|
5-17 2006.05.22 |
This is the end. My foolish friends, the end. Sloane shoots Jack,and Sydney shoots Sloane, but he's already discovered eternal life, so that doesn't really have much effect on him. Irina's behind the whole kit and caboodle,and this entire series wraps up with us thinking that five years and trillions of Rambaldi references have lead to nothing more than immortality and a bitchy power-hungry mother. It all ends reasonably well with Jack sacrificing himself to remove Sloane from humanity and the new Spy Family retiring to a little cottage on the beach. And everyone lives happily ever after. |
| 5-17 Recap |
This is the end. My foolish friends, the end.
All the Time in the World - Sloane shoots Jack,and Sydney shoots Sloane, but he's already discovered eternal life, so that doesn't really have much effect on him. Irina's behind the whole kit and caboodle,and this entire series wraps up with us thinking that five years and trillions of Rambaldi references have lead to nothing more than immortality and a bitchy power-hungry mother. It all ends reasonably well with Jack sacrificing himself to remove Sloane from humanity and the new Spy Family retiring to a little cottage on the beach. And everyone lives happily ever after. |
2006.05.22 2006.05.29 |
B |
Erin |
| 5-16 Recap |
One down, one to go
Reprisal - In Part One of this series finale two-parter, we follow Sloane's actions as he kidnaps Marshall and Rachel, travels to an ice chamber below Mount Subasio, and discovers just what Rambaldi meant by "sky" in his prophecy. In case you were wondering, it has nothing to do with that stuff up above your head with fluffy clouds rolling around in it. Oh, and Sydney falls down a crevasse and is dead. Yeah, because you haven't SEEN the next episode. |
2006.05.22 2006.05.28 |
B |
Erin |
| 5-15 Recap |
A rose by any other name, would look like a creepy old guy.
No Hard Feelings - Syd pretends to be Anna pretending to be Syd and heads off for some prison that used to be a monastery in an effort to retrieve something called The Rose. All she winds up doing is getting an amulet that Sloane quickly steals. It's all leading to Rambaldi's Greatest Mystery™ that may or may not lead to the end of the world. |
2006.05.17 2006.05.22 |
B |
Erin |
| 5-14 Recap |
A chip off the old Élodie
I See Dead People - A microchip with Vaughn's name etched onto it is discovered in dead Élodie's body, forcing Syd and Jack to contact Vaughn in the distant reaches of Nepalbhutansomeplacewithyaks. SydAnna gets there first, however, and digs a matching chip out of Vaughn's naked chest, leading them to a bunker in Germany. It all ends with SydAnna's death and the reappearance of Hot!Sark! So…all's well that ends well? |
2006.05.10 2006.05.16 |
A |
Erin |
| 5-13 Recap |
Daddies with glass tables shouldn't throw daughters.
30 Seconds - Sloane resurrects Nadia with a Rambaldi cure, only to accidentally kill her a day or so later when she comes between him and his precious Rambaldi. Élodie's dead too, courtesy of SydAnna, who is one cold-hearted bitch of a killer. Rambaldi's endgame seems to be moving closer, as Sloane joins forces with Prophet Five and finally embraces his inner evil. |
2006.05.03 2006.05.08 |
A |
Erin |
| 5-12 Recap |
Two Sydneys for the price of one.
There's Only One Sydney Bristow - In the bargain basement deal of the century, Peyton recruits Anna into Prophet Five--and gets another Sydney in the process! Thaaaat's right: Anna gets cloned into Sydney. And Will? Well, Will shows up just long enough to make us remember how much we miss him. |
2006.04.26 2006.05.02 |
A- |
Erin |
| 5-11 Recap |
Happy Mother's Day, bitch.
Maternal Instinct - Irina shows up, tells Syd that she never wanted to be a mother in the first place and...kind of hates being one, delivers Syd's baby, and then skedaddles out of town with The Horizon firmly in her possession. No Mother's Day card for her! She also says that she gave the order to have Vaughn shot, but since he's alive and well and living in Bhutan, it doesn't really matter. |
2006.04.19 2006.04.25 |
B |
Erin |
| 5-10 Recap |
"So when you're near me, darling can't you hear me, S.O.S.!"
