After the longest "previously on Ally McBeal" sequence ever, we see Boston at night and hear Vonda sing about young love. Ling's staying late at Fish & Cage to catch up on her catalogues. Richard goes into her office and invites her to play catch. She's not enthused. John barges in and accuses Richard of having stolen his glove. Richard says that the glove belongs to the firm. He and John have a silly brawl over the glove. My VCR makes a scratchy noise that sounds like a cat's howl. It would have been funny if animal noises weren't overused on this show already. Jackson comes in and asks what's going on. "Not everything's about you, Jackson," Richard tells him, as he and John continue fighting like kindergarteners on the playground.
Five billion commercials later, it's morning at Fish & Cage. Ling comes off the elevator in a "winter white" parka and scarf, and makes her growling noise at Elaine. Jackson speaks to Elaine for a moment, causing her to perspire profusely. Mark gets all pissy about this, passive-aggressively asking Elaine about her health. Okay, the sweating gag wasn't funny the first time they showed it. I can't believe they're making a whole subplot out of it.
Morning meeting: Jackson tells everyone about his case. He's representing Gloria Albright, a law-firm owner who's being sued for firing all her male employees. Ally pipes up, saying that Renee is representing Mackey, the plaintiff. Jackson asks whether Renee's any good. Richard is forced to say, "Renee? You kidding? Pretty, smart...you like big knockers?" Ally and Ling sort of pretend to take offense at this. John eats something that looks like flan and glares at Richard. Jackson requests that a woman second-chair for him. Ling says she's free. Richard tells John to take it, instead. "Do I look like a woman to you, jitwad?" asks John. "Jitwad"? What is a jitwad? What is jit? Richard implies that John is a "lawn jockey." I don't really know what that means, either. Does it have something to do with sports? ["Can't help you on the 'jitwad,' since I think they just made it up. But a lawn jockey is a little statue tasteless people put on their front lawns. In the olden days, they were always black. But they're small, which I guess is the joke when it's applied to John." -- Wing Chun] I bet it's not funny at all, though. ["No, it's not." -- Wing Chun] John storms out of the meeting room in a huff.
John carries his flan to his secret Hole In The Stall. Melanie is already there, so they both get to scream like maniacs. John complains about Richard's dominating behavior. He's really upset about it. Melanie suggests couples' therapy. She already has a therapist in mind. Melanie is wearing thin on me. I'll be glad when Ms. Heche's contract is up.
In court, Mr. Mackey testifies that Ms. Albright fired him because she wanted to purge her offices of "sexual currents" by ridding them of all the male employees. Jackson asks Mr. Mackey how many times he thinks about sex per day. Renee objects strenuously, but then Jackson's smile and the sound effects that accompany it cause her to change her pretty little mind. Ling watches this without a smile on her face. She never smiles, though, so it doesn't mean much. Jackson asks Mr. Mackey if he's ever fantasized about having sex with Ms. Albright, or with Renee. Then he has Ling stand up and asks Mr. Mackey whether he would fantasize about her. Ling is wearing all white again. This time, she sports a tuxedo-ish shirt that's slit from the collar to the waist. As far as I can tell, she isn't wearing any undergarments beneath the shirt. Maybe she has on one of those weird crossover bras from Fredericks, though. Mr. Mackey admits that any man would fantasize about the three women, proving the point Jackson's trying to make. Ling growls at Jackson, but we're not supposed to empathize with her, since she's wearing the inappropriate shirt and he's doing so well on the case and all.
