Previously on Alias: Syd got bitten by a psycho and all she got to show for it was a Goth club and some Marilyn Manson. That doesn't seem like a very fair equation to me, really.
In other news, this recap is brought to you by the letter "Shut Up" and approximately forty-seven cappuccinos.
Irkustk, Russia. Yes, it's a real place. I looked it up. And right away I knew I was going to be in trouble with this recap because Google came up with dozens of links, most of which seemed to be forums or sites dedicated to helping lonely men find beautiful women from the Irkustk region. Are men really that desperate to find a woman who doesn't speak English but has a great set of…teeth? I must say that one of the sites I clicked on (what? I was curious) had a bunch of lovely women that I imagine were actually Russian supermodels designed to lure in hapless guys named "Stuie" who just want to git them a wife and dammit she better be HOT and not know the Russian translation of "spousal abuse" and then Stuie writes away for his mail-order bride and she shows up and instead of looking like Nicole Kidman, she looks like a female Robin Williams, only with more hair, and she not only knows English, she knows the phrase "possession is nine-tenths of the law" and Stuie winds up broke and in prison and Grimelda or whatever the hell her name is writes a tell-all novel entitled You For To Love Me Strong American? and goes on Dr. Phil and becomes world famous and winds up marrying a computer hacker half her age and the real Robin Williams ends up playing her in a Lifetime movie of the week.
Um. Maybe I shouldn't have had that forty-seventh cappuccino. Also? If you liked the paragraph, than you'll love the rest of this recap, because, dudes? Nothing much at all happens in this one, there are holes and plot points you can drive a truck through, and to top it all off, this episode was supposed to air before the last couple of episodes (it's actually number four), so I spent half the damn thing going, "Wait. Weiss is flirting with Nadia? Syd hates Sloane but is still working with him? I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON." All I'm saying is, be prepared for a lot of caffeinated rambling because, seriously, can we kick this show into gear already? I am bored out of my cotton-pickin' mind here.
So. Yeah. Russia. We're in some bar somewhere. A hot Russian mail-order bride is mixing up a couple of Irkustk Ice Knockers, a drink that consists of vodka, with a topper of vodka and, to complete it, a layer of vodka. Speaking of vodka, is it too early on a Sunday morning to start drinking? Oh, hell, it's happy hour somewhere in the world. Vaughn's sitting at a table with some Russian dude who seems to be very nervous about their meeting. The Russian dude, Anatoly, tells Vaughn that Russia has been producing black thorine. The best part about this "black thorine"? It doesn't exist. At all. I looked it up and got about twelve listings -- all about Alias. Hee. For some reason, that just cracked me up.
It may be make-believe, but in Alias-land, black thorine is some seriously bad shit and Russia is NOT supposed to be manufacturing the stuff. Anatoly, who, as an officer in the Russian army, really shouldn't be talking to ANYONE about this stuff, tells Vaughn that the only reason he is talking is because one of the vials of black thorine was stolen. Then he gives Vaughn the routing number of his superior's bank account, saying that the boss recently came into a whole lot of money. Just then, a couple of Russian soldiers enter and demand that Anatoly come with them. Anatoly rather stupidly reaches for his gun and the soldiers shoot him dead. Vaughn just kind of looks down at him like, "Damn. They don't fuck around in Irkustk, do they?"
The soldiers turn to Vaughn and he's all, "Uh, yeah. Hi. I'm not the one you should be worrying about, y'all." And that's when Hot Mail-Order Bartender shows up, and of course, it's Syd, wearing a hilarious babushka. She takes down one of the guards with a broom while Vaughn handles the other guard with his fists. And then they fight. I have to say, I really love it when Michael Vartan gets to be all tough and shit. He delivers a body punch that acts as the end cap to this scene and he's all, "WHAM!" without breaking a sweat and…he's pretty.
Scissor Sisters Barbie Penthouse. Syd's returning home from Irkustk, I guess, and she's wearing her super-smart geek girl glasses that I just love. She's paging through her mail when…"Sydney!" calls Sloane from the kitchen counter. "We didn't expect you back so soon!" I laughed out loud at this, actually, because Sloane is such a slimeball that you just KNOW that the second he heard Syd at the door, he wanted to beat Nadia to the punch by throwing out his falsely friendly greeting. Like, Nadia was all, "Hey, Sy--" And Sloane just stomped all over it all, "SYDNEYGLADTOSEEYOU'REHOMEHOW'DITGO? BETCHERMAAAAAADAREN'TYA?" Hee. I love him.
