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Well, this episode sucked, but at least we didn't have to watch Lucy give birth again. We do, however, have to watch her breastfeed. That's about all she does besides take naps in this episode, since she has Annie around to do everything else for her. It's great for Lucy, but not so much for Kevin, who understandably wants to spend time with his wife and new daughter, preferably in the privacy of the mansion he bought them. Meanwhile, our favorite sociopath Ruthie blackmails Martin, who was tricked into letting some crazy girl sleep over his new Treehouse apartment and doesn't want the CamRents to know about it, into asking a guy out for her. The guy, Vincent, thinks that this is all some scheme set up by his parents to make him go to church. They want him to go to church because -- and this is so stupid that it hurts me to type it out -- they lived with Vincent's grandparents from the time he was born until last year, and the grandparents did all the child-rearing for them. Now that the grandparents have escaped to Hawaii, the parents are stuck with a child they have no idea how to raise. After a lengthy talk with Revster, though, both Vincent and his formerly evil heathen parents have decided to give church a try, because it will somehow both help them raise Vincent and also learn how to be actual parents. Sounds to me like they're just waiting for an opportunity to dump Vincent into the eager arms of Mrs. Poole, but whatever. In the end, even after we see the ridiculously over-exaggerated effects of having a child and living with one's parents, we are told that Lucy, Kevin, and Savannah won't be leaving the CamPound anytime soon. And this pleases Control Freak Annie, who spends the episode being too busy taking care of Lucy's baby to give her own children any supervision whatsoever, just fine. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
It's nighttime at the CamPound, and Lucy is asleep. In the nursery, Kevin hovers over a sleeping Savannah. RevCam stops by and calls Kevin over. We find out that Kevin has been waking Savannah up all night long to make sure she's breathing. Oddly, RevCam discourages Kevin's attempt to get an early start on child-stalking, telling him to get some sleep while he can. Kevin says he still can't believe the hospital let him just bring a baby home without making sure he and Lucy were fit parents. Well, obviously they let Annie and RevCam take home seven kids, so I wouldn't put too much faith in Glenoak Hospital's Crazy Parent Detector. RevCam starts to babble on about how everything's going to be fine, but is soon interrupted by Savannah, who, at the sound of RevCam's voice, starts to cry. Savannah and I have a lot in common, it seems. RevCam takes off and Kevin returns to the nursery, where Lucy, wearing her sexiest pair of lime green long-sleeve pajamas, has entered. She holds the baby and tells Kevin that they'll be fine without his help. Then Savannah sticks her tongue out a Lucy, which is awesome.
RevCam returns to the CamBoudoir and disrobes, revealing his seven layers of pajamas. Strange how Glenoak, which seems to be warm year-round, gets so cold at night. Annie asks RevCam how the baby's doing. He says he's more worried about Kevin, who isn't sleeping. Then he brings up how the Kinkirks will be leaving the CamPound for their own mansion soon. Annie says she's enjoying "every minute" of having them around, but concedes that they'll have to move "eventually." She quickly changes the subject to Martin and how she's worried about him all alone in the garage apartment. She thinks he'll be scared. And he should be; that place is a deathtrap. When you aren't about to fall through that giant hole where the kitchenette floor should be, you're wondering if the master craftsmanship of Annie and the guy who tried to sue her is good enough to withstand a small gust of wind without the entire place coming crashing down on you. And God forbid it ever rains. Meanwhile, RevCam has fallen asleep in Annie's face.
Martin has also fallen asleep, a book entitled History of Northern Europe splayed across his chest. You have to wonder what all those multicultural Glenoak high students thought when they found out that they'd be spending their senior history class learning about the history of the whitest white people on this planet. Anyway, we see that some blonde girl has also fallen asleep in Martin's pad, apparently in the middle of reading the same book. I don't understand this; the history of Northern Europe sounds like an exciting learning adventure to me, with all those Vikings sailing around, pillaging stuff, conquering everyone, discovering the New World but not getting any credit for it. Of course, since this is a school in Glenoak we're talking about, the entire book is probably just a collection of old Hagar the Horribles.
Ugh, this week's Opening Credits Timewaster is all SamVid. They're trying to make their own school lunches. They're doing a decent enough job making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, but Sam ruins it all by taking some ice cream sandwiches out of the freezer. Martin strolls in and greets them, then asks where everyone else is. SamVid report that everyone is with the baby except for Ruthie, who's been sent outside to take in the garbage cans because everyone's afraid she'll try to sacrifice Savannah for her Dark Overlord. Martin leaves to find her. Sam tries to remove the wrapper from the ice cream sandwich, but he can't even do that right, so he ends up take a bite out of the sandwich and the wrapper. Vid grabs the sandwich from him and packs it in the lunch bags. Someone please help these children.
