Alias

5-16 2006.05.22

One down, one to go In Part One of this series finale two-parter, we follow Sloane's actions as he kidnaps Marshall and Rachel, travels to an ice chamber below Mount Subasio, and discovers just what Rambaldi meant by "sky" in his prophecy. In case you were wondering, it has nothing to do with that stuff up above your head with fluffy clouds rolling around in it. Oh, and Sydney falls down a crevasse and is dead. Yeah, because you haven't SEEN the next episode.

3-1 Recap	Mr. Sandman, bring me a clue The Two - Shhh. Sydney's sleeping. Oh, wait. No she's not. She's awake, and she's mad as HELL. Vaughn's married, Dixon's in charge, Spy Daddy's in prison, and Spy Barbie has a scar on her stomach the size of a Frisbee. Nothing's what it was in the season opener of Alias.	2003.09.28 2003.10.03	B	Erin
2-22 Recap	Tell Her About It The Telling - Or tell him about it. Or tell ANYONE about it. But just, like, TELL someone, Sloane! See, Sloane puts together this Rambaldi machine called "The Telling," and he's all smug and philosophical about it, but remarkably tight-lipped about what it actually is. All we can surmise is that must be pretty fucking powerful because, by the end, Syd wakes up in Hong Kong, Francinator's dead, Vaughn's married, and Syd's been missing for two years. Yeah. I need a nap.	2003.05.04 2003.05.12	A+	Erin
2-21 Recap	Double Your Francie, Double Your Fun Second Double - This episode's all about the Will Frame. And the Raunchy Spy Sex. And the Frightening Francinator. And Satan Sloane offering to partner up again with Spy Daddy (can you say Ho!Yay!). And Sydney reclaiming her title as the Worst Spy Ever. And some other stuff. But mostly, it's about fifty-nine minutes, give or take a few commercials, and it's only the first half of a two-parter. Now go away and leave me alone.	2003.05.04 2003.05.11	A-	Erin
Extra	I know what turns Bradley Cooper on. The Bradley Cooper Interview, Part Deux - And you don't. Oh, okay, you will too once you read the second half of the Bradley interview. But only I know what he sounds like on the phone. So there.	2003.05.01 2003.05.01	D-	Erin
2-20 Recap	Right. "Countdown." When's the damn finale? Countdown - Do you care? I mean, really, do you? Do you care what this damn episode's about? No. You don't. It's really just a placeholder 'til the finale, isn't it? Yeah. There's a Holocaust Heart and Dixon pops some pills and Marshall gets a girlfriend. Is this season over YET?	2003.04.27 2003.05.04	B-	Erin
Extra	Bradley Cooper is my new best friend The Bradley Cooper Interview - Okay. Not really. But he's so cool that you'll wish he was your best friend too. And not in the stalkerish way. Take a break, grab a cocktail, and find out about the time that Bradley and Michael Vartan engaged in a big-ass swordfight on the back lot over the affections of one Jennifer Garner. Really. I mean it. I'm not kidding. Why are you laughing? Shut up.	2003.04.27 2003.04.27	D-	Erin
2-19 Recap	Ding Dong, Mrs. Dixon's Dead Endgame - Or is she? Actually, judging by the big-ass bomb that blew her car to kingdom come, I'd say, yeah, she's pretty much a goner. Wife of Slater reveals herself to be an undercover Russian agent, Slater reveals himself to be an undercover NSA agent, and Vaughn just reveals himself. In his boxer shorts. WITH NO SHIRT. Did I mention the "no shirt" part? Because that's really the most important part of the show.	2003.03.30 2003.04.06	A	Erin
2-18 Recap	Truly, Madly, Deeply Truth Takes Time - Might as well add "dumbly" to the end of that list. So Irina and Sloane are in cahoots, and they're after some genetic database. Syd and the CIA are on their tails, but since they practically take out a full-page ad in Variety about their mission to capture the whole Sloane crew, Irina and Sark get away once again. This escape leads to a showdown at Sloane's Tuscan Villa of Evasion and the untimely death-by-sniper-shot of Auntie Em. And this time? She STAYS dead, dammit.	2003.03.16 2003.03.23	B	Erin