Syd doesn't love him, though, and she clomps down the stairs, clenching her jaw. Sloane surmises that Russia was a success. Syd's all, yeah, it was, which you would know if you went to your damn office and got the hell out of my damn house. Nadia's all, Syd, I'm sorry, he just stopped by…Syd's all, GET OUT. Why's Nadia apologizing? Sloane's her father. He can stop by just like Jack stops by. Hello? JACK KILLED THEIR MOTHER. Yet you don't see Nadia going all bitchtastic on Jack's ass whenever he drops by. Shut up, Sydney. And, while we're at it, SHUT UP SOME MORE.
Sloane leaves his Rambaldi Life Juice behind and, after giving Nadia a kiss on the cheek, walks himself to the door. Syd glares at her sister. I know you're not saying anything here, Sydney, but shut up anyway. Sloane leaves and Nadia's all, dude, seriously, I'm sorry. He wanted to talk. He wants a fresh start. Syd's all, you think that's all he wants? The man is a cobra, Nadia. Nadia's all, hey, Bitchy McWhinesAlot, you work with the guy EVERY DAY. Syd's all, yeah, so I can KEEP AN EYE ON HIM. And…this is where this whole scene derails because, well, Syd's been working with him for six episodes already and we're supposed to believe that she's STILL this violently opposed to the guy? Yeah. Not so much. Now, if this episode had aired in its proper order, it would have been fourth and this anger wouldn't have seemed so misplaced. Are you hearing this, ABC Monkeys? Get your shit together and let the damn writers do their jobs. The original order of episodes was fine and you should have left them that way and WAY TO GIVE NO CREDIT WHATSOEVER TO THE DAMN AUDIENCE, JACKHOLES.
Ahem.
So, whatever, Syd bitches and smacks some more about how much Sloane sucks and Nadia's just like, shut up, he's my father, and Syd's like, I don't give a damn, the man's evil, and Nadia's like, I KNOW WHAT THE DUDE'S DONE, OKAY? I read the files. I know about Danny. I know about Francie. I KNOW ALL THAT. Now, how about you take about seven chill pills and SHUT THE HELL UP? Syd's all, oh, and you knew all that and you still let that viper into my home? Nadia blah blahs something about reconciling the past and Syd looks properly shamed and then we mercifully move on to the Apple Store.
Conference Room of Endless Expositions. Everyone's discussing black thorine and how it's a breakthrough in explosives. Primarily, it's odorless and undetectable and a little goes a long way. So, in short, a drop of black thorine is bad, a vial of it is awful. The Russians are refusing to acknowledge that the stuff exists, let alone that they're making it. Also? Since when did the Russians become the generic bad guy again? What is this, Gorky Park? White Nights? Will they have to exchange people at the border? The hell? Sloane says that his sources confirm that the Russians are panicking. Syd's snarks, "Your sources?" Sloane wisely ignores her and goes on to blah blah something about Russian intelligence and how the theft of the vial sets their weapon development back a decade or something. Syd snits, "Would you mind telling us where that intel comes from or…are we just supposed to rely on your sources, no questions asked?" Everyone at the table looks at Syd like, shut up, SYD. Seriously. They're all totally embarrassed on her behalf. It's like when that one guy at the meeting just won't stop asking stupid questions just so he can be noticed and everyone at the table keeps looking around at each other all, "Oh, man, won't he just SHUT UP ALREADY so we can GO TO LUNCH?"
Sloane treats Syd like the petulant child she is and tells her that he can't divulge his sources -- unless, of course, she'd like him to deliver a discourse on the nature of confidentiality. Syd's all, no, I'm all caught up on that, thanks, SNEAKY. Again, everyone at the table kind of looks down at their hands or the ceiling or their pens and just generally seems to be thinking…awkward. Syd's behavior is ignored by everyone as they move on and Jack informs the troops that a man named Boris Tambor is the guy who paid off the Russian army in order to obtain the vial of black thorine. Tambor's a real player; he owns real estate all over Europe, tons of cars, and he never stays in one place for too long.
Right now, Tambor's booked into a hotel in Monte Carlo and he takes a seat at the high-stakes poker table every night at 9:00. That gambling appointment is the window of opportunity for the Appleseed Gang. Their mission is to get into the suite, find out where the thorine is and how Tambor plans to move it. Syd gets up and basically leaves before Sloane's dismissed her, which…yeah. If I pulled that shit, my ass would be fired. And Syd should be too, is what I'm guessing Sloane is thinking right about now. Later, Syd's sitting at her desk with her hands clasped together. Seriously. She's just…sitting there. Dix is watching her carefully and, finally, he moves over and parks it on the corner of her desk.
