And we're back from mid-season hiatus. You know, in my month away from Asslee, Annie, and whoever else is hiding in the CamPound these days, I think I might have missed them. Hearing the familiar strains of the "Blackbird" rip-off guitar solo as we open on an establishing shot of the CamPound is almostwell, it's almost comforting. And then we see Matt sleeping in a t-shirt and boxer shorts to a nasty old half-eaten pizza. Richard Lewis comes on and talks nonsense for a while and -- oh, there it is -- that almost ever-present feeling of eagerly awaiting the hiatus sets in once again. Matt wakes up, and looks about as shocked and upset as you would expect someone to be if he woke up to Richard Lewis. I imagine this has become a morning ritual for his girlfriend. Matt interrupts Richard's rambling about how the Crusades were really about Italian food to ask him how he managed to get in the house. Richard explains that he snuck in through an unlocked door, as most people enter the CamPound these days. Richard lectures that the Camdens should really lock their house up, lest someone undesirable "slithers" in. True that -- the last thing I would ever want is for Richard Lewis to break into my house and do his "comedy" "routine" and bore me to death. Anyway, Richard actually decides to read his lines and tells Matt he knows what happened between him and PC. Then he tries to talk about pizza again, like, shut the fuck up about the fucking pizza already, Richard. God, one paragraph into this and I'm already swearing. Matt asks him what PC told him. Richard says that his daughter told him that the marriage was over and not to get involved, a demand he's taking very seriously by inviting Matt to breakfast so they can talk about saving his marriage. Matt grudgingly accepts the invitation, and Richard hands him a pair of pants. Behind Richard, we see that the Camdens own a set of World Book encyclopedias from the 1950s. My family used to have those! They're great, unless you want to know anything about space travel or personal computers.
RevCam and Annie are standing at the bottom of the kitchen stairs, bouncing around giddily. I think Annie accidentally brewed the caffeinated coffee instead of the usual decaf. SamVid run in and beg for their parents' attention, but don't get it. Lucy and Kevin, wearing bathrobes, let themselves into the house and join the group at the bottom of the stairs. Oh, shit, this episode was penned by the talentless hand of Brenda Hampton, so it's going to suck extra hard. The group hears someone come downstairs and gets all excited. When they see it's just Ruthie, they all sigh disappointedly. Ha! Ruthie seems surprised by this reaction, although I bet she gets it just about every time she enters a room that isn't filled with Camdens or members of their fan club. Ruthie asks the small crowd if they have better things to do, and they all look at their watches in unison and scatter. Yeah, that was funny. Now let us never see people acting or speaking in unison on this show ever again, please. The twins have nowhere to be, so they offer to make Ruthie breakfast, as they now have their own kitchen cabinet in which to hoard various food items. It's all part of their evil plan. First they will take over the kitchen cabinetry, then the CamPound, and then: the world. They offer Ruthie an orange and a banana, which she rudely rejects because she hates them. She suggests that they go to Matt's room and offer him some breakfast, and they leave.
“ Seriously, though, Catherine Hicks better start dieting before even worse wardrobe catastrophes are wreaked upon her. A housecoat is just one small step away from a muumuu, you know. ”
Ruthie reaches into a cabinet and grabs a bowl. Then she "drops" it on a nearby cookie jar, which we get to see explode upon impact in slow-motion, which was pretty cool. Ruthie grabs a paper bag and shovels the cookie jar pieces into it, just as SamVid come back downstairs to report that Matt is not in his room. Ruthie suggests looking for him in the bathroom. They do, passing by Annie, who's on her way down. Oh my god, is Annie wearing a housecoat? I thought they stopped making those twenty years ago! Seriously, though, Catherine Hicks better start dieting before even worse wardrobe catastrophes are wreaked upon her. A housecoat is just one small step away from a muumuu, you know. Ruthie shoves the paper bag full o' cookie jar into SamVid's food storage facility. Annie and Ruthie exchange some awkward conversation, then Ruthie leaves for school, saying she has to go in early to spend some time in the library. What a loser! SamVid come back down and report that Matt is nowhere to be found. Annie makes a face.
