Regina: Look. I'm not saying I don't like the show anymore. I'm just saying I was slightly underwhelmed by this season.
Wendy Kroy: [silence]
Regina: So, what? You're not going to be talking to me during this entire episode?
Wendy Kroy: [silence]
Regina: Okay. Fine. Then I'm to drink all the vodka, smoke all the cigarettes, eat all the snacks, and you don't get to fondle Julio.
Wendy Kroy: [muttered under breath] You bitch.
Regina: I can see we're getting off to a lovely start. If you're not going to talk, make yourself useful and fire up the fountain filled with Stoli. There's no way in hell I'm starting this thing sober.
Previously on Alias: The show aired on Sundays; had lots of breaks in between; often made no sense; had great actors, fun plotlines, hot guys, and cool chicks; and Jack Bristow was not an evil Machiavellian control freak who had basically orchestrated his daughter's destiny from the moment she was born.
Or something like that.
In case you've forgotten, in the episodes, Jack handed Vaughn the key to his Warehouse of How to Forget Your Wife Duped You paraphernalia, and Vaughn paid it a visit. Katya, Irina's sister, showed up long enough to save Syd's ass and pretend to be a good guy. That'll be important here in a bit. Sark tortured Vaughn, who, thankfully, remained shirtless for much of the episode. And Nadia, Syd's sister, can channel Rambaldi. We know this because Syd repeats that entire storyline toward the end of the previouslys. God. It's only the previouslys and I'm already annoyed. Syd saves Nadia, and that's where we pick up.
Well, at least, that would be where we picked up if we weren't following a rather silent Sydney on her way into Oops Center. Syd passes a receptionist as the Techno Beats of Isn't That Black Eyeliner I See? thrum across the soundtrack. Syd drops a coffee container into a garbage can, and the receptionist buzzes her in. Once inside, Syd kind of touches her eye weirdly, probably to make sure the black eyeliner is still in place, then places a card in a reader as a red light scans her retinas. She gains entrance to another hall, drops something else in another garbage can, approaches another card reader, enters the card, and a little tube pops out. Syd places a plastic sleeve around it, sprays some Binaca Breath Disguiser into her mouth, puts her lips around the plastic sleeve and blows, thereby gaining entrance to Oops Center. Yeah. If you didn't already know this was Moronen disguised as Syd, that little trick with the Binaca blast should have clued you in.
So, of course, Moronen/Syd gets into Oops Center and starts leaving little bombs -- erm, "phones" -- in strategic places around the office. She drops one final phone onto the in tray on her desk and stalks off. Marshall passes, saying "hi," but Moronen/Syd doesn't respond because voice-disguising vocal chord chips are way out of the realm of reality, much as incredibly life-like facial masks are. This show involves some hilariously whacked-out technology, I know, but borrowing the masks from Mission: Impossible for the season finale? Weak, dudes. Weak.
Dixon's Office Of Let's Waste Some More of the Viewers' Precious Time. Marshall enters and, for those of us in the cheap seats, reminds everyone that he's working on a way to figure out the location of the Rambaldi thingy they were all discussing at the end of the last episode. Marshall suggests that perhaps Rambaldi was treating himself to the occasional dip in the wacky weed, because the algorithms that Marshall's trying to decipher are some seriously weird shit, dudes. Dixon is not amused. Neither am I, really, but I'll always have a soft spot for Marshall. Dix informs Marshall that what they're looking for at the location would appear to be Rambaldi himself, which would be weird, considering he's dead. Or actually Jack Bristow. I'm just guessing here. There's more blathering from Marshall and somehow it comes out that he'll have the problem solved in eight hours, and then Marshall finally gets the hint that Dix doesn't want him around, and leaves.
Meanwhile, Moronen/Syd makes it into the room where Marshall's solving the location problem, and she parks it and informs someone over comm that she's patching into the feed. She does this in her own voice, by the way, which is really odd considering that it's coming out of Syd's mouth. And Syd's teeth are nowhere NEAR as protruded as they need to be in order to make Moronen's voice coming out of Syd's mouth make ANY sense. So, yeah, whatever; Sark's the one Moronen's talking to, and he's out in his car, harboring masturbatory fantasies about Moronen in her Syd disguise. Can anyone else out there see his right hand? All hands on deck, Sarkie. I have no interest in seeing you get familiar with Lil Sarkie, okay?
Wendy Kroy: Well, I certainly do!
Regina: It speaks!
Wendy Kroy: Oh, I'll speak up in favor of Sark jerk--
Regina: Don't.
Wendy Kroy: What?
Regina: Just…don't.
Wendy Kroy: [seething silence]
Regina: That's better.
Moronen/Syd continues futzing with Marshall's work, and then she tells Sark she's uploading the Rambaldi equation now. And that's when Marshall enters. He's all, hey, Syd, whassup? You seen my USB key? Blah blah blah, my baby, bling blam blooey, duplicates of the USB key, flim flam flotsam, hey there, is Moronen getting her gun ready, click clack clatter, ha! found the USB key, yimmer yammer ying yang, see ya later, Syd -- hey, why are you downloading the Rambaldi equa--BANG! That's right, Moronen shoots our little Marshall. Right in the gut. He goes down with a moderate look of surprise. Moronen informs Sark that she has the equation and that she's going to corrupt the database. Her dirty work done, Moronen finally leaves. Marshall just bleeds.
As soon as Moronen exits the room, Marshall struggles up and hits a hidden button beneath his desk. An alarm goes off. And, no, before you can ask, it's not a SILENT alarm. It's a big, honking, decibel-creaking SCREECHER of an alarm. Yeah. Because that's not gonna tip her off or anything. Moronen just tells Sark to activate the countermeasures. "Head down, love," says Sark in response, hitting a button on a device. A bomb goes off four feet away from Moronen as she just keeps walking. Vaughn sees her. "Sydney!" he shouts. Moronen ignores him and continues on her way. "Call on line one, Mr. Vaughn," snarks Sark. Hee. Another bomb goes off. And another. And another. Vaughn chases after Moronen. More bombs. Weiss finds Marshall. Jack runs up, and somehow, Weiss knows where the bombing remote is located. Stunningly, it's the exact location where Sark is right at this moment. Can you believe it? But of course, Jack probably already knew that. Because he's eeeeevil, don't ya know?
