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OMG, y'all. Post-prom shenanigans! It's like the writers suddenly realized they had 46 minutes left and thought, "Oh yeah, we have jobs. Work now?" Everything you could ever imagine happening? It happens -- and a windfall of other insane plot developments to boot. Making out? Boot camp? Hit and run? Now this is what I signed up for…
The primary action takes place at Naomi's after-prom party -- the one that she's barely attends because she's labor coaching AAdrianna. Sister Grifter amps up the bitch factor by about 300%, using information Liam told Naomi privately (and, thus, Naomi told her most trusted SG) to stick it to Naomi for… what again? Paying for their entire house? And all the stuff in it? And her couture prom dress? And eventually her Parisian divorce? Or perhaps just having a backbone for five seconds and deciding to use the aforementioned house she paid for to have a party. Naomi arrives in the third act, just in time to find Liam zipping up his pants post-coitus with SG, who's conveniently not in the random. While Naomi is assuming like there's no tomorrow, SG unravels her entire plan to "take [Naomi] down a peg." By fucking her boyfriend? What did Naomi do when she was with Ethan? Three strikes and this hag is out. And I have a feeling there are many secrets still buried in that there festering cooter. Yes, the same one that Naomi ends her episode crying into. Ew.
So, before Naomi arrives to assume that Annie is a low-budget bitch, Little Miss Perfect spends the entire night cleaning up after everyone. It would almost make me love her if she weren't such a twat about it. Homegirl does do a mitzvah when she drives puke-covered Faux-ria Swanson home. It only serves to bite her in the ass, though, when she returns from designated driving and finds herself smack in the middle of Naomi's firestorm of wrath. The bitching-out becomes a public confrontation, in which everyone turns on that fink Kansan Annie. Someone even throws a drink at her! It's all very Can't Buy Me Love on New Year's Eve plus Carrie minus the fire. Long story short, Annie phones the po-po to rat out the party before snagging her own personal bottle of vodka and bolting out of there. That last part was where the bad high school judgment comes in, as Annie plows the fuck into an early morning jogger and is all, "Shit! Vodka! Scram!" Well, to be fair, I did have you all cross your fingers for an unexpected death. I guess I should have been more specific.
In other news, Dixon is still sour grapes about Silver's anti-prom, anti-high school speech. Ethan -- he with the massive crush on Silver -- has to remind Dixon of all the reasons why Silver is wonderful and spunky (though, frankly, I could use some reminding, too). Dixon seems placated, leaving Ethan alone to get all scary stalker on a prom picture of Silver he purloined. However, because Dixon is being a jagoff, Silver, too, has to seek out encouragement to stay in the relationship. Ethan helps her out, despite the developing feelings that he is unable to hide. So much so that Dixon notices the super-duper-creepy love-staring and confronts Ethan. The two fellas have a crush-frontation, and Dixon forces Ethan to admit his feelings for Silver… to Silver. What exactly was the point of that again? Ohhhhhh, but then she follows him after he flees. And they kiss. And it's about 100x more passionate than any kiss she ever shared with Dixon. Ethan asks the typical "Why are you out here with me, instead of in there with him?" question, and she appears to give it some serious thought. Catholic school changes a girl, yo.
Meanwhile, AAdrianna pops out the crack baby in the world's quickest delivery. Cleopatra-slash-Brenda makes a cameo to reveal that Jim Walsh is dying! (Not James Eckhouse!) But wait! It's not actually Brenda, just a drugged-out hallucination by AAdrianna. I'm still not sure what happened there… but somehow it helps AAdrianna come to terms with the imminent adoption of her little girl (it's a girl!). Real Brenda does actually show up to offer her support as AAdrianna struggles to let go of her new daughter. She even reveals that she was in China to adopt her own little one, which helps AAdrianna live out her Juno arc. Bonus points: Ty and his split lip visit the hospital to congratulate Navid and give him all due respect.
File under 'Zany': Debbie and Harry's night quickly devolves into Pineapple Express-style high jinks after they inadvertently snarf down a pot brownie from the West Bev-sanctioned after-prom party's sundae bar. It's actually the best chemistry they've had all season. Who knew pot brownies were the key to making Harry and Debbie interesting? More pot brownies! Amidst all this, "paranoid" Debbie spots Kelly's out-of-the-blue crush on Debbie -- again, writers, I implore you not to explore that plotline -- and Stoned Debbie confronts Kelly. It's pretty awkward. She won't remember it in the morning. And I will have forgotten it even sooner.
