Previously: Thousands of women applied, and all we got were these fugly final fourteen? They include Brita, a hardworking waitress trying to take down her younger competitors; Brandy, whose best friend Grimace applied as a plus-sized contender but was rejected; Manly Michelle, who fiercely works both male and female sex organs; and Tiffany, who gives the editors an excuse to flashback to "That skank ho poured beer on my weave" during every episode. Tonight, the journey of the final fourteen begins.
The opening sequence is a bit different this season. The song has words that include "You wanna be on top?" over and over again. As we see shots of past competitors, captions tell us, "Fierce beauty, fabulous strut, fresh personality. Who has what it takes to become America's Top Model?" Apparently Tyra does, because we get a screen full of her at the end.
It is a lovely, warm-looking day. We see flashes of one-way signs, an "I love NY" handbag, and the Spring Street subway station, from which the fourteen finalists emerge. Brandy's 'fro shines in the sun, and Tyra's cousins on Jupiter spot a mysterious red flash. Brandy says that she's made it, which is totally tripping her out. She doesn't plan on leaving. Right now I'd have to say that she's channeling a scary clown. Kahlen says she never thought she'd make it this far, and that she's not used to being one of the beautiful girls. And given some of her colleagues in this competition, I'd have to say that I think the key to self-confidence is low expectations.
Jay Manuel, wearing a black "I heart NY" t-shirt, greets the girls. He is more orange, and his hair more yellow, than ever. He's like a Mark Rothko painting, but with a face that you'd like to slap. He tells the girls to forget about the subway and forget about Broadway because...and then in lieu of words he rips off his t-shirt to expose another that reads, "I heart LA." Man, do I hate him. Captions tell us that we are at Paramount Studios' New York City Backlot. And it kind of makes sense that this fake-ass show, which produces fake-ass models, would set itself up in a fake-ass New York. So, bravo, show, for being so self-referential! The girls will be living in Los Angeles this season instead of New York which, they think, is alternately surprising and fun. Jay takes the girls on a tour of the backlot. Sarah, who looks really pretty with her hair pulled back, says that being at Paramount Studios makes her feel like a movie star.
As the girls travel to a nearby location, Jay tells them that there is a movie being shot, and they squeal and jump out of their golf carts. Out of an NYPD cop car steps the one and only Miss Janice Dickinson, wearing sunglasses and brandishing a billy club. "Fashion Police!" she yells, followed by a similarly dressed Nigel and Nolé. And now, so that you all can act out this little scene with your friends, I will present it in dramatic form:
Janice: Fashion Police!
Nigel: Fashion Police!
Nolé: Fashion Police!
Janice: Where are the aliens?
Nigel: [wielding a camera] I have no idea, but when I find them, I'm going to shoot them.
Nolé: Fabulous.
I wonder how many takes they had to do so Nolé could get his line right. Also, I think that I miss recapping the Cover Girl Tip of the Week. Sigh.
Jay tells the girls that they are on the set of their first photo shoot, where they will be turned into sexy aliens who have taken over Manhattan. Just when Tyra has left the city! Oh, the irony. The panel of judges will be working with the girls during the shoot. Jay introduces them as such: "The tall, sexy, and very English Nigel Barker, our photographer." Nigel looks good. "And of course, Nolé Marin, fashion stylist." Nolé gets no adjectives, because the only ones that Jay could think of would be less than flattering. "And last but not least, the super-sexy super-diva, Miss..." and of course Janice needs no introduction. She kicks her leg up, swings her weapon around with panache, and says, "Be afraid. Be very afraid." More Janice! More Janice!
The girls go into hair and makeup. Noelle says that her mouth dropped as it dawned on her that this was the first competition. Jay introduces the behind-the-scenes staff, which includes legendary hair stylist Danilo and Matheu the makeup master. No mention of Michelle the hag stylist, thank goodness. Danilo's current style looks a bit like present-day Bret Michaels combined with Elton John when he first got his hair plugs. Slap a pink t-shirt on that and it is teh sex!
Janice chats with the girls. She tells them that they are being handed this experience on a silver platter, and that they should be courteous, be on time, and have fun with it. See, Janice gives good advice when she's sober. Nolé holds Empress Minnie and tells the girls that they need to impress her and Jay. He is the roliest as well as the poliest, and also utterly useless. Additionally, he strongly resembles a warthog. There is only one thing that stops Nolé from being the worst, and that is Jay Manuel. I have a feeling that, if they showed us more of Nolé on a regular basis, it might be a bit of a contest, though. Nolé asks Brita how old she is. She tells him to guess. He guesses eighteen, and she says that she's twenty-five. Brita tells us that age is a huge issue for her, and that most girls quit the business at her age if they haven't made it. She is not going to quit, however, because modeling is her passion.