Get ready for the "most erotic Ally McBeal."
"Fire" is playing in the background as a car drives under a bridge, a skyline is seen, another skyline is seen, and then Ally is fellating her finger. Fish knocks her out of her daze to ask if he's disturbing her. She says no, but her hot-orange-and-white striped shirt under her gray blazer is disturbing me. Ling fingers her coffee cup and gives Ally deep, meaningful, lesbian-foreshadowing stares. Fish and Billy discuss their big case of the episode. "Our client is being sued for sexual harassment," Billy starts. "What did he do, breathe?" asks Fish. "It's a she." She's being sued by the other women in her office for being too sexual. "What?" asks the almost invisible Georgia. Billy prattles on about the woman contributing to a "sexually charged working environment" as Ling continues to stare at Ally until Ally pokes herself in the eye. Everyone is appropriately outraged about the case. Billy gets on his soapbox about how sexual harassment cases exist because women are lesser creatures and need to be protected by the law. Georgia shoots a few poison darts, but she doesn't need any computer generated images. John Cage is holding his cheeks up with his tie. Fish looks around. Ling continues to finger her cup and stare at Ally. Because both of the participants in the case are represented by the firm, Billy has asked Renee to take care of the woman's side in the case. Everyone leaves the meeting.
Ling shuts the door to Ally's office and stares at her. "Ling, what is going on?" Ally asks, while looking like a creamsicle on her way to Take Our Popsicles to Work Day. "Have you ever kissed a woman?" Ling asks. Ally says she's not falling for a trick. Ling says it isn't a trick and asks her again. Ally looks to the right and says, "No." She looks to the right again and says, "I haven't." She looks to the right again and says, "At least not for real." Her head wobbles on her shoulders and I worry about how much weight her tiny frame can hold up. Ling continues to stare. Ally looks to the right, eye rolls and says "Ling! What?" Ling tells Ally she considers her and the "funny little man" to be the resident experts on dreams and she wonders what Ally would tell her if she asked what it meant to dream of kissing another woman. Ally looks to the right for quite a while her mouth pops open and closed like a guppy before she says, "I, I, I don't know." She looks to the right and says, "I wouldn't necessarily make anything of it." She looks to the left and says, "I think it's probably a little normal." She looks to the right. "A little." Her finger floats past her nose.
In the interest of time I'm going to set forth an MBTV Ally Abbreviation. LTR: Looks to the right. LTL: Looks to the left. You'll thank me later.
Back to the "lesbian erotica." "Have you ever dreamt about it?" Ling asks. Ally closes her eyes for a while with her mouth gaping open and then does a tiny LTR before she says she doesn't really want to talk about it. Ling asks if it is because they aren't friends. Ally LTL's. LTR's and says "Well," LTL, "yes." She starts head-nodding as she says, "I like parts of you, Ling, I think you are...uh," LTR..."nice. But, but I wouldn't exactly say," she lifts her hand to her forehead and LTR, "that we are friends. Would you?" Ling says she guesses not and lowers her eyes so she doesn't have to see Ally complete another LTR, which she immediately does. Ling picks her head up and says, "Maybe we should work on that." Ally widens her eyes, LTL, LTR, "Well, uh, okay." "How 'bout we go to dinner," Ling smiles, "just the two of us." "Well," Ally says with a LTR, "sure." Ling is very happy about the upcoming "lesbian date." She leaves with her hips swinging. Ally does a final LTR as the opening credits begin to roll.
Let me say that I've never really watched Ally McBeal before, and I have a feeling I'm about to enter the hell that is Vonda Shepard.
