Once upon a time, in a television reality far, far away, there was a girl named Sydney who worked for the bad guys even though she thought they were the good guys. And then there was some shooting. And some lying. And some kissing. And then it all went to hell when some smart guy decided to blow up SD-6 and then Syd disappeared for two years but then she didn't remember and Vaughn married someone else but she was a spy but she didn't start out that way it was just that the fans didn't like her so the writers decided to make her a bad guy or girl or whatever, and then Lena Olin didn't come back and I cried and then I drank and then the season came to an end and Sydney supposedly found out that her whole life was basically a setup but that doesn't really matter right now because nothing that happened last season or the season before that or the season before that really matters because we're starting all over, from the very beginning, that's a very good place to start and kill me before I start singing about edelweiss.
If you want to know what happened last season, or any other season, if you're even remotely interested, then you know where the recaps are, children. I suggest you do some light reading on your lunch hour.
We open on a door that's lit from behind. To the strains of "At Last," as sung by Etta James, the door opens and…there is Sydney, clad only in a filmy white negligee and matching panties. She's also wearing a blonde wig, so we know she's on an assignment and not meeting Vaughn for a little nookie-on-the-rails action. This is actually a really nice moment, with the music and the opening shot, because it's like the Alias team is going, "Heh. Yeah. We're back. And it's been awhile. So, at last, here's what you've been waiting for." If what we'd been waiting for was a bunch of outlandishly expository scenes strung loosely together by a bunch of outlandishly elaborate fight sequences. What? You don't agree? Too bad. I'm putting you on mute.
So, anyway, Syd performs the Bristow/Derevko swagger down a hallway and turns into a room where a nerdy man is sitting and waiting for her. Syd does this hilarious little skirt pull with the negligee top that's kind of sex-kitten-y without being gross. According to the captioning, Syd asks if the negligee is okay for her in a Swedish accent. Glad the captioning was there to provide that bit of clarity; I thought it was a French accent myself. ["I thought it was Russian. You learn something new every day." -- Sars] Syd continues the faux Bardot act and they engage in some dumb dialogue that really does nothing to further the story, so I'll leave it out. Also? This scene is only going to lead us to one of those "72 hours earlier" plot devices I hate so very much, so I really don't see the point in recapping it in its entirety since I'm just going to have to do it all over again in about seven paragraphs.
Suffice it to say, Sydney somehow charms her way into getting Nerdy Guy to open up his super-secret case, which is obviously what she's there to do in the first place. Inside is a computer keyboard and a flat piece of metal with three lights on it. What is it? Does it matter? You're going to find out later anyway. Nerdy Guy just states that this thing can be used for good or for evil and Syd flits that it's pretty much the same thing with her. Wink wink. Nudge nudge. Say no more. Syd then manages to get him to open some interior panel and Nerdy Guy says it's an unstable isotope or something. It's only five minutes in and I already don't care about whatever mission this is. What I do care about is how kick-ass my TiVo is and how wicked cool it is recapping with it. The combo of TiVo plus my spanky new laptop is almost orgasmic, people. At least, they're turning me on in a way this entire episode…didn't.
Once Nerdy Guy shows Syd the isotope, she kind of looks off to the side and tucks her wig behind her ear. Nerdy Guy sees this and asks if anything's wrong. Oh, there's something wrong, but we won't find out what it is until later because it's really the future and the rest of the episode takes place in the past and stop me if you've heard this one before. Syd removes Nerdy Guy's glasses and then slams him in the face with the heel of her hand. She grabs the isotope, changes into something more fight-enabling, and runs out of the cabin. Some guy turns a corner at the end of the hall and yells at her to stop. Syd keeps running, finally making it to the baggage car. Baddie with the gun makes it there just seconds behind her, but Syd's nowhere to be found. That is, until she drops down behind him and a fight ensues. This is my favorite part of recapping this show -- the fight sequences. Because all I have to do is go, "And then they fight," and I'm done. Sure, I could go into detail, and I often do, especially when something interesting happens, but this is a two-hour season opener and, really, there are, like, seven more of these peppered throughout the damn episode, so why bother?
And then they fight.
Kick kick. Slam slam. Use the baggage as a weapon. Hit over head. Roundhouse kick. Oops! Accidentally opened the side door. More kicking. Ha! The gun's overboard (or overtrain or whatever). Backflip kick to the chin. Jennifer Garner obviously learned quite a bit while filming Elektra. Hit hit. Kick kick. "Ahh! Ahh!" goes the closed captioning. D'oh! Syd goes out the door. She manages to grab one of the baggage container nets and is hanging on for dear life. If by "dear life" you mean "she's the star of the show so if you think someone's not going to save her ass when they flash back to this part in about thirty minutes, you're sorely mistaken." Baddie spends an inordinate amount of time cutting the container net strap by strap, and Jennifer Garner pretends to look terrified that she's going to die. And, just as Baddie's about to cut the last strap…we cut to a title card that reads, "72 HOURS EARLIER." When I watched this the first time, as Sydney was hanging from the net, I actually said, out loud, "If they cut to any time earlier, I'm gonna be pissed -- OH, NO, THEY DIDN'T!" But they did. And if they haven't learned by now that that is an extremely tired plot device, then we don't have a lot of hope for the upcoming season.
So, whatever, it's 72 hours earlier and now we're in Shanghai. Syd's in a disguise that's sort of a variation on the Chinese-schoolgirl-gone-wrong theme: black bobbed wig, black bra beneath a short white blouse that's open in the front, plaid skirt, knee-high black socks and black heeled Mary Janes. I actually like this outfit. And I know several of my ex-boyfriends who'd like it too. Which might be why they're ex-boyfriends.
