Vonda and some guy sing a Nancy and Frank Sinatra song at the bar. Elaine dances with Mark, and Melanie dances with John. Déjà freaking vu. Melanie is dressed like a flapper for some reason. She and John smash their faces together and she asks him to walk her to her apartment. John makes a goofy face.
In the dingy hallway of her complex, Melanie babbles and ticks about how it's the first time she's ever invited anyone to her apartment. She opens the door and we hear magically tinkly piano music as John looks around. At first I can't tell what's so special. It looks sort of like Ally's apartment, in fact, but with more knick-knacks. There's the same overall warm color scheme with a few touches of bright cools. Then we see that it's all one room. John asks where the bed and "commode" are. Melanie flips switches, making the bed come out of the closet and the toilet come out from under an ottoman or something. Of course John gets all hot over that, because of his stupid-invention fetish. He tells Melanie that her apartment is magical. I knew he'd say that. They start to kiss, but Melanie has to scream first and cause John to scream, too. Then they try to kiss again, and there's a loud noise and the room moves. John thinks it's an earthquake but it's not. Melanie tells him that her apartment is actually an old service elevator. Hey, that is pretty magical -- to have closets and a toilet in an elevator like that. We get the spooky swooping-down overhead camera, which must be from a Hitchcock movie or something, and the elevator apartment sinks down. What freaking ever.
We get our regular camera-over-Boston shots after the theme song, but this time, as the camera goes over that one big pointy building, the camera jerks and there's a crashing sound. I think that was David E. Kelley saying "screw you -- screw you with a big building" to his viewers.
John doesn't show up at the Fish & Cage morning meeting because he's haunting Melanie's classroom again. Ling comments on the disgusting puppy-doggish nature of his infatuation with Melanie. Richard says "excellent" and moves on. Although I haven't said it much lately, I still love Greg Germann and hope he finds a better gig after this show crashes and burns. He instructs Ally to represent Roth Public Relations firm, which has been sued by a receptionist they fired for being fat. He tells Mark to take second chair. I'm confused because I thought it was established last season that Mark was the better lawyer. Richard explains that Roth PR wanted a female lawyer. Ally pretends that she's too morally indignant to take the case. Nelle expresses surprise that the PR firm admitted they fired the woman for being fat. Richard says that he saw her picture and she was a "beast." Then he tells them all that he's entered the staff in a charity twist contest, and everyone forgets about the fat chick. Chubby Checker will perform. Woo hoo. Nelle says, "I don't twist." Richard wants to add a $1000 bet to the fun. Mark wants in on that action, since his partner will be Elaine, and everyone knows she can dance her booty off. Nelle still doesn't twist. Ling is a champion twister, she informs us herself. An animal noise plays while Ling and Ally look at each other, because all women are vicious, catty, jealous, dog cow pig horse giraffes. So Ally's in. Can't wait to see her twist her thing. Not.
Melanie strums a guitar and sings "Mr. Bojangles" to her class. I'd be annoyed if my kids' teachers traumatized them like that. The kids rock back and forth, probably because they have to pee. Then they sing along, as if they know that song. Maybe they do, though. Maybe their parents force them to listen to that album and Peter, Paul, and Mary, too. John sings the word "dance" and everyone laughs at him. The recess bell rings and all the kids run out like a swarm of seventies-tune-singing locusts. One little boy asks Melanie when they're going to see Mr. Bo again. She answers vaguely and shoos him out. She explains to John that Mr. Bo is a homeless guy on Tremont Street, and she'd like to introduce him. You know how they love homeless people on this show. Hannah of nakedsometimes.com was kind enough to email me this advisory: "Anne Heche pronounced Tremont St. 'Treemont,' when anyone who lived here for more than two seconds knows it is Trimmont St." I'm not surprised at all.
