After the longest "previously on Ally McBeal" sequence ever, we see Boston at night and hear Vonda sing about young love. Ling's staying late at Fish & Cage to catch up on her catalogues. Richard goes into her office and invites her to play catch. She's not enthused. John barges in and accuses Richard of having stolen his glove. Richard says that the glove belongs to the firm. He and John have a silly brawl over the glove. My VCR makes a scratchy noise that sounds like a cat's howl. It would have been funny if animal noises weren't overused on this show already. Jackson comes in and asks what's going on. "Not everything's about you, Jackson," Richard tells him, as he and John continue fighting like kindergarteners on the playground.
Five billion commercials later, it's morning at Fish & Cage. Ling comes off the elevator in a "winter white" parka and scarf, and makes her growling noise at Elaine. Jackson speaks to Elaine for a moment, causing her to perspire profusely. Mark gets all pissy about this, passive-aggressively asking Elaine about her health. Okay, the sweating gag wasn't funny the first time they showed it. I can't believe they're making a whole subplot out of it.
Morning meeting: Jackson tells everyone about his case. He's representing Gloria Albright, a law-firm owner who's being sued for firing all her male employees. Ally pipes up, saying that Renee is representing Mackey, the plaintiff. Jackson asks whether Renee's any good. Richard is forced to say, "Renee? You kidding? Pretty, smart...you like big knockers?" Ally and Ling sort of pretend to take offense at this. John eats something that looks like flan and glares at Richard. Jackson requests that a woman second-chair for him. Ling says she's free. Richard tells John to take it, instead. "Do I look like a woman to you, jitwad?" asks John. "Jitwad"? What is a jitwad? What is jit? Richard implies that John is a "lawn jockey." I don't really know what that means, either. Does it have something to do with sports? ["Can't help you on the 'jitwad,' since I think they just made it up. But a lawn jockey is a little statue tasteless people put on their front lawns. In the olden days, they were always black. But they're small, which I guess is the joke when it's applied to John." -- Wing Chun] I bet it's not funny at all, though. ["No, it's not." -- Wing Chun] John storms out of the meeting room in a huff.
John carries his flan to his secret Hole In The Stall. Melanie is already there, so they both get to scream like maniacs. John complains about Richard's dominating behavior. He's really upset about it. Melanie suggests couples' therapy. She already has a therapist in mind. Melanie is wearing thin on me. I'll be glad when Ms. Heche's contract is up.
In court, Mr. Mackey testifies that Ms. Albright fired him because she wanted to purge her offices of "sexual currents" by ridding them of all the male employees. Jackson asks Mr. Mackey how many times he thinks about sex per day. Renee objects strenuously, but then Jackson's smile and the sound effects that accompany it cause her to change her pretty little mind. Ling watches this without a smile on her face. She never smiles, though, so it doesn't mean much. Jackson asks Mr. Mackey if he's ever fantasized about having sex with Ms. Albright, or with Renee. Then he has Ling stand up and asks Mr. Mackey whether he would fantasize about her. Ling is wearing all white again. This time, she sports a tuxedo-ish shirt that's slit from the collar to the waist. As far as I can tell, she isn't wearing any undergarments beneath the shirt. Maybe she has on one of those weird crossover bras from Fredericks, though. Mr. Mackey admits that any man would fantasize about the three women, proving the point Jackson's trying to make. Ling growls at Jackson, but we're not supposed to empathize with her, since she's wearing the inappropriate shirt and he's doing so well on the case and all.
Elaine sits in Ally's office and vents about Mark. Ally says something stale about communication in relationships, as if she's one to give advice. Elaine explains that she doesn't communicate -- she exchanges quick apologies and then has sex. She doesn't want to do that this time, though. When she's not loving a man, it's only because she's hating him. She actually prefers hating the men, because there's more dignity in it, she says. Upset, Elaine tells Ally to go call Larry and leave her alone. Ally sarcastically dismisses her, like the true-blue friend she is. While watching this scene, I suddenly feel remorse. Throughout the past two seasons, I've made fun of Ally for having messy hair. Then, recently, I re-entered the work force full-time, myself. I got an office job that involved quirky co-workers and an unusual restroom. I started wearing polyester clothing, some pieces of which had prints reminiscent of the seventies. I have to admit, even, that I might have been the slightest bit neurotic a couple of times in the past few months. All this happened, and it made me think. Could it be...could it possibly be that there's a little bit of Ally McBeal in me? I thought about it for a few minutes, but then I started keeping a hairbrush in my desk and now everything's okay. Besides...I'm not a violent schizophrenic and my co-workers like me. So, no, there's no Ally in me, after all.
Ling stomps into the ever-empty courthouse room with Jackson right behind her. She's annoyed that Jackson reduced her to a sexual object. He had to do it for the case, he explains. He has to explain this because she's apparently too stupid to realize it on her own. Renee bursts into the room, angry for the same reason Ling is. Jackson smooth-talks her out of it. Then the judge for the case comes in. It's the large female judge with the messed-up hair and unflattering glasses. She asks if she can step out of her robe for a minute. Ling says, "I'd vomit." The judge is annoyed with Jackson because he didn't treat her as a sex object. She says that, as a woman, she found his actions rude, as well as bad lawyering. At this point, we're all supposed to laugh and shout, "As if! It's so hilarious that this fat bitch thinks anyone should think of her in a sexual way! HA!" This is confirmed when the judge adds, "Plenty of boys go for the big girl," and the comedic music plays. See, Ally McBeal is like soap operas in that you aren't sure who's sexy until the writers tell you. A lot of the actors are just average-looking (but with lots of makeup.) The writers have the all the characters remark on a particular character's beauty over and over again. Intelligent viewers say to themselves, "Okay...this woman is playing a character who's supposed to be beautiful." The other viewers run out and buy magazines that feature the supposedly beautiful actress on the covers.
John and Melanie present the therapy idea to Richard. Richard would rather visit his proctologist. He says that men don't express emotions to each other -- that his father never said "I love you"; he only said, "Mamboquette." At least, that's what the closed-captioning says that Richard's father said. I don't know what "Mamboquette" means. I wonder if it was supposed to be "mambo cat," but then again, I don't know what that means, either.