2-17 Recap	Darkness Falls A Dark Turn - And it falls fast and thick and with almost no basis for explanation. Irina and Jack fall into an op together in an effort to nab the elusive Sloane. Then they fall back into a Panama hotel bed together in an effort to rekindle the toaster fires of days gone by. Unfortunately, this momentary lapse in concentration allows Irina to fall back into her old ways and betray both Jack and the CIA by hooking up with Sloane in the eleventh hour, handing him the mysterious Rambaldi manuscript. In an entirely unrelated subplot, Vaughn falls victim to revenge and winds up investigating Irina on his own, thereby prompting Syd to question his loyalty to the CIA. I fall into a swimming pool of grain alcohol and thank my lucky stars that Owen is an expert lifeguard.	2003.03.02 2003.03.09	A	Erin
2-16 Recap	The roof. The roof. The roof is on fire! Firebomb - Or it would be if all the people in this episode who go up in flames were closer to the ceiling. Sloane's Rambaldi device is a whole lot of power in an ugly art package. But that's not really the point of this episode. The point is...wait a minute...I know I had it for a second there...dammit. I really should stop picking my nose with a knitting needle. So, really, there's no point to this episode. Except that Sloane's a very bad man. And he's fond of bad Afghan art. And Syd's mad that she hasn't caught him yet. And Francinator's bugs were found. And she's a very bad woman. Oh, and seeing people burst into flames is never, EVER fun.	2003.02.23 2003.03.02	B-	Erin
2-15 Recap	It's called Alias, not Ford Focus's Alias A Free Agent - The central theme of this episode seems to be that Ford Motors loves Alias, but it loves its Focus more. Thankfully, before the blatant product placement at the end of the show, we're treated to some sweet and tender After Spy Sex, a fleeting glimpse of Spy Mommy, a blink-and-you'll-miss-it appearance by Will, a few fabulous shots of Sark and his leather jacket, another demonstration of the badness that is Francinator, and a visit from the original bad boy himself, Christian Slater. All in all, a fabulous ep. But if I have to suffer through one more fucking Randy Newman-scored Ford commercial, I'm going to head up to the Motor City and do some serious damage to some of next year's models. Seriously.	2003.02.09 2003.02.16	A	Erin
2-14 Recap	Let's Get It Awwwwn Double Agent - I suppose I could bore you with the details of this episode -- the cloning, the Ethan Hawke(s), the Francinator and her evil ways, the Olivia D'Abo and her perkiness, the addition of a bland blonde, the criminal non-appearance of Sark and Will and Spy Mommy. But what would be the point? All we really care about is the Spy Sex. And the Spy Sex. And did I mention the Spy Sex? AND MORE SPY SEX!	2003.02.02 2003.02.08	B	Erin
2-13 Recap	The Long Kiss Goodnight Phase One - In an effort to gain a wider audience, J.J. and Company bring us "A New Beginning." This basically means that J.J. blows the entire plot to hell and brings us the long-awaited Kiss. Yeah. That's right. Syd and Vaughn finally put their lips together and blow. Along the way, there's some hot and nasty lingerie, some serious plot pushing, the unveiling of the new and improved Foolio, and a guest appearance by our favorite replicant, Rutger Hauer.	2003.01.26 2003.02.02	A	Erin
2-12 Recap	Get it on. Bang a Vaughn. Get it on. The Getaway - There's a gyroscope. And a mission. And the witch hunt. And Face Doneaway. And a non-dead Auntie Em. But you know what? None of that matters. Not really. Because Syd and Vaughn move one step closer to actual physical contact that doesn't involve rolling around on the ground and dodging bullets. France. Wine. Candles. Attempted assassination by a couple of Face's goons. Sigh. It's all so romantic.	2003.01.12 2003.01.19	A	Erin
