Episode Report Card Lady Lola: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Gutter, Balls
By Lady Lola | Season 3 | Episode 5 | Aired on 10.11.2010
Outside, Ivy runs up to Dixon and asks, "So... are you contagious?" He's so stressed about the test results that he forgot he told her that he didn't make it to her house the other night because he became violently ill after the bachelor auction. He says he's better now, so tries to be all sexy and coy as she suggests they "pick up where [they] left off." She immediately realizes that sexy is not one of her skills and calls herself out on it. Either way, she wants him to come over that night because MILF is going to be out of the house. He claims he has homework to do and that he won't be free until Wednesday. He makes an excuse and hightails it out of there.
Across the parking lot, Annie walks by Liam's car and notices a sleeping bag in his backseat. He interrupts her gawking and confirms that he's living in his car. She can't believe it and offers to help, but he tells her to stay out of his life and drives away.
Debbie swallows her pride and reports to her executive assistant interview. The setting looks unsettlingly familiar. Why? Because it's the beach club, and Jen is the one interviewing her. Jen asks about Debbie's college experience. Debbie says she got married and had kids instead. "Oh," sniffs Jen, "How sad." She goes on to openly mock Debbie's career as a "fashion photographer in Kansas," insult her qualifications, and hone in on Debbie's obvious desperation. In the end, Debbie scores the gig because she has nice highlights. Sad to say, that's probably the basis of a lot of hiring decisions in that neck of the woods. Jen hands Debbie a list of assignments to complete before the next day at 3 p.m. in order to get the job. As Debbie reads out the tasks, it becomes clear that Jen doesn't want an executive assistant so much as a beach club manager and someone she can shit all over at any given moment. Jen hands over a flash drive with the files Debbie will need, then leaves her with this parting shot: "Can you stop smiling so much? It's giving me a headache."
La Casa Nueva. Annie's Coffee Cutie tells her he can't see her anymore because he wants to make things right with Liam. At least he's smart enough to recognize that dating his half-brother's almost-ex is not a good way to kick-start that reconciliation. Annie wishes CC all the best, saying Liam could really use a brother at the moment.
Back at West Bev, Matthews shushes Teddy, who gripes under his breath about having to spend a whole month in detention with Ian, his down-low gay lovah. A moment later, the new principal walks in to announce that her janitor staff is stretched thin. She offers to shorten the boys' detention sentence if they volunteer to clean up the school. Both guys jump at the opportunity. I smell a musical number with brooms and trashcan lids!
Meanwhile, Debbie leaves Annie a message asking for help using the flash drive. What? You didn't use those as a high fashion photographer in Kansas, Debbie? After she hangs up the phone, Debbie drops the flash drive on the floor. When she leaves over to pick it up, she notices Annie's "leftover" bag from the night before. She assumes Annie's a dirty, forgetful teenager and picks it up to inspect whether the contents are still good. But instead of a sandwich, she finds Annie's hormone injections in the bag and assumes the worst. Frankly, I would much prefer it if Annie became a heroin addict. At least she'd nod off occasionally and shut the hell up.
West Bev. CC tracks down Liam to ask why he's living in his car. Liam says it's none of his business and makes it clear he's still holding a grudge against his brother. Apparently there's more to the story than CC let on last week. CC glosses over that fact and hands Liam a key to a fancy hotel room. He tells him to stay as long as he wants, order room service, the works. Liam tells CC that he and his rich mom can't buy him off.
Casa Nueva. Annie arrives home in a chipper mood and finds Debbie, who is most definitely not feeling chipper. She asks Annie if she's using drugs, then doesn't let her answer and launches into a motherly speech about rehab. Annie cuts her off and explains the surrogacy situation. She tries to say it's not a big deal, but Debbie is having none of it. She thinks Annie's too young to understand what she's doing, no matter how honorable it may be. Annie clarifies that she's doing this for primarily financial reasons given the Wilsons' strapped status. Debbie insists she's getting a job so they can keep up with the lifestyle. Annie bitch slaps her for real: "Oh yeah? Show me the want ad for a housewife with no college degree, no experience, and no skills!" Ouch. That is the stay-at-home mom version of "You're a virgin who can't drive." Annie immediately realizes what a hag thing that was to say -- unfortunately, however, she doesn't realize that she's a hag in general -- and tries to apologize. Debbie becomes stone-faced and tells her that she's not selling her eggs, end of story.
West Bev. Teddy and Ian set about cleaning the school's gutters, but not without some awkward exchange with the principal about whether she looks like a lady who eats out of gutters (don't ask). Before leaving, Madame Principal tells them not to go on the roof under any circumstances. Of course this means they inevitably will. Ian tries to form a game plan with Teddy, but Teddy refuses to speak to him at all.
MILF Manor. Ausscar walks into Ivy's room as she puts away her laundry. He asks how her big night with Dixon was, offering an arsenal of revolting adjectives from which she might choose. Dear Writers, Please don't ever put the words "toe-curling" and Ivy in the same scenario ever again. XOXO, Lady Lola. Ivy tells Ausscar that Dixon bailed on the big event, and he gets up to leave a little too abruptly. She presses him for information, so he admits that he saw Dixon leaving the auction with his ex. Having planted that seed of doubt in her mind, he makes his exit.
Elsewhere, AAdrianna and Naomi guide Silver through an instant message session with Cannon. The objective: To lure him to a hotel room so they can exact dim-witted retribution. Don't even get me started on how awfully awry this can (and probably will) go. At any rate, all it takes is a couple of lies and one juicy ellipsis (at least according to AAdrianna), and they're confirmed to get together that night, have dinner, and discuss the project.
Beach club. Debbie presents her tasks to Jen, who promptly throws them in the garbage and dismisses them as busy work she used to suss out whether Debbie actually had the drive to work for her. Henceforth, Debbie will be doing her real work -- getting coffee, scheduling manicures, etc. Interesting revelation what constitutes "busy work" in Jen's world, no? More interesting, Debbie doesn't suck it up like you'd expect. Instead, she refuses the job and calls Jen a "spoiled trust fund brat." Go Deb! Unfortunately, our harried housewife's thunder is stolen when Jen starts panting and announces that her water just broke. Now this is a realm in which Debbie is quite comfortable. She offers to drive Jen to the hospital. Jen accepts but insists they take her car because Debbie looks like she drives a minivan. Get it right, sister. It's a crap wagon!
West Bev. As predicted, Teddy and Ian have gone on to the roof to make quicker work of their gutter cleaning. Ian makes a labored metaphor about how the gutters look good from afar, but up close they're actually full of crap. He goes on about how little things can build up and eventually "the whole roof could cave in on you." It goes right over Teddy's head. No surprises there. He tells Ian to keep working so they can finish and leave each other's sight. Ian says they'll still have to see each other, and no amount of name-calling, punching, or avoidance is going to solve Teddy's problem. Teddy says he has no idea what he's talking about. At this stalemate, they turn their backs on each other. Ian slips on a garbage bag and falls forward. Teddy catches him, but the gutter breaks off. Instea