Lucy runs around The Treehouse of Lurv, wearing a little sweater with a long shirt under it. It's not a bad fashion choice per se, but on Lucy it looks terrible. Maybe it's because the sleeves extend well past her fingers and down to her knees. Damn, Lucy -- I know how difficult it can be for the shorter-statured yet larger-breasted woman to find a shirt that fits her chest but isn't monstrously large on the rest of her, but I think you can do a little better. Kevin offers to do a bunch of chores for Lucy, saying that he'd "do anything" for her. "That's so sweet," Lucy says condescendingly. She tells Kevin that he is a great husband and she loves being married to him. We also see that she has a hole in her sweater. Way to go, wardrobe department! Just another jewel in your crown of fashion accidents. Kevin smirks. Lucy leaves, and Kevin's smirk turns upside down into a wince as The Soprano Saxophone of Upcoming Bad Conversations plays.
Peter walks into Chandler's office. Chandler is on the phone, but when he sees Peter, he hangs it up. That's great -- now some old lady is going to answer the phone and no one's going to be on the other line and she's going to cry because she's so lonely, and when the phone rang she really thought things were going to change for her, but all she hears is a dial tone and that just reminds her of how alone in this world she really is. Anyway, Peter's saying something about how he thought Chandler might be lonely without Paris around. And Peter was planning on curing Chandler's lack of female companionship how, exactly? Chandler points out that Paris is only going to be gone for one day, so he's not really too broken up about it. Peter says he thought that his mother was just lying to him about going on a one-day business trip and that she was really sneaking away on a scandalous vacation with Chandler. To prove his theory, he was checking to see if Chandler was still in Glenoak. And he is, so Peter was wrong. But he still thinks his mother was lying about the trip. Chandler asks Peter why he would think his mother would lie to him. "Sometimes, parents lie to their kids," Peter replies. Yeah, parents with good family values, maybe, but not my awful heathen parents.
“ The two argue like little children over whether or not Kevin will tell Lucy that his ex is in town. Kevin says he will. Roxanne says he won't. Kevin says he will. Roxanne says he won't. Will. Won't. Will! Won't! Det. Michaels overhears the argument, but decides not to fire them for having a personal discussion at work. ”
RevCam's just getting off the phone when Annie rushes into his office, housecoat tails a-flapping, to report that Matt has escaped from the CamPound. RevCam isn't concerned, and says that he just got off the phone with Martin's aunt, and she's stopping by his office to meet him. Annie gets all hostile about this for absolutely no reason, pointedly stating that it's "about time" they met her and why can't she just walk across the street and knock on their door. I don't know, Annie; perhaps she has the same mysterious affliction that prevented you from walking across the street to meet her?
Richard Lewis offers Matt a piece of his muffin, but Matt says he isn't hungry. This sets Richard off on yet another long ramble about his muffin until Matt points out that eating a piece of muffin won't save his marriage. "It's my marriage -- if I can't fix it, no one can," says Matt. Hey, I can play that game, too! 2, 4, 6, 8, who do we appreciate? And here's my personal favorite cheer clich: Florida oranges, Texas cactus, we play your team just for practice! Oh, the things you learn playing recreational soccer. Richard talks some more. And some more. And. Some. More. He takes fifteen minutes to tell us a story of a time early in his marriage when he and Conehead got in a fight and it lasted four minutes. Matt laughs as if this story were entertaining. I wonder if he would have laughed if Richard told him about that other time he was having problems with Conehead and then sexually assaulted Matt's mother.