Oh yeah, Liam! Lest we forget about the little scamp, he is in the middle of leaving Naomi a remorseful message when he is scooped up by boot camp enforcers, packed up, and shipped off. And just when he was showing initiative -- like going to prom! And sketching portraits of Annie! And shtupping his girlfriend's sister! He was really turning around! Pffffft. Don't drop the soap, Li.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Previously: Everything that wasn't the finale. Bring it, Bev Niner!
Back at Prom, Naomi is telling Sister Grifter (and everyone within earshot in the crowded bathroom -- way to be subtle, pinhead!) every last detail of Liam's vulnerable confession. SG nonchalantly applies some lip gloss and tucks the information away for strategic use later. Naomi thinks she's not listening, but you know she is. That is one cold, calculating bitch. Naomi is positively glowing about how much her relationship with Liam has changed in just one night. Meanwhile, Faux-ria Swanson and her janky eyebrows show up to whine all up on Naomi about her thwarted party. Naomi offers the use of her new digs, which SG immediately vetoes. Naomi brings up the salient point that the house, and everything in it, is technically hers since she paid. Cue Clark-trademarked passive-aggressive chuckling and SG ominously warning, "You don't want to do this, Naomi." No matter, the party is on!
Naomi proceeds to spread the word to everyone she can find. One girl warns her that "Benedict Annie" is approaching. Naomi defends Annie and assures her that she knows she didn't tell Harry. She also compliments Annie's wrap, a seemingly inconsequential moment... but just you wait. Naomi is positively buzzing from the excitement of having her first official party. And then she gets a text message that AAdrianna has gone into labor. She asks Annie to keep an eye on the house while she's at the hospital.
Elsewhere, Dixon, Silver, and Ethan scour the parking lot for their limo. It appears Navid and AAdrianna made off with it in their labor frenzy. Silver notices that Dixon is still bumming. He starts to bring up what a hag she is for shitting all over Prom, but Annie interrupts to announce AAdrianna's labor. She says they need to get to Naomi's house, stat, and they end up begging Faux-ria Swanson for a ride. Faux-ria is none too pleased to lend a helping hand to Annie the Rat. Oh, Faux-ria. People in glass Hummers...
Meanwhile, Naomi apologizes to Liam for abandoning him to go to the hospital. He promises he'll see her later at her party, and they have a sweet smooch. He marvels at the fact that he couldn't open up to a therapist yet felt comfortable telling Naomi his deepest secrets. He makes sure she knows what he said was private. A slight look of concern flashes across her face before she assures him that his secrets are safe with her... and SG... and everyone who happened to be in the bathroom about 10 minutes ago. Okay, maybe not so safe?
Over at the hospital, black-eyed Navid gets sass from a receptionist, who thinks his Prom Night dust-up isn't worth her time. He finally hangs up her phone so she will notice that the crack baby is, like, halfway out of AAdrianna's vajayj. Credits.
Back at prom, Harry has invited the bastard hybrid of Kidz Bop and RockaPella to perform at his own school-sanctioned Post Prom-a-Palooza. He's even broken out the Wii and stocked up an ice cream Sundae Bar. This is going to be one crazy night! Debbie heads inside while Harry and Kelly have a flirty conversation. STOP IT! Harry gets a little handsy with Kelly, asking her to save his place in line at the Sundae Bar as he heads over to Debbie. He asks why she's not wearing her kick-ass "One party can ruin your whole summer" T-shirt, and she's all, "Oh, shoot! I forgot." Love it! Kelly interrupts to say she got a text that AAdrianna is in labor. They run out, and Harry grabs a tray of brownies along the way.
The party is in full swing over at Grifter Manor. Kids are spilling drinks and dropping food, as they are wont to do. Annie stoops down to frantically pick up the mess, and SG stomps up in her stilettos, stepping on Annie's hand. Then she has the nerve to be a bitch to Annie -- the one person trying to maintain some semblance of order. SG snaps up Annie's wrap and heads outside for air.
