Hello, my lovelies, it's your regular weecapper here. Utmost apologies for my absence last Tuesday, but I recently moved to Canada, wherein I was challenged to an impromptu bearskin wrestling match with a member of the RCMP. Let's just say those Mounties can be really sore losers. Luckily, my full body cast leaves a few fingers free for typing. At any rate, I think my weekly sojourn to the Hills of Beverly will be good for my recovery, since the palm trees and saline implants will break up the impending blizzard-view from my window. But enough of that, we've got Letourneau-esque sexual tension, illegitimate children, and overly emotive renditions of Spring Awakening to discuss...
Previously on , we met a whole slew of stars better known for other roles, who can only hope to hold a candle to the charter citizens of the world's most famous (and cutthroat) zip code. At the center of it all is the Wilson family, headed by West Beverly alum Rob Estes -- who will always be Sergeant Chris Lorenzo from Silk Stalkings in my heart -- and Aunt Becky from Full House. Their daughter Annie, a.k.a. Darcy from Degrassi (shout out to Toronto!) has already won all the boys' hearts in the Bev-Niner with her cock-eyed naïveté and utterly spastic dance moves. Their son Dixon hopes his WASP-y moniker and lacrosse skills will make up for the fact that he's adopted and... gasp... black!
There to greet them with a swift shake of the hand and slap in the face are so-bitchy-her-hair-is-curly Naomi; her ex-ish boyfriend Ethan; Adrianna, a wannabe Lohan who doesn't get that you develop the drug problem after becoming famous; and (Erin) Silver. I know it's her surname and all, but if there's any better expression of her subconscious awareness that she's second best -- less wondrous than Kelly, less effectively bitchy than Naomi -- then I'd be hard pressed to find it. Hence all the emo-angsty lashing out. Silver's got it tough, guys. Tough.
And not to be forgotten, of course, are the completely ineffectual adults. There's Naomi's mother, who Sgt. Lorenzo's knocked up and abandoned way back when; teacher-slash-coach-slash-possible pedophile Ryan Matthews; guidance counselor extraordinaire Kelly Taylor (squeal!) and her bastard son; and, also back in town for a twirl is Brenda Walsh. And, OMG, I almost forgot the Wilson's acerbically awesome grandma, played by Jessica Walter. Her name is technically Tabitha, but to me she'll always be Lucille Bluth, a.k.a. "Gangy."
So, we join the Wilsons for their daily "we're hectically busy but still totally wholesome" breakfast. There's banana throwing, frantic talk of English projects, and late-night school board meetings. But (sigh) you just know it would be all right without the intrusion of those worldly Hills folk! Long story short, everyone goes off their separate ways, leaving behind poor, lonely Aunt Becky as she sadly butters her toast.
At West Bev HS, Ethan approaches a cold Naomi. He calls her out, and she plasters on her bravest former Painted Baby smile and asks him what's up. He mumbles that he wonders how she's doing. She gives him the "Fuck off, I'm fine" speech she practiced in the mirror, like, 400 times that morning, rubbing it in his face that she's going to Vegas to see Coldplay that night. She punctuates this point by slamming her locker and swirling her curls in pivot-stomp off to class. Know what would have made this scene better? Polka-dot leggings.
Kelly gives tardy Silver a little sister-as-Guidance-Counselor ribbing and notes that Silver looks rundown. Silver snarks that post-rehab chic is the new look. Kelly counters that brushing one's hair is always in style. Silver heads off to class, passing Mr. Matthews. He makes a beeline to flirt with Kelly, finally making a positively Casanovan segue into asking Kelly on a (second) dinner date.
In the cafeteria, Navid (whom I had already totally forgotten was even in the show) approaches the lacrosse table to invite the jocks over to watch the new Bond flick, to which his (porn) film producer dad has early access. Though they're more interested Navid's MILF mom than him, the guys accept. You know what would have improved this scene? Porkpie hats and vests over t-shirts.
Elsewhere, Annie runs into her new theater boyfriend, Ty. He asks if her parents are still irked that he whisked her off Pretty Woman-style to San Francisco for a school-night dinner date, then invites her to check out a band the night. She practically wets her pants with excitement, as you do, while accepting his offer.
