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Who knew that a leap of faith could be so damn boring? RevCam non-deals with a family we've never seen before who have two children with sickle cell anemia, and it's just a commercial for St. Jude's hospital anyway, which I'm sure is a great place and all, but zzzzz. Peter shows up, accompanied by his dad and his pregnant-ass mom, who want RevCam to marry them before the baby is born. Ruthie uses this time to try to find out what went wrong with her and Peter's relationship, thereby making things go wrong with her current one with Vincent. Kevin does his part by accidentally convincing Vic not to go through with the marriage. Simon comes home to hear his STD test results, and, when he finds out he's all clear, becomes super-churchy and starts saying God a lot and wearing a cross necklace while his dad, WHO IS A PASTOR, laughs at him and shakes his head. Martin is still somehow dating Zoe, and she convinces him to stay out late on a school night. He leaves his cell phone behind and misses a call from his dad, and blames it all on Zoe, of course. In the end, Vic and Paris have their wedding, the random sickle cell family come to watch on their way to St. Jude's, and Martin's cell phone rings in the middle of the service. It's The Marine, and he's coming home. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
We open in the Glenoak Hospital. I'm hopeful that this means RevCam finally got the Big One, but we soon see him alive and roaming the halls, and my heart sinks. He's just making his snooping rounds, and soon finds a room full of parishioners whose lives he can insert himself into. He lies that he hopes he's not intruding, and we meet Lynn and her two daughters, Tonya and Kristy. RevCam says he was just here to check on Tonya, who is our hospital patient. She responds with a weak thumbs-up that I'd like to think was more of a "get out of my room!" gesture than an "I'm okay." Lynn tells us that Tonya just had a blood transfusion, and Kristy will be having hers week. This, Lynn says, is "the usual." "I know it's tough," says RevCam, except that he totally doesn't know how tough it is. Lynn asks to speak to RevCam outside, and they leave the room, but not before RevCam can nag the two sick kids to come to church on Sunday, because regular church attendance should be your first concern if you're in the freaking hospital.
Outside, Lynn bitches to RevCam about she's been bumped down to part time at her job, because, as we know, all Glenoak business owners are heartless bastards who will fire you if your wife dies, when they aren't stealing your prosthetic arm. On the bright side, says Lynn, less work means she gets to spend more time with her kids. Anyway, the real issue here is that Russell, Lynn's ex-husband, is back in town. He walked out on his wife and kids when their youngest child was diagnosed with sickle cell anemia, and has limited his contact with them since then to birthday and Christmas cards and financial support. Now, out of nowhere, he wants the girls to live with him in Memphis. Memphis is in Tennessee, which adds yet another state to the CamUnited States of America, of which there are now six or seven. Lynn obviously has a few problems with Russell's plans, and wants RevCam to talk to him, and she'd rather not be present. This works out great for both parties, as Lynn doesn't have to see her horrible ex-husband, and RevCam gets to involve himself in some serious family disputes that are none of his business. Just the way he likes it.
And for our Opening Credits Timewaster, Ruthie and SamVid set the table. But -- oh, hilarity! -- Vid sets the table wrong, then Ruthie corrects it, and then Sam screws it up again! Watching the "comedy" of errors is Happy, who is bored to tears. Finally, Ruthie yells at the twins to set the table the right way. They refuse to do this, saying they have their own way of setting the table. The twins are getting feisty these days! Stupid, but feisty. Suddenly, Simon enters for a surprise visit. Lucy bounds downstairs, sees Simon, and immediately starts sniping at him that she and Kevin have been trying to get in touch with Simon for weeks. Before she can blab that it's about his STD test results, Simon flashes her a look and she stammers that they just wanted to see how he was doing. "I'm fine," says Simon. "Yeah, well, you coulda let someone know," snaps Lucy. Ruthie looks around all, "I'm pretty stupid, but even I have figured out that something is going on here." Lucy tries to cover by asking Ruthie how she is, like Lucy is just concerned about her siblings' welfares in general. Ruthie says she's fine. SamVid report that they are fine as well, even though no one inquired as to their condition. "I'm a new mother!" Lucy volunteers. Happy whines in pain.