2-11 Recap	Bring Me A Higher Love! A Higher Echelon - Or just bring me a higher writing staff, because, dudes? Wow. If they weren't high when they wrote it, then they were high when they filmed it. And I wish I'd been high when I watched it. Luckily, I was high when I recapped it. Plot? Um. Yeah. Something about a computer program and Marshall being kidnapped and Jack being in deep shit with the Iguana Face and the sparks! Oooh! Look at the sparks! Pretty pretty.	2003.01.05 2003.01.12	B-	Erin
2-10 Recap	The Abduction The Abduction - Syd and Sark go on a mission, and then Syd and Marshall have to go on a mission. Yes, Marshall. Who gets kidnapped. I know. I can't talk about it, I'm so worried.	2002.12.15 2002.12.17	A	Kim
2-9 Recap	National Lampoon's Kashmiri Vacation The Passage, Part Two - True, no one ends up in an Italian porno flick, but as family holidays go, this one sucks ass.	2002.12.08 2002.12.11	B	Wing Chun
2-8 Recap	If Music Be The Food Of Love The Passage, Part One - Then the music director must be fucking STARVING. It's an episode full of barely declared love, undeclared nuclear weapons, and declarations of hatred barely disguised as lust. Vaughn shows up only long enough to illustrate his love for Sydney in a broken watch, Syd shows up only long enough to kick some ass in a morgue and argue with Sarkie, Sarkie shows up only long enough to piss off Sloane, Sloane shows up only long enough to receive his dead wife's finger in a box, and Jack and Irina show up only long enough to make all of us wish for a little Spy Daddy-on-Spy Mommy carnal action. And the music sucks. Did I mention that?	2002.12.01 2002.12.09	B-	Erin
2-7 Recap	Who? What? Where? Whyeeeeee? The Counteragent - There's a whole lot of "why" going on in this episode. Namely because there's a whole lot of plot development going on that requires a healthy dose of "whateverthefuck" just to get through. On a more positive note, Vaughn and Syd come thisclose to uttering the "L" word when Syd saves Vaughn's life. There's also Will's stupid educational test subplot, Mama Hari's Advice For Chickenshit Lovers, and Sloane's untimely demise at the hands of a kimono-clad Syd. But all we really care about is the loooooove stuff...	2002.11.17 2002.11.25	B+	Erin
2-6 Recap	Doctor, Doctor, Gimme The News! Salvation - I got a bad case of an antibody-based virus that vaguely resembles Ebola to get through! Syd's dispatched, along with her explosives-loving father, to Geneva in order to retrieve some precious info about some virus that Irina & Company were developing as a potential bio-weapon. Will and Vaughn continue their male bonding over a little off-the-books employment, which, we can all assume, will lead to them discussing Syd's ass over a couple of Sierra Nevadas in the near future. Most importantly, however, is Syd's near-declaration of lurve to Vaughn as his impending death by fingernail-bleeding approaches.	2002.11.10 2002.11.17	A	Erin
2-5 Recap	One Potato, Two Potato, Three Potato, Four The Indicator - Syd was raised to be a spy and trusts her dad no more. See how I worked in the childhood rhyme thing? But it's too difficult to keep up and I'm basically lazy so, you know, moving on...Syd goes to Budapest and comes across sixteen next-gen weapons, which just happen to be children who are trained as spies, which eventually leads to her discovery that her father actually trained HER to be a spy. In other news, NAKED SLOANE. Yes, the "ew" is implied.	2002.11.03 2002.11.11	B	Erin
2-4 Recap	If it ain't broke, Spy Daddy will BLOW IT UP. Dead Drop - Ah, to be young and hip and death-defying and the child of parents who simply can't work it out and resort to subterfuge and psychological warfare and blowing up buildings to win their kid's affections. There's a map and Moscow and Sark and sexual tension, but deep down, it's really all about the major malfunction known as "The Spy Family."	2002.10.20 2002.10.27	A-	Erin
2-3 Recap	Careless Memories Cipher - Oh, wow, Syd. You have to deal with shoving a CIA circuit board into a rocket, speeding your way through an exploding air duct, a mother who may or may not actually love you, two men who both dig your chili, a distant-but-caring father, and a sub-glacially stored music box, AND you're being force-fed the memory of you being cast as "the turkey who would be spared" in your first grade Thanksgiving play? Oh, Lord, honey. You should just set fire to the universe right now.	2002.10.13 2002.10.20	C+	Erin