Upbeat piano plays as we see different skylines, bridges and streets before we settle on Ally telling Renee that gay people love her. I don't see how anyone can love her in that orange stripey shirt, but whatever. "Gay women love you?" Renee coos, and she pushes her chest out. I check her cleavage for missing persons. Ally asserts that gay women are attracted to her. "Ling isn't gay," Renee says, holding her hand by her cleavage in case my attention was elsewhere for some reason. "Well," Ally starts with a quick LTR and a fake to the LTL with a mean LTR follow-up, "maybe she's bisexual, who knows?" Ally covers her eyes with her hands, I assume because she's getting dizzy. "I think she asked me out on a date," Ally says with her eyes pointed upward. Are her lines written on various walls around the studio? "And you said yes," Renee pouts. "Well, well, well," LTR, "I couldn't be sure," LTR, "that it was a date. She guised it in 'let's be friends,'" LTR, "but that's how gay women do it." LTR. "They send mixed signals." LTR. "I mean, say what you want about men," Long LTR, "but at least they're obvious." Renee tells Ally to calm down and that if anything were to come up Ally could just say no. Ally is too busy LTRing and fingering a pencil to listen to Renee. "As a general rule," she says, and then jolts with a LTR and asks where Whipper is. Renee tells her with a LTL she's out. Ally tells Renee that "as a general rule" the thought of kissing a woman "grosses [her] out. Ick." Ally tells Renee through six, count 'em, six LTRs that the thought of kissing certain women, however, doesn't gross her out, and that Ling happens to be one of those women. Renee tells her not to worry. Ally continues to worry, because she's Ally. "You're a perfectly normal dyke," Renee tells her, and I can hear David E. Kelley sniggering in the background. Ally gives her the 360 eye-roll. "Kidding," Renee says like she's six. Oh, that's her voice. Sorry. Ally's eyes go batshit as she asks Renee why she's so worried about what she's going to wear and why is this all affecting her so much. Renee pulls down her blazer to pump up her cleavage, cocks her head, glistens her eyes and says, "You're worried about what will happen if opportunity and curiosity collide." Ally holds her pencils like chopsticks and says (LTR) she's not going to kiss Ling. Renee leans in and floats her head back and forth while she sexes up Ally with, "You might have the slightest...itty-bitty little urge." Renee says she's about to go off to court. She pulls down her jacket/top thing to pop out Thing One and Thing Two and asks how she looks. Ally tells her she looks like she's about to go sing Karaoke. Renee LTR, smiles and says, "Great."
Street shot, piano music takes us to the We Need Something Between These Lesbian Scenes Courtroom plot. Dee Wallace Stone is asking the first witness about the woman being sued. The witness says that the woman parades around like a slut and makes sexual advances and things. Dee Wallace Stone asks, "Can you give us an example?" and the woman lowers her eyelids to answer and for a moment looks just like Cujo and I wonder if Dee will flip out and try and hit the witness over the head with a two-by-four. The Cujo witness also has the LTR problem as she lists off the things the accused does: innuendos, teasings, her dress. The woman in question is wearing a blue L.A. Confidential type outfit. Billy asks her if the woman has ever made advances towards any of the women. No. Is she graphic in her sex talks? No. When she tries to fix the girls up with other men, do they accept? Sometimes. Enough with the court babble! Bring on the serious girl-on-girl action! Renee "Baby Talk, Baby Talk, It's a Wonder You Can Walk" Radick asks the witness what's so wrong with the way she dresses. Miss Uptight Witness tells her that she dresses to accentuate her sexuality, and that pretty much makes her a hussy. Renee pulls down her jacket/top so that four of the "Leprechauns" fall out and go back to their mini-series hell. She asks if what she's wearing puts out a sexual vibe. Billy gives her the "watch it, girlie," look and the judge looks down so she doesn't have to peer into the land of Nod. "Well, a little," the witness says. Renee babies that if she went into her office right now dressed that way she'd be guilty of sexual harassment. The witness says she would if she dressed that way every day and constantly made remarks about her libido and how much she likes sex. Renee asks what she would say if she told her that she hasn't had sex in so long she forgot how it goes. The witness says she'd have trouble believing her. You go, girl. The strings and the oboe play the "Wah, wah, wah, waaaa," noise.
Street. Piano. Fish walks up the stairs to a mulling Ling. He asks his "little Rolaid" what's wrong. She asks if he's ever thought about kissing another man. He executes a quadruple spit take with his coffee because he's gay. Gay, gay, gay. He says that it's not funny. Because he's gay. And I don't care if in real life he's married with a kid. The man is gay. Ling comments that it disgusts him. "Of course it disgusts me," he says while wiping up the spill he just made from his coffee with his handkerchief just like any hetero man on the earth would do. Fish follows it up with the Seinfeldian "Not that there's anything wrong with that..." He says it would be totally disgusting to kiss one. He picks up his cappuccino with his pinkie extended, peers into it and says he can no longer look at the foam. He begins spooning out the foam while Ling worries that there's something wrong with her because she had a dream about two women kissing. He tells her that's fine, nothing wrong with that, and that he has those dreams all the time.