S.O.S. - Sing it, Abba! Sing louder -- Syd can't hear you because she's trapped on a boat in the middle of the ocean, and there's something wrong with the Spy Fetus. Hey, maybe if you sing "Dancing Queen," we won't notice the boring B-story with Getty and some guy he's looking for called "The Cardinal." But sing the extended disco version, because the less we hear of "The Cardinal" the better. |
2006.04.19 2006.04.24 |
B+ |
Erin |
| 5-9 Recap |
Electric (Stick of Honesty) Dreams
The Horizon - Syd's kidnapped and drugged and zapped periodically with an electric shock stick, all so that she'll remember some name that is the location of something called "The Horizon." What this is, we don't find out. But we do discover that Prophet Five has possibly nefarious plans for the Spy Fetus, and that Syd is in the middle of an ocean with no land anywhere in sight. Oh, and Irina Derevko's behind it all. That's important, right? |
2005.12.14 2005.12.19 |
A |
Erin |
| 5-8 Recap |
Rachel went to São Paulo and all we got was this lousy episode.
Bob - Oh, okay, so it wasn't actually lousy. But it wasn't all that noteworthy either. Rachel goes on assignment in São Paulo and winds up doing the deed with none other than Julian Sark. It's kind of hot. Jack goes to intercept the sale of a micropulse bomb and gets kidnapped. That's not hot at all. |
2005.12.07 2005.12.13 |
B- |
Erin |
| 5-7 Recap |
Sloane apparently likes the triple cross.
Fait Accompli - Sloane goes to Jack and exposes his agreement with Gordo and declares that he's going to help the Apple Store catch him. During the capture, however, it's discovered that the organization Gordo is working for is actually made up of twelve government agencies. Sloane gets roped back into working for the same organization he's just extricated himself from, only to save his daughter. Oh, and Jack and Syd build a crib. Hilarity ensues. |
2005.11.17 2005.11.22 |
B |
Erin |
| 5-6 Recap |
Dude Looks Like A Lady -- A Ho-Type Lady
Solo - Rachel has to go on her first solo mission and of course this involves her dressing up as a hooker because there are only two types of women spies: the ass-kickers and the hos. Syd spends most of the episode sadly touching her belly, and this moderately entertaining filler ep draws to a close without any follow-up on Daddy-in-the-Box. |
2005.11.10 2005.11.16 |
B |
Erin |
| 5-5 Recap |
Who's yer daddy? ...No, really. Who's your daddy?
Out of the Box - Élodie has her daddy in a box, and she's trying to bring him back to life. Too bad that he's not really her daddy, but some weird doctor named Desantis who has had his brain implanted into her daddy's body. What Desantis has to do with Prophet Five and/or the death of Vaughn remains to be seen. In other evil news, Sloane gets reinstated at the Apple Store, and Jack not only allows it, but accepts it wholeheartedly. Yeah, Jack's up to no good. Thank GOD. |
2005.10.27 2005.11.01 |
B |
Erin |
| 5-4 Recap |
Boobs McPhee: Wonder Whiner
Mockingbird - In order to take down Gordo Dean, the Appleseed Gang has to get into his Cayman Islands bank account and remove all his funds. This means Boobs McPhee and Syd go back to Prague to get a hard drive while Boobs whines a lot. It all leads a mid-air rescue involving Syd and a strategically placed suction cup. I know. My brain hurts just thinking about it. |
2005.10.20 2005.10.26 |
B |
Erin |
| 5-3 Recap |
"The Shed"? It's more like The Shit. And not in the good way.
The Shed - A substance gets stolen from Istanbul, and Getty and Syd and Marshall have to go to Prague to get it. Along the way, they pick up the Sydney substitute, Boobs McPhee, and the audience spends the entire hour looking for any remaining plotlines from the previous two episodes, without much success. |
2005.10.13 2005.10.19 |
D |
Erin |
| 5-2 Recap |
No. The title really does mean nothing.