Naughty Schoolgirl Syd's running through the streets of Shanghai, following some doof in a suit as "Cold Hard Bitch" by Jet plays over the soundtrack. Jennifer Garner has been working out, y'all. She looks damn good. And the team shooting this episode knows it, because the shots of her running go on for far too long, but she looks so good and the music's so rockin' that, really, it doesn't bother me that much. At first, it seems as if Sydney's chasing the doof, but it winds up that she's actually urging him on and sort of pointing out where he should be going. I never watched Felicity, but I'm told that the doof in the suit was on that show and that his name on the show was "Richard" and that, apparently, he was loved for being…well, a doof, actually. So I guess this role's appropriate. It's also yet another sign that Team Bad Robot hires and rehires people they dig. Which is nice.
Anyway, Doof (for that is his name and I shall call him Doof) keeps running, looking back at Syd to see what she's telling him. They keep running past a nicely integrated CGI shot of the actual Shanghai skyline. Syd shrieks at Doof to turn left on the street. A bunch of baddies are chasing after them. Syd and Doof make it down an alley and reach a mesh door. Doof is all, "It'slockedit'slockedit'slocked!" Syd just smashes into it and they run through. Hee. See? He's a Doof. So, more running, more running, baddies chasing, et cetera. Finally, Syd and Doof make into a punk club and they run into a girl's bathroom. Syd slams the door shut behind some exiting chicks and locks it behind them. Doof starts yammering at her about demanding answers or some such shit. It would appear that Syd and Doof have been compromised, basically because Syd showed up about ten minutes late for a meet. Syd pulls some hidden guns out from beneath a sink, tosses one at Doof, and snaps at him to watch the door.
There's a certain amount of bickering back and forth between them about how Syd broke protocol or something, but all you really need to worry your pretty little heads about is how much of a doof Doof is and how much of a "loose cannon" he perceives Syd to be. Yes, it's mildly amusing dialogue and they're both funny, but again, not really furthering the storyline and, once we move on to the couple of scenes, you'll see why recapping this scene in its entirety isn't really necessary. Someone bangs on the door, demanding to use the bathroom. Syd shouts something at her in Mandarin (so say the captions) and gets on the comm to some dude that she and Doof were supposed to meet. "Shopkeeper," as Syd calls him, is deep undercover and he's been compromised. As Syd talks to him on the comm, we hear on the other end what's supposed to sound like someone discovering Shopkeeper's location and basically shooting him. Doof is freaking out. Someone gets onto Shopkeeper's comm and says, "Hello, Sydney Bristow. I heard about what you're wearing. I like it." Okay, 1) ew and 2) I think they stuck that in there so Syd has to change her disguise, upping our disguise quotient to three in the space of less than ten minutes.
So, the ooky voice on the other end of the comm goes on to say something about Syd breaking radio silence and how that's sloppy. Syd demands to know what the dude wants, and he tells her he already has what he wants: they're tracking her broadcast right this second and they totally know where she is. Again, Doof totally freaks out. Syd just keeps her head, drops the comm in the sink, runs water over it, and pops a window open. She turns to Doof and starts ripping off his jacket. Doof is all, what're you doing NOW? I'm not just following you blindly again, 'kay? Syd's all, dude? I don't have time to type up an itinerary and load it into your damn PDA, all right? "Do what I say or you'll die," she snits, climbing up onto the sink. Doof rightly remarks that the window's too small for her to climb out. "I'm not climbing out," she replies, jumping back down with a finger full of black gunk that she's scraped from the sill. She orders Doof to close his eyes and then smears the gunk all over them. Doof says it burns and Syd just snarks that it's better than a bullet. She smears the rest of it over his lips and smudges some on his cheeks and then pulls her earring out of her ear and quickly jabs it into Doof's earlobe. Ow. And, considering how dark it is in the club, probably totally unnecessary.
The small-bladdered bitch outside the door is getting antsy, so Syd just shouts at her that she's almost done. She finishes dressing Doof down with some dirt to the hair and an improvised Chinese symbol to the front of his now-ripped undershirt. He looks wildly different and, I hate to say it, kind of like Robert Smith of The Cure. He'll never get laid looking like that. Small-Bladdered Bitch bangs on the door yet again and Syd jumps over, wrenching it open. "How badly do you have to go?" she snaps at the short chick with the blond wig standing before her. Syd then grabs her arm and pulls her inside. Seconds later, Doof walks out and struts through the club as Sydney instructed him to. Syd then walks out, dressed in Small-Bladdered Bitch's outfit, which, of course, fits her perfectly. Including the blonde wig. Doof gets to the door, passes the baddies, knocks into one of them, and then yips at the baddie in Chinese. Syd runs off, leaving a cold, naked, wigless Chinese girl chained to a pipe in the bathroom. Hope she has her picture phone with her or else no one will believe it really happened!
Hell-Lay. Aw. I missed typing that. When the title card goes away, we're obviously somewhere at the CIA and Angela Bassett has obviously taken over as the head of Sydney's division. Or something. Who cares? Angie looks good. It would appear that Sydney's being grilled about her conduct in Shanghai. Why, you may ask? To which I would respond: does it matter? No. No, it does not. Because this entire thing is a charade (pronounced "chuh-rod," if you please), as we will soon find out. All we're supposed to think for the moment is that Syd's in trouble for getting Shopkeeper killed and Angie's not pleased about it. Angie's all, dude? You fucked up in Shanghai. Sydney's all, dude? Like I care. I did what I thought had to be done. Oh, and when was the last time YOU were in the field, huh, Desk Jockey? Angie's all, oh, no you di'nt. Syd's all, oh, yes I did.
