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Ruthie's grounding is over, so that means it's time for her magical first date with Vincent! Stupidly, she shares this information with her crazy family, who plot and scheme to find a way to be involved with the date, or -- best case scenario -- watch it. Matt is home to do some med school studying at The Glenoak University of Contrivances, so he gets the privilege of driving/chaperoning Ruthie and Vincent around the Promenade. Because he's Matt, things get mixed up and eventually the entire CamPound, except for Ruthie, thinks that Vincent is going to stand Ruthie up and destroy her fragile ego. But then it turns out that Vincent's parents are letting him drive, so he picks Ruthie up and they leave. The CamRents get way too emotional about the whole thing. Kevin gets way too patriarchal. SamVid get way too SamVid.
Since no Camden movie date would be complete without stalking, every male cast member follows Ruthie and Vincent to the movies and sit a few rows behind them. This allows them to throw popcorn at the couple when they try to kiss. Then an usher kicks all the Camdens out of the theater, ha ha! It's about time the Promenade Movie Theater staff wised up to the Camdens' antics. So Ruthie manages to have a somewhat private date, and then she comes home and goes to her room for some slow-motion twirly celebration to the sounds of a one-hit wonder from the nineties. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
It's one of those rare occasions when we don't open on the CamPound. Instead, we're at the high school, where Ruthie finds Vincent by his locker. He asks if they're going out this weekend. Ruthie insists that Vincent ask her out the proper way, because she probably read that in Mary and Lucy's well-worn copy of The Rules. Vincent and his eye-liner ask out Ruthie and her eye-liner. Ruthie says she would love to go out with Vincent. He says that the only problem now is that his parents won't let him drive at night. Ruthie reminds him that she lives in a house "full of licensed drivers," all of whom would be more than happy to give up their Friday night to drive two kids around town. No, really. They would. You'll see. Because beggars can be choosers, Vincent asks if their personal chauffeur could not be her father. Ruthie agrees that RevCam driving them around wouldn't just be "embarrassing," it would be a "strong word for embarrassing" that she can't think of. How about "7th Heaven guest star"? Vincent says he'll talk to her later and leaves. Ruthie does a happy dance in the hallway. Vincent peeks out from around the corner and watches it. Honestly, if anyone should know better about not doing things that she doesn't want certain people to be able to see, it should be Ruthie Of The CamStalkers.
Today's Opening Credits Timewaster consists of the CamRents at the kitchen table, going about their menial everyday tasks. RevCam pays bills. Annie reads a magazine. Ruthie comes downstairs and takes a seat. She stares at her parents expectantly. "Okay, go ahead," Annie says to Ruthie once the credits are complete; "we've been waiting to have this conversation for two weeks." Exaggerate much, Annie? Sure, the opening credits are long and boring, but they hardly last two weeks! Ruthie begins by expositing that for the last two weeks, she has been very well-behaved, so she should now be able to date Vincent. Ruthie asks the CamRents if they like Vincent's parents, and they say do, especially since they started coming to church. I must non-sarcastically congratulate the writers for their good continuity here -- it makes perfect sense that the CamRents would consider the VinRents' two weeks of church attendance to level out their fourteen years of son-neglecting, when you consider SamVid.
Ruthie asks the CamRents if they like Vincent. RevCam grudgingly says he does. Tears pathetically welling up in her eyes, Annie says she does, too. Look out, everyone! It's Catherine Hicks's Emmy bid! Surely this will finally be her year. RevCam tells Ruthie that she's allowed to date Vincent, and warns her to leave the kitchen before Annie starts sobbing. Knowing what's good for her, Ruthie takes off. RevCam wonders if they should really let her date. Suddenly totally over her crying jag, Annie points out that Mary and Lucy were younger than Ruthie when they started dating. RevCam says he just wants to "buy some more time" before he lets Ruthie date. Annie tells him that while he can buy the Glenoak Police Department, he can't buy time. And even if he could, the CamPound needs that money for their half-pints of gourmet ice cream.