Elaine informs Ally that Mark and the new client are waiting in her office. Ally complains that this is silly -- that new clients don't hire lawyers on the day of trial. Elaine says, "Anything can happen around here Ally. You keep forgetting we don't live in a real world." I have to smile and say touché to that one. Then Ally says, "Does chauvinism live in the real world? Firing a receptionist for being fat? Is that what the world has come to?" Well, I'm fat, and I started being a receptionist in November. I'm not one anymore. I got promoted to Communications Manager. Maybe my world's not real, either, though. I mean, there are plenty of fat women in my world who actually get to have sex. There are lots of gay men who aren't completely dismissed and belittled. There are lesbians who don't serve as masturbatory fodder for straight men. There are even people who aren't lawyers or teachers or judges. I admit, however, that I'm sheltered. I don't socialize with many people who watch Ally McBeal, Golden Globe winner. I guess that makes mine the loser world, huh?
Ally is surprised to discover that the new client is a woman. "Et tu, Portia?" we see her thinking. The woman's name is Jerry Hill. She's played by Brenda Strong, who looked familiar to me. I checked the IMDB. Brenda was in lots and lots of movies, but I recognized her from The Craft, because that's the kind of movie I bother to remember. She was also in Sports Night and Starship Troopers. That Brenda gets around. Ally assesses the facts. The receptionist was fired for being overweight and therefore not attractive enough to do her job. Ally again balks at taking the case, fingering her chin and lower lip all the while. Ms. Hill says, "I need you, Ms. McBeal." Ally doesn't believe people should be judged on first impressions. Jerry Hill points out that Ally certainly seems to be judging her. Speaking of superficiality, I just have to say that Mark's looking pretty sweet in this scene. He has this new gelled-volume '80s thing going on with his hair, and his eyes are all sparkly hazel or green. He's also keeping his mouth closed, keeping me from imagining what some of my readers would say about his teeth. I don't care, though. I'd do him. Oh, wait. I forgot. I'm fat. Let me get back to doing my job until I get fired, then.
Richard tells Ally to do her job, too. "You want me to argue that it's okay to evaluate somebody based on looks?" Ally asks him. Ling appears and replies, "What else is there?" Ally tells her to go pluck an eyebrow, or at least pencil one in. Ooh! PUT DOWN! Not. Ling says, "You know, Ally, back when you were attractive, you didn't mind being judged on looks alone," and I think, "Dang! I can't believe they're addressing her anorexia like that!" But then Ling says, "Funny how principle pops up with wrinkles," and I say, "Eh." Ally threatens Ling with physical violence. Richard tells them to settle it on the dance floor. Ally hits him. I wish I worked at Fish & Cage so that Ally could hit me, and then I could beat the crap out of her before calling the cops and then suing her.
Elaine slams Mark against the wall and explains to him that he must practice dancing with her so that she can win. She reminds us of the travesty that occurred last season when Ally beat her in the Tina Turner dance contest. Elaine says that she needs to win. Mark doesn't do much. I remember Ally's dancing in that other episode and run to puke. At this rate, I'll be beautiful and amazing in no time…
Melanie takes John to meet Mr. Bo, screaming at another homeless man on the way. Mr. Bo doesn't like John and he hasn't had a shower since Christmas. He's one of those gruff, ornery homeless men. Melanie is wearing a whole new flapper outfit, causing Mr. Bo to call her an angel. John agrees with him, pissing off Mr. Bo. Melanie gives Mr. Bo money and tells him that she's bringing the class to see him again. They leave. John comments on Mr. Bo's obvious dislike of him. Melanie blows it off. Mr. Bo was wearing a short purple cape. Oh, those wacky, wise, homeless people, right?
Back at Fish & Cage, John tells Richard how enraptured he is with Melanie's apartment. I'm guessing the sex wasn't worth remembering, then. Elaine accuses Richard of putting Mark on the Roth case so that he wouldn't have time to practice twisting. Richard asks her, "Are you really that dopey or do you just say silly things to go with your outfits?" Oh, man, that was cold. Mr. Bo appears out of nowhere, malevolently staring at John. John freaks out. Mr. Bo makes another scary face and disappears on the elevator. John asks Ling if she saw the homeless man. She replies negatively and sarcastically. Suddenly Melanie is there and John tells her what happened. John is afraid that Mr. Bo is after him. Melanie blows it off.
