It's nighttime at the CamPound, and Lucy is asleep. In the nursery, Kevin hovers over a sleeping Savannah. RevCam stops by and calls Kevin over. We find out that Kevin has been waking Savannah up all night long to make sure she's breathing. Oddly, RevCam discourages Kevin's attempt to get an early start on child-stalking, telling him to get some sleep while he can. Kevin says he still can't believe the hospital let him just bring a baby home without making sure he and Lucy were fit parents. Well, obviously they let Annie and RevCam take home seven kids, so I wouldn't put too much faith in Glenoak Hospital's Crazy Parent Detector. RevCam starts to babble on about how everything's going to be fine, but is soon interrupted by Savannah, who, at the sound of RevCam's voice, starts to cry. Savannah and I have a lot in common, it seems. RevCam takes off and Kevin returns to the nursery, where Lucy, wearing her sexiest pair of lime green long-sleeve pajamas, has entered. She holds the baby and tells Kevin that they'll be fine without his help. Then Savannah sticks her tongue out a Lucy, which is awesome.
RevCam returns to the CamBoudoir and disrobes, revealing his seven layers of pajamas. Strange how Glenoak, which seems to be warm year-round, gets so cold at night. Annie asks RevCam how the baby's doing. He says he's more worried about Kevin, who isn't sleeping. Then he brings up how the Kinkirks will be leaving the CamPound for their own mansion soon. Annie says she's enjoying "every minute" of having them around, but concedes that they'll have to move "eventually." She quickly changes the subject to Martin and how she's worried about him all alone in the garage apartment. She thinks he'll be scared. And he should be; that place is a deathtrap. When you aren't about to fall through that giant hole where the kitchenette floor should be, you're wondering if the master craftsmanship of Annie and the guy who tried to sue her is good enough to withstand a small gust of wind without the entire place coming crashing down on you. And God forbid it ever rains. Meanwhile, RevCam has fallen asleep in Annie's face.
Martin has also fallen asleep, a book entitled History of Northern Europe splayed across his chest. You have to wonder what all those multicultural Glenoak high students thought when they found out that they'd be spending their senior history class learning about the history of the whitest white people on this planet. Anyway, we see that some blonde girl has also fallen asleep in Martin's pad, apparently in the middle of reading the same book. I don't understand this; the history of Northern Europe sounds like an exciting learning adventure to me, with all those Vikings sailing around, pillaging stuff, conquering everyone, discovering the New World but not getting any credit for it. Of course, since this is a school in Glenoak we're talking about, the entire book is probably just a collection of old Hagar the Horribles.
“ Sam tries to remove the wrapper from the ice cream sandwich, but he can't even do that right, so he ends up take a bite out of the sandwich and the wrapper. Vid grabs the sandwich from him and packs it in the lunch bags. Someone please help these children. ”
Ugh, this week's Opening Credits Timewaster is all SamVid. They're trying to make their own school lunches. They're doing a decent enough job making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, but Sam ruins it all by taking some ice cream sandwiches out of the freezer. Martin strolls in and greets them, then asks where everyone else is. SamVid report that everyone is with the baby except for Ruthie, who's been sent outside to take in the garbage cans because everyone's afraid she'll try to sacrifice Savannah for her Dark Overlord. Martin leaves to find her. Sam tries to remove the wrapper from the ice cream sandwich, but he can't even do that right, so he ends up take a bite out of the sandwich and the wrapper. Vid grabs the sandwich from him and packs it in the lunch bags. Someone please help these children.
Martin finds Ruthie in the foyer. She asks him some leading questions about how well he slept last night, then says that she just saw "Zoe" leaving the Treehouse -- and she was wearing the same clothes she had on yesterday. I guess we're supposed to be concerned with the status of Martin's virginity, but I'm more alarmed that Ruthie is now memorizing the apparel of strangers. Zoe better watch her back! Martin says that doesn't mean anything; sometimes people wear the same clothes two days in a row. Like Bart Simpson, who has been sporting that blue shirt for, like, years. Ruthie doesn't even pretend to believe Martin's explanation. Oh, good. We're going to be treated to yet another "is Martin still a virgin?" storyline. I guess it has been, like, three episodes since the last one, so we are overdue. RevCam walks in, and Ruthie asks him for a ride to school. Martin says he'd be happy to give her a ride, but Ruthie says she just wants to spend time with her father. She leaves, and RevCam asks Martin if he and Ruthie have been fighting again. Martin says they haven't, and he doesn't know why Ruthie wants to spend time with her father. I guess she's afraid of catching possible premarital sex cooties from Martin.
