I say, if you're going to do a show as annoying as Ally McBeal, make each episode annoying right off the bat. Don't tease us. Don't make us think that maybe this episode will be funny -- that maybe this week something in the hour will touch our hearts. Show us, before the opening credits even roll, what we're in for. Give us a bitter first taste of what you're made of. That way, when we choose to sit on our lazy asses for a whole hour and watch your tripe anyway, we'll have no one but ourselves to blame.
Ally creeps into Renee's bedroom late at night, seeking emotional comfort in the bed of her busty buddy. She curls up to Jackson, who is curled up to Renee, en deshabille. Upon realizing what's occurred, Ally and Jackson noisily jump out of the bed. Jackson quickly pulls the bedclothes in front of his nether regions, but not before Ally spies said regions and exclaims the Lord's name in vain. Renee, in an unflattering peach satin ensemble, angrily ushers her friend out of the room. Ally, all the while, stares at Jackson's now-sheathed pelvis with her mouth agape. "I didn't know you..." she says. "Get out! GET OUT!" Renee says in return. Nightingale Vonda's soothing melody issues forth as North America's gentle television audience settles back for a masterful comedy of errors.
"I can't believe it!" Renee says after the commercial break. I think she's going to bitch out Ally for horning in on her Jackson action. Instead, she says she can't believe that she slept with Jackson on their first date. Ally listens, trying a couple of times to turn the conversation to her own unbelievable sex life. Renee perseveres, though, and tells about how his hand slid down ("backal," not frontal) and led to the night Ally interrupted. She frets because Jackson left, saying he had "an early morning." She worries that she'll never hear from him again because she made a mistake by sleeping with him so soon. I wonder how she expected him to stay with Ally eyeing his crotch all over the place. I resign myself to yet another stupid men-are-from-Mars / David-E.-Kelley-is-from-Uranus subplot. Yes, yes, we know. Renee should have been magical, mysterious, and neurotic like Ally so that Jackson would pine after her. Instead, she destroyed her chances at that all-important happiness with a man by showing the man that she lusts. You should have taken a cold shower and let him come to you, Renee. You should have bought new batteries for your vibrator and waited. He'll never love and respect you now, you slut! Especially...especially...Okay, I'm not normally one to criticize people's teeth -- you all know that -- but have Renee's two front teeth always been that much bigger than all her others? Is the gap between them getting bigger? I only ask because that might mean that she has a cavity behind them. I speak from experience. She should get that looked at.
At the morning meeting, Richard comments that Fish & Cage is becoming a niche firm specializing in annulments. Ally sits by Jackson and the two of them feel uncomfortable. I feel uncomfortable as well because when I stopped my VCR to type those last two sentences, I saw Bebe Neuworth singing a Broadway song on PBS. My television set's incompetent antenna kept me from figuring out whether her dress was completely see-through or just mostly see-through. It distracted and disturbed me, much like Ally McBeal does on a weekly basis. John explains that Mr. Bennett wants his marriage with Ms. Clapp annulled because she refuses to become a parent. Nelle goes off on the absent Mr. Bennett. John, who desperately needs a haircut, responds sarcastically. Richard ascertains that Mr. Bennett is rich, a fact which likely plays a part in his desire for an annulment instead of divorce. I become interested in these issues and then I'm slapped in the face by an Ally Hallucination Moment. The tinkly magical music plays as Larry appears in Richard's place and says that it'd be different if the couple had a child. Ally smiles beatifically, jumps up and hugs him. Of course she's really hugging Richard, who says that he appreciates the "eager-beaver vulgarism." Ally hits him and leaves the meeting room. Why, oh why, hasn't she been fired yet? Ally careens into the lobby, telling Elaine that she needs some fresh air. Then she hallucinates falling down the elevator shaft. Okay, why did that have to be fake? I'm sick of the teasing, damn it!