Martin's in the garage apartment. His phone rings. It's Zoe, and it seems that she and Martin have gotten back together again, even though Martin hates her and dumped her last week. Also, we see Zoe sitting in her bedroom, and it seems that her family has rebounded nicely from their financial difficulties last week, when they couldn't even afford freaking food, as she's got some fancy-looking bedding resting atop her pillow-laden bed. Zoe needs Martin to help her with a homework assignment. She has to watch a meteor storm at 9:30, and, for some odd reason, she needs Martin to drive her somewhere to see it. Martin says he's not allowed out that late. That, and he hates her. Zoe says if Martin doesn't help her, she'll get an F on her assignment and she "can't afford to lower [her] average." Can't "afford" it? Is this going to be a show about government-issued grade stamps? Zoe tells Martin to just sneak out of the CamPound. "Be a man!" she says. "I need you. Come rescue me!" Oh, pathetic.
Kevin corners Simon in the kitchen and asks him how he's doing. Simon doesn't understand why people keep asking him that, because he's stupid and this gives Kevin a chance to exposit Simon's whole STD deal to anyone who missed that episode. We still don't find out which STD, exactly, Simon's afraid he caught. Simon tells Kevin that he didn't see a doctor until yesterday, and he came home to wait for the results. RevCam enters, and Kevin immediately runs away. Like, he actually jumps off his chair and runs away. My 7th Heaven Law of Spatial Relations theory has yet to be disproved. Simon tells RevCam that he's getting the results soon. RevCam doesn't really care about Simon's health, though; he just wants to nag him to stop having unmarried sex, now that he has seen what the risks of it are. Because married people NEVER get STDs. ["He's also seen the risks of married sex, RevCam, namely his siblings, so why don't you a little more parenting and shutting up and a little less telling Simon how to live? I hate this goddamn show." -- Sars] Simon says the only thing he's touched since the STD thing has been his schoolbooks. He's a changed man. I can't really blame him, seeing as during the year he's been sexually active, he's had a pregnancy scare, an STD scare, and dated a bunch of women who look like his mother.
Lucy shows Savannah off to Paris. Lucy's well-informed warning to Paris about not using elevators anywhere near her delivery date seems to have occurred off-camera. Lucy asks Paris what her plans are for after the baby is born and Paris goes back to work. Paris says that she and Vic have worked out a schedule where one of them is always home when the other is at work. She also says that she is the family's primary breadwinner, and I'm shocked that this show could be so progressive so as to suggest that a female can (or should) earn money like that. Surely there will be a demonstration of the error of Paris's ways before the episode's conclusion. Lucy shares that she and Kevin aren't sure what to do when Lucy goes back to work. Paris says that Annie can just take care of Savannah. Savannah registers her displeasure with this by gurgling adorably. Seriously, that baby is so cute. She's the highlight of my 7th Heaven viewing experience. Lucy says she thought Annie could take care of Savannah too, but Kevin says no. Kevin then walks in, and Paris says that must be her "cue to leave." It's science, Paris.
With Paris gone, Kevin and Lucy can now share a scene. Kevin wonders if they can arrange their work schedules like Paris and Vic did. He can work the night shift while Lucy associate-pastors all day. Walking the Promenade beat at night? That's a death sentence, Kevin! Please do it. It would seem that after a week of regular sex with Lucy, Kevin finally came to his senses and realized how much better off he was without it, because that work schedule doesn't allow them to have very much time together. Lucy scoffs that she doesn't see Kevin as a "stay-at-home dad." Except that he wouldn't be, since he'd be working, but whatever, Lucy. Kevin says he could do it, and wants a "trial run" tomorrow so he can show Lucy his mad baby-parenting skillz.