He's playing the good guy at the moment, though, and he informs someone via cell phone that they have a location on one of the intruders. And Moronen's running right toward him, actually. With Vaughn following closely behind. Before he can catch up, however, Moronen leaps out from the shadows and smacks him with a crowbar or something. The camera pans down, the crowbar is tossed onto his chest, the camera pans back up, and we see Moronen removing her Sydney mask, just like when Drew Barrymore removed her LL Cool J mask in the first Charlie's Angels. Despite the dumbass masks, it's a nice camera move, even though we totally know that Jennifer Garner did the initial hit, threw the crowbar, leapt out of the way, and Melissa George stepped in to complete the scene. And yes, Ken Olin is our director boyfriend. He really is. So, Moronen runs off just as Sark is caught by all sorts of CIA cars. God. This guy honestly gets caught all the time. Maybe he really liked his crib as a baby or something, because he sure as hell loves being behind bars.
I have to apologize here, because I lost about two minutes of the show. The two minutes right before commercial, to be exact. Goddamn Chicago tornadoes. And the tornadoes weren't even IN Chicago! They were in, like, fucking WAUKEGAN or something. SO WHAT? SHOW THE FINALE! Who cares about the weather when you have a finale to recap? All I know is, Moronen slammed out of some doors after braining Vaughn with the crowbar and -- special report. That's it. Special fucking report. For what? Some RAIN, people. And some flooding. What is this, biblical times? Do I have to get two of every mutt in the neighborhood and look for high land? Because if I don't, then PLAY THE FUCKING FINALE.
So, yeah, I missed the final Alias dance. That just seems…wrong. When the report ended, we were already into commercials. After the commercials, Syd had already been taken to custody and was engaging in a face-to-face with Cotter Smith, Mel Harris's husband. You remember her from thirtysomething, don't you? That's what I thought. Way to keep your old friend's husband in dollars, Ken Olin. So, I'm assuming what I missed during the special report was that Moronen got away and Syd was taken into custody. And that's it. If it's anything more extensive than that, I'm sure one (or one hundred) of you will let me know.
Oops Center Interrogation Room. Syd's sitting at a table, and Cotter Smith enters. He's a counterterrorist threat analyst. Or something. Syd wants to know why she's there. Cotter's all, uh, because you blew up Oops Center. Or had you forgotten? He says she was logged in around 7:30 PM at Nadia's safe house. Syd rather snottily agrees that she was there and that she brought her sister a sandwich. I understand that being hauled out of your house with no explanation as to why can be rather irritating, but she's acting as if Cotter had an affair with her mother and it produced a sister she never knew about or something. She's like, what's this all about, peon? Cotter fills her in on the bombing, and Syd's flabbergasted. She's all, how is that even -- Cotter just flips up a laptop screen, and Syd's treated to the vision of Moronen-as-her, sitting at the computer console, and Marshall, entering and then getting shot. Syd's all, dude! Marshall! Is he okay? Was anyone…was anyone killed? "It would do you good if you had an alibi," is all Cotter will say. Syd just stares at him.
Outside in Oops Center proper, everyone's getting bandaged up and attended to. One guy actually appears to weep openly over a fallen fax machine. Yeah. I don't know. Vaughn enters, bearing his usual expression of the last few episodes: general rage. He passes Jack, who looks after him as if to say, "Hey, kid! Do you know any women I can impregnate for the purposes of creating a Rambaldi child that will grow up and have babies with another Rambaldi child and bring about the destruction of the earth? I gotta schedule to keep!"
Minutes later, Vaughn and Jack are having a private meeting of Cuckolded Husbands Anonymous. "Hi, I'm Vaughn," says Vaughn. "And I'm a rage-aholic who's addicted to chasing down and killing his wife." "Hi, Vaughn!" responds Jack. Vaughn goes on to tell Jack that he used that key Jack gave him, and he's ready to move. As the Shaky Camera of This Is Gritty Realism Here, Pay Attention! jerks all over the place, Jack fills Vaughn in on the plan. Which is, um, namely, to get Moronen before the CIA gets her and puts her into custody. See, once the CIA figures out that Moronen was responsible for the Oops Center bombings, they'll totally chase her down, find her, and incarcerate her, making it nigh on impossible for Vaughn to put several hundred bullets into her and dump her body into a salt pit. Jack doesn't want to see this happen. That's just the kind of guy he is.
Dix walks up and says that Sark ain't talking. Hasn't even requested as much as a glass of water or a lawyer. Jack suggests that Vaughn talk to him. Dix is all, uh, given the fact that Sark just tried to KILL him, do you really think that's a prudent idea? Jack is all, dude? Trust me. Sark's a pussy. The guy's caved before out of fear, and he'll do it again, especially if we send in the guy he so recently tried to torture. Let's go get the little blond bastard. Knowing that Jack's really sending him in there to get Moronen's location out of the little blond bastard (who, yes, I know, is really not so little, but he sometimes has an elfin appearance, so roll with me here), Vaughn just sort of plays down his total and complete joy at the possibility that he'll be able to do really bad things with electric rods and Sark's nipples. "As the director," says Dix, "I can't sanction the beating of anyone in our custody." Hee. He's totally saying, "Dude? I can't sanction it, but in case it happens, KICK HIS ASS." Vaughn agrees to share any intel he receives after breaking all of Sark's knuckles. Unsanctioned, of course.
Interrogation Room of Unsanctioned Beatings. Vaughn enters, wearing one of our favorite blue oxford shirts, rolling up the sleeves. Oh, yum. Really. What sort of good deeds did Michael Vartan perform in a former life that rendered him so totally scrumptious in a blue oxford shirt? It's really not right how good he looks. Especially when he's about to be really, really bad. He walks over to Sark and mentions the recent reversal of roles the two of them have undertaken. "I'm afraid the irony is lost on me," snits Sark. Ah, Sark. Always the smartass. Even when about to be totally tortured. Nice. "You like the electric batons and injections," says Vaughn, leaning close. "I'm not into accessories." Oh, HEE. And Ho. And Yay. Sark's all, dude. No need to hurt me. I'll tell you everything you want. But I'll need something in return. "No deals," says Vaughn. And, well, rightfully so. What the fuck is Sark doing, asking for something? The man he recently ELECTROCUTED is about to go apeshit on his ass. Pony up the score, dude. NOW.