This begins the time-old discussion about why it's okay for a woman to kiss another woman, but not for a man to kiss another man. Fish begins this explanation, which seems to be just another FCC triumph for David E. Kelley: "Well, uh, in strict anthropological terms, mankind is all about the propagation of the species. Without procreation, uh, mankind would become extinct. To facilitate procreation the male species must become aroused. Watching two women take their tongues to each other arouses the male species which fosters the urge to procreate and accordingly insures the survival, uh, of the human race. To the contrary, watching two butt-pirates go at it could, uh, make a man go limp for a week. The species becomes threatened." Ling says she considers herself "pretty homophobic" but what he just said was "disgusting." He says she should blame him for anthropology. She says she's worried about dreaming lesbian thoughts and then acting on them. He says if she did he'd be there for her, watching, touching himself. She slaps him and says if she "turns gay" it'll be his loss. He tells her that she's never found her to be ambiguous about her sexuality. "Ambidextrous, maybe." She slaps him a few more times and his gay spoon flops around as he giggles about the whole thing because he's a gay man. Ling stomps off.
We immediately cut to a commercial about Stephanie Seymour discussing desire while showing us her Miracle Bra'ed boobies so that I am confused about whether I want a new bra or to stick my heterosexual face in her perfect, perfect boobies. Cut to a Sesame Street commercial so I feel both sexually confused and ashamed. I'm so sorry, Ernie and Bert. Wait. Aren't they...? We finish with a Jennifer Love Hewitt commercial which reinforces my non-girlie-kissing ways and I am back to being a straight girl just in time to get back to "haunting erotica."
Ling storms into Nelle's office to tell her she thinks she's "going gay." Nelle pretty much dismisses this whole train of thought and laughs that Ling thinks she's the only one with racy sexual fantasies. I don't have to type "LTR" or "LTL" in this scene because these are two talented actresses who know how to make eye contact and use their props appropriately. Ling gets Nelle to spill a secret fantasy of hers. Nelle confesses that she's always fantasized about being spanked. Ling is outraged. Nelle says she'd never act on it. She doesn't want to be victimized or dominated by men, but she read a book a long time ago called Spank the Maid and she's pretty much had that fantasy ever since. I know what you're going through, Nelle. Mine was Endless Love. Nelle says "titillating," so I know somewhere David called someone at FCC and asked, "Can she say, 'I love your tit?'" and they said no, so he cleverly disguised it in an adjective. Nelle tells Ling that it's not really so submissive because in certain circles "the bottom" is in control by saying how hard, when to stop..."Is there a newsletter?" Ling asks. Nelle tells Ling she'd never do it, since Ling is still making a squirmy face. But of course, she continues talking about how great it would be to be spanked so that John can walk up to the door in a classic Three's Company fashion and hear, "Spank me! Woom! Woom! Woom! Right on my white little bottom. Till it turns pink." John doesn't put his fist in his mouth like Lenny or Squiggy would, but you can see he wants to.
Street scene. Piano. Meanwhile in the Court of Sex (But the Girls Don't Want This Sex) plot the manager/boss guy is discussing his Catch-22: if he tells the floozy she can't wear what she wants to wear he gets sued by her. If he tells her she can wear what she wants he gets sued by the other ladies in his office. Poor guy. Must be hard. (Little pun.) (Oh, there's another.) Uptight Witness #2 says that "sex is in the air" when The Floozy is around. They ask her to explain and she tries but sums up with "sex is in the air," so I'll just restate her opinion as well. She compares the office to a singles bar. Renee asks UW#2 if she can dress to look her best every morning, why can't The Floozy? "I know the problem," she says. "Where do you draw the line?" Well, Renee draws her line from the center of her chest vertically to the base of her collarbone, but she doesn't tell Uptight Witness #2 that. At recess Billy tells The Floozy that when she takes the stand tomorrow it's important she doesn't come off as a sexual predator. "I won't," she sing-songs, and Renee's breasts walk over to Billy and then Renee enters the frame three seconds later. These things are screaming to be released from the push-up bra hell she's entangled them in. Can you hear the screaming of the boobs, Clarice? I can. Billy asks to steal Renee away for a second. She tries to point and gesture while talking to The Floozy, but her arm can only lift about three inches before it gets blocked by her mammaries, so she sort of arm flops in her direction. Billy tells Renee to tell The Floozy to tone down her dress and that Renee should probably do the same. "Excuse me?" Cindy Brady asks Greg. She LTRs to remember what her line was. Oh, yeah, "Don't you think that boo-goo-goo-gee-gah, gah, wooh...oh, Nay-Nay go boomie on floor!" Because Billy speaks goo, he knows that Renee just said that by changing her outfit The Floozy would be admitting she's, well, a floozy. He says that doesn't matter. They just need the jury on their side and as long as it looks like he's working with Vivian and Kit the jury isn't going to side with them. Renee gives him the crazy crooked eyebrow and they part without resolution. Renee gives the Mother of All Eye-Rolls.