Annie stands up and leaves the kitchen for no apparent reason. Then Matt walks into the house carrying some luggage. RevCam stares at him, looking very sad. As would you be, if Matt ever walked into your home. Matt tells RevCam not to fear the worst; Matt's "marriage" is "fine," and he's only here in Glenoak for his "med school." Apparently, Matt's dean's colleague lives in Glenoak, and he specializes in a birthing technique that the dean said Matt should go check it out. I'm sure this has nothing to do with the dean hating Matt ever since Annie harassed him at home about Thanksgiving family emergencies. It's just too bad that Barry Watson's return to half of this season was such a surprise to the writers that they weren't able to think of a plausible excuse for him to be back in Glenoak so often. And how polite of Matt to let the CamRents know that he would be coming home and staying with them! Anyway, it turns out that RevCam doesn't care about Matt's medical school crap because Ruthie is going out on her first date. Matt says it's a good thing he's there in case RevCam's "heart gives out." Jokes like that aren't funny, Matt, when the person you're telling them to ACTUALLY HAS A SERIOUS HEART CONDITION. RevCam doesn't seem to mind, though, so maybe I'm wrong about this. So on that note, I hope any pregnant mothers who have suffered a prior miscarriage didn't laugh so hard at that heart joke that they had another one!
Matt asks his dad about Ruthie's date, and if the CamRents like him and his family. RevCam says they do. Matt asks if Ruthie has been doing well in school and helping around the house. RevCam says she has. Hey, remember when, IN THIS EXACT SAME SCENE, Ruthie and RevCam said basically the same thing? RevCam says there's no way to stop Ruthie from dating. RevCam is just a little too sad about his daughter dating other men. ["RevCam also seems to have undergone a mind-wipe of some kind. Peter? Hello?" -- Sars]
Ruthie does a drive-by reveal of her latest dating news at Lucy and Kevin's room. Kevin asks Lucy if he should have "the talk" with Ruthie. Actually, he doesn't ask so much as tell. Insistently. Lucy laughs and asks what makes Kevin qualified to do this. Screw qualified; how is this even appropriate? Kevin says he's qualified because he almost got a girl pregnant in high school. Wouldn't this make him LESS qualified? And anyway, Kevin points out that the CamRents obviously suck at giving sex talks, what with Simon having pre-marital sex and all. Lucy tells Kevin to stop overreacting, and that no one needs to give a talk. Kevin says that whoever talks to Ruthie should hold "the baby," who has a name, even though it's stupid. I do have to agree with Kevin on one point, that being that the CamRents aren't very good at the sex talk, as well as being a perfect example of why waiting for marriage to have sex would be a bad idea. After a while, you'll be so eager to have sex that you'll marry anything that so much as grimaces in your direction. Kevin says that Savannah is never going to date. Ever. Savannah tries to fake her own death so she can escape to a better family.
Martin and Mac enter the Treehouse. Mac asks Martin for suggestions on good places to go this Friday night to find hot chicks. Martin says he's actually going to be busy chaperoning Ruthie's date on Friday. Mac says he wants to go too, because then he'll look like a "sensitive older brother type" that chicks dig. Martin says Mac accompanying them wouldn't be a good idea because Ruthie wouldn't be comfortable having Mac there, since she used to have a crush on him. Martin, I think your soldier daddy would be very ashamed of you for going back on your word to RevCam to never tell Mac about this. Mac asks if Ruthie still has a crush on him. Martin tells him not to think about it. Mac does his best Owen Wilson impression as he thinks about it.
Matt walks into Ruthie's room and reports that the CamPound is now out of Kleenex. Oh, ew. Then he volunteers to drive Ruthie on her date. Martin comes in from spying behind Ruthie's bedroom door and says he can drive. Then, RevCam comes out from behind the rack of clothing he was spying on Ruthie from behind and also volunteers his driving services. God, these Camdens! It's like they appear from thin air, like ninjas! The most boring ninjas on this earth, but ninjas all the same. Ruthie says she wants Matt to drive, because RevCam is a stalker and Martin has a "bad reputation" with the VinRents because of the Zoe thing. So I guess when the VinRents said all that crap about not being involved with their child's life whatsoever, they really meant that they're so involved that they even know about the rumors going around his school about people their son doesn't really even know. The winner of a Very Lame Friday Night, Matt pumps his fists in triumph.