While I was typing up that scene, I was forced to watch some old guy sing a disgustingly annoying song about Gigi on the brink of womanhood. Then I saw Chita Rivera skipping in a see-through dress of her own. Now Julie Andrews or Sandy Duncan or somebody is cavorting with shirtless men in sailor hats. That's it. No more PBS for me today. I can't take Broadway has-beens and Ally McBeal at the same time. Oh, shit. Now they're showing Robert Goulet. That's it! No more! Move, fingers! Change the channel, why don't you!
Ally sits in an office with a terse therapist played by Rhea Perlman. After quickly assessing the state of the union between Larry and Ally, Rhea advises Ally to end the relationship.
Mr. Bennett, who looks like the guy who used to play Caroline's boyfriend on Caroline in the City (not that I ever watched that show) testifies that he and his wife picked out baby names while they were dating. He says that their meeting of the minds rested on the supposition that they'd have children someday. Ms. Clapp's lawyer, who is played by Wallace Shawn of Clueless and The Princess Bride fame, objects to this manipulative testimony. Judge Seymore Walsh probably wishes he were elsewhere as John makes faces and the this-is-supposed-to-be-funny music plays.
Ally and Renee stare at their cell phones together, waiting for their respective romantic interests to call. Ally considers aloud the idea of dating other people. The doorbell rings and both women rush to answer their phones. Then Renee says, "He's come back to surprise you!" Ally opens the door, hallucinates Larry, and kisses Jackson. "You've got issues," Jackson tells her. Ally sheepishly leaves the room, somehow managing not to get her ass kicked by Renee. Jackson and Renee look at each other and say hi. See a dentist now, Renee.
I see a commercial for Temptation Island, which I never got around to seeing. If I'd known it had featured music from The Exorcist, though, I'd have been watching it all along.
Jackson tells Renee that he was embarrassed about having slept with her on the first date. They have a ridiculous argument and conclude that they must not want each other, since they both broke the first-date rule. Ally bursts out of her room and instructs Jackson to kiss Renee, leave the apartment, and then call her the day for a dinner date, "like a gentleman." I'm sort of impressed with Ally's take-charge attitude for once, but then Jackson tells her, "I maintain: you got issues" and the show continues annoying me again.
Wallace Shawn makes Mr. Bennett look like the idiot he is, and John objects. Judge Walsh has to force John to shut up, but I'm sad because I know it won't last for long.
Melanie wears a really ugly fur scarf and suit as John complains that his opposition is "an objectionable little man who makes good points, dammit." Melanie starts getting all frisky, kissing John's neck. John ignores this and remarks on the incomprehensibility of a woman who doesn't want to have children. Melanie informs him that she doesn't want children. He is flustered, but doesn't have time to discuss it because he's due back in court.
Ally pouts down the sidewalk and then crashes into Richard because she's so busy sucking on her fingers. Richard notes her unhappiness and offers to let her confide in him. Ally babbles about missing Larry. Richard suggests his therapist, Fred Willard. He says he'll find a way to pass the cost onto a client. As always, Greg Germann is funny and deserves to be on a better show. That is why I've stopped mentioning my love for him. I still care about him, but he is in a dysfunctional environment by choice and I can't help him if he doesn't want to help himself.
In the Unisex, Jackson asks Ling how well she knows Renee. Ling surprises me by not taking the opportunity to say something bitchy. Jackson informs her that they'll be at The Bar that night, and that Renee will sing. Ling and the oboe are sad as he leaves. Poor Ling. It must be hard to suffer through something like that with a guy you had sex with once, several years ago, and whose real name you didn't even know.
Ms. Clapp testifies that the world is overpopulated. Wallace Shawn asks why she, specifically, didn't want to have children. Ms. Clapp says that she didn't feel equipped to have them because she was so involved with her own life and her career. I look at her triple-strand necklace of huge silver beads and realize that it's true -- she really doesn't need to be breeding. Just kidding. John rudely questions Ms. Clapp and shakes his fist at her. "What kind of person doesn't want to have children?" he asks. He accuses her of waiting to announce her decision until she "qualified for alimony." Melanie, who has quietly entered the courtroom, tics "Pipsqueak!" John says, "Repugnant," looking in Melanie's direction. Then they both scream. Shut up, John. You're such a dork.