2-2 Recap	Tuck Everlasting Trust Me - Did you know that Sydney and her mother both tuck their hair behind their ears? In the same way? On the same side? At the same time? In unison? With the same expression on their faces? Well, in case you didn't know that, you're given plenty of opportunities to learn in this episode. Sydney is forced into a difficult position when she nabs a blackmail disk but ignores some valuable Spy Mommy advice. Both Vaughn and Syd are forced to screw up their courage to face Spy Mommy full-on. The audience is forced to listen to the whiny warbling of one Bob Dylan. What did we do to deserve this?	2002.10.06 2002.10.14	B	Erin
2-1 Recap	Who's a Bad Mama Jamma? The Enemy Walks In - Lena Olin's a bad mama jamma, that's who! That's right. Spy Mommy has arrived and she is smokin'! Syd gets shot within the first five minutes, indicating that the rest of the show will be highly unpredictable and exciting. And it is. If, of course, you leave out the first twenty minutes of regurgitation and annoyance. But Lena Olin makes it all better. Ahhhh, Lena. Sometimes I wish I were a heterosexual male...	2002.09.29 2002.10.06	B	Erin
1-22 Recap	"Almost thirty hours" is more like it Almost Thirty Years - That's how long it took for me to write this damn thing. At least, it felt like thirty hours. Of course, it could be all the drugs I'm on at the moment. And not the fun kind. Well, that is, they're not fun until you start MIXING them. Sigh. I love Robitussin. And Nyquil. And Sudafed. And TheraFlu. And my elephant slippers. And my Aveda candle. And my mommy. What happened on the show? I dunno. I was too busy fondling my PS2 and emptying my head of vast amounts of snot. Oh, Vaughn's dead. That's important, right?	2002.05.12 2002.05.19	A+	Erin
1-21 Recap	The Paris Death Match Rendezvous - In what has been called "THE BEST EPISODE EVER," Sark gets captured by SD-6 and force-fed a nice bottle of red. Syd and Dix travel to Paris in order to apprehend Khasinau and his cache of Rambaldi invisible-ink pages. Dixon develops a sixth sense that, instead of making him see dead people, makes him catch wind of Sydney's true identity. Auntie Em catches a reprieve from The Alliance, only to discover that her cancer? Not so bad. Oh, and Willage? TAKES HIS CLOTHES OFF. Slurp. Sigh.	2002.05.05 2002.05.12	A	Erin
1-20 Recap	Solution! We Don't Need No Stinkin' Solution! The Solution - Right. So, Spitzy Saliva-Pants is dead. Long live Spitzy Saliva-Pants. Spy Barbie mopes around, wondering why every man she has sex with has to die. Francie's discovery of an infestation of rats somehow triggers Sydney's brilliant plan to snare Kasineau with a fake copy of the Rambaldi liquid. Willage gets another call from Deep Throat, this time informing him that it was Spy Daddy who kidnapped his sorry ass. What's "the solution" you ask? Drink as much vodka as possible until you no longer find Will attractive. Trust me. It works.	2002.04.21 2002.04.29	A-	Erin
1-19 Recap	Bucky the Snowman Snowman - Know what? Bucky's a bad guy. Know what else? Syd finally gets a glimpse of what her Russian bitch of a mother was all about. Know what else? Spy Daddy's still hauling around a load of baggage that could fill the cargo bay of a 747. Know what else? Bucky finally puts that enormous set of front teeth to good use and bites the big one.	2002.04.14 2002.04.21	B-	Erin
1-18 Recap	Phantom of the Spy Opera Masquerade - Masks and missing mommies, lusts and lame plot contrivances, buck teeth and bullshit -- this episode's got 'em all. Syd's on the hunt for Spy Mommy, Peter Berg makes an appearance as Syd's snaggletoothed ex-lover, and Spy Daddy hits the afternoon sauce. And the panties? They're flyin', baby! Flyin'!	2002.04.07 2002.04.14	B-	Erin

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