Previously on Alias: Syd and Vaughn went to Russia and pretended to be a married couple from 1952 in order to infiltrate a Russian sleeper spy camp. Or something. Vaughn and Syd were taking it slow. And then they weren't. And then they were. And then they…soaped each other down in the Spy Shower of Anti-Bugging Devices and the Taking It Slow 2005 plan sort of dissolved. Or, at least, until the out-of-order episode shows up and Taking It Slow 2005 Redux rears its ugly head yet again. Like…during THIS episode.
Speaking of this episode, we begin at the Universiteit van Amsterdam. A girl runs in a sort of slo-mo into a classroom and takes her seat as the teacher talks. The class seems to be a language class and the students are learning how to construct sentences in English. One of the students is asked to describe three things she saw on the way to class. She winds up telling a humorous tale of Klaus kissing Kristina and, while the rest of the class giggles at the utterly amusing story, one of the students' cell phone rings. The teacher sort of snappishly orders the student, Anna, to turn her phone off. I have to say that the second the teacher said the name "Anna," I immediately thought we were going to see Anna Espinosain the chair and suddenly realize that this was actually a spy training class from the past or something. But it's not Anna, it's just a confused-looking blonde student. Since Sydney's nowhere to be found in this scene, I have to admit, I had NO idea what was going on.
So, Professor O'Paranoid orders Anna to turn off her phone. Anna looks around at the rest of the students all, "The hell? What's up with the prof?" Anna pulls out her phone and says that it wasn't ringing. Professor O'Paranoid gets this freaked look on her face and suddenly runs out of the class. Out in the hall, the teacher runs into some creepy bald guy and tries to run the other direction, pulling a gun out of her purse as she runs. Baldy shows up again around the corner, however, and when Professor O'Paranoid turns to run the other way, Baldy's at the end of the hall as well. So either there are several Baldy clones running around, or Professor O'Paranoid is hallucinating. Guess which one it is. As the teacher starts pointing her gun around willy-nilly, Baldy suddenly disappears. Just then, one of the students comes out and Prof O'Paranoid points the gun at her. Then Baldy reappears at the end of the hall with a gun and a silencer as the student screeches at her teacher. Breathing heavily, Prof O'Paranoid finally spazzes something at the student in Dutch and then…puts the gun under her own chin and pulls the trigger. Damn. Way to open the show, y'all.
We switch from this scene of desperate suicide to a much fluffier, friendlier scene of Vaughn and Syd at the hockey rink, trying to continue Syd's hockey education. I'd say the lessons aren't going all that well, because as Syd attempts to take the puck all the way to the goal, she totally bails and spills it flat out on the ice. Hee. I laughed out loud when I saw this the first time, but now that I have it TiVo'd, I'm actually apoplectic with giggles. I just keep replaying it to the moment when Syd bites it and Jennifer Garner's expression is priceless. Vaughn falls out laughing at her sorry ass and she laughingly tells him not to laugh at her. Heh. Vaughn shows her how to put more snap into her goal shot as he tells her stories of his hockey days. That dimple in Michael Vartan's cheek should be bronzed. Rowr.
So Vaughn tells Syd this cute story about going for an impossible goal or something, but the real point to the whole thing is the lesson he learned about how he shouldn't let fear get in the way. Yeah. No idea. But most of the episode seems to revolve around fear, so I'm guessing this was the writers' kind of ham-fisted way of introducing the subject. Vaughn continues the fear theme by saying, "Syd, I know you want to take it slow, but what are you afraid of?" Syd's all, "Slow? How slow was it when I did that thing to you in the shower in Russia last week? Huh? If that's 'slow' then I'd hate to see what we do when we're going 'fast.'" Yeah, the "taking it slow" thing is A) getting real old and B) totally out of place and confusing, seeing as the episodes are being shown out of order. If this episode had come before the last one, then the "take it slow" comment would make sense. But it doesn't here. Not that it matters, because if I hear one more goddamn discussion of "taking it slow," I'm going to hire a jet, fly out to California, rent a car, peel into the Disney lot, locate the writers room, and promptly whack them all about the head and neck with a fake palm frond from the Lost set. Drop it already, is what I'm saying.
After both of their cell phones ring, Syd -- without Vaughn, apparently -- heads off to the Apple Store. Once in the Conference Room of Endless Expositions, Sloane informs the troops that Professor O'Paranoid's real name was Nancy Cahill, and she was a narcotics operative for Langley. She's been stationed in Europe for the past three years, working with a task force that specializes in the development of new synthetics. Assignment dossiers are handed out and…Vaughn's there on the sofa, which…what? I guess he and Syd took separate cars. I don't know. I mean, not that he and Syd have to go everywhere together, of course, but that just seems weird that they were together, got the call together, and…showed up separately? Hm.
