Previously on Alias: Vaughn died. Yeah, some other shit happened, but who really cares?
Oh, fine. Vaughn told us his name was really Andr Michaux and that his dad changed their name to Vaughn back in the old days because they were in danger of being killed because Daddy Michaux was secretly involved with some stupid Rambaldi-esque project called Prophet Five, and it was some genetic experiment or some such shit, and Vaughn and Syd stole the actual Prophet Five book or something and then Syd discovered she was pregnant and she wanted to name the baby "Phlebitis" or "Coccyx" or something equally lame, and Vaughn went to deliver the Prophet Five book to some dude who doesn't matter because he's dead now and Vaughn got shot a quadrillion times and survived and then died and Michael Vartan laughed and laughed and laughed and then Sydney went off to London to look for lodie Bouchez and I fell off my chair and whacked my head against the hardwood floor for about three hours because that was more fun than actually watching the episode itself.
Happy now?
We pick up precisely where we left off, with Syd at a seedy London pub and lodie wearing a hideous red fright wig that really does nothing for her Gallic complexion. It's four months after Vaughn's death. lodie (I refuse to call her "Rene Rienne" because that's the dumbest name I've ever heard) tells Syd that it's no accident Syd found her in that pub because the people who killed Vaughn own the place. She says that there's an operation center in the back that she hasn't been able to gain access to yet, but judging by the way some paunchy guy in the corner is staring at them, Syd just blew her cover. Actually, I think it's Syd's terrifying Betty Boop wig that's blown her cover, but whatever.
lodie tells Syd to walk out. Syd's all, what, and leave you and your wig to get all the attention? I don't think so. lodie says that she didn't spend three months in the place just to walk out the door empty-handed. She's going to head to the back and access the organization's servers in order to get a window into their operation. Syd says she's coming with her. lodie grabs her gun and hides it with a bar towel. They make their way to the back.
At the door to the back room, lodie weakly threatens the guard there and he's all, "Oi! Sexy! I'm being threatened by a waif and a pregnant chick, eh?" lodie kicks his ass, and Syd slaps his hand on the code panel to the door to gain access. The dudes inside shoot first and don't bother asking questions and lodie wisely puts the "Oi!" guard in front of her so he gets shot. One of the dudes inside hits a BIG RED BUTTON (because, really, shouldn't every secret lair have a BIG RED BUTTON?) and an alarm goes off and lodie starts shooting everything within a three-foot radius. She and Syd attempt to access the computers, but Syd and her disastrous cowhide-patterned muumuu top inform lodie that the data's being destroyed. They can't stop it. Much the same way I can't stop drinking every alcoholic beverage ever created in South Carolina RIGHT THIS MINUTE.
Paunchy Dude from the pub shows up with his gun and starts shooting. lodie takes him out with one shot and tells Syd that it's no use, they'd better run. Syd smartly breaks open a large computer chassis and rips out the hard drive. They run down to what looks like a basement. Syd declares that the data on the hard drive should still be intact. lodie declares that it's probably encrypted. Syd says that her genius on tap, Marshall, can easily decrypt it. It should be noted that they are having this rather leisurely conversation DIRECTLY BENEATH THE PUB THEY JUST BUSTED THROUGH. Sigh. lodie finally removes her bad wig and reveals a lovely sheaf of smooth brown hair. An improvement, I'd say. Syd keeps her wig on because she knows how much I like to laugh at ugly hairdos.
She pulls out a cell phone and says that it's a secure line and she wants lodie to take it so they can maintain direct contact with each other. lodie doesn't want it, preferring to work alone and off the radar. She's worried that Syd's bringing the hard drive back to the CIA. Syd says she doesn't work for the CIA; she works for an off-the-books division. lodie doesn't give a damn because she doesn't know them. Syd says she does and that lodie can trust them. "Who says I trust you?" snits lodie. Syd kind of sighs in an exasperated way and is all, yeaaaaah. Good point. "What did Michael tell you about me?" asks lodie. "Not much," says Syd. "Just that you'd been working with him for years and that you were the one who told him about Prophet Five."