Martin finds Ruthie in the foyer. She asks him some leading questions about how well he slept last night, then says that she just saw "Zoe" leaving the Treehouse -- and she was wearing the same clothes she had on yesterday. I guess we're supposed to be concerned with the status of Martin's virginity, but I'm more alarmed that Ruthie is now memorizing the apparel of strangers. Zoe better watch her back! Martin says that doesn't mean anything; sometimes people wear the same clothes two days in a row. Like Bart Simpson, who has been sporting that blue shirt for, like, years. Ruthie doesn't even pretend to believe Martin's explanation. Oh, good. We're going to be treated to yet another "is Martin still a virgin?" storyline. I guess it has been, like, three episodes since the last one, so we are overdue. RevCam walks in, and Ruthie asks him for a ride to school. Martin says he'd be happy to give her a ride, but Ruthie says she just wants to spend time with her father. She leaves, and RevCam asks Martin if he and Ruthie have been fighting again. Martin says they haven't, and he doesn't know why Ruthie wants to spend time with her father. I guess she's afraid of catching possible premarital sex cooties from Martin.
Kevin wanders into the nursery and finds Lucy holding the baby. She tells him that breastfeeding has come "pretty quickly" for her, which she wasn't expecting after hearing so many "horror stories" about it from Mary. Well, I'd imagine it's a little tougher to take time out the nurse when you're embarking on a semi-successful movie career, although I doubt this will ever be a problem for Lucy. Kevin asks when they can check out that mansion he bought and is currently paying a mortgage on. Lucy says she wants to, but she would rather wait until the baby is sleeping for more than two hours at a time before she leaves her. And she has plenty of time to wait for that, since she doesn't plan on moving for a few "months." At the sound of Lucy's voice, Savannah begins to fuss. Lucy asks Kevin if one of the reasons why he wants to move so quickly is because he doesn't want anyone to see her breastfeeding their daughter. Kevin says he didn't realize she would be so "free" with it. I hope Lucy isn't supposed to be breastfeeding right now, because you can plainly see the pacifier in Savannah's mouth. Lucy says breastfeeding makes her feel "motherly." Kevin says she's his wife, and I guess only he is supposed to see her breasts, not the rest of the CamPound. Lucy says she's a mother too, and orders Kevin to change the baby. Kevin asks if she can take care of feeding and changing Savannah for the first three months, and then he can take care of it once she's on the bottle. Lucy says she was planning to nurse for six months. I'm glad this show is keeping us so well-informed about Lucy's breastfeeding, because I really wanted to know. Kevin says he doesn't like changing the baby because its umbilical cord is "freaky." Lucy says it'll fall off eventually. Kevin says he didn't realize that babies were so gross. Not all babies are gross, Kevin! Just the ones with Camden blood in them. Also, Ruthie.
Annie answers a knock at the door to find the triumphant return of Mrs. Poole. Seeing as she wasn't invited to the baby shower (which was kind of rude on Annie's part, if understandable, considering Mrs. Poole's behavior at the last one), she's bringing over some gifts for the baby now. Annie tries to grab them out of her hands and shut the door in Mrs. Poole's face, but Mrs. Poole won't give them up without entering the house first. She cheerfully requests to see the baby, but Annie, with an equally cheerful-yet-covertly-hostile tone, says the baby is too young for guests. I have to say, I love the tension between Annie and Mrs. Poole, and the fact that it has been consistent over this entire show's run. It might be the only thing 7th Heaven has ever done right. Lucy comes downstairs and invites Mrs. Poole up to see the baby. Mrs. Poole practically sprints upstairs. I know babies are cute and all, but damn. There is such a thing as being too eager, Mrs. Poole.
Kevin is hovering over the baby, wearing what might be the most modest pair of boxers I've ever seen. There will be no suggestive bulges here. But we do get to see him without his shirt, which I have no objection to. When Lucy and Mrs. Poole walk in, Kevin takes off. Mrs. Poole coos over the baby and asks Lucy about her "natural childbirth." Lucy says it "wasn't that bad." Despite not having any experience with this, I very much doubt the veracity of that statement. Lucy opens her present from Mrs. Poole: it's The Glenoak Gazette's front page story about Lucy giving birth in a stuck elevator, and it's been framed. It looks very nice. Lucy graciously says she loves her present and gives Mrs. Poole a hug.