Kevin wanders into the nursery and finds Lucy holding the baby. She tells him that breastfeeding has come "pretty quickly" for her, which she wasn't expecting after hearing so many "horror stories" about it from Mary. Well, I'd imagine it's a little tougher to take time out the nurse when you're embarking on a semi-successful movie career, although I doubt this will ever be a problem for Lucy. Kevin asks when they can check out that mansion he bought and is currently paying a mortgage on. Lucy says she wants to, but she would rather wait until the baby is sleeping for more than two hours at a time before she leaves her. And she has plenty of time to wait for that, since she doesn't plan on moving for a few "months." At the sound of Lucy's voice, Savannah begins to fuss. Lucy asks Kevin if one of the reasons why he wants to move so quickly is because he doesn't want anyone to see her breastfeeding their daughter. Kevin says he didn't realize she would be so "free" with it. I hope Lucy isn't supposed to be breastfeeding right now, because you can plainly see the pacifier in Savannah's mouth. Lucy says breastfeeding makes her feel "motherly." Kevin says she's his wife, and I guess only he is supposed to see her breasts, not the rest of the CamPound. Lucy says she's a mother too, and orders Kevin to change the baby. Kevin asks if she can take care of feeding and changing Savannah for the first three months, and then he can take care of it once she's on the bottle. Lucy says she was planning to nurse for six months. I'm glad this show is keeping us so well-informed about Lucy's breastfeeding, because I really wanted to know. Kevin says he doesn't like changing the baby because its umbilical cord is "freaky." Lucy says it'll fall off eventually. Kevin says he didn't realize that babies were so gross. Not all babies are gross, Kevin! Just the ones with Camden blood in them. Also, Ruthie.
“ Vincent asks how he got dragged into the Ruthie-Forty-Virginity scenario. Well, he's a little bit culpable, being the one who brought this all up in the first place. I had absolutely nothing to do with any of this, and I still had to hear it. ”
RevCam decides to stop talking about his failure children and go back to that whole moral compass thing that you can't get anywhere besides church. And just where does this moral compass come from? Apparently not Jesus or the Bible, since RevCam doesn't mention either of those. Maybe you just show up at church and a moral compass is planted inside you, like an Immaculate Conception, although RevCam wouldn't know anything about such things. Something he does know about, however, is sex, and he'd like to know Vincent's feelings on that. Vincent asks RevCam if he's asking that question as a minister or as Ruthie's father. And really, neither of those choices would be appropriate. RevCam doesn't answer the question, choosing instead to tell Vincent, unsolicited, that he thinks that sex should only be for married couples. If I were fourteen and a strange older man started asking me for my opinions about sex when we were alone in his office, I would have left. But Vincent just gets theoretical. He asks RevCam how he would feel if Ruthie made it to her forties without getting married. RevCam has four heart attacks at the thought of one of his daughters not finding a suitable man before her twenties. Vincent continues his scenario, asking RevCam how he would feel about premarital sex if Ruthie was that old and in love with a guy who didn't want to get married. RevCam says he doesn't care if she's eighty. I'll bet Ruthie cares! "The answer's still no," he finishes. It's too bad Jessica Biel isn't still around so that RevCam could, like, walk in on Mary in the bathroom or buy her tampons or something and get the Weird Father-Daughter Sex Vibes hat trick for the episode.
RevCam counters with a hypothetical situation for Vincent, and it also involves Ruthie and her middle-aged virginity. Great. RevCam asks Vincent if it isn't better for him to get over his commitment-phobia and then marry Ruthie and have sin-free sex. And, by the way, commitment-phobia can be cured by going to church. I don't know why people bother paying for therapy for their problems anymore when they could just sit in church and be cured instantly. Vincent asks how he got dragged into the Ruthie-Forty-Virginity scenario. Well, he's a little bit culpable, being the one who brought this all up in the first place. I had absolutely nothing to do with any of this, and I still had to hear it. RevCam asks Vincent what church his parents attended when they were children. Vincent says they never went to church. Heathens! RevCam asks Vincent what would make him want to attend church. Vincent says it would have to be something pretty important to make him give up waking up late and watching superhero cartoons. RevCam sits down to Vincent and says that it might be time for Vincent to "graduate" from his childish pastimes and move on to "reality." I hope this show isn't supposed to serve as an example of this "reality." "Life is real," continues RevCam; "the force behind life is" and here I thought he was going to say something about churches or moral compasses or even Jesus, but he went with "real." It's not like I want people on this show to talk about Jesus all the time, I just think it's really weird for a pastor to talk about all the benefits of his religion without even mentioning him once. RevCam descends into babbling nonsense as he says that life or reality or the real force behind real life is "faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than a locomotive. Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound." Vincent just laughs at RevCam, who buries his head in his hands because Stephen Collins has never been more ashamed of himself. Vincent asks, one more time, if his parents had anything to do with Ruthie asking him out. RevCam says they didn't. Vincent asks this again. RevCam's answer is the same.