Dix is all, what up, chica? Why the long face? And bad attitude? And all the black leather? Are you trying out for a spot in the Joan Jett Revival Tour? Syd's all, no, but don't you just love her? No, it's Sloane. And he was in my house. And now I have to disinfect every surface with a scrub brush and a bottle of bleach because, ew. Dix is all, oh, is that all? Baby girl? LET IT GO. Okay, he doesn't. Instead, he just tells Syd that he dreams about Diane almost every night. In the dreams, he gets to her and holds her face and he can see in her eyes a disappointment in him for not preventing her death. Then she tells him that she loves him and the kids and that he has to do the right thing. "And that's how I make peace with Sloane. I don't put the past away or compartmentalize it. I transmute it. I make it the right decision today." Yeah, I have no idea what any of that means, but I sure do love me some Carl Lumbly. Syd and Dix smile at each other, and Syd hopes that she's as capable at dealing with this situation as Dix seems to be. He says he knows she is and gives her a kiss on the top of her head before walking away. Aw.
And now is the time on Alias when we fire up the drum machine of death, toss down a tequila worm, and kick out the jams, motherfucker! (This blatant MC5 plug brought to you by Happy Harry Hard-On.)
Shooting Range of Hot Spy Sisters. Nadia's going to town on a paper target. She kind of sneers when she shoots, which is actually sort of cute. Syd approaches after Nadia's clip is spent and actually surprises me by apologizing to Nadia for her atrocious behavior the night before. Syd goes on to say that when Irina showed up again, she'd done her share of bad things, but Syd still needed to know her. So, you know, just because a parent kills people for a living, doesn't mean s/he's a bad person. The sisters share a smile, and then Syd moves over to the shooting cube or whatever and they both reload and take aim. Phantom Planet roars across the soundtrack as we watch the Hot Spy Sisters of SoCal shoot the shit outta their targets.
"Big Brat" carries us over into Monte Carlo and I'm reminded of how much I love the Planet (only sometimes) and how much I'm in the mood to listen to them (but only right this minute) and how my CD is actually at work and how I must now exist on a small taste of the Planet from the iTunes store because I sure as hell am not going to download a song I already own and -- yeah. I just downloaded it. I'm an ass. MORE CAPPUCCINO.
So. Monte Carlo. The Appleseed Gang are setting up shop in their hotel room. Nadia's dressed as a maid. Weiss walks up, sees her name tag, and comments that he doesn't really buy her as a "Gretchen." Nadia turns and smartasses something at him in German. Weiss is all, whoa. Okay. I stand corrected. And you're hot. Syd checks her watch and tells everyone it's showtime and they have one hour to surveil the room, get in, get the thorine intel, and get the hell out. Nadia moves into position as a maid vacuuming outside Tambor's room. Two guys are guarding the door. While Nadia makes a lot of noise with the vacuum, Syd drills some holes into the wall so that they can spy on Tambor's suite. Vaughn tells Nadia that she's clear. Well, actually, he says, "Evergreen. You're clear." So, um, Nadia's code name is "Evergreen." That just…that's not even funny. Well, it's kind of funny. But only if, every time you see Nadia, you start singing, "Looooove. Soft as an easy chaaaaaair. Looooove. Fresh as the mooooorning air. OOOOOONE LOVE THAT IS SHAAAAARED BY TWOOOOO…"
Seriously. No more coffee.
As some spytastic piano music plays, Syd and gang set up the cameras and audio. Inside Tambor's room, the man himself has shown up, and he takes a set at his laptop while the Appleseed Gang watch. Nadia knocks on a door. "Housekeeping!" Down the hall, a well-dressed woman exits the elevator, followed closely by a porter who's loaded down with about ninety bags of swag. This will be important in a couple of minutes, don't you worry. The door to the Appleseed suite opens up and Weiss is there. "Oh, I'm sorry, I ordered a French maid." Heh. Nadia just grins at him and enters the room.