Annie answers the back door to reveal Lou. Why can't he go in the front door? That's kind of shady. Lou claims he just has to drop off some papers for RevCam, but it is soon revealed that he really just wants to see Lucy's baby. Mrs. Poole and Lucy come down at this point, and Mrs. Poole tells Lou how adorable the baby is. Lucy invites him up to see her. Mrs. Poole sidles up to Annie and says that she's glad Lucy isn't an overprotective mother who won't let anyone see her baby, like Annie was with the twins. Before Annie can clock her with the cutting board, Mrs. Poole shows herself out.
Sadly, Kevin has put a shirt on. When Lou and Lucy enter the nursery, he runs away again. Lou pronounces Savannah "beautiful, just like her mother." Someone should really tell him that the baby wasn't adopted before he says something embarrassing like that again.
Martin finds Ruthie and her massive amounts of eye shadow in the school hallway. He asks her if anyone else in the CamPound knows about his little sleepover party. Ruthie says she doesn't think so, but that could change unless Martin does Ruthie a favor. Ruthie always finds a way to make any situation into an advantage. She tells Martin he has to ask a guy out for her who Martin doesn't even know. I don't understand that; surely she'd have better luck if she herself asked this guy out, rather than have some unknown intermediary do it for her. Martin accuses Ruthie of blackmail, but before they can say anything more about it, Zoe walks past them and Martin excuses himself to talk to her.
Martin catches up to Zoe and asks her what her parents said about her sleeping at his house. I would just like to point out that the actress who plays Zoe is actually the daughter of David Cassidy, a.k.a. Keith Partridge, a.k.a. The Original Matt Camden. ["And I would like to point out that 'Zoe' is actually a name a present-day girl might have. Brenda's fifties-name generator must be in the shop." -- Sars] Anyway, Zoe says they weren't too upset about it, especially since they were under the impression that Zoe was sleeping on a CamPound couch and not in the Treehouse. Zoe says she has "something else" she wants to talk to Martin about, but he takes off before she can tell us how sleeping, fully-clothed, several feet away from someone, can get you pregnant. Even if it's your first time.
RevCam, who is supposed to be at work, answers the CamPound phone. Of course, it's Zoe's parents, and they just want to make sure that RevCam doesn't "think badly" of Zoe for her slutty sleepover habits. When RevCam realizes exactly what they're talking about, his face registers jealousy, followed by dismay.
Lucy's breastfeeding Savannah. RevCam comes bounding into the room and gets all flustered when he sees Lucy, even though she's covered with a nursing blanket. I don't have a problem with breastfeeding, but if you're living in someone else's house, rent-free and totally unnecessarily, and they have a "no nudity" rule, you might want to close your door when you do that. Not like that would stop RevCam, but you should at least make the effort. RevCam runs out into the hall and finds Annie. She asks him what he wants, but he can't quite remember because seeing Lucy has gotten him all hot and bothered. And, ew. Finally, he collects himself enough to tell Annie that there is a problem. He doesn't get a chance to say what it is before Annie is complaining about how Lucy seems "thrilled" to let other people see her baby. Yeah, I can't imagine why someone would want to show off the thing they were most proud of to eager onlookers. RevCam takes the opportunity to blame this on Lucy not having to do any chores since "they" are doing them all for her. Annie shoots him a her trademark furious "say WHAT?" clownface until he amends the statement to say that it is Annie, and only Annie, who is doing Lucy's work for her.
Finally, RevCam gets a chance to tell Annie about the phone call he got from Zoe's parents. The CamRents are very disappointed that Martin would taint the Treehouse with sin. Annie says that Martin can just move back into the CamPound, and share a bedroom with the twins. Yeah, I'm sure Martin won't threaten to emancipate himself again if they tried that. RevCam says an easier solution would be that they pay less attention to Lucy and the baby, and more to everyone else in the house. Regardless, he wants to see if Martin or Ruthie, who he is sure knows about the sleepover, comes forward about it before he does anything. Not doing her "it's okay to abandon the children while we take care of Lucy and Kevin" case any favors, Annie says she just got a call from SamVid's poor teacher, requesting that the CamRents not let their children pack their own melty lunches and letting them know that they owe her for two school lunches. I'd love to say something about how freaking stupid the twins are, but since I had a similar kindergarten mishap when I put an open carton of milk in my lunchbox, which then spilled all over the floor during story time, I don't have too much room to talk here.