Syd goes on to say that she understands why lodie is reluctant; I mean, she IS number eight on the CIA's most wanted list, but she has to understand that these people killed Syd's fianc, the father of her child, and she's going to enlist every available resource to immobilize the bitches who took her honey away. "If this means this is the last time we see each other," says Syd, "then that is fine by me. Justtell me how you wanna do it." lodie just regards Syd carefully and then says, "Number eight? I'm slipping. Used to be number six." Heh. I like her already. I think Syd does too, because she kind of smirks at lodie's comment. "You're just like Michael said you were," says lodie. "Fine. Do it your way. Gimme the phone." Syd hands over the phone and says, "You called him 'Michael.'" lodie gives Syd a kind of sexy look, says, "Yeah," and then turns to walk away, knowing the full effect her comment has had. "Don't worry," she says, walking off, "he was crazy about you." Yeah, but he still would have hated her wig.
Central Office of Spy Baby Sonograms. This might have been the moment that I officially checked out of this episode. Syd's at her OB/GYN, getting a baby check up. Through some expository gynecological dialogue, we learn that Syd's already through her morning sickness and her energy's back and the doc tells her that's normal for the second trimester. Blah blah blah, how was your trip, bling blam blooey, I had to meet with one of my fianc's old friends, whip whap whammo, are you keeping active, ding dang dong, if by "active" you mean "breaking into enemy territory and shooting people" then yes, I've been active. It's honestly a really boring scene and the only time I got interested was when the doc started the sonogram and I totally thought she was going to say, "I thought you were in your second trimester" And I thought Syd was going to say, "Yeah?" And the doc was going to say, "Um, I don't know how to tell you this, but the fetus isTHE SIZE OF A FOUR-YEAR-OLD." I honestly thought it was going to be a Geena Davis The Fly moment. Now THAT would have rocked.
“ We're not eating paste over here, goddammit. We know that niridium doesn't really exist and we know what the HELL happens when a door opens up on an airborne plane. Try to keep up, okay? ”
Weiss yells out to no one in particular that he's going to the cockpit. Syd, back down with DMG, picks up his gun and aims it at his head. In the cockpit, Weiss pulls the dead pilot off the controls as Dix slides in to take command of the plane. Back with Syd and DMG, there's more pointing of the gun from her and more glowering from him. Back in the cockpit, Dix easily guides the plane back into line as Syd, back with DMG, gains a more solid ground with her aim. "What're you waiting for?" asks DMG. Instead of shooting him, Syd orders him to turn around on his knees so she can take him in. Oh, Syd. Don't you know that you don't know what you're dealing with and that he'd rather die than tell you what he knows? Did our time together in the Amstel Light Warehouse of Useless Interrogation Scenes mean NOTHING to you?
DMG says that she might as well kill him because he won't survive the night in custody. Syd says that if he's willing to cooperate, they can protect him. "No," he says, "you have NO IDEA." In case you weren't clear here, Syd has NO IDEA what she's dealing with. "These people" says DMG. "Who?" asks Syd. DMG answers her by pulling a switch on the ceiling and blowing the cargo door off. He flings out into the sky as Syd watches, barely hanging onto one of the cargo straps. Yeah. This would have worked really well if Syd hadn't already shown us what happens when a plane cabin gets depressurized.
II justam I alone in thinking that as farfetched as this show tends to be, this episode in particular seems to think we're all a bunch of staple-chewing morons? Like, work WITHIN reality, writers! And for god's sake, don't repeat yourself in situations we can all bust you on by watching episodes! We're not eating paste over here, goddammit. We know that niridium doesn't really exist and we know what the HELL happens when a door opens up on an airborne plane. Try to keep up, okay?
Jack's Office of Oh, Whatever The Hell. Jack is saying that the (fake) niridium wasn't being used as an explosive; rather, it was being used to power a cryogenic chamber. Syd is all, the hell? Weiss is all, the hell? Marshall is all, totally, dude! But usually, cryogenic chambers are powered by liquid nitrogen. This one was -gen cryogenic preservation. Whoever this person was or is, they probably died of a terminal illness and they're using this container to preserve the corpse until a treatment can be found. "Of course, the notion that anyone can actually be revived," says Marshall, "is complete fiction. Believe me, I've tried." Ohhhh-kaaaay. Does anyone want to know what corpses Marshall's attempted to revive? Yeah. Me neither.