Wendy Kroy: Finally! A little something for the gay!
Regina: Honey? This whole show is a little something for the gay. Wigs? Hot guys? Ridiculous storylines? It's about two kick lines away from being La Cage Aux Folles, okay?
Wendy Kroy: True. But with better lighting.
Regina: And more cocktails.
Wendy Kroy: And Sark. Sigh.
Regina: And Sark. Sigh.
Sark's not biting, though. He's all, oh, well, guess we're at an impasse, then. Won't take Moronen long to solve Rambaldi's equation. Guess you're shit outta luck, huh buddy? Vaughn's all, huh, yeah. Funny how that is. We'd better get started, huh? Where's Moronen? Sark doesn't answer. Vaughn swiftly reaches out and slams Sark's head into the table. Heh. Back with Syd, Cotter's sharing some still shots of the earlier events. Syd's all, dude? I get that you're suspicious, but, uh, whatever was taken, I probably had access to it, and if I didn't, I could've just asked Marshall for it. Like, duh, dude. It ain't me. "It was a Covenant raid," says Cotter. "They got the Rambaldi equation. We apprehended Julian Sark." And we're back with Sark, whose lovely pert little nose has just been smashed. Vaughn pushes his thumb into it. Ew. "Think I broke it," says Vaughn casually, putting his hands in his pocket. "Clearly," snaps Sark. Hee. I gotta say, the first time I watched this scene, I didn't really pay much attention. But having to recap it now, it's making me laugh out loud. Or maybe it's just that this is the first time I've recapped via TiVo, and the ability to pause and have the picture be so crystal clear that I can see every vein standing out on Michael Vartan's tanned forearms is giving me the giggles. "Clearly." Hee hee hee.
"You ready to talk?" asks Vaughn. "Yes," hisses Sark. "When I first learned of your wife's true allegiance, I almost felt pity for you. How embarrassing it must have been to learn the woman you shared your bed with was only using you as an unfortunate means to an end." "I wouldn't do this if I were you," grits Vaughn. "But, then, she wasn't sharing your bed lately was she?" says Sark, ignoring him. "She was in mine. Or in my car. Or an elevator. Or a garage. Or in a field. Or at the HoJo's on the Skyway." He goes on as Vaughn unlocks his left wrist from the chair arm. "There was this one time -- oh, this was my favorite -- we were engaged in an alley. And she called you to tell you to tell she loved you." Vaughn wrenches Sark's arm back behind him. "That woman was deliciously filthy," Sark finally finishes as he gasps a bit in pain. Hee hee hee. Have I mentioned the hee? Vaughn pulls back on Sark's arm even harder as he asks again, where in the hell is Moronen?
And again, back with Syd. She wisely offers up Moronen's name as a suspect, saying she's Covenant and would have access to all the codes and entrances of Oops Center. Cotter just gets up and gets some water. He wants to talk about Nadia. He's all, so this Rambaldi shit? It was implanted in your sister's subconscious? Syd's all, nah, not really. I can't really explain it, because it's so far out of the realm of reality as to be living in a colony on LV-246 along with a bunch of acid-blooded aliens, but basically, she's inherited Rambaldi's DNA. Or something. My sister's innocent, dude. Trust me on this. And, listen, you got any scotch back there? I am suddenly THIRSTY. Cotter's all, dude? Rambaldi refers to you as The Chosen One, your sister's The Passenger and she has Rambaldi DNA inside her, and you expect me to believe that neither of you knows what in the hell is going on around here? Syd's all, I don't care what you believe or don't believe, Cotter, this is a waste of my time.
This scene continues on far too long as Cotter brings up Nadia being held by the Covenant and suggesting that, at that time, she could have been turned or something and got her to work for them, so, you know, when Syd was just hanging out at her cool pad by the ocean and li'l sis called to say she was hungry, Syd would come running, Moronen would know where she was, and Oops Center would be compromised. Yeah. Because that's about as realistic as the M:I masks. And Sydney totally agrees with me. She's basically like, dude? Go play in traffic or something. You are totally barking up the wrong tree. Hell, you're barking up the wrong yard, the wrong subdivision, the wrong damn DISTRICT. Now, if you wanna arrest me, you're gonna have to hold me under the Patriot Act. Cotter just looks at her. Syd's expression is all, no? No Patriot Act, then? Right. That's what I thought. Go back to your thirtysomething wife and your thirtysomething friends and tell Elliot I say, "Hi." "We're through talking," she says, walking toward the exit. Cotter's all, yeah, uh, my report will be on Dixon's desk ASAP and until then, you're reassigned as a desk operative. Syd doesn't even dignify this with a response. She has her hand on the door when Cotter spits out, "You may go." Syd kind of just turns her head slightly to the left as if to say, "Dude? I'm already going. In case you hadn't notice. Way to announce the tiny and ineffectual size of your dick." She leaves.
Back with the Torture Twins, Vaughn's still doing that thing to Sark's arm that's supposed to make him have difficulty breathing or something. I really think he's just pretty much pulling that baby out of its socket at the moment. "I'm not going to kill you," says Vaughn. "That would be too easy. But I'll leave you so disfigured that when you walk down the street, people will pity you." I'm sorry. I didn't realize that at some point during this scene, Buttercup's beloved Westley (a.k.a. "The Dread Pirate Roberts") had replaced Vaughn as Sark's torturer. What's ? What, are we gonna see Syd slamming into Jack's office and going, "My name is Inigo Sydtoya! You killed my mother! Prepare to die!"? Because that? Would rule. Oh, shut up. You do so think Irina's dead and Jack killed her. You do. Stop living in denial.