...1... - Unless you think it means "1 more episode of this shit is all I'll watch." Syd and the Appleseed Gang nab the guy who shot Vaughn, only to let him go and get on a plane that they have to access via stealth bomber. It's so stupid, I can't even talk about it. All you need to know is there's some dead guy in a (fake) niridium-powered chamber and Élodie has him in her custody. |
2005.10.06 2005.10.11 |
C- |
Erin |
| 5-1 Recap |
"André"? Seriously? That's the best you could do?
Prophet Five - Vaughn's real name is André Michaux, and he's been going rogue for the past few years in search of the truth behind something called "Prophet Five." The government thinks he's a double agent, Syd thinks he's nuts, Vaughn thinks "Clementine" is a stupid name for their baby, and Jack thinks he'd better visit his Hidden Bunker of Vendettas, because Syd's gonna get revenge on the guys who killed her honey and she's gonna need ammo right quick. |
2005.09.29 2005.10.04 |
C |
Erin |
| 4-22 Recap |
Whaddya mean his name ISN'T MICHAEL VAUGHN?
Before the Flood - The Spy Family drops into Sevogda in order to save the world, and they do just that. Relatively quickly, they dismantle Clifford, and the only downside is that Nadia is totally infected with the Red-Eyed Menace disease. The last three minutes of the episode totally rock our world as Vaughn announces that his name isn't, in fact, Michael Vaughn and BAM! The rest of his revelation is saved until next season after a CAR CRASHES INTO HIM AND SYD. Someone might need to hold me. And my vodka. |
2005.05.25 2005.06.01 |
A- |
Erin |
| 4-21 Recap |
The bitch is back.
Search and Rescue - And when I say "bitch," I mean that in the nicest way possible. Especially since the bitch in question is Irina Derevko. She's alive, and Syd and Nadia rescue her because she's the only person who can dismantle the big red ball that is now hovering over and infecting an innocent Russian city with its poison. Because there's not enough going on in the world at the moment, Vaughn asks Syd to marry him. The jury's still out on whether or not she says yes. |
2005.05.18 2005.05.25 |
A |
Erin |
| 4-20 Recap |
She's alive! ALIIIIIVE!
The Descent - Elena steals all the cool-ass Rambaldi stuff and is now in the position to bring about a destructive endgame. The only person who can help stop her had a bullet put into her head, courtesy of one Jack Bristow. Good thing Dix happened to see that very same person being escorted in shackles to some van in Prague. Spy Mommy is officially alive, y'all! Oh, and Sloane's helping Elena out, so that's not so good. |
2005.05.18 2005.05.23 |
A |
Erin |
| 4-19 Recap |
The (Creepy Little) Orchid Thief
In Dreams… - Sloane Clone steals a Rambaldi orchid that's supposed to make people (and bees) more peaceful and easy to control. In order to get the orchid before it can be swirled into the world's water supply, the Appleseed Gang has to shove some painful Sloane memories into the Slone Clone in order to wake his ass up and remember who the hell he is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just get to the Lena Olin episode, okay? |
2005.05.11 2005.05.17 |
B |
Erin |
| 4-18 Recap |
Papa, can you hear me? No, seriously. PAPA?
Mirage - Jack's gone gaga, and he's been self-medicating as well. He's hallucinating all sorts of things, including a nice cushy doctor's office and his former wife, Laura. Syd has to pretend to be her mother in order to get the location of the real doctor out of her dad. It's ooky and sweet, all at the same time. The B-story involves Elena and her henchman and the Hydrosec, but I lost interest in that plot halfway through, so I'm sure you did too. |
2005.05.04 2005.05.09 |
A |
Erin |
| 4-17 Recap |
A cup of No-Doz and an espresso IV, STAT!