In court, the plaintiff's attorney questions the plaintiff, the allegedly overweight receptionist. I want to say, first of all, that this receptionist is prettier than Jerry Hill. She's played by someone named Jenica Bergere and looks sort of like Gillian Anderson. She's also funny and sarcastic as she explains that Jerry unapologetically fired her for being five pounds overweight. Ally points out that the receptionist was warned before being fired. Now I have to transcribe the rest of their conversation so that you can hear how ludicrous it is.
Receptionist: When's the last time somebody told you to diet?
Ally: Well, I...I don't think we need to get personal.
Receptionist: Tsk, I hate it when thin people think they know what we go through.
Ally: I didn't...
Receptionist: Just because their butt is a tad big, they think they know what it's like to have a weight problem.
Ally: I didn't...I duh…My butt is not a tad big.
Receptionist: If it were, should you be fired for it?
Ally: That's not the point.
Receptionist: What is the point?
Ally: I have contour.
Judge Walsh: Ms. McBeal…
Ally: Let me see your ass.
Mark: Ally...
Receptionist: Ha.
Judge Walsh: Ms. McBeal.
Why did the receptionist say that stuff about thin people knowing what fat people go through? It didn't even make sense. Is this woman supposed to be fat, or five pounds overweight? I can't tell. I hope David E. Kelley doesn't think that he's settling any scores with this subplot. The receptionist's mouth was full of red herrings and nonsense. I guess I'd rather see that than napkins and pencils, though. Ally does her little rapid-fire-spitting-of-words thing and asks the receptionist, whose name is suddenly Ms. Pipp, if she believes that people are often judged on looks. Ms. Pipp believes that it happens all the time. Ally asks if it's possible, then, that people would judge a company on the way its receptionist looks. Ms. Pipp is silenced by Ally's sharp legal eagle-ry. I hope, for Ally's sake, that Judge Walsh doesn't decide the case based on the way she looks.
In the Fish & Cage lobby, Ling offers to hook Nelle up with a dance instructor she knows named Sam Adams. There are a couple of lame jokes about dead presidents and beer, and the conclusion is that Nelle still doesn't want to enter the contest.
John complains to Melanie about Mr. Bo's seemingly obsessive behavior. Melanie promises to handle everything. I wonder if wacky hijinks will ensue. Gee, I certainly hope so. If there's one thing this show doesn't have enough of, it's wackiness.
At Ally's apartment, Larry agrees to enter the twist contest with Ally. Ally asks him for advice about her case, saying that she's in a no-win situation. Larry doesn't see it. Ally asks if he thinks it's right to hire and fire based on looks. Larry points out that Fish & Cage is known for hiring "babes." He names Ally, Ling, Nelle, and Georgia as if that's evidence. He says that all the male lawyers in town want to work for Fish & Cage because of it, and the female ones do, too, because "it's like being a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader." Ally does what the closed-captioning calls "menacing laughter." I found it more maniacal, myself. I've lost respect for Larry Paul, as well. I thought he was the good, sensitive, wise-for-his-years Holy Grail guy, but apparently he's just as shallow as every other character.
John strolls into the Unisex and opens a stall, only to find Mr. Bo on the pot. He screams and runs out into the lobby. Mr. Bo follows him. The thing we see is Melanie yelling at John for having Mr. Bo arrested. They yell and tick unfunnily, and John says the word "poopy." Then we see that Elaine is eavesdropping outside the office door. Richard walks up and joins her for a bit. Elaine asks whether Ling's ever won any twist competitions. Richard makes a gratuitous comparison between dancing and sex. Melanie runs out of the office and John yells after her, "And I don't even have Tourette's! I was just pretending to get a little action!" Well, that's pleasant of him to say. Richard says something goofy and John gives him and Elaine very exaggerated dirty looks. He always looks incredibly unfunny and stupid when he does that.
Ally questions Jerry Hill on the stand. We learn that Jerry believes that pretty receptionists make for a happier waiting area experience. Even the female clients appreciate receptionists who look like models, says Ms. Hill. Ally narrows her eyes at this. Then the prosecuting attorney reiterates the same points, makes a pithy remark, and the scene ends. Personally, I prefer receptionists who are polite and efficient. I'm just a freak of nature, though.