Lorenzo and Aunt Becky reconvene at Casa Wilson. Aunt Becky chagrins that the family already doesn't have time for one another anymore. They're losing their Midwestern values, you get it? But she has a plan. Segue to the teens reacting exactly how you'd expect them to at the suggestion of spending Friday night with their parents instead of, say, with their ridiculously rich new boyfriend or their porn-heir friend. For their part, Lorenzo and Becky are just as shocked as you expect them to be that it's not their kids idea of heaven to spend a weekend night bowling. Lorenzo gets all Beverly Hillbillies, saying they need to "bring a little Kansas to Beverly Hills."
Silver walks down the street looking like a cross between Nanny from Muppet Babies and Tyra Banks that time she went "undercover" as a homeless woman. Silver heads into a women's shelter. But we'll have to wait to see what comes of that because it's time for the credits. And you know what would make these credits better? The double-chin punch.
The day (wasn't it night time when Silver went to the shelter?), Silver pleads with an admin-type to let her stay a little longer. The admin says there's no room at the inn and that they need to allot their space for genuinely needy people. Silver looks genuinely desperate.
There are so many effing filler shots in this show! Back at West Bev, Naomi continues her trend of wearing insanely short shorts as she lords her Vegas trip over her minions. And... that was the whole scene. Which is exactly why there are so many effing filler shots.
Elsewhere, Kelly and Matthews amble about the school talking about her son, Sammy. Matthews says he loves kids (don't they all in the beginning?), while conveniently eschewing his semi-flirtatious chalkboard-side manner. Kelly calls him out for having zero friends with kids, and he counters by mentioning that he often wins at Scrabble against the kids he works with in Juvie. Wow! Smart and unafraid to embarrass the ignorant! What a catch. Matthews realizes he's in a completely irredeemable conversation and exits after reminds Kelly that she promised to go to dinner with him.
Silver then approaches Kelly and proposes an old-school sleepover, saying they could invite Brenda. Perhaps remembering that slumber parties = date rape confessions, Kelly tells Silver that night is a no-go. Unfortunately for Silver, that means she's got an intimate date with the streets. It's totally Ricky Vasquez in My So-Called Life! Except bitchier... and in shorter shorts.
Ethan stops by Annie's locker to see what she's doing that night. She leads off with the sexier "I've got a date" scenario but is a big ol' goody-goody and quickly reveals that the date is with her parents. He says it won't be total "social suicide" if they go somewhere where no one from West Bev will see them. Bowling alley? Check. Or so you would think. Apparently, Lucky Strike is quite the hot spot. Is there nothing sacred for embarrassing parental excursions anymore? Surely there's a Medieval Times somewhere in the Valley. You can bet your bottom dollar Naomi ain't going there.
Ethan and Annie continue their pleasant flirtation until Ty comes in for the cock block. Ethan is off faster than a pair of Spanx on prom night. Ty regrets that Annie can't come to the concert. But Annie, that devious little ragamuffin, suggests he could just happen to stop at the bowling alley on his way to the pier. He squeezes every last ounce of Zac Efron out of the scene as they develop the plan. Then Annie dorks her way all over West Beverly when he heads off.
Out in the parking lot, Dixon is planning exactly the same scenario, except his involves Navid pulling all of the jocks away from James Bond night to go a bowling alley and rescue him. Navid agrees... because he is desperate for friends. They part, and Dixon finds Silver striking her emo-iest car top Vargas girl pose. They chat about math until he asks her what she's doing later. She jumps on it like a bean in Mexico, coyly responding, "You asking me out?" He says he can't because of the family night plans and further expositions that it was an honored Wilson tradition back in Wichita. Silver, being of the homeless variety, wistfully says that it sounds nice. Dixon asks if she wants to join them. And, God bless him, Dixon is just as dorky as Annie. I think he actually gives her the thumbs-up as he walks off.
