We open in Martin's room, where Mac is whining to Martin about how they both are in desperate need of girlfriends. Martin tells Mac to give the girlfriend thing a few weeks, since Pam(pers) just dumped him. But Mac doesn't want to wait, because the quicker he gets a rebound girlfriend, the more it will appear as if he dumped Pampers. Ruthie walks up to the closed door and listens in, as Camdens will. Martin runs down a list of available girls for Mac, but all are rejected for either having laughed in Mac's face when he asked them out previously, for being baseball team groupies, or for being freshmen. Martin says dating someone a few years younger isn't a big deal, which it totally is in high school. The corner of Ruthie's mouth turns up in what I believe is a "smile."
Hey! It's Ben! He looks as big, dumb, and hunky as ever, which is just fine by me. And he's eating a sandwich, no doubt courtesy of the Camdens (i.e. the church collection plate). Ben further endears himself to me when he starts making fun of Kevin for going with Lucy to her doctor's appointment. He loses points when he asks if he can go too, since he's the baby's uncle. He acts as if this were a good thing, when seeing as it puts him in the company of SamVid, it isn't. Kevin turns Ben down anyway, saying that Lucy would never agree to it. But then Lucy walks in and, when asked, tells Ben that he's free to sit in the waiting room during the appointment. Ben picks up his sandwich and leaves. Where is he going? Why not finish the sandwich while he's at the kitchen table? Being mobile with crumbly bread is just asking for an ant invasion.
RevCam and SamVid are playing themselves some Candyland. SamVid announce their collective intention to spend the entire day in their pajamas. RevCam says he will, too, because he has this Saturday off (Lucy's doctor schedules appointments on a Saturday? Lucky Lucy), and he's going to spend it with the twins. The twins judge RevCam to be "too old" for such behavior, then say that RevCam can't play with them anyway because he has to go to work. RevCam says, again, that he took the day off work to be with them. They express surprise that anyone would want to spend time with them, which is both sad and telling.
The doorbell rings, and RevCam turns around. The twins take this opportunity to move their pieces forward on the game board. But since they're stupid, they move them to the exact same square, and Vid's piece totally falls over, knocking over a deck of cards on its way down. Nice move there, Rico Suave. RevCam goes to get the door, telling the boys not to cheat while he's away. SamVid say they aren't cheating; they're just trying to finish the game before RevCam goes to work. RevCam says, for the third time, that he isn't going to work. Tedious, yes, but it'll be worth it if this is the episode where someone finally realizes that the twins have problems and gets them help. Or not, since RevCam chooses to answer the door instead of rush the twins to the nearest learning disability diagnosis center. Charlie's at the door (that's "Charlie," not to be confused with Grandpa Charles or Charles Miguel or Carlos), and he's really whiny. "I can't be a father. I can't," he says. Aww, RevCam and Charlie have something in common.
Here's an Opening Credits Timewaster we can all wish we hadn't seen: Ruthie applies makeup. For some reason, she has a signed picture of a woman on her white wicker vanity. Actually, it's more like: for some reason, Ruthie has a white wicker vanity. Yuck. I wouldn't even use wicker as lawn furniture. You know, if I had a lawn. Annie walks in, and Ruthie's still going to town on the makeup. She's even putting on blush, which makes perfect sense when combined with the vanity and the Lame Clear Phone. That attic room is stuck in 1987. Annie ridiculously crosses her hands over her heart and tells Ruthie that she looks great with her dark-ass eye shadow. Annie asks what prompted Ruthie to give herself a makeover. Ruthie says she just felt like it. Annie invites Ruthie out for a girls-only shopping trip, but Ruthie doesn't feel like shopping today. Annie pathetically begs her to go, but Ruthie won't budge. So Annie starts begging Ruthie to tell her if she's wearing the makeup for a guy, and which guy it is. Ruthie says she just wants to hang out with Martin and Mac. Annie asks which one of them Ruthie's interested in, but Ruthie denies being interested in anything but hanging out. Annie asks Ruthie what makes her think they would even invite her to hang out with them. Ruthie says, in the most stilted dialogue delivered in the most stilted manner possible, that Mac and Martin are single, so they don't have any dates planned tonight, and she thought they might want to have some pizza. Annie starts to sit down, but Ruthie tells her that there's no need for a sitting-down conversation; it's no big deal. Then the dialogue we just heard is more or less repeated. And then it's repeated again. Annie finally agrees to let Ruthie hang out with Martin and Mac, as long as she's being honest that she has no intention of dating Mac. "But," Annie warns, "if you're not being completely honest, go and think about it, and then we'll talk again." Oh, that's a great parenting technique, Annie. Because when you leave it up to a child to consider his actions or take any personal responsibility for them, he totally will (not).
