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After Naomi's rape revelation, Silver is on the hunt for blood. She enlists AAdrianna and Annie in the sting operation that wasn't. First she has a flirty IM conversation with Cannon and invites him to a hotel room to "brainstorm" ideas about her senior project, then she sets up a surveillance camera in her laptop. The joke's on her when Cannon brings the school's principal and therapist to intervene in case Silver's bipolar is acting up again. Silver gets off with a family conversation and a few counseling sessions, but she's far from over. She catches Cannon in the hall the day and flings some vague threats at him about some master plan she and the girls (don't) have to pay him back for his crimes. To be continued...
Also obsessed with blood is Dixon, who goes in for a test to see whether he has HIV or not. In the time between the test and the results, he successfully alienates Ivy long enough for Ausscar to swoop in and tell Ivy he saw Dixon talking to his ex on the night he was supposed to be taking Ivy's virginity. She confronts him with a barrage of questions. Backed into a corner, he breaks up with her on the grounds that he's still hooked on his ex. He tries to make amends when he learns he tested negative for HIV, but Ausscar has already enacted his final solution by consoling the pants off of Ivy, quite literally.
Jen likewise finds herself pants-less when her baby decides it's time to get the eff out of her inhospitable womb. Out of the frying pan and into the fire, baby. That's all I have to say to you. Debbie ends up driving Jen to the hospital because, in her cash-strapped state, she was applying for a job as Jen's "executive" assistant. Debbie ultimately takes the job. Jen, meanwhile, gets a baby boy (she thought she was having a girl) and a kiss from Matthews that shall hopefully never be discussed again.
As for those who won't be having babies, we'll speak of Annie first. She successfully hides a bag full of surrogate-friendly hormone injections from Debbie for about 13 seconds before Debbie tells her in no uncertain terms that she will not be harvesting her eggs. Without morning sickness to keep her company, Annie decides to take up with Liam's half-brother for good, since Liam has told both of them to bugger off. Also in the buggering and not-having-babies camp, Teddy has a gay old time cleaning West Bev's gutters, saving lives, and other such shenanigans with his one-night stand, Ian. That is, until Ian dares to touch Teddy's shoulder, and the closeted jock runs screaming "No homo!" all the way into some slutty girl's bed, where he can't get it up anyway, so what was the point? But what's ever the point at West Bev? Certainly not sharp dialogue, plot continuity, or authenticity. Not while we have Shenae Grimes and Trevor Donovan on board, my friends.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Previously: Annie sold her eggs for cash, then inadvertently started dating Liam's half-brother. Teddy fought (literally) to hide his gay experimentation. Ausscar had designs on destroying Ivy and her MILF's life. Ivy decided to go all the way with Dixon -- just in time for him to learn he might have HIV. Naomi finally came clean about Cannon raping her, and the other girls decided to go all bad-ass hit squad on him.
We open as Annie reluctantly administers a hormone injection to an orange -- practice for what she'll be doing on her own body for at least the nine months. Her boss thanks Annie for allowing her and her husband to finally start a family, then offers to transfer the $20,000 fee to Annie's bank account by the end of the week.
Annie heads home, where she finds Debbie fretting over several bills that are due. Debbie notices Annie is carrying a bag and wonders what's inside. Annie lies that it's a leftover sandwich from her boss and says she's going to eat it in her room. Debbie updates her on the job hunt -- she has a job interview tomorrow for an executive assistant position. Annie is less-than-thrilled, so Debbie worries that Annie is losing faith in her.
The morning at the beach club, Matthews orders Jen's folic acid-heavy breakfast. Jen swishes in and says she's already eaten and been shopping for baby girl clothes. Matthews worries that Jen shouldn't be exerting herself after the premature labor scare. Jen reminds him she's reached 37 weeks and can now safely have the baby. She starts off to berate employees -- a task she's probably been eagerly anticipating since she got relegated to bed rest. Matthews insists she slow down so the baby can gain weight in its last weeks in her womb. She spits back, "Ew, yuck! Who wants a chubby baby?" Matthews informs her that most mommies don't want an emaciated fetus popping of their hoo-ha, but this debate of function over fashion is lost on lifetime Angelino Jen. She's already bought the baby an itty bitty bikini. Because newborns are so good at swimming?
Doctor's office. Dixon tells his doctor that his ex is HIV positive, and they didn't use a condom every time. Dixon asks about his chances for testing positive, too, but the doctor can't say for sure. The lab tech tells him the results will be in on Wednesday.
West Bev. Some girl approaches Teddy to confirm that he and Silver broke up. He says it's true, so she invites him for a little companionship that weekend while her parents are out of town. He tells her it's too soon. She asks, "Tomorrow then?" When he says no again, she throws in that she used to be a gymnast.
