I say, if you're going to do a show as annoying as Ally McBeal, make each episode annoying right off the bat. Don't tease us. Don't make us think that maybe this episode will be funny -- that maybe this week something in the hour will touch our hearts. Show us, before the opening credits even roll, what we're in for. Give us a bitter first taste of what you're made of. That way, when we choose to sit on our lazy asses for a whole hour and watch your tripe anyway, we'll have no one but ourselves to blame.
Ally creeps into Renee's bedroom late at night, seeking emotional comfort in the bed of her busty buddy. She curls up to Jackson, who is curled up to Renee, en deshabille. Upon realizing what's occurred, Ally and Jackson noisily jump out of the bed. Jackson quickly pulls the bedclothes in front of his nether regions, but not before Ally spies said regions and exclaims the Lord's name in vain. Renee, in an unflattering peach satin ensemble, angrily ushers her friend out of the room. Ally, all the while, stares at Jackson's now-sheathed pelvis with her mouth agape. "I didn't know you..." she says. "Get out! GET OUT!" Renee says in return. Nightingale Vonda's soothing melody issues forth as North America's gentle television audience settles back for a masterful comedy of errors.
"I can't believe it!" Renee says after the commercial break. I think she's going to bitch out Ally for horning in on her Jackson action. Instead, she says she can't believe that she slept with Jackson on their first date. Ally listens, trying a couple of times to turn the conversation to her own unbelievable sex life. Renee perseveres, though, and tells about how his hand slid down ("backal," not frontal) and led to the night Ally interrupted. She frets because Jackson left, saying he had "an early morning." She worries that she'll never hear from him again because she made a mistake by sleeping with him so soon. I wonder how she expected him to stay with Ally eyeing his crotch all over the place. I resign myself to yet another stupid men-are-from-Mars / David-E.-Kelley-is-from-Uranus subplot. Yes, yes, we know. Renee should have been magical, mysterious, and neurotic like Ally so that Jackson would pine after her. Instead, she destroyed her chances at that all-important happiness with a man by showing the man that she lusts. You should have taken a cold shower and let him come to you, Renee. You should have bought new batteries for your vibrator and waited. He'll never love and respect you now, you slut! Especially...especially...Okay, I'm not normally one to criticize people's teeth -- you all know that -- but have Renee's two front teeth always been that much bigger than all her others? Is the gap between them getting bigger? I only ask because that might mean that she has a cavity behind them. I speak from experience. She should get that looked at.
At the morning meeting, Richard comments that Fish & Cage is becoming a niche firm specializing in annulments. Ally sits by Jackson and the two of them feel uncomfortable. I feel uncomfortable as well because when I stopped my VCR to type those last two sentences, I saw Bebe Neuworth singing a Broadway song on PBS. My television set's incompetent antenna kept me from figuring out whether her dress was completely see-through or just mostly see-through. It distracted and disturbed me, much like Ally McBeal does on a weekly basis. John explains that Mr. Bennett wants his marriage with Ms. Clapp annulled because she refuses to become a parent. Nelle goes off on the absent Mr. Bennett. John, who desperately needs a haircut, responds sarcastically. Richard ascertains that Mr. Bennett is rich, a fact which likely plays a part in his desire for an annulment instead of divorce. I become interested in these issues and then I'm slapped in the face by an Ally Hallucination Moment. The tinkly magical music plays as Larry appears in Richard's place and says that it'd be different if the couple had a child. Ally smiles beatifically, jumps up and hugs him. Of course she's really hugging Richard, who says that he appreciates the "eager-beaver vulgarism." Ally hits him and leaves the meeting room. Why, oh why, hasn't she been fired yet? Ally careens into the lobby, telling Elaine that she needs some fresh air. Then she hallucinates falling down the elevator shaft. Okay, why did that have to be fake? I'm sick of the teasing, damn it!
While I was typing up that scene, I was forced to watch some old guy sing a disgustingly annoying song about Gigi on the brink of womanhood. Then I saw Chita Rivera skipping in a see-through dress of her own. Now Julie Andrews or Sandy Duncan or somebody is cavorting with shirtless men in sailor hats. That's it. No more PBS for me today. I can't take Broadway has-beens and Ally McBeal at the same time. Oh, shit. Now they're showing Robert Goulet. That's it! No more! Move, fingers! Change the channel, why don't you!
Ally sits in an office with a terse therapist played by Rhea Perlman. After quickly assessing the state of the union between Larry and Ally, Rhea advises Ally to end the relationship.
Mr. Bennett, who looks like the guy who used to play Caroline's boyfriend on Caroline in the City (not that I ever watched that show) testifies that he and his wife picked out baby names while they were dating. He says that their meeting of the minds rested on the supposition that they'd have children someday. Ms. Clapp's lawyer, who is played by Wallace Shawn of Clueless and The Princess Bride fame, objects to this manipulative testimony. Judge Seymore Walsh probably wishes he were elsewhere as John makes faces and the this-is-supposed-to-be-funny music plays.
Ally and Renee stare at their cell phones together, waiting for their respective romantic interests to call. Ally considers aloud the idea of dating other people. The doorbell rings and both women rush to answer their phones. Then Renee says, "He's come back to surprise you!" Ally opens the door, hallucinates Larry, and kisses Jackson. "You've got issues," Jackson tells her. Ally sheepishly leaves the room, somehow managing not to get her ass kicked by Renee. Jackson and Renee look at each other and say hi. See a dentist now, Renee.
I see a commercial for Temptation Island, which I never got around to seeing. If I'd known it had featured music from The Exorcist, though, I'd have been watching it all along.
Jackson tells Renee that he was embarrassed about having slept with her on the first date. They have a ridiculous argument and conclude that they must not want each other, since they both broke the first-date rule. Ally bursts out of her room and instructs Jackson to kiss Renee, leave the apartment, and then call her the day for a dinner date, "like a gentleman." I'm sort of impressed with Ally's take-charge attitude for once, but then Jackson tells her, "I maintain: you got issues" and the show continues annoying me again.
Wallace Shawn makes Mr. Bennett look like the idiot he is, and John objects. Judge Walsh has to force John to shut up, but I'm sad because I know it won't last for long.
Melanie wears a really ugly fur scarf and suit as John complains that his opposition is "an objectionable little man who makes good points, dammit." Melanie starts getting all frisky, kissing John's neck. John ignores this and remarks on the incomprehensibility of a woman who doesn't want to have children. Melanie informs him that she doesn't want children. He is flustered, but doesn't have time to discuss it because he's due back in court.
Ally pouts down the sidewalk and then crashes into Richard because she's so busy sucking on her fingers. Richard notes her unhappiness and offers to let her confide in him. Ally babbles about missing Larry. Richard suggests his therapist, Fred Willard. He says he'll find a way to pass the cost onto a client. As always, Greg Germann is funny and deserves to be on a better show. That is why I've stopped mentioning my love for him. I still care about him, but he is in a dysfunctional environment by choice and I can't help him if he doesn't want to help himself.
In the Unisex, Jackson asks Ling how well she knows Renee. Ling surprises me by not taking the opportunity to say something bitchy. Jackson informs her that they'll be at The Bar that night, and that Renee will sing. Ling and the oboe are sad as he leaves. Poor Ling. It must be hard to suffer through something like that with a guy you had sex with once, several years ago, and whose real name you didn't even know.