Syd, watching the monitors, says that Tambor's laptop is their first priority and their second is the PDA. Weiss is mystified as to why Tambor hasn't left for the casino yet. Well, as it turns out, Tambor isn't so interested in the gambling as he is in the soccer game he's just turned on. Marshall finds out who's playing and it's the Slovak Devils or something. Sloane pipes up that Tambor owns the team. Uh-oh. The Appleseed Gang is all, dammit. Now what do we do? Vaughn's all, dudes. We don't get in there tonight, we lose the thorine. Nadia's all, hold the phone. See that perfume on the table? I hate that shit. Smells like patchouli. The Hot Spy Sisters suddenly become Super Hot Super Spy Sisters by going all "It's Elementary, My Dear Watson" on their boyfriends. They look around Tambor's room and, judging by the perfume, slingbacks, champagne bottles, and gossip rags, they figure out Tambor has a girlfriend who has expensive tastes and likes to party rockstar style. Nadia goes off to "get what [they] need." Weiss is all, uh, what's happening? Syd fills everyone in on the girlfriend scenario and how, since Girlfriend likes to party and Tambor's just sitting around the hotel room, Girlfriend's their way in.
Sloane states that they have no intel on Girlfriend, so they'll be going in blind. He obviously doesn't like the idea. Jack asks how Syd proposes to find Girlfriend. Syd's all, her purse is still there, so I'd wager that she's downstairs getting good and liquored up at the hotel bar. All Syd and Nadia need to do is get to Girlfriend and get her to take them to her room. Vaughn smiles at her and Syd's all, whuh? Why're you smiling? Vaughn's all, heeyuk-yuk, I dunno. My girlfriend's all smart and shit, that's all. Heeyuk-yuk. Nadia enters, her arms loaded down with the bags from the well-dressed woman we just saw not a minute before. Weiss is all, where'd you get this stuff? Nadia's all, I borrowed it. Weiss is all, you stole it, didn't you! My girl stole stuff! I dig her the most, heeyuk-yuk. Both Weiss and Vaughn are all googly-eyed over their girlfriends and it really is the funniest and cutest part of this whole damn episode.
Sloane buzzkills the cuteness with an announcement about how this little trick of theirs could jeopardize the entire operation. "Tambor's security team saw you. If they recognize you as the maid, they will not hesitate to take action." "With all due respect," says Nadia, "no one pays attention to the help. I promise they won't recognize me." Syd pulls a dress out of a bag and holds it up to her body and then shoots an adorable glance at Nadia. It's really cute. They're playing dress-up! With stolen clothes! Let's play Barbies ! I get to be Skipper!
Later, in the hotel bar, Syd and Nadia perform a tandem rendition of the Derevko Swagger. It used to be the Bristow Swagger, but since all four Derevko women (Syd, Nadia, Irina, and Katya) seem to have the same walk, I'm changing it to Derevko. They definitely don't get their bump and grind from their fathers, yo. Nadia makes her way past the people at the bar and tells Syd she smells patchouli, so they have their mark. Syd makes a fake phone call to a fake asshole and pretends that she's being stood up. Girlfriend hears all this (as intended) and shoots Syd a glance. "Men suck, don't they?" says Syd. Girlfriend agrees, and soon the girls are fast friends and heading up to Tambor's room with an open bottle of champagne. Girlfriend's name, by the way, is Bridget, which…yeah. She's supposed to be Russian, no? I don't know many Russian people (read: none), but I'm willing to bet there aren't a whole lot of 'em running around with Irish first names.
Tambor's Room of Super Hot Super Spy Sisters. Tambor's watching the game. Bridget goes off to change and orders the girls to make themselves at home. Syd moves into position at the laptop while Nadia parks it on the sofa to Tambor and starts grilling him about the soccer game. She seems to know an awful lot about soccer and this works in her favor with Tambor. Meanwhile, Syd pulls some device out of her purse and starts copying the hard drive. "She's cloning the hard drive and he's in the room," says Vaughn, with more than a note of admiration in his voice. "How the hell does she know so much about the Slovak Devils?" says Weiss with equal admiration. "Was that in the file?" "Maybe she's just a soccer fan," quips Vaughn. "Oh, god, this is the greatest girl ever," says Weiss. Hee. They lurve their super hot super spy girlfriends.
Syd completes the copying job and Vaughn announces that she's done. "I didn't know you liked soccer," says Vaughn. "I do now," says Weiss. "Oh, and, by the way, it's called fútbol." "I'm sorry --" says Vaughn with a raised eyebrow. "Fútbol," says Weiss. "Fútbol," says Vaughn. "Fuuuut--" "Right, right." Hee. This whole scene is awesome. Back in the room, Nadia manages to nab Tambor's PDA, and Syd walks over with a gossip rag and takes the PDA from her without Tambor seeing it. Genius. Back with the boys, more Mutual Admiration Society is taking place. Weiss is all, dude! Did you see that? My girl palmed the PDA! I showed her that with a card trick! DAYUM. Vaughn is all, ha ha ha, I GET IT ALREADY. YOU DIG HER. Weiss is all, FAZHAM. Vaughn is all, fuh-whuh? Weiss is all, FAZHAM. Vaughn is all, YOU NEED TO LIE DOWN. God, Michael Vartan is so cute it makes my eyes water.