In another sun-kissed spot, Naomi continues to be all, "I'm the prettiest girl in the whole world!" as she gives Adrianna another chance to be jealous of her plans. Her parents pull up in matching white M-Class SUVs. Dad breaks the news that he's canning the trip because he has to work. As a consolation present, he has given her the second of the aforementioned SUVs. Without missing a beat, both of her parents drive off with a squeal, and Naomi gives the most awesomely bratty ugly beyotch crybaby face ever, but then is all, "Suck it up, you are beautiful, no matter what they say!" Naomi may have had her "Not-So-Sweet 16" party last week, but she obviously still feels entitled to feel hurt by not getting exactly what she wants, when she wants it. It's Audrey from My Super Sweet 16 with a perm.
That night, the Wilson gang (with the notable absence of Gangy) heads to Lucky Strike. Aunt Becky continues the charade that Annie is wearing inappropriately skimpy clothes when she is actually wearing clothes that I, as a 26-year-old woman of fairly conservative dress style, would happily wear. They run into Silver, and Lorenzo and Aunt Becky are shanghaied into letting this stranger horn in their family tradition.
Annie runs up to Dixon to tell him that a.) the 'rents are going to be pissed that he welcomed an interloper and b.) it was totally useful that he did that because she did the same. She skips off (no exaggeration) as Silver taunts Dixon that she's going to kick his ass. And the Wilson parents follow, as if they couldn't hear their kids conspire... from three feet away.
At a mid-priced restaurant full of first-daters, Matthews brings Kelly a glass of wine. He yammers his way from traffic to inviting himself over to meet her son. That is, until he realizes that she probably doesn't want him to. She asks him if it freaks her out that she's a single mom. He is surprisingly charming as he responds, "Doesn't if freak you out that I am a child?" He reiterates that he would love to meet Sammy. Kelly admits that Sammy has only ever met his father. The baby daddy in question was someone with whom she had history in high school, followed by a one-night stand four years ago. My head is spinning with the possibilities! 1.) It is Brandon -- if Priestley decides to come on board; 2.) It's Dylan -- if Luke Perry realizes his career is dead and comes on board; 3.) Lorenzo is the biggest whore EVER and has two love children! Okay, the last one is totally not possible because Kelly's kid is four years old, but OMG, that would be a return to the good old days if I ever saw one. That scenario outfitted in Blossom Hats and pegged jeans. Perfection.
Over at Lucky Strike, bowling continues. Aunt Becky's pink-tank-topped boobs thank Silver for "joining" their family night. Like a wild, wild pony, her spirit has been broken and she has realized that "People around here don't really do family night." Au contraire, Silver says she appreciates what they have. Just then, Dixon calls Silver to tell her Navid have arrived. Silver asks Annie if Ty has come. She sadly says no.
Navid and crew hang at the snack bar. Navid wants to leave immediately, but Dixon resists. Ethan stretches out this boring, boring hour by proposing a bowling challenge. And I am telling you, they're not going. The crew heads back to the lanes, leaving behind Navid to polish his own ball (not a euphemism). What the hell? I thought they were going to ditch those old fogies for some PG-13 fun! If this were the old , they would have wrecked a car, gone to a rave, and played some Russian roulette by now. Only with more scrunchies and sideburns.
The kids bowl and dance like Cosmic Bowling is going out of style... which it did. Many years ago. Annie shakes her bony ass as Ethan looks on. And, I'm sorry, but if you're trying to tell me that a guy who just last week got a hummer in his car (in a very busy high school parking lot!) is now sweating over a girl in culottes, then I have no response. But because he is required to by contract and plot contrivance, Ethan asks Annie outside to "get some air." Even a Kansas girl knows what that means.
Elsewhere, Adrianna has forsaken her bangs and is treating Naomi to a one-woman Sara Bareilles homage as they troll L.A. in Naomi's new car. Adrianna gets a text message inviting them to Lucky Strike, but Naomi says they need to stop by her dad's office first to thank him for the new car. And as always happens when a bitch tries to be nice, she's totally going to discover him having an affair. Mark my words, people.
Back at the bowling alley, Annie bets that Ethan's parents never make him do family night. He says she's right -- his parents are divorced. She ominously says she knows tons of kids with divorced parents but would freak if hers split up. What if, say, you suddenly had an older brother? Ethan explains that the split has resulted in his parents competing for his love. Annie jokes that it must suck. He gets all sensitive jock and says, "You know, it actually kind of does." Deep! The trials of the modern teen, splashed on the primetime screen. Thank you, CW!
