The first episode of the season starts with enough shots to establish that it's a warm day in Boston. Then we see a pair of black shoes, then slim black pants -- is that a strip of flesh? -- a red and white horizontally striped shirt....Weird. Why is Olive Oyl on the show? Oh, wait -- it's Ally McBeal. Her hair is more stringy than usual. I wonder why. From the look on her face -- she looks like an amnesiac under inquisition -- I'm guessing it has something to do with a man.
Ally gets to the office and only John is there. I'm going to ignore the fact that she has no purse and her jeans are too tight for keys to fit into the pockets. John follows her into her office and starts trying to find out why she's all wet. It seems that she was driving through an automated car wash when she shared "a look" with an undershirted car-wash employee. The "look" had something to do with knowing each other in a past life or waiting to meet each other in this one. Or something. Ally felt haunted. The Car Wash Guy, who looked like a young Robert Urich ["and was played by Jason 'Iron Eagle' Gedrick" -- Wing Chun], got into Ally's car and the two of them started "reading each others' fantasies." They kissed. Then they got out of the car and had sex in the car wash.
I swear that's what happened. That's how they started the show. Not only that, but there was a nauseatingly detailed flashback sequence. I don't want to be vulgar, but it is my job to recap this show for you, so I have to tell you that Ally wears a white tank top instead of a bra and she likes it from behind. I'm sorry, but you had to find out somehow. Just be glad, you who forgot to set your VCR, that you don't have the image of Ally's Sex Scene Face seared into your brain, like I do. That gaping black maw...the contorted lips under the razor-sharp nose...it was like something out of Hieronymous Bosch's sketchbook. I can't stop shuddering.
So Ally haltingly tells the story and then goes on to explain that they didn't "make love," they did that other word, that "vulgar verb." And that she wants to do it again. John somehow manages to seem fascinated instead of repulsed. His nose whistled. Ally makes a face as if she's taking a breath after struggling up through twenty feet of sewer water. Meanwhile, I'm trying to understand why, after having sex with a stranger in a car wash, a woman would walk to work and not to her own home or to the clinic. Maybe that's something you learn in law school.
In roll the credits with their zillion shots of Ally and two shots of everyone else. Why is Vonda Shepard still among them? What does she do besides sit behind a piano for five seconds per episode? Not to be shallow, but I notice Gil Bellows has less hair this season.
eToys wants me to believe that giving them my money will make me a good parent. I prefer to prove my love at Everything's a Dollar.
The commercials are over. Ally walks into the office wearing a jacket and what looks like the same undershirt from the car wash scene. Her hair is blonder than it used to be. Ling walks up and tells Ally that she's having a dinner party and that she wasn't planning on inviting Ally, but that she can make room if Ally's feelings are going to be hurt. Ally replies in a lamely sarcastic manner. She turns and is accosted by Richard, who has a job for her involving an important client's daughter and sensitive subject matter. He ushers her into a room with Reesa, played by Tracy Middendorf, who used to play Carrie on Days of Our Lives before it became Dark Shadows, and who was also in the episode of Beverly Hills where Brenda auditioned for Cat On a Hot Tin Roof. Tracy is a way, way better actress than Calista. Reesa is distraught. Ally brusquely questions her and finds out that Reesa is supposed to be married that weekend. However, Reesa's minister caught her having sex with a man other than her fiancé, and now he's refusing to perform the service. Ally doesn't know if she can sue a minister into marrying someone, but she'll see what she can do. Reesa is freaking out because she really wants to save her wedding and keep her family from finding out what she did. She's not a promiscuous person! Honest! She just did it as a bachelorette-party sort of thing!
Richard, Billy, Georgia, and John are discussing Reesa's business, which has just been blabbed to them by Ally. Georgia wants to know what kind of woman has an affair a week before her wedding. Richard points out that most women wait until after it. John starts to say that he is troubled by the recent rash of promiscuous women, and like a dummy, Ally says "JOHN!" and causes Richard to ask, "Is Ally having sex?" Ally tells him that she's NOT. Then she tries to look daggers at John with her eyes, but they have to express this with computer-generated imaging, because the best she can do is stare at him as if he's a strange bug she found on her sandwich. She goes off with Richard to court. John rubs his temples. Billy and Georgia exchange raised-eyebrow-and-smirk faces. I wonder why. I can see why Georgia would be glad; maybe Billy's just glad that his subplot with Ally is finally over.