Anyway, Vaughn goes on to say that Moronen will pay for the damage she's done to the people Vaughn loves (namely, Syd), but not because she had an affair with Sark. "I don't give a rat's ass who she's sleeping with," he snits. I don't think there was a whole lot of "sleeping" going on there, Vaughny Boy, but I do think "rat's ass" is one of the finest phrases known to man, so I'll cut you some slack in this particular instance. Vaughn asks again, some more, where Moronen is. Sark just groans in response. And not in the good way.
Out in Oops Center, Syd's walking in and surveying the damage. It greatly resembles the scene in which Syd surveyed the damage done to SD-6. Yeah. This episode is just chock full of parallels. Weiss sees Syd and walks over to her. She asks after Marshall, and Weiss just says he's in the O.R. And…that's pretty much the last we hear of Marshall. I mean it. Guy got shot, has a new baby and a wife, and…later! Weiss is more concerned with telling Syd about all the other agents who were wounded and/or hospitalized. All in all, the number's around thirty or so, and no one died. So, like, what's with the long faces? There's only one person who seems to be in dire straits and that's that bald guy named Brandon who I barely feckin' remember so, yeah, whatever. But apparently Weiss and Brandon had a thing or something, because he's all burnt up about this bombing thing.
Syd seems remarkably unconcerned with the emotions that are in the process of burbling up and over Weiss's unbuttoned shirt collar, and she just asks where Vaughn is. Weiss is all, who, that guy? Sheeee-it. I dunno. haven't seen him since he finished interrogating Sark. This little announcement sets off all sorts of alarms in Syd's head. Especially after Weiss says that Vaughn worked Sark over pretty good but still got no information out of him. Syd quickly retreats to the Corner of Phone Calls To Vengeful Non-Boyfriends and whips out her cell phone. She calls Vaughn and asks him if he'd like some company. Well, seeing as Vaughn is in the process of tailing his wife and looking all sorts of hot in his regulation black leather Vengeful Husband gear while standing in the middle of a suddenly sexy southern Californian downpour, I'm thinking he's gonna go this one alone.
I'm right; Vaughn tries everything in his power to put Syd off his trail. He does this mostly by cryptically answering Syd's direct questions with vague and leading answers that only pique her interest. She wants to know where he is and he's all, "Doesn't matter." Nice, dude. You couldn't say, like, "McDonald's, drowning my sorrows in a Big Mac with extra special sauce"? These two are perfect for each other. They're both the Worst. Spies. Ever. Syd's not into Vaughn's lame answers, and she quickly surmises that something's rotten in the state of Denmark and its name is Moronen. She asks Vaughn what's going on, and when he doesn't answer, she gets this heartbroken look on her face that really says it all. "Sark talked, didn't he?" she asks. "And you know where [Moronen] is." "I'm taking care of it," is all Vaughn will say. "I don't know what you're thinking, but you cannot do this, Michael," says Syd, pulling out the Christian name ploy. It's very similar to the one your mother used when she asked you to clean your room for the fourteenth time and finally called up the stairs, "Frances Mary Katherine Healy Gallagher! You clean your room this minute or you can FORGET about spending the night at Molly McFeely's house this Saturday!" And you'd scramble to do it, because nothing's scarier than an Irish mother on a rampage armed with a full battery of Christian names. And yes, before you can even ask it, we had soda bread and beef in Guinness every St. Patrick's Day from the time I was four years old. And I wonder why I drink.
Wendy Kroy: I thought you drank to forget.
Regina: Well, that too, yes. Why do you drink?
Wendy Kroy: Because it's there.
Regina: Good answer.
So, Syd thinks that using "Michael" will pull Vaughn out of his vengeful tailspin, but no go. He's dead set on making his wife pay, and nothing Syd says or does will stop him. Not even reminding him that he'll be arrested for murder. Which, really, if he gets rid of the body in an efficient manner, is a totally moot point. Or, as Joey Tribbiani would say, "That's a moo point." Syd keeps on talking, however, trying to plead to the softer side of Vaughn, but just then Moronen pulls up, and Vaughn just…hangs up on Syd. Seriously. It's that clipped. Syd's all, baby, don't do this, I love you, if you do this, and you get away with it, it'll haunt you forever and I don't wanna lose you aga-- "I gotta go." Click. Heh. For some reason, I found that really funny.
Moronen parks her car and runs into a building as Vaughn and a fresh crop of forehead wrinkles glower at her. He sort of stalks toward her in the rain and, yeah, even though he's all murderous and shit, he still looks really hot. You know, with the rain dripping down his face and he's so focused and…I think there might be something wrong with me. I can't think about that right now because now Vaughn's inside the building, dripping all over the nice concrete floors. He's not even bothering to hide as far as I can tell, and he's just standing there watching Moronen talk to some computer geek about the Rambaldi equation. Computer Geek has managed to decipher the encrypted words or whatever, and he's come up with a longitude and a latitude. Vaughn pulls out his spy camera and captures the coordinates on digital. "What the hell is in Palermo?" asks Computer Geek. Well, if you must know, there are over 500 palaces, churches, convents, and monasteries, plus, um, seven theatres. So there's lots to do. In Palermo. And stuff.
Moronen's all, none of your damn business, actually. Computer Geek's all, okay, whatever, just gimme my money. Moronen's all, how 'bout I give you a few bullets instead? And she doesn't wait for an answer. For some reason, Vaughn looks mildly shocked at this event. Like, dude? What'd you think she was, a volunteer candy striper? She almost killed YOU, dude. Let's assume that she's used to pulling the trigger. So, Moronen picks up a black briefcase and leaves the dead geek behind. She makes her way to the exit. She walks down some stairs and is about to hit the door when Vaughn hits her instead. With a crowbar. And says, "Hi, honey," with a grimace. And then hits her again. HEE.
Oops Center. Syd walks over to some lackey and tells him she needs the Sark interrogation tape. Lackey checks on it and finds out that it's been classified. By Jack. Looks like it's time for Syd to pay a little visit to her dad. Jack's off in some random office, pretending not to be eeeeevil. Syd walks up and says, "I want that tape." Jack says, "No, you don't." Well, that's an effective answer, Jack. What is she, four? But I want it. No you don't. I do. You don't. I do! You don't! I DO INFINITY. Go to your room. NO! Go to your room or no crispy spy snacks before bed! I HATE YOU! Yeah? Well, you're gonna hate me a lot more when you discover what an evil bastard I am. Now go to your room before you get a spy spanking.
