Once upon a time, in a television reality far, far away, there was a girl named Sydney who worked for the bad guys even though she thought they were the good guys. And then there was some shooting. And some lying. And some kissing. And then it all went to hell when some smart guy decided to blow up SD-6 and then Syd disappeared for two years but then she didn't remember and Vaughn married someone else but she was a spy but she didn't start out that way it was just that the fans didn't like her so the writers decided to make her a bad guy or girl or whatever, and then Lena Olin didn't come back and I cried and then I drank and then the season came to an end and Sydney supposedly found out that her whole life was basically a setup but that doesn't really matter right now because nothing that happened last season or the season before that or the season before that really matters because we're starting all over, from the very beginning, that's a very good place to start and kill me before I start singing about edelweiss.
If you want to know what happened last season, or any other season, if you're even remotely interested, then you know where the recaps are, children. I suggest you do some light reading on your lunch hour.
We open on a door that's lit from behind. To the strains of "At Last," as sung by Etta James, the door opens andthere is Sydney, clad only in a filmy white negligee and matching panties. She's also wearing a blonde wig, so we know she's on an assignment and not meeting Vaughn for a little nookie-on-the-rails action. This is actually a really nice moment, with the music and the opening shot, because it's like the Alias team is going, "Heh. Yeah. We're back. And it's been awhile. So, at last, here's what you've been waiting for." If what we'd been waiting for was a bunch of outlandishly expository scenes strung loosely together by a bunch of outlandishly elaborate fight sequences. What? You don't agree? Too bad. I'm putting you on mute.
So, anyway, Syd performs the Bristow/Derevko swagger down a hallway and turns into a room where a nerdy man is sitting and waiting for her. Syd does this hilarious little skirt pull with the negligee top that's kind of sex-kitten-y without being gross. According to the captioning, Syd asks if the negligee is okay for her in a Swedish accent. Glad the captioning was there to provide that bit of clarity; I thought it was a French accent myself. ["I thought it was Russian. You learn something new every day." -- Sars] Syd continues the faux Bardot act and they engage in some dumb dialogue that really does nothing to further the story, so I'll leave it out. Also? This scene is only going to lead us to one of those "72 hours earlier" plot devices I hate so very much, so I really don't see the point in recapping it in its entirety since I'm just going to have to do it all over again in about seven paragraphs.
“ 'I suppose I have something to learn,' slimes Sloane, moving toward her, 'about being a father.' Oh, ew. EW. I'd say you DO have something to learn about being a father, Sloane. Especially since your idea of 'being a father' involves jacking your kid full of Green Goo and channeling ancient beings through her soul. ”
Vaughn sits up on his elbow and asks Syd why Jack is delivering messages through Vaughn. He goes on to say that, when he was in D.C., he knew that Syd went to Wittenberg and that Jack was there. Syd kind of breathes deeply and looks uncomfortable. "What happened in Wittenberg?" he asks, allowing us to take a trip through time back to Wittenberg. Want to know what happened? Follow the link, children. Trust me. There's nothing different. Oh, except we don't see that whole "Sydney was born to be a spy, no really, NO REALLY, in as much as we HAD HER so we could TURN HER INTO A SPY and make sure she BROUGHT THE PROPHECY TO LIFE" thing that we pretty much saw on one of the black pages and that ABC actually was stupid enough to post on their website. Back in the present day, Vaughn asks if Syd wants to tell him what happened in Wittenberg. No, actually, she doesn't. And that's the end of that. Or, you know, it's the end of that until Syd tells him all about it later on in the episode.
Conference Room of Endless Exposition. Sloane's talking about Rick Yune and how he works for Roman Vadik, a bad dude who's number twenty-six on the CIA's most wanted list. He's responsible for all sorts of bad shit, some of which Sloane rattles off, but which I can't be arsed to Google. Vadik's planning a major terrorist attack within the six months and it's the Apple Store's job to take him out of commission. Syd wants to know what their move is, and Sloane responds that a foreign agent managed to get very close to Vadik's operations last year, so Syd's job is to head out and debrief the agent. He dismisses everyone else and tells Syd they'll continue their conversation in the Office of Inappropriate Touching.
We get a kind of odd shot of Jack entering his own office and sitting down at his desk as Sloane, off in his own office in the distance, fills Sydney in on her assignment. Jack looks over at Sloane and Sydney just as Sloane informs her that the agent she's supposed to debrief was with Argentine intelligence. "Your daughter?" Syd asks. "Your sister," volleys Sloane. Heh. He's a bastard. Syd asks why Sloane doesn't just debrief his daughter himself. Sloane then launches into yet another ludicrous expository speech about how he and Nadia went off in search of that Rambaldi "sphere of life" or whatever and how they found it andpromptly handed it over to the U.S. government. Yeah. And if you buy that, I've got a lovely little bit of property for sale known as CHINA. I'll give it to you cheap. Hell, I'll even throw in a bottle of OxyClean.
So, whatever, Sloane and Nadia are the "good guys." Right. Syd rightly surmises that handing over the Rambaldi artifact bought Sloane his position as head of the Apple Store. Sloane sort of ignores the comment and just says that Nadia felt a lot of pain while she was working for the Argentine government and she opted not to join him at the Apple Store. "You sure she really left?" asks Syd. "Fake quitting seems to be all the rage." Hee. I like the new Snarky Syd. She's fun. "She's ooouuut," Sloane snarls hilariously. "She's back in Argentina. She wants nothing to do with me, or this life." He takes a sip from his own personal supply of Rambaldi Life Juice and eyes her. "You're awfully glib, Sydney." "Nadia left you on bad terms," she smirks. "I suppose I have something to learn," slimes Sloane, moving toward her, "about being a father." Oh, ew. EW. I'd say you DO have something to learn about being a father, Sloane. Especially since your idea of "being a father" involves jacking your kid full of Green Goo and channeling ancient beings through her soul.