Whatever. Sloane tells everyone about Nancy shooting herself. Syd looks at her dossier and reads the last words uttered by Nancy: "Vertel hen het is grappig." Syd interprets this to say, "Tell them it is funny." But Babel Fish tells me it's actually, "Tells them it is funny." CloudyNL, one of the trusty posters who also happens to be from the lovely land of the Dutch, seemed to think that Nancy actually said, "Tell them it's not funny." But, as CloudyNL rightfully pointed out, this is really very bad Dutch, so all bets are off as to what Nancy REALLY said. So, yeah, Nancy said something in Dutch about something being funny or not funny. We're not sure. What we are sure about is that Jason, Nancy's husband, who is also a narc operative, has disappeared and hasn't been in touch with his handler for three weeks. The Appleseed Gang assignment? Locate Jason Cahill. Everyone gets their individual assignments, and Syd and Jack head off to Amsterdam and the Cahill's apartment.
Amsterdam. Syd and Jack enter the apartment. It's dark and all the light bulbs have been removed, so they have to creep around with their flashlights. They split up and Jack removes the back of the TV, finding a laptop hidden within. He inserts a USB key and starts copying the files. Syd looks under the kitchen sink and finds a hidden doorway with a padlock holding it closed. She feels a breeze coming out from behind it, so she quickly picks the padlock and opens the door. Oh, no, no, no, Sydney. Wherever there is a locked door, there is trouble. Just like wherever there is a dark place, there is a little dead boy with a gaping maw that emits the sound of a cat screeching. If there's one thing we learned from The Grudge, it's that stupid people who go into stupid houses and stick their hands into stupid dark places wind up dead. And stupid.
Syd hasn't seen The Grudge, apparently, because she just blithely heads into the hallway on the other side of the secret door. There are papers blowing around and plates of rotting food and flies and really super-creepy drawings scratched all over the walls and the Scary Violins of Vampires Are Real, We Swear screech across the soundtrack. Suddenly, Jason Cahill shows up and tackles Syd to the ground. He looks like he's possessed or something and his face resembles that of a gargoyle. Before Syd can fend him off with some of her jujitsu, Cahill opens up his mouth and sinks his teeth into her neck. Syd yells and shoves his face away, but Cahill then vomits this blackish blood all over her. I don't think it's Syd's own blood because he wasn't biting her long enough to have what looks to be approximately a half pint of plasma spilling out of his mouth. Jack shoots Cahill in the back and he dies instantly. Syd just sits up all, "Great. Nothing I needed more than a hickey from a damn psycho. Now I'll have to wear turtlenecks for the three weeks. What a bitch."
And now is the time on Alias when don our favorite black velvet formal wear, light the red candles, and worship Nosferatu while jamming out vamp-style to DJ Master JJ and the Vampire Cru.
When we come back from the break, Syd's being given a CAT scan as Jack watches pictures of her brain on the monitor in the other room. Later, a doctor enters a room where Jack and Syd are waiting to hear the results. Doc tells Syd that her blood work is negative. So that's good news. He checks the bite and declares that it looks fine. Jack wants to know what the CAT scan was for. Doc tells him that the Cahills came in contact with a drug that affected the nervous system. Both of the Cahills had an enlarged pineal gland. By the way, looking up the pineal gland on Google not only brings up several medical sites, it brings up sites about crystals, fantasy characters, ESP and alien life forms. I wish I were kidding. Ever heard of something called "The Third Eye"? Yeah. Me neither. Until I Googled "pineal gland." Some things just…shouldn't be known. Or have websites created about them.
According to the Alias doc, the pineal gland converts melatonin, which regulates sleep cycles and body temperature. But, if there's an acute imbalance of melatonin, someone's behavior might change, even leading them to perform acts of violence. Syd mentions the drawings in the hidden hallway, saying that Cahill seemed to be suffering from extreme paranoia and was seeing demons. He's also currently suffering from an extreme lack of THE TOP OF HIS SKULL. Could we…I know the inclusion of a corpse is par for the course on CSI, but could we just MOVE AWAY FROM THE DEAD BRAIN ON THE TABLE, PLEASE? It is seriously skeeving me out.