Renee is in an ill-fitting, off-white, double-breasted jacket among a bunch of shelves and boxes in a small office. She unpacks books to the tune of a bittersweet clarinet. In walks the Whipper. The Whipper wants to be a partner in the law firm that Renee's starting. Renee is at first suspicious, then flattered. They have a contest to see who can use the softest, most girlish voice. So far I think Renee's winning, although the Whipper's constant smirking is quite persuasive.
Nelle is at the Unisex's mirror, fondling her hair, which seems extra-blonde to me. Maybe it's because her eyebrows are unusually black and weirdly drawn. I find it distracting. In walks John. She smiles. He says, "Nelle!" and does the tongue-click-with-hand-shaped-like-gun gesture thing.
She gets mad. She says his greeting bugs her and likens him to a sophomore at the junior prom. John just rolls his eyes as he enters a stall, and Nelle rolls her eyes in a bigger arc than his. Then it turns out that he doesn't even have to go anymore, he's so upset by her attitude. He leaves the Unisex and she makes a face of disgust that makes me wonder why she dates him. Oh, and can I just ask how gross it is to conduct one's love life in the office restroom? Oh, forget it. I've already figured it out.
Ally, Richard, and Reesa are before Judge Walsh. The judge is saying that he's not going to force a minister to perform a wedding ceremony and that Reesa's behavior was immoral. Richard gets up and tells the judge that immorality is what keeps ministers in business. He says that no one complains about men gathering that last "rosebud" before marriage and that this is gender discrimination and that he won't stand for it. He says that women love sex as long as they reserve the right to "sue you afterwards." Throughout his speech, Ally rubs at her lower lip and then sticks her index finger into her mouth. I'm thinking that this little habit is getting out of hand. His Honor repeats that he's not forcing a minister to perform a wedding ceremony. Richard calls His Honor a gender bigot and asks him to walk a mile in Reesa's diaphragm. Outside the courtroom, Richard is pleased with himself and tells Ally that he was "in The Zone." She whines at him for a while and then tells Reesa that they need to appeal to the minister that afternoon. The two of them run off. Richard says to a passerby, "I was in The Zone." The passerby tells him, "Good for you." I giggle like an anime character.
Those Gap kids just can't get enough and they want everyone in leather. I don't believe them, though, because if they really wanted that, they'd make clothes in my size.
We're back from the commercial break and we see John follow Ally into her office to confide in her. He says that the week before, when he was in Detroit, he called Nelle and she wanted to have phone sex. "Phone...sex?" Ally says, all goofy-like. John says that he was unable to do it and that since then he and Nelle haven't been able to "achieve much of a rhythm." There's a bigger problem, too. John has been unable to access "him." "God?" says Ally, all clueless. "No, not God. Barry White," says John all dead serious. Ally wants to know how she can help. John says that her car wash encounter has him fraught. He wants to know if women are really, truly able to fantasize about sex with no emotional attachment. "Could this conversation and subsequent episode motif be any more contrived?" I wonder. Ally indicates that sex without a cuddly relationship can be good. John throws his hands in the air.
Renee and the Whipper are interviewing a man named Daniel. Renee tells him to take off his shirt. He's all, "What?" She tells him to take off his shirt so they can see his chest and stomach. He's like, "Is that legal?" The Whipper says that it's illegal to REQUIRE him to take off his shirt, but that they won't do that. Then she sits on the table and explains that a law practice is all about attracting clients. She and Renee will "provide eye candy" for the men. Renee pipes up in her baby voice that it would be unfair not to have anything for the women. Yeah, that makes sense. I can see a bunch of law school graduates falling for that. Daniel is nonplussed. I notice they're showing a lot of shots of Renee sans the top of her head. You can't blame them, really. I'm not saying she should Aqua-Net herself a wall of bangs, but anything would be better than the flat, Gomez Addams crown thing she's got going on now.