Again with the Super Hot Super Spy Sisters, Syd's cloned the PDA and is now handing it back to Nadia. They engage in a little fake gossip rag discussion to distract Tambor and then we move on to the funniest moment in the entire episode. The Boys are still watching the monitors and, in this really quiet voice, Weiss goes, "It wouldn't be weird for you, would it? Us dating sisters?" And Vaughn just looks over at Weiss with this expression of, "Dude? You have officially LOST it." It's awesome. His eyebrow is cocked and his mouth is twisted and he's just like, man. ENOUGH ALREADY. YOU NEED TO GET LAID. PREFERABLY BEFORE THE MISSION. The reason it's so funny, though, isn't just the expression, but that right after he shoots Weiss the look, he just…slowly turns back to watching the monitor, as if he's secretly hoping that if he doesn't look at Weiss, he'll somehow cease to exist. I am falling out laughing. And it's not just because I'm more hyped up than a fat blue Persian kitty on catnip right about now.
Tambor's room. Nadia goes to put Tambor's PDA back in his pocket, but he gets up in anger at some soccer play and she has to shove the PDA into the sofa crevice. Tambor gets up to get more brandy and Nadia shoots a look at Sydney all, dude? No go on the PDA. Bridget, or Bitchit, as I'm now calling her, reenters, dressed to the nines in a new outfit. Syd and Nadia crow over it as Tambor suddenly realizes his PDA is missing. He shouts for a guard to come in and check their bags. Luckily, Syd hid her device or whatever in her gaping cleavage, so the guard finds nothing in her purse. Nadia dropped the PDA over on the sofa, so the guard finds nothing in her purse either. Both Syd and Nadia pretend to be outraged that they're getting searched. Nadia "finds" the PDA on the sofa and bitches at Tambor, "Is this what you were freaking out about?" He grabs it and the girls leave, grousing to Bitchit about what a drag her boyfriend is. Once outside the room, the Super Hot Super Spy sisters share a congratulatory smile at a job well done.
Hell-Lay. Sloane's Office of West Elm Furniture. Sloane's chewing out Nadia and Sydney about disobeying a direct order. Nadia's all, we got what we needed, didn't we? Sloane's all, you report directly to me and yet you openly defied my orders. Syd's all, we did what we were tasked to do. End of story. Fuck you. She starts to leave, and Sloane's all, um, dude? YOU ANSWER TO ME. Nadia, eating a little bit of humble pie with a nice side of appease the dumbass boss potatoes, just says that he's right, they shouldn't have disregarded a direct order and it won't happen again. "Just so we don't have these misunderstandings again, let me be clear to both of you," says Sloane. "Questioning my authority, whether it's in this office or in the field, is unacceptable." "Unacceptable?" snits Sydney. "Coming from you, that's almost funny." Nadia's all, dude. Ixnay on the itsnay.
Syd's totally not listening to her; instead, she moves over to Sloane and basically just goes OFF on him about what is and what is not acceptable. It's totally unprofessional and a throwback to something Syd might have done way back in the beginning of Season Three and it doesn't really further the plot, especially considering that we're backtracking here about three episodes. The best part of the entire bitchy speech is that the expression on Sloane's face never changes, not once. His eyes remain half-hooded and he just calmly looks at Sydney like, "Oh, why don't you just can it, you snotty little brat. I've killed people over less. Before breakfast. And without coffee. So how about you turn that frown upside down and go get me a bagel?"
So Syd yammers on and on and on, right in front of her sister and right in the middle of the office, and winds up the speech by mentioning Francie and Danny and DIDN'T DANNY DIE, LIKE, FOUR YEARS AGO, LIKE, LET IT GO ALREADY FOR FUCK'S SAKE. I mean, yeah, Sloane's a snake and he's probably up to no good, but hauling out the dead fiancé and roommate baggage again? That shit's so old it has a layer of dust on it. GET A NEW COMPLEX, SYDNEY. Sloane's response to all this? "I see." Hee. See? Syd gets all worked up and foams at the mouth and it does absolutely nothing to ruffle Sloane's feathers. Nothing. So, in the end, all she winds up doing is making a complete and utter ass out of herself, and Sloane just blinks his hooded eyes and thinks about killing puppies. Marshall enters and says he broke Tambor's encryption program and the sale of the black thorine goes down in sixteen hours. Everyone scrambles, except, of course, for Sloane, who's too busy thinking about strangling kittens to get overly excited about some black thorine sale.