Back and forth, you're a danger to the department, flotsam and jetsam, at least I get the job done, yin and yang, at the risk of endangering everyone around you, Mutt and Jeff, like I give a shit, coffee and cream, that's a nice attitude, Dick and Tracy, you ain't seen nothin' yet, peanut butter and jelly, how 'bout I stick your ass in a cozy little desk in a corner of the CIA no one's ever even SEEN before, big and tall, are you DEMOTING me, black and blue, you bet yer ass I am, diamonds and pearls, I don't know what you have against me but I'm not gonna sit here and defend my record, bedknobs and broomsticks, I don't really give a shit what you do because I resent you and everything you stand for and I'd surely appreciate it if you'd get your killer booty down to the mailroom and get me a vanilla latte while you're at it, beeyotch. Sydney stands up and stares down Angie. "If this is your decision, [Angie]," she says coldly, "I will no longer burden the CIA with the hazard of my participation." "Are you opting to terminate your association with the CIA?" says Angie. "I will say it in English for you," snits Syd. "I quit." She glares at Angie, glares at Doof, and then stalks off.
We switch to an establishing night shot of Washington, D.C. Faster than you can say, "Where's the hotness?" we switch to Vaughn, angrily hitting the shit out of a punching bag and pretending it's his dead ex-wife's face. And yes, he looks good. Even when he's angry. ["He could stand to eat a sandwich, though. He's a little on the Adam's-apple-y side." -- Sars] Agent Sean enters and is all, dude? Bag's dead! Give it up! Vaughn stops and turns to his buddy. "Thanks for coming," he sweats. "Thanks for sweating," quips Agent Sean. Hee. Back in the locker room, Vaughn and Sean soap each other up and -- no! That's a TOTALLY different television show. Excuse me. Vaughn's just toweling off and Sean asks how he's doing. "I think a full month of psych evaluation is enough," exposits Vaughn, giving us the amount of time that's supposed to have passed since the end of last season, and also an indication of just what role Vaughn might be playing this season. Ladies and gentlemen, say hello to Agent Exposition.
Agent Sean goes on to wonder out loud whether or not a month of psych eval is enough for someone as craaaaaazy as Vaughn. It would appear that shortly after shooting his wife, Vaughn went and burned their house down. "It wasn't a happy home," grits Vaughn. "Yeah but…fire," returns Sean. "Yeah, well," says Agent Exposition, "you bury your dead girlfriend, then dumbly marry the first blonde bimbo to cross your path, then discover your dead girlfriend's really alive, listen in as your double agent wife makes it with a hot British guy, chase after some dude and his daughter and yet another stupid Rambaldi device, get advice on how to kill your duplicitous wife from your ex-dead-girlfriend's seriously crazy father, make out with your ex-dead-girlfriend, then cross the globe in fifteen minutes flat, courtesy of a wrinkle in time, save your true love's life, then kill your wife after learning she's a vicious homicidal double agent, and see how rational you are." "Yeah but…exposition," says Sean. See? These expository scenes aren't clunky AT ALL.
Whatever. Agent Sean offers up his bachelor pad to his buddy and Vaughn just says that he's leaving. There's a beat, then Sean realizes that Vaughn means he's leaving the CIA. "Is this because of Sydney?" says Sean. "It's not because of Sydney," says Vaughn. "It's because last year sucked." Amen, brother. And, yeah, that's a shout-out to you, me, and everyone who thought that last year, indeed, sucked. Sean's all, dude? Have you talked to Sydney lately? Vaughn's all, no, dude. Not this week, not last week. In fact, I haven't talked to her since last MAY, but that's not important right now. Sean goes on to inform him that Sydney quit that afternoon. Vaughn gets a look on his face that's either shock or gas. I'm not sure which. Maybe he's about to launch into another expository paragraph. Run for your lives!
Elsewhere on the continent, Sydney's walking through a subway station. Originally, I thought she was in D.C., but considering stuff that happens later in the episode, I've changed that opinion and now believe she's in Hell-Lay. Not that you care. Also? The second I saw her walking through the station, I totally knew she was going off to some secret organization à la Oops Center. I just knew. Because I'm psychic. And your boyfriend's sleeping with your -door neighbor. Trust me. So, we're walking, we're walking, we're walking. Then we're riding, we're riding, we're riding. Syd pulls a pass card out of a red envelope and exits the train as the Mysterious Strings of Secret Passageways trill across the soundtrack. Syd looks around and saunters down to a staircase at the end of a platform. She pulls out the pass card, walks up to a door, slides the card through, opens the door, and walks through. The door shuts and we get a shot of the "WARNING: AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY" sign of the door. Hence the title of this episode. And so much more.
Once inside, Syd has to go through some elaborate series of lever pulls and button pushes in order to open the inner door to a hallway. At the end of a curved tunnel is what looks like the entrance to the Apple Store on Michigan Avenue. In fact, when Syd walks through and looks around, we see that, aside from a bunch of people dressed in suits, it actually IS the Apple Store on Michigan Avenue! But anyway, Syd's standing at the entrance to the Apple Store and Angela Bassett walks up. See? I told you that whole "you're a loose cannon" scene was a fraud. Why don't you ever listen to me?
Angie says she's glad Syd found the place, and then congratulates her on an excellent performance in front of the committee. Syd returns the congratulations, saying that she actually felt like she was in trouble. Angie moves to show Syd around the office. Syd asks about Doof as they move through the Apple Store, and Angie just quips that Doof thinks he's a hero; he has no idea that Shanghai was a charade. See? Again. I told you that recapping that entire scene wasn't necessary! You really should listen to me. I'm always right.
Angie exposits something about how the Apple Store was used for Pacific Rim operations until 1998, but it was dark until Langley approved this division two months ago. Okay, now…have two months passed since the end of the last season? Or has more time passed? Or should I care? Or should I just remember that last season, the whole timeline thing fucked us because if Syd had really been gone two years, then it was actually 2006 instead of 2004 but since all the calendars and everything on the show said 2004, she couldn't have been gone for two years unless when she erased the two years from her memory, she actually erased two years from the rest of the world? Ow. I think I sprained something. IN MY BRAIN.