Simon enters the garage apartment just as Martin's putting on his coat to leave. Martin immediately takes his coat off and lies that he was just getting back from somewhere. Simon, being a man of the world, knows what's up. He asks Martin if he can sleep on the garage apartment couch so he won't have to be around his horrible family and can have some privacy for the phone call he's expecting. Martin points out that Simon won't have that much privacy since he's sharing the space with Martin. Simon says that Martin was clearly on his way out the door when he arrived, so it looks like he'll have the apartment to himself for a little while. Martin gets all defensive and says he was going out for a homework assignment. Simon just laughs and says he won't tell anyone anything, but warns Martin to "be careful," because Simon knows what the harsh world out there is really like. He's seen things you wouldn't imagine. Martin takes Simon's advice to heart by forgetting to pack his cell phone.
And now it's time for Simon's desperate and touching plea to God: "God, um…if everything's okay, if I turn out okay, then…I promise I won't ever have sex again until after I'm married. And I promise I'll start going to church again, and I promise that I'll just try to be a better Christian." Basically, he's offering church attendance for a healthy wang. Oh, chill out, Simon. Almost all STDs are curable, most easily so. I'm sure it's not fun, but there's no need to worry so much. As for the incurable STDS, I did some research, and blood tests for herpes cannot be performed until twelve to sixteen weeks after exposure, as is the case with HIV, where the CDC recommends waiting six months. So Simon's mystery STD has to be a curable one, this is ridiculous, and I'm going to clear out my saved form information before someone does an internet search on my computer and sees that I've been very curious about HIV and herpes transmission lately.
RevCam sits around the Promenade by himself. His solitude is interrupted by two boys, who ask him for ten dollars so they can buy coffees. RevCam says he can't afford that. "Neither can we," says one of the boys, and they leave. Um…huh? Was that scene supposed to be in last week's episode? Does our government now have a coffee stamp program that we should be aware of? Is Brenda setting up an important storyline about price gouging on the Promenade? And who the hell are those boys? Did they win their nonsensical walk-on part in a contest or something? And why do they want coffee so late at night anyway?
And then we finally meet Russell, and it appears that Brenda's love of the fifties extends past names and into African-American male hairstyles. The last time I saw anyone with Russell's hairdo was in the video for "Unforgettable" by Natalie and Nat King Cole. And that was archival footage. It seems that, anticipating that the lily-white audience would be confused and scared by the sudden appearance of black people on the show, the SevHev hairstyle team gave Russell a 'do that makes him immediately identifiable as non-threatening and benign. What else would you expect from a show that only includes black people in storylines when they're victims of racism who need help from kindly white people, or have abandoned their families? Russell asks RevCam how his ex-wife and kids are doing, like, if he really cared, you think he would have -- oh, I don't know -- BEEN IN CONTACT WITH THEM?! This show of concern rings just a little false to me. RevCam tells us about how Tonya and Kristy are often sick and in pain, and Lynn is just exhausted after spending all her time either working or taking care of them. "It's pretty much the way I pictured it," says Russell, who maybe shouldn't have ABANDONED HIS OWN FAMILY if that's the way he thought things would end up. Russell tries to win us all over with a sob story about how his watched his mother die of sickle cell anemia, and he couldn't bear watching both of his daughters suffer as well. He cries, and RevCam tells him to take his time as he wonders if those two boys will buy him the coffee he'll need to stay awake for Russell's boring life story.
After the commercial, Russell is still crying and talking about what a bad person he is for abandoning his family. Admitting that doesn't mean you suck any less, Russell. He tells us about how he and Lynn were crushed when Tonya was diagnosed with sickle cell. They weren't planning on having a second child, but they "weren't careful," so along came Kristy, and she had sickle cell, too. Russell couldn't bear to watch his children be in pain and have strokes and die like his mother did, but he sucked it up and decided to be the best possible support he could for his children. Oh, no, wait, I'm sorry -- he actually just ran away. He's back in Glenoak because he realized that his daughters don't have to suffer like his mother did.