Elsewhere, Naomi and Annie watch Cannon conversing with a fellow student. Annie suggests he should be castrated. Silver approaches and joins in on the fun, ominously saying that Naomi might not need to see her tormentor on a daily basis anymore because she has a plan. Credits.
A bit later, Silver runs into Cannon to feed him the cockamamie story that she ran out of his house the other night because she realized she had to break up with Teddy. She plays the coquette, looking up at him with saucer eyes as she tells him that now she wants to focus all her energies on her project, then asks if they can meet to "brainstorm" the day. He goes for the bait, and she says seductively, "I'm really looking forward to it."
Outside, Ivy runs up to Dixon and asks, "So... are you contagious?" He's so stressed about the test results that he forgot he told her that he didn't make it to her house the other night because he became violently ill after the bachelor auction. He says he's better now, so tries to be all sexy and coy as she suggests they "pick up where [they] left off." She immediately realizes that sexy is not one of her skills and calls herself out on it. Either way, she wants him to come over that night because MILF is going to be out of the house. He claims he has homework to do and that he won't be free until Wednesday. He makes an excuse and hightails it out of there.
Across the parking lot, Annie walks by Liam's car and notices a sleeping bag in his backseat. He interrupts her gawking and confirms that he's living in his car. She can't believe it and offers to help, but he tells her to stay out of his life and drives away.
Debbie swallows her pride and reports to her executive assistant interview. The setting looks unsettlingly familiar. Why? Because it's the beach club, and Jen is the one interviewing her. Jen asks about Debbie's college experience. Debbie says she got married and had kids instead. "Oh," sniffs Jen, "How sad." She goes on to openly mock Debbie's career as a "fashion photographer in Kansas," insult her qualifications, and hone in on Debbie's obvious desperation. In the end, Debbie scores the gig because she has nice highlights. Sad to say, that's probably the basis of a lot of hiring decisions in that neck of the woods. Jen hands Debbie a list of assignments to complete before the day at 3 p.m. in order to get the job. As Debbie reads out the tasks, it becomes clear that Jen doesn't want an executive assistant so much as a beach club manager and someone she can shit all over at any given moment. Jen hands over a flash drive with the files Debbie will need, then leaves her with this parting shot: "Can you stop smiling so much? It's giving me a headache."
La Casa Nueva. Annie's Coffee Cutie tells her he can't see her anymore because he wants to make things right with Liam. At least he's smart enough to recognize that dating his half-brother's almost-ex is not a good way to kick-start that reconciliation. Annie wishes CC all the best, saying Liam could really use a brother at the moment.
Back at West Bev, Matthews shushes Teddy, who gripes under his breath about having to spend a whole month in detention with Ian, his down-low gay lovah. A moment later, the new principal walks in to announce that her janitor staff is stretched thin. She offers to shorten the boys' detention sentence if they volunteer to clean up the school. Both guys jump at the opportunity. I smell a musical number with brooms and trashcan lids!
Meanwhile, Debbie leaves Annie a message asking for help using the flash drive. What? You didn't use those as a high fashion photographer in Kansas, Debbie? After she hangs up the phone, Debbie drops the flash drive on the floor. When she leaves over to pick it up, she notices Annie's "leftover" bag from the night before. She assumes Annie's a dirty, forgetful teenager and picks it up to inspect whether the contents are still good. But instead of a sandwich, she finds Annie's hormone injections in the bag and assumes the worst. Frankly, I would much prefer it if Annie became a heroin addict. At least she'd nod off occasionally and shut the hell up.
West Bev. CC tracks down Liam to ask why he's living in his car. Liam says it's none of his business and makes it clear he's still holding a grudge against his brother. Apparently there's more to the story than CC let on last week. CC glosses over that fact and hands Liam a key to a fancy hotel room. He tells him to stay as long as he wants, order room service, the works. Liam tells CC that he and his rich mom can't buy him off.
Casa Nueva. Annie arrives home in a chipper mood and finds Debbie, who is most definitely not feeling chipper. She asks Annie if she's using drugs, then doesn't let her answer and launches into a motherly speech about rehab. Annie cuts her off and explains the surrogacy situation. She tries to say it's not a big deal, but Debbie is having none of it. She thinks Annie's too young to understand what she's doing, no matter how honorable it may be. Annie clarifies that she's doing this for primarily financial reasons given the Wilsons' strapped status. Debbie insists she's getting a job so they can keep up with the lifestyle. Annie bitch slaps her for real: "Oh yeah? Show me the want ad for a housewife with no college degree, no experience, and no skills!" Ouch. That is the stay-at-home mom version of "You're a virgin who can't drive." Annie immediately realizes what a hag thing that was to say -- unfortunately, however, she doesn't realize that she's a hag in general -- and tries to apologize. Debbie becomes stone-faced and tells her that she's not selling her eggs, end of story.