A Clean Conscience - That's what it took me to stay awake through this damn episode. Everyone's good, the actors are talented, the sets are cool, and I STILL couldn't maintain an interest in anything that anyone said. What happens? Jack's getting sicker, Sonia Braga is really the third Derevko sister, and Dixon goes on a plane in search of a water toxinzzzzzzz. Huh? Is it morning yet? |
2005.04.27 2005.05.03 |
C- |
Erin |
| 4-16 Recap |
Say goodbye to reality, Uncle Arvin.
Another Mister Sloane - Looks like Uncle Arvin's been returning to the Batshit Buffet one too many times, y'all. The Sloane Clone kidnaps a scientist and forces her to…do something to Clifford the Big Red Ball. This situation somehow forces Sloane to reacquaint himself with his old buddy Rambaldi, and the Ooogedy-Boogedy Olympics begin anew. |
2005.04.20 2005.04.26 |
A+ |
Erin |
| 4-15 Recap |
Did we really need another Mr. Sloane?
Pandora - It would appear that we did. And he's played by Jennifer Grey's daddy, Joel. He's up to no good, obviously, and it would appear that it's quite possible that he's the one who put the hit out on Syd's head. Or, you know, it could be the other Mr. Sloane. Or, like, someone else entirely. It's not reaaaaal clear to me right now. What is clear is that Bill Vaughn is finally and completely dead. So now maybe Vaughn can stop whining about his not-so-dead-daddy-who's-now-really-dead-we-swear and get some damn closure already. |
2005.04.13 2005.04.18 |
A |
Erin |
| 4-14 Recap |
A Nightingale Sang In Siberia Square
Nightingale - And it sang a sweet little tune we like to call "Dance of the Melty-Faced Man." Ew. There's this coil-type-thing called "Nightingale" that alters people's DNA and makes them melt. The guy who runs it might know something about Vaughn's dad, so he and Syd go after it. Other people who might know something about Vaughn's dad are Jack and Sloane, only they're not talking. Because they're naughty. |
2005.04.06 2005.04.10 |
A |
Erin |
| 4-13 Recap |
It's Always Been My Least Favorite Day of the Week
Tuesday - And this episode, it's Sydney's, too. A mission in Cuba goes awry, getting Syd captured and buried alive with a guy who's not quite as alive, and trapping everyone else -- with the sole exception of Family Man Marshall -- in the Apple Store, unable to save her. Marshall to the rescue! Also, Jack learns a very special lesson about sporks. |
2005.03.30 2005.04.04 |
A |
Sara M |
| 4-12 Recap |
La Mujer Nadia
The Orphan - It's time to visit Nadia's sketchy past and learn how she got so good with the spy stuff. We also learn that Nadia had a habit of sleeping with her bosses, so Sloane better watch out. I know. Before you can say it: EW. Elsewhere at the Apple Store, Vaughn deciphers something about his dad and comes up with an address in Lisbon that leads to Sonia Braga. Man. What is IN that damn journal, anyway? |
2005.03.23 2005.03.28 |
C+ |
Erin |
| 4-11 Recap |
Whirligig of Death and Destruction
The Road Home - That's WODAD to you. I…really don't know what to say about this episode, except that it involves a biometric targeting device that gets planted on a teeny-weeny assault helicopter that chases Sydney around a warehouse for about five minutes. Yeah, sure, Jack kills a guy with a piano wire, but…THERE'S A MINI-COPTER ON A KILLING SPREE. Need I say more? I see that I needn't. |
2005.03.16 2005.03.21 |
C- |
Erin |
| 4-10 Recap |
Two Spy Daddies Are Better Than One
The Index - The Blackwell Index gets stolen. Syd has to dress up like reject from the eighties in order to steal its decoder disk. Vaughn discovers that his daddy didn't die when he thought he did and could, potentially, still be alive. Dix thinks Sloane is still eeeeevil. But he's not eeeeevil, he's just partnered up with Jack for some reason or other. Okay, yeah, he could still be eeeeevil. Which means Jack could be eeeeevil too. I don't want to think about that. |
2005.03.09 2005.03.13 |
A |
Erin |