Let me start off by saying that I gave this episode a grade of D, for boring. Yes, "boring" starts with "B." If I'd given it a B, though, it would have meant that the show was good. Understand now? I thought you would. ["Maybe it could have been 'D' for 'dull'?" -- Wing Chun]
Larry sleeps in Ally's bed, but holds Ally's teddy bear instead of holding her. Ally dreams of Vonda singing, then wakes up and hits Larry, calling him a pig. See, she dreamed he left her with only a note for a goodbye. Larry tries to reason with her. Ally tells him to hush. She's going to go back to sleep, find him in her dream, and deal with him there. Poor Larry. What a hellish awakening. He could have woken up to Famke Janssen.
At the Fish & Cage morning meeting, we learn that Sam Adams, Latin lover stereotypical-aire, is suing his former dance partner, Ms. Cortez. ["Did you know that until very recently, our own Alex Richmond was dating a guy named Sam Adams? She was. Shout-out?" -- Wing Chun] There's a Latin ballroom-dancing competition coming up, and Sam wants to keep Ms. Cortez from using his salsa moves to win it. Nelle is handling the case, or, as she puts it: "Doing him. Er, uh, doing his case." John mutters, "Doing his glutes -- that's what she's probably doing." Yeah, she's doing his glutes. That makes sense. Actually, I can think of a way that it would make sense, but I doubt that's what the writers intended, and after last episode's foray into rim jobs, I really don't want to pursue this train of thought any further. Richard excuses John by explaining that he's horny because Melanie's out of town. Ew, gross. Elaine comes in and announces that Cindy McAuliff is there to see Richard.
Cindy wears a weird plaid choker as she explains to Richard that she wants to get married. Unrealistically, she wants Richard to represent her as she contests Massachusetts's stricture against same-sex marriage. She explains that Richard has a firm grasp of the homophobia that they'll be facing, and that's why he's the right attorney for the case. Sure, Cindy -- whatever. Richard says that he'll have to bring on a second chair since this case involves the law and he finds the law boring.
Sam Adams enters the Fish & Cage lobby, causing Elaine to become her own private dancer, a dancer of salsa, she does what she wants herself to do. Ally walks up and asks her if everything's all right. Elaine says it is. Then Ally takes off, and Elaine goes back to her dance. It would have been a better scene if Ally hadn't interrupted.
Ally walks into her office to find a cute little urchin sitting in her chair. He's wearing a knit cap, too. Aw, that's so cute. The only thing that could make him cuter would be saucily precocious comments. The little boy sits behind Ally's candy bowl with the Cathy-esque heart on it and says that he wants to sue his parents for splitting up. He says "bene-fishy" instead of "beneficiary." Aw! That's SO CUTE! Can you guess what the boy's name is? I bet you can. It's Sam Paul.
In the conference room, Nelle, John, and a lawyer played by the guy who played Jim Walsh on Beverly Hills ["James Eckhouse" -- Wing Chun] listen to Sam Adams and Ms. Cortez argue in Spanish. Oh, those hot-blooded Latins are so fiery-tempered, aren't they? John screams, "Dejame montar el cabalito!" in a very Richard Simmons-y way. That means, "Let me ride the pony." He apologizes and explains that he learned that one bit of Spanish from a nanny. Why is John on this case, since he obviously can't behave professionally around Nelle? Ms. Cortez avers that no one can stop her from doing whatever dance moves she wants. She will see Nelle in court. She also calls Nelle a fool, since she sees that things have gotten personal between her and Sam Adams. Looks of chagrin abound as Ms. Cortez stalks out of the room.
Larry questions Sam (Paul, not Adams) heatedly as Ally watches, fingers her face, and mugs non-stop. Sam describes how his mother tucks him in every night and then goes to her room and cries. Sam cries, too. I'm sorry, but didn't Larry break up with Sam's mother years ago? And didn't he get married to someone else in the interim? Have Sam and Jamie been crying all this time? If so, that's pretty sad.