Okay, so he really just says something about how if Syd wants what's best for Vaughn, she'll leave the tape alone. Syd's all, dude. He's gonna kill Moronen. Jack's all, yeah, and then you know what? He'll get closure. Dude. Jack's got a twisted sense of morality, sure, but since when does murder = closure? Hell, if I carried out a homicide every damn time I needed closure from one of my boyfriends, the city of Chicago would be littered with bodies. Syd suddenly realizes that Jack actually wants Vaughn to kill Moronen. Jack doesn't even bother to argue this point, saying only that if Vaughn doesn't kill her, it'll eat away at him like a cancer. God, he's one twisted fuck.
"She destroyed Vaughn's life," says Jack in a voice-over as we see Vaughn pulling Moronen's car into an empty warehouse. I believe it's actually the same warehouse where Jack murdered Haladki. Which would sort of make sense if Jack's pretty much orchestrating this whole thing. "Vaughn's life," says Syd in a voice-over, "not yours. This is about what [Moronen] did to Vaughn, not what Mom did to you." Good point, Syd. But your father raised you to be a super-spy, so I don't think we're really dealing with a whole lot of good old-fashioned homegrown rational thought here. Vaughn pops the trunk and reaches in to grab his unconscious wife as Syd declares to her father that he's got Vaughn carrying his, Jack's, burden. She thinks that he's trying to live vicariously through Vaughn because he himself never got a chance to off Irina. Jack pipes up that he did have the chance, he just didn't take it. Well, whose fault is THAT, Jack? The man honestly has no bloody perspective.
Vaughn hauls Moronen's body out of the trunk as Jack blah blahs something about how if Vaughn doesn't take this chance to kill his wife, he'll some day wind up like Jack and Jack loves Syd too much to do that to her. I -- what? Huh? What kind of warped reasoning is that? Oh, who cares. Syd doesn't get the tape and Jack walks off, and we head back over to the Warehouse of Wife Beatings as Vaughn is stringing Moronen up by some chains. She starts to come to as Vaughn readies all his tools. The Eyeliner of Evil is halfway down the poor woman's cheeks at this point. It's running amok, this eyeliner. It's opened up a chain of Starbucks and is living off the profits, the eyeliner is. It's HUGE, is what I'm sayin'.
Moronen fully wakes and now launches into her "let's see if I can get him to buy that I did what I did out of love" plan. She blah blahs something about how when the Covenant asked her to marry him, she knew they'd eventually want her to coax him back into the CIA. If he wasn't in the CIA in the first place, why'd they want her to marry him? That makes no sense. Wait. What am I saying? Never mind. Moving on. Vaughn's ignoring her. "Two years went by and I never heard from them," she whimpers. Okay. Wait. Two years went by? Syd was missing for two years. Vaughn didn't marry Moronen until nearly two years AFTER Syd was missing. By this dialogue, we'd have to assume that Moronen met Vaughn about twenty-two seconds after Syd died and married him on the charred remains of someone injected with Syd's DNA. The what? Say it with me, people: GLUG. GLUG. GLUG.
Regina: Speaking of which, where in the HELL is the vat of margaritas I ordered?
Wendy Kroy: It's right to you. Your elbow is drowning in it.
Regina: Oh. I thought it felt a bit cold. But I thought it was just my stroke acting up again.
Wendy Kroy: No, when your stroke acts up, the left side of your face sags.
Regina: It does? Why did you never tell me that?
Wendy Kroy: Because it's funny. And I never mess with the funny.
Regina: You're really not a nice person, are you?
Wendy Kroy: You're just figuring this out?
So, yeah, Moronen's totally full of shit and says something about hoping the Covenant would never contact her again because by the time two years had passed, she had fallen in love with him. Now that's about all Vaughn can take. "SHUT UP!" he shouts, speaking for billions of Alias fans everywhere. He stalks over to her and gets right up in her face. "I am gonna erase you. I'm gonna remove any evidence that you ever existed. You used me. You used my grief. My work, who I am -- you took that from me. I'm taking it back." He walks back over to his case and pulls out a bottle, telling her (and us) that it's hydrochloric acid. "You'll be unrecognizable," he sneers. Ew. Is he going to just douse her in that stuff? Have you ever seen La Femme Nikita? The movie, dudes, not the show. That scene with The Cleaner, Jean Reno? And the guy in the tub? Who kinda wasn't dead? And the acid? Do you remember the acid? Yeah. Not so nice, the acid.
Moronen's scrambling now, swearing that she was going to tell him everything, but she never had the chance. She was going to tell him that one night in the restaurant when he told her Sydney had come back or something, and I'd go back to find the link but I've somehow managed to erase most of Moronen's scenes from my memory, so I have no idea during which episode this might have been, and Moronen keeps saying Syd's name, and just her saying the name freshens Vaughn's rage, and he storms over and shrieks at Moronen to not say Syd's name. Lord. Moronen, because she's, well, Moronen, goes ahead and says it anyway, and Vaughn pulls out his gun as if to shoot her, but he just goes and shoots the gun, like, seven hundred times at the ceiling. Oh, god. Just kill her already. Enough with the World's Longest Non-Death Scene. Vaughn grits his teeth and grabs Moronen, jerking her face right up to his. "I hate you," he spits. "But I love Sydney more. That's the only reason you're not dying tonight." Suddenly, Vaughn's anger leaves him. Along with quite a bit of blood. As my closed captioning so eloquently put it, [STAB]. Heh. Vaughn's been stabbed. Moronen looks up and says, "Thank god." The stabber leans over Vaughn's body and grabs the keys to Moronen's bonds. Moronen spits on Vaughn's body. She's awfully cocky for someone who was just about to enjoy a nice hot acid bath. Bitch.