RevCam runs into the CamDen from his office, where the twins are running around "playfully" and Happy is barking at them, because Happy is a better mother than Annie. It turns out SamVid are wired from eating an entire bag of cookies. Annie comes down and asks RevCam why he's still in his pajamas, as if this is any kind of big deal at all. RevCam says he was playing with his sons, but now he has Charlie in his office. SamVid say that they knew RevCam had to work after all, and that he can't wear pajamas. RevCam says he can too wear his pajamas, and he will play with his sons instead of work, and Annie leaves for the rest of the episode.
RevCam runs back in his office and asks Charlie if Leanne knows he's there. Charlie says she doesn't, and it's too hard to be a parent. For instance, he hasn't slept in two weeks, and neither has his girlfriend, nor his parents. Oh my god, what a bunch of dumbasses. Have they never heard of baby monitors? Or taking turns to check on the baby when it wakes up at night? I mean, I'm no parenting expert, but this seems much more logical than having the entire family crowd around the baby's crib and stare at it all night in case it cries. More space-efficient, too. Charlie says that RevCam "has no idea what it's like," and while I'm all for people telling RevCam that he has no concept of anything in the world, I think having babies is the one area where RevCam has a considerable amount of expertise. Charlie insists that RevCam talk to Leanne and his parents for him. After all, he says, RevCam got him into being a parent, so RevCam can get him out of it. Charlie claims to have only spent "ten, maybe twelve" hours with Leanne, and now he has to take care of a needy baby for the rest of his life. RevCam tells him that it gets easier, then remembers that it really doesn't when SamVid are your children, and runs out to check on them.
The CamDen is a mess. SamVid return from taking Happy out in the yard. It turns out that they fed Happy an entire bag of cookies, and at first she did "tricks" for them (are these cookies made of crack? What the hell?), but then she got sick. They're lucky she didn't DIE, since chocolate is POISON to dogs. Although I'm not ruling out that they tried to kill Happy on purpose. And it would have worked, too, if Happy's digestive system wasn't so hardened from all of Ruthie's murder attempts. Charlie checks out the scene and asks RevCam when things get easier. Every Monday around 8:59 PM.
Kevin and Lucy exit the doctor's office, and they have different opinions about the new doctor. Kevin doesn't like her. Lucy does. Ben asks if she's a woman, and then if she's single. Kevin and Lucy pretty much ignore this, and Lucy says that she likes having a female doctor, especially one who's had kids herself. Said doctor emerges and hands Kevin a reading list, since she doesn't think he's been doing very much reading. Kevin gets all pissy (and I hate to admit, but rightfully so) and says that he has been reading, and then Ben asks the doctor if she has a "cockney" accent, like The Beatles (who did not have cockney accents. Cockney is London streets. The Beatles were from Liverpool, which is significantly north of that). The doctor huffily says she has a "British" accent, then calls Ben "ignorant." My dad says that no one would claim to have a "British" accent and she should have said "English," so I guess everyone's ignorant. Wouldn't be the first time on this show. Or the last. Lucy compliments Doctor Englishface and says she feels really comfortable around her. "Me too," says Ben, then asking if she has any reading recommendations for him. "Perhaps Dickens," Doctor Englishface snots, retreating to her office. Ben asks what a "dickens" is. In your case, Ben, it's what you tend to think with instead of your brain. Kevin says he wants a doctor for their baby who likes both of them, but that the decision is ultimately Lucy's. "Fatherhood's turned you into a girl," says Ben. Heh. I still like Ben.
Ruthie is sitting on the stairs, waiting for Mac and Martin to come home. When they do, she pathetically jumps up to meet them. Martin says Ruthie looks "funny." Mac says she looks "good." Ruthie asks them if they want to get pizza. Martin says they have practice, but Mac says perhaps later.