A long commercial break ensues, causing me to realize that the show is only half over. I sigh. An hour or so later, I'm back from the grocery store and I still don't want to re-watch the last half. It's cold and raining outside and I want to curl up on my bed with the phone and idly flip through the Sunday paper's sale flyers. Either that or I want to put on my shoes and drive to the antiques shops, where I could look for an attractive yet cheap coffee table. Either that or I want to paint the picture frames I bought so I can hang all my cool pictures. I think of all these things and sigh again, hating Ally McBeal more than ever.
Ally babbles to Fred Willard about her hallucinations, one of which included a nun talking about birth control. Fred Willard tells her that she wants to marry Larry and bear his children, but that she knows it'll never happen. I hate that phrase: "bear his children." Even though I have three children of my own and I love them very much, I hate the idea that giving birth is something women do to show how much they love the guys they've been having sex with. "Honey, I decided to totally change my life by passing a human being through my pelvis because I just want you to know how much I worship your big, manly penis. I hope that's okay with you. You want a boy? Okay, I'll try my best!" Oops...was I starting to sound like the Ally McBeal writers there? Sorry. If I suck my fingers and punch you in the gut, will you like me again? Okay. Thanks.
In his closing, John rhapsodizes about the solemn, joyful purpose that is getting married in order to start a family. Melanie yells "Poop!" and throws him off track. Wallace Shawn makes the excellent point that we don't grant annulments to couples when infertility keeps them from having kids. John is irritated because he is a loser.
We hear the Wicked Witch theme from The Wizard of Oz as Ling walks into the F&C lobby. Then we continue to hear it as John stomps by with his stupid pouty face on. He finds Melanie in his office. They both scream and shoot their arms out, and in the still frame on which I've paused my video, it looks like they're greeting Hitler. The two of them argue and tic unfunnily. They insult each other's quirks rudely. "Great, run over me then," John says. I really wish she would, though. He says that a future with someone who doesn't believe in marriage or having children is rather bleak. Melanie silently storms out the door. That was good, Melanie. Now if you could just keep from coming back, my job would be considerably more palatable.
At The Bar, one of the Vondettes sings. I think about how so many white singers are backed by trios of black women. Several of the Fish & Cagers are sitting around watching the show. Elaine announces that Renee and Jackson are performing a duet . Ling expresses surprise. Elaine says that when two people sing together, they're "doing it." We get a shot of Nelle with her hair half wet. Either that or she's wearing way too much gel. John runs in and asks to speak with Ally, saying that it's an emergency. Out on the sidewalk, he asks if she wants to have children at one point. Ally does a supposed-to-be-comical rant about her therapists that falls flat. John whines about Melanie. Ally assures him that Melanie will eventually come around because the idea of conceiving a child with someone she loves will make her change her mind. Sure. Everyone knows that any woman in love -- TRUE love -- automatically wants to have children, right? It's only natural. It's Nature's way. What kind of evil, cold-hearted, unnatural, ice-queen bitch wouldn't want to have children to prove her love? The kind that should be burned on a stake, of course.
Renee and Jackson sing that Aretha Franklin song "Until You Come Back." They sound really good, too. I'm not just saying that because I love that song, either. Elaine is sure that the two of them are having sex. Ling sulks and snaps at Elaine, prompting sadly suspicious looks from Richard. Elaine smiles at Ling and her face is...it's...I guess it's supposed to be sweaty, but instead it looks like someone smeared egg whites all over it. In fact, I'm really sorry to be even grosser than the show itself by saying this, but it looks like semen. She looks like one of the women in those pop-up ads that you sometimes accidentally see when you're looking for sites about cute Japanese comics. You know -- the ads that say "XXX! CUM SEE OUR HOT SLUTS GET FACIALS!!!" I'm sorry, but she does, and I don't think it was by accident. Ally whines and everyone ignores her. Elaine mops at her face and tells Mark that she wants him to do a number with her. Richard breaks my heart with his sad faces. Then he test-taunts Ling, saying that Renee and Jackson are "definitely Biblical." Ling snaps at him to be quiet. "Sure. Mark, can you pass the feminine napkins, please?" Richard says. "Quiet!" Ling grits. Everyone gets silent and tense. Renee's butt and Jackson's crotch grind together like a mortar and pestle. Ling gets up and leaves the table. Richard deserves to come to my house, where I will cook him a nice meal. Ally fingers her chin thoughtfully, but she probably isn't thinking anything interesting. I need to buy that Aretha Franklin album, because that song really made the scene worth replaying a few times.