Kevin comes upstairs holding a bunch of thank-you notes to write for all the baby gifts. Annie asks if she can write any. I wonder if Miss Manners has ever addressed the rudeness of having one's mother-in-law do baby gift thank-you cards. Kevin tells her he can take care of the cards himself.
Kevin finds Lucy standing over Savannah. Apparently, Lucy has "swaddled" Savannah, which Kevin thinks makes her look like a mummy but Lucy says makes Savannah feel like she's in the womb again. Considering how much Savannah apparently hated being in the womb, this seems like a punishment to me. Lucy announces she's going to take a nap, but Kevin says he wanted to take a nap, and they can't both nap at the same time since Kevin thinks someone has to be standing over the baby at all times to make sure it's breathing. I kind of liked Kevin's behavior in this episode, actually; I imagine that if and when I have a child, I will be standing over it to make sure it's breathing too. Kevin and I must have read the same article about SIDS. Lucy tells Kevin to stop worrying so much. Kevin tells Lucy to start worrying a little more, like about all the germs she let in the house. I don't think it's very nice to call Mrs. Poole that after she gave them that nice gift. Then Kevin snaps and says that just because Lucy isn't tired since her mother is doing everything for her, leaving her "peppy" and "happy" like a "Stepford mommy," doesn't mean that he isn't tired, and he wants to take a nap. I award Kevin ten awesome points for that statement, although I'm sure I'll be taking them away pretty soon. Lucy storms off to bed. Savannah starts to cry. I like Kevin's leather jacket.
Ruthie finds Martin in the school hall and points Vincent out to him. Then she leaves. On her way out, she says good-bye to Vincent, who barely acknowledges her. That's a real love connection there. Martin walks up to Vincent and introduces himself as someone who lives with Ruthie. Vincent's all, "Ruthie who?" Wow, Ruthie didn't plan this well at all. Martin tells Vincent to ask her out. Vincent remembers who Ruthie is and says he doesn't want to ask her out because he doesn't want to meet her preacher dad. I wouldn't want to meet RevCam either, although that has nothing to do with his profession. Vincent asks Martin if his parents got RevCam to ask Ruthie to ask Martin to ask Vincent to ask Ruthie out so that Vincent would have to meet RevCam. Well, someone has a little problem with paranoid conspiracies. Martin asks why Vincent's parents would want him to talk to RevCam. Vincent says he "had a problem, kind of." He probably thought about having sex once and then some girl got pregnant.
Ruthie arrives home. RevCam tries to weasel the Zoe sleepover scandal information out of her, but the phone rings before his plan can succeed. RevCam answers the phone. It's Vincent, sitting in what I'm pretty sure is the old set for Peter's bedroom. Hey, remember Peter? The writers don't. And oh, look -- the Cheesy Split Screen has decided to make another appearance. I guess with all the money makeup spent on products for Ruthie and Vincent this week, the special effects department didn't have much to work with, since the Split Screen disappears almost immediately after its introduction, even though the conversation has not concluded. I think they just throw it in there to annoy me at this point, because it serves no other purpose. Vincent asks RevCam if his parents have been talking to him. RevCam has no idea what Vincent is talking about, but says that if Vincent needs to talk to him, he is available. Vincent asks if he available right now. As it just so happens, RevCam, who never did quite make it into work today, has plenty of free time. RevCam says he'll see Vincent soon, and Vincent hangs up his phone, which I'm pretty sure is actually a Tivo remote. It has the same rounded-hourglass shape. I have a season pass for 7th Heaven on my Tivo, so I got a season pass for Masterpiece Theatre to sort of even things out, but that just made my Tivo's impression of me as an elderly shut-in even stronger. Now it tapes every episode of The Golden Girls and The Miss Bradley Mysteries it can find. Actually, that's usually fine with me, because I love me some Betty White and Diana Rigg. Maybe I actually am an elderly shut-in.
When RevCam hangs up on Vincent, Ruthie runs over, asking if Vincent wanted to speak to her. Seeing as RevCam never actually offered the phone to Ruthie, I'd say no. RevCam says that Vincent is coming over to talk to him. Ruthie says Vincent must be asking for RevCam's permission to ask Ruthie out, because fourteen-year-old boys are just that chivalrous. Maybe Vincent watches Masterpiece Theatre too. RevCam says he doesn't know if he'll let Ruthie date anyone yet. He will, apparently, let them go on vacations with her and have sleepover parties, however. Oh, that's right: I'm supposed to pretend that Peter never existed. It's so hard to get those thrilling Paris storylines out of my head.