RevCam kicks Charlie out of the house, telling him to go get the diapers he told his family he was getting. Charlie asks the Rev to tell him something minister-ish, like that God will forgive him for dumping his baby on the steps of the nearest adoption agency, even if it's an animal adoption agency. RevCam says he'll help Charlie any way he can, and he's going to find someone to talk to him. He tells Charlie to come back later. Charlie says he's not capable of being a father, and even if he is, he doesn't want to be one. He leaves, looking defeated. "Around six?" RevCam calls out after him. Yes, RevCam, let the kid who's so desperate to be rid of his kid that he's about thisclose to either killing it or throwing it in a dumpster, or both, return to the baby. That'll end well.
RevCam's getting dressed and yelling at SamVid for jumping on his bed. The Trio of 'Tard agree that being dressed is better than being in pajamas all day. RevCam says they'll be spending the rest of the day cleaning the picnic table, as well as whatever else needs to be cleaned up in the backyard. "We already cleaned up the poop," says Sam. Um…do I want to know what they're talking about? Or how Sam "cleaned" the mystery poop up, which is probably the same way he "cleans" out the inside of his kindergarten class's paste jar (a few generous laps of his tongue)? RevCam says that he actually cleaned the poop, and if the twins ever give Happy another bag of cookies, it'll be their turn to clean it. The twins make frowny faces. Actually, Vid makes a frowny face. Sam stares blankly.
Ruthie enters and asks what's going on. RevCam stares at her. She asks him what he's looking at. "Well…don't you look nice. Beautiful, even. And many years older," RevCam says. The twins looked a little squicked out, because even they can see the weird incest vibes going on in this scene. Ruthie says she might be going out for pizza with Martin and Mac. RevCam asks which one Ruthie's interested in, since no one would spend time with Mac or Martin solely because he enjoyed their scintillating conversation and thought-provoking discourses. Ruthie basically tells RevCam the same thing she told Annie four times at the beginning of the show. SamVid ask Ruthie if she wants to help them clean up the backyard, which will be fun because they're "doing it with Daddy." Then Lucy comes in and asks for Annie, and RevCam asks if he can help her with anything. SamVid remind RevCam that he's supposed to be busy with them. Lucy says she doesn't need RevCam, so he takes off with SamVid.
Lucy asks Ruthie what her "new look" is about. I don't even think Ruthie looks that different than usual. They always put her in tarty makeup. But I have to admire whatever products she used; they're already demonstrating some serious staying power. My makeup tends to slip right off my face while I'm putting it on. Lucy asks Ruthie if there's a guy involved in all this, because we've only had this conversation twice in this episode already. Lucy tells Ruthie the boring story of her doctor, and how Kevin doesn't like her but Ben does. "Ben who?" asks Ruthie, who should know, but then, she obviously has a bad memory since she's totally forgotten Peter. When reminded who Ben is, Ruthie asks what he has to do with anything. Lucy says nothing, except that he's on her side.
Kevin is mad at Ben for getting involved with his business. He tells Ben to get his own wife and baby. Ben says that he'd have both already if only Wilson hadn't screwed things up with him and Mary. Kevin reminds Ben that he wasn't even in love with Mary. Ben says he totally was, but he just didn't know it at the time. Kevin says that isn't Wilson's fault. Ben says Wilson got Mary all confused. This is repeated a few more times, and then Kevin says that all Ben had to do was agree with him that the doctor wasn't right. Ben says he liked the doctor because "she was hot!" Kevin calls her an "arrogant, condescending, man-hating witch." Now, why did the 7H casting team (if such a thing even exists) go all the way to England to find one of those when they could have found an even better one in Denver, Colorado? Ben says he'll try to "fix things" for Kevin. Isn't it just a little hypocritical of Kevin to lecture Ben about the importance of taking responsibility for one's own problems and then immediately order Ben to fix one's brother's problems?
SamVid and RevCam clean the picnic table, which RevCam says Annie's been nagging at him to do all week. Only Annie the Control Freak would get so obsessed with her husband cleaning a picnic table. SamVid say RevCam is a "good daddy," although this claim is backed up by the fact that he does things for Annie rather than anything he does for his children. RevCam kind of sounds sarcastic when he responds that Annie does so many things for them.