Annie and Lucy talk about dating. Lucy says it worked out well for her. Annie points out that Lucy is just out of college and already saddled with a husband and a kid. And living with her parents, although Annie doesn't point that one out. "What's wrong with that?" Lucy asks, beginning to get offended. Annie says there's nothing wrong with that, except that she was hoping that her daughters would spend some time working and being single and independent before they got married. Yeah, SURE she did. Speaking to Lucy the way my grandmother speaks to me when she forgets that I am twenty-three and not five, Annie tells Lucy that her choices were fine for her. Lucy points out that they were fine for Annie too, considering how she also married and started a family young. She asks Annie if she has any regrets about that. I can think of at least seven, and all of them are named after people in the Bible. Annie says she has no regrets. Lucy says it sounds like she does. Annie again says she has no regrets. Lucy says she was just asking. Annie says she wasn't trying to say anything about Lucy and her "choices." Lucy glares at Annie, and the scene ends on that less-than-conciliatory note, so we'll just have to imagine that they made up right after this, because the time we see them, they're the bestest of friends again. It sure does suck to be Lucy, though; after all that work she did to emulate both of her parents to win their love and attention, she just got told that even that isn't good enough.
SamVid hold a summit in which they decide that Ruthie will get married soon. Oh, how postmodernist of 7th Heaven to have its two slowest characters comment on the predictability of the show during the show! SamVid agree that they'll miss Ruthie when she gets married and moves out. Who said she would move out? Then they go to spy on her.
Ruthie picks up the ringing Lame Clear Phone. It's Vincent. Ruthie tells him that her brother will be driving them around, and not to worry because he's been away from the CamPound the longest (except for Mary), and therefore is the "least crazy" person in her family (except for Mary, and just about everyone else with the possible exception of Annie). Although when you're talking about units of crazy measurement that huge, does it really matter? Vincent suggests a movie and dinner. Ruthie insists on paying for half the date, saying she doesn't like "dating rituals." Vincent says his parents are all excited. Vincent asks if he can kiss her again. Ruthie asks him why he's asking her about kissing all of the sudden. This thrills SamVid, who have appeared out of nowhere and were listening to her conversation. Even the Slow Ones know the Stealth Ways of the Ninja.
And here's a scene where the same thing happens four times. SamVid run downstairs and find Kevin in the hallway. He asks them what they're so excited about. "Ruthie and Vincent! Talking on the phone!" says Sam. "Yeah, about kissing!" adds Vid. RevCam appears. "Ruthie and Vincent!" Sam tells him. "Talking about kissing!" says Vid. Martin appears and gives his unsolicited opinion that Ruthie and Vincent shouldn't even be thinking about kissing on their first date. Matt appears and asks who is thinking about kissing. "Ruthie!" says Sam. "And Vincent!" says Vid. Matt frowns, and everyone heads for Ruthie's room.
Ruthie says goodbye to Vincent, only to find every male member of her household standing between her and the door. Creepy! Kevin says they're going to have a talk before Ruthie goes on any dates. RevCam says he doesn't like Vincent anymore. Ruthie asks what has changed since this morning. I'd like to know that too, since Ruthie told RevCam that she and Vincent kissed last episode and I don't see how her kissing him again is suddenly wrong and bad. Ruthie glares at SamVid, who protest that they learned how to spy from watching Ruthie. Ruthie says nothing to that, because her mouth is full from tasting her own medicine. Matt says he intends to watch Ruthie and Vincent "like a hawk." A big, creepy, hawk. With greasy feathers.