Syd says that she's honored to have been asked to be a part of this new operation. Angie then says something about Sydney saying she needed a fresh start. Syd cuts her off, saying that that was all just personal stuff having to do with her father and Vaughn. Now she just wants to serve her country as best she can. Which seems to be…working at the Apple Store on Michigan Avenue. Angie mysteriously says that this new assignment will be a challenge for Sydney -- in fact, more of a challenge then she was led to believe. Angie opens some sliding Star Trek doors and walks into another room. After a beat, Syd follows and, as she comes around the corner, she sees…Dixon…Jack…and…Vaughn. Michael Giacchino's score right here is awesome; it's very much like his hip and jazzy Incredibles music.
Syd just stands there staring at her new team members as Angie says that the four of them were handpicked to help run this team. "The four of us?" says Syd, obviously confused. "Handpicked by whom?" And that's when Arvin Sloane walks up behind Syd and says, "This is exciting." Hee! I mean, I laughed out loud when I saw him. But then that line? KILLED ME. And Ron Rifkin says it with the perfect combination of "Ha! Gotchya!" and "I'm still totally evil, dontchya know?" Syd whips her head around to look at her dad and Dixon. Then she snaps, "Could I have a word, please?" to Angie and stalks off to another room. Angie walks over. "When I was approached about joining a black ops unit of the CIA, I thought I was doing the right thing," says Syd. "Of course, I conveniently forgot that I was once asked to join a black ops unit of the CIA that turned out to be the evil Los Angeles branch of The Alliance known as SD-6, and also that Sloane was the head of that organization and he was supposed to be evil the whole time but then sometimes he wasn't but then he killed my fiancé and then he disappeared and pumped his daughter full of Green Goo™ and I'd just like everyone to know how PISSED I am that I might have to work with this dude again and, by the way, has anyone checked his iBook for secret documents or anything? Because there's NO WAY he's a good guy."
Exposition is fun!
So, Syd thought that joining a black ops division would be a good idea. But now, with Sloane in charge, she's not so sure. Angie tries to convince her that she knows all about Sloane. "Then allow me ask the most obvious question in the history of time," snits Syd. "How can the CIA let that man, who ran what amounts to a terrorist cell within the borders of this country, run anything --" Angie just cuts her off, saying basically that they want Sloane on board because of his "contacts" and that keeping him under the CIA's watchful eye can only be a good thing. Yeah, it's such a convoluted and bizarre stretch of the storyline that there's honestly no way to explain it without sounding like you had a bowl of Drano and a plate of rifle ammo for breakfast. It's one thing to watch it on the TV screen, it's quite another to see it in writing. Why's Sloane running a black ops division of the CIA? Because he KNOWS PEOPLE and because here, SYDNEY AND THE REST OF THE CREW CAN KEEP AN EYE ON HIM. Pass the crazy, would you? I'm all out.
And now is the time on Alias when we -- heeeeey. It's not the same old theme song. It's more…disco-y. And there are forty-seven shots of Syd in disguise playing during it. Huh. I'm not sure I can do the Alias dance to this song yet. I'll have to hear it a few more times before I can fully commit. Good thing there are twenty-one more weeks in which to perfect my moves.
When the counter hits "0:24" on my TiVo, we're back from the break and Sloane's getting ready to address his new (and oddly complacent) troops in the Apple Store's kickback room. Syd walks in and just stares at Sloane, who's working a black turtleneck like nobody's business. Seriously. Not every man can pull that off. But Rifkin and Garber both seem to be able to do it. Sloane says that he was just about to tell the heartwarming story of how he was approached by the CIA. He indicates that perhaps Syd might want to take a seat. Syd slides her eyes over to the rest of the crew, then saunters over. In a nice moment, Vaughn slides over to Dixon in order to make room for Syd, and Syd just…parks it on the sofa arm all, "Yeah, not so fast, buddy. My ass isn't ready to be so close to yours…yet."
And here's where Ron Rifkin proves what a wonderful actor he is, no matter how assy the material he's asked to slog through. Sloane makes the most hilarious speech explaining how he wound up running the Apple Store on Michigan Avenue. The speech consists of words such as "red tape" and "bureaucratic chain of command" and "governed" and "covert unit." It's truly hysterical. And Ron Rifkin makes it sound not only plausible, but honest and true. It's a miracle. The members of the Apple Store apparently are not accountable to anyone but themselves. How convenient.
Syd's all, yeah, we got that part about accountability. What we didn't get was that whole part about how a scum-sucking lawn gnome such as yourself managed to nab the position of Head Demon In Charge of iPod Battery Complaints. Sloane just says that the CIA wants their own version of an SD-6 so, of course, they thought of him the second this idea came into play. Because, if you're gonna run an ungoverned black ops division with no accountability, you call someone who knows their shit. And that someone is Sloane. Arvin Sloane. Chief Operating Officer of Doom. Sloane concludes his little welcome speech by saying that the CIA doesn't want to know how they get their work done, just that it gets done. Period.
Dixon leans forward and asks what, exactly, their work is supposed to be. He's awfully friendly for a man who's now working for the guy who ordered Francinator to off his wife. Of course, in Alias-land, that was probably four or five years ago (I have NO idea what year it is in this world), so he's probably over it by now. When Sloane starts answering Dixon's question, we inexplicably move to what will inevitably become the new Conference Room of Endless Exposition, and get the rundown on the latest dumb mission that this crew will have to go on.
It's seriously stupid, y'all. I mean it. And I know I used to recap every last detail of scenes like these because I was afraid that if I didn't, it'd come back to haunt me in episode twelve because the guy from episode two who had the thing they had to steal in order to get the Rambaldi device that blew shit up showed up again in episode twelve, only this time, HE WAS A WOMAN, but that was then, this is now, and the explanation of the upcoming mission is so yabbery and dumb that it really doesn't deserve to have several paragraphs written about it. Trust me. I'll just give you the basics.
