In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
You remember the one thing that made the last episode worth watching? Well, forget it. DJ Hottie gets way too into the illegitimate pregnancy. Suspiciously into it. Dixon crumbles under the pressure and a limp-wristed interrogation by Harry and Debbie and admits he knocked a bitch up. Debbie embraces her Type A mommy side and accompanies Dixon over to DJ Hottie's house. DJ Hottie's reluctance to dish about the baby, not to mention that she basically tells Debbie to back off, triggers Debbie's skepticism. She tracks down DJ Hottie, pokes holes in her story, and orders her to get her not-pregnant ass out of Dodge. DJ Hottie complies and Debbie covers everything up for now, telling Harry to trust her judgment and spare Dixon the unnecessary anguish.
Teddy, Liam and Ivy have become The Three Dude-sketeers. As a consequence, Ivy's weepy eyes whenever Liam makes comments that she's just one of the guys don't escape Teddy's notice. They conspire to drag Liam to some hip Hollywood party anyway, and Ivy dons a dress in a pathetic attempt to give him one of those "walking down the stairs" epiphanies. Instead, he teases her for having a vagina. At the party, Liam's mojo is taken down a notch when he sees both Jen (accompanied by Matthews) and Naomi (with her BMOC). Seeing spindly smokestack Sam Ronson would have done it for me, but I guess that's where Liam and I differ. Regardless, Teddy encourages Ivy to ride Liam like the wave of a lifetime. And she does. But she can't resist teasing him for acting girly when he warns her he doesn't want anything serious.
Navid decides to invest all his energy into the Blaze, specifically on an exposé about drug use at West Bev. RuWill tells him Kris Jr. is a notorious dealer who turned her BFF into a meth whore or some such. Navid takes it upon himself to warn Annie. But since Annie's head is so far up her own ass she can play peek-a-boo with her incisors on most days, imagine how unappreciative she is of this heads-up now that she's the Wong Kar-Wai wannabe's "muse, babe." But then she sees Kris Jr. with a thick wad of cash and accuses him of dealing with the least finesse ever, fully name-checking Navid while she's at it. Keep an eye on your car, Shirazi! Kris Jr. takes out his rage on some Pink's hot dogs while dressing Annie down royally for not trusting him after he stuck by her side when people called her a slut (which, to be honest, probably would have benefited him more than harmed). She practically crawls back to him on hands and knees, sobbing that she'll never doubt him again. Gotta give it to Kris Jr. He may be a blowhard in some respects, but he can manipulate a bitch. And it's hot.
All the while, AAdrianna is dejected after Navid sharply rejects an "I'm sorry" serenade from her. Silver and Naomi warn him she's on the brink of relapse, so he visits her house… but only to tell her that he can't be her go-to guy now that they're done. Harsh. AAdrianna bucks up and attends the hip Hollywood party everyone else is conveniently going to, but it backfires when the first things she sees there are Teddy and Navid getting their game on. Cue Overdose #2. Facilitated by none other than Kris Jr.
Jen busts all up on Matthews' date with Ramona, the Bartender Stacie of the Bev Niner. She follows up by heading over to Ramona's place of employment and bringing out her bitch on levels heretofore untold. And this is Jen we're talking about, so whoa. To his credit, Matthews calls her out on being a jealous shrew. Out of this they somehow decide to be exclusive. She repays this leap of faith by telling Matthews that Liam is trying to get into her pants. Since Liam is Matthews' only supposed friend other than Harry, who let's face it, is his Dwight Schrute, he feels betrayed. Oh, how I am waiting for this house of cards to fall down on Jen. Tick tock, tick tock…
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see where the Bev-Niners will be 20 Years from Now.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Previously: Ivy broke the waves. Teddy broke AAdrianna's heart, doubtless karma for her breaking Navid's. Jen's a hag who is breaking her sister's life. And Dixon broke it off with DJ Hottie -- until she announced that she was 40 weeks away from her water breaking.