When we return from the commercial break, the six men have been replaced by two women. Annie and Lucy want to know what Ruthie is going to wear on her big date. Ruthie says she'll be wearing what she is right now. The camera pans down on Ruthie's outfit as the guitar and piano combine to play three "dun dun dunnnnnn" chords of Impending Doom. I think they're being a little harsh here. Ruthie's yellow print cardigan, stupid winter boots, and what appear to be black stretch pants aren't the most flattering thing in the world, but it's not like anything anybody on this show wears ever is. Lucy wonders if perhaps Ruthie might want to wear something "special" as Annie runs over to Ruthie's closet and pulls out some of Ruthie's "pretty skirts." Ruthie says she wears those skirts to church and she wants to be comfortable. Lucy pulls an ugly-ass peach-colored sweater hoodie thing out of the closet and says Ruthie should wear it. Annie comes forward with a plain white T-shirt and a skirt that looks like it was stolen from the Little House on the Prairie wardrobe department. Ruthie tells them to butt out of her date and stop trying to make it a bigger deal than it actually is. Annie and Lucy stare at Ruthie blankly, then return to the closet. Ruthie runs away. Wise decision, kid: never take fashion advice from a woman who wears sailor tops and a girl who can't keep her pants up.
Unfortunately for Ruthie, her night is only going to get worse. She runs into Matt, who says he'll have the car washed and ready for the date. He insists on picking up Vincent and driving him to the CamPound so that Vincent can come to the CamPound door and walk Ruthie to the car and whatever else fifties dating etiquette says men are supposed to do on dates. Ruthie says she'll tell Vincent that Matt will be coming to his house, but says he doesn't need to wash the car or fill it with gas. Matt says he's going to get it detailed, and runs off.
Kevin walks up and asks what's going on. Ruthie says everyone is making a big deal about her date and she hates it. She doesn't understand what the fuss is about, especially since she has been out to pizza and movies with guys before. Kevin says that this is "different" than it was when Ruthie and Peter were together, because they always had a chaperone. That's not true, unless by "a chaperone" Kevin actually means "the sense that Peter wasn't that into girls anyway." Kevin tells Ruthie that she is not to make out with Vincent at the movies, because that can lead to "other things." Kevin says that he knows, as a former teenage boy and current cop, not to trust teenage boys. Ruthie sarcastically thanks Kevin for the talk, wondering if the reason why he's so worried if because Ruthie has the "same genetic makeup as Lucy, the Make-Out Queen." If that's the case, then I don't think Kevin has much to be afraid of, seeing as Ruthie and Lucy share approximately zero genes. Kevin says it's okay that he and Lucy made out on their first date because they were both over eighteen and in love. Ruthie just looks at the poor innocent man who wasn't aware of what a PG-rated slut his wife used to be.
Ruthie just can't escape her horrible family, so when she runs into the kitchen, she finds RevCam. I think he might have just spent some time in the backyard smoking something, because his eyes are half-closed as he slowly says, "Hey…big night, huh?" Ruthie says it isn't a big night, and she needs to call Vincent. RevCam hands her the phone, asking if she wants privacy. Ruthie asks why she should change things now. Not getting the hint, RevCam stands there and listens as Ruthie leaves a message on Vincent's machine about Matt picking him up at his house. She hangs up and begs her father not to interrogate Vincent when he arrives. "Of course not," says RevCam. Ruthie asks for a written guarantee. Smart girl.
Mac enters the Treehouse without knocking and proceeds to make fun of Martin for doing his homework on a Friday night. Seriously. Mac says Martin won't have time to do his homework anyway, since they'll be "following" Ruthie on her date. Martin is interested in this, and they make a plan to just happen to be at the Promenade when Ruthie and Vincent are, and go to the same exact places that Ruthie and Vincent go. This won't look suspicious since there only are two hang out places on the 'Nade. That's what the cool kids call it -- the 'Nade. Notice how no one on this show ever calls it that. Mac says it's important that they don't upset Ruthie just in case she ever wants to date him. Like, in college. Hopefully Ruthie won't look like a ten-year-old by then. Martin tells Mac that he isn't good enough for Ruthie. Mac asks if this has anything to do with Martin being interested in Ruthie. Martin says no, because Ruthie is like a sister to him. "You can't date your sister," he finishes. Apparently, he hasn't been paying attention to anything since he started living with the Camdens. Mac says that Ruthie will grow up sooner or later.