Nerdy Guy? From the train? From the beginning of the episode? He's a Russian scientist. He's disappeared. And he has a deadly and highly unstable isotope. And no, that means NOTHING to me. But apparently it's really, really bad, because someone wants to buy this unstable isotope from Nerdy Guy and he's going to make the sale on a train traveling between Belarus and Latvia. And Sydney and Vaughn are going to be on that train. "I can't believe this," snits Sydney, barely beneath her breath. The rest of the Apple crew kind of glances uncomfortably at each other. "I beg your pardon?" queries Sloane. Hee. I love him. "Nothing," says Syd, barely hiding her hatred of him. Actually, she's not hiding it at all and I get the feeling that Sloane's kind of…loving that. Heh.
Jack asks who the buyer is. Sloane says they don't know, but "according to his grocery list, we can assume he's a serious threat." Huh? What? They don't know who the guy is but they know what he's going to buy at the Jewel? Whatever. Sloane says they know everything about the meet, except who the buyer is. I mean, they know the time, the location, the fact that there will be a green fountain pen on the table, and even what the buyer and Nerdy Guy are supposed to say to each other once they meet, but they don't know who the buyer is. Again: whatever. Dixon's on point, Jack's handling operations, Syd's getting Nerdy Guy and the isotope, and Vaughn will pretend to be Nerdy Guy and sell the buyer a bogus isotope with a tracking device, ID-ing the buyer and leading the CIA to him in the process.
Dixon pipes up that Nerdy Guy is known for rigging his cases with self-destruct devices, so Syd'll have to get him to open the case for her. Hence the little seduction scene that greeted us at the beginning (or is it the middle?) of the episode. "Do you have any suggestions?" she grits. "I assume you'll come up with something interesting," snides Sloane. Heh. He is LOVING this. "Are there any questions?" he asks, wrapping up. "Besides 'how'd you get this job'?" snarks Syd, not looking at him. Hee. "Sydney?" says Jack in a warning tone. "Syd…" says Dixon in a warning tone. Come on, Vaughn! Where's your Sydney warning tone? Huh? What is this? Why are they trying to shut her up? It's not like she's going to take a PowerBook G4 to his temple or anything. She's just (rightfully) asking today's burning question: what in the HELL is Sloane doing here? We don't get an answer to the question, however, because Sydney quickly moves on to ask what the "APO" on the cover of her briefing notebook stands for. "Apple Production Office," dontchya know? Actually, it's the name of their new organization, says Sloane. And it's right on the door they entered to get in here. In fact, you've already seen it. "Authorized Personnel Only." Aw. Isn't that cute?
Syd abruptly leaves, using mission prep as her excuse. Later, she's sitting at her desk, organizing her paper clips and finding a spot for her hidden stash of Trident, when Dix walks up and they make eye contact. He walks right over to her and states exactly what she's thinking: "If I'd known Sloane was involved? Not a chance." They both agree that the method of recruitment was a bit sneaky, but Dix argues that, while working for the Chief Financial Officer of Ookiness is incredibly distasteful, it does put them in a prime location for watching him and making sure he doesn't step out of line. Dix then exposits that he wanted out of the director job at the CIA; that suit just wasn't him, he's a field man at heart. When Angie offered him the job, he jumped at it.
Sloane slimes up and states that he knows all about their reluctance to work with him and he understands it. Well, that's awfully big of him, considering he's murdered a bunch of people, some of whom they loved and cared about. And then he delivers one of the biggest clunkers of the show: "Despite my former allegiance, my betrayal of you, of this country, you can't deny it. We were a great team. So I'll do this just once and ask you to please…give me a chance." I…what? Despite all that bad shit I did before, including how I killed those people you loved and how I basically worked for the enemy for, oh, I don't know, the majority of my life, didn't we have fun together? Wasn't it great? That's like my ex-boyfriend saying to me, "Yeah, I'm an asshole, but don't I make you laugh?" Like, what kind of trade-off is that? "We're a great team. Please forget about what an evil slug I am!" I don't THINK so. Syd doesn't think so either and, after Sloane scuzzes off, she shoots a sidelong glance at Dix and states that the only thing that makes this entire thing worth it is that she has Dixon as her partner again. They smile at each other and have this cute little handshake moment and sigh…I missed them together like this. We haven't had a Syd and Dix who trust each other and work together since…well, since before Phase One. And the fact that they're together again nudges this season up a notch in my estimation. Don't worry. It'll get knocked down here again in just a second.
The New-Fangled Ovary Electric. As Sarah McLachlan warbles over a product-placed iPod, we watch as Sydney packs for the upcoming mission. I've said it before and I'll say it again, Syd's post-fire apartment is effin' COOL and I want it for my very own. This is why I must be very, very rich very, very soon. Do you think I'd get any money for one of my kidneys? How about both? Ponder that and get back to me.
So, we spend a solid minute trailing Syd around her gorgeous apartment, then the doorbell rings. Syd answers it and Vaughn's there. He apologizes for dropping by, she says it's okay, and an awkward moment follows. "I miss you," says Vaughn. "I wanted to say that I miss you." "I miss you too," says Sydney. "I didn't realize how boring Ben Affleck was." Score! Point! Thank you! I'll be here all night. No. She doesn't say that. Basically, we learn through some nice, natural dialogue that Syd has pretty much been avoiding Vaughn because she was afraid that they'd jump right back into the relationship pool they'd been drowning in before Syd went on that two-year walkabout. Syd thinks they can't just start up where they left off and pretend that those years didn't happen. "Well, that would be nice, wouldn't it?" says Vaughn. The entire viewing audience screams, "HELL, YES, IT WOULD! AND COULD YOU ERASE THE CHARACTER OF 'LAUREN' WHILE YOU'RE AT IT? THANKS!"
Syd wants to take it slow. Vaughn kind of half-assedly agrees. And then we move to the train en route from Belarus to Latvia, and the hot sex scene that everyone thought was going to happen right there either doesn't happen and happens later, or it happens but we only flash back to it later. It's very confusing. You'll see what I mean. So. Train. Syd and Vaughn are back in the baggage car, getting ready. Vaughn's wearing nerdy glasses and an overcoat. Syd's dressed as the Swedish waitress. He asks if she's ready to go. She says she is and asks if he is. He answers her in Russian and (as one of the posters kindly translated) says, "Nice tits." Sydney just giggles. And that little moment there is why I think the sex scene that supposedly didn't happen back at Syd's place actually DID happen and, when it shows up shortly after this train sideline, it's really a flashback. You can't change my mind on this. You just can't.
