So. Here we are. It's time for the special Valentine's Day 7th Heaven Musical Extravaganza or whatever the WB is hyping this episode as. Not wanting to suffer alone, and knowing very little about music and musicals, I had Pamie and Djb check this episode out and give me their opinions. Unfortunately, the horribleness of it rendered them incapable of speech. Then one of Pam's cats threw up. True story.
It's morning in the CamPound, and the Violins and Harps of This Is A Musical Episode, Sort Of, play us into the CamBoudoir, where Annie is sleeping and RevCam is gathering up the laundry. He throws together a load of whites, but in his zest to be quiet and not awaken the sleeping dragon, he puts a pair of red socks in there, too. I'm sad to report that THIS WILL BE IMPORTANT LATER. In fact, it will be the A-plot of this episode.
RevCam makes his way downstairs, humming a tune as he puts the laundry in the washing machine without even checking to make sure that it's all whites. I mean, if you can't see a pair of BRIGHT RED SOCKS in the middle of whatever beige crap the Camdens normally wear, you should probably not be doing laundry. Anyway, the twins come downstairs and start to raid the fridge and cabinets. Having started up the amazingly quiet washing machine, RevCam returns to the kitchen, where the twins tell him to quit humming because they'll wake Annie up, and they're supposed to be making her a surprise pancake breakfast in bed. Ew. The day I make breakfast in bed for someone else on my birthday is the day I have been sold into white slavery. The twins ask if perhaps they might be able to partake of the pancake breakfast, and RevCam generously says that they can make enough pancakes for everyone, and they might even be accompanied by "some nice fatty bacon." Ruthie enters and angrily snarls at her father that his heart problems were caused by him having too much bacon in the first place, so why the hell is he having some now? RevCam says today is a special day, as if just because it's Valentine's Day, his body is immortal. RevCam adds that the dry toast he usually eats for breakfast doesn't seem romantic. "And bacon is?" says Ruthie. Whatever, Ruthie. I plan to marry bacon just as soon as those gays get the right to marry and then the entire institution of marriage is totally destroyed. Because it tastes good. Also, if RevCam wants to be so selfish as to eat dangerous foods such as bacon and clarified butter, caring more about his taste buds than the young children he'll be leaving behind, then I think he should be allowed to go right on ahead.
RevCam tells Ruthie that she sure isn't acting like today is Valentine's Day, what with her totally unromantic lecturing of her father. I'm confused, because this show is usually trying to tell me that nagging and lecturing loved ones is a sign of a functional and loving family unit, right? Ruthie says whatever, and SamVid shush her. Ruthie tells the twins they can drop the whole not wanting to wake up Annie thing, because she's already awake. Then she wishes them an insincere "happy birthday," and says her present to them is that she will clean their room for a week. The twins act way too excited about this crappy present that Ruthie obviously just made up because she forget to get them anything.
“ Who knows what could result from the unsupervised combination of a man who can't see red socks and boys who eat ice cream sandwich wrappers. ”
Annie bounds downstairs and asks what's going on. What's not going on is that leopard-print silk-esque pajama set she's wearing. She could have draped a live leopard with a bloody zebra leg dangling from its mouth across her shoulders, and that would have been sexier than this. "Happy Valentine's Day!" RevCam and the twins shout to her. She wishes the twins a happy birthday, and offers to make them pancakes. RevCam says they were actually going to make her pancakes in bed. "No bacon," Annie says, instead of "thank you." RevCam and Annie kiss, causing Ruthie to roll her eyes and walk out of the house. Annie goes back upstairs to wait for her pancakes. She should really stay down there and monitor RevCam and the twins' progress. Who knows what could result from the unsupervised combination of a man who can't see red socks and boys who eat ice cream sandwich wrappers.
For example, RevCam could start singing "Love is Sweeping the Country," written by George and Ira Gershwin, out of nowhere as he gathers pancake-making supplies. In related news, people in China were surprised to find the corpses of George and Ira Gershwin suddenly in their country, after both bodies spun in their graves at such speed that they actually drilled themselves through the center of the Earth. SamVid join in on the musical merriment, singing about "all the sexes from Maine to Texas," and I want to die. Suddenly, we're in Lucy and Kevin's room, where he sing-talks one line. Then we go back to the kitchen for a while, then to Annie, who sits on her bed and sings a line. And then we cut to Ruthie, who, in the space of two minutes, has gotten to school. She has also become an old French woman, based on her breathy delivery of her lines that sound like they're in French instead of English. So that was weird. And then we're back in the kitchen, where RevCam stirs pancake batter and finishes the song. Right as we're fading to the theme song, we see him lift up a bottle of a dark-colored liquid to pour it into the pancake batter. I hope that's poison.
The Opening Credits Timewaster has gotten jazzified. Ruthie and her crappy boots walk down the hallway and watch various couples making out. Get a room, guys. Then the name "Polly Cusumano" pops up as a guest star, and Djb gets all excited because it turns out he went to school with her. This means that the actress is ten years older than the character she's supposed to be playing. And she looks it, too. Good casting, guys. Back to Ruthie, she walks by Vincent, who is walking with some blonde girl. Ruthie is so shocked that she walks into Martin. He asks her what's with her bad mood when it's Valentine's Day and she has a boyfriend. Ruthie says that Vincent hasn't called her in three days. Martin gives her a pat on the shoulder as consolation, but is interrupted by Zoe, who wants to give him a Valentine and an apology. They walk away together.