Ling stops Ally and tells her she made dinner reservations for them. Ally stumble-stutters and LTR's for thirty seconds to say "Great." She LTL's and says, "I wouldn't kiss it -- MISS it." Richard walks over and calls Ling "Pringle" and she ices him off and walks away. He asks Ally what's going on and Ally has a freak-out because how should she know, she's not gay. John grabs Richard and tells him he's got a bit of an emergency. He tells Richard about the spanking. They wear big ties. Richard tells him to sit down with Nelle and spank her. John says it isn't funny. It's violent and he's not sexually adventurous. Richard tells him not to be so selfish, that he should be thinking about Nelle here. Maybe it's a cry for help, that she feels like a victim, needs some counselling. He tells John to sit down with Nelle and "spank her." John is about to give up when Richard confesses that Ling has been having "gay erotic dreams." They realize that they are not pleasing their women in bed. They pout and shake their heads in unison.
Get ready for the "most erotic Ally McBeal."
Night skyline. Sexy lesbian music. Ally is fingering her olives. She's wearing (I'm not kidding) an orange and pink striped fringy parka thing over a white tank top. Ling sips her martini. They look uncomfortably at each other. Ally babbles how her meal was excellent and she loves it when she goes out for food and it's excellent and isn't everything just excellent? She drums her fingers on the table until Ling reaches across the table and snatches Ally's hand. She confesses that the woman she was kissing in the dream was Ally. Ally's hand is moving Ling's up and down until Ling takes both hands with her other hand. Ling wears a dress with one sleeve, so when the other hand comes down it looks like three women's hands. Girl-on-girl-on-girl action, baby. Woo-hoo. Ally mutters, coughs, gasps and sighs. Ling tells her that she's always confronted her dreams to find out what they mean and now that she's sitting there looking at Ally -- her face gets a little nauseous as she says, "Letting my mind wander a little..." She reconfirmed that what she wants out of a relationship is a penis. "Oh, me too," Ally sighs. They resolve to go back to disliking each other. Ling notices a hockey team staring at them from "three o'clock." I want to tell Ling that we refer to that area as "LTL." I don't know how she knows it's a hockey team, since they are dressed in the latest Structure styles, but I'm willing to believe her. Ally and Ling decide to have "a little fun." Come on, you saw the previews, you know what's about to happen. They decide to pretend to be "two beautiful women...into each other." Ally is going to have to pretend more than Ling. Cue "Pretty Woman" on the disco speakers.
In a series of quick shots Ally and Ling dance real close. They touch each other's arms. They look intensely at each other. Well, Ling looks intense. Ally looks confused and out of place. Like when you're trying to be sexy and then you see that you've got pencil lead on the tip of your nose. The hockey team is sweating and looking like the men in Olivia Newton-John's Physical video. Ally's butt moves in a circle, but I only know that because I put the VCR on slow-motion. It looks like orange and pink fringe moving on its own. Ling moves her crotch near the rickety bones of Calista Flockheart, but knows that if she actually made any contact she might shatter one of Calista's hips. Ally grinds her ass into Ling's crotch. A woman walks over to Ally and Ling and stares at them. Ally gives her a "the more, the merrier" look but the woman just keeps staring. Ally strokes Ling's underarm. We see Ally's belly. Ling sucks on Ally's fingers. Ling pets Ally's neck. Ally sniffs Ling's hair. The woman staring holds her hand to her heart and squints as if to say, "Dear Lord, don't break that tiny woman." Ling and Ally almost kiss. The hockey team gets simultaneous erections. Ling and Ally almost kiss. Ling moves Ally from behind just like Car Wash Guy. Hands on crotch. A couple laughs. The hockey boys begin a circle jerk. Ling and Ally almost kiss. Hands on crotch. Ling leans into Ally's razor-sharp shoulder blade. Almost kiss. Crotch shot. By the way, how not-erotic is "Pretty Woman?"