Ling asks Nelle to take just one dance lesson. "I do not like my eggs with Spam, I do not twist, Sam I Am," says Nelle. Too bad, because the dance instructor is waiting outside the door. The Salsa Music of Upcoming Sexual Desire plays as Sam Adams walks in. He is an attractive-enough Latino played by a man known simply as Chayanne. He shakes Nelle's hand, commenting that it's cold while he feels her forearm with his other hand. Nelle is bien encantada. She decides to go ahead and take one lesson.
Mr. Bo is hauled into court on a stalking charge. Melanie shows up and tries to have the charges dropped. The judge tells her to hush. John shows up and drops the charges himself. Melanie is all happy. Whatever.
Ally barges into Richard's office and demands to see the firm's résumé. There's a big routine with keys and locks and alarms. Then Ally's handed the file and she reads, "Our lawyers have legs to stand on." I can't tell if that's supposed to be a sexual innuendo or what. Richard points out that he never interviewed Ally or looked at her résumé. He says he's still looking for her ability as a lawyer. He says that people hate lawyers and would rather feel screwed by beautiful female attorneys than plain old non-beautiful ones. Ally is shocked and disgusted. Richard tells her that she trades on her looks every day, and that's why she puts on makeup to come to work. She gasps and leaves. Whatever.
The Salsa Trumpets of Latino Stereotypes play as Sam Adams teaches Nelle to salsa. If she can salsa, he says, the twist will be easy. And he seems to think that she can salsa. Elaine eaves-watches and fumes. She goes to complain to Ally. "You people win at everything. I'm sick of you people," she says. She reminds us that she doesn't have a law degree and that she needs some way to feel like a winner at the firm and blah, blah, blah. Didn't we hear this speech in the Tina Turner dance contest episode? Why can't Elaine just go to community college classes if this is such an issue for her? Ally retorts that even though she has a degree, she was only hired because she was a babe. Elaine snorts derisively at this assertion. Then she tries to play it off and says that Ally is smart and educated. Elaine still wants to win the contest, though.
John shows up at Melanie's classroom at the end of the day. She's still pissy with him over what happened with Mr. Bo. John asks why he's so important to Melanie. "He's my father," she says. John tries to make the face that Luke Skywalker made when he found out that Darth Vader was his dad, but it's not really working. I realize that this show could use a little light-saber action. Either that, or John and Ally could get stuck in a big Death Star trash compactor.
Melanie talks about her father-related shame and embarrassment. Then she says her father's a nice person. He prefers to be homeless because it makes him less stressed and more peaceful -- or something. John wants to meet with Mr. Bo. Melanie warns that her father will want to wrestle John. John sighs. I sigh. How many more quirky bastards can they fit into this show?
Ms. Pipp's attorney closes by talking about how first impressions and packaging are everything in our society. "But this woman is a human being, for God's sake, and where do we draw the line, and Soylent Green is pe-e-e-eople!" he says. Then Ally gets up and repeats that packaging does count, and that Ms. Hill's receptionist is part of her company's packaging. You know, however, that she couldn't just close the case without making it about herself, right? She informs the jury that she herself was hired for her looks. She says, "I got my job based on my appearance -- my pretty face, my slender legs, the perfect contour of my buttocks. Does that make me proud? No." Jeez, this show makes me ill. Throughout the two closings, we go back and forth between reaction shots from Ms. Hill and Ms. Pipp. I can't get over the fact that Ms. Pipp is better looking than both Ms. Hill and Ally. I guess I'm just being shallow, though. However, even if Ms. Pipp weren't pretty, I'd rather have sex with her than with Ally, because she's funny. Funny chicks turn me on. I guess that's why I don't like Ally McBeal very much.
John approaches Mr. Bo at Ye Olde Homeless Persons' Bonfire. After a rude exchange of words, Mr. Bo solemnly asks if John loves Melanie. John thinks he does. "Then I have to wrestle you," says Mr. Bo, in a way that was almost funny. John demurs and offers to purchase some mental health treatment for Mr. Bo instead. Mr. Bo calls John a chicken and ominous-yet-humorous music plays.