Elaine sits in Ally's office and vents about Mark. Ally says something stale about communication in relationships, as if she's one to give advice. Elaine explains that she doesn't communicate -- she exchanges quick apologies and then has sex. She doesn't want to do that this time, though. When she's not loving a man, it's only because she's hating him. She actually prefers hating the men, because there's more dignity in it, she says. Upset, Elaine tells Ally to go call Larry and leave her alone. Ally sarcastically dismisses her, like the true-blue friend she is. While watching this scene, I suddenly feel remorse. Throughout the past two seasons, I've made fun of Ally for having messy hair. Then, recently, I re-entered the work force full-time, myself. I got an office job that involved quirky co-workers and an unusual restroom. I started wearing polyester clothing, some pieces of which had prints reminiscent of the seventies. I have to admit, even, that I might have been the slightest bit neurotic a couple of times in the past few months. All this happened, and it made me think. Could it be...could it possibly be that there's a little bit of Ally McBeal in me? I thought about it for a few minutes, but then I started keeping a hairbrush in my desk and now everything's okay. Besides...I'm not a violent schizophrenic and my co-workers like me. So, no, there's no Ally in me, after all.
Ling stomps into the ever-empty courthouse room with Jackson right behind her. She's annoyed that Jackson reduced her to a sexual object. He had to do it for the case, he explains. He has to explain this because she's apparently too stupid to realize it on her own. Renee bursts into the room, angry for the same reason Ling is. Jackson smooth-talks her out of it. Then the judge for the case comes in. It's the large female judge with the messed-up hair and unflattering glasses. She asks if she can step out of her robe for a minute. Ling says, "I'd vomit." The judge is annoyed with Jackson because he didn't treat her as a sex object. She says that, as a woman, she found his actions rude, as well as bad lawyering. At this point, we're all supposed to laugh and shout, "As if! It's so hilarious that this fat bitch thinks anyone should think of her in a sexual way! HA!" This is confirmed when the judge adds, "Plenty of boys go for the big girl," and the comedic music plays. See, Ally McBeal is like soap operas in that you aren't sure who's sexy until the writers tell you. A lot of the actors are just average-looking (but with lots of makeup.) The writers have the all the characters remark on a particular character's beauty over and over again. Intelligent viewers say to themselves, "Okay...this woman is playing a character who's supposed to be beautiful." The other viewers run out and buy magazines that feature the supposedly beautiful actress on the covers.
John and Melanie present the therapy idea to Richard. Richard would rather visit his proctologist. He says that men don't express emotions to each other -- that his father never said "I love you"; he only said, "Mamboquette." At least, that's what the closed-captioning says that Richard's father said. I don't know what "Mamboquette" means. I wonder if it was supposed to be "mambo cat," but then again, I don't know what that means, either.
Mark walks by Elaine's desk and breaks up with her. "I don't think it's working out between us. Sorry," he says, leaving Elaine shocked. Ally chases Mark into Unisex and tells him that he's not supposed to break up with someone like that. "How should I do it?" asks Mark. "Lie? Cheat? Move to Detroit?" Ouch! Meow, Mark! I love it. He goes on to tell Ally that she's been looking for projects since Larry left, and that he doesn't want to be one of them. Ally observes that Mark is being cruel, then leaves the Unisex. Richard walks in and asks Mark whether two people who fight should waltz off to therapy. "Mind your own damn business!" says Mark, before storming out. Elaine walks in and Richard asks her the same sort of question. Elaine calls him an insensitive, mean-spirited, pig-headed dope. The cowbell sounds as Elaine runs away, and Richard checks himself for B.O. I feel sorry for these people. Their bladders must be in terrible shape from all the unpurged running out of the Unisex that they do.
On the stand, Ms. Albright reveals that she's recently divorced. Then she expounds on her theory that a single-sex workplace is best because it removes sexual distraction. She uses single-sex schools as an analogy. She would have a good point if it weren't for the fact that homosexuals exist (even if only outside this show). Renee tries to show that Ms. Albright is merely bitter towards men because of her adulterous ex-husband.