“ Martin furrows his brow, an effort that registers a 5.4 on the Richter scale. Seriously, Martin: tweezers are your friend. ”
Zoe's still sitting on the couch, having managed not to kill herself after spending an afternoon with the Camdens. I would have torn my head off and eaten it by now. Martin walks in, bopping his head the rock music from the early '90s coming from his walkman. When he sees Zoe, the bopping stops. Zoe says she has something "important" to talk to Martin about. She asks him if he minds her telling people that they had sex the other night. Martin furrows his brow, an effort that registers a 5.4 on the Richter scale. Seriously, Martin: tweezers are your friend. Zoe reveals that she fell asleep on Martin's couch on purpose so that she could tell people that they had sex because everyone else in her class has and she felt left out. What I don't understand is why Zoe felt the need to actually sleep over, unless there are sentries standing guard below the Treehouse, ready to confirm or deny any rumors of possible mischief. And even if there were, I think Zoe could just run up to the Treehouse, wait about five minutes, and then come back down and her story would still be believable. Hard luck for Zoe, though, because, after all the planning she did to make people think she wasn't a virgin, she had to go and choose the one teenage boy IN THE WORLD who would have a problem with his peers thinking he wasn't a virgin. Martin says he's angry about this. Zoe says Martin would be a "pretty lucky guy" if someone like Zoe ever did actually want to have sex with him. She tells Martin that everyone else in their school is having sex besides them and she just wants people to think she's normal. Martin says he doesn't like to lie. Zoe says if he's so into the truth, then he won't mind her telling her parents that she spent the night in Martin's apartment rather than the CamCouch. Unless Zoe has the type of father who would march over to the Treehouse with a shotgun in one hand and a priest in the other, I don't really see how what Zoe tells her parents affects Martin. He tells Zoe to do whatever she wants, but she won't be seeing him ever again. Zoe smirks her way out of the house. Oh, Zoe. So much effort to make people think you had sex with Martin when you could have had Mac just by winking at him.
Martin enters Ruthie's bedroom, where she's busily applying layers and layers of lip gloss. She snots to Martin that if he's coming to her for advice, hers is to not have any more sleepover parties. Martin shoots her smugness right down by saying that Vincent doesn't want to date Ruthie; he just thinks that, and I can't believe we're going into this AGAIN, his parents got RevCam to get Ruthie to get Martin to ask Vincent to ask Ruthie out so he could talk to RevCam about some problem. Ruthie tries to go figure out what's going on, but Martin has one more thing to say: he's going to tell the CamRents about Zoe. "Why?!" Ruthie says, panicking. Martin says he's sick of being blackmailed by every Evil Single Woman in his life. Ruthie says she wasn't even blackmailing him, but Martin disagrees. Ruthie says the CamRents already know about Zoe anyway, based on the obvious questions RevCam was asking her earlier. And Ruthie didn't tell him anything, so that means that if Martin tells RevCam about Zoe, Ruthie will get in trouble for not telling RevCam about it when he asked her, and then she won't get to date Vincent, who doesn't even want to date her anyway. Martin says that isn't his problem.
“ Now Annie can steal her! Actually, she just throws covers over everyone. I guess the 'Annie kidnaps Savannah and makes a break for Mexico' storyline will happen later in the season. It will happen, though. ”
Annie slides into the nursery and is pleased to find Kevin asleep, leaving Savannah unattended. Now Annie can steal her! Actually, she just throws covers over everyone. I guess the "Annie kidnaps Savannah and makes a break for Mexico" storyline will happen later in the season. It will happen, though.
Meanwhile, SamVid are in their room opening all of the baby's presents. As what usually happens when they're left unattended, they have made a huge mess. Annie walks in and asks them what they're doing. They claim they were "helping" Kevin and Lucy, much like they "helped" whichever school custodian got stuck cleaning up their ice cream sandwich puddles. Annie says that this is bad because now Kevin and Lucy won't know who to write thank-you notes to. SamVid say that they actually put the cards with the gift and wrote their own thank you notes. I guess the concept of not writing someone else's thank-you notes for them isn't part of that moral compass. SamVid say they want Lucy and Kevin and Savannah to live with them "forever." Happy barks in protest. "Me too," says Annie.