Vonda sings about pillows and embers about to billow while Ally lies awake, looking like an anemic zombie in the blue light. She gets up and goes to the freezer, which is IN HER BEDROOM, and peeks in on the same stupid damned snowman that represents Larry to her. Then she creeps over to Renee's bedroom. The television is on there. Ally sees Renee, with her red, red lips, spooning with nude Jackson. She smiles down on them, then reaches for a remote control which just happens to be right to Jackson's genitals. He of course rolls over so that her hand is caught under them. He and Renee wake up and wonder what the hell Ally's doing there. She explains that she felt less lonely watching them. They look less annoyed than they should as she scampers away.
The jury, which is full of non-white people, unlike the rest of the show, finds in favor of Ms. Clapp. John bids his client goodbye. Melanie walks up and tells him she couldn't sleep at all the night before. She says, "I couldn't sleep at all last night. My mattress wouldn't treat me right! Then a friend of mine said, 'Try a Superior waterbed!' Doo, doo, doo-doo, doo..." Just kidding. I just thought of that jingle all of a sudden and had to type it. So back at John's office, he and Melanie argue some more. John doesn't understand why a woman who teaches children and writes children's books doesn't want to have children. He tells her what Ally said about celebrating a union through the pain of childbirth. "I think at some point, you're gonna meet the man who you want to have children with," John says. "I just don't think you've met him yet." He says he's not "the one." Then Melanie says something really dumb. "You could be the love of my life, and I'd still walk away from you…Because that's what I do!" She says you have to believe in forever before you can have kids. She loves John and doesn't want to go today or tomorrow, but she's going to go someday. Is it because that's what you do, Melanie? "It's just...what...I...do," she answers. John says that maybe it should be today, before either of them gets hurt. Melanie makes a face like she's hurting right about now. Don't be sad, Melanie. You really are better off.
Elaine sings "What I Did for Love" while Mark stands behind her and whispers, "When do I sing?" She shushes him. He emotes and then does an artistic arm movement. Elaine motions for him to stop. Then Vonda takes over the song, unfortunately, and we see Ally walk down the sidewalk. More Elaine and Mark! Less Vonda and Ally! The TV doesn't hear me yelling at it, and Vonda continues to sing as Ally enters her apartment and finds the snowman in the living room. "You stuck me in a freezer?" Larry asks. Ally wheels around and sees him standing there, for real. Robert Downey, Jr., looks good in black. Larry says that he's back "forever." He's only at the beginning of loving Ally and he doesn't plan on leaving. Where's his kid, though? Oh, well. Who cares? Not Ally and Larry. They start making out like teenagers in the back of a mini pick-up full of wine coolers in the parking lot of the church after the fund-raising dance.
Vonda sings another song as Renee and Jackson have lunch. Ling sits somewhere vague and picks up the phone. Then she puts it down again. John rubs at his forehead in his hole. Elaine and Mark dance together onstage and look like they're having a good time. Ally, wearing the snowman's hat and glasses, helps Larry dismantle the snowman. Then they stop so they can kiss. Melanie, her eyes red, walks and tics slowly down the snowy sidewalk. At the very end, she tics her hand up, sort of like she's waving goodbye. I think it would have been better if she'd done it with her middle finger, though. week: no show. Woo -- I mean...Aw, man!