Oh. I see I forgot to add something. SHUT UP, SYDNEY.
Conference Room of Endless Expositions. The troops are told that Tambor's boat is in the sea off Turkey, so, in order to get on it and stop the sale of the thorine, they'll have to go in stealth. You know what that means. WETSUITS. Vaughn asks if they know who the buyer is. Jack's all, no, but we do know where the thorine is stored. Oh. I see. Don't know who the buyer is, but know where shit's stored on the boat? Yes. Because that totally makes all sorts of sense. We know where the boat is, who's on it, where stuff is stored, BUT WE DON'T KNOW WHO'S BUYING THINGS. Like, whatever. I'm totally over this episode right now. Get to the chicks in wetsuits, because we all know that's what this entire episode has been gearing up to.
Marshall gobbledy-gooks some crap about the safe where the thorine is stored and none of it makes any sense, nor does it have anything to do with anything, and the only thing we need to know is that Tambor has a safe within a safe and that the safe within a safe has a randomized lock or something and the combination appears on some keycard with an LCD screen that Tambor will most likely have on his person somewhere. God. Shut up, Marshall. Okay. Wait until after this bit, and then you can shut up. Because Marshall's showing off some monitor or something and he has to open up a small black box for some reason and he leans over to Jack and goes, "Will you marry me, Mr. Bristow?" That, in and of itself, isn't funny, but Jack's thirty-second-long expression of "Is this guy KIDDING?" to the rest of the table is goddamn priceless. You just know Victor Garber had to do everything in his power not to fall off his chair laughing.
So, whatever, the lock thing? Yeah, Marshall has some wave camera or something that lets you see the LCD screen through Tambor's clothing. Honestly, I have no idea. I don't care. Let's get on with the damn episode and move on to the one, because Sark shows up week and it just hasn't been the same without him and already I'm losing interest in this season and we're not even halfway through it yet, goddammit. Sloane tells Vaughn and Dixon that this is their op and he's sending them to the ship. Sydney, not satisfied with ripping Sloane a new one not five minutes ago, snits that she'd like to finish what she started. Nadia wants in on that action. Sloane obviously doesn't answer right away, because we leave this scene and follow Jack as he follows Sloane into the West Elm Furniture office.
Jack's trying to convince Sloane to let them go because they're the best divers of the entire team. Oh, and they look better in wetsuits than Dix and Vaughn. (Although, really, I wouldn't mind seeing Vaughn in a wetsuit. Or out of one, if you know what I mean, and I really, really, really think you do.) Sloane's all, dude? If I let them go on this op, especially with the way Sydney's going all hissy on me, it would be tantamount to rewarding them both for insubordination. Heh. He's all, where's the love, Jackie? I thought I'd have your support on this. Jack's all, you know, the nuances of fatherhood may elude me, but there's one thing I know for sure. "You are not going to forge any kind of bond with Nadia if you keep her from working with her sister," he finishes, drawing a look of mild concern from Sloane.
Black Sea of Super Hot Super Spy Sisters. Tambor's boat is cruising along in broad daylight. Tambor's entertaining a bunch of swarthy guys and one fat cat in a red suit and Carrie Donovan glasses. Bitchit's there, pouring herself a martini and generally giving her boyfriend a hard time. Outside, Syd and Nadia are climbing up a rope to the boat deck. They check in with base and state that they're moving to the lower deck and that they'll be radio silent until they reach the safe. Good thing Tambor's more worried about his safe-within-a-safe thing than upper deck security. I mean, did Syd and Nadia take out everyone on the upper deck? They just climb up, dump their gear, and make it below deck without a single ripple? The hell?
Whatever. It's almost over. In the safe room, Syd sets up the camera and gets a visual on the room door where Tambor and his guests are shooting the shit. Sloane sees the image of the people in the room and asks Marshall to pull up everything they have on Leo Orissa. Apparently, Sloane knows the guy. Tambor hands the little LCD card to one of his henchmen, saying that he's ready to hand over the thorine to Leo. Leo, however, wants someone to perform a little test on the stuff, just to make sure it's the real deal. Nadia works on the safe and opens the door, revealing the inner safe and keypad. Dix enhances an image of Tambor, getting the keycode off the card when it was in his chest pocket. The card's now in the henchman's hand, so they must be getting the code off an old picture and WHY AM I EVEN THINKING THIS HARD ABOUT THIS?