Nerdy Guy's Room. Nerdy Guy (yes, he has a name - but do you really care what it is? He's never showing up again, I promise you) is sitting at a table, looking through papers and smoking. Syd blithely enters and starts unpacking her stuff as if this is her room. Nerdy Guy says it's his room. Syd says it's her room. No, it's his. No, it's hers. No, he has a ticket. See? No, she has a ticket. See? They both have a ticket to the same room. Imagine that. Over in the dining car, Vaughn enters, dorky glasses and hot stubble intact. He makes his way over to the table with the green fountain pen and sits down across from…Rick Yune. Yummy. Rick Yune asks Vaughn if he'd care for some tea. Vaughn prefers bourbon. This is their little code word game. Vaughn does moderately well with the Russian accent. Rick Yune doesn't bother with one because he's hot and he's Korean and he doesn't have to do anything that anyone tells him to do. Back in the Sleeping Car of Convenience, Syd continues her Seduction of the Smarty Pants. She goes off to change into her slut-bunny outfit as Nerdy Guy curses himself for not bringing any Condoms of Contrivance with him on the train.
Back again in the dining car. Vaughn pulls out a briefcase and nervously asks Rick Yune if he really wants to do this in public. "Mr. Vadik is not afraid of the public," says Rick Yune. "And neither am I." So Vaughn opens the case, types something into the keyboard, and the interior hatch opens up, or whatever, revealing the bogus isotope. He places it on the table. Rick Yune reaches into his bag and pulls out some device and scans the isotope. We go back to the Seduction of the Smarty Pants, already in progress. Syd's in the nightie and Nerdy Guy's again wondering where he can get a condom on such short notice. Back again in the dining car. Vaughn nervously says something about how you can't test power with "toy from hardvare store." Rick Yune just grins at him. That man is dangerous. Dangerously hot! Thank you! Don't forget to tip your waitress!
Rick Yune seems satisfied with his preliminary test of the isotope, because he tosses a small velvet bag at Vaughn and says he'll receive the other half of his payment once the full battery of tests have been completed. Vaughn takes the velvet bag and says something about Rick Yune not being very discreet. Rick Yune just says some crap about terror happening every day and no one noticing it until something detonates and how he and Mr. Vadik rely on that. Yeah. No idea. Vaughn closes the case and opens the velvet bag, revealing that it's full of diamonds. We head back to Syd and Nerdy Guy again, but we already know what happens there, so why don't we go back to Vaughn again because, really, that's where the interesting shit is going down.
Rick Yune is staring at Vaughn while Vaughn looks at the diamonds. Suddenly, his focus narrows and he says, "You look familiar." Okay, that can't be good. Vaughn ad libs that some people say he looks like the hockey player, Alexei Kovalev. I looked up Alexei's picture and…no. The only way Vaughn could look like Kovalev would be if someone slapped him around for a couple of hours with a two-by-four and then stapled a Doris Day wig to his head and threw him out onto the ice. Rick Yune agrees with me. "No," he grits. "That's not it." And we go to commercial number two of the four thousand commercials that take place between the "0:35" and the "1:59" markers on my TiVo timeline.
When we return, Rick Yune's still staring suspiciously at Vaughn. Vaughn hems and haws and says that maybe they've met before or…maybe he knows his boss, Mr. Vadik. And, since we discover later that Rick Yune IS Vadik, this is the precise moment that Rick Yune knows that Vaughn is full of the -- how you say? Shit. Rick Yune nods at one of his henchmen in the back and the guy comes up and puts a meaty hand on Vaughn's shoulder. Vaughn's all, vat is zees? Rick Yune's all, I don't know who you are, but you ain't Nerdy Guy, okay? He then announces that he's getting off the train a little early and looks out the window, where a helicopter has just arrived. He tells his henchman to find out who Vaughn is, gets up, grabs the diamond bag, and walks off.
Vaughn looks around nervously and sees Rick Yune talking to another henchman. He gets on the comm and tells Syd they've been made and that there's a baddie heading her way. That's the moment, back in Nerdy Guy's room, where Syd kind of cocks her head to the right and looks worried. The rest of the scene with Nerdy Guy goes as it did in the beginning of the episode and, as the Henchman drags Vaughn out of the dining car, Syd makes her break down the hallway toward the baggage car. Vaughn removes his fake glasses as he and the henchman make their way to a sleeping compartment. They enter, and Vaughn does his best to kick the guy's ass but the guy has about a hundred pounds on him, so it doesn't go as smoothly as I imagine he hoped it would. Vaughn's fight is actually kind of funny, what with the Hulk versus the Green Lantern thing they have going.
Baggage car: fight fight fight. Sleeping car: fight fight fight. Baggage car: fight fight fight, oops! Out the door. Sleeping car: fight fight fight, d'oh! Hulk down. Vaughn goes running toward…the baggage car, I guess, even though -- how would he know they're there? Yeah, I don't know. So, anyway, we're back to where we started and Syd's about to fall but then Vaughn shows up, kicks the baddie's ass, flings him out the door, and saves Syd just in the nick of time. She flings herself into his arms and they hug and then there's…a moment. You know that moment. Where you can totally tell you're going to have sex with this person, like, soon. They look at each other and then we're…transported to Sydney's bedroom and she's wearing the same gray tank she was wearing when Vaughn showed up at her door before the train mission and she and Vaughn are totally going at it in her bed and…see? I totally understand that having the emotional sex scene right after the rescue is much more cathartic and cinematic and even though I disagree with the usage of the oldest U2 song since THE BEGINNING OF TIME, I still think this was an appropriate place for the love scene. But…did they have to go all the way back to Syd's apartment to do it? I mean, you're on a train, on your way to Latvia, you have an intense emotional moment following a death-defying series of fights, you look soulfully into each others eyes and…you jump onto a plane, take a three hour flight to Zurich, change planes, take an eleven hour flight to Los Angeles, hop a cab, drive to Sydney's and…go at it as if no time has passed? See, that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, which is why, again, I think this is a flashback. Or, at least, IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN.