SamVid decide to accompany Ruthie on her date. "We should put our clothes back on," says Sam. I'm just going to leave that one right there, and move on.
Ruthie returns to her bedroom to find Lucy and Annie and the date outfits they've put together for her. Annie begs to be part of Ruthie's first date. Pathetic. Lucy reminisces about her first date with the inanimate Jimmy Moon, which took place in the CamDen. Ruthie asks if they made out. Lucy says they kissed. Ruthie requests Lucy's kissing history. Lucy begins to rattle off the names, including editorial comments on their kissing abilities, until Annie says she's not comfortable with this conversation. Then LEAVE. Instead, Ruthie asks Annie about her first date. Annie says it was with "Jack." Oh, and he had two best friends named "Sam" and "Al," both of whom also wanted to date her. The three friends fought over her and it ended their friendship. Okay, so Annie's lying. Hopefully, she won't continue this charade with a ménage a quatre story no one wants to hear. She tells Ruthie that she doesn't need to make out on her first date. Ruthie reminds her that she has already kissed Vincent once. Always left out of the Camden gossip loop because no one wants to talk to her, Lucy didn't know about this, and wants to hear more. Ruthie says she "liked it." "Sometimes when a girl likes a boy," Annie begins, and Ruthie says this is not the time for an awkward sex talk, especially after the one she got from Kevin. Annie shoots Lucy a horrified glare and asks why Kevin would do that. Lucy tattles that Kevin wasn't too thrilled with RevCam and Annie's make-out talk abilities.
Of course, RevCam and Kevin enter at this point, having heard the last part of Lucy's conversation. Kevin tells "Miss Make-Out Queen" that their daughter is calling her. Lucy gives Ruthie a funny "why did you tell him that?" look. Ruthie says she was only talking about Lucy and Kevin. Lucy's all, "Oh, yeah. That," and then runs out of the room. On her way out, she gets a stern lecture from Kevin for telling young Ruthie "every detail of our courtship." Whatever you say, Mr. Darcy. RevCam asks Ruthie if she's ready. SamVid run in, dressed in suits, and declare that they're ready. Annie is confused, because last time she checked, they were wearing pajamas and, like most of us, Annie doesn't have much confidence in the twins' abilities to dress themselves. Ruthie tells SamVid that they can't come on her date. Annie reinforces this point. RevCam supports his wife's rulings by saying that he doesn't see any reason why SamVid can't go out with Ruthie and Vincent.
Matt rings Vincent's doorbell. There is no answer. Matt knocks. There is no answer. Matt yells. There is an answer, from a weird man hanging out by some garbage cans. He says the Vincent family isn't home and that they've been gone for hours.
RevCam, Annie, Happy, SamVid, Kevin, Lucy, and Savannah (albeit against her will and better judgment) have assembled in the CamDen. Ruthie comes downstairs wearing her Annie and Lucy-approved new date outfit. It's a nice sweater and a black skirt, but she's also got some horrible choker-necklace deal going on that ruins it for me. Nevertheless, everyone says Ruthie looks great. Ruthie begs them to stop making a big deal out of this and to leave the room. A flash goes off in her face. It's from Kevin's camera, which looks like a modern job, even though it when it took the picture it made the sound that cameras from, like, the beginning of the last century did. Great job, sound effects team. Kevin apologizes, saying he didn't mean to take the picture. RevCam's eyes moisten. Ruthie tells her father to stop getting emotional (seriously) and begs everyone to leave the room. Eventually, they all do, except for SamVid, who insist on going with Ruthie on her date. Ruthie says they are not. SamVid say they put on ties and everything. That's right -- the kids who couldn't even understand the melting properties of ice cream sandwiches last week are able to do Windsor knots this week. Ruthie says she appreciates their effort, but it's wasted because they aren't going anywhere. SamVid announce that they don't like the idea of Ruthie kissing Vincent. Ruthie tells them to "scoot." They walk to the staircase and sit down, staring at Ruthie.