Doc Pineal tells Jack and Syd that he initially thought the drug they were dealing with was a psychotropic, but he found no traces of any hallucinogens. Jack snaps that no matter what drug Cahill was on, he couldn't have transferred it to Syd by biting her, so what up with the CAT scan, homes? Doc Pineal says that since the Cahills dealt with emerging drugs, he just wanted to take every precaution. But luckily, all of Syd's tests indicate she's just fine. She totally isn't, by the way.
Sloane's Office of West Elm Furniture. The troops are gathered on the red sofas, listening as Sloane tells them that Langley wants to know what drug the Cahills were exposed to and they want to know everything about it; where it's being manufactured, why it's being made, what it's supposed to be used for, et cetera. Sloane wants to know what the team has learned so far. Vaughn states that neither of the Cahills left Amsterdam in the past month and, in her final days, Nancy Cahill made twice her usual phone calls. But, since they were deep undercover, the phone calls were sent through several routers, so they have no idea who she called. Marshall pipes up that if Vaughn gives him the routing numbers, he might be able to hack a back trace. Marshall continues that Cahills' hard drive was erased but he still might be able to reconstruct some of the files.
Sloane picks up one of the big sheets of paper with Jason Cahill's scribblings all over it. "What about these?" he asks. Weiss answers that Jason was analyzing data: names, dates, links between sources. He was definitely looking for something. "I don't know, maybe his mind," snarks Weiss. "This guy was a little bit crazy. His wife actually locked him in this closet…" Just then, Jack enters. He tells everyone that Sydney's fine (she totally isn't), just exhausted, and he's sending her home. Vaughn leaves the meeting and goes over to check on Syd. He looks at the bandage and Syd says, "Ohhhh, you think it's sexy, don't you?" Whaaaat? "Ha," says Vaughn. "Only if I'd done it." WHAAAAT? So, what, neck bites are sexy now? The hell? Maybe neck bites are all the rage in mythical Transylvania, but in downtown Los Angeles? I don't think so. Vaughn walks Syd to the exit and asks her if she needs a ride, but she just says she's tired and wants to go home. She leaves, and Vaughn looks after her with a worried expression, etching Forehead Wrinkle #4,765 into the one remaining gap.
Casa de Crazy. Syd's trying to sleep, but it's not working. The clock says 12:10 AM. Flashes of The Vampire LeCahill keep appearing before her eyes. Finally, she gets up and goes into the bathroom. She stands before the mirror and looks at herself. It's very weird here, actually, because for most of this mirror moment, Syd looks remarkably like Nadia, and I can't figure out if this was done intentionally or not. Syd's eyes are half-closed, probably due to sleeplessness, and we're sort of viewing her from the side. I swear it almost looks like Nadia's features have been superimposed over Syd's. Freaky.
Speaking of freaky, Syd removes her bite bandage and the wound is gone! Just like in the movies! Actually, no, it's still there, and it still looks like a vampire bite. Only…can I just say that if someone actually bit you on the neck, I mean, with their sharp canine teeth, the wound would NOT look like someone had taken a carving fork and plunged it into your jugular. This is something that has bugged me about vampire bites, both in movies and on television, since Bela Lugosi first uttered, "I vant to drink your blooood." Like, make it look like a wound! Make it look like someone took a chunk out of it! Gross us out! But don't attempt to make us believe that someone has two prongs of equal length and width, equidistance apart, sticking directly out from their gums in the front of their mouth. Just…don't.
Sorry. Back with Syd. She sees a spider crawling along the sink and just as quickly as it appears, it disappears. Syd looks in the mirror again and…yes, again, she looks like Nadia. She turns to a drawer and pulls out an electronic thermometer. Just then, Nadia and Weiss enter the house. Syd walks out, and Nadia hopes they didn't wake her up. Syd just says she was up anyway because she had a headache. She asks if they've learned anything new since this afternoon. Weiss just says that Cahill's papers make his head hurt. Nadia says that Marshall's making progress with the hard drive situation. Weiss starts to take off his overcoat and Syd makes this face like, "D'oh!" Weiss is all, whuh? Syd's all, are you…Weiss is all, what, staying over? Syd smiles at him. "No," he says, looking over at Nadia. "Unless…unless I am. Am I?" Hee. "You're not," smiles Nadia. Hee some more. "I'm not," he grins. "I'll walk you out," she says, hustling him toward the door. "She's gonna walk me out. She almost said 'yes,'" he says to Syd. "You saw that, right? This close. I was this close. Good night." Hee hee hee. Nadia walks Weiss to the door. Syd suddenly hears a beeping from her hand and opens it to reveal the thermometer. The temperature reads 111°F. Syd feels her head, trying to get a read on her temp. Then the temperature starts going up and up and up, as if Syd's a pot of boiling sugar or something.