Sam and Ally wait while Larry argues with Jamie on his cell phone in the other room. Ally touches her mouth throughout this scene, too. Sam comments that he expected Ally to be younger. He estimates her age to be fifty. He asks whether she loves Larry, whether she has kids, and whether her biological clock is all ticked out. Ally makes her usual angry/disgusted face. Jokes about women being touchy about their age are perennially funny, aren't they? Oh, wait -- no, they aren't.
Cindy and her fiancé meet with Richard and Ling. Cindy's fiancé points out that Vermont now recognizes same-sex marriages. Richard says that even homophobes like himself wanted Vermont to rule thusly. He wanted all the gays to move to Vermont because of the thick, wooded areas. Ling sighs at this, probably because it makes no sense at all -- not even in a twisted, homophobic way. Cindy's boyfriend asks why she hired Richard. Cindy says that Richard won her last case, and that if they can convert him, well....Richard asks, "Convert me into what?" I ask, "What are these people talking about?"
In court, Sam Adams compares himself and Ms. Cortez to Simon and Garfunkel: they were a team, but everyone knows who wrote the songs. Then he gratuitously compares dancing to making love, causing Nelle to Freudian slip all over the place. Ms. Cortez's attorney assesses that Sam Adams and Ms. Cortez were lovers. Nelle objects, apparently because this is news to her. She withdraws her objection when the judge gives her a look. Sam Adams tells the court that he and Ms. Cortez discovered the dance moves in question while they were having sex, and that he was definitely the teacher in that relationship. Can I object? Is this at all necessary?
In one of the little courthouse side rooms, Nelle gets on Sam Adams for not telling her about his prior relationship with Ms. Cortez. He asks her if she's angry as his lawyer, or angry as a woman who's also slept with him. John's nose whistles. Nelle sputters, and then asks John to excuse them for a moment. Nelle complains some more. Sam kisses her and then suggests that she isn't the right lawyer for this case. Nelle demurs with a brave smile. I wonder if she's trying the case for free.
Sam (Paul, not Adams) comes off the Fish & Cage elevator wearing a long trench coat, which hides Larry, on whose shoulders he's riding. Larry is, in turn, riding a unicycle. They unsteadily wheel up to Elaine. Sam lip-synchs as Larry says that he'd like to sue the unicycle manufacturer for selling him only half a bicycle, and on and on. Maybe it's just because I have the flu, or because I'm overworked, or because I have real-life problems of my own, but this isn't funny to me at all. Is there one person in America who found this amusing? One person not involved with the show, I mean. The constant juxtaposition of tasteless sex jokes and unfunny, un-cute shenanigans on this show is enough to make me....It's enough to make me comment on it negatively in my recaps, I guess. Ally comes out and watches Sam and Larry pretend to fall into her office. They aren't hurt, though. Weren't you worried? Larry tells Ally that Sam will be staying with him for the couple of days so that Sam can see his life. Ally asks when she'll see Larry again. He informs her that he and Sam will be sleeping at her place that evening. I hope he's kidding.
Cindy finds Mark in the Unisex. She makes a lame joke including the word "penis." Mark acts bitterly jealous. "If you're marrying one man to make another one jealous..." he starts. "I'm marrying one man because I love him. The other man is a bigot," Cindy fires back. Mark's brilliant reply is, "Why? Because he can't get past your being a guy? Do you love him?!" My suggestion to Mark is that, if he's so grossed out by Cindy's being a guy, he concentrate on his new relationship with Elaine and let Cindy urinate in peace. Cindy says that she does love her boyfriend. "I find the odds of that to be astronomical," says Mark. Wow, how rude. Cindy tells Mark a thing or two and then leaves without getting to go to the bathroom. Mark grits his teeth in -- what? Jealousy? Disgust? What is Mark's motivation here, people?
At The Bar, we see Chayanne/Sam Adams perform a song that is probably entitled "Boom, Boom." Nelle does the Hair-Shaking Dance. Elaine dances with John, and then with Chayanne the Man himself, up on stage. Richard watches and asks Ling if he looks like Sam Adams when he does his Tom Jones impression. "Exactly," says Ling.