RevCam answers the door. It's Zoe, and she's looking for Martin. RevCam says he isn't back from baseball practice yet. Zoe asks if she can wait for Martin in his apartment. "You can wait in the living room, if you like," RevCam tells her. "Okay, I'll wait in the living room," Zoe answers. I wonder if it would take me more or less time to write my recaps if, instead of writing new material, I just repeated everything I said over and over again. Something I am wondering about is if time would be saved writing my recaps with the same phrase, repeated in similar words, over and over again. Query: would my television show summaries be done in a shorter amount of time if I said something, and then spit it back over and over again, but with slightly different wording?
Zoe sluts on over to the living room. RevCam tries to close the front door behind her, but two horrible women force their way inside with presents and demands to see the baby. One of them is from last week's episode -- the shower guest who wasn't Aunt Julie, or elderly, or twelve, or looked like Joy Behar. That woman. Anyway, she just can't get enough baby-gift-giving. RevCam lets the women inside and says he'll just go see if it's a good time for them to visit the baby.
RevCam dashes upstairs as fast as his crap heart will carry him. He slows as he nears Kevin and Lucy's room, because their door is closed and that means that he can spy on them. He listens as Kevin and Lucy fight about whether or not they should let people see the baby and move out of the CamPound or something. Whatever it is, I'm sure Lucy is wrong. When the yelling stops, RevCam loses interest and heads back downstairs, where there is now a small crowd of nosy neighbors gathered, their arms filled with baby gifts. Is the Promenade closed today or something? Surely there must be something better for these people to do. RevCam apologizes to the group, but they can't see the baby right now because she's asleep. "I don't know how," Glorified Extra says to her friend. Huh? Could they hear Kevin and Lucy fighting all the way down there? Or maybe they were also upstairs listening outside the door, but they were too far behind RevCam for us to see them in the shot. It seems like something these people would do, obviously having nothing better to do. Suddenly and without the warning of, say, a knock, Vincent enters. He sees the crowd and asks RevCam if he should "get in line." On this non-suspenseful note, we go to a commercial.
When we return, Vincent is seated in RevCam's home office. Leaning against his desk in a casual, yet professional, fashion, RevCam asks Vincent what his parents are trying to get him to do. He hopes that they aren't trying to get him to ask out his daughter. Vincent says he thought that was RevCam's plan to get him in his office. Arms folded rebelliously, Vincent says he doesn't think RevCam is the kind of guy who would let his daughter date someone who "goes against the demands of his parents." And what are those demands? Well, they want Vincent to go to church, even though they themselves don't attend it. "Interesting," says RevCam, which is a lie. Vincent says he isn't in any other trouble besides the church thing. RevCam sells Vincent on the idea of going to church by saying that it will give him a "moral compass." Vincent says his comic books do that as well, because good always wins over evil. RevCam says that his son Simon used to like comic books, and look how he turned out. But what is their excuse for Mary? Did she take delight in the antics of Marmaduke?
RevCam decides to stop talking about his failure children and go back to that whole moral compass thing that you can't get anywhere besides church. And just where does this moral compass come from? Apparently not Jesus or the Bible, since RevCam doesn't mention either of those. Maybe you just show up at church and a moral compass is planted inside you, like an Immaculate Conception, although RevCam wouldn't know anything about such things. Something he does know about, however, is sex, and he'd like to know Vincent's feelings on that. Vincent asks RevCam if he's asking that question as a minister or as Ruthie's father. And really, neither of those choices would be appropriate. RevCam doesn't answer the question, choosing instead to tell Vincent, unsolicited, that he thinks that sex should only be for married couples. If I were fourteen and a strange older man started asking me for my opinions about sex when we were alone in his office, I would have left. But Vincent just gets theoretical. He asks RevCam how he would feel if Ruthie made it to her forties without getting married. RevCam has four heart attacks at the thought of one of his daughters not finding a suitable man before her twenties. Vincent continues his scenario, asking RevCam how he would feel about premarital sex if Ruthie was that old and in love with a guy who didn't want to get married. RevCam says he doesn't care if she's eighty. I'll bet Ruthie cares! "The answer's still no," he finishes. It's too bad Jessica Biel isn't still around so that RevCam could, like, walk in on Mary in the bathroom or buy her tampons or something and get the Weird Father-Daughter Sex Vibes hat trick for the episode.