Apple Store. Syd's standing in front of a bank of monitors, paging through Cahill's psycho notes. She zooms in on the word "vampire." Hm. Vaughn walks up and startles Syd with a "Hey!" Dude. She was just bitten by a vampire. Try not to sneak up on the poor girl. Syd wonders out loud if Jason Cahill was just delusional. Vaughn says that the CIA is assuming that the Cahills realized they were infected with something they came in contact with, probably a drug from one of their sources, but which drug, which source, they don't rightly know. According to the notes, it would appear that the Cahills were retracing their steps, trying to figure it out, possibly looking for an antidote.
Later, at another troop meeting, Marshall tells everyone that he managed to recover the files on the hard disk. These files include Jason Cahill's itineraries, dead-drop protocols, and routing numbers for discretionary funds. All that matters for the moment is that Jason scheduled a meeting with one of his contacts and that meeting is coming up. The contact's handle? "The Count." Syd's all, "The Count? Are you fucking kidding me with this?" Heh. Glad she said something because, yeah. Not so much with the bloodsucker allusions, okay? This Count dude is for real, and he looks to be one of the Cahill's sources, supplying them with samples of new drugs. Marshall brings up a photo of the Count and it's "Justin" from Party of Five. I never watched the show, but all of the posters who did watch it have stated that the Count was Julia's boyfriend or something. No idea. He's a creepy little dude on this show, however, so I certainly hope he was more likeable on POF. ["He was. Hot, too. Rent SLC Punk!, he's in that and it's Matthew Lillard's only non-annoying role." -- Sars]
Syd's assignment is to meet up with the Count in Bucharest, tell him she's an associate of Jason's, lead him into conversation, then get him to tell her what drugs he gave the Cahills. Dix pipes up, "It's a mistake." Sloane looks over at him and drolly says, "I beg your pardon?" Hee. He's such a hooded cobra. Dix thinks that sending Syd back out into the field so soon is a tactical error. Syd's all, I'm fine. She totally isn't. Dix is all, dude? You shouldn't go. Syd's all, dude? Shut it. Sloane's all, get the hell outta my sight and go do your jobs.
After the meeting, Syd and Marshall are walking down a hallway as Marshall gibbers on about mind-altering drugs. Syd wants to know if there's a chance that there's a delayed-reaction element to the drug that the Cahills were on. Marshall says that it probably takes a half hour or so for it to hit. Syd's thinking more along the lines of a day or two, but Marshall's too busy blabbling into his cell phone at his infant son to give her a definitive answer. He whispers to Syd that he'll look into it and walks off to spend more time going "boo-boo" into his phone. Syd, about to yak from all the damn baby talk, turns and sees Nadia waving a disk at her in the distance, so she makes her way over.
Nadia hands over the disk, which has scans of Cahill's papers where the Count is mentioned. Syd cringes and puts a finger to her temple. "Another headache?" asks Nadia. "Yeah," says Syd. She goes on to tell Nadia about the 111°F temperature thing from the night before. Nadia says that a temp like that is impossible, and wants to know if Syd told Doc Pineal. Everything was back to normal this morning, so, no, she didn't. Nadia's all, you have to tell them. Syd's all, if I do, they'll sideline me. Nadia's all, if you don't tell them I will. Syd's all, and if you open your big fat mouth, I'm gonna shove my fist into it. "I shouldn't have told you anything," hisses Syd as Vaughn approaches. He walks up all, "Whassup?" The girls clam up immediately, causing Vaughn to say, "Uh, what's going on here, girl stuff?" Oh, man. That's akin to a chick being moody or pissed off about something and a guy saying, "What, you on the rag?" Seriously. "Girl stuff"? He couldn't have said, "Did I interrupt something?" I realize it's supposed to be a funny moment, but it's…not. It's just not. Nadia doesn't think so either, because she says, "People stuff." Heh. She tells Syd to be safe, and Syd and Vaughn head for their plane.