Matt asks the weird guy by the garbage cans where Vincent is, expositing that he's supposed to be here so Matt can pick him up for his date. Weird guy, who I'm pretty sure is wearing RevCam's grandpa cardigan, suddenly knows all about this, because I guess Vincent talks to him all the time. Kind of like how the Taylors used to talk to Wilson on Home Improvement, but even more annoying and contrived, if this is even possible. Weird guy also knows all about Ruthie's family, and introduces himself as "Irving Peele, your pharmacist!" I wonder if he's related to Julie McCoy, your cruise director? Irving says that Vincent probably got scared of the date and ran away. Matt says he'll wait for him to come back, all night if need be. Then he has a genius idea -- he has Irving call the CamRents so that if Ruthie answers the phone, she won't suspect that something has gone wrong because she won't know that Matt is on the other end. Irving is all too happy to oblige, but he does score points with me for saying "not yet" when Matt claims that he is a doctor. RevCam answers the phone and Irving's all "oh, hello, can I speak to Dad?" Judging by how pushy and nosy this guy is, he may very well be RevCam's long-lost son. Matt grabs the phone and tells RevCam that the Vincent family has disappeared. Mac and Martin enter the house and overhear RevCam's conversation. Matt says he'll try to find out more and call RevCam back. They hang up, and Matt asks Irving what he knows about Vincent. Suddenly unwilling to share people's personal information, Irving shrugs.
RevCam calls Annie, Martin, and Mac outside to discuss the Vincent Situation. As they walk out, Ruthie walks in. The phone rings, and she answers it. But it's not Irving, it's Vincent, and he has some great news! It turns out he has been at the car insurance agent with his parents all this time, trying to get the paperwork sorted out so that he could drive Ruthie on their date. This doesn't make any sense for two reasons: first, Vincent said he had been driving for the last six months, he just hadn't been driving at night. So shouldn't his insurance already be all set? Second, I don't know any insurance agent that's open at freaking seven-thirty on a Friday night. Anyway, Vincent says he'll be over to pick Ruthie up soon. So soon, in fact, that he's going to bring his parents to the CamPound with him and then drop them off on the way to the Promenade. Ruthie hangs up, and the phone immediately rings again. It's Matt, and he wasn't expecting Ruthie to answer the phone. So he makes up a really crappy excuse about Vincent not being able to go out tonight because his dad had to go to the hospital. Matt says he's going to check it out, and hangs up.
RevCam and Annie enter the house, and Ruthie asks them what's going on. They shrug and find excuses to leave. Ruthie rolls her eyes.
Having moved faster than we've ever actually seen her move, Annie is already upstairs telling Kevin and Lucy about how Ruthie is getting stood up. Kevin threatens to beat Vincent up. Lucy says they need to think of a way to keep Ruthie from finding out about this and having bad first date memories. SamVid walk up and ask what's going on.
Mac enters the kitchen and offers Ruthie some water. She accepts, and he pours it all seductively, just like Ruthie did that time she had a crush on Mac. What I don't understand is why the CamRents have a pitcher of water in their fridge for drinking what you can plainly see the ice and water dispenser on the fridge door. Mac and his three-quarter-length sleeve sweatshirt says that if Vincent doesn't show up, he'd be happy to spend Friday with Ruthie. Ruthie asks Mac what he's talking about. Mac says that, in high school, there's a big difference between being fifteen and seventeen. Wait, Ruthie's FIFTEEN? Holy crap! She looks, like, eight. I should be the last person to pick on someone for being a late bloomer, having been that myself, but damn! Also, I don't understand how a seventeen year-old dating a fifteen year-old is such a big deal, but sixteen-and-a-half-year-old Vincent dating a fifteen year-old isn't. Anyway, Mac says that he would date her if he weren't so old. Sherlock Ruthie deduces that Martin told Mac that she had a crush on him. She runs to the back door and opens it to reveal Martin trying to look like he wasn't just listening to Ruthie and Mac's conversation. Mackenzie Rosman attempts to act angry.