John is locked in his office, playing bagpipes. Richard, Nelle, and Melanie stand outside the door and fret. Nelle wants to talk some sense into John, but Melanie stops her. Nelle points out that she's known John longer than Melanie has. "Yes, he tried to spank you once. I know your history," says Melanie. It's weird to me that characters bring up the spanking thing as if it's something Nelle should be ashamed of. Nelle tells Melanie, "Maybe he should spank you. That way we'd know if you could take a licking and keep on ticking." She punctuates this with a mean imitation of Melanie's tic. It's very cold-blooded, but I can't lie and say that I feel sympathy for Melanie. Richard goes into the office. John wrote him a song. He plays what the closed-captioning calls a "flat, disdant" note. Can a note be discordant without having other notes to play disharmoniously against? Maybe they meant "disdant" after all. "Let's get therapy," Richard says. Gee, I wonder if their therapist will be kooky.
Ling and Jackson try to convince Ms. Albright to settle for $50,000. Her mind's made up, though. She leaves the room and Jackson apologizes to Ling for the whole sexual-prop thing. Ling apologizes for Richard's recent behavior. She starts to leave, but Jackson asks her to have dinner with him. She doesn't think that's a good idea. He does the whole, "Ling...oh, nothing, forget it" thing, and then tells her it's nice working with her. The feeling is mutual. They bid each other good night. This is a pretty sorry excuse for a storyline about infidelity. I've seen more chemistry in microwaveable breakfast tacos.
Fred Willard is playing the role of the (kooky, of course) therapist. He flakily begins with a presentation of the baseball glove. He asks Richard to speak first, saying, "If you don't mind, I would like to close my eyes and let your words wash over me." John bitches that Richard always gets to go first, and that that's wrong because Richard's center is sex and money. Fred Willard commends John on his candor and communication skills. John asks why the therapist didn't close his eyes for John's words. He and Richard argue and call each other names. It ends with John's telling the therapist, "Balls with the kudos, you hack." The therapist indicates that John's behavior is unacceptable. Why can't the therapists act like Ally and punch people? I wouldn't mind seeing Fred Willard punch John Cage.
In the Unisex, Mark scopes out his own ass in the mirror. Of course Ally busts him as he's doing so. He explains that he used to do a lot of squats in college, but now he worries that his ass doesn't look as good as it used to. This devolves into complaints about Elaine's lust for Jackson. Mark doesn't think women should lust, much less in public. He dumped Elaine for being unladylike, he says. I can't tell if we're supposed to be thinking of Cindy's penis or not right now.
Renee does her closing. Jackson does his, too. The scenes go back and forth between them, as if they're both making such good, contradictory points. Renee argues that Ms. Albright is discriminating based on gender and that not all men are sex-crazed jerks. Jackson argues that they are, and that there's nothing wrong with single-sex companies. I imagine that David E. Kelley agrees with this, and that's why his characters can't seem to function in a co-ed law firm.
Ally calls Elaine into her office for a meeting with Mark. Elaine is wearing a halter top and sparkles. Mark says he doesn't want to break up with Elaine, but that her sweating over Jackson is insulting to him. He says that being flamboyantly sexual is one thing, but that overtly showing interest in other men is another. It's disrespectful. Mark doesn't do that to Elaine, and he doesn't want her doing it to him. I can see his point. That doesn't excuse his stupid "women shouldn't lust" opinion, though. Women lust. I mean, they don't lust enough for television producers to show male actors in shirts slit to the waist, apparently, but still -- they lust.
Back in the therapist's office, Richard opines that John's rejection by Melanie is what's behind his recent cranky behavior. "Mozambique," cuts in John. He explains to the therapist that Richard's father expressed affection with that word. "Mamboquette! Not Mozambique!" Richard emotionally corrects him. This time the captioning spells it "Mambo Cat," but it sounds like Richard's saying "Mamboquette." He explains that he and his father both loved Bill Mamboquette, pitcher for the Red Sox. Richard says that John's making him the fall guy for his problems with Melanie. "This is lonely John in all his ugliness," he says. Heh. John argues that Richard was using the glove to forge false intimacy with Ling in a game of catch, because he's jealous of her and Jackson. They argue, and Richard calls John a little runt. "Hey! He just called me a runt! I demand to be mollified!" John yells. I have to admit that I almost cracked a smile at his delivery of this line. Fred Willard stands up, towering over the two lawyers, and asks if they're both lonely. If any of them take off their clothes, I'm leaving the room.