Sloane's Office of West Elm Furniture. Dix enters. "You wanted to see me?" Sloane takes a drink of Rambaldi Life Juice and says that yes, he wanted to see Dix. Sloane's all, yo, I know you're buddies with Syd, and I appreciate that, but, um, dude? It ain't up to you to determine who is or isn't ready for duty, okay? Dix is all, respectfully, beeyotch, Syd has a history of putting her work before her own well-being, and, as someone who obviously cares about her MORE THAN YOU DO, I thought it only right to speak up about it. Sloane then gets all up in Dixon's kitchen and snits that, during the eleven years with SD-6, not once did Dix ever clue in to the fact that he was actually working for the enemy. "What are you suggesting?" says Dixon, barely containing his rage. "That my loyalty somehow is a liability?" Oh, snap. "I'm suggesting that you do your job," says Sloane coldly, "and that I do mine." Oh, double snap. Hooded cobra, y'all. The man is a menace. Dix just glares at Sloane and then walks off.
Bucharest. Syd's at the safe house with Vaughn and Jack. She's wearing a white robe and looking over Cahill's drawings while she drinks a cup of tea. Jack announces that it's 11:30 PM, so they should get a move on. He tells Syd that if the Count gets suspicious of her while they're talking, the abort code is "takedown." He then tells Vaughn that he's on point while Jack will cover the back. Syd goes to take a sip of her tea and a big-ass tarantula seems to be climbing around inside the cup. Oh, ew. Spiders freak me the hell out. Syd's freaked too, because she kind of leaps back from the cup and splashes what looks like blood all over herself. She sits back down and looks down at her robe. She's covered with tea instead of blood. Vaughn's all, dude? Syd just lames that the tea was hotter than she expected. Jack and Vaughn exchange concerned glances as Syd goes off to change into her Vampire LeSydney outfit.
At the Queen of the Damned Goth Club on the corner of Bloodletting Street and Transylvania Avenue, Syd enters to the strains of "Dope Show" by Marilyn Manson. That's the best they could do for "Goth" music? I mean, I loves me some Marilyn Manson (I find him humorous in a creepy way), but dude hasn't released an album in, what, five years? I mean, besides the greatest hits and live tour albums. I would hope that good Goths everywhere would have latched onto another lingerie-wearing, blue-contact-lens-sporting, gravel-voiced freakshow with a penchant for snuff films by now.
So, whatever, Syd walks in and she's wearing Kirsten Dunst's entire costume from Interview with a Vampire. She's looking for the Count, but can't seem to see him anywhere. Jack spots him at the front bar and Syd heads that way. Jack, by the way, doesn't look out of place AT ALL in this Goth bar. Nope. Not at all. Considering the fact that he's wearing, like, a black running suit or something, I'm surprised a group of angry Goths doesn't toss his ass into a bathroom and slap some white pancake makeup and black eyeliner on him and send him on his way. So, Syd and her wig approach the Count. Syd mentions Cahill's name and says that he couldn't come, so she's here in his place. The Count tells her that they're not safe to talk out in the open, so they should talk up in some balcony. He tells her to meet him there in ten minutes, and walks away. Syd tells Jack that she's not going to wait because the Count could fly, so she follows behind him. As she walks, the Goth patrons seem to get weirder- and weirder-looking and Syd begins to imagine that they're all looking at her and toasting her and then she sees some woman making out with Vaughn over on a sofa. The guy pulls back and we see that it's not Vaughn at all, just another one of Syd's hallucinations.
Syd and her corset head up to the balcony to meet with the Count. The Count is NOT happy that Syd's there instead of Jason, and he wants to know what's wrong. Syd says Jason's sick and that she's there instead. The Count isn't buying it, so he pulls out a gun and points it at her, telling her to turn around. He slams her up against a wall and pats her down as she tells him that the Cahills are dead. The Count finds Syd's gun and freaks out, asking her if she's a cop. She just says that the Cahills are dead because of a drug and she's trying to find out what drug it is. This comment obviously hits home with the Count, because he immediately says, "Oh my god," and turns away from her. Syd's all, you know! You know what this drug is, don't you? The Count just slams the gun into her forehead and runs off. Vaughn's there to greet him, though, and shots are fired. "We're under fire!" Vaughn yells to Jack. "Takedown! Takedown!" Vaughn chases after the Count and they wind up spilling down some stairs. Vaughn knocks the Count out and turns to ask if Syd's okay. She is and so is Vaughn, even though he seems to have injured his arm. Everyone heads back to the safe house to interrogate the Count.