Ally and Ling are walking in the street still giggling. "We were almost gay! How fun!" Ally is wearing some sort of leather jacket that just barely covers her fringe. Ling appears to be wearing the red tablecloth from the bar. They joke about how the woman at the dance floor was either going to ask them to leave or ask to join in. They arrive at Ally's place and have the "I had a really great time" foot-shuffle talk where you don't know if you're going to have your first kiss or not. Ling apologizes for making Ally nervous at first. Ally's lines are something like LTR, LTR, LTL, LTR, hand on forehead, "Hey, you, uh, wanna come in?" LTL, LTR, "We could make some prank phone calls." Ling declines the offer. "Richard's probably waiting to do my knee." Over the top LTR as Ally says, "Ah." They say goodbye as Ally LTR's and LTL's away. Ling starts to walk away, runs back and kisses Ally -- on the cheek. Just you wait, horny campers. The ultra-hot lesbian scenes are almost coming. Are you enjoying your November sweeps? Sad piano/oboe combo as Ling walks away, looks back, and continues to walk away.
Hey, a Get Real promo. In case you can't get enough eye-rolling.
John and Richard are looking at a spanking website. They are fascinated by the statistics of women who want secretly to be spanked. Stress on "secretly." They don't want to confront it, they just want it to happen. The surprise is part of the fantasy. They read a section about women brushing their hair in bed and leaving the hairbrush on the nightstand for a chance their lover would use it on them. John realizes that Nelle leaves her hairbrush on the nightstand all the time. He starts to worry because he just got his sexual steam back. They watch a quicktime spanking video.
Reel back from the Land of Foreshadowing to the Lame Sex plot where The Floozy is crossing her Naired legs and saying she doesn't proposition or date the men from work. She uses her sexuality for power. She gets things that she wouldn't normally get because she's not the sharpest tack in the supply closet. She's apparently had some Botox treatments because her Brown Sharpied eyebrows never move when she talks. Renee, on the other hand, has her eyebrows set on "vibrate." Dee Wallace Stone raises her eyebrows as if to say, "I had more fun when my son from Who's the Boss was dehydrating in the back of my car." The Floozy insists she'd never exploit her sexuality to victimize anybody. Cut to Billy giving Renee the talkin'-to. He's upset because their clients are linked and what she's doing with The Floozy hurts his client's chances of winning the case. They stop walking and stand on either side of a pillar representing the World's Largest Phallic Symbol. He tells her she should be ashamed of playing the "stupid sex-slut-power card like it's something to champion." He tells Renee her court strategy "has all the integrity of a lap dance." Renee wiggles back and forth like she has to pee and says, "Whaaat?" like she's Jackée. She tells Billy he doesn't like women being sexy. He doesn't like strong women and that's why he "ran from Ally." He knew she wouldn't listen to him tell her how to act and how to dress so he went out and found himself "a little Barbie doll wife." "Hey!" Billy screams as he lunges towards her. "Don't you ever attack my wife!" "I'll be happy to stick up for her," Renee counters. "How's this?" She puts on her best pre-puberty voice to say, "She's too good for you, you King Kong male chauvinist pig!" She tells him he's the worst kind as she pulls down her jacket/top and says he disguises himself as "pro-woman." He says his problem right now is his co-counsel strutting around her breasts "like they're two condos she's trying to sublet!" Some pig voice-overs squealing. Get it? "Some pig?" I kill me. Renee pulls down her jacket/top to pop out more cleavage like she's representing the Spice Girls.
Night skyline. Oboe and piano. Nelle puts on lipstick in the unisex. John enters and Nelle makes a date with him. She wants to cook him dinner. He stammers an agreement. She says she'll "whip up something" and of course we're supposed to laugh at the pun. I mean, let's face it, it's no "Some pig." Jeez. Nelle leaves and John is frozen in fear. Enter Elaine "My body is a sperm --" Vassal. He asks her to do that thing she did last week. She enthusiastically agrees and begins licking his ear, calling him a hot, hot biscuit and biting his ear lobe darn near off. She says she could fry an egg on him. She slams him into a stall door and begins giving him a hand job while talking about "sausage." Cue inappropriate walk-in: it's Chrissy, I mean, Georgia. She coughs and the guilty parties turn to her. "I'm his fluffer," Elaine explains. John stumbles and mumbles into a stall. It doesn't look like Georgia needs to go anymore.