Whatever, again, some more. Nadia gets into the inner safe and announces that they need a bigger case because there are approximately twenty vials of the black thorine hidden away in the safe. Suddenly, Syd sees the guys heading for the safe room, and she orders Nadia to close everything up and they run off to hide. Tambor's henchman and Leo's henchman enter the room and Tambor's guy gets the safe open. Back with Tambor, he's asking Leo what he plans to do with the thorine once he has it. Leo's all, you know, it's interesting that you should ask that, because, actually, we plan on taking over your whole damn business. Tambor's all, ha ha ha! Isn't that funny! Back with Sloane, Marshall's all, dude. You know this guy? Sloane's all, he's an old friend. Marshall's all, bad-ass friend, my man.
Back again with Tambor, Leo's still laughing, but Tambor's giggles have suddenly dried up because he pretty much realizes that Leo ain't joking. Bitchit pulls a big ol' submachine gun out from the bar cart and shoots at Tambor. She misses and he escapes. door in the safe room, Leo's henchman shoots Tambor's dead. Syd and Nadia can do nothing but watch. In the other room, Leo's men take out the rest of Tambor's men. Once Leo's man leaves the safe room, Syd and Nadia rush out. It's unclear where they're going or why Leo's men don't come across them, but I don't think it really matters because this show is almost over and I honestly don't care anymore.
Up on deck, Bitchit and Leo are looking for Tambor and they appear to be heading for the prow of the ship. Which, actually, is where Syd and Nadia are, right this minute. They throw on their SCUBA gear and jump back into the water just as Tambor makes his way to the prow. Bitchit and Leo meet him there and she says, "You don't treat a girlfriend like that." Then she shoots him dead and his body falls into the water, drifting past Syd and Nadia, who are bobbing there, sharing an air tank. Sloane tries to get them on comms, but they're underwater, so they can't hear him.
Back in the safe room, Leo's dudes collect the thorine. Back down in the water, Syd and Nadia resurface and let base know that Tambor and his men are dead. Sloane tells them that he knows Leo and that he used to work with him back when he was the head of SD-6. Nadia tells base that Tambor had at least ten vials in the safe, which means that he's been manufacturing it. Jack rightly surmises that this means Tambor must have a plant somewhere and that Leo probably knows where it is. Sloane orders Nadia to take out the henchmen, and then orders Syd to go talk to Leo and pretend that she's working for Sloane. In the bad way. Sloane says that in order for this to work, Syd's going to have to suck it up and trust him. Syd just looks at her sister, and we go to commercial so that we can drag out the last twenty minutes of this bitch even though nothing much happens during it.
Syd heads up some stairs, totally rocking her black wetsuit. Leo and Bitchit are enjoying a nice post-kill glass of champagne. Syd's all, hiya! Bitchit points a gun at her and Syd's all, uh, my employer won't be happy if you kill me. Leo's all, oh yeah? Who do you work for? Sloane's all, tell him, honey. Syd's all, Arvin Sloane. Leo reaches over and makes Bitchit put the gun down. Downstairs, Nadia takes out the henchman with the thorine and runs off with the cases. Back up on deck, Leo's surprised to hear that Arvin wants 50% of the Tambor business. "I came unarmed, out of respect," says Syd. "So that we could talk. Like…gentlemen." Heh. Bitchit's all, you are NOT seriously considering making a deal with this skag, are you? Sloane orders Syd to make sure that Bitchit doesn't derail this deal.
"I'd keep my mouth shut, if I were you," Syd says smartly. "You're the one who made it easy. You practically drew us a map." Leo quickly turns to Bitchit. "You? You led Sloane to me?!" "I thought she was just some kind of --" WHAM! Leo smacks her and she goes down hard. Downstairs, Nadia takes out yet another henchman and retrieves yet more black thorine. Upstairs, Leo agrees to Sloane's terms. Why? Does it matter? No. No, it does not. Syd just says that Sloane will be pleased, but that she needs a sign of good faith. "What more does he want?" asks Leo. "The location of the lab," says Syd. Back downstairs, Nadia's interrupted mid-removal by the last of Leo's henchmen. He puts a gun to her head and tells her not to move. She ignores him and whips around, kicking the gun out of his hand. And then they fight.