Later, after Syd and Vaughn have changed out of their Goth gear and into their all-black spy ensembles, Syd approaches the Count and tells him they know his real name, Andre Sterescu, and everything else about him -- including his background in stolen pharmaceuticals. Jack shows Andre a picture of Jason Cahill and requests that he tell them what he knows. After a couple of threats from Jack of the Pursed Lips, Andre finally says that Jason told him he was a chemist. It should be noted that Michael Goorjian, the guy playing Andre, has a great generic Slavic accent going here. I mean, I don't know many people from Bucharest, but it sounds pretty good to me. ["He's from Oakland. Heh." -- Sars]
Andre goes on to say that Jason hired him to spy on the competition. Vaughn tells him that, in a way, yes, he was spying on the competition, only he was actually spying on behalf of the CIA. So, in essence, he was working for the good guys. Andre says that Jason called the meet and that, of all the jobs he did for Cahill, his most recent one involved him making a, how you say, pen. That's right, a pen. Syd's phone rings and it's Marshall. He tells her that she was right about the incubation period on the drug. Well, not the Cahill drug, specifically. Marshall says that a bunch of German and Czech chemists have been messing with a group of designer analogs or something and it looks like they created a drug that works like a virus. It gets into the bloodstream, where it incubates for a few days; then it infects you and permanently alters your brain. Nice. Marshall says that Doc Pineal is going to do a culture on the Cahills' blood to make sure that the drug they were on isn't one of these virus drugs. He asks Syd if she's feeling okay and she says she's fine. She totally isn't.
"Nocturne," says Jack to Andre after the commercial break. "Two weeks ago you delivered a sample to Cahill. Tell me about it." Andre tells him it comes in a small vial and that Cahill said it was like speed, only better. Once you take it, you suddenly have no need to sleep. Unfortunately, Andre says he doesn't know where it came from. As he spins some yarn about the Eastern Bloc, he pulls out his gun and checks it for bullets. As Syd watches, he spins the chamber, tells Vaughn that he has no idea where the drug ultimately came from, pulls back the hammer and puts the gun in his mouth. "Is too bad for you," says Andre to Syd. "Because you're dying too." He pulls the trigger and we hear a shot, but of course this is just a hallucination, because there Andre sits, totally fine. Syd kind of gasps and Vaughn asks if she's okay. Again, Syd tells everyone that she's fine. She totally isn't.
A bit later, the Appleseed gang receives a Batvision message from Sloane and Doc Pineal. (Seriously. It's Sloane and the Doc in some room, beamed directly to the SpyCam or something. It's sort of hilarious, actually.) The doc tells them that Nocturne incorporates a stimulant that overrides the pineal gland. Vaughn pipes up that there was intel a few years ago that the North Koreans were working on an experimental project like this once, trying to create 24-hour soldiers. Doc Pineal says that there were plenty of other experiments as well, but they all failed because no one really understood the biochemical nature of dreaming. Vaughn asks if the Cahills' visions were actually a form of dreams. "Nightmares, yes, in a manner of speaking," says Doc Pineal. "Problem being with these dreams? Once triggered, there's no waking up." Sloane asks if Sydney is listening. Before she can answer, Sloane starts talking about how his plan is working and how she's starting to trust him all over again. Syd looks to her left, trying to dispel the nightmare, but Sloane shows up right to her, saying that at some point, he'll betray her, and the people she cares most about will die. Nightmare Sloane disappears, and Vaughn's all, dude? You okay? Syd responds by getting up and stalking into the other room. At least she didn't say she was fine again.
In the other room, Syd grabs Andre and starts screaming at him to tell her the truth about the drug. He whimpers that he's not lying and that he told her everything. She grabs him by the neck and starts choking him. "I'm one of them," she gasps. "Do you hear me, you son of a bitch? Cahill bit me!" Vaughn comes in and rips her off Andre. He gasps and says that he lied; it wasn't Cahill who called him, but the other way around. He called Cahill to tell him that the original sample drug he gave him wasn't Nocturne at all; at least not the Nocturne they're making nowadays. Instead, it was an old sample that was meant to be destroyed. This drug? Well, it goes right through skin. "And [Cahill] didn't know this," hisses Vaughn. "I need money!" simpers Andre. "I lied to him! I'm sorry." Syd starts getting another headache. Jack wants to know where the drug came from. Andre thinks it came from Prague. He apologizes to everyone. He's kind of cute for a weasly Romanian drug dealer.
Apple Store. Weiss is having some sort of epiphany about Nancy Cahill's last words. He determines that "grappig" means something other than "funny." Nadia plugs it into some intelligence search engine and comes up with "The Grappig Group" in Prague. Turns out that Grappig is a loose affiliation of biochemical engineers headed up by Baldy McScaryPants from the beginning of the episode. Weiss says that Nancy Cahill had found where Nocturne originated, but she was too far gone to do anything about it. The Grappig intel is communicated to the Appleseed gang by Sloane. He seems to think that even if they can recover a sample of the drug, there wouldn't be enough time to engineer an antidote; Syd needs medical attention, like, now. Vaughn states that, if Grappig realized they made a bad batch of Nocturne, they may very well have created an antidote themselves. Jack spits out that they're going to Prague, end of story. Heh.