Safe House of Rambaldi-Channeling Sisters. Nadia's sleeping. Someone enters her room and puts a hand over her mouth. Of course, she immediately wakes, and it's Sloane, paying her a little late-night visit. Which just…yeah. There are all kinds of wrong connotations in that sentence. Sloane blah blahs something about how the device on his wrist is allowing him to go undetected in the safe house. Or something. Yeah. I'll buy it. Especially since the CIA now owns the technology to make realistic rubber masks for all their agents to use on any damn job they please, even though they've never used them before, for any assignment, EVER. Whatever. Sloane basically just says that he knows that Nadia knows where the Rambaldi artifact is, and that she didn't tell the CIA. Wait, so now it's back to being an artifact? Wasn't it Rambaldi himself just…yeah. I really should shut up now. Sloane loves it that Nadia didn't tell the CIA, because he doesn't think they can be trusted. Well, duh.
There is much more blah blah in this scene than really ever should have been. Basically? Sloane says that this Rambaldi artifact thingy is something that holds his essence or his soul or something. He calls it the Sphere of Life. Is that anything like the Circle of Life? Because if they get to the artifact and I have to hear that goddamn Elton John song, someone's going to die. Sloane wants to claim the Sphere with his daughter. Nadia tells him to keep his beliefs to himself. Sloane tries to get Nadia to admit that what she saw while she was under the Green Goo™ was transcendent and resplendent and divine. The look on her face suggests that it was. Sloane says he can see it in her eyes. She tells him he has twenty seconds before he's caught. He leaves her instructions on how to find him, and hopes she uses them. He kisses her on the forehead (ew!) and leaves. She just looks after him, confused.
In a nice crossover, we hear a siren wailing outside Nadia's window that turns into a siren at a hospital and we see Syd, waiting on Vaughn's arrival. He's slammed through some doors on a gurney, and I don't know how to say this, but he's ON HIS BACK. Yeah. Because that's the position they put you in when you've been STABBED IN THE LUNG. Syd chases after the gurney until it's taken into the operating room. She stands outside, wrecked at the thought of losing him again. A bit later, Jack approaches Syd as she's sitting in a waiting area. Jack feigns concern, and Syd just responds, "You were right. [Moronen] has to pay." Jack doesn't like this idea, saying it's up to Vaughn to take Moronen out. Syd doesn't really care if Jack likes it or not; she needs his help. She also needs information, expedited credentials, IDs, et cetera. Jack continues fighting Syd on this matter until finally, Syd just goes, "I want her to die. And that's going to happen whether you help me or not." Jack looks at his daughter, realizing that he's not so evil that he can't help his wittle girl murder her ex-boyfriend's satanic wife.
Sark's Cell of (Slightly) Damaged Goods. Sark's sporting the Spy Mommy Special prison fatigues and a nice new cast on his arm. Just then, Moronen's brought into the adjacent cell, looking rather the worse for wear herself. And, I must say, I threw some corn chips at the screen all, "Okay, WHAT? So, who was that who stabbed Vaughn? CIA? How'd she get into custody? WHAT IS HAPPENING?" So, you know, the eventual reveal in this scene kind of worked for me. Sark gets up from the cot and slowly walks over to her. Moronen -- who so isn't Moronen -- just tells Sark that Vaughn was waiting for her when she went to go meet Sark's contact. She asks if Sark gave her up. He silently gives her a look of, yeah, I totally did. She immediately forgives him, saying she'd have done the same. Not Moronen leans into the bars and tells him to come closer so she can see what they did to him. He truly looks awful. Nice job, makeup crew!
Not Moronen gently touches his face and tells him that Mama Reed hired a lawyer and he'll be here shortly. Then she says something about how they can only get the Rambaldi location if Sark tells her where to get their hands on the contact's information. Sark easily gives up that the contact backs up everything on an off-site server. God, he's such a pussy. Not Moronen asks if he knows the pass phrase, and he tells her it's that famous quote by Nietzsche. No, not that famous quote; the other one. "Woman was God's second mistake." Nice. Suddenly, Not Moronen grabs Sark and hauls him up against the bars. "Thank you," she says in Sydney's voice. She releases him and steps back, pulling off this gargantuan latex Moronen mask in the process. And the Moronen voice? "Voice modulator courtesy of CIA technical services," snits Syd. Yeaaaah. So, what? Moronen couldn't get her hands on one of those? "This little trick of yours," snarks Sark, "must mean Vaughn failed. Tell me, is he dead?" He is such a little snotter. Syd gets right up to the bars. "No, he's not. But thanks to you, Lauren won't be so lucky." Heh. She heads off in search of some Moronen ass to kick.
Ovary Electric. Syd's parked in front of her computer entering the Nietzsche quote into some interface. Once entered, the coordinates show that the Rambaldi artifact is in Palermo. Duh. Later, in Syd's living room, Jack hands over all the stuff that Syd will need to get to Palermo and kill Moronen, including a free ride on a military plane. He warns her to be careful. Syd's all, yeah, I'm on it. Jack suddenly offers to go in her place. This is actually an interesting idea if you buy into the fact that Jack wanted to kill Moronen for his own reasons. Which I do. But that's another story for another January episode. Syd won't let her dad take her place. Jack says he'll cover for her with Cotter. Then he looks down at the floor, and Syd asks what's wrong. Jack's all, oh, nothing. I'm just a really, really, REALLY bad guy. But we can talk about that when you get back. Or when you discover that safety deposit box in Wittenburg. Whichever comes first, right? Syd smiles tightly at her father and heads off for Palermo.
Palermo. Sicily. Home of…Sicilians. And pasta. I guess. I don't know. Syd careens down the face of a mountain and then skims along behind some big-ass rocks. She hunkers down and spies a dig site down below. Tons of people and guys with guns. And a big hole in the ground. And digging equipment. Syd returns to her hiding place behind the rock, hits a button on her watch, looks up at the sky, and then just…well, does nothing, actually. That's…riveting. Know what else is riveting? Watching Vaughn sleep. Because that's what we do after we leave Syd doing nothing. We go from one person doing nothing to another person doing nothing. Oh -- oh, wait! He's waking up! Thank god! Because I already had two naps today. Three would just be excessive.