Annie attempts to read in the complete darkness of her bedroom. Lucy walks in and broaches the subject of going back to work, and Annie babysitting Savannah. Annie laughs, then, realizing that Lucy is serious, says no several times. "Let me just say this for the record," she concludes. "I do not want to take care of my beautiful granddaughter, whom I love dearly, while her mother goes back to work. No." Lucy bugs out her eyes, simply unable to believe that her parents aren't taking care of her twenty-two-year-old ass. Oh, that was a great scene.
Ruthie's on the phone with Vincent, even though she isn't supposed to be able to talk for more than fifteen minutes a day. She tells him all about Peter, and how she can't believe he said (off-camera, very regrettably) that he didn't have feelings for her anymore, and Peter sure did get cooler during his absence. Ruthie asks Vincent if he finds it as odd as she does that, after "dating" for a year and a half, Peter suddenly wouldn't have any feelings for her. Vincent doesn't respond. Ruthie prods him, and he says that he doesn't understand why his girlfriend is talking his ear off about her ex-boyfriend and how upset she is that he doesn't have feelings for her. Vincent thinks that Peter doesn't have feelings for Ruthie because he has a new girlfriend, although Vincent doubts Peter would be so stupid and rude as to tell her about Ruthie. And then he hangs up on her, which was great.
In the Treehouse of Martin, Simon is sitting in quiet contemplation, so what better time for RevCam to try to talk to him about sensitive matters that Simon obviously doesn't want to discuss? But first, RevCam wants to know where Martin is. Simon says he doesn't know, because, unlike the rest of his family, he isn't a tattletale. And RevCam can't call Martin to find him, because Martin left his cell phone behind. RevCam suspects that Martin left the phone behind on purpose so that RevCam wouldn't be able to call him, like, way to be both technologically ignorant and self-obsessed at the same time. When I don't want to talk to certain people on my cell phone, I do this thing called "checking the caller ID," and then I choose whether or not I'll answer. Simon says that someone's been trying to reach Martin all night. RevCam says he'll wait for Martin to come back, and hey! Maybe RevCam and Simon can have a talk in the meantime.
RevCam asks Simon if he's worried about the test results. Simon says he isn't, because he used protection. Yes, well, protection in CamLand only works about three percent of the time, thus giving us surprises like SamVid and Savannah, so I'd be pretty damn worried if I were Simon. Well, I would if the STD I was at risk of getting weren't easily curable. RevCam asks Simon if he maybe didn't use protection -- "TOOK A RISK" -- but lied to everyone about it. Simon says no way. RevCam says "yeah," like he doesn't believe a word that comes out of his sex-havin' son's mouth, then notices a Holy Bible to Simon's chair. He quickly makes a mental note that the kitchen chair is uneven again now that the support is gone, then says he finds it "interesting" that Simon has gotten all godly recently. I find it boring, but that's me. RevCam wonders if Simon struck a deal with God to stay STD-free. Yeah, or maybe Simon just reads his Bible because, unlike the rest of his supposed church-going family, he's religious.
Kevin's rooting around the fridge to steal some food out of SamVid's mouths when Vic comes to the door. Kevin tells him that RevCam isn't around, but Vic tells Kevin that he'll "do." "Thanks!" says Kevin, who doesn't know a backhanded compliment when he hears one. Vic needs some advice about his upcoming nuptials. He thinks Paris is only marrying him because she's pregnant. Kevin points out that pregnant or no, Paris doesn't have to marry anyone. A lot of women are single moms, Kevin says, trying to take the disapproving edge out of his voice. "Nothing says you have to get married," Kevin says. Vic says that's true; their lives have been great this last year (mostly due to their having no contact with the Camdens, I suspect), so it would be stupid to mess around with things by getting married. Vic thanks Kevin for telling him not to get married. Kevin stares: his eyes, squinty; his jaw, slack.
Ruthie calls Peter on the Lame Clear Phone. Peter's bedroom must be crowded nowadays, considering it's the same set as Vincent's room. Not that Peter or Vincent would mind sharing a bedroom all that much, I suspect. Peter answers the phone, and his obvious disappointment at hearing Ruthie's voice is awesome. He tells her that he knows she has a boyfriend now, and he has a girlfriend. "We're in a committed relationship," says Peter. Well, I heard they got pinned. I was hoping they would. Now they're living at last. Goin' steady for good. Peter says there's really nothing else for them to say to each other, and they hang up. Peter may well have made up for all of last season with that one scene.