All too soon, we're seeing Ally again. She's playing and singing "Puff the Magic Dragon" on her piano, with Sam Paul by her side. I wish she wouldn't sing, because her voice annoys me even more than Vonda's. Sam doesn't want her to sing either, but he pretends it's because "Puff" is a sad song. He plays and sings the part about Puff's dying in order to illustrate this point. You can tell that he's taken voice lessons, because he uses the exaggerated diction that singing teachers everywhere get off on. Sam asks whether Ally thinks that Larry will ever come home. Ally hugs him and they have a touching conversation, which Larry, of course, overhears when he sneaks back from the store with the ice cream. Okay, so how long ago was it that Sam's house was Larry's home, first of all, and second of all, how inappropriate is it that Larry really did take Sam to spend the night at Ally's apartment? It's a good thing Renee doesn't mind all these extra people staying at her place rent-free. I guess it's okay if it saved the producers from having to build another set, though.
On the stand, Ms. Cortez tells us more about the sex she had with Sam Adams, and the dance moves it engendered. Then she tells us that Sam likes using rocky relationships as dance inspiration. Nelle objects and the judge overrules. Sam and Ms. Cortez argue in Spanish. John screams, "Quiero una galleta!" The judge tells us that he asked for a cookie, then says that she wants to see these sex-inspired salsa moves. Of course she does. Nelle rolls her eyes, and I roll mine, too. Quiero una margarita.
Larry walks into Ally's office and stutters something about Sam's being at his place, or with Elaine, or something. Ally wonders what he's talking about, and Larry says that he was going to make a joke but ended up unable to do so. Larry's been talking to Sam's teacher and finding out about Sam's fighting and other misbehavior at school. Well, it's nice that Larry's suddenly taking an interest in Sam's education after all these years, I guess. Ally tells Larry that he needs to go to Detroit. Wait -- Ally actually said something unselfish? No way!
Richard tells (guess who?) Judge Walsh that the Constitution says nothing about men being unable to marry men. The attorney for the defense points out that Congress passed an amendment about it. Richard points out that Congress also once passed an amendment against interracial marriage. He babbles about sex offenders and murderers being able to marry. He says that Congress is trying to conform to the views of the rednecks who live in America. Judge Walsh interrupts. Mark jumps up from the back of the courtroom and asks for permission to speak. "Who the hell are you?" asks Judge Walsh. Ha. Judge Walsh is good. Mark has to run up to the bench to tell everyone that he dated Cindy and that she's one of the finest women he's ever known. This causes Cindy to look after him longingly as he stomps out of the courtroom. Whatever, Mark.
Larry tells Ally that he can't just uproot himself again. Ally reminds him of that thing he said to her about having a child and underestimating one's capacity to love, or whatever. She yaks on and on, until Larry finally says, "I will come back." "I know you will, baby," says Ally. They talk some more and when I woke up, they were kissing and Ally was doing that "sad face over the guy's shoulder" thing. I wonder if Robert Downey Jr.'s son is watching this episode.
Chayanne's salsa band magically appears in the courtroom and plays as Sam Adams and Ms. Cortez dance in their matching red-and-black Mod print costumes. Sam's special "moves" include pushing up Ms. Cortez's skirt, touching her between her breasts, and grinding against her in various ways. Nelle cringes throughout. After the number's over, the dancers give each other looks of lust as John claps and Nelle seems less than happy. Now I know what to do time I get a traffic ticket -- hire a choreographer.
Cindy goes to Mark's office to ask him why he said all that stuff in court. Mark tells her she's an extraordinary woman and that he wants her to marry What's-His-Name if she truly loves him. Cindy thanks him and sad music plays as she walks away. Mark inhales semi-dramatically as he watches her butt shake out the door.
Judge Walsh agrees with Mr. Fish that the law against same-sex marriages is stupid. However, he must rule against Cindy, anyway. Cindy thanks Richard for trying. Richard tells her that he's always thought of himself as the captain of his own ship, or at least of his law firm. He offers to perform her marriage ceremony, even though it wouldn't technically be legal. Cindy is surprised. What a nice homophobe Richard is, after all.