Apparently it's enough to win over Annie, though, because she edges closer even as Ethan ham-handedly segues into a joke about taking his emotional baggage and auditioning for The Hills. And of course, like any other red-blooded American woman, when I hear the name "Spencer Pratt," I am ready to drop trou... but let's not get too carried away with the topical humor, okay, ? Their nearness marks the perfect time for Ty to finally arrive. He spies his groupie getting a little too cozy with Ethan and literally has to shout at her to distract her. You almost feel for the guy... until he gives an eyebrow raise that reveals him to be a douche. Still, she goes to Ty, and they walk off hand-in-hand. At least Ethan's not stuck holding a pentapus this time.
Over at Naomi's dad's office, Naomi and Adrianna roll in and park. Just as they start to get out, they spot Papa Clark and his mistress in full-on canoodle. (Who called it?) Adrianna fills in the blanks for the most dense viewers... and/or Naomi herself, saying, "That's not your mom!" Naomi looks like she is about to set a bitch's weave on fire.
Meanwhile, Annie and Ty hang out. She marvels that he was just at Chris Brown's birthday party. He ennuis that it's the family business and that he's "over the scene." I'll say, only a hayseed who considers sleeveless clothing scandalous would swallow this line. He saw her coming a mile away. He reminds her they'll need to leave to catch the concert, so she goes to ask her parents' permission.
Annie meets up with Ma and Pa Wilson, and they agree that she can go. At precisely the same time, Dixon heads over looking for an out, and they accept defeat. And is anyone else finding it ridiculous that these kids act like they're getting paroled from lockdown. They bowled with their friends on their parents' dime. What's the problem? Also? Lorenzo and Aunt Becky are totally going to regret this decision when both of their kids are wearing sunglasses and turtlenecks in the morning.
And now hopefully some drama! Naomi and Adrianna arrive at Lucky Strike. Naomi has gone mute, so Adrianna heads inside and crashes the awkward ménage between Ethan, Annie, and Ty. Ethan heads off. After that, apropos of nothing, Adrianna blabs about Naomi's dad. Because that's what friends are for. (I'm sure there will be a "blogisode" for anyone who wasn't in ear shot, though.) Also apropos of nothing, Annie decides she's good enough friends with Naomi to ditch Ty. She's not, of course, but it's high school, and you're not a high school girl if you don't flock to drama like moths to the flame.
Ethan runs up to Naomi's car, and she tearfully confesses what she saw. So, her cheating ex-boyfriend pulls her in his arms to console her... at which point, Annie runs up and realizes, "Wow, I am so not necessary in this situation." And also maybe that she was only running toward Naomi in order to be near Ethan. Ethan walks away with Naomi, foiling her plan as he offers only a passing glance back at Annie. Ouch!
Silver, Dixon, and Navid watch from afar for about five seconds, then the boys decide to go ahead with the movie screening. Silver reminds Annie what she should have figured out by now: Ethan and Naomi will not be torn asunder (at least not before sweeps!). On the heels of this, Annie gets a text message from Ty, who realized that he'd get more play at the concert and left her in the dust. The girls decide to crash the boys' night.
Back at Casa Wilson, Lorenzo and Aunt Becky turn to the bottle as they laugh about the night's events. She feels a little rejected that her kids don't want to be BFF with her, but is overall pretty good-spirited about it. Not much else happens. You know what would have made that scene better? Shoulder pads.
In the lower-rent part of town, Kelly and Matthews wrap up their date. Matthews goes on some contemplative tangent about his grandfather, who very well may have been Aaron Spelling, and talks about how having buckets and buckets is destructive to the human spirit or something. Kelly diffuses the weirdness and thanks him for the night. He continues his one-note symphony by saying he would love to meet Sammy, which launches them into the "are we, or aren't we" discourse. Kelly goes hardcore high school and says that they're "just... hangin' out." And what would hanging out be without making out? So they do that. And then suddenly they decide they're dating. Because even the adults are really high schoolers in the Bev Niner.