Martin and Mac walk in, Martin pessimistically saying that "they're" not going to "show up." He asks RevCam if he needs help with the picnic table, which, IT'S A PICNIC TABLE. I think RevCam and SamVid can handle it themselves. RevCam says as much. Mac thinks that they should help out even though RevCam just told them not to, saying that he wishes his dad spent time with him like RevCam spends time making his children do his housework. Mac whines that his parents are divorced, and neither of them have been to his baseball games in years. "They divorced, and I lost them both," he anvils. ["'They divorced'? What kid talks like this? Wouldn't he say 'got a divorce'? I hate this goddamn show." --Sars] Martin asks Mac why he never mentioned this before, and Mac responds that it's because the writers only just made this facet of his existence up in order to loosely tie their storyline into this week's Titular Theme. Actually, Mac just says he didn't feel comfortable complaining about his parents with Martin's dad being somewhere else, but I forget where that is since it's not mentioned enough on this show. Mac says that as long as he can get a woman, he'll be fine. Okay.
When Martin and Mac enter the house, they're assaulted by an image of Ruthie that I'm sure we'd all love to forget: she's got her back leaning against the kitchen counter, her arms splayed causally across it, and her chest thrown out. She asks them, in a breathy, "seductive" voice, how their baseball practice went. Martin says they're starving, and they're getting pizza after he checks his "email." And here I thought the Camdens didn't have an internet connection. Where could I have gotten that silly idea? Oh yeah, maybe when THEY SAID IT LAST WEEK. But how much continuity can I expect from the writing team that is recycling the "I don't have parents, so I just need a good woman" story that they used with Harry only two weeks ago? Why do I expect anything from this writing team? I need to learn to lower my expectations to more realistic levels. Like, I should be impressed that the characters occasionally know each other's names. Ruthie says she's excited about getting pizza, and Martin asks what makes Ruthie think she's invited. Ruthie points out that it was her idea, as if going out for pizza is some kind of Level Five BrainHurricane. Martin and Mac shrug and say she can come. Martin walks upstairs, and Ruthie gets Mac a glass of water. That's the hotness right there, Ruthie. Work it.
Lucy's on the phone with Annie, who's using a pay phone at the mall. And how exactly did this come about? Did Lucy call the mall pay phone and ask whoever answered it to track down her mother, telling him to check the sale racks of Lane Bryant for a woman with a terrifying clownface? I guess it worked, since they're now talking to each other through the Cheesy Split Screen, which I really thought we had gotten rid of along with Chandler, Roxanne, Peter, and Asslee. But no. Anyway, Annie doesn't think Lucy should have a doctor Kevin doesn't like.
And now Ruthie's still trying to Get Herself a Man by offering him his choice of cookies, even though I thought SamVid and Happy had pretty much polished them off earlier in the show, but maybe there was a three-for-one sale on bags of Brenda's Cookies. Mac asks Ruthie to pick for him. "I pick fruit," she says seductively, and it would have actually been funny and made sense if Ruthie had said "I like…bananas." Mac asks for chocolate chip cookies as Lucy walks through, taking a good ten seconds to stare at Ruthie and Mac, like, it might be time to get yourself a hobby, Luce.
Ben enters the waiting room, which is now empty and dark. How did he get in? Doctor Englishface comes wandering out in her street clothes and asks Ben what he's doing there. He starts by saying that she was a "little rough" on his brother earlier, and DE tells Ben that if he's "come to start a row" (rhymes with "how") and then she trails off and waits for Ben to deliver his line. Of course, he asks what a "row" is, because the English are such a funny people with their "colour" instead of "color" this and "chips" instead of "French fries" that. Anyway, DE threatens to call security until Ben says he just wanted to ask her out for "fish and chips." Surprisingly enough, this doesn't hasten DE's walk to the security phone, but rather, she asks why Ben wants to have dinner with her. "Because you're hot!" he says. Ben sure is a smooth talker. Ben says it's also because his and Kevin's dad died when they were in high school, so Kevin has no idea how to be a father, or something. DE says she'll give Kevin a call and apologize, and she apologizes to Ben for being mean to him, and for having a dead dad. Ben asks her out again, saying that they can have something besides fish and chips, although he doesn't know what else her "people" eat. Somehow, I think this scene would lose all of its intended "humor" if, say, the doctor was Mexican or Chinese, and Ben was acting like her "people" were some weird alien race. DE asks if Ben has some high testosterone job, because she likes the sensitive artist type. And sure, maybe in theory the sensitive artist type is appealing, but when you actually date him and he's too sensitive to make any kind of move on you and you don't want to look like some super-aggressive Boadicea so you don't try anything either, and then the relationship keeps going because at least he's harmless and says nice things to you but there's really no chemistry there plus he never wants to go out or meet any of your friends so you finally dump him and he cries and then you feel like an asshole, you see how it can suck in actuality. Or so I've heard. Ben claims to be a "flutist," (pronounced "flute-tist," hardy har har) and DE says she knows he's a firefighter. And even though Ben's a liar, and stupid, and has a "high testosterone" job DE claimed not to like, she agrees to go out with him, and says they'll just pick up her children on the way. And even though DE is at least ten years older than him and makes him take her kids out on their dates, Ben still wants to go out with her. Although I guess that makes sense considering that the last time he was in Glenoak, he was all over Paris.
