It's one of those rare occasions when we don't open on the CamPound. Instead, we're at the high school, where Ruthie finds Vincent by his locker. He asks if they're going out this weekend. Ruthie insists that Vincent ask her out the proper way, because she probably read that in Mary and Lucy's well-worn copy of The Rules. Vincent and his eye-liner ask out Ruthie and her eye-liner. Ruthie says she would love to go out with Vincent. He says that the only problem now is that his parents won't let him drive at night. Ruthie reminds him that she lives in a house "full of licensed drivers," all of whom would be more than happy to give up their Friday night to drive two kids around town. No, really. They would. You'll see. Because beggars can be choosers, Vincent asks if their personal chauffeur could not be her father. Ruthie agrees that RevCam driving them around wouldn't just be "embarrassing," it would be a "strong word for embarrassing" that she can't think of. How about "7th Heaven guest star"? Vincent says he'll talk to her later and leaves. Ruthie does a happy dance in the hallway. Vincent peeks out from around the corner and watches it. Honestly, if anyone should know better about not doing things that she doesn't want certain people to be able to see, it should be Ruthie Of The CamStalkers.
Today's Opening Credits Timewaster consists of the CamRents at the kitchen table, going about their menial everyday tasks. RevCam pays bills. Annie reads a magazine. Ruthie comes downstairs and takes a seat. She stares at her parents expectantly. "Okay, go ahead," Annie says to Ruthie once the credits are complete; "we've been waiting to have this conversation for two weeks." Exaggerate much, Annie? Sure, the opening credits are long and boring, but they hardly last two weeks! Ruthie begins by expositing that for the last two weeks, she has been very well-behaved, so she should now be able to date Vincent. Ruthie asks the CamRents if they like Vincent's parents, and they say do, especially since they started coming to church. I must non-sarcastically congratulate the writers for their good continuity here -- it makes perfect sense that the CamRents would consider the VinRents' two weeks of church attendance to level out their fourteen years of son-neglecting, when you consider SamVid.
Ruthie asks the CamRents if they like Vincent. RevCam grudgingly says he does. Tears pathetically welling up in her eyes, Annie says she does, too. Look out, everyone! It's Catherine Hicks's Emmy bid! Surely this will finally be her year. RevCam tells Ruthie that she's allowed to date Vincent, and warns her to leave the kitchen before Annie starts sobbing. Knowing what's good for her, Ruthie takes off. RevCam wonders if they should really let her date. Suddenly totally over her crying jag, Annie points out that Mary and Lucy were younger than Ruthie when they started dating. RevCam says he just wants to "buy some more time" before he lets Ruthie date. Annie tells him that while he can buy the Glenoak Police Department, he can't buy time. And even if he could, the CamPound needs that money for their half-pints of gourmet ice cream.
“ Kevin says that Savannah is never going to date. Ever. Savannah tries to fake her own death so she can escape to a better family. ”
Annie stands up and leaves the kitchen for no apparent reason. Then Matt walks into the house carrying some luggage. RevCam stares at him, looking very sad. As would you be, if Matt ever walked into your home. Matt tells RevCam not to fear the worst; Matt's "marriage" is "fine," and he's only here in Glenoak for his "med school." Apparently, Matt's dean's colleague lives in Glenoak, and he specializes in a birthing technique that the dean said Matt should go check it out. I'm sure this has nothing to do with the dean hating Matt ever since Annie harassed him at home about Thanksgiving family emergencies. It's just too bad that Barry Watson's return to half of this season was such a surprise to the writers that they weren't able to think of a plausible excuse for him to be back in Glenoak so often. And how polite of Matt to let the CamRents know that he would be coming home and staying with them! Anyway, it turns out that RevCam doesn't care about Matt's medical school crap because Ruthie is going out on her first date. Matt says it's a good thing he's there in case RevCam's "heart gives out." Jokes like that aren't funny, Matt, when the person you're telling them to ACTUALLY HAS A SERIOUS HEART CONDITION. RevCam doesn't seem to mind, though, so maybe I'm wrong about this. So on that note, I hope any pregnant mothers who have suffered a prior miscarriage didn't laugh so hard at that heart joke that they had another one!
Matt asks his dad about Ruthie's date, and if the CamRents like him and his family. RevCam says they do. Matt asks if Ruthie has been doing well in school and helping around the house. RevCam says she has. Hey, remember when, IN THIS EXACT SAME SCENE, Ruthie and RevCam said basically the same thing? RevCam says there's no way to stop Ruthie from dating. RevCam is just a little too sad about his daughter dating other men. ["RevCam also seems to have undergone a mind-wipe of some kind. Peter? Hello?" -- Sars]
Ruthie does a drive-by reveal of her latest dating news at Lucy and Kevin's room. Kevin asks Lucy if he should have "the talk" with Ruthie. Actually, he doesn't ask so much as tell. Insistently. Lucy laughs and asks what makes Kevin qualified to do this. Screw qualified; how is this even appropriate? Kevin says he's qualified because he almost got a girl pregnant in high school. Wouldn't this make him LESS qualified? And anyway, Kevin points out that the CamRents obviously suck at giving sex talks, what with Simon having pre-marital sex and all. Lucy tells Kevin to stop overreacting, and that no one needs to give a talk. Kevin says that whoever talks to Ruthie should hold "the baby," who has a name, even though it's stupid. I do have to agree with Kevin on one point, that being that the CamRents aren't very good at the sex talk, as well as being a perfect example of why waiting for marriage to have sex would be a bad idea. After a while, you'll be so eager to have sex that you'll marry anything that so much as grimaces in your direction. Kevin says that Savannah is never going to date. Ever. Savannah tries to fake her own death so she can escape to a better family.