RevCam counters with a hypothetical situation for Vincent, and it also involves Ruthie and her middle-aged virginity. Great. RevCam asks Vincent if it isn't better for him to get over his commitment-phobia and then marry Ruthie and have sin-free sex. And, by the way, commitment-phobia can be cured by going to church. I don't know why people bother paying for therapy for their problems anymore when they could just sit in church and be cured instantly. Vincent asks how he got dragged into the Ruthie-Forty-Virginity scenario. Well, he's a little bit culpable, being the one who brought this all up in the first place. I had absolutely nothing to do with any of this, and I still had to hear it. RevCam asks Vincent what church his parents attended when they were children. Vincent says they never went to church. Heathens! RevCam asks Vincent what would make him want to attend church. Vincent says it would have to be something pretty important to make him give up waking up late and watching superhero cartoons. RevCam sits down to Vincent and says that it might be time for Vincent to "graduate" from his childish pastimes and move on to "reality." I hope this show isn't supposed to serve as an example of this "reality." "Life is real," continues RevCam; "the force behind life is…" and here I thought he was going to say something about churches or moral compasses or even Jesus, but he went with "real." It's not like I want people on this show to talk about Jesus all the time, I just think it's really weird for a pastor to talk about all the benefits of his religion without even mentioning him once. RevCam descends into babbling nonsense as he says that life or reality or the real force behind real life is "faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than a locomotive. Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound." Vincent just laughs at RevCam, who buries his head in his hands because Stephen Collins has never been more ashamed of himself. Vincent asks, one more time, if his parents had anything to do with Ruthie asking him out. RevCam says they didn't. Vincent asks this again. RevCam's answer is the same.
Zoe's still sitting on the couch, having managed not to kill herself after spending an afternoon with the Camdens. I would have torn my head off and eaten it by now. Martin walks in, bopping his head the rock music from the early '90s coming from his walkman. When he sees Zoe, the bopping stops. Zoe says she has something "important" to talk to Martin about. She asks him if he minds her telling people that they had sex the other night. Martin furrows his brow, an effort that registers a 5.4 on the Richter scale. Seriously, Martin: tweezers are your friend. Zoe reveals that she fell asleep on Martin's couch on purpose so that she could tell people that they had sex because everyone else in her class has and she felt left out. What I don't understand is why Zoe felt the need to actually sleep over, unless there are sentries standing guard below the Treehouse, ready to confirm or deny any rumors of possible mischief. And even if there were, I think Zoe could just run up to the Treehouse, wait about five minutes, and then come back down and her story would still be believable. Hard luck for Zoe, though, because, after all the planning she did to make people think she wasn't a virgin, she had to go and choose the one teenage boy IN THE WORLD who would have a problem with his peers thinking he wasn't a virgin. Martin says he's angry about this. Zoe says Martin would be a "pretty lucky guy" if someone like Zoe ever did actually want to have sex with him. She tells Martin that everyone else in their school is having sex besides them and she just wants people to think she's normal. Martin says he doesn't like to lie. Zoe says if he's so into the truth, then he won't mind her telling her parents that she spent the night in Martin's apartment rather than the CamCouch. Unless Zoe has the type of father who would march over to the Treehouse with a shotgun in one hand and a priest in the other, I don't really see how what Zoe tells her parents affects Martin. He tells Zoe to do whatever she wants, but she won't be seeing him ever again. Zoe smirks her way out of the house. Oh, Zoe. So much effort to make people think you had sex with Martin when you could have had Mac just by winking at him.
Martin enters Ruthie's bedroom, where she's busily applying layers and layers of lip gloss. She snots to Martin that if he's coming to her for advice, hers is to not have any more sleepover parties. Martin shoots her smugness right down by saying that Vincent doesn't want to date Ruthie; he just thinks that, and I can't believe we're going into this AGAIN, his parents got RevCam to get Ruthie to get Martin to ask Vincent to ask Ruthie out so he could talk to RevCam about some problem. Ruthie tries to go figure out what's going on, but Martin has one more thing to say: he's going to tell the CamRents about Zoe. "Why?!" Ruthie says, panicking. Martin says he's sick of being blackmailed by every Evil Single Woman in his life. Ruthie says she wasn't even blackmailing him, but Martin disagrees. Ruthie says the CamRents already know about Zoe anyway, based on the obvious questions RevCam was asking her earlier. And Ruthie didn't tell him anything, so that means that if Martin tells RevCam about Zoe, Ruthie will get in trouble for not telling RevCam about it when he asked her, and then she won't get to date Vincent, who doesn't even want to date her anyway. Martin says that isn't his problem.