Martin, Mac, and Ruthie head out for pizza, walking by RevCam and SamVid, who are cleaning the grill. SamVid say they don't want Ruthie to go out with the guys. RevCam says they have "good protective instincts" over the women in their family, but women can take care of themselves. Except for the episodes where a woman needs RevCam to protect her from her abusive husband or get her kid adopted. RevCam spouts some more crap about the function of families and communities until Wilson comes through the back gate. And he's looking puffy. And oily. Like the worst possible combination of Matt and Chandler's genes. He stands there, panting from the effort of carrying his grease-laden mane, and RevCam says he needs Wilson's help.
Mac asks Ruthie what she wants on her pizza. She says she wants "everything," including anchovies. "You're my kinda woman," Mac says, making Ruthie respond with Mackenzie Rosman's best impression of "glee." She asks Mac about Pam, and Mac says she dumped him. Ruthie starts talking about the difficulties of finding someone new, and Martin starts making "what's going on?" faces behind his menu.
SamVid and Wilson are having a discussion. It's always good when SamVid can find someone on their intelligence level to talk to. Anyway, Wilson reveals what's been going on in his life since we saw him last: he works in the "business department" of Crawford Clown College, which pays him so much that he lives in his wife's mother's house. RevCam comes in with Charlie, and then leaves with SamVid to make some hot dogs. Charlie tells Wilson about how he's a teen father, and he thinks their baby should have a better mother and a better father. "There's [sic] lots of other couples out there waiting to adopt," he says. Wilson says that he and his wife are one of those couples, and Charlie gets all excited because he thinks RevCam brought Wilson over to adopt his unwanted baby. Wilson lets him down easy and says that he was a teen father, and the mother died during childbirth because she jumped in a time-travel machine and went back to colonial times to have her baby. But he managed to raise his son and take him to college with him and then he met a woman who also had a baby in high school and took it to college, and now they're married. Could Wilson's wife be…Cory Conway??? But we'll never find out. Also, if both Wilson and his wife are obviously capable of producing children, why do they want to adopt? Actually, why do they want children, biological or otherwise, when they don't even have enough money to live in their own place? That seems irresponsible. But irresponsibility is great, claims Wilson, who completely ignores Charlie's plan to put the baby up for adoption, instead saying that the baby needs him, and if Charlie needs a friend, Wilson can be that friend. That's one friend who's going to find a baby on his doorstep tomorrow morning.
Kevin and Lucy come in the backyard, where RevCam is grilling and SamVid are probably three seconds away from trying to eat the fire. Kevin and Lucy wonder where Ben is, and Lucy pulls her husband aside to talk about it. Kevin says that Lucy was the last person to see Ben, since he's assuming that Ben told Lucy to be nicer to her husband. Hee. Lucy says that no one told her to be nicer to Kevin; she actually did it on her own. Lucy tells Kevin not to make her "look bad" in front of her father. At the mention of his name, RevCam spins around and starts listening in on their conversation. Then Lucy says that her mother actually told her to be nicer to Kevin. "Because…" Kevin says, acting like the patriarchal prick he is. "Because you're my husband and the father of my baby," answers Lucy. And then they share a chaste kiss on the lips. RevCam leaves the grill unattended while his young sons play to it to tell Lucy and Kevin about how Wilson's visiting. "That's not good," says Kevin. Lucy and RevCam makes confused expressions.