Who's singing "Fire?" What's that noise? Night skyline. Night skyline. Night skyline. No, it's really not the Pointer Sisters. What is that noise? Baseball field. Night skyline. Ally is sitting at her desk smelling her fingers like Mary Katherine Gallagher. Someone shouts "Ally" and the music stops with some sort of "needle scratching on a record" noise that has me wondering if teens who watch this show know what that noise is supposed to represent. Ally wipes her nose and regains composure. Well, she's not sniffing her fingers anymore, anyway. Ling walks in and tells Ally she's all flustered again. Ally says no, she isn't. Ling takes off her sweater to reveal an orange tank-top that when her hair is down around her shoulders looks like she's completely naked. Ally says she's just hanging out, relaxing, and then Jack Trippers out of her chair. Ling has stood up so she now looks naked. Ally picks her chair back up. Ling asks why she's nervous. Ally confesses that she had a great time...stammer...stammer, LTR and Ling says that Ally wanted to kiss her last night. Ally says yes, no, yes, no, yes and then Ling interrupts with "You're not gay," and Ally says she's not even ashamed to admit she doesn't want to be gay. Ally gives a final LTL and says that she had an "urge" to kiss Ling that night. Naked Ling stands up and leans in slowly and asks, "Do you now?" I hear the zips of a thousand Levi 501s around the country. Ling walks over and shuts the office door and asks Ally to come out from behind her desk. Ally says she was just going that way anyway, tee hee and Ling says she was thinking about it, too. Cue the hushed lesbian voices. Ling tells Ally she talked to Nelle about it and Nelle said something about new friendships being arousing or something...Ling wasn't really paying attention. Ling's lips are getting smaller as Ally's lips are getting larger. Nelle said this would probably all go away if she really did kiss Ally. "Maybe we should," Ally says. "Kiss her! Kiss her! Kiss her!" come the screams of thousands of teenage boys. Ling asks what Ally thinks it would be like. "Soft." Someone starts playing "Fire" again, but the record wasn't damaged from that needle because there's no skipping. "Soft," Ling whispers, and leans in for the HOT HAUNTING LESBIAN EROTIC PORN. They hold for a second so they don't actually kiss until the song says, "Kiss." Ally holds Ling's hair as they kiss. There is tongue. Teeth touch. "That didn't suck," Ling says. "Not at all." "One more?" They lean in to kiss again as it fades to black so that thousands of boys and girls can run to the bathroom to finish what they started.
That Jetta car commercial with the repetitive beats starts reinforcing the masturbatory tone the entire evening has taken. Then Sarah Michelle Gellar comes on and ruins the whole thing. Jennifer Love Hewitt finishes the commercial break like a bucket of ice water in my lap.
Ally is whining to Renee about the kiss. After the second kiss Ling just walked out of the room. Billy rings the doorbell. He's not there about the hot girl-on-girl action but rather to talk to Renee. Renee babies so hard I have a hard time hearing what she says. Through all the whispering and the pursing of the lips I know she said something and then this Hitchcock/Bruckheimer music started up, so I guess she told him off but good. "Okay, what did I miss?" asks Ally. "Yeah, me too?" I ask.
Shot of pond. Strummy piano music. Exterior of a building. John and Fish are sitting on a couch sharing some breath spray. Neither got sweet loving the night before. Nelle just went to sleep and Ling has developed a callous on her knee. John decides to be the new "John Cage." There's a bad fart joke that I'm not going to share.