Back at the Treehouse, RevCam stammers that he'd be happy if Simon "decided to consider [his] life in terms of spiritual matters," and then gets cuts off by the ringing of Martin's cell phone before he can add that he'd rather Simon didn't offend any segment of 7th Heaven's audience by mentioning Jesus or Christianity or flashing around the Bible. We call Christianity "spiritual matters" and we call sex "being a husband" here. RevCam answers Martin's cell phone to the Musical Cue of Possible Bad News. Then the scene ends.
After the commercial, it's the day. We may possibly also be in an alternate universe, as RevCam actually announces his arrival at the Treehouse, as opposed to his usual stealth method of entry. Martin says he didn't get in until two in the morning last night, so he didn't go to see RevCam. Two in the morning? You'd think he'd be tired the morning, but that would also force Tyler Hoechlin to act and that's not going to happen. RevCam asks Martin what the hell he was doing for school that whole time, and Martin assumes that Simon told on him, which he didn't. RevCam tells Martin that he missed a call from his dad last night, and Martin gets all upset. He says that he knew RevCam wouldn't "approve" of his being out late with Zoe "even though it was only for school and there's [sic] witnesses," so he decided not to tell him about it at all. What school is telling its students to watch a meteor shower until two in the morning on a school night? And who are these witnesses? The only people I see in the park at two in the morning tend to be there because they don't have anywhere else to go. RevCam says it's too bad that Martin didn't trust RevCam to trust Martin, looking all sad about this lack of trust even though you know that if Martin had asked RevCam if he could stay out until two in the morning, RevCam would have said no about a thousand times. Martin says he "TOOK A RISK" by not asking RevCam for permission. "And while you were out TAKING A RISK, you missed an important call from your dad," says RevCam, making a few Mike Brady "I'm very disappointed in you" and "your actions have consequences" faces. Just keep rubbing salt in the kid's emotional wounds because he dared to defy you, RevCam, you ass. Martin asks what his dad was calling about. RevCam says he doesn't know; his dad wanted to talk to Martin personally. He'll try to call back tonight. RevCam also mentions that Marine Daddy was "upset" that RevCam didn't know where Martin was, although "that wasn't why he called." I guess RevCam thinks that his business is so damn important that soldiers in Iraq are kept up-to-date about all the CamPound goings-on, so Marine Daddy would immediately know that Martin snuck out and call to yell at him. Okay.
After sending him on the worry/guilt trip of all time, RevCam gives Martin a reassuring pat on the shoulder and tells him not to worry. Simon walks in, apparently fresh from the shower, and starts talking about God. He graciously offers to pray for Marine Daddy. "Thanks, I guess," says Martin, because prayers from sinners are worth, like, a thousandth of the prayers from righteous people. Martin grabs his backpack and leaves, his head bowed in exaggerated sadness. When people do this on Arrested Development, they play the rejection theme from the Peanuts cartoons and it's awesome.
Lucy and Kevin prepare for Kevin's very own version of Mr. Mom! Lucy kisses the baby goodbye, and Kevin asks her if he should feed Savannah some of his sandwich if she gets hungry while Lucy's out. Kevin loves his sandwiches! Lucy starts to freak out, and Kevin laughs at her that he was just kidding. "It's not funny," says Lucy. Damn right, it ain't. "Blooowaaha," says Savannah, kicking her legs up in the air. She's looking forward to a day without her horrible mother around.
