|
5-16 2006.05.22 |
One down, one to go In Part One of this series finale two-parter, we follow Sloane's actions as he kidnaps Marshall and Rachel, travels to an ice chamber below Mount Subasio, and discovers just what Rambaldi meant by "sky" in his prophecy. In case you were wondering, it has nothing to do with that stuff up above your head with fluffy clouds rolling around in it. Oh, and Sydney falls down a crevasse and is dead. Yeah, because you haven't SEEN the next episode. |
| 4-9 Recap |
And that word is, "Buh-bye."
A Man of His Word - Nadia's in a coma. Then she's not. Sloane wants Anna dead. Then she gets caught. The writers keep mistaking Sark for Hannibal Lecter. Then they keep hitting the hash pipe and forget dialogue from ONE WEEK AGO. I'm not sure what the purpose of this episode was, but it had David Anders in it for more than ten minutes, so I guess I don't really care what the purpose was supposed to be. |
2005.03.02 2005.03.07 |
B- |
Erin |
| 4-8 Recap |
Sark. Do I even need to say anything else?
Echoes - That's right. Sark. He's back. But it's only for, like, ten minutes and he gets beaten all to hell and then acts like he's channeling Anthony Hopkins or something, so it's really not the triumphant return we were hoping for. But…David Anders. Sigh. Anna Espinosa's back too, and she and Syd exchange blows. There's some issue with a neurotoxin or something, and some guy's finger gets cut off, but all you really need to know is that at the end of this episode, Nadia gets shot. Yeah. Shocker, huh? Except, you know, not. |
2005.02.23 2005.02.28 |
A |
Erin |
| 4-7 Recap |
Stow it, Sydney
Détente - Syd's still carrying around pounds and pounds of baggage marked "Sloane killed everyone I love and now I work for the bastard, please remit to sender." She really needs to send that shit into a personal storage unit, like, pronto. Elsewhere in the episode, some Russian steals some stuff that makes things explode, and Syd and Nadia have to dress up like high-class hookers in order to get it back. Yes, it makes about that much sense. |
2005.02.16 2005.02.21 |
C |
Erin |
| 4-6 Recap |
The Vampire LeSyd
Nocturne - Syd gets bitten on the neck by a delusional narcotics agent and winds up getting infected with the same drug that was making him delusional in the first place. She goes all whack-ass crazy and sees spiders and hallucinations and somehow Goths and a guy with the codename "The Count" play an important role. As does Marilyn Manson. Is he still alive? And if so, is he still wearing women's underwear? Because that's just not right. |
2005.02.09 2005.02.13 |
A |
Erin |
| 4-5 Recap |
Young (Fake) Americans
Welcome to Liberty Village - Syd and Vaughn infiltrate a Russian training ground whose purpose seems to be turning out terrorists who have excellent American accents. They have to pretend to be married. And that's it. No, that's really it. There's nothing more to it. |
2005.01.26 2005.01.30 |
C |
Erin |
| 4-4 Recap |
The Ice 5 Man Cometh
Ice - A bad Irish man has a bioweapon that can freeze people from the inside out, and it's up to the Appleseed gang to keep it out of the open market. Meanwhile, Nadia discovers a picture of her mother holding a baby that no one seems to be able to identify. For some reason, this is ominous and makes audience members around the world fear for the return of Moronen as another errant Derevko child. That happens? I am OUTTA here. |
2005.01.19 2005.01.23 |
A |
Erin |
| 4-3 Recap |
If by "awful" you mean "awfully convenient for Jack."
The Awful Truth - What happens when you take Syd, Marshall, Dixon, and Vaughn to the Bahamas and let them loose in a bank? About seven different accents and one terrifying Rasta wig, that's what happens. In other news, some sleazy British guy steals this, like, really important computer and Syd has to go get it. Then Jack tells Nadia that the sleazy British guy is the one who killed her mother, so Nadia pumps him full of lead. Yeah. That's not gonna come back to haunt him or anything. |
2005.01.12 2005.01.16 |
B- |
Erin |
| 4-2 Recap |
Double Your Premiere, Double Your Fun
Authorized Personnel Only, Part II - If by "fun" you mean "commercials." Seriously. I think there were more commercials in this second half than there was show footage. But whatever. Syd and crew go after Rick Yune and, in the process, we learn that yes, Jack did kill Irina, but mostly cuz Irina had put out a hit on her own daughter and Rick Yune was supposed to be her assassin. Man. That family is effed up. |
2005.01.05 2005.01.10 |
C+ |
Erin |
| 4-1 Recap |
Welcome to the Apple Store. Would you like a gun with your iPod?
Authorized Personnel Only, Part I - Syd quits the CIA. But then she doesn't. Then Vaughn, Dixon, Jack and Marshall all do the same thing. They're all part of a new black ops division that's headed up by…Arvin Sloane. There are missions and fights and sex galore, but the first half of this two-hour episode ends on a bummer: Jack killed Irina. Couldn't they just get divorced like normal people? |
2005.01.05 2005.01.10 |
B- |
Erin |
| 3-22 Recap |
Ding-Dong, The Moronen's Dead!