Black and white film footage pans out to a panoramic view of the Hollywood sign. Annie, with messily thrown up hair and eyeliner dripping from her peepers, tries to muster up her best talented actress impression. Epic fail. Pretentious, amateurish epic fail at that. The clip ends, and Kris Jr. showers his "muse, babe" with compliments. He says her eyes are full of pain and generally spews out other self-important drivel about his art. They make out. So wrong it loops over to right, then all the way back to wrong again. Just then Rumer Willis and Navid walk in to have a Blaze meeting so Faux-lini and Sophia Whorin' make their exit. Navid starts the meeting, saying he wants to do an investigative piece on drug use at West Bev in light of some kid at a nearby school overdosing. RuWill tells Navid his best source just left the room -- Kris Jr., specifically. Turns out he's the drug kingpin of the Bev Niner, and he turned one of RuWill's BFFs into a strung-out drug hag.
Elsewhere, Teddy, Liam, and Ivy are walking around all cocky, bragging about their run on the waves that morning. Teddy teases Liam for busting and drinking some of "Neptune's cocktail." I bet the writers totally patted themselves on the back for their lingo authenticity for that one. They sit down for lunch, and Teddy keeps ragging on Liam for bailing. Ivy distracts him, then pours salt into his drink while he looks away. Teddy yammers on for about five minutes before taking a big swig of his salty bevy. Ivy's all, "In yo face!" Liam casually declares, "I love this girl!" Ivy gives him the yearning eyes. Really? A new character on the show for one week, and that's all she's good for? Bah.
Navid approaches the three of them, and Liam invites him to sit down. He looks reluctantly at Teddy, then declines. Teddy takes the hint and heads off graciously, saving Navid from eating by himself. Ivy notes how awkward things still are. Navid admits he's still pretty crushed by the break-up. Ivy and Liam sympathize, especially Liam who says girls are nothing but trouble and drama. Ivy registers offence for her gender, but Liam pawns it off since she's not really a girl. Ivy makes the weepy eyes.
Elsewhere, Dixon heads over to DJ Hottie's domicile, where she has nestled into her DJ Mommy role way too easily. She is wearing an apron and lobster oven mitts, y'all. That ain't right. She offers him some chicken that she cooked and shows him the movie she rented for after. He says he doesn't want to eat or watch TV. He wants to talk. So far she's been avoiding the discussion, but he thinks they're running out of time and options. She looks at him angrily and says she wouldn't even consider aborting the baby -- their baby.
Back at West Bev, Navid records some crappy voiceover about the safety of school lunches. He's disrupted by AAdrianna strumming her guitar and serenading him with a painfully earnest apology song. Allow me to paraphrase Navid's response: "Fuck you, you cheating bitch."
Matthews Manor. Jen waltzes in bitching about her overpriced shoes, completely not noticing the fact that he's on a date. He introduces Ramona, the slutty bartender. Jen ferrets out the vital details about Ramona, tosses out some judgmental bitchery, then bids them a lovely evening in her most disingenuous affectation, pausing to shoot daggers at Ramon with her eyes. Matthews gets some more wine to dull the sting of that mess.
La Nueva Casa. Dixon arrives home to face an inquisition from Harry and Debbie about why he got kicked off the surfing team. As they pester him for answers about where he's really been all those afternoons, DJ Hottie starts frantically texting him to come back to her. The questions continue and the beeps of his phone persist, so Dixon cracks and blurts out that he got a girl pregnant. Bouncy credits.
Moments later, the three of them have gathered around a table for a serious chat. It's horribly silent. Dixon tries to break the silence, but Debbie shuts him down, pointing out the multitude of lies told and errors in judgments made to get him in this position. She doesn't think he understands the life-changing magnitude of the situation. Proving her point to the tee, Dixon says everything doesn't have to change. His proof? Harry knocked a bitch up, too. And that turned out great! Pfffft. Dixon says, Alfie Patten-like, "I swear! I don't even know how this happened. We were safe... almost every time!" Amazing, Debbie and Harry's immediate response is not, "You. Fucking. Idiot." (Mine would be.) They do, however, tell him to STFU. Deserved. Dixon's phone rings again, and it's DJ Mommy desperately complaining of cramps. Debbie tells him to get his coat because he's going over there.
