Previously on Alias: Syd got bitten by a psycho and all she got to show for it was a Goth club and some Marilyn Manson. That doesn't seem like a very fair equation to me, really.
In other news, this recap is brought to you by the letter "Shut Up" and approximately forty-seven cappuccinos.
Irkustk, Russia. Yes, it's a real place. I looked it up. And right away I knew I was going to be in trouble with this recap because Google came up with dozens of links, most of which seemed to be forums or sites dedicated to helping lonely men find beautiful women from the Irkustk region. Are men really that desperate to find a woman who doesn't speak English but has a great set ofteeth? I must say that one of the sites I clicked on (what? I was curious) had a bunch of lovely women that I imagine were actually Russian supermodels designed to lure in hapless guys named "Stuie" who just want to git them a wife and dammit she better be HOT and not know the Russian translation of "spousal abuse" and then Stuie writes away for his mail-order bride and she shows up and instead of looking like Nicole Kidman, she looks like a female Robin Williams, only with more hair, and she not only knows English, she knows the phrase "possession is nine-tenths of the law" and Stuie winds up broke and in prison and Grimelda or whatever the hell her name is writes a tell-all novel entitled You For To Love Me Strong American? and goes on Dr. Phil and becomes world famous and winds up marrying a computer hacker half her age and the real Robin Williams ends up playing her in a Lifetime movie of the week.
Um. Maybe I shouldn't have had that forty-seventh cappuccino. Also? If you liked the paragraph, than you'll love the rest of this recap, because, dudes? Nothing much at all happens in this one, there are holes and plot points you can drive a truck through, and to top it all off, this episode was supposed to air before the last couple of episodes (it's actually number four), so I spent half the damn thing going, "Wait. Weiss is flirting with Nadia? Syd hates Sloane but is still working with him? I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON." All I'm saying is, be prepared for a lot of caffeinated rambling because, seriously, can we kick this show into gear already? I am bored out of my cotton-pickin' mind here.
So. Yeah. Russia. We're in some bar somewhere. A hot Russian mail-order bride is mixing up a couple of Irkustk Ice Knockers, a drink that consists of vodka, with a topper of vodka and, to complete it, a layer of vodka. Speaking of vodka, is it too early on a Sunday morning to start drinking? Oh, hell, it's happy hour somewhere in the world. Vaughn's sitting at a table with some Russian dude who seems to be very nervous about their meeting. The Russian dude, Anatoly, tells Vaughn that Russia has been producing black thorine. The best part about this "black thorine"? It doesn't exist. At all. I looked it up and got about twelve listings -- all about Alias. Hee. For some reason, that just cracked me up.
It may be make-believe, but in Alias-land, black thorine is some seriously bad shit and Russia is NOT supposed to be manufacturing the stuff. Anatoly, who, as an officer in the Russian army, really shouldn't be talking to ANYONE about this stuff, tells Vaughn that the only reason he is talking is because one of the vials of black thorine was stolen. Then he gives Vaughn the routing number of his superior's bank account, saying that the boss recently came into a whole lot of money. Just then, a couple of Russian soldiers enter and demand that Anatoly come with them. Anatoly rather stupidly reaches for his gun and the soldiers shoot him dead. Vaughn just kind of looks down at him like, "Damn. They don't fuck around in Irkustk, do they?"
The soldiers turn to Vaughn and he's all, "Uh, yeah. Hi. I'm not the one you should be worrying about, y'all." And that's when Hot Mail-Order Bartender shows up, and of course, it's Syd, wearing a hilarious babushka. She takes down one of the guards with a broom while Vaughn handles the other guard with his fists. And then they fight. I have to say, I really love it when Michael Vartan gets to be all tough and shit. He delivers a body punch that acts as the end cap to this scene and he's all, "WHAM!" without breaking a sweat andhe's pretty.
Scissor Sisters Barbie Penthouse. Syd's returning home from Irkustk, I guess, and she's wearing her super-smart geek girl glasses that I just love. She's paging through her mail when"Sydney!" calls Sloane from the kitchen counter. "We didn't expect you back so soon!" I laughed out loud at this, actually, because Sloane is such a slimeball that you just KNOW that the second he heard Syd at the door, he wanted to beat Nadia to the punch by throwing out his falsely friendly greeting. Like, Nadia was all, "Hey, Sy--" And Sloane just stomped all over it all, "SYDNEYGLADTOSEEYOU'REHOMEHOW'DITGO? BETCHERMAAAAAADAREN'TYA?" Hee. I love him.
Syd doesn't love him, though, and she clomps down the stairs, clenching her jaw. Sloane surmises that Russia was a success. Syd's all, yeah, it was, which you would know if you went to your damn office and got the hell out of my damn house. Nadia's all, Syd, I'm sorry, he just stopped bySyd's all, GET OUT. Why's Nadia apologizing? Sloane's her father. He can stop by just like Jack stops by. Hello? JACK KILLED THEIR MOTHER. Yet you don't see Nadia going all bitchtastic on Jack's ass whenever he drops by. Shut up, Sydney. And, while we're at it, SHUT UP SOME MORE.
Sloane leaves his Rambaldi Life Juice behind and, after giving Nadia a kiss on the cheek, walks himself to the door. Syd glares at her sister. I know you're not saying anything here, Sydney, but shut up anyway. Sloane leaves and Nadia's all, dude, seriously, I'm sorry. He wanted to talk. He wants a fresh start. Syd's all, you think that's all he wants? The man is a cobra, Nadia. Nadia's all, hey, Bitchy McWhinesAlot, you work with the guy EVERY DAY. Syd's all, yeah, so I can KEEP AN EYE ON HIM. Andthis is where this whole scene derails because, well, Syd's been working with him for six episodes already and we're supposed to believe that she's STILL this violently opposed to the guy? Yeah. Not so much. Now, if this episode had aired in its proper order, it would have been fourth and this anger wouldn't have seemed so misplaced. Are you hearing this, ABC Monkeys? Get your shit together and let the damn writers do their jobs. The original order of episodes was fine and you should have left them that way and WAY TO GIVE NO CREDIT WHATSOEVER TO THE DAMN AUDIENCE, JACKHOLES.