Back in The Floozy's Court, Dee Wallace Stone is giving her closing arguments. "Why should women have to work in that kind of climate, with men sniggering like schoolboys? Why should they have to go to an office every day to watch her strut around like some centerfold layout queen for the collective Neanderthal jolly? I was held hostage by a rabid Saint Bernard, people! I don't have to take this shit from you! I shot the hell out of that mangy mutt and I can do the same to each and every one of you!" It really doesn't matter what she said since she wasn't half-naked, licking her lips, sticking out her chest or trying to kiss another woman. She asks if it's such an imposition on this woman to ask her to dress a little more modestly. "No one asked me to put a shirt over my clinging wet tee-shirt when I was sweating to death in the back of my car when the rabid dog held me hostage, but if they had I gladly would have." Billy goes in for the kill by saying it's not the employer's fault the girl is sexy. He calls The Floozy "a woman who looks like that." I can't tell what The Floozy is thinking because the Botox has frozen her face in such a way it always looks like she's thinking, "Did I leave the iron on?" Renee gives a monologue straight out of A Chorus Line about going to a musical and seeing the powerful sexy woman sing some sort of piece that commanded the entire audience's attention. Yes, everything was beautiful at the ballet. The ballet! The ballet! The Floozy wonders if she remembered to take her keys out of her other purse. Renee says this woman had the gift of sex appeal and that she shouldn't be judged harshly for it. I would argue with Renee that if this woman was in a successful musical and was good at it, she probably had the gift of song, dance, acting ability, a director, costume designer, seamstress, lighting designer, stage manager, make-up person, composer, lyricist, playwright, musicians, supporting actors, a good audience, lights, microphones, good acoustics, a great dance partner and a wonderful vocal coach, but I couldn't stop staring at Renee's second pair of butt cheeks. Renee says that "some people" tell her she should be ashamed of the way she dresses. She says some people say using her sexuality sets the feminist movement backwards. "That's ridiculous," Renee says, and I guess rests on that because that's the end of the scene. What kind of argument is that? "That's ridiculous"? I'm guessing Renee didn't win too many L/D debates in high school.
That Jetta car commercial with the repetitive beats starts reinforcing the masturbatory tone the entire evening has taken. Then Sarah Michelle Gellar comes on and ruins the whole thing. Jennifer Love Hewitt finishes the commercial break like a bucket of ice water in my lap.
Ally is whining to Renee about the kiss. After the second kiss Ling just walked out of the room. Billy rings the doorbell. He's not there about the hot girl-on-girl action but rather to talk to Renee. Renee babies so hard I have a hard time hearing what she says. Through all the whispering and the pursing of the lips I know she said something and then this Hitchcock/Bruckheimer music started up, so I guess she told him off but good. "Okay, what did I miss?" asks Ally. "Yeah, me too?" I ask.
Shot of pond. Strummy piano music. Exterior of a building. John and Fish are sitting on a couch sharing some breath spray. Neither got sweet loving the night before. Nelle just went to sleep and Ling has developed a callous on her knee. John decides to be the new "John Cage." There's a bad fart joke that I'm not going to share.
Back in The Floozy's Court, Dee Wallace Stone is giving her closing arguments. "Why should women have to work in that kind of climate, with men sniggering like schoolboys? Why should they have to go to an office every day to watch her strut around like some centerfold layout queen for the collective Neanderthal jolly? I was held hostage by a rabid Saint Bernard, people! I don't have to take this shit from you! I shot the hell out of that mangy mutt and I can do the same to each and every one of you!" It really doesn't matter what she said since she wasn't half-naked, licking her lips, sticking out her chest or trying to kiss another woman. She asks if it's such an imposition on this woman to ask her to dress a little more modestly. "No one asked me to put a shirt over my clinging wet tee-shirt when I was sweating to death in the back of my car when the rabid dog held me hostage, but if they had I gladly would have." Billy goes in for the kill by saying it's not the employer's fault the girl is sexy. He calls The Floozy "a woman who looks like that." I can't tell what The Floozy is thinking because the Botox has frozen her face in such a way it always looks like she's thinking, "Did I leave the iron on?" Renee gives a monologue straight out of A Chorus Line about going to a musical and seeing the powerful sexy woman sing some sort of piece that commanded the entire audience's attention. Yes, everything was beautiful at the ballet. The ballet! The ballet! The Floozy wonders if she remembered to take her keys out of her other purse. Renee says this woman had the gift of sex appeal and that she shouldn't be judged harshly for it. I would argue with Renee that if this woman was in a successful musical and was good at it, she probably had the gift of song, dance, acting ability, a director, costume designer, seamstress, lighting designer, stage manager, make-up person, composer, lyricist, playwright, musicians, supporting actors, a good audience, lights, microphones, good acoustics, a great dance partner and a wonderful vocal coach, but I couldn't stop staring at Renee's second pair of butt cheeks. Renee says that "some people" tell her she should be ashamed of the way she dresses. She says some people say using her sexuality sets the feminist movement backwards. "That's ridiculous," Renee says, and I guess rests on that because that's the end of the scene. What kind of argument is that? "That's ridiculous"? I'm guessing Renee didn't win too many L/D debates in high school.