Ally, Reesa, and -- for some reason -- John are appealing to the minister, who turns out to be the guy from My Favorite Martian. At first Rev. Martian won't budge, but then he's won over by Reesa's humiliating confession. She says that her fiancé, Joe, is smart and handsome, but terrible in bed. He's a sexual bungler and he doesn't know how to touch a woman. Reesa just wanted one last chance to get it on with a man who'd make her "feel something" before she spent the rest of her life being faithful to Joel, the Mutha Who Ain't Havin' No Skillz. Plus, she's not just asking to save face; she's also asking her favorite minister to unite her with the Lame-Ass Lover she loves. Aww!
So Rev. Martian says okay. Reesa jumps for joy, turns to Ally and says, "I know I've only known you for one day, but...."
...But here's Ally in a teal chiffon bridesmaid's dress, walking down the aisle. Hardy, har. She's rudely gesturing to guests not to photograph her. She grimaces and tugs at her gown like the mannerless egomaniac she is. She didn't even comb her hair for the occasion. She just impaled her head on a few rhinestoned bobby pins. Way to uglify a girl's big day, Ally! You go, you hopeless romantic, you! Richard and Ling are seated in one of the pews. Ling in her huge hat reads my mind and asks Richard why they're there. He says it's because Reesa is that daughter of an important client. Oh, okay. That's logical. Here comes Reesa down the aisle with her daddy. Her dress is really pretty. Ally's making one of her many spooky faces at the bride, and then she turns and sees the groom and it's -- guess who -- the guy from the car wash! Gasp! Ally doesn't just gasp, though. She screams. Of course she has to scream and act ridiculous and draw everyone's attention. Then, in that adorably befuddled way of hers, she explains that she had a tickle in her throat. Oh, that irrepressible Ally! That unsinkable Ally McBeal! Joel looks at her and rolls his eyes, right after I roll mine. Ally rolls hers and sighs.
Hey! There's a new search engine on the web that's exactly like all the others! Wow!
Reesa has made it to the altar. Ling's hat is in Richard's face. Joel looks at Ally and winks. Ally's mouth is transformed, through the magic of 3D Studio, into the mouth of a snarling dog. Her teeth look pretty white all of a sudden, too.
We're treated to a musical montage ("Walking on the Sun") in which Renee and the Whipper act like each almost-attractive job candidate is a Chippendale's dancer. Renee is wearing a red off-the-shoulder peasant blouse. Whipper's in a fuzzy pink turtleneck. Well, okay...some of the guys are cute. For a little hilarity hijinx, we get a shot of an overweight gentleman, from the nipples up to the numbly horrified look on his face. The Whipper waves bye-bye to him. This is the part where we ladies are supposed to hoot, "Woo! That David E. Kelley sure knows what women want! YOU SHOW 'EM, GIRLFRIEND!" and then we're supposed to be overcome by emotion and start kissing each other in a sudden, temporary, lipstick-lesbian-ish frenzy. Woo! David E. Kelley must be from Venus, too!
While Joel states his vows, Ally experiences a COMPLETELY unnecessary flashback to their car wash copulation. Then we get a couple of super-close close-ups of Ally's eye and the minister's and Joel's mouths. Then I yell, "Okay, we get it! Joel's vows are a sham! WE GET IT ALREADY!" When the minister asks if anyone objects to this marriage, we get an echo, a telltale heartbeat, a spooky violin, and a million reaction shots of everyone in the whole church. You KNOW who raises her hand and bellows "NO-O-O-O!" right? Of course it's Ally. The congregation gasps. Ling says, "Oh. My. God!" with an extra twist on the "God" part so it's not exACTLY like the way they always say it on Friends. After a bunch of blah-blahing, the minister asks her to whisper her reason to him. She leans towards him and says, "A week ago..." Everyone in the church leans forward to hear, their pews creaking. Ally leans closer and "...I had sex with the groom last week" is picked up by the minister's mike and boomed all over the church. D'oh! Everyone trips out. I cackle like an old hen. Reesa's mad, the minister's freaked, and Joel stands there like Robert Urich's wooden dummy. Ally tries to stammer out an excuse. Ling tells Richard that this is the best wedding she's ever been to. The minister tells everyone to stay seated while they take a short break.