Weiss sees his buddy coming to and makes his way over to the side of the bed. "How you doin'?" he asks. Vaughn kind of looks around, realizes where he is, and suddenly goes, "Where's Sydney?" He starts panicking and pulling at his covers. Weiss tries to calm him down, but the second he tells Vaughn that Syd went after Moronen, he starts freaking out again, saying he has to go after her. Weiss is all, dude? Buddy? You have a punctured lung. You breathe wrong, that thing could collapse again. Vaughn's all, I have to warn her! Weiss is all, guard outside the door! Vaughn's all, don't care! Weiss is all, you're in lockdown! Vaughn's all, Syd's walking into a trap! Weiss is all, that's not imp-- huh? What? Vaughn gasps that Moronen didn't stab him. Katya Derevko did. Oh, really, Vaughn? And where did you get this brilliant intel? Was that before or after someone you DIDN'T SEE stabbed you IN THE BACK? ["Maybe he recognized her perfume?" -- Sars]
Oh, whatever. This season's twenty minutes from being over and I'm on my way to a summer filled with cocktails and dreams. And, apparently, Tom Cruise movies. God. Seconds later, we hear a flat line and Weiss pokes his head out and tells some medic out there that Vaughn's dying or something. The medic enters and powers up the heart paddles. Right before he can jolt Vaughn, however, Vaughn grabs the paddles and jolts both the medic and the attending CIA guard. Vaughn pulls out his oxygen and gets out of bed. "Let's go," he hisses at his friend. Then Vaughn busts out of the room with Weiss in front of him, a gun pressed up against his head. The CIA dudes that see him demand that he freeze, but Vaughn's all, no YOU freeze. There's a standoff, and the CIA dudes put their guns in a garbage can. Vaughn orders them into the elevator, and at the last minute he shoves Weiss in there too. Weiss is all, dude? I thought I was gonna help you? Vaughn's all, yeah, not so much. I will, however, borrow your walkie-talkie. Thanks! The doors close and Weiss is gone bye-bye.
Vaughn runs out into the Staircase of the Seventh Ring of Hell. Really. It's the staircase that's been used in at least two episodes per season since Season One. Is there some significance to this staircase being used over and over and over again? Or is there only one staircase they can use? Like, is it pertinent and full of portent? Or is this just simple economics? I need to know. So, whatever, the building's in lockdown. Agents are heading up to where the elevator dudes are locked in, and Vaughn slides down a fire extinguisher hose to the bottom of the staircase. His punctured lung is doing remarkably well, by the way. Thank you for asking! Vaughn peeks out behind the building and sees a bunch of agents outside. He gets on the walkie and pretends he's an agent himself and says, "Vaughn's going out the main entrance. All agents to the front NOW!" The agents outside run off and Vaughn easily escapes. And apparently climbs the ladder to the fifth dimension or something, because in about ten minutes he's going to be in Palermo. I wish I were kidding.
Speaking of Palermo, Syd's still there, but now it's night. This adds some credence to the idea that there was a time lapse between the time that Vaughn escaped from the hospital and this particular moment in time, but the amount of credence it lends couldn't fill a demitasse cup with a hole in it, so, really, let's not go there. Syd's just meditating or something when someone approaches her from behind and puts a gun to her head. Syd's her mother's daughter, however, and she quickly nabs the gun before the shooter can get busy. Syd gets up and is face-to-face with Auntie Katya. Katya lies that she thought Syd was a Covenant guard, so she was about to shoot her. Yeah. Covenant guards often hang out behind boulders with no weapons. Katya blah blahs some more about the Covenant and how she's infiltrating the camp, same as Syd, but it's really all bullshit because we all know now that she's a baddie so can we just get on with it already? Syd asks if Moronen's around. Katya says she was, but she drove away about an hour ago. Must've been while Syd was contemplating her navel. Syd just says they'll wait until she gets back before they make their move, and hands Katya her gun. Katya recommends that they take cover, and asks if Syd's alone. Of course she is, Katya. Duh. Syd turns to look away, and Katya brings her gun up again, and…click. Nothing happens. Syd holds up the clip. Um. I'm no expert here, but isn't the clip kind of, I don't know, heavy? Like, if you had a clip in your gun and someone took your gun away and removed the clip and handed it back to you, wouldn't you notice it? I just…sigh. Katya says, "How did you know?" "I didn't," says Syd. "But now I do." Syd darts her auntie and Katya drops. Jeez. Syd's quickly running out of decent family members.
Syd quickly darts the entire rest of the camp before Moronen returns. Syd takes cover and watches as Moronen gets out of her jeep and talks to some archeologist or something. Syd takes a scope out of her bag, attaches it to her gun, gets Moronen in her sights, and attempts to shoot her. Too bad she shoots the archeologist instead. Worst. Spy. Ever. Moronen runs off. Back in Hell-Lay, we check in at the safe house again, where the CIA agents assigned to protect Nadia are ordering up some Chinese food. Mmmm…dim sum. They call out to Nadia to see if she wants any. She doesn't answer. The boys quickly figure out that she's gone. Seconds later, Nadia's walking down a street with a fetching scarf draped around her neck. Sloane's waiting for her. Mia Maestro's really lovely. I hope she gets more to do season.
Sloane informs his daughter that the Covenant solved the equation, so the Rambaldi artifact may already be compromised. Nadia sort of smugly announces that she totally altered the equation because she didn't want to give Sloane what he was looking for. "Which means the Covenant has the wrong coordinates," says Sloane. And Indy and Sallah turn to each other in glee and say, "They're digging in the wrong place!" Oh, please. You thought it too. I realize that, in my top ten movies of all time, Raiders of the Lost Ark is number one and will remain so until I die, but I can't be the only one who thought that. "We should go," says Nadia. "We have a long journey ahead of us." Sloane looks at his daughter with gleaming pride and says, "Come." They are going to be a really bad influence on each other.
Palermo. Syd's stalking around with her gun, looking for Moronen. I should warn you in advance that the fight you're about to see is a pale, pale imitation of the Best Girlfight Ever. They'll never top it. No matter how hard they try. Moronen comes up from behind and wraps a scarf around Syd's throat. "Guess who?" she asks. Well, considering that the archeologist is deader than a doornail, I'd think that this situation doesn't really require a lot of guessing, dumbass. There's throwing. And kicking. And flinging. To their credit, it appears that Jennifer and Melissa did quite a lot of their own fighting. Still doesn't make it better than the Best Girlfight Ever. And that's okay. Because that fight rules and always will.