Across the room, Dixon and Ethan watch Silver. Dixon complains that he signed up for a regular high school girlfriend, but he got Silver. All the while Silver dances around, laughs, and enjoys the post-prom party -- a.k.a. all the things that normal high school girls do. Ethan reminds Dixon that Silver is better than a run-of-the-mill high school girl. She has "life force!" The first of many creepy looks crosses his face as he espouses all of Silver's virtues. He realizes he's blowing his cover and returns reassuring Dixon that he and Silver make a great couple. Dixon gets a goofy teenager-in-love look on his face as he remembers how much he loves Silver, and Ethan winces in the background. It's actually a great still frame, this. I'm considering making it my screen saver. Dixon heads off to hang with Silver, and Ethan takes out a solo prom snapshot of Silver and stares at it longingly. Annnnd he is verging on stalker right about now.
Hospital. Kelly, Harry, and Debbie arrive. Harry and Debbie worry that they haven't heard from Annie and Dixon but are quickly distracted when Harry pulls out the brownies he purloined from the Post Prom-a-Palooza. Debbie calls him a piglet, and he almost doesn't share with her. They sink their teeth in: "Mmmmmmmm..."
Cue AAdrianna squealing like, say, a piglet. And stressing like crazy. She is worried because the adoptive parents and DinaLite haven't arrived, Ty hasn't signed the waiver voiding his parental rights, and -- worst of all -- she doesn't have a toothbrush. Naomi, ever the nurturer, consoles her: "Don't worry, your breath doesn't smell that bad!" Kelly scrambles in (are this many people allowed in the delivery room?), saying she left a message with Brenda, who is inexplicably in China. AAdrianna takes this as yet more evidence she is not ready to have a baby. But, two seconds later, she has no choice. The baby's heart rate drops, and the doctors scuttle her away for an emergency C-section.
Grifter Manor. Dixon, Ethan, and the jocks slug down champagne as Annie scampers around like a Hall Monitor. She finds smug Liam, who has sketched a picture of her with an erupting volcano on top of her head. So clever that one, going all multimedia with his metaphors! Ugh.
Hospital. Navid holds the world's newest Baby Girl. He tries to persuade AAdrianna, who has her back turned, to hold her, but she coldly tells him to take the baby away. She stares forward blankly, shut off from this painful moment in reality. He heads out to the lobby to tell everyone that the baby has arrived safely and can be viewed in that weird conservatory where they keep little creatures. Everyone heads over there, save Debbie and Harry. Harry starts to ask Navid where Dixon and Annie are, but he blanks on Annie's name. I take infinite pleasure in this. Navid says he doesn't know where they went, so Harry asks if they're still at his house. Navid suddenly remembers that they were supposed to be having a party at his place and covers for them, then makes a quick exit. Debbie and Harry go into panic mode, wondering what they should do to find the kids. Debbie thinks they should drive around, then starts yawning widely. Harry laughs at how she yawns like a roaring lion. He does an impression of her, which, in turn, causes him to yawn. They dissolve into hilarity, finally realizing that, hey! They're really hungry! And drowsy! And loopy! And everything's suddenly a laugh riot! And, oh yeah, they ate those brownies! Those special brownies... In short, they are stoned. More importantly, stoned enough to realize how amusing this situation is.
Grifter Manor. Ethan spots Silver sitting alone at a table and joins her. She notes how distant she feels from Dixon since he won Prom King. Ethan points out that she is, in fact, technically prom royalty herself. She counters that that's not her deal. And here we go again with the outsider spiel, blah, blah, blah... Ethan notes that her differences from Dixon make her wonderful and, indeed, there are 364 other days of the year when those differences aren't so alienating. He chokes out that they are actually a great couple. She is relieved and gives him a hug. She notices that Ethan and Dixon accidentally swapped jackets. He looks over at Dixon nervously, remembering the stalker photo. Commercials.
Back at the Manor, Ethan heads over to Dixon at his impromptu DJ booth, saying they mixed up their jackets. Dixon takes it off, revealing just a sliver of the photo in Ethan's inside pocket. Ethan looks on, frazzled, but Dixon just asks if Ethan has any song requests. All is well... for now.
