Let me start off by saying that I gave this episode a grade of D, for boring. Yes, "boring" starts with "B." If I'd given it a B, though, it would have meant that the show was good. Understand now? I thought you would. ["Maybe it could have been 'D' for 'dull'?" -- Wing Chun]
Larry sleeps in Ally's bed, but holds Ally's teddy bear instead of holding her. Ally dreams of Vonda singing, then wakes up and hits Larry, calling him a pig. See, she dreamed he left her with only a note for a goodbye. Larry tries to reason with her. Ally tells him to hush. She's going to go back to sleep, find him in her dream, and deal with him there. Poor Larry. What a hellish awakening. He could have woken up to Famke Janssen.
At the Fish & Cage morning meeting, we learn that Sam Adams, Latin lover stereotypical-aire, is suing his former dance partner, Ms. Cortez. ["Did you know that until very recently, our own Alex Richmond was dating a guy named Sam Adams? She was. Shout-out?" -- Wing Chun] There's a Latin ballroom-dancing competition coming up, and Sam wants to keep Ms. Cortez from using his salsa moves to win it. Nelle is handling the case, or, as she puts it: "Doing him. Er, uh, doing his case." John mutters, "Doing his glutes -- that's what she's probably doing." Yeah, she's doing his glutes. That makes sense. Actually, I can think of a way that it would make sense, but I doubt that's what the writers intended, and after last episode's foray into rim jobs, I really don't want to pursue this train of thought any further. Richard excuses John by explaining that he's horny because Melanie's out of town. Ew, gross. Elaine comes in and announces that Cindy McAuliff is there to see Richard.
Cindy wears a weird plaid choker as she explains to Richard that she wants to get married. Unrealistically, she wants Richard to represent her as she contests Massachusetts's stricture against same-sex marriage. She explains that Richard has a firm grasp of the homophobia that they'll be facing, and that's why he's the right attorney for the case. Sure, Cindy -- whatever. Richard says that he'll have to bring on a second chair since this case involves the law and he finds the law boring.
Sam Adams enters the Fish & Cage lobby, causing Elaine to become her own private dancer, a dancer of salsa, she does what she wants herself to do. Ally walks up and asks her if everything's all right. Elaine says it is. Then Ally takes off, and Elaine goes back to her dance. It would have been a better scene if Ally hadn't interrupted.
Ally walks into her office to find a cute little urchin sitting in her chair. He's wearing a knit cap, too. Aw, that's so cute. The only thing that could make him cuter would be saucily precocious comments. The little boy sits behind Ally's candy bowl with the Cathy-esque heart on it and says that he wants to sue his parents for splitting up. He says "bene-fishy" instead of "beneficiary." Aw! That's SO CUTE! Can you guess what the boy's name is? I bet you can. It's Sam Paul.
In the conference room, Nelle, John, and a lawyer played by the guy who played Jim Walsh on Beverly Hills ["James Eckhouse" -- Wing Chun] listen to Sam Adams and Ms. Cortez argue in Spanish. Oh, those hot-blooded Latins are so fiery-tempered, aren't they? John screams, "Dejame montar el cabalito!" in a very Richard Simmons-y way. That means, "Let me ride the pony." He apologizes and explains that he learned that one bit of Spanish from a nanny. Why is John on this case, since he obviously can't behave professionally around Nelle? Ms. Cortez avers that no one can stop her from doing whatever dance moves she wants. She will see Nelle in court. She also calls Nelle a fool, since she sees that things have gotten personal between her and Sam Adams. Looks of chagrin abound as Ms. Cortez stalks out of the room.
Larry questions Sam (Paul, not Adams) heatedly as Ally watches, fingers her face, and mugs non-stop. Sam describes how his mother tucks him in every night and then goes to her room and cries. Sam cries, too. I'm sorry, but didn't Larry break up with Sam's mother years ago? And didn't he get married to someone else in the interim? Have Sam and Jamie been crying all this time? If so, that's pretty sad.
Sam and Ally wait while Larry argues with Jamie on his cell phone in the other room. Ally touches her mouth throughout this scene, too. Sam comments that he expected Ally to be younger. He estimates her age to be fifty. He asks whether she loves Larry, whether she has kids, and whether her biological clock is all ticked out. Ally makes her usual angry/disgusted face. Jokes about women being touchy about their age are perennially funny, aren't they? Oh, wait -- no, they aren't.
Cindy and her fiancé meet with Richard and Ling. Cindy's fiancé points out that Vermont now recognizes same-sex marriages. Richard says that even homophobes like himself wanted Vermont to rule thusly. He wanted all the gays to move to Vermont because of the thick, wooded areas. Ling sighs at this, probably because it makes no sense at all -- not even in a twisted, homophobic way. Cindy's boyfriend asks why she hired Richard. Cindy says that Richard won her last case, and that if they can convert him, well....Richard asks, "Convert me into what?" I ask, "What are these people talking about?"
In court, Sam Adams compares himself and Ms. Cortez to Simon and Garfunkel: they were a team, but everyone knows who wrote the songs. Then he gratuitously compares dancing to making love, causing Nelle to Freudian slip all over the place. Ms. Cortez's attorney assesses that Sam Adams and Ms. Cortez were lovers. Nelle objects, apparently because this is news to her. She withdraws her objection when the judge gives her a look. Sam Adams tells the court that he and Ms. Cortez discovered the dance moves in question while they were having sex, and that he was definitely the teacher in that relationship. Can I object? Is this at all necessary?
In one of the little courthouse side rooms, Nelle gets on Sam Adams for not telling her about his prior relationship with Ms. Cortez. He asks her if she's angry as his lawyer, or angry as a woman who's also slept with him. John's nose whistles. Nelle sputters, and then asks John to excuse them for a moment. Nelle complains some more. Sam kisses her and then suggests that she isn't the right lawyer for this case. Nelle demurs with a brave smile. I wonder if she's trying the case for free.
Sam (Paul, not Adams) comes off the Fish & Cage elevator wearing a long trench coat, which hides Larry, on whose shoulders he's riding. Larry is, in turn, riding a unicycle. They unsteadily wheel up to Elaine. Sam lip-synchs as Larry says that he'd like to sue the unicycle manufacturer for selling him only half a bicycle, and on and on. Maybe it's just because I have the flu, or because I'm overworked, or because I have real-life problems of my own, but this isn't funny to me at all. Is there one person in America who found this amusing? One person not involved with the show, I mean. The constant juxtaposition of tasteless sex jokes and unfunny, un-cute shenanigans on this show is enough to make me....It's enough to make me comment on it negatively in my recaps, I guess. Ally comes out and watches Sam and Larry pretend to fall into her office. They aren't hurt, though. Weren't you worried? Larry tells Ally that Sam will be staying with him for the couple of days so that Sam can see his life. Ally asks when she'll see Larry again. He informs her that he and Sam will be sleeping at her place that evening. I hope he's kidding.