Wendy Kroy: There will never be any fight greater than the Best Girlfight Ever.
Regina: Not even in The Matrix movies?
Wendy Kroy: Girl, please. Did you SEE Reloaded?
Regina: I did. And…yeah.
Wendy Kroy: Yeah.
Regina: There is not enough Keanu beauty in the world to eradicate that monstrosity from my mind.
Wendy Kroy: Amen.
So, more fighting and jumping and kicking. Syd corners Moronen with a big handle or something, choking her, and Moronen says, "If you kill me, you'll never know the truth!" "This is the truth!" hisses Syd. "Sucks, doesn't it?" Hee. Moronen gets away and says, "You think the CIA couldn't find you when you went missing? Or that you learned what happened to you by chance?" Syd ignores her, and more fighting ensues. They both pick up shovels and go at it. When there's a break, Moronen continues, "If your mother's really been helping you since she left, why haven't you ever spoken to her?" Syd's all, quit trying to buy time, you mousy little twit. More hitting and kicking. "You can't believe that both you and your sister just happen to be agents," says Moronen, performing a slice with her shovel. "This isn't gonna work!" says Syd, performing a slice of her own. "There's a bank in Wittenburg," gasps Moronen. "A numbered vault! Proof --" Syd launches an attack, and Moronen counters. Kicking. Hitting. Shoveling. Urm. Yeah. So, Moronen somehow corners Syd with her shovel handle, choking her on the ground.
"We're both pawns in the same game," says Moronen, doing that familiar I Am The Villain So Right Before I Kill You, I Must Tell You Everything dance. "The difference between us is I know who controls me." Syd spies something across the way -- a gun, I'm assuming. Moronen sees this. "Who controls me?" asks Syd. "I guess you'll never know," says Moronen, knocking Syd with the shovel and running for the gun. She makes it back and is about to shoot Syd in the head when we hear Vaughn shout, "Stop!" Moronen quickly grabs Syd and hauls her up, putting the gun to her head. Vaughn orders Moronen to let Syd go. Moronen orders Vaughn to put the gun down. He won't. "If you love her, you'll put the gun down!" Vaughn immediately puts the gun down. He doesn't drop it, mind you; he just lowers it. "You really are a boy scout," Moronen quips. Vaughn raises his gun and shoots her. She starts to fall, and Vaughn shoots her again, just for good measure.
And millions of Alias fans get up from their sofas and begin a chorus of "Hallelujah!" Complete with angels singing.
Moronen drops, and Syd runs into Vaughn's arms. They embrace strongly, ignoring that whole punctured lung thing that Vaughn has going on. Syd pulls back. "What're you doing? How did you get here?" "Via a tesseract," says Vaughn. "It was easy. And I met these great kids along the way. They were looking for their dad." Okay, no, so he just says, "I came for you." And yeah, it's really sweet. Or it would be really sweet if Moronen weren't getting up off the damn ground. Syd and Vaughn move in for a kiss. FINALLY. Moronen starts to stand, Syd pulls back and looks at her hot savior boyfriend, and just then, Vaughn sees Moronen and shoots her. And shoots her. And shoots her. And shoots her. "1…0…6…2…" Moronen manages to gasp out before Vaughn delivers the final bullet. Moronen drops down into the pit and out of sight. And no, no "thud" is heard. She's SO coming back year. But I'm going with the notion that she's really dead and that her coming back year will be in flashbacks only. And yes, I am praying for the first time in fifteen years. And lighting candles. And saying novenas. Are you there god? It's me, Regina.
Vaughn asks Syd what that whole number thing was about. Syd just says she doesn't know, and leans in for a distraction kiss. Vaughn is easily distracted. Oh, and the kiss is really good. Or maybe I'm just that desperate.
Wittenburg. Syd's in an elevator with some guy, and she's wearing a really hot red wig and some glasses. She gets out of the elevator and is escorted to a safety deposit box room by some old guy. He shows her to her box, and Syd passes by box number 1062. Old Guy leaves, and Syd immediately gets out her ACME Safety Deposit Box Crack Kit. She pulls out a Home Depot Safety Deposit Box Lock-Freezing Mister and sprays it into the locks of 1062, freezing them or something. She easily tweaks the locks off and pulls the box out. Inside is a specially locked folder of some sort. Syd pulls out the handy Menard's Locked Folder Deciphering Wand and easily unlocks the folder. Inside is a top-secret folder. Inside that top-secret folder is another folder. And inside that folder is a black document with the CIA seal on it. Good god. This is like those damn Russian nesting dolls. Soon Syd will just get down to a single piece of paper that'll say "get more shoes" or something.
Syd pulls out the inner document and then grabs her pocket black document reader and goes to town. First thing we see: TOP SECRET. Second thing: PROJECT SAB47. Third thing: INITIATED 17 APRIL 1975. That's Sydney's birth date, in case you didn't now. Fourth thing: PROJECT: ACTIVE. Fifth thing: SENIOR PROJECT MANAGER: JACK BRISTOW. Get it? Syd's actually a top secret CIA project, and her dad's been in charge of this "project" since the beginning. Syd suddenly realizes that her father, once again, is not who she thought he was. She starts getting emotional as she goes through the rest of the document, none of which we see. Which, of course, means that the writers can come up with a whole slew of sick shit for which Jack can be responsible year. Nice.
A shadow appears in the doorway, watching Syd as she blinks back tears. As she reaches the end of the document, her emotions get the better of her and she starts crying in earnest. "Sydney," says Jack from his post at the door. She looks up. "You were never supposed to have found this," he grits. She stares. He stares. She stares. And…scene.
Wendy Kroy: What just…what?
Regina: Jack's a bad man.
Wendy Kroy: Remember last year? When we had two finales in a row? And they both RULED?
Regina: I remember.
Wendy Kroy: I miss that.
Regina: I miss that too.
Wendy Kroy: Hold me.
Regina: Hold yourself.
Wendy Kroy: [enraged silence]