DJ Mommy opens the door to find Dixon... and Debbie. She reluctantly lets in Mama Bird. DJ Mommy starts babbling nervously, claiming the cramps have miraculously gone away. She starts up, but Debbie tells her sit down, slow down, and give her the doctor's contact information so they can call and make sure everything's okay. DJ Mommy seems mighty hesitant to do so. She says she just needs rest, so Debbie and Dixon start to head out. Debbie asks how far along she is. DJ Mommy says a month, then really blows her story saying she's already done a sonogram. A little early for that, no? Debbie brings up the subject of keeping the baby, and DJ Mommy gets testy. She tells Debbie it's none of her business. As Debbie is Dixon's sole financial support, I'd have to disagree with that. DJ Mommy gets extra-rude and quite explicitly to leave her house. She grabs Dixon possessively one last time before telling him to call her later. Debbie eyes DJ Mommy suspiciously as the exit.
West Bev. Matthews hands out papers as the students walk in. He takes Liam aside to tell him he got an honorable mention in the essay contest he entered. He teases Liam a little about wanting to get a high five. Liam walks to his desk with a proud smile on his face. Outside later, Teddy and Liam find Ivy practicing her hacky sack skillz in the quad. Teddy tells her she has room to improve, so she shoots back that he better watch out, or she'll start using his nut sack for practice. Seriously. I didn't make that up. And I am going to have to take a shower after watching this now. Argh. Ivy changes topics, saying her mom put the three of them on the list for an N.E.R.D. party. Liam says Hollywood parties aren't his thing. Again the weepy eyes and longing glances from Ivy. Ack.
Elsewhere, Annie kisses Kris Jr. goodbye for the day. After he pulls off, Navid approaches her and gracelessly bleats out the drug dealing accusations against Jasper. Annie blows him off, but there is lingering doubt in her eyes.
East of La Brea. Jen bellies up to the bar at Silverlake Lounge to harass Ramona, the slutty bartender. Within the space of a few seconds, she orders a hoity toity drink, tells Ramona she looks like an old ugly hag, condescendingly calls her "Sweetie," runs down all of the trite careers she looks like she might aspire to (singer-songwriter = ouch!), and tells her Matthews considers her a charity date. Ramona handles it all with poise considering she could spray that bitch with some eye-stinging soda in a hot second.
Meanwhile, Silver and Naomi enter AAdrianna's room to find her completely encased in sheets, curled up in a fetal position. She skipped school that day from the shame of being rebuffed by Navid. She says she'd do anything to stop the hurt. Silver suggests a meeting. AAdrianna flings her sheets back over her head in agony.
La Nueva Casa. Debbie skitters down to the kitchen as if struck by lightning. She remembered that she has already met DJ Mommy and that she showed her a picture of Dixon. She starts pointing out all the inconsistencies and weird behaviors, but Harry tells her to calm down. He thinks she's overreacting from the shock of the news.
West Bev. Silver and Naomi find Navid to tell him about AAdrianna's messy state and the possibility that she might turn to drugs again. He sheepishly says it's not his problem or his place, but they beg him.
Beach Club. Matthews finds Jen fresh off a tennis lesson to call her out for her hagtastic performance at the Silverlake Lounge. Jen snottily says that Ramona "looks like she has a great personality" before strutting off. Matthews calls out that Jen's jealous. She denies it but admits she is uncomfortable with him dating "hipster girls with pierced God-knows-whats." She deems it "unbecoming." Matthews gets back to the point: She doesn't like seeing him with other people. He admits he doesn't like seeing her with other guys, either. They snit back and forth like children about how neither of them will go exclusive if the other doesn't. After a couple of snippy exchanges, it looks like they've decided to officially deem themselves boyfriend and girlfriend, then seal it with a kiss. Gag.
Pink's. Kris Jr. regales Annie with his superb cinematic vision as they wait in line for hot dogs. Double gag (the faux-teur aspirations, not the hot dogs). He takes out a thick wad of cash to pay, and Annie asks where it came from. He tries to dance around it, so she asks point-blank if he's a drug dealer. She even name-checks Navid to deflect the blame. It doesn't work. Kris Jr. takes massive offense, seething that she doesn't trust him and that she's just like everyone else. He throws it in her face that he didn't pay attention to all the rumors about her, then hurls down the tray of hot dogs (tears!) before storming off to go firebomb the Shirazi Lambo.