Martin tries to get the check, but Mac doesn't want to rush out. Martin orders Mac to get him another soda, which Mac leaves to do since he's totally Martin's bitch. Martin turns to Ruthie and asks if she's interested in Mac. At that point, Mac comes back with a soda and two hot older girls. Wow, that was quick. One of the hot girls asks if Ruthie is Mac's sister. "No," says Mac, "but she's like a little sister." Ruthie's face falls. Martin smirks. Asshole! The Clarinet of the Tragedy of Teen Crushes plays its mournful tune. I have to say, even though I loathe Ruthie, I did kind of feel a little sorry for her here. I'm sure the feeling won't last.
At the Promenade-located fish and chips place we had no idea existed, Ben answers his cell phone. I'm impressed; I would have thought Ben lacked the intelligence necessary to figure one of those modern hickdeedoos out. I guess this puts Ben over Matt on the Scale of Below-Average Intelligence. But they're still above SamVid. Kevin's on the phone, and he asks Ben where he is. When Ben says he's out for fish and chips, Kevin figures out that he's with DE, and he and Lucy ask Ben what he's doing with her. Ben hangs up on them.
In the CamPound backyard, Lucy asks Kevin to talk to her father. Kevin asks why, and Lucy says that fatherhood can best be explained by a father. Kevin says he doesn't want anyone to know that he doesn't know what he's doing, because men are always supposed to know what they're doing in Brenda's Bizarre Universe. Ruthie comes storming through the backyard, followed by Martin. They meet Wilson on their way inside the house, who calls Ruthie "all grown up." "Shut up," Ruthie says. Awesome. This is followed by a truly hilarious shot of the dining Camdens, looking extremely concerned, all getting up from the table at the same time with the collective thought that they need to go spy on Ruthie.
Ruthie's wiping off the last of her makeup in a shot that mirrors the Opening Credits Timewaster. It's like someone was actually trying to give this show a sense of quality this week! Alas, much too little, far too late. RevCam comes in and asks what's up. He isn't followed by the rest of the family, so I guess somewhere between the backyard and the attic they made the decision to let RevCam interfere alone. Crying Ruthie tells RevCam about how Mac said she was a like a little sister and says that even though she knew it was impossible, she still wanted to make Mac like her. Then she tells us what happened in the scene we already saw, and apologizes to RevCam and Annie for "lying" to them. She says she just wanted a seventeen year-old to ask her out because it would make her feel "important." Such are the values the CamRents teach their children.
And here's where things took a very wrong turn. RevCam tells Ruthie that she is important, and beautiful with or without makeup. He takes a seat on the bed to Ruthie and says that Ruthie should put makeup on whenever she wants, for herself. "It's very…interesting," says RevCam, staring at Ruthie just a little too intently and lowering his voice to a disturbingly seductive whisper, "the way you…changed your face. You know, from its own natural beauty to a…more sophisticated look." With the romantic dim lighting casting shadows across his face, RevCam says that Ruthie looks "too sophisticated for Mac," thereby implying that an older man would do. He tells Ruthie that she'd "probably end up wanting someone who has more in common with [her]. Someone who goes to church." Or perhaps is its minister? Ruthie and RevCam stare longingly into each other's eyes. RevCam puts his arm around Ruthie and asks her what happened to her plans to give up on boys. Ruthie says that was a lie, too. RevCam and Ruthie embrace and RevCam tells Ruthie that he loves her. Ruthie says she wants "a guy" to love her too. "I know," says RevCam, and they close their eyes and gently rock back and forth. As did I, while alternately crying and vomiting in my shower, where the water would never be hot enough to wash my memories of this scene away.
Wilson asks Charlie if he and Leanne have marriage plans. Charlie says he's loved Leanne since grade school -- which completely conflicts with his earlier statement that he hadn't spent more than half a day with her before she got pregnant -- but he doesn't want to get married until after college. Wilson says that their son will be "happier" and "do better in school" if his parents are married. And give me a freaking break. The valedictorian of my high school class's father died when he was five. The salutatorian's dad was an abusive alcoholic who abandoned his family in her sophomore year. There were students in the top tenth percentile whose parents were married, and there were students in the top tenth who came from "broken" homes. Same was true with the bottom tenth. And while I don't necessarily disagree with what Wilson's saying, it's just not as simple as this show likes to present it as being. Also, The WB needs to get over its obsession with teen marriages.