RevCam's just getting into his office when Lynn stops by, asking how RevCam's conversation with Russell went. RevCam tells her that there's a reason Russell wants the girls to move to Memphis. Has Lynn ever heard of St. Jude's Research Hospital? She has, but thought it was only for kids with cancer. She's wrong, of course, as the hospital is a research facility for many other childhood diseases as well, including sickle cell. Russell heard about this and got some information that RevCam claims is "very interesting." I bet it isn't. Arms folded defiantly, Lynn says she's not sending her kids anywhere just because her deadbeat ex thinks something is interesting. "They have a new drug," says RevCam, "one that won't make you sick." One that won't make you crash your car, or make you feel three feet thick. Until Ray Parker Jr. steals your song for the Ghostbusters theme. RevCams PSAs that St. Jude's has had a drug for sickle cell for a while now, and it's been very helpful to a lot of kids with limited side effects. Shouldn't Lynn know this? Wouldn't a mother spend, like, every waking moment research her kids' serious illness and any possible drugs for it, instead of just hoping that someone she knows happens to stumble onto a research hospital like that?
Lynn says that there's no way she can afford any new drugs. She's already spending thirty thousand dollars a year for each kid already. Wait wait wait -- Lynn is spending sixty thousand dollars a year, and she's only working one part-time job? While Zoe's parents are working thirty jobs between them, and still can't pay for food? The hell? It's not an issue anyway, as St. Jude's pays for whatever insurance doesn't cover. Plus, the new mystery drug could very well eliminate a lot of those medical expenses. Kids are in less pain, they're in the hospital less, and it seems to decrease the likelihood of strokes. "But it's a RISK," says Lynn. Yes, Lynn, it is. You'll have to take a LEAP OF FAITH. RevCam says that the long-term effects of the new drug aren't known yet, but the long-term effects of blood transfusions are, and they're not good.
Lynn says she can just give the drug to her kids in Glenoak. There's no need to move to Memphis and let Russell "take over." At this point, Russell enters the room and asks if he can explain himself. As Lynn rolls her eyes, Russell says he doesn't want to take anything over. "I will think about. The new treatment plan," says Lynn, refusing to look at Russell. But she won't think about moving the girls to Memphis, and certainly not to live with Russell, the family-abandoner. Russell says he just wants a second chance, and he makes enough money to support Lynn and the girls, so Lynn wouldn't have to work. She can be there for her kids all the time, and he can be there for them sometimes! Russell says that Nurse Cornball at St. Jude's told him that the new drug "doesn't just heal sickle cell patients; it heals families." Lynn and Russell make emotional faces at each other, and RevCam, his eyes probably also brimming with tears, says that Lynn doesn't have to make her decision right now. Russell says the sooner she makes it, the better it will be for their daughters. He cares a great deal about their welfare for someone who just spent the last five years not even bothering to call. I mean, did he ever even stop to think that emotional consequences his abandonment had on his daughters wasn't doing their health any favors? I think it's been proven that happy patients get healthy faster. Tonya and Kristy probably weren't too happy when they woke up one morning to find their father gone. "Can I buy you a cup of coffee?" Russell asks. Oooh, he IS Mr. Deep Pockets! Coffee on the Promenade costs about as much as that annual sickle cell care bill. It's easy to have a lot of money when you aren't busy with things like child-rearing, though. Lynn wipes her tears and thinks about taking a LEAP OF FAITH.
Ruthie finds Vincent at school. He's wearing his only shirt, the one with the vertical stripes. He doesn't want to talk to Ruthie, and she doesn't understand. She likes Vincent, not Peter, so why is Vincent angry? Vincent says he thinks that Ruthie was just upset that Peter rejected her before she could reject him. Ruthie says that's not the case. Vincent then calls Ruthie on calling Peter after she talked to him because she just "had to know" if he had a girlfriend. "He…I…he…" says Ruthie, sounding more and more like RevCam every day. She begs Vincent not to be mad at her. "That's the chance you took when you picked up the phone last night," says Vincent, like he can be all self-righteous after dumping Ruthie two weeks ago and then dating another girl immediately afterwards.