The Wilson kids and Silver return home with nothing of value to say about the movie. Navid's dad probably made them sign a contract. Lorenzo and Aunt Becky immediately send them off to do chores. So that's why you have kids! Silver makes a graceful exit, despite the fact she'll be walking Hollywood Boulevard just like Sydney Andrews. As she walks off, the touchy-feely Wilsons rub their familial bonding in her face. Happy bastards.
Later, Dixon spots Silver sleeping in her car as he takes out the trash. He wakes her up, and Silver explains her mother is a scary drunk. Dixon comforts her but eventually realizes he must tell his father. Silver worries she'll be even more of a freak if her schoolmates find out about her mom, but Dixon reveals even more back story as he explains some of his other foster parents alcoholics, too. And that's all very touching, but why in the holy hell would he tell Silver this? I want to believe in her, but you know there's some way she'll find an angle where this information can be used to "hurt" Naomi. Silver is not to be trusted just yet.
And speaking of Naomi's, the princess gets home and crawls into her mom's bed. We're supposed to be touched, I think, but whatever. Like infidelity is not par for the course here. Also? Pre-nup. Also? It's been established that Naomi's mom is kind of a whore. That's probably how she hooked Naomi's dad in the first place.
Inside Casa Wilson, the whole gang gathers around caucusing about Silver. Lorenzo totally oversteps his boundaries by offering her a place to stay. Dixon tries to be extra helpful by offering that Silver can stay in his room. Har har! It's all fun and games until Brandon loses his virginity. Aunt Becky declares the kids should get some sleep, so they kiss and hug and goodbye, leaving Lorenzo looking pensive. The morning, Lorenzo and Kelly resolve that Kelly needs to talk to her mother. You know what that means? Jackie Taylor-Silver approaching. Hide your sharp objects!
And now the continuation of Naomigate. Princess NaNa, wearing bright white parachute shorts and a sleeveless halter version of Seinfeld's "Puffy Shirt" that she apparently slept in from the night before, approaches her mom to drop the bombshell. Naomi's mom reacts exactly as expected; she even knows the mistress's name. Naomi gives her best "I'm on a soap opera, and it's almost commercial time, so I need to appear shocked" face, and (you guessed it!) the commercials roll.
And we're back. We discover that the affair has gone on for two years. Naomi asks if her parents are getting divorced. Of course they're not. That's way too inconvenient. I mean really, these kids need to take a pointer or two from Gossip Girl. I do not believe for one second that TV L.A. is any less fake or conniving than TV New York, so for Naomi to have such righteous indignation over this situation is ridiculous. She's probably still pissed that she didn't get to see Coldplay... Naomi ends her tirade, asking, "Mom, what kind of life is this?" Her mother succinctly replies, "Sweetheart, it's one that I don't want to lose." Though she's more than happy to unleash a shit storm all around the newbie Kansans...
And it's Jackie Taylor-Silver time! Kelly chastises Jackie for not knowing where Silver has been. Jackie kind of ignores that whole point and just goes straight for outright mockery of the 12 Steps. And then in walks Silver. Before she can say much, though, Kelly announces that they're leaving together. Jackie briefly acts indignant, but, when Silver tries to speak up, she banishes them both. That was pretty slapped together and altogether anti-climactic. I think it needed more spiky hair... and shoulder pads.
And now it's time for the closing montage set over evocative music that will set up week's major themes. The song: "Better in Time" by Leona Lewis (we can only hope so re: the show itself). Shot 1: Annie gets a text message from Ethan. Shot 2: Naomi continues to be both ugly and pouty as her family continues its business as usual. Shot 3: Kelly and Silver hang out in bed with Sammy. And Scene 4: We start where we begin -- breakfast at Casa Wilson. Except this time the kids have prepared a full spread, and everyone has time to chat and chew. But where the hell is Lucille?
week: Naomi gets a taste of her own medicine when she asks Silver not to blog about her dad. Ethan manages to simultaneously make up with Naomi and ask out Annie, who continues to make out with Ty. Dixon and Silver get closer. And Brenda accuses Kelly of still carrying a torch for Dylan.