The jury decides in favor of Jerry Hill. Jerry and Ally trade vaguely barbed words that have no effect on anything, except maybe on Jerry's perception of Fish & Cage's professionalism. All I can say is that, if physical attributes were such an important part of Ms. Pipp's job, Ms. Hill should have said so before hiring her. It should have been in the job description so that women applying for the job could decide whether they wanted to go through the hassle of being sex objects or not. Because it was not in the job description, Ms. Pipp wasted years of her career at Roth PR and now only has a hole in her résumé to show for it.
Can we just get to the freaking twist contest already? Sheesh.
The camera moves jerkily over Boston at night, reminding me of that Madonna video in which I used to think Madonna was singing "And I feel like a disco ball." She actually sings "I feel like I just got home." My version sounds better, doesn't it? That's me, though. I'm wacky with the song lyrics. That's my quirk. I know some of MBTV's sometime readers think that I don't have the right to make fun of the show because I don't always know all the details of the songs played on it. I didn't recognize the words of master lyricist Bob Seger -- who am I to voice an opinion? In response, I'd like to quote the man himself:
I used her and she used me and neither one cared
We were getting our share
Workin' on the night moves
See? I use Ally for this job, and she uses me and the other fat chicks for ridicule and ratings, and neither of us care. I write my recaps at night, hence I'm working on the night moves. No, I didn't recognize the work of Bob last week. I didn't recognize the guy singing with Vonda at the beginning of this episode. That's my quirk -- don't you see? Like John and Ally, I'm quirky. Don't you find me lovable now? Don't you want to give me a trophy?
So we're at the twist contest, and Chubby Checker's singing. Richard thought he was dead. Ling sits to him wearing a ponytail and big hoop earrings. Nelle wears red, with a big red flower in her hair. Sam Adams tells her that she's ready. He says that the secret is sex. She must make love to the song. Nelle says, "Okay." She's probably disturbed by Sam's blatant Hot Latin Lover typecasting. Elaine meditates and Mark asks her to channel some rhythm his way.
John and Mr. Bo engage in a ridiculous wrestling match while the throng of homeless people howls. Mr. Bo says that John's a little wiry, but he's allowed to date Melanie. John calls him a "kookball." Mr. Bo invites John to share a piece of salmon with him. John answers sarcastically and all I can think about is how bad the two of them must smell at this point.
Chubby Checker sings "The Twist." Everyone sits at the tables and torso-dances, including John, Melanie, and Mr. Bo. Then everyone dances for real. John and Melanie act silly. Ally slaps Larry's ass. Richard and Ling just look normal. Nelle's partner moves suggestively around her. Mark wears a letterman sweater while Elaine twists her butt off around him. Chubby Checker himself must dance with Elaine's sinfully twisty goodness. He even picks her up and bounces her on his hip for a moment. Then everyone knows that she has won. Elaine is the queen. She blows the crowd a kiss. She is happy for this one brief shining moment.
Melanie invites her dad to join her and John for dinner. Mr. Bo calls John "the toad" and says that they already ate. John calls him a kookball. Mr. Bo asks Melanie to call him "Dad" instead of "Mr. Bo" from now on. John yells that Melanie's not ashamed of her father. Otherwise she wouldn't have brought her students and John to meet him. John and Mr. Bo argue with each other and Mr. Bo tells Melanie that John's okay. Yeah, yeah.
Elaine salivates over her trophy. Larry and Ally watch her. Ally makes semi-bitchy comments. Then she leaves and Larry gives Elaine some psycho-babbly advice. It's something about not holding herself up to the trophy and about putting it in a drawer to keep it from tarnishing. Elaine seems to understand what he means. Larry and Ally leave. Elaine opens a cabinet but then hugs the trophy to her chest for a while. Vonda sings a depressing song about a woman who won a contest in a nightclub and wanted to be Betty Grable, but whose dreams ultimately never came true. I guess Elaine's a loser because her ass isn't as skinny as Ally's.
week: Ally taints Larry's son with her touch. Then she tells Larry to go back and live with him. Taye Diggs comes to Fish & Cage and is slobbered on by Nelle and Ling. Anne Heche's hair is curled very tightly.