Martin yells at Zoe about how she made him go out last night and he missed a call from his dad that could have been bad news. Zoe says that it isn't her fault that Martin went out without taking his cell phone, and she's totally right. Martin storms away, and she pathetically follows him, apologizing left and right for making Martin take such a "RISK." "Doing the wrong thing is always a RISK," says Martin, "and my dad is adventurous and all that, but he never does the wrong thing." Yeah, hero-worshipping your parents is cute and normal when you're a kid, but by the time you're Martin's age, you should probably recognize the fact that your parents are human and have flaws. Even if they are soldiers in Iraq. Martin says he'll call Zoe when he hears from his dad. Zoe manages not to collapse from hunger. Thanks, food stamps!
Paris walks right on into Kevin and Lucy's room. She sees Kevin asleep in a rocking chair. He's holding Savannah, and I'm not sure if that's the safest thing to do. Couldn't you drop the baby? I drop stuff when I fall asleep all the time. I guess Kevin doesn't need to worry too much, though, as he could drop Savannah, give her permanent brain damage, walk out on her and Lucy for a few years, then come back when he found a way to be a father that wasn't so difficult, and that would be okay. Kevin wakes up, and Paris asks him if he told Vic not to marry Paris. "Um…not exactly," Kevin non-answers.
Simon Bibles it up. His phone rings, and he rushes to answer it. "Simon Camden!" he says. What college student answers the phone that way? I did that once when I knew a possible job was calling, and the guy laughed at me and my faux professionalism. He did hire me, though. The scene ends before we can find out anything about Simon's STD.
In the kitchen, RevCam and Vic are in conference. They're both all suited up, so it looks like the wedding is going on as planned. Vic says that when Kevin pointed out that things were fine the way they were, he thought that maybe they shouldn't get married and possibly "mess things up." Anyway, no one feels that way anymore, so it's wedding time. In the living room. Vic runs off as Simon enters, full of good news about his medically cleared wang. RevCam reminds Simon that he did make a deal with "the Almighty" about those STD test results, and Simon says he sure did. He's seen the light now, and is wearing a huge-ass silver cross around his neck to show for it. Oh man, he is going to annoy the hell out of people when he gets back to campus. "The first step to wisdom is the fear of God," Simon Bible-quotes, "or something like that." "Yeah…something…like that," says RevCam, because he sure as hell doesn't know it.
Simon says he's going back to school now. He won't be staying the weekend, as he only came in case he "needed" RevCam. And now he doesn't, and he has a "higher power" in his life. RevCam notices Simon's cross, which Simon says Annie gave to him. It does look like women's jewelry, that's true. Weird how Simon didn't have his own cross, though. Actually, does anyone in this family wear cross jewelry at all? You'd think RevCam would have some kind of necklace, being a pastor and all, but I try to avert my eyes whenever he's on screen, so I wouldn't know. RevCam says the cross can remind Simon of the promises he made. Simon hugs RevCam. "Good night. God bless," Simon says, and leaves. RevCam shakes his head all, "How the hell did I, A PASTOR, manage to raise a God-fearing son?"
The CamFam take their seats for the wedding of two people they haven't seen in over a year. Kevin apologizes to Vic for leading him down the wrong, LEAP-OF-FAITH-free path, then asks if Vic was this nervous for his first wedding. Vic says he doesn't remember it. SamVid ask why. Vic says he wasn't "feeling well." SamVid ask if he was sick. Vic says he was, for "many, many years." I love how Vic has this really impatient tone when he talks to the twins. I missed Vic this season.
Ruthie walks in, wearing a long-sleeved shirt that's missing its bottom half. Peter stands up and says she looks nice. Ruthie asks Peter where his girlfriend is. Peter says the wedding was last-minute. Ruthie says that's the same reason why her boyfriend isn't around. Well, that and the fact that WHY WOULD YOU INVITE YOUR BOYFRIEND TO YOUR EX-BOYFRIEND'S PARENTS' SECOND WEDDING?! The doorbell rings, and Ruthie runs off to answer it. Vic loudly asks Peter what he's talking about with this girlfriend. Looks like Peter doesn't have a girlfriend after all! He lied to make Ruthie feel like crap. I love it.