Annie slides into the nursery and is pleased to find Kevin asleep, leaving Savannah unattended. Now Annie can steal her! Actually, she just throws covers over everyone. I guess the "Annie kidnaps Savannah and makes a break for Mexico" storyline will happen later in the season. It will happen, though.
Meanwhile, SamVid are in their room opening all of the baby's presents. As what usually happens when they're left unattended, they have made a huge mess. Annie walks in and asks them what they're doing. They claim they were "helping" Kevin and Lucy, much like they "helped" whichever school custodian got stuck cleaning up their ice cream sandwich puddles. Annie says that this is bad because now Kevin and Lucy won't know who to write thank-you notes to. SamVid say that they actually put the cards with the gift and wrote their own thank you notes. I guess the concept of not writing someone else's thank-you notes for them isn't part of that moral compass. SamVid say they want Lucy and Kevin and Savannah to live with them "forever." Happy barks in protest. "Me too," says Annie.
Martin and Ruthie are fighting on their way down the stairs over who gets to talk to RevCam first. There is a knock at the door, and Martin decides to lift Ruthie up and carry her over his shoulder. Because Mackenzie Rosman is that good of an actor, she makes no sounds of protest or any attempts to escape, like you would actually do if you were picked up against your will. Maybe it's because she's in too much pain from the high heels the costume department is making her wear. I don't know ANY people her age who wore freaking HIGH HEELS with their everyday wardrobe. Martin and Ruthie's ass greet the couple at the door. Martin drops Ruthie so that he's carrying her across his chest and says that if they're there to see Savannah, she's sleeping. The couple introduce themselves as Vincent's parents and thank the Camdens for very cleverly getting Vincent to the CamPound by bribing him with a girlfriend. "Put me down!" Ruthie says to Martin. He does. I still don't understand why he was carrying her in the first place. The parents walk in and pronounce Ruthie "adorable." Just then, Vincent and RevCam emerge from the RevOffice. Ruthie demands to talk to RevCam. Martin demands to talk to RevCam. Vincent demands that his parents talk to RevCam.
Kevin glares at a sleeping Lucy. Uncomfortable from the hot sensation of Kevin's eyebeams burning holes in her face, she wakes up. Kevin apologizes to Lucy for all the totally accurate things he said earlier, blaming it on being "jealous" that Lucy is better with the baby than he is. Lucy forgives him, but admits that a lot of what he said was true. She has been showing off with the baby and not giving Kevin a chance to be a father. So she's sorry too, and they both forgive each other and share a steamy kiss on the lips. Then the baby cries, and Kevin says he'll take care of her. But the new, unselfish Lucy tells him to let the baby cry because she has something she wants to say to him first: she thinks it's great living at the CamPound. Kevin admits that her parents have been a big help. Lucy says she won't be "ready" to leave the CamPound for a few months. Kevin says he can wait, but reminds her that "months have a way of turning into years." Lucy promises they won't. I don't see why anyone would believe her. I also don't see how, if you're mature enough to get married and have a child, you aren't "ready" to move out of your brother's old bedroom.
Vincent's parents "feel just terrible" about eating the Camdens' dinner. They'll feel a lot more terrible once the arsenic Annie uses to season her dishes hits. RevCam asks them what we've been wondering all episode: why do they want Vincent to go to church so badly? Their answer is long, so I'll give you the short version. A Contrived, Unrealistic Storyline Forced Into The Script To Parallel Kevin and Lucy's Situation Digest, if you will. Here we go: when Vincent was born, his parents moved back in with his maternal grandparents. And they never left. The grandparents did all the parenting while the parents sat around watching television, I guess. Vincent's mom says this was a "wonderful arrangement for everyone involved." Yes, except for, say, the grandparents. Last year, they finally got sick of being taken advantage of and moved to Hawaii, leaving the house with their daughter, sort of like the Walshes did on Beverley Hills , but even stupider, if this is possible. So now Vincent's parents actually have to be parents, but they don't know how, so they want RevCam and his church to do it for them. The only other option, explains Vincent's dad, is that they follow the grandparents to Hawaii and make them take care of Vincent again. I bet the grandparents made damn sure to keep their phone number unlisted and their address private just in case this happened. RevCam has a third solution, an idea so crazy that it just might work: Vincent's parents could try to parent! Oh, except that they don't want to. RevCam says that he can help them; the whole church can. Guess what, whole church? RevCam just volunteered you for teenage boy babysitting! RevCam says he feels strongly about "this issue," that being having strong young teenage boys around him. It certainly isn't about being a presence in one's children's lives through thick and thin, since, as we've seen in the cases of Simon and Mary, when the parenting gets tough, RevCam believe the children should get sent off to college or Buffalo.