Hospital. Harry and Debbie jot down ideas on the topic "How to find kids." Ha! They rule out driving since they're stoned and loudly whisper about whether they should call a cab or just write down "Call a cab." Double ha. Kelly walks up, and they try to act all cool, but Debbie can't resist whispering, loud enough for Kelly to hear, "Should we tell her?" Harry confesses, at full volume, that they may have inadvertently scarfed down some pot brownies and now they're too stoned to drive around to find their kids. Cue snickers all around. Kelly assures them that they have good kids, and everything is probably fine. Crisis averted, Harry moves on to the issue of snacks. Kelly seductively fingers his collar as she promises to visit the vending machine. "Paranoid" Debbie eyes this development, then tells Harry Kelly has a crush on him as soon as she is out of earshot. Harry pawns it off to the pot, and they refocus their loopy energy onto some random guy who they think is staring at them. And he probably is. Because they're acting like weirdos.
Grifter Manor. Annie finds Faux-ria Swanson puking and barely stand in the bathroom. She offers to give her a ride home. Sucker.
Outside, Jen and Annie's find Liam. She notes how bored he looks before introducing herself as "Zelda," Naomi's door neighbor. She says his name sounds familiar to her, then unleashes all his most private and embarrassing stories on him with absolutely no remorse. He angrily asks where she heard these stories, and she implies that it's the talk of the town, thanks to Naomi. She manipulates Liam into denouncing his relationship with Naomi and heading upstairs with her. Gross.
Hospital. Brenda visits AAdrianna straight from a performance, in full-out Cleopatra regalia. AAdrianna notes the crazy coincidence that they're both playing Cleopatra. Brenda further teases out their similarities -- their love of drama, their dramatic lives. She asks about the baby, and AAdrianna is obviously uncomfortable talking about her. Brenda invites AAdrianna to take a walk. Once in the hallway, AAdrianna spots the name Jim Walsh on a hospital room and asks if it's a relative of Brenda. She says, "Yeah, that's my father. He's dying, actually." Commercials.
When we return and pick our jaws up off the ground, we see Brenda and AAdrianna staring at dying Jim Walsh's room. AAdrianna sympathizes deeply, but Brenda's too busy hoping the hospital caf has Jell-O with marshmallows. AAdrianna's all, "Your father's dying, and you want Jell-O?!" And, knowing Brenda's predilection for dramatics -- I mean, come on. Homegirl flipped out when she over-processed her hair -- this uber-cool, almost alien response is totally out of character. AAdrianna says Brenda should be with her father, regardless of how painful, because she'll always regret it if she doesn't say goodbye. And if you hadn't yet realized this was a dream, Brenda randoms, "Have you met my dragon?" Cue Chinese Dragon, which Brenda starts petting all sexy-like. What? AAdrianna implores Brenda to say goodbye to her father, but Brenda says she must head to China, then vanishes into thin air. AAdrianna wakes up, startled. She heads over to the baby-torium and meets her little girl for the first time.
Grifter Manor. Silver and all her Prom Court cronies jump into the pool fully clothed. Silver swims placidly, no doubt attempting to emulate Natalie Portman in Garden State. Ethan looks on, creepy as ever and no doubt attempting to emulate Zach Braff in Garden State. Dixon spots him and steps u
p to ask how long Ethan's been pining for Silver. Ethan tries to play dumb. He even swears he doesn't have a thing for Silver, but Dixon won't be dissuaded. He asks why Ethan had a picture of Silver in his pocket, so Ethan claims it was for Dixon. He finally tells Dixon to just let it go because he's done nothing wrong. They brace themselves for a stand-off just as Silver approaches to invite them into the pool. She has to watch as Dixon badgers Ethan into admitting that he like likes Silver. Ethan leaves stoically, Dixon stares on angrily, and Silver is dumbfounded.
Hospital. Naomi hugs Navid and heads out. Crossing her path on his way in is Ty with his parental rights waiver. He gives Navid a cigar as a peace offering, saying, "That's what they give new fathers, right?" In not so many words, he admits that Navid was the man that he never could have been in this situation. He jokingly pays respect to Navid's left hook before thanking him and heading off.
Elsewhere, Harry has passed out while Debbie devours the snacks. She tries to joke with Kelly about her "paranoid" assumption that Kelly was crushing on Harry. Kelly tries to reassure her that that's not the case, and Debbie goes for it, but it's way too awkward to be true.
Naomi finally returns to Grifter Manor, and the party is still raging. Some random girl points her upstairs to find Liam. In her bedroom, she finds Liam smugly, unremorsefully pulling up his pants. He won't say who he banged (not that Naomi would recognize the name "Zelda," anyway), so she looks around the room and finds Annie's wrap. The one she complimented earlier that night. The one that SG claimed as her own in a passive-aggressive hissy fit. She looks at Liam with daggers in her eyes, saying, "I don't ever want to see you again." She leaves, closing the door behind her.