Upstairs, the CamConference has decided that this whole thing is RevCam's fault, because he let Ruthie go out on a date with a guy whose parents don't know anything about parenting. Oh, so NOW they find that objectionable. Ruthie enters and asks what's going on. I think there might be a drinking game in how many times this show has someone walk into an existing scene and ask for a recap of everything that just happened. SamVid announce that Ruthie is being stood up. Ruthie says that Matt told her that Vincent's father was having a medical problem. Lucy tells RevCam, Kevin, and SamVid to go check on Savannah. What did Savannah do to deserve that? The four guys leave. Annie and Lucy begin the consoling girl talk portion of the evening by saying that sometimes, guys get nervous about big plans and stand girls up. Doesn't Ruthie have, like, girlfriends to discuss these things with? Annie says that Lucy used to get stood up "all the time!" Lucy's like, "Well…not…all the time." Ha! I didn't think Annie could crush Lucy's self-esteem any more after saying that she was dependent and weak, but she did! Ruthie says she's going to wait for Vincent downstairs. In fact, she's going to wait for Vincent tonight, tomorrow, and for years and years until he comes over and she has her first "real" date. Ruthie departs, leaving Annie and Lucy looking very sad. I used to hate it when Ruthie played manipulating mind games with her family, but now I respect and admire her for it.
Doorbell! It's Vincent. Ruthie answers the door as the entire CamFam runs down the stairs like a bunch of losers. Even Martin and Mac run in from the kitchen. Ruthie gives them all a "told you so," and tells Vincent how Matt is at Vincent's house right now, thinking that Vincent is standing Ruthie up. The phone rings, and Martin leaves to answer it. Vincent tells the CamFam that he was getting his insurance stuff taken care of, and now he's going to drop his parents off at the home and go to the Promenade. Kevin does not like this. Martin walks in with the phone. He gives it to Ruthie. It's Matt, and he's continuing to lie about Vincent's dad's health problems. Apparently, he now has appendicitis and is going to need surgery. Ruthie says that she'll have RevCam drive her to the hospital so she can comfort Vincent. Then she hangs up, leaving Matt to freak out in the driveway.
All the CamMen declare their disapproval for Vincent driving Ruthie to their date. Annie and Lucy have no problem with it, however. Vincent says he got an A in driver's ed the third time he took it. Well, if he's taken driver's ed three times now, how old is he? My driver's ed class took half a year, so doesn't this make Vincent at least seventeen? Annie dismisses the couple. They leave, and Annie and Lucy exchange twin sighs. The men stare at the women expectantly until Annie gives them her blessing to stalk Ruthie. They all run out to do that. How sad.
Matt's still in Vincent's driveway. Finally, Vincent's SUV pulls in. I was hoping it would run Matt over, or at least Your Pharmacist, Irving, but it does not. Matt is shocked to see Ruthie sitting in the passenger seat of the car. Vincent's crappy parents exit the vehicle and ask Matt what he's doing at their house. Matt starts babbling on about appendicitis, so the VinRents dismiss him, saying his services are no longer needed. I think the VinRents are robots. Ruthie thanks Matt for lying to her. Matt suggests that the couple walk to the Promenade. "Maybe not!" says Ruthie as she closes the car window in Matt's face. Vincent backs out over the mailbox. Instead of getting out of the car to check out the damage, he simply drives away. His parents don't really seem to care. That's one of the benefits of having parents who don't parent.