Resurrection - Yeah. I'll believe it when I see it in January. So, yeah, Vaughn shoots Moronen after she tells Syd all sorts of half-truths about her past. She may or may not be dead. And Syd heads to Wittenburg to discover that her entire life has actually been a CIA-sanctioned version of The Truman Show. And it's all Spy Daddy's fault. Nice. |
2004.05.23 2004.05.30 |
B |
Erin |
| 3-21 Recap |
Can I get mustard with that?
Legacy - There are so many holes in the plot of this episode that you almost want to slice it up and serve it with ham on rye and a side of slaw. Vaughn's pissed. And he's not gonna take it anymore. And Syd's about thirty seconds away from telling him to take a Valium and call her in the morning. Also? Nadia gets rescued from Sloane's clutches, and Sark and Moronen escape to see another day. |
2004.05.02 2004.05.07 |
C |
Erin |
| 3-20 Recap |
Swing Out, Sister
Blood Ties - Syd finds her little sister, and she turns out to be just as bad-ass as Syd. Their reunion is short-lived, however, because Sloane just wants to take Spy Skipper off to a remote corner of the planet and make her channel Rambaldi. God. He couldn't just GROUND her or something? |
2004.04.25 2004.05.02 |
B- |
Erin |
| 3-19 Recap |
Sloane's Dead! Long Live Sloane!
Hourglass - Sloane dies. Sort of. Everyone gets closer to The Passenger. Kind of. Moronen gets caught. Almost. And this episode kicked ass. There's no "maybe" about it. |
2004.04.18 2004.04.24 |
A+ |
Erin |
| 3-18 Recap |
Pssst. Lauren's evil. Pass it on.
Unveiled - Vaughn FINALLY clues in to the fact that his wife is a lying, cheating, murderous bitch. Okay, so he just finds her Wig of Wickedness in a suitcase. Same thing. Oh, and the only news we get on The Passenger is that it's not an "it," it's a woman. Ooooh. Scary. |
2004.04.11 2004.04.17 |
B |
Erin |
| 3-17 Recap |
The Frame
The Frame - Vaughn and Lauren break up, but then her mom kills her dad, so they get back together. Yeah. |
2004.03.28 2004.04.01 |
B- |
Kim |
| 3-16 Recap |
Taken
Taken - Dixon's kids get kidnapped by Sark and the Covenant. |
2004.03.21 2004.03.25 |
B |
Kim |
| 3-15 Recap |
Oh, if only this actually WERE The Office.
Façade - ...we'd be laughing a lot more and yawning a lot less. Ricky Gervais guest stars as a genius-type bomb-maker with a vendetta against the Covenant and the person who killed his brother. Too bad that person is Syd. Vaughn sports a pair of glasses that make librarians everywhere swoon, and Sark is taken into custody again, some more, but not before he helps dismantle a bomb. And Sloane and Dr. Nancy engage in some middle-aged sex which forces the majority of the audience to poke their eyes out with rusty nails. |
2004.03.14 2004.03.20 |
B- |
Erin |
| 3-14 Recap |
Blowback? Blow me.
Blowback - I'm sorry. If you title an episode "Blowback," you're just begging for a headline like that. Syd and Vaughn chase down a bomb, with Sark and Lauren following closely behind. Sloane and Dr. Nancy's lack of cleavage share a glass of wine and a secret: Sloane is Sydney's real father. And, because nothing says "cutting edge" like "repetition," we get to watch the entire first half of the show over again when it's rewound and told from Lauren and Sark's POVs. I'm all for recycling, but this is ridiculous. |
2004.03.07 2004.03.12 |
C+ |
Erin |
| 3-13 Recap |
Did I mention the ass?
After Six - Because the ass I smelled in the last episode is present and accounted for in this one. Lauren's a bad guy. And Sark digs that about her. And they team up to take over the Covenant. And Syd and Vaughn have a problem working together because they keep wanting to make out. And they go to a chalet in Switzerland for no good reason. And Sloane's shooting up some green goo that is never even explained. And this crap better improve when the next episode airs three weeks from now or I'm going on strike. |
2004.02.15 2004.02.20 |
D |
Erin |
| 3-12 Recap |
Sniff sniff. Do you smell ass?