Teddy and Ivy storm Liam's garage to drag him to the N.E.R.D. bash. He ribs Ivy for getting all girlyfied with a dress and perfume. She tells him to shut up and get his coat so they can go. They get to the party, and everyone who's anyone is there. Also, Sam Ronson.
Jen goes over to pretend she's besties with Pharrell. How very Zolciak of her! Matthews joins them bearing champagne for Jen, and she introduces him to Pharrell as her boyfriend. Pharrell couldn't give two shits. He's just hear to name-check all the members of his band, collect his paycheck and leave. They head off to set up for their performance, and Matthews tells Jen he wants to introduce Jen to a "special" friend of his. He introduces her to Liam. God, he's pathetic. Jen plays dumb, saying they've met before, at a party, but she can't place him. Liam barely acknowledges her before darting away. Jen acts innocent and confused. Obviously Matthews doesn't know a damn thing about his new girlfriend because Jen could walk into the United Nations and take over that bitch. Homegirl doesn't let anything happen without some sort of manipulation by her megalomaniacal clutches. To wit, she off-handedly suggests that Liam seems "troubled." Matthews spills that he used to have anger issues and naively rues that he isn't getting through to Liam as much as he thought he was. Jen consoles him with a peck on the lips, then pulls him in for a hug so she can make the classic Soap Opera Schemer Look #5 over his shoulder.
Over at AAdrianna's, Navid has come to check on her. She apologizes and starts with the weepies again. He tells her to go to a meeting. She asks if he'll come, too. He stands firm that it's not his place. He says she has other friends and stops short of telling her to snap out of it before walking away and closing the door. A pointed metaphor, but I'll allow it. She collapses back into the bed, consumed by tears.
N.E.R.D. Liam entertains the other Dudesketeers with a story, stopping dead in the middle of the best part when he gets an eyeful of Naomi and her Cal U. BMOC. He finishes the story half-heartedly, then makes a break for it. Teddy updates Ivy on Liam's bad break-up with "Malibu Barbie" (Ivy's designation), then proposes Ivy be the one to help Liam move on. She feigns disinterest, but Teddy calls her out on her pitifully obvious crush.
Over at the bar, Jen corners Liam. She goes through the motions of clearing the air, but Liam realizes that he's actually got the upper hand for once. She wouldn't have even bothered talking to him if she weren't nervous that Liam would expose her to Matthews. He walks away with a smug grin on his face.
Elsewhere, Debbie finds DJ Mommy in a restaurant and gets straight to it. She calls out DJ Mommy for stalking her down to the nail salon the first time they met, then pretending they'd never met before the other night. DJ Mommy admits everything, so Debbie reverts to Good Cop. She gently reminds DJ Mommy she shouldn't be drinking coffee now that she's preggers, then sympathizes that it's hard to suddenly be told by doctors that certain things are off-limits. And speaking of doctors, Debbie asks DJ Mommy who her doctor is. Coincidentally, Debbie knows her doctor and offers to tell her to take good care of the baby. DJ Mommy acts anxious, then more forcefully tells her to stay out of it. Debbie goes back to the inquest, asking DJ Mommy how amazing it was to hear her baby's heartbeat for the first time. DJ Mommy agrees, so Debbie points out that it must have been a miracle since you can't hear a baby's heartbeat until Week 6. Still two weeks away according to DJ Mommy's Timeline of Deception. DJ Mommy seems confused, so Debbie says sharply, "I'll give you a hint. It stars with 'You're not pregnant.' And ends with 'Stay away from my son.'" Awesome. Suck on that, DJ Mommy. You just got served. Coffee. Extra bitter.