Prague. A black van pulls up to what appears to be the same view from the third-season opener where Syd dons a red dress and red wig and peels off in a Ferrari. Jack orders Vaughn to gather anything and everything from Baldy's lab that might pertain to Nocturne. Vaughn asks what he should do if he doesn't find anything. "Let's not discuss that here," grits Jack. Syd looks over at him. "Sydney's not as trustworthy as her mother," says Jack. "I know," says Vaughn, sneaking a glance at her. "I'm going to kill her, just like I did Irina," says Jack. "Good," says Vaughn. He and Jack go back to their normal selves, talking about getting a key to Baldy's office. Vaughn leaves. Syd, thinking they're out to get her, palms a knife and turns to see Jack pull out a gun…which turns out to be a bottle of water. Yeah. She's losing her shit.
Syd asks if they have any tranquilizers with them. Jack says they don't. "Then I think you better tie me up," says Syd, putting her head into her hand. Inside the Grappig building, Vaughn does something to kill the security monitors and the lights. When the fat security guard goes to investigate, Vaughn knocks him out and takes his keys. He tells Jack he's in and heads upstairs. Back with Syd and Jack, she asks him if she's going to be all right. "Of course you are," he says, just like a good daddy. "But what if we can't--" "Shhh," he says. "Don't talk. You can't imagine how much I hate it when you talk." Heh. Syd's all, what? Jack's all, I killed your mother because she wouldn't shut the hell up and now I'm going to kill you for the SAME REASON SO SHUT UP ALREADY. This scene kicks ass, by the way. Like, somehow, Nightmare Jack's mouth seems to be saying the words, but his eyes are really saying whatever Real Jack's actually saying. I don't know how he's doing it, but that's what it looks like to me. Awesome.
Nightmare Jack continues tormenting Sydney with talk of her mother and how much he hated her and how much it bugs him that Sydney reminds him of Irina. Syd's all, no! Nonononono! Real Jack's all, Syd? This isn't real! It's all going to pass! Inside Baldy's office, Vaughn says he's in and asks if Syd's okay. Real Jack's all, dude? We're fine. Just get your shit together and get the damn antidote before my kid whacks me in the head. Vaughn searches for the antidote as Nightmare Jack tells Syd to look in his eyes because they're the last thing she'll ever see. Syd's all, NOOOOOO! Vaughn keeps searching. Real Jack instructs Syd to breathe while Nightmare Jack tells Syd that Irina killed him just like he's gonna kill Syd. Syd's all, I won't let you! Nightmare Jack's all, dude. You're tied up. I'd like to see you TRY to stop me. Syd looks down at her bindings and then back up to her father. "Dad…" "I'm here Sydney," he says. "Will you hug me?" she cries. Aw. "Of course I will," he says, moving toward her. He embraces her and says it's okay. Then she head-checks him and kicks him while he's down. D'oh!
Syd quickly cuts herself free of her bindings with the palmed knife. Vaughn tries to check in but gets no answer from Jack. Vaughn somehow discovers that something other than a digital clock is plugged into a power strip on the floor. He follows the cord to a case against the wall and opens it. Inside, there's a collection of rainbow-hued vials on one shelf and a box with yellow and black vials below it. Either the yellow vials are marked "grab this one because it's the Nocturne antidote, dummy" or Vaughn's psychic, because he grabs a yellow vial and a single hypodermic from a table and runs off, telling Jack he has the antidote. The hell?
Once outside, Vaughn opens the van doors and sees that neither Syd nor Jack are inside. "Help!" screams Syd in the distance. Vaughn runs toward her voice. At the end of an alley, Syd's freaking out. "My father -- I think --" she gasps, looking down at an unconscious Jack on the ground. "Sydney," breathes Vaughn, "what did you do?" "I think I killed him!" cries Sydney. She bends over as if she's checking on Jack and Vaughn moves over to her. Suddenly, she gets up and is pointing a gun at him. Vaughn's all, uh, what the? Syd's all, get down on your knees, boyfriend! Vaughn's all, I have the antidote! Put the gun down! Syd's all, don't lie to me, pretty boy. Vaughn puts his hands up as Syd paranoids that this is all a big game to Vaughn. "A cruel joke at my expense," she spits. "What's a game?" he asks. "You and me," she says. "Admit it." Vaughn says it's not a joke and asks her what she's scared of. See? I told you that comment he made to Syd at the rink earlier was going to come back around.