In a room or antechamber somewhere in the vicinity of the church, Ally stands with her hands over here ears and her eyes squeezed shut while the parents of the bride and groom yell at her. Reesa's yelling, too. Joel's just standing around some more. I'm thinking, "He's allegedly smart and he's supposed to be handsome, but he's lame in bed, and HE WORKS AT A CAR WASH? The hell?" because certainly, as the attractive daughter of a rich man, Reesa can do better. Or so I imagine. Rev. Martian yells at everyone to shut up and then Ally apologizes. She says that it happened at a car wash and that she'd never seen Joel before. Rev. Martian's like, "Slut much?" Joel doesn't deny what she says. He takes Reesa out of the room to speak to her alone.
In Nelle's office, John is saying that the trouble started with some study about women being attracted to different kinds of men when they're ovulating. He says that three weeks out of the month, they want to date good providers, but during ovulation they want virile he-men. Or something. Nelle's like, "The hell?" John says that everyone knows what category he falls into and that when you add to that the recent débacle over the phone sex, the case of the promiscuous bride, and Ally at the car wash...Nelle cuts him off and asks what's going on. He starts saying that he knows women have sexual fantasies but it's the idea that they might act on them that troubles him. Nelle's like, "Oh, but it's okay for men?" and John's like "That's different" and blah, blah, men are from Mars and have to live in their caves, and then we hear Elaine laughing her butt off outside the door. John runs her off and then eventually makes his point. He doesn't want Nelle fantasizing about other men. "You want to regulate my thoughts?" Nelle asks. "No. I want YOU to regulate them," clarifies John. Nelle is flabbergasted. She tells John to just go away. Word! The clarinet plays as John slams her door.
Ally, Richard, and Ling are in another one of the church's many rooms. Richard wants to know why Ally couldn't just keep her big mouth shut. He says, "If you wanna go around fornicating in car washes, fine, but this is the daughter of our biggest client. Why ruin her wedding?" He addresses the subject of double standards. Ally has no comprehensible answer. He turns to his "kumquat" and asks her to help him out. Ling reads my mind again and says, "She perhaps felt upstaged by the bride and this was a way to make it about her." Ally takes offense and carps about how hard it was to speak up and make everyone in the church think of her as a tramp (in addition to a grouchy, unkempt bridesmaid.) She claims that she can tell that Joel is marrying Reesa for her money. Richard asks if she's sticking up for Reesa or punishing Joe. A guitar plays and Ally admits that she doesn't know. I really like Richard's tie.
If I stay up until midnight and then visit iVillage.com, I will be fulfilled as a woman. It's too bad, because that's when I play bingo online.
Back in the church's impromptu waiting room, Ling is expressing admiration for Ally -- a woman who identifies a fantasy and then experiences it. Ally thanks her. Ling adds that in Ancient China, Ally would've had her head cut off. Rev. Martian walks in and announces that the wedding's back on. He tells Ally that Reesa doesn't want her for a bridesmaid anymore. Instead of telling her to get the hell out of his church, he foolishly allows her to sit with the other guests.
If you can't figure out what's gonna happen , you should be ashamed.
The hot and tired congregation boos Ally as she takes her seat. Richard and Ling are smiling broadly. The organist plays a tiny bit from Phantom of the Opera, or whatever score that spooky music comes from. Ally pouts and sits her butt down.
John is at the Unisex mirror, trying to get it together with his inner Barry White soundtrack. It isn't working. Elaine comes in and tells him that she couldn't help overhearing...that it seems she can never help it...and she puts her finger to her mouth in a way that is somehow not as mind-bogglingly annoying as it is when Ally does it. She tells him he's wrong to think that men like him can't be in women's fantasies. She moves very close to him, telling him that the sex is within. Then she whips around, giving him a face full of hair, and says that even though she's not the most beautiful woman, she oozes sex. John agrees. She says that he has to let it be within him, too. He reveals that he no longer feels the essence of Barry. Elaine suggests that Barry is jealous. "Say what?" says John's face. Elaine tells John that all the women in the office want to be with him because he's a hot little biscuit. He's amazed, and she says it's a good thing he doesn't realize the effect he has on them, because their lives would be ruined if he ever became a predator. John turns to the mirror and mulls it over. Elaine gets behind him and starts FEELING HIM UP. I swear, she did! She runs her hands down his chest, and then somewhere under the bottom edge of my TV screen. John's soundtrack speeds up. "I can feel him coming!" says Elaine. She and John dance in front of the mirror. I have to laugh. Elaine tells him to go back to Nelle. She says that if Nelle tells him to go away, he is to come back to Elaine. John does the finger-gun click at her and she moans.