SG reappears in Liam's tux shirt. She WASP-laughs about how "high-strung" her sister is and about her "bourgeois ideas of fidelity." Oh, get a new spiel, you over-indulged pratt. Liam freaks out that SG is Naomi's sister -- that shit is low even for him! SG reveals how Liam was simply a pawn in her game against Naomi, who she decided "needed to be knocked down a peg." Liam can't believe that she used him, but she smirks, "I'd consider myself lucky if I were you." She rattles on about how naïve high school boys are and advises him to keep this little treachery away from Naomi, lest she be devastated from his cruelty. Do people really fall for this table-turning manipulative bullshit? Especially people like Liam who live and breathe that shit? Regardless, he is absolutely revolted by SG: "You... are a bitch." Her retort? "Don't be vulgar. And yes... I am. When it's absolutely necessary."
Meanwhile, Naomi storms down the stairs to find Annie, who has just returned from designated driving. She dangles the incriminating wrap as she accuses Annie of seducing Liam. Annie fearfully backs down the stairs, befuddled. She tries to explain that she was driving Faux-ria home, but Naomi doesn't buy it since they weren't even on speaking terms a few hours ago. By the time Naomi points out that this wouldn't be the first time Annie stole a boy out from under her nose, she is shouting, and everyone in the room has turned to watch the bitch brawl. Naomi laughs bitterly to the crowd, "She acts like she's this innocent girl from Kansas." Annie tries to defend herself, but the villagers have already gotten out their pitchforks. Naomi Lambert screeches for Annie to get out of her house, and then some guy throws a drink in her face. Harsh. You can almost see the once-dormant lava inside Mount Saint Annie bubbling over as she tells Naomi and everyone at the party to go fuck themselves. She soggily heads outside, grunting and squealing like a stuck pig, and calls the police to report a rowdy party at Naomi's address. She grabs a bottle of vodka and flees.
Hospital. AAdrianna holds the baby when Brenda arrives, for real this time. AAdrianna asks where her dragon is and has to physically touch her so she can make sure she's not hallucinating again. As they coo over the baby, Navid comes in to tell AAdrianna that the adoptive parents have arrived. AAdrianna starts crying, saying this is exactly why she didn't want to hold the baby because now she's afraid she can't give her up. Brenda tells her chin up, that adoption is the greatest gift she can ever give. Brenda, now, is speaking from experience. That little trip to China was taken so she could adopt her own little (unwanted) baby girl, whom she has left with Cindy and Jim (who is not dying, thank Jeebus!). Brenda promises AAdrianna that making this couple happy will be worth more than anything.
Back in some heretofore unknown recess of Grifter Manor, Silver chases after Ethan. He says he never wanted things to come out like this. Silver begs him to reassure her that they're still friends -- just friends -- but Ethan can't resist grabbing her and planting a passionate kiss on her. I tell you one thing: Dustin Milligan isn't good for a lot, but damn he can swoop with the best of them. The scene gets a little bodice-ripper as Ethan says he can't handle being "just friends" any more. He points out that, if they were just friends, she would be with Dixon now instead of him. He leaves it up to her, and she appears to give it some real thought.
Inside, SG plays the shoulder-to-lean-on role as Naomi weeps pathetically in her lap. Sirens blare in the background.
At the hospital, AAdrianna reluctantly lets the adoptive parents take her baby girl. And the baby's name? Maisy. AAdrianna bids farewell to the baby she didn't even get to name. She cries deeply as Brenda and Navid comfort her.
Liam's house. He leaves a repentant message to Naomi but is interrupted when drill sergeants storm his room and literally rip him from his bed.
Elsewhere, that mess Annie drives along a desolate road as the sun comes up. Pathetic fallacy? Or just pathetic? She looks despondently at the half-consumed bottle of vodka and is suddenly jarred like she hit something -- or someone. She stops the car, looks frantically at the bottle of vodka, then sees a car approaching. She flees. The car behind slows down to inspect the dark mass crumpled on the ground. Is it a body? An animal? At this point, only Road Kill Wilson and the phantom driver know for sure. See you suckers season!