"Are you lonely?" Ally asks John, back at the office. The two of them babble about John's issues with Melanie and Richard. Then, out of the blue, for no contractual reason at all, Ally hallucinates that John is Larry Paul. Larry asks whether Ally thinks she can fix everything. Then, the second time she hallucinates him, he helps her give John advice. "Use the Force, John," Larry says. Ally repeats the command. John -- thinking she's really clever -- brandishes his light saber and runs off to the Death Star. Ewoks appear and sing disco to Ally.
Jackson runs into the Fish/Cage lobby and gives Ling bad news about the jury's deliberations. I notice that Ling is wearing a huge, spider-shaped brooch on her lapel. At first, I found that utterly ridiculous. However, after visiting the etymology room at the local museum, I wonder why Ling didn't adorn her jacket with a huge Costa Rican beetle, instead. Jackson runs over to Elaine and asks her to draft a settlement agreement for rush delivery to Renee's office. Elaine gets all happy because of this attention, then sees Mark watching her suspiciously. Be careful, Elaine. You don't want Mark to die of a brain tumor, do you?
Fred Willard talks a lot of psychobabble about John's and Richard's frustration with each other. He manages to insult both of them in the process. He advises them to get away from each other, and from their codependent friendship. The lawyers leave the room slowly while Fred lets something or other wash over him.
As Elaine types, Jackson leans right over her shoulder and gives instructions. This causes Elaine to sweat one big drop while Mark watches like he's Inspecter Clouseau. Whatever. This subplot is so incredibly lame. Richard and John come off the elevator and bump into each other for no reason. Ling jealously tells Jackson to forget the settlement -- that the jury's reached a verdict. Mark runs up to Elaine and carps about her sweat. Elaine excuses herself by saying that not being single is new to her.
Richard hands John an olive branch in the Unisex. John leads Richard to his Hole in the Stall.
The jury decides that Ms. Albright should pay Mackey only $10,000. Ling says that they pretty much won as far as the money was concerned. "I was fighting for a principle," says Ms. Albright. "Yeah, yeah," Ling tells her. I'm envisioning a new slogan for Fish & Cage -- maybe something like, "Where we get you off and then kick you in the teeth." Ling walks out of the courtroom, but not fast enough to miss Jackson asking Renee out for a drink. She's jealous. Quick, Ling! Throw your golden spider at Renee and slit her throat!
Richard and John enjoy martinis and cigars in the room behind the stall. John confides that he doesn't think things will work out between and Melanie and himself. Richard feels the same way about his relationship with Ling, and says, "You thought it was time to show me your hole." Then he says "Mamboquette," and sentimental music plays. If we have to see Tom Jones kissing Barry White, I'm leaving.
Vonda sings as Mark and Elaine dance. Renee sits at a small table with Jackson and asks him whether this thing between him and Ling is over or not. Jackson claims that it is. Ling sits by Ally and acts jealous. Elaine walks up and gushes to Ally that her relationship with Mark seems to be a real one. She doesn't have a clue about men, besides their need for sex. Ally gives Elaine advice as if anyone should believe or give a shit about what she has to say. Vonda sings louder. Ling is still mooning over Jackson. Get over it, Ling. It was just a freaking one-night-stand. Plus, the guy's last name is Duper. That's reason enough never to want sex with him again, as far as I'm concerned. This storyline is wack, y'all.
John and Richard play catch. I guess their hot sex takes place off screen.
week: Ally "accidentally" climbs into Renee's bed to Jackson, and then exclaims over his penis. Larry returns in a haze of light with Enya-esque music in the background.