Reesa's doing her wedding vows again. Ally flashes back to the car wash aGAIN. She jumps up and asks if she can speak to Reesa. Everyone yells, "NO!" She drags Reesa to the back room, anyway. In a long, drawn-out dialogue filled with um's and stutters, Ally reveals to Reesa that Joel is an "incredible" lover. She says it enough times to totally rub Reesa's face in it. Then she says that he must be an experienced womanizer marrying Reesa for her money, and as Reesa's lawyer -- as her bridesmaid -- Ally just couldn't see her get hurt. Sad guitar music plays us into the close-up of Reesa's disillusioned face. She stumbles over her gown, then goes to tell everyone that the wedding is off. Then she cries and runs out as Richard and Ling crank on their cell phones.
Get ready for the dumbest part of the whole hour.
Joel walks up to Ally and says, "Who do you think you are?" Ally brilliantly replies, "I don't know. And I don't know who you are, but I certainly know that you're capable of fooling women." "I didn't owe you any honesty," puzzled Joel mutters. "No, I guess you didn't. But as for the woman in the white dress, you haven't really been honest with her, have you, Joel?" sage Ally retorts. "Whatever!" says weary Gwen.
The guests yell at Ally -- who is wrapped in a blue sheet or something -- some more as she follows Richard and Ling out to their car. Richard opens the front passenger door and Ally starts to get in, but Ling gets in ahead of her and Ally is so totally busted and sad. Vonda's singing that Venus song and we see the cityscape at night. Then we see Vonda herself for the requisite five seconds. Then we see the table that must be continually reserved for Cage-Fish and associates. Georgia's saying, "So, that was it?" Ally says that it was. She's trying to be wry and says, "Ally McBeal: Professional Homewrecker. Here's my card." Georgia goes, "I already have it." HA! But instead of being ashamed, Ally just smiles as if Georgia is truly kidding and has no reason to hate her fricking guts. Ally goes on to lord her virtue over Ling and Richard and everyone. Mercifully, the Whipper shows up and confirms that she's quit being a judge in order to practice with Renee. Everyone applauds. Ling is suddenly hanging all over Richard. (Richard and the Whipper used to date.) Richard remarks that he's surrounded by "all this wattle." Georgia takes off while telling Ally, "Love your dress." Ally tries to get up and busts her butt on the floor. Richard gets up to dance with Whipper and Ling becomes his barnacle, telling Whipper, "You're too old for this bar!" The Whipper misses an incredibly opportunity for cattiness, merely replying, "Is that so, L-li-i-ing?" as she leads Richard to the dance floor. "Fighting over me -- love it!" says Richard. He dances and Ling fumes.
Fade into Barry White. John emerges from rice-papered doors into a bedroom, where Nelle's waiting and reading Blazer Creeping. She looks up at John and smiles. Barry White says, "I'm not goin' nowhere. I've got staying power." John turns off the lamps, lights a candle. Nelle takes off her glasses. John takes off his black silk robe. He starts to pull of his white undershirt (What? Another one?) but then rips it off instead. Nelle quivers with desire. John leans over to kiss her, but suddenly SHE'S BARRY WHITE! John's nose whistles. He tells Nelle she looks a little different. She says she's glad he's there. He says "me too," and kisses Barry White.
Vonda sings "There Are No Mistakes in Love." Renee paints her own name on her new office door. Ally is walking down the sidewalk, like she loves to do. A couple gets her to take their picture, then they take hers. She gives them her card, then dances into the street.
Last we see Reesa's hips and breasts. Oh, no, wait...there's more. Zoom out and we see Reesa Ally-McBealing down her own sidewalk with glistening eyes. Sniff! You go, girl! Go find your TRUE love! Someone get this woman a theme song! I really do like her dress, though.
The end.
According to the previews, week's episode will feature "some of the most hauntingly erotic sequences ever filmed for TV." It looks to me more like "some of the most densely-packed lesbian fantasies of a straight guy ever to be paid for by homophobic sponsors." I didn't realize that it was sweeps week already. I feel bad for Lucy Liu, seeing how she had to touch Calista Flockhart's almost-nether regions for this episode. I bet she's talking to her lawyers about a contract change right about now.