Back with Syd, Sloane's ordering her to mention his friend Dr. Chaleb and what Sloane did to him when Chaleb betrayed him. In Syd's earpiece, Sloane relates a charming story of how he basically burned Chaleb alive. "I imagine he spends days…nights…wishing I'd finished the job…wishing that he were dead," says Sloane without any emotion whatsoever. Damn. Syd repeats this story to Leo, who gets this look on his face like, yeah, yeah, I remember that story and NOW I WANT TO VOMIT. Back with Nadia…and then they still fight. She drops him, of course, and continues getting the thorine.
Syd's elaborates on Sloane's story, saying that Arvin Sloane is cruel and inhuman, and that if Leo makes this difficult, Sloane will not hesitate to come after his ass. Oh, and his friends, family, dogs, cats, horses -- they're all dead too. Or, you know, burned alive. As Syd says all this, Jack carefully watches Sloane, who shows little or no emotion. "If he chooses to let you live," says Syd, obviously talking more about herself than Leo, "you'll spend every waking minute of your life reminded of what he's cost you. Word to the wise -- give him what he wants." Everyone back at the Apple Store is all…awkward as they look at Sloane. Hee. Sloane finally shows a bit of emotion here, and it's mostly a subtle look in his eyes that's like, damn. I AM a bad mutha. Sorry y'all. I really DO suck.
Back with Leo, he gives up the lab location faster than you can say, "You're a dead man." Bitchit's had enough of his spinelessness and she just picks up her gun and shoots him right in the forehead. Syd knocks the gun out of her hand…and then they fight. Bitchit gains the upper hand once they fly over the side onto a lower deck. She grabs some rope and starts to strangle Syd, but Nadia shows up and kicks Bitchit's ASS. Bitch falls and we think that's the end of her, but she quickly gains purchase and reaches for a gun. Syd thinks quickly and grabs another gun and shoots Bitchit dead. Huh. That's another person Syd's personally killed this season. No more knives to fall on, I guess.
Syd gets on comms and tells everyone that they're ready for pickup. At the Apple Store, Jack tells Sloane that he did what he had to do. "Yes," says Sloane, removing his earpiece. "Although I imagine that it's the last time I'll be working with your daughter." Once again, Ron Rifkin proves how much he rocks, because there's this little moment before he turns and walks away where you can see how much what Sydney said hurt him. It's just there, behind his eyes. You can see it if you look really carefully. Jack looks after him and pulls the Bristow lip purse out of cold storage.
After yet another break, we wrap up tonight's episode with a little Super Hot Super Spy Sister heart-to-heart over a big bottle of Russian vodka. They congratulate each other on a job well done. We learn that Nadia was recruited from her juvenile detention home. She was reckless and angry as a youth, and some judge said he thought she was lost. Her training agent told her that she was good at getting in and out of situations without being noticed, not to mention the fact that she had no one -- no family, no ties. "I couldn't be compromised because I was alone," she says. "I always thought that's what made me a good spy." "And now?" asks Syd. "I might have been wrong," says Nadia, smiling at her sister. Aw.
Apple Store. It's obviously a day or two later, and Nadia's sitting at her desk while Weiss tries to charm her with a card trick. He wows her with a Queen of Spades switch and she smiles big and bright. "Your smile is so unbelievable," he says, totally squicking me out. That's something you say in the privacy of a romantic dinner date or something; it's not what you say in the middle of a cheesy card trick IN THE CENTER OF YOUR OFFICE. God. Could they make him seem more desperate and sad? The thing you know, he's going to be Googling Irkustk and looking for a wife. Vaughn walks up and asks if they're going or not. Weiss is all, yes, we're going; we're just busy flirting here, thanks. Again, NOT SOMETHING YOU SAY AT THE OFFICE. I don't care that they face death and danger every damn day, HAVE SOME OFFICE DECORUM. Lord.
Elsewhere, Syd stalks toward Sloane's Office of West Elm Furniture. He tells her that Langley is pleased and that the raid on the black thorine lab was successful. He goes on to say that Angela Bassett is expecting a call from Sydney, requesting a transfer from the Apple Store. Sloane assumes that this is what Sydney wants. "I want to make something clear," says Sydney. "I will never forgive you for what you did to me. To the people I love. No amount of time or distance will ever change that." She straightens up. "I'll see you tomorrow." She swaggers off and joins Vaughn and Nadia and Weiss as Sloane looks after her with the slightest smile in his eyes. Heh. He's totally up to no good.
week: Anna! Sark! Do I really have to say anything more? I see that I don't.