West Bev. Teddy and Ian set about cleaning the school's gutters, but not without some awkward exchange with the principal about whether she looks like a lady who eats out of gutters (don't ask). Before leaving, Madame Principal tells them not to go on the roof under any circumstances. Of course this means they inevitably will. Ian tries to form a game plan with Teddy, but Teddy refuses to speak to him at all.
MILF Manor. Ausscar walks into Ivy's room as she puts away her laundry. He asks how her big night with Dixon was, offering an arsenal of revolting adjectives from which she might choose. Dear Writers, Please don't ever put the words "toe-curling" and Ivy in the same scenario ever again. XOXO, Lady Lola. Ivy tells Ausscar that Dixon bailed on the big event, and he gets up to leave a little too abruptly. She presses him for information, so he admits that he saw Dixon leaving the auction with his ex. Having planted that seed of doubt in her mind, he makes his exit.
Elsewhere, AAdrianna and Naomi guide Silver through an instant message session with Cannon. The objective: To lure him to a hotel room so they can exact dim-witted retribution. Don't even get me started on how awfully awry this can (and probably will) go. At any rate, all it takes is a couple of lies and one juicy ellipsis (at least according to AAdrianna), and they're confirmed to get together that night, have dinner, and discuss the project.
Beach club. Debbie presents her tasks to Jen, who promptly throws them in the garbage and dismisses them as busy work she used to suss out whether Debbie actually had the drive to work for her. Henceforth, Debbie will be doing her real work -- getting coffee, scheduling manicures, etc. Interesting revelation what constitutes "busy work" in Jen's world, no? More interesting, Debbie doesn't suck it up like you'd expect. Instead, she refuses the job and calls Jen a "spoiled trust fund brat." Go Deb! Unfortunately, our harried housewife's thunder is stolen when Jen starts panting and announces that her water just broke. Now this is a realm in which Debbie is quite comfortable. She offers to drive Jen to the hospital. Jen accepts but insists they take her car because Debbie looks like she drives a minivan. Get it right, sister. It's a crap wagon!
West Bev. As predicted, Teddy and Ian have gone on to the roof to make quicker work of their gutter cleaning. Ian makes a labored metaphor about how the gutters look good from afar, but up close they're actually full of crap. He goes on about how little things can build up and eventually "the whole roof could cave in on you." It goes right over Teddy's head. No surprises there. He tells Ian to keep working so they can finish and leave each other's sight. Ian says they'll still have to see each other, and no amount of name-calling, punching, or avoidance is going to solve Teddy's problem. Teddy says he has no idea what he's talking about. At this stalemate, they turn their backs on each other. Ian slips on a garbage bag and falls forward. Teddy catches him, but the gutter breaks off. Instea
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d of being happy that his one-nighter didn't just die, Teddy bitches that they'll surely have detention forever now. Ian walks off to fetch tools from his trunk so he can fix the gutter and be done with Teddy once and for all.
Elsewhere, CC gets a call from the manager of the hotel where he gave Liam a key. The World's Best Half-Brother has come through that bitch like a rock star, causing $5,000 worth of damage.
Hospital. Matthews runs in and asks Debbie where Jen is. No need to answer there, Debbie. A split-second later, Jen's shrieks are heard in the hallway: "Get her out of me already! What the Hell am I paying you for?" Matthews heads into her room as Jen begs for the doctor to cut the baby out. She reams the doctor, threatens to murder everyone in the room, then lets out one final yowl as the baby plunges out of her vag and into this cold, cruel world. The doctor congratulates the new parents and corrects a little misapprehension of theirs. The baby, it turns out, is actually a boy. Jen freaks out that she's prepared the nursery for a girl and bought pink clothes, but Matthews assures her they can fix things. Once the baby is in her arms, she and Matthews share an emotional kiss at this wriggly little ball of damnation they've created together. Of course they realize immediately that she shouldn't have and bumblingly pawn it off to being caught up in the moment.
Casa Nueva. Dixon's phone rings. It's Ivy. Dixon ignores it. A second later, his phone rings. It's the doctor's office, so he picks up. The nurse tells him that the results have come in, and the doctor has requested him to come in person. Uh-oh.
Back at the hospital, Annie arrives to pick up Debbie, who is taking care of the baby while Jen sleeps. Debbie gives Annie the chance to hold the baby, and it makes Annie realize that selling her eggs isn't as cut-and-dried as she thought. She apologizes to Debbie for being a wench during their last conversation. She takes accountability for partly causing their financial troubles with her legal bills, not to mention causing some of Harry and Debbie's marital issues by being a pain in the ass all the year before. No mention is made of the 16 years prior to that. Debbie assures her that the marital problems were separate from Dixon and Annie. The heart-to-heart is cut short when Jen barrels out of her room screaming at the nurse to change her baby's diaper. She tries to fire the nurse (that doesn't even work for her), then desperately turns to Debbie for help with her baby's quickly chapping ass. Debbie takes this opportunity to accept the assistant job and negotiate for double salary, plus overtime and benefits. Like many young mothers, Jen is desperate enough to say yes to pretty much anything.