So, whatever, Syd and Vaughn are going at it. And as much as I may be annoyed by yet another example of what the writers (or producers or ABC for that matter) may refer to as "Fuck It, Let's Do It Anyway Because No One Will Notice" syndrome, I'm totally behind the notion of getting the Spy Sex up front and out of the way. Because if we'd had to wait another half a season to get these two into the sack, I would have called Sars and handed over the recapping duties to somebody who still gave a shit. Okay. Spy Sex and more Spy Sex. Then, suddenly, Vaughn sort of…stops. Right there. In mid-sex. What happened? Was it the jet lag? Was it the U2 song? Bono has brought many a man to his impotent knees, my friends. It's a well-known fact. So, coitus interruptus, and Vaughn rolls off Syd. They kind of look fondly at each other and Syd strokes his face. Vaughn kind of wryly smiles at her and looks away. They both kind of stare off into the distance and…scene. No, I'm not kidding.
When we come back from break, we get an overhead shot of Hell-Lay, as a voice-over from Vaughn says, "Syd, before we left, Jack came to me with a message for you." Notice how this line is not delivered onscreen, y'all. I'm just sayin'. Also? What kind of guy interrupts hot Spy Sex to talk about your dad? That's just…that's wrong, people. It's wrong. Vaughn continues, saying that Jack wanted to remind Syd that in Belarus, they weren't going to have a tactical team. Again, that line, delivered in the past tense, takes place off-screen. All I'm sayin' is, if they had originally wanted this scene to occur before Belarus and then changed their minds, they totally could have. Okay. I'll stop obsessing now.
Vaughn sits up on his elbow and asks Syd why Jack is delivering messages through Vaughn. He goes on to say that, when he was in D.C., he knew that Syd went to Wittenberg and that Jack was there. Syd kind of breathes deeply and looks uncomfortable. "What happened in Wittenberg?" he asks, allowing us to take a trip through time back to Wittenberg. Want to know what happened? Follow the link, children. Trust me. There's nothing different. Oh, except we don't see that whole "Sydney was born to be a spy, no really, NO REALLY, in as much as we HAD HER so we could TURN HER INTO A SPY and make sure she BROUGHT THE PROPHECY TO LIFE" thing that we pretty much saw on one of the black pages and that ABC actually was stupid enough to post on their website. Back in the present day, Vaughn asks if Syd wants to tell him what happened in Wittenberg. No, actually, she doesn't. And that's the end of that. Or, you know, it's the end of that until Syd tells him all about it later on in the episode.
Conference Room of Endless Exposition. Sloane's talking about Rick Yune and how he works for Roman Vadik, a bad dude who's number twenty-six on the CIA's most wanted list. He's responsible for all sorts of bad shit, some of which Sloane rattles off, but which I can't be arsed to Google. Vadik's planning a major terrorist attack within the six months and it's the Apple Store's job to take him out of commission. Syd wants to know what their move is, and Sloane responds that a foreign agent managed to get very close to Vadik's operations last year, so Syd's job is to head out and debrief the agent. He dismisses everyone else and tells Syd they'll continue their conversation in the Office of Inappropriate Touching.
We get a kind of odd shot of Jack entering his own office and sitting down at his desk as Sloane, off in his own office in the distance, fills Sydney in on her assignment. Jack looks over at Sloane and Sydney just as Sloane informs her that the agent she's supposed to debrief was with Argentine intelligence. "Your daughter?" Syd asks. "Your sister," volleys Sloane. Heh. He's a bastard. Syd asks why Sloane doesn't just debrief his daughter himself. Sloane then launches into yet another ludicrous expository speech about how he and Nadia went off in search of that Rambaldi "sphere of life" or whatever and how they found it and…promptly handed it over to the U.S. government. Yeah. And if you buy that, I've got a lovely little bit of property for sale known as CHINA. I'll give it to you cheap. Hell, I'll even throw in a bottle of OxyClean.
So, whatever, Sloane and Nadia are the "good guys." Right. Syd rightly surmises that handing over the Rambaldi artifact bought Sloane his position as head of the Apple Store. Sloane sort of ignores the comment and just says that Nadia felt a lot of pain while she was working for the Argentine government and she opted not to join him at the Apple Store. "You sure she really left?" asks Syd. "Fake quitting seems to be all the rage." Hee. I like the new Snarky Syd. She's fun. "She's ooouuut," Sloane snarls hilariously. "She's back in Argentina. She wants nothing to do with me, or this life." He takes a sip from his own personal supply of Rambaldi Life Juice and eyes her. "You're awfully glib, Sydney." "Nadia left you on bad terms," she smirks. "I suppose I have something to learn," slimes Sloane, moving toward her, "about being a father." Oh, ew. EW. I'd say you DO have something to learn about being a father, Sloane. Especially since your idea of "being a father" involves jacking your kid full of Green Goo™ and channeling ancient beings through her soul.
Syd's all, I wasn't being glib, okay? And what makes you think she'll talk to me, anyway? Sloane's all, because I see something in her that I once saw in you: the need to make things right. Syd's all, oh, whatever. Sloane's all, and you have a innate ability to separate yourself from personal issues, which is a gift. Syd's all, oh, dude. That is NOT a gift. IT'S A NECESSITY, you gimpy, creepy, murderous little troll. "And it's become a burden," she continues, "and, quite frankly, something I've run out of patience for." She stalks off as Sloane just looks after her, cursing himself for not trying to sneak in a little inappropriate touching during the whole "you have a gift" speech.