Meanwhile, Kris Jr. drives up to the Hills to film his pick-up shots for the movie. He reaches the Hollywood sign to find Annie waiting for him. She starts blubbering an apology for having no faith in him. She tells him that, once again, it's him and her against the world. He pulls her in for a hug and an outlaw kiss, then creepily tells her never to doubt her again. She promises not to. He may be a raging sociopathic freak, but the control he's exercising right now is kind of sexy. Hopefully he uses it to take down Annie in some sort of bizarre, horror movie-like fashion. Involving ropes and a basement.
Party. Silver tells Naomi that AAdrianna has bucked up and decided to come after all. Then N.E.R.D. performs. Do people actually still buy their albums? Or has Ryan Tedder successfully stolen all their thunder. Since they're on this show, I'm going to go with the latter. After the performance, Navid runs into Teddy. Teddy apologizes once and for all. Navid says that he's made his peace with Teddy's part in the whole debacle since Teddy was honest. He accepts his apology and swift foots it out of there before Teddy can start boring him with prep school tales. On the way to the buffet, Liam grabs him and tells him to take advantage of all the hotties at the party. Sam Ronson skeleton walks her way into frame and stamps her lesbian seal of approval on the situation. Oh, Navid, I wouldn't trust either of their judgments. For obvious reasons. After full-on cheering from both Liam and SamRo, Navid goes to have unbearably awkward conversations about World of Warcraft with a fresh batch of innocents.
Across the room, Teddy spots Silver at the bar and smarmily congratulates her for going out and having fun despite her epic battle with her mother's cancer. Silver cuts him off, saying she'd rather not talk about cancer right now. Teddy's strongest topic of conversation? Hair gel. Seriously. But Silver humors him and then they start tousling each other's hair playfully. Just then, AAdrianna walks in to see both her exes gaming on new girls. She walks out, melting into nothingness as she goes.
Elsewhere, Matthews brags to Jen about his hors d'oeuvres procuring skillz. Jen, for her part is looking just as troubled as she deemed Liam. And it's all with specific intent, natch. UN, people! She calls Liam self-destructive, lying that he propositioned her at the party where they met. She further adds that he just did it again. Matthews feels betrayed by his star pupil. Jen sees her objective has been accomplished, she shifts the subject to how amazing Matthews is for a nice shade of contrast to that ruffian Liam.
La Nueva Casa, Dixon stares sorrowfully at his phone. Debbie and Harry find him wiping away a tear and ask what happened. He says DJ Mommy miscarried. He admits he's confused, stunned, relieved, guilty, and sad all at once. Harry starts to reveal of the DJ's deceptions, but Debbie calls him off and goes into consolation mode.
Party. Matthews bumps into Liam, who apologizes for storming off. Matthews accuses him of hitting on Jen. Liam is rightly confused, but doesn't get a chance to understand any of it because Matthews stomps off sulking.
Back at the Casa, Harry asks Debbie why she didn't expose DJ Mommy. Debbie says it was worth lying not to hurt Dixon any more. She tells Harry to trust her. Women's intuition.
Back at Liam's garage, Ivy stops in to deliver his swag bag. She asks why he left the party abruptly, but he remains elusive. Liam notes that she changed back into her normal clothes, and she says sometimes it's nice to remind people she's not a dude. In fact, she has functional girl parts! Liam asks her who thinks she's a dude. She says he does sometimes. He denies it, so she lunges in for a kiss. They stare at each other meaningfully, then kiss again. He pulls away to tell her that doesn't want anything serious. She flips the script, teasing that he's the one acting like a girl now. Sweet Jeebus, this shit is straight out of Undressed.
Back at the Hollywood sign, Annie breaks up the hours-long make-out session with Kris Jr. to apologize for making him miss his sunset shots. His beeper vibrates, and he says he needs to run down the car for something. And in case that wasn't enough indication that he definitely is a dealer, when he gets to the car, he pulls a big ol' packet of pills out of his wallet. And who does he hand them to? AAdrianna, of course. She looks like Hell. And it's only going to get worse.
week: Annie wants Kris Jr. to pop her cherry. Navid bursts that bubble by telling her he saw AAdrianna scoring drugs from Kris Jr. AAdrianna pops pills. And Navid vows to take down Kris Jr. with an explosive exposé.