Previously on Alias: I didn't want to give the show an F and then erase my memory with a hefty dose of PCP and a grain alcohol chaser. No, really. Okay, okay, there was a (sort of ) dead guy in a (fake) niridium-powered chamber and we all think it's Rambaldi and there was a hot French chick and then some new hot guy named Getty and I was so drunk by the end of the recap that I actually saw my liver leave my body, pack a bag, and call a taxi for the airport. I'm sorry. It was the only way to KILL THE PAIN.
Just FYI, the previouslys on this episode go as far back as Nadia getting infected and Sloane explaining to Jack that Nadia is infected, and in case you wondering, Nadia is infected and there is no cure but if there were one, Sloane would totally go get it, even if it meant ditching Dixon, and if you honestly thinking Mia Maestro is coming back, like, ever, I have some property in a lovely turd-infested bog at the end of Hellfire Lane I'm sure you'd be interested in purchasing.
Istanbul. I'd like to make a funny comment about that location, but I don't care enough to try. We're in a lab with some mice and a couple of scientists in bio-gear. Outside the lab, a woman dressed head-to-toe in black with a hood hiding her face walks up to the security door and buzzes in, telling the guard at the desk that she's there to see Ramal because their son is sick. The guard lets her in. She quickly shoots him dead and removes her hood as she walks toward the lab. The scientists are too busy pretending to give a shit about the fake compound they're working with to notice her hacking into the security lock on the door.
She enters and orders the scientists to get up against the wall. She steals a couple of vials, and one of the scientists tells her to be careful with the third. She just says she only needs two and then flings the vial into the air and exits before it hits the floor. She effectively locks the two scientists inside the lab with what I'm assuming is a rather dangerous bio-weapon. Well, now, that's not very nice, is it? After she exits, we're treated to a shot of the scientists, now dead and with masks full of blood. Pleasant.
Barbie Penthouse. Syd's going through the mail and she comes across an issue of Hockey Trends magazine with Vaughn's name and address on the front. For those of you collecting 47s, the ID number on the label is ##. And since when did Michael start getting his mail delivered to Sydney's place? Last time I checked, they were dating and then engaged and then they were going to Santa Barbara and then "I'm not Michael Vaughn" and then WHAM! and how did he find time to forward his mail to the Barbie Penthouse? Bullshit: 1, Continuity: 0. Syd calls customer service at the magazine and there's this far too long scene of Sydney canceling the subscription and then she goes to throw it out and the SpyFetus is all, "Nooooo! Not Hockey Trends! I love that rag!" So Syd takes it out and puts it in drawer for safekeeping.
“ Getty just looks at her like, 'Oh, bitch, please. I have this Totally Intense facial expression on loan from the Charlie Sheen Memorial Acting Museum and I have to get it back by five; can we just get to Prague already?' ”
Apple Store. Marshall's yammering something about how a pen pal of his in Istanbul forwarded something about the lab break-in. The vials contained a nerve agent called "Substance 33." I don't think I'm being too harsh here when I say that the writers have definitely been slacking in the naming department. It started with The Covenant and has never quite gotten back on track. Prophet Five? Substance 33? The Shed? The fuck? Whatever. I don't care enough to get angry. Substance 33 is deadly (of course) and all Marshall knows about the lab techs is that they were working independently. Getty trills out a stream of information about Gordo Dean and how he's a ghost and everything, and for some reason, Syd, Jack, and Marshall all look amazed that Getty's managed to remember all of this intel, like, it's not like he's A SECRET AGENT OR ANYTHING. Getty has a nice "no bullshit" verbal delivery, by the way, that vaguely suggests a young Jack.
Marshall correctly supposes that the substance thief was working with a hacker on the outside, and states that the hacker was using the same computer as the computer used to hack into the NSA a few months back. Since they know the NSA hack was ordered by Dean, it only stands to reason that this lab theft was also ordered by him. Marshall traced the computer to Prague, and if he goes there, he can narrow the trace down to within two feet and they can nail the hacker and grab the substance. Yes, it's about as interesting as watching polish dry on the nails of a poodle.
Syd mentions that if they nab the hacker, they'll lose Dean. No, I don't really know why. Jack wants Getty and Syd to accompany Marshall to Prague and locate Dean's office without making their presence known. Syd gets a look on her face that's like, "The hell? I hate this guy. Let him reorganize the dead files or something. He smells. Why can't Dixon go with me?" Getty just looks at her like, "Oh, bitch, please. I have this Totally Intense facial expression on loan from the Charlie Sheen Memorial Acting Museum and I have to get it back by five; can we just get to Prague already?" Jack just tells his daughter to suck it up and deal, and leaves. Getty smirks at Syd like, ha! Nice try, PREGGERS.
Syd, of course, is not only pregnant, she's also incredibly unprofessional, as evidenced by the fact that she goes running after her daddy in an attempt to cajole him into dropping Getty from the trip. The scene basically goes something like this: "I want Dixon." "You can't have him." "I want him." "No." "Please?" "No." "DADDY!" "No." "But whyeeeeeee??" "Because Dixon's taking Sloane on a trip to go pick up an antidote that will cease to exist because Mia Maestro is no longer a cast member and he can't be in two places at once, that's why. Now go get me a gin and tonic and the TV Guide." I mean, it's not like Jack is her BOSS or anything.
So Sloane has cultivated a lead on a cure for Nadia, and this person is demanding to meet him face-to-face in Russia. Sloane's being released for seventy-two hours and Dix is going with him. Syd then says she'd prefer going to Prague with Marshall by herself. Jack is like, "Dude? DROP IT. You're going with Getty AND Marshall and that's final and what'd I say about the gin and tonic? It's cocktail hour somewhere, goddammit!" Syd says she read Getty's file, and in the last three years he's turned down a dozen team assignments. She identifies him as a loner and not a team player. She doesn't mention anything about the potentially mysterious information that Jack apparently came across when he first looked at Getty's file. Jack's pretty much had it with Syd at this point, and he basically tells her to stow it, and Marshall and Getty show up and say they're ready to go to Prague. In other words, shut the fuck up, Sydney.
And now is the time on Alias when we just crawl under the covers and hope the final episode of the season (and possibly the show in general) wraps everything up nicely and neatly and that Vaughn comes back and he and Sydney drive off into the clouds in their convertible T-Bird while all the other kids sing and wave.
Sloane's Cell of Convenience. Dix and Sloane are discussing Sloane's contact, Dolshenko, who was an under secretary in some bureau. Sloane's worked with him for the past ten years. Dolshenko is claiming that the Russians killed all but a few survivors of the Clifford the Big Red Ball incident and now they're pursuing cures. Honestly, considering how this entire subplot turns out, this scene is fairly unnecessary. Just know that Sloane is meeting Dolshenko in Russia, Dix thinks it might be a trap, Sloane doesn't agree, he's giving Dolshenko $300,000, and Dix is going to make sure that Sloane returns to his cell; when they're in the field, Sloane is to follow Dixon's instructions, no matter what. Andscene.
Prague. We're at the Au Bon Pain on Monroe Street in Chicago (what? That's what it looks like) and Syd, Getty, and Marshall are watching the building. Marshall says the hacker is inside the Au Bon Pain because he's getting a signal reading from the Wi-Fi Hotspot inside. Or something. Yawn. Marshall glues a microprocessor to the bottom of a tin of mints and if someone gets it within five feet of the hacker, it'll allow Marshall to clone the hard drive. Even better, the mints contain a tracking device, so if they offer the hacker one, they'll be able to locate him no matter where he goes.