Martin and Ruthie are fighting on their way down the stairs over who gets to talk to RevCam first. There is a knock at the door, and Martin decides to lift Ruthie up and carry her over his shoulder. Because Mackenzie Rosman is that good of an actor, she makes no sounds of protest or any attempts to escape, like you would actually do if you were picked up against your will. Maybe it's because she's in too much pain from the high heels the costume department is making her wear. I don't know ANY people her age who wore freaking HIGH HEELS with their everyday wardrobe. Martin and Ruthie's ass greet the couple at the door. Martin drops Ruthie so that he's carrying her across his chest and says that if they're there to see Savannah, she's sleeping. The couple introduce themselves as Vincent's parents and thank the Camdens for very cleverly getting Vincent to the CamPound by bribing him with a girlfriend. "Put me down!" Ruthie says to Martin. He does. I still don't understand why he was carrying her in the first place. The parents walk in and pronounce Ruthie "adorable." Just then, Vincent and RevCam emerge from the RevOffice. Ruthie demands to talk to RevCam. Martin demands to talk to RevCam. Vincent demands that his parents talk to RevCam.
Kevin glares at a sleeping Lucy. Uncomfortable from the hot sensation of Kevin's eyebeams burning holes in her face, she wakes up. Kevin apologizes to Lucy for all the totally accurate things he said earlier, blaming it on being "jealous" that Lucy is better with the baby than he is. Lucy forgives him, but admits that a lot of what he said was true. She has been showing off with the baby and not giving Kevin a chance to be a father. So she's sorry too, and they both forgive each other and share a steamy kiss on the lips. Then the baby cries, and Kevin says he'll take care of her. But the new, unselfish Lucy tells him to let the baby cry because she has something she wants to say to him first: she thinks it's great living at the CamPound. Kevin admits that her parents have been a big help. Lucy says she won't be "ready" to leave the CamPound for a few months. Kevin says he can wait, but reminds her that "months have a way of turning into years." Lucy promises they won't. I don't see why anyone would believe her. I also don't see how, if you're mature enough to get married and have a child, you aren't "ready" to move out of your brother's old bedroom.
“ And then he and Ruthie kiss to the Guitars of This Really Isn't Ruthie's First Kiss Since She Dated Peter For A Year And A Half. When it's over, Ruthie smiles dorkily, which I actually thought was a nice, realistic touch. ”
Vincent's parents "feel just terrible" about eating the Camdens' dinner. They'll feel a lot more terrible once the arsenic Annie uses to season her dishes hits. RevCam asks them what we've been wondering all episode: why do they want Vincent to go to church so badly? Their answer is long, so I'll give you the short version. A Contrived, Unrealistic Storyline Forced Into The Script To Parallel Kevin and Lucy's Situation Digest, if you will. Here we go: when Vincent was born, his parents moved back in with his maternal grandparents. And they never left. The grandparents did all the parenting while the parents sat around watching television, I guess. Vincent's mom says this was a "wonderful arrangement for everyone involved." Yes, except for, say, the grandparents. Last year, they finally got sick of being taken advantage of and moved to Hawaii, leaving the house with their daughter, sort of like the Walshes did on Beverley Hills , but even stupider, if this is possible. So now Vincent's parents actually have to be parents, but they don't know how, so they want RevCam and his church to do it for them. The only other option, explains Vincent's dad, is that they follow the grandparents to Hawaii and make them take care of Vincent again. I bet the grandparents made damn sure to keep their phone number unlisted and their address private just in case this happened. RevCam has a third solution, an idea so crazy that it just might work: Vincent's parents could try to parent! Oh, except that they don't want to. RevCam says that he can help them; the whole church can. Guess what, whole church? RevCam just volunteered you for teenage boy babysitting! RevCam says he feels strongly about "this issue," that being having strong young teenage boys around him. It certainly isn't about being a presence in one's children's lives through thick and thin, since, as we've seen in the cases of Simon and Mary, when the parenting gets tough, RevCam believe the children should get sent off to college or Buffalo.
Vincent and Ruthie hang out outside. Vincent says he loved the dinner, especially since his crappy mother never cooks. And he has decided to try church out. Ruthie asks Vincent why his parents were forcing him to go. He says it's a "really boring story." And he's right. Ruthie asks him out. She'll have to ask her parents' permission first, but "Martin could probably drive us" if they say yes. That sure is an enticing offer. Vincent doesn't think his parents would approve of him doing anything with He Who Has Sex With That Zoe Chick. How would Vincent's parents even know about that? And why would they, being godless heathens, even care? Ruthie says that Martin didn't have sex; Zoe just pretended they did to make herself more popular. Vincent smoothly wonders why people can't just stick to kissing. And then he and Ruthie kiss to the Guitars of This Really Isn't Ruthie's First Kiss Since She Dated Peter For A Year And A Half. When it's over, Ruthie smiles dorkily, which I actually thought was a nice, realistic touch.