Charlie agrees to think about getting married, and the two shake hands and part ways. Wilson finds Kevin sitting on the back steps and bids him good night. Just then, Ben walks up, and it's face-off time. "You ruined my life," says Ben. Wilson stares at him, jaw a-slack. "Because of Mary?" he finally asks. Ben says yes, because of Mary. Wilson says that because Mary cheated on him with Ben, he ended up meeting and marrying a better woman, getting a "great job," and having the "family" he always dreamed of. But, he says, Ben gets to "hang out" with the Camdens, so "it can't be all bad." No, it's worse. Especially if anyone goes to check on Ruthie and RevCam in the attic. "Good to see you," says Wilson, smirking as he leaves. Well, that face-off sucked, but it's not like it was being built up to for half the episode, right? Ben sits down to Kevin and says that he doesn't like fish, but he learned a lot about babies, and he reports that Kevin is in for a "wild ride."
RevCam asks Martin to allow Mac to remain "clueless" about what happened with Ruthie. Martin reports that Mac is indeed clueless, then says, "I don't want to make excuses for him," like, why would Mac need an excuse? He didn't do anything wrong, especially if he had no idea how Ruthie felt about him. Martin continues that he never knew that Mac's parents were divorced and Mac has a bad relationship with his dad and that's why it's important that people stay married, even if they hate each other, because that's a much healthier environment to raise kids in, with the parents screaming at each other and calling each other names and being angry all the time. And apparently, if you get divorced, it will automatically make your son oblivious about the feelings of fourteen-year-old girls. RevCam asks the obligatory question about how Martin's dad is doing, and Martin says his dad isn't dead.
RevCam checks on SamVid, tucked away in their beds. They look asleep, so RevCam turns out the light. "I wuv you," they say in unison. Kill me.
Ruthie's having some girl talk with Lucy, and just in case you thought that weird father-daughter incest vibe was just an isolated incident, Ruthie says, "It makes it tough finding a guy when you have a dad like Dad." "How's that?" Lucy asks, sounding half-asleep. Ruthie says she'll never be able to settle for someone who's "less" than her father. Lucy says Ruthie shouldn't have to settle. Unless Ruthie becomes pregnant, in which case she should immediately marry the baby's father and stay with him forever, no matter what. ["What if it's RevCam? Oh, you were all thinking it." -- Sars]
Annie comes home, her arms filled with shopping bags, and damn, she was at the mall for a while. But I guess when the local mall has eight floors, shopping excursions tend to be lengthy. Annie asks RevCam how Ruthie's hangout time with Mac and Martin went. RevCam says it didn't go well. Annie says she knew it wouldn't, and she knew Ruthie was interested in Mac, and isn't she just the smartest little person in the world even though I'll bet she spent most of her shopping trip trying to remember where she parked her car. Annie says she'll talk to Ruthie.
RevCam finds Kevin outside. Kevin asks about Ruthie. RevCam says she'll be fine, and asks Kevin how he's doing. Kevin says he's nervous about the baby. RevCam says that even when his sixth and seventh kids were being born, he was still "terrified" of "something going wrong with Annie or the boys, or both." I guess we're not supposed to think that nothing did, even though it's obvious that there was some oxygen deprivation or forceps clamping too hard or both going on there. Kevin says he doesn't know anything about being a father other than what he's read in books, since his dad died when Kevin was in his late teens, which doesn't make any sense since you'd think that would be plenty of time to serve as an example. Kevin says he doesn't want to make any mistakes. RevCam tells him not to worry about that, since he makes mistakes all the time (true), and just look how awesome his kids turned out. RevCam tells Kevin that the most important thing he can do for his daughter is be involved with her life (i.e. "go out for ice cream" every time she leaves the house) and be a good husband to Lucy. "Have I ever told you how…proud I am to have you in the family?" RevCam says, again with the seductive whisper, and it's like Stephen Collins is determined to have sexual chemistry with every single cast member on this show except for Catherine Hicks. "I bet your dad is proud of you, too," RevCam adds. Kevin nods, then quietly says, "I'm sorry, I can't talk right now." So they go off to play basketball, and RevCam puts a hand on Kevin's shoulder. And yes, George Stults is not the best actor in the universe. But I have to give him credit for being one of the only people on this show who's actually trying. Him, and taller Brino.