"I am scared!" she cries. "I'm scared that you're going to betray me again. Like you did when you married Lauren." Oh, snap. Vaughn says he would never hurt her. Syd tells him to stop. Vaughn tells her to give him the gun. Syd tells him to stop. Vaughn moves forward and…click. There are no bullets in the gun. You know what that means, don't you?
And then they fight.
It's a really good fight, y'all, and both Vartan and Garner do a damn fine job, as do their stunt doubles. Kick kick kick, punch punch punch, whoops! Syd gets Vaughn up against a dumpster and tries to strangle him. He gets the better of her and gets HER up against the dumpster. She tries to bite his hand but, while a lot of people on the boards thought they heard her break the skin, my TiVo tells me that she barely scratched him and no blood was spilled, so that answers the question of whether Vaughn was infected or not. More fighting, back and forth, kick punch hit. Syd spies a lead pipe on the ground and introduces it to Vaughn's arm and leg. Vaughn goes down and Syd raises the pipe, about to brain him with it. Before she can, Jack miraculously appears and tackles her, putting her in a sleeper hold. Vaughn gets up. "You took the bullets out," he gasps. "It seemed a reasonable precaution," Jack wryly responds. Heh. Syd's knocked out on the ground, so Vaughn has a chance to deliver the antidote.
Apple Store. Sloane informs the troops that Syd's going to be fine and that Interpol has raided Baldy's office and lab and the Nocturne program has been dismantled. "That threat is now over," he states. The troops leave and Sloane asks Dix to stay behind. "Sending Sydney out…" says Sloane. "A tactical error indeed." Aw. He's apologizing. In his own sneaky hooded-cobra way. Dix kind of looks behind him to see if anyone's around, then he walks up and faces Sloane and basically becomes my own personal hero.
"I would have said this earlier," he starts, "but when I get done, it's likely you'll have me relieved of my position, and I didn't want that to happen while Sydney was in the field. I've asked myself countless times why I never saw the true nature of SD-6. For a while, I punished myself over it. Finally, I realized, my only failure was that of imagination. Despite all the evil I'd encountered, I had never imagined a person could exist -- someone as thoroughly toxic as yourself." Sloane just looks at Dixon, a veiled smile tugging at the corners of his lips. Heh. "I won't make that mistake again," continues Dixon. "You want us to believe you've reformed. That for the love of your daughter, you've decided to listen to the better angels of your nature. Arvin…let's be honest. You don't have any." Oh, SNAP. Sloane continues to calmly glare at Dixon. "And on that inevitable day, when your true motive reveals itself, I promise you: I'll be there. I'll be waiting." Dix smiles coldly and turns to walk away. Sloane looks after him and while his smile says, "Heh, nice one, Dixon," his eyes say, "I'm gonna bite that fucker and make him dead."
Now, I thought this episode should have ended right there. Dixon's the man, Sloane's a snake, go to black. But no. We have to check in with Syd and Vaughn, because god forbid the show should end on anyone other than them. Syd's in a hospital bed. Vaughn walks in. Syd tries to apologize about all the stuff she said and did. Vaughn just says she wasn't herself. She sits up and kisses him. They smile at each other. She looks down and sees a big-ass spider on the bed. Of course, she thinks it's a hallucination. That is, until Vaughn sees it too and cups it gently in his hand. Okay, what kind of hospital is this? Big-ass spiders on the beds? What, are there big-ass rats in the kitchens as well? Man. Remind me not to go there to have my appendix removed. Yikes. Vaughn gets rid of the spider and tells Syd that his father liked spiders, that he thought they were good luck. Syd's all, your father was on crack, because spiders are creepy. Vaughn tells her to get some rest, and she lies back down. He leaves and the camera lingers on Syd for, like, the last thirty seconds of the show. The hell? Shoulda ended with Dixon, y'all. Shoulda ended with Dixon.
This episode, by the way, was dedicated to Tricia K. Goken, an Alias script supervisor who died, along with her husband, in a car accident on January 29, 2005.
on Alias: They completely ruin the somber moment brought about by the dedication by launching into the "Sisters, Sisters" song from White Christmas and playing it over a montage of a bunch of scenes of Syd and Nadia doing spy stuff together. Nice transition, dudes.