Annie and Lucy aren't so happy about Ruthie's date anymore. Lucy wonders if it would have been better for Ruthie to have gone on a group date, but Annie says she doesn't understand that concept. I bet she understood it when Jack, Sam, and Al were fighting over her. Lucy agrees that group dates are too casual. Annie says she likes the old-fashioned way. Savannah speaks for the viewers, who don't understand why so much screen time was devoted to a subject as trivial as Brenda's opinions on teenage group dates, with a burp.
Ruthie and Vincent appear to be watching some stupid cartoon. "Should I kiss you?" Vincent asks Ruthie. When I was Ruthie's age, my best friend dated a guy who said that EXACT SAME THING to her. And then it turned out that he was gay. I'm just saying. Ruthie agrees to the kiss, but suggests they make it quick. So they kiss. They are then showered with popcorn, which we see is coming from a few rows back, where the patriarchy has established itself. At first, the other movie patrons, who are also being hit with popcorn, seem to mind, but after a few seconds, they go back to smiling and watching the movie. Why must everyone in this town bow to the Camdens? I would have had quite a few things to say if I were in that theater, and none of them would be appropriate for this television show. Or any television show, even before that FCC obscenity crackdown I keep hearing so much about. As the CamMen waste their five-dollar buckets of popcorn, they comment on their seats. Martin says he can see Vincent and Ruthie very well from his, to which Kevin says he'd like to switch seats with him. Ew. RevCam says he wants to move up a few rows. Ew again. Finally, the popcorn siege is ended when an usher walks up and tells them all to leave. On his way out, Kevin says he's a police officer. "Then you should know better," says the usher. And Kevin? You may want to check on your job status: I have a feeling that even the Glenoak Police Department doesn't take too kindly to its officers taking off an indeterminate amount of time for paternity leave. Ruthie waves goodbye to the men with a big old smirk on her face, then turns and leans her head on Vincent's shoulder.
Ruthie turns the front porch light off for her good-night kiss with Vincent because, as I'm sure she's learned from that time she saw her parents have sex, lights off is the way. Finally, Ruthie enters the house. Matt is waiting for her and he says that she is "way too interested in kissing." Yeah, and he's way too interested in her being way too interested in kissing. Ruthie says she can't help liking to kiss because she's a Camden. This does lend credence to the nurture versus nature argument. Ruthie says she had a great time and might be seeing Vincent again. Matt says that dating stinks and he's glad he's married. Yeah, sure. I hope you've got plenty of Kleenex in your NYC apartment, Dopey.
Annie and RevCam are in bed. Ruthie comes in and says good night. She says she had a "pretty good" time.
Ruthie enters her room and turns on her radio. Everyone flash back to Dawson's Creek as freaking Sixpence None the Richer come on with their smash hit from 1998, "Kiss Me." I think I was Ruthie's age when this song came out; I guess this show will use any semi-popular semi-Christian music it can gets its hands on. Expect to hear some hot tracks from Jars of Clay soon! Ruthie starts to remove her clothes as the music plays, then starts twirling around in slow motion. I think she might be stripping for us. Or for Your Pharmacist Irving, who is probably watching this from his vantage point of behind the Camden's garbage cans.
Downstairs, RevCam and Annie are listening to Ruthie's music. RevCam recognizes the song, since it's like fifty years old, and starts to sing along. I actually uttered an audible cry of disgust and pain when he did this. I made another one when he got to the part about the "milky twilight." RevCam thanks God for giving Ruthie a good time on her date. Except that I thought he didn't want Ruthie to have a good time. Or maybe he's just grateful because the better a time Ruthie has on her dates with men, the less likely he thinks she is to become an evil homosexual.
Back in the slow motion attic, Ruthie lies on her bed and thanks God for her date. God contacts his lawyers about the possibility of filing a libel suit against these people who keep accusing him of things he had nothing to do with. The Lame Clear Phone rings. Ruthie giggles as she answers it. One of her hands is on the phone receiver. The other is…uh…pretty close to down there. I guess that's what you have to do when your father has doomed you to be an eighty-year-old virgin.