“ At first, the other movie patrons, who are also being hit with popcorn, seem to mind, but after a few seconds, they go back to smiling and watching the movie. Why must everyone in this town bow to the Camdens? I would have had quite a few things to say if I were in that theater, and none of them would be appropriate for this television show. ”
All the CamMen declare their disapproval for Vincent driving Ruthie to their date. Annie and Lucy have no problem with it, however. Vincent says he got an A in driver's ed the third time he took it. Well, if he's taken driver's ed three times now, how old is he? My driver's ed class took half a year, so doesn't this make Vincent at least seventeen? Annie dismisses the couple. They leave, and Annie and Lucy exchange twin sighs. The men stare at the women expectantly until Annie gives them her blessing to stalk Ruthie. They all run out to do that. How sad.
Matt's still in Vincent's driveway. Finally, Vincent's SUV pulls in. I was hoping it would run Matt over, or at least Your Pharmacist, Irving, but it does not. Matt is shocked to see Ruthie sitting in the passenger seat of the car. Vincent's crappy parents exit the vehicle and ask Matt what he's doing at their house. Matt starts babbling on about appendicitis, so the VinRents dismiss him, saying his services are no longer needed. I think the VinRents are robots. Ruthie thanks Matt for lying to her. Matt suggests that the couple walk to the Promenade. "Maybe not!" says Ruthie as she closes the car window in Matt's face. Vincent backs out over the mailbox. Instead of getting out of the car to check out the damage, he simply drives away. His parents don't really seem to care. That's one of the benefits of having parents who don't parent.
Annie and Lucy aren't so happy about Ruthie's date anymore. Lucy wonders if it would have been better for Ruthie to have gone on a group date, but Annie says she doesn't understand that concept. I bet she understood it when Jack, Sam, and Al were fighting over her. Lucy agrees that group dates are too casual. Annie says she likes the old-fashioned way. Savannah speaks for the viewers, who don't understand why so much screen time was devoted to a subject as trivial as Brenda's opinions on teenage group dates, with a burp.
Ruthie and Vincent appear to be watching some stupid cartoon. "Should I kiss you?" Vincent asks Ruthie. When I was Ruthie's age, my best friend dated a guy who said that EXACT SAME THING to her. And then it turned out that he was gay. I'm just saying. Ruthie agrees to the kiss, but suggests they make it quick. So they kiss. They are then showered with popcorn, which we see is coming from a few rows back, where the patriarchy has established itself. At first, the other movie patrons, who are also being hit with popcorn, seem to mind, but after a few seconds, they go back to smiling and watching the movie. Why must everyone in this town bow to the Camdens? I would have had quite a few things to say if I were in that theater, and none of them would be appropriate for this television show. Or any television show, even before that FCC obscenity crackdown I keep hearing so much about. As the CamMen waste their five-dollar buckets of popcorn, they comment on their seats. Martin says he can see Vincent and Ruthie very well from his, to which Kevin says he'd like to switch seats with him. Ew. RevCam says he wants to move up a few rows. Ew again. Finally, the popcorn siege is ended when an usher walks up and tells them all to leave. On his way out, Kevin says he's a police officer. "Then you should know better," says the usher. And Kevin? You may want to check on your job status: I have a feeling that even the Glenoak Police Department doesn't take too kindly to its officers taking off an indeterminate amount of time for paternity leave. Ruthie waves goodbye to the men with a big old smirk on her face, then turns and leans her head on Vincent's shoulder.
“ Ruthie says she can't help liking to kiss because she's a Camden. This does lend credence to the nurture versus nature argument. ”
Ruthie turns the front porch light off for her good-night kiss with Vincent because, as I'm sure she's learned from that time she saw her parents have sex, lights off is the way. Finally, Ruthie enters the house. Matt is waiting for her and he says that she is "way too interested in kissing." Yeah, and he's way too interested in her being way too interested in kissing. Ruthie says she can't help liking to kiss because she's a Camden. This does lend credence to the nurture versus nature argument. Ruthie says she had a great time and might be seeing Vincent again. Matt says that dating stinks and he's glad he's married. Yeah, sure. I hope you've got plenty of Kleenex in your NYC apartment, Dopey.
Annie and RevCam are in bed. Ruthie comes in and says good night. She says she had a "pretty good" time.
Ruthie enters her room and turns on her radio. Everyone flash back to Dawson's Creek as freaking Sixpence None the Richer come on with their smash hit from 1998, "Kiss Me." I think I was Ruthie's age when this song came out; I guess this show will use any semi-popular semi-Christian music it can gets its hands on. Expect to hear some hot tracks from Jars of Clay soon! Ruthie starts to remove her clothes as the music plays, then starts twirling around in slow motion. I think she might be stripping for us. Or for Your Pharmacist Irving, who is probably watching this from his vantage point of behind the Camden's garbage cans.
Downstairs, RevCam and Annie are listening to Ruthie's music. RevCam recognizes the song, since it's like fifty years old, and starts to sing along. I actually uttered an audible cry of disgust and pain when he did this. I made another one when he got to the part about the "milky twilight." RevCam thanks God for giving Ruthie a good time on her date. Except that I thought he didn't want Ruthie to have a good time. Or maybe he's just grateful because the better a time Ruthie has on her dates with men, the less likely he thinks she is to become an evil homosexual.
Back in the slow motion attic, Ruthie lies on her bed and thanks God for her date. God contacts his lawyers about the possibility of filing a libel suit against these people who keep accusing him of things he had nothing to do with. The Lame Clear Phone rings. Ruthie giggles as she answers it. One of her hands is on the phone receiver. The other isuhpretty close to down there. I guess that's what you have to do when your father has doomed you to be an eighty-year-old virgin.