Ally goes to Larry's office and sees him in the process of packing. He saved the stupid blue plastic nose for her. He puts in on her face and makes it light up.
Sam's packing his stuff with Renee at Ally's. Ally asks whether she and Larry may have an early dinner. Larry says no, since he has "a problem with goodbyes." He rented a car to take him to the airport so he wouldn't have to say goodbye to her then, either. See, it's just like her dream, in which he only left a note. Brave smiles abound and Larry asks Ally to help him pack. She says "sure," and then stands with her back to him, trying not to cry. Then Larry pretends that he's trying not to cry, too, and Vonda sings us into the scene.
At Nelle's office, Sam Adams has informed her that he and Ms. Cortez are going to be partners again. He asks Nelle to have a celebration dinner with him. Nelle starts with the "You're a great guy, but..." speech. Sam has the nerve to say, "Look, I know you and I weren't meant to be long-term, but short-term, there's so much wonderful sex to be had." What a dude. He kisses her cheek lingeringly. Nelle says that she'll have their case dismissed. They kiss some more and then Nelle pushes him away. Knowing that this is the end, Sam says goodbye. Nelle says, "Yeah." After he leaves, she growls. Yeah, yeah.
Richard asks Cindy if she takes Rick to be her husband, as the whole firm looks on. When Cindy says "I do," annoying Melanie makes a loud, annoying noise. As a clever person astutely pointed out on the forums, Melanie only seems to yell out insults when she's in court. Otherwise, she only squeals a little. I can't believe the writers missed this opportunity to make her shout "Penises!" or "Gay guys!" or something like that. "Then by the powers of me, Richard Fish, rich attorney with his own firm..." Richard says before declaring Cindy and Rick man and wife. Rick kisses the bride, and then Richard asks to kiss her too, stipulating, "No tongue." They kiss. John tells Melanie that he's still waiting for a little hello kiss from her. Melanie makes a big production of dipping him and kissing him, because the tic thing wasn't distracting enough, I guess. "Is she a bigger slut than me?" Elaine demands of Mark. "No," Mark assures her. John's nose has to whistle because he knows that I hate that.
we see Cindy dancing with Rick at The Bar as Mark looks on sourly. Nelle sits to Mark and the two of them slug back shots. Across from them, Renee and Ally discuss Larry's inability to say goodbye. Ally realizes that Vonda's singing that song that goes, "I know one thing about love." (No, I don't know the name of it, and I don't care, so don't whine about it on the forum unless you enjoy being ignored.) Larry knows that that's her theme song, Ally says. He must have requested this song as his goodbye note to her! Damn, how many theme songs does Ally have? Elaine runs up, just like in the conference room, and tells Ally that Larry's waiting in a car outside. Nelle says, "Great. He's leaving you skid marks. There's a note for you." She and Mark throw back another one and Ally stares at them in a put-upon way.
Outside, Larry explains that Sam was the one who wanted to say goodbye. Sam does so, and then rolls up his window so that Ally and Larry can "smooch." Larry sadly tells Ally to remember the horrible song he wrote for her, and not to forget him. They hug and squinch their faces up. Ally grabs Larry's tie as he pulls away. Then he escapes into the car and leaves her all sad with her hair in her face. After that, there's only one thing left for her to do: she walks down the sidewalk and experiences a flashback sequence while Larry and Vonda sing the song he wrote, which was actually written by master lyricist Bob Seger. Thanks again to the forum poster who pointed that out to me -- it meant so much. Ally reaches her apartment building and finds an elaborate snowman with a note attached to his chest. The note says, "I'll be back," and has a big happy face. Ally sits on the steps and laughs bittersweetly.
week: Taye Diggs joins the cast as Ling's ex and the newest tactless Fish & Cage lawyer. Also, one of the guys will "pop the question" for this very special Valentine's episode.