Vincent's at the door, and he wants to go out with Ruthie, even though I thought she was grounded. Ruthie invites him to a wedding. I thought wedding guests were at the discretion of the people getting married, but apparently not. Ruthie introduces Vincent to everyone, and RevCam comes in, ready to start the ceremony.
The doorbell rings again, and RevCam runs off to answer it. It's Lynn and Russell, wearing a dorky blazer over his bright red mock turtleneck. It seems that, despite having all the free time that comes with not having to raise your own kids, Russell hasn't done any research on the latest fashions. Anyway, Lynn and Russell are coming over unannounced because they have some things to work out, and they need RevCam's wise counsel. "Are you busy?" Lynn asks him. That would have been a better question to ask, oh, say, over the phone when you called before showing up on someone's doorstep. RevCam says he actually is busy. Lynn and Russell don't really care, and tell RevCam how a nurse at the hospital is baby-sitting their daughters so they can have their first date and/or second counseling session. Man, they're imposing on everyone tonight! The hospital staff, the pastor, and, as they soon see, a wedding. Lynn suddenly realizes that RevCam is, just as he said, busy, and doesn't have time to counsel anyone. Of course, RevCam invites them to watch the wedding of two people they don't know who may or may not want them there, and they step inside.
RevCam introduces Russell and Lynn to everyone in the room, and I wait for him to say that it takes a real LEAP OF FAITH to be friends with black people. He's doesn't, though. Best Man Peter, Vic, and Paris stand before RevCam, and the rude guests proceed to talk amongst themselves. Ruthie and Vincent sort of make up, and Lucy admits that Kevin "did okay" as a stay-at-home dad. Kevin picks his arm up from around his wife and puts it on his own leg. They hate each other.
RevCam does his reverendly duties and makes a terrible speech about how life is full of choices, like right or wrong, or soup or salad. Everyone laughs, because solemn occasions like weddings are the perfect time to work on your stand-up routine. RevCam talks about TAKING RISKS and making LEAPS OF FAITH and how we should all take risks even though I thought we just learned that both Martin and Simon's risk-taking was a bad thing. As RevCam is telling Paris and Vic that their risk to "see each other again" is about to "pay off," a phone rings. Martin apologizes and runs out of the room to answer it. I know he's waiting for that call and it's really important and all that, but you'd think he would have just put the phone on vibrate so as not to be such a rude prick.
RevCam continues with the service, and is noticeably shocked to see that Vic's real name is George. That's not very professional, to not know the real name of the people you're marrying, and to make it so obvious that you didn't do any research ahead of time, but I guess it's what you get when you ask a guy who hates God to be your wedding minister, and hold the ceremony in his living room. Paris takes Vic to be her husband, and Vic takes Paris to be his wife. Peter smirks. RevCam says they're officially married again, and gives them permission to kiss. This is not too easily accomplished, as Paris is hugely pregnant. But they manage to work it out, because that is a RISK WORTH TAKING. Everyone claps except Russell and Lynn, who are like, "Why are we here? What is this?" As everyone congratulates the newlyweds, Martin runs in to piss on their moment by announcing that his dad is coming home. Marine Daddy is going to be really surprised when he sees how expensive coffee got. Everyone rushes to congratulate Martin, except for Lynn and Russell, who are still seated. I think Lynn was just convinced that moving the hell away from Glenoak is the right thing to do.
The Black Screen of Information tells us that you can contact St. Jude Children's Research Hospital by calling 1-800-785-5130 or going to their website. Then RevCam is back to make a special announcement about the hospital, telling us more about what they do to help kids with diseases. They cured sickle cell with a bone marrow transplant, which is pretty awesome. Your support will help them continue their research. "Please call and say you'll help," says RevCam, and that's probably the most convincing line delivery Stephen Collins has given in at least four seasons. He doesn't stutter and cry when he's talking like a real person, either. Anyway, props to 7th Heaven for spreading awareness, although I think we'd all be better served if they did it with a much better show, which probably wouldn't take a storyline about sickle cell disease and turn it into a bizarre tale of a father who abandons his children, then comes back and, after some initial resistance, is welcomed back with open arms.