Crossings - Because I certainly smell ass. And it's coming from the direction of this episode. I'm sorry, but it's true. What happens during the show, you ask? Well, there's a trip to North Korea, Lauren's still eeeeeevil, Vaughn nearly tells Syd he loves her, Isabella Rossellini kicks ass and digs around in Jack's liver, and I'm not sure if anything else happened past this point because I really zzzzzzzzzz. |
2004.01.18 2004.01.21 |
D |
Erin |
| 3-11 Recap |
Thank you for flying Exposition Airlines
Full Disclosure - There are exits at either end of the plane. Unfortunately, they're all locked, and you're trapped here for the better part of an hour, listening to Kendall tell Sydney about how she really was Julia Thorne during the Lost Years, and that the Covenant harvested some of Syd's eggs in order to plug them full of Rambaldi DNA so we could all rejoice at the second coming of a man who invented a bunch of machines that don't really do much at all. Welcome aboard. Coffee? Tea? Shotgun? Poison darts? An escape pod? Fasten your seatbelts for takeoff, dudes. It's a long ride. |
2004.01.11 2004.01.16 |
B- |
Erin |
| 3-10 Recap |
You Give Me Fever
Remnants - Well, Will certainly gave Syd sumpin', but it sure as hell is hotter than a fever. In fact, it involved something resembling a condom and a generous amount of vodka. In other news, Penis Head's dead. And Sloane got him that way. Jack instructs Vaughn to leave his little girl alone, and Syd heads off to Wisconsin to do a little boot-knockin' with her old buddy Will. They also go on an assignment to recover something from Graz or something, and Sark shows up just long enough to get his ass kicked while Will takes a page out of the Spy Daddy operations book and shoves a knife into Francinator's chest. I really hope she stays dead this time. |
2003.12.07 2003.12.13 |
B |
Erin |
| 3-9 Recap |
Dream On
Conscious - Hey, remember when you saw the promos for this episode and you totally thought you'd find out what in the hell Syd was doing during the Lost Years? And how David Cronenberg was somehow involved? And how Syd kicked Lauren's ass? And how there was the promise of some hot lip action going on between Syd and Vaughn? Yeah. At least the last three parts came true. |
2003.11.30 2003.12.05 |
B |
Erin |
| 3-8 Recap |
Papa, Can You Hear Me?
Breaking Point - Yes he can, Sydney. And he's coming to git ya. Syd's being held by the NSC, and Spy Daddy drafts Shaft to go in and get her. Sloane takes a bullet for Jack, and Jack extracts it in his makeshift operating room, saving Sloane's life. Lauren earns her name back by helping Vaughn and Spy Daddy get Syd out of prison. Pruitt Taylor Vince shows up just long enough to creep all of us out with his googly eyes. |
2003.11.23 2003.12.01 |
B+ |
Erin |
| 3-7 Recap |
Hell Hath No Fury
Prelude - Like a Killjoy scorned. Man, this episode rules. We have ass-kicking in China, Vaughn threatening Jack in Hell-Lay, Spy Daddy murdering Chavez y Chavez in Mexico, and Syd making her scary tube-and-blood dreams a reality right in the heart of Rome. It's one hell of a fine ride in this roller coaster of an episode. And it's about goddamn time, too. Welcome back, Alias! |
2003.11.09 2003.11.15 |
A |
Erin |
| 3-6 Recap |
The Bitch Is Back
The Nemesis - That's right. Francinator's back, and she's got something of a bone to pick with Sydney. Unfortunately, we have to deal with some sideline plot about a missile-detecting device and a guy with reconstructive surgery before we can get to the Worst Girl Fight Ever. There's some naked Sark and some Spy Sexual Tension, and we get a bad explanation for the OmniAccent along the way, but the only thing we learn about the Lost Years is.well.nothing, actually. Man, that really sucks. |
2003.11.02 2003.11.07 |
C+ |
Erin |
| 3-5 Recap |
Two's Company, Three's a Crowd
Repercussions - And four's a damn party! Vaughn's in the hospital for a bit, recovering from his Syd-inflicted stab wound. Killjoy threatens Syd with transferal, only to recant her threat twenty-four hours later after a car chase with Syd changes her mind and turns her anger to well-formed girl love. Sloane joins the crew as a double agent with Djimon Hounsou in his pocket. Mmmm.Djimon Hounsou. Glad he's around, because Soymoan? Gone, baby. Gone. Yes, I'm crying. Shut UP. |
2003.10.26 2003.11.01 |
B- |
Erin |
| 3-4 Recap |
Missing? I'll tell you what's missing.
A Missing Link - An episode that sucks is what's missing. For the first time this season, JJ and crew came up with a plot that involved Justin Theroux, Syd diving nineteen floors into a pool without being pulverized, Super Bad Spy Daddy, Elephant marital spats, angry pregnant women, Satan Sloane, a Vaughn stabbing, and the tiniest bit of Sark action. And Justin Theroux. Shirtless. Vaughn who? |
2003.10.19 2003.10.25 |
B+ |
Erin |
| 3-3 Recap |
Nothing to see here, folks. Move along.
Reunion - Really. No, really. The only thing interesting that happened in this episode was that part where Michael Vartan took his shirt off. Everything else was just blah blah blah satellite, blah blah blah I hate your ex-girlfriend and blah blah blah wait, did I just blink and miss Victor Garber? I've had more fun watching lint grow in my bellybutton. |
2003.10.12 2003.10.17 |
C- |
Erin |
| 3-2 Recap |
Sharon! This episode sucked!
Succession - No, I'm not kidding. This episode blew. So, Syd went to a porn theatre and discovered a severed head. Big deal. Then Sark had to be traded for some German dude. Yeah. Yawn. Then Syd had to dress up in a black bob and a necktie in order to nab some other German dude. I have NO idea what the purpose of this episode was, other than to annoy and irritate me. Julio? Drinks all around. We have to deal with this in a fully inebriated manner. With straws! |
2003.10.05 2003.10.10 |
C |
Erin |