Elsewhere in the Apple Store, Jack walks over to Vaughn and says, "Vaughn, before she goes, you might tell her the truth --" "No," snaps Vaughn. "I'm not gonna be a conduit to your daughter. I've tried that before -- you can imagine how well that went over." Heh. Jack furrows his brow. "And, no," continues Vaughn, "she didn't say anything, if that's what you're asking yourself. She hasn't said a word about what happened between the two of you, which gives me an idea of what that is." He looks sternly at his future father-in-law. "Jack, I hope for Sydney's sake, that I'm wrong." He just walks off as Jack thinks to himself, "Damn. I shoulda had that kid killed when I had the chance."
Argentina. Syd walks along a beach and makes it over to a little outdoor bar area. That is SO Malibu, people. Syd sees Nadia in the distance, enjoying herself with a couple of friends. Nadia notices Syd and they both gently smile at each other. Nadia leaves her beer behind and they make their way toward each other. There's a nice moment where they kind of assess each other and then tentatively hug. "I'm guessing this isn't a personal visit," says Nadia. "No," says Sydney, rather reluctantly. They've either communicated quite a bit since Vaughn and Sydney rescued her Green Goo™-ed ass from Sloane's clutches, or they're both just naturally quick to accept distant relatives about whom they know nothing.
Whatever. They go over to a pier and talk about Roman Vadik. Syd tells Nadia that she needs her to come back to the States with her. Nadia says no, and then pulls her wallet out and shows Sydney a picture of her with a guy. She tells Syd that the guy was a good friend who worked with her and that Vadik killed him and had his head shipped back to her office. Nice. So, Nadia won't go back with Syd, but she'll give her what she has. Namely, that no one deals with Vadik directly, everyone goes through his lieutenant. "You wanna write this down?" she asks. "No, I got it," says Syd, because, after all, she is the Super Spy and has a photographic and phonographic memory.
So, Vadik's lieutenant is Kazu Tamazki. Or, for our purposes, Rick Yune. Rick Yune fancies himself a modern-day samurai. He was arrested five years ago trying to rob some fictional Asian museum in London. (Yes, I looked it up. Don't test me.) He escaped from police custody. Sydney states that men like Rick Yune need to be eliminated. Nadia just says she can't go there right now. She looks heartbroken and pained as she says it and asks Sydney if she understands. Sydney totally does.
We leave Nadia then, and head back over to Ovary Electric, where Syd's preparing a tasty meal for her boyfriend. The doorbell rings and Syd runs to get it, thinking it's Vaughn at the door. Instead, it's Jack, and he just barges right in. He's all, dude? You have to quit shutting me out! We have to communicate! Come on! We work together! Syd just stalks off as Jack follows her. "I'm doing my job," snaps Syd, concentrating on chopping carrots. "No," Jack snaps back. "What you need to do is find a way to accept what's happened. If you can deal with Arvin Sloane --" "I love that you knew that," she snits. "That you approved it." Jack just grimaces and says, "It may be hard for you to accept that your father doesn't have the authority to make all the decisions that --" "No, what's hard for me to accept is all the decisions that you DO make!" Here, Syd finally looks at her father. "What's hard is looking at you, walking past you, smelling that sickening cologne," she says, putting something in the fridge. Hee. The cologne line killed me for some reason. "What's hard is…being your daughter and not being able to separate myself, as far as I may get, from the person I despise the most." Damn. That's harsh.
Jack takes it like a man, though, and performs the famous "Bristow Pout." "You went to see Nadia," he spits. "Did you tell her…what you know?" What does she know, Jack? WHAT DOES SHE KNOW? "I guess I thought," says Syd, turning from the fridge, "that maybe you'd come here, I don't know, to give me something, information -- something that would help make sense of what I was afraid you'd become, but there's nothing you could say. Of course, you were only looking out for yourself. Is that what you think of me? As an operative? That I would reveal your secret to that poor girl?" Jack doesn't respond. Luckily, he doesn't have to. Vaughn enters just then, obviously using the key that Sydney gave him right after she gave him that "let's take it slow" speech. "I didn't tell Nadia a thing," hisses Syd as Vaughn enters the kitchen with a bag of groceries which…yeah, isn't she already making him dinner? What's he bringing, a bag full of dessert? Silly boy. Doesn't he know that HE'S dessert? Jack ignores Vaughn and just walks off. Vaughn looks after him all, dude? Aren't you staying for dessert? He looks back at Sydney, who's rapidly slicing her way through a pound of onions or something. He approaches her, obviously attempting to give her comfort, but she just says, "Sorry," and skitters off.
Seconds later, Vaughn enters Syd's bedroom, where she's sitting on the edge of the bed, hugging her knee to her chest. "What's going on?" he asks. "It was Lauren who told me," says Syd, launching into her "What Jack Did Wrong THIS Time" explanation. So, Sydney tells Vaughn the story of the Wittenberg safety deposit box and how she went to find out what was in it and when she got there and opened it up, inside the box there was a classified file on black paper and…well, you know the rest. Oh, except for the part where Syd discovered evidence that Irina Derevko had been a security risk (well, duh) and how Jack asked for, and got, authority to execute her. Vaughn looks all d'oh! about this, but not nearly as d'oh! as he should, which kind of makes me think…Vaughn maybe had something to do with Irina's death? I dunno. I'm talking out my ass here, people. Anyway, back to the dramatic reveal: "And he did it," says Syd, bringing on the water works. "He killed her. He killed my mother." Vaughn pulls Syd into his arms and she curls up on his lap. "He did it, Vaughn. He killed my mother."
And I think this is an appropriate place to end this recap and go on to the one and now I'll tell you to turn to page 773 of your Alias textbooks and feast your eyes on Chapter 47: How to End an Episode. Ms. Kroy? Will you kindly read from the chapter, please? And speak up so everyone can hear you!
on Alias: Go to the recap. Trust me on this.