Syd wants to know if they've identified the body. Jack says that they haven't yet and that the container is in DSR custody. Oh, for god's sake. Does ANYTHING in DSR custody ever actually STAY in DSR custody? Can't they just put it in the hall with the Ark of the Covenant where everything else that has to stay lost goes? Jack says that they'll just have to wait for the reports from the DSR on any evidence from the plane and any indication as to who the body is. Dix, Weiss, and Marshall all seem to accept this as gospel and leave.
Jack looks down at his daughter, whose furrowed brow suggests a remaining problem. "Sydney," he says, moving around his desk to sit in front of her. "We lost our only lead on Gordon Dean," she says. "I'm not sure if I can do this, Dad." Jack's face is concerned. "We'll get another lead," he says, totally missing the point. "It's not that," says Syd. "It's everything. It'sit's hard being without him. I saw the baby's heartbeat for the first time the other day. I was by myself." She starts to cry a bit. "It's not fair. He should've been there." Jack kind of looks at a loss as to what to say, but then he expels a bit of breath and goes, "I -- I'm here." He shrugs a little, indicating that he can only do what he can do. "How can I help?" he asks sincerely. And the teeny tears that spring to my eyes would suggest that I actually still care about this show.
Syd looks at her father. "My doctor's appointment is in a few weekswould you go with me?" "Sweetheart," he says, "of course I will." She's as surprised as I am, and Victor Garber tweaks his smile in this way that makes us all feel how pleased Spy Daddy is to be asked to participate in his daughter's life in whatever way she'll let him. ["Oh my God. Spy Daddy the Lamaze coach? Hee." -- Sars] Syd lets out a big breath and Jack says, "Sydney, you're gonna be okay." "Yeah," she says, not really believing it. "Yeah." And it's moments like these that make me go, this show, she does rock.
And so we move from the rocking moment to the meh moment, as Getty walks through the secret Apple Store entrance and looks as confused and disoriented as Syd did the first time she entered the place. He's escorted into the office area by some random dude and he throws his bag down onto Vaughn's desk. Weiss walks in and sees this. He can't have anyone parking it on his non-gay platonic boyfriend's desk, so he walks over and introduces himself. "Uhahuhlisten," says Weiss, "this desk isn't exactly an ideal location for you." Weiss goes on to make excuses like it's right under an air conditioning vent, it's built for a taller, more attractive man, it's got a slot for hockey skates built into the side, it's designed for someone who actually batheset cetera. Getty, in a rather lovely moment, just scratches his nose and looks at Weiss. "Yeah, I get it. The guy I'm replacing. He sat here." Weiss, who doesn't really know how to deal with someone this direct, just offers up his own desk for Getty to take over. He's leaving anyway, after all. Getty zips up his bag and moves over to Weiss's desk as Weiss says, "You know, these are really good people here." "Yeah," says Getty, not believing it and, really, not caring.
Just then, Syd walks up and hugs Weiss. "I'll see you soon enough," says Syd. "God knows I have enough frequent flier miles." "You're lying," says Weiss. "But I appreciate that." Hee. Weiss starts talking about humidity in D.C. which, yeah, talk to me about it when you live in the Carolinas, bitch, and Dix walks up and says he just got off the phone with the DSR. There was a breach at their holding facility (shocker) and the body was taken (oh, right). Dix says that they'd better notify Jack, and he and Syd take off, leaving Weiss to look after them sadly.
In a random location somewhere, a cell phone rings. lodie walks up and answers it. Syd's on the other end. lodie says she got Syd's message and asks if they've identified the body. Syd says that's why she's calling; the body was stolen. lodie says she'll dig around and see what she can find out. As she says this, she passes by the missing container and the medical readings on the outside start reading a pulse. The camera pans down and the hand inside the containerstarts to stir. D'oh!
on Alias: The new recruits are put to the test. Hope we all pay attention long enough to care.