West Bev. CC confronts Liam about trashing the hotel room and says they're done once and for all. He apologizes for leading Liam to a life of crime, but say that he was a scared kid. He walks off angrily, leaving Liam to have a sudden, mandatory-for-his-character-arc change of heart.
Meanwhile, Ian patches up the gutter while Teddy wraps up the bags of leaves they cleaned up. They run downstairs just in time to fool the principal into thinking they did everything from the ground. She grants their freedom and leaves. They pat each other on the back and fall into a meaningful gaze. Teddy admits that Ian did a good job in this instance, and Ian thanks him for saving his life. Teddy apologizes for the fight and the F-bombs. Ian mistakes this as an admission that Teddy's coming around and offers to talk with Teddy. He puts his hand on Teddy's shoulder, which is one step too far. Teddy stonewalls him again, then walks off abruptly.
Hospital. Matthews arrives with arms full of boy clothes he's just bought. Jen shushes him so little Jacques won't wake up. Matthews objects to the name Jacques on the grounds that it's pretentious and too easily lends itself to the playground nickname "Jacques Strap." While Jen holds her ground, a nurse wheels in a cot so Matthews can stay the night. Jen feigns disinterest, then changes her tune when she realizes she'll need someone to get up at three in the morning and change diapers or dispense of bottles. They reach an impasse for the moment, though the Jacques-Jack issue is still up in the air.
Casa Nueva. Ivy ambushes Dixon to confront him on his lies. He tries to brush her off, but she throws a stream of questions at him. Backed into a corner, he lies that he still has feelings for his ex and breaks up with Ivy.
Hotel. Silver sets up a hidden camera on her laptop to record the whole interaction with Cannon. AAdrianna thinks showing up at a hotel room to meet a student alone is a firing offense. Naomi double-checks that Silver is okay with this sexual cloak and dagger. Silver says she'll be fine because they're watching from the adjoining room. She sets up the back-up plan that they'll run in and save her in case Cannon goes on the attack. AAdrianna and Naomi leave an excited Silver, who has no idea what the eff she's getting herself into.
A minute later, Cannon arrives. But he's not alone. He's brought with him the school therapist and the principal, who have taken AAdrianna's rationale plus Silver's history of bipolar disorder and used it against her. Silver asserts that Cannon has acted inappropriate with her, but he was smart enough to save their online chat as evidence that she propositioned him. Silver grasps for straws as to how to explain what she's doing, looking pointedly at Cannon the whole time. She comes up with nothing and holds her tongue. The principal says she won't discipline Silver, but requires her to speak with her family about it and attend counseling sessions. Cannon says smarmily, "Silver, we just want to help you."
Time for some musical montage action! A sultry song with the piano beat of Alicia Keys' "Fallin'" plays as a growly singer and lilting songstress croon, "I've come undone." CC arrives at La Casa Nueva and takes Annie into his arms for a kiss. He thinks that, since Liam has said he wants nothing to do with them, they might as well all get what they want. Meanwhile, Teddy tries and fails to get it on with the slutty girl from earlier. Over at MILF Manor, Ausscar consoles the pants right off of Ivy -- as was his plan all along.
The tune changes to another smoky-voiced singer as we return to the hospital. Jen watches Matthews sleeping with their son in his arms. She silently creeps over to adjust the baby's teeny little hat and brush Matthews' floppy hair behind his ear. Looks like somebody has maternal instincts! Who knew?
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The morning, Silver and Naomi walk the hallways of West Bev. Cannon passes and gives them a shit-eating grin. "He thinks he's won," says Silver bitterly. Naomi says she thinks he may have, too. Silver takes the bull by the horns, striding up to Cannon that he has not beaten them. She says they have a plan to make him pay for his crimes. Also? His documentary sucks. She walks confidently back to Naomi and admits she doesn't actually have a plan. The girls cackle for his benefiting, relishing this moment in which they actually have the upper hand.
Meanwhile, Dixon reports to the doctor to hear his death sentence. He launches into a speech about how he knows he's positive, yadda yadda yadda. The doctor cuts him off and tells him he's negative. He just wanted Dixon to come in so he could lecture him on safe sex. Dixon decides to take a "do over" and calls Ivy to right things with her. But it's too late. On the other end, she's naked in bed with Ausscar.
In two weeks: CC offers Annie a ticket to Paris. AAdrianna shoots her first magazine cover, and Liam tries his hand at modeling, as well. Could Matt Lanter's abs be the saving grace for this sinking ship? I doubt it, but aren't they pretty to look at?
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