Vincent and Ruthie hang out outside. Vincent says he loved the dinner, especially since his crappy mother never cooks. And he has decided to try church out. Ruthie asks Vincent why his parents were forcing him to go. He says it's a "really boring story." And he's right. Ruthie asks him out. She'll have to ask her parents' permission first, but "Martin could probably drive us" if they say yes. That sure is an enticing offer. Vincent doesn't think his parents would approve of him doing anything with He Who Has Sex With That Zoe Chick. How would Vincent's parents even know about that? And why would they, being godless heathens, even care? Ruthie says that Martin didn't have sex; Zoe just pretended they did to make herself more popular. Vincent smoothly wonders why people can't just stick to kissing. And then he and Ruthie kiss to the Guitars of This Really Isn't Ruthie's First Kiss Since She Dated Peter For A Year And A Half. When it's over, Ruthie smiles dorkily, which I actually thought was a nice, realistic touch.
Of course, as RevCam says, reality moves faster than a speeding bullet, so the moment is very fleeting as our scene involves Vincent's parents. They have finished their conversation with RevCam, and say they will try church out themselves. Great job getting two people who are apparently incapable of even loving their own child to join your parish, there, Rev. RevCam says they might even find church helpful. Vincent's mom tells RevCam to back off. Even though she's a terrible person and ridiculous caricature of whatever Brenda Hampton thinks non-church-attending people are like, I like her, just for that. Vincent enters and says he's ready to go home. RevCam says he looks forward to hearing what Vincent thinks of church. The Vincent Family leaves. I hope we never hear anything about that ludicrous plotline ever again.
They've barely shut the door behind them when Ruthie gets her nosy on. She asks RevCam what Vincent's problems are. RevCam says they aren't "serious." I question RevCam's scale of problem seriousity. For instance, I would think that someone with two parents who were as cold and emotionally distant as Vincent's would have a serious problem, whereas someone who had premarital sex would not have a serious problem, if they had one at all. But these are moral compass-less values held by heathens like me. I also don't let people write thank-you cards for me. Martin comes downstairs and says he wants to talk to RevCam, and before Ruthie. RevCam says they can all talk at the same time. What follows is Martin and Ruthie basically telling RevCam everything that happened in this episode. In the end, Martin says he doesn't want to look cool at school if it means he has to have sex or lie about having sex. Ruthie admits that she was wrong to blackmail Martin, but she was so desperate for a boyfriend after trying "all year" to get one without success. So it's not like she even likes Vincent for Vincent; she just wants a boyfriend. This doesn't even make sense when you consider the fact that she doesn't intend to do anything more than kiss him. RevCam dishes out the punishments: Martin can't "entertain" women in his apartment, which isn't much of a punishment considering the fact that Martin doesn't even like women; and Ruthie isn't allowed to date. He admits that he does like Vincent (ew), but she'll just have to wait a few weeks to see him. Ruthie quickly says she has no problem waiting since she already got what she wanted out of him: "He kissed me!" "He really does need to go to church," says RevCam. But…I thought there was nothing wrong with kissing! I'm so confused! My moral compass has gone haywire! I'm gonna go have premarital sex and get pregnant and move back in with my parents and read comic books while they raise my bastard child.
The crappiest song John Mayer has even written (and that is saying A LOT) plays as everyone in the CamPound stands in Kevin and Lucy's doorway and stares at them. Why are they even playing this? Didn't the album this song is from come out over a year ago? At least it's not Ricky Nelson. Lucy grins at them like an idiot, and Savannah is sleeping in Kevin's arms. He is also sleeping. I think it's cute to see men with babies, as long they aren't on a plane with me. What isn't cute is the following shots of the Camdens staring at them creepily. RevCam takes a second to hiss a "they're moving" to Annie. She responds by elbowing him in the stomach. Did she learn how to do that in church?