Roxanne hands Kevin a message as he enters work. It's from his ex-wife, Mindy, who's in town and waiting to hear back about dinner tonight. Here's hoping that her "bad conversation" with Kevin involves him having herpes! ["Also'Mindy'? For real, where do they get these names?" -- Sars] Kevin tells Roxanne to stay out of it, but she doesn't, since this is the only thing she has to do in this episode, so she's going to milk it for as much screen time as possible, goddammit! The two argue like little children over whether or not Kevin will tell Lucy that his ex is in town. Kevin says he will. Roxanne says he won't. Kevin says he will. Roxanne says he won't. Will. Won't. Will! Won't! Det. Michaels overhears the argument, but decides not to fire them for having a personal discussion at work. Instead, he offers Kevin some advice -- "just say no" to dinner with the ex and leave it at that. Right, since Det. Michaels is the marriage expert, having a failed one of his own.
Roxanne leaves, and Kevin calls Mindy. She's walking along the Promenade, because that's where everyone goes at any and all times of day. She answers her cell and says she's really excited about meeting Lucy and what time will they be picking her up? She invites two people to dinner and then forces them to drive her to it? How rude is that? Also, Mindy is rocking the sweatshirt zipped to just below the boobs style that this show loves and that I hate. Kevin lies that he has a big case and doesn't think he'll be able to make it to dinner. Mindy says that's a bummer, but maybe she can have dinner with just Lucy. Why? Why would she want to, unless it's to warn her that Kevin has herpes? And in a close-up shot of Mindy, by the way, we see that she's about forty-five years old, and when she speaks, she moves her jaw like platinum rapper Fifty Cent, which is to say, not very much. Wait a minute -- is Mindy played by Kaia? She's still more attractive than Lucy. Kevin is an idiot. He tells Mindy he'll call her back. "Great!" Mindy says, then hangs up on him. I thought hanging up on people was just a Camden thing. Don't tell me Brenda's being inconsistent again!
“ We see another shot of her ass, then of RevCam checking it out. What's going on here? Aren't they in church? I don't get religion. ”
Back at the CamPound, Annie is cleaning up breakfast. She tosses a box of what looks like baking soda into SamVid's food cabinet, where she notices the brown paper bag. She takes it out, looks inside it, and then, after way too much time elapses, figures out that it's her broken cookie jar. She walks over to SamVid and asks them if they have anything to tell her. They say no.
Asslee and Martin are in school. Martin says his aunt is acting "funny," based entirely on the fact that she asked him for RevCam's phone number. Asslee says she hopes nothing bad is going on. Martin says he knows it doesn't have anything to do with his father, because he got an email from him this morning. They decide that the aunt must have something "personal" to discuss with RevCam.
And suddenly we're looking at some girl's butt. She walks away from the camera, then turns and walks towards it, and we see that she's in RevCam's office. She asks him to "watch again," and he does. We see another shot of her ass, then of RevCam checking it out. What's going on here? Aren't they in church? I don't get religion. She comes back and says that "they're for luck," by which she means the charm bracelets she's wearing around her knees. RevCam says he does "feel lucky." Then he realizes how that sounds and clarifies that he's lucky to be married to Annie, and that they're about to become grandparents. The girl doesn't care, and starts talking about her charm bracelets and how many she's sold. She's going to be moving on to underwear, which is what she wanted to talk to RevCam about. RevCam says he "couldn't offer [her] much advice on that," since he doesn't wear any. Okay, he didn't say the last part. But now we all have disturbing visuals, don't we? The girl giggles and tells RevCam he's funny. He's funnier than Richard Lewis, anyway. She offers RevCam a sample of her wares. He says he wouldn't wear them. She says she was actually thinking about Ruthie, and hands him a pair of socks with military emblems on them and a knee-bracelet with military-related charms. She says this design is in honor of her brother, and everything she makes from their sale goes to a veteran's charity. Which is why she'd much rather give the military socks out to strangers than, say, the socks she makes money off of. RevCam asks her if her brother's in the military. No, RevCam, he just loves military-themed knee socks and veteran's charities. The girl looks surprised, then asks if Martin told him that his dad is "in the Marines -- in Iraq." Oh my god, what? Is she saying that Martin's dad is in the military and stationed in Iraq? I had no idea! RevCam realizes that the girl is Martin's aunt, and not some lady he was expecting who was scheduled to drop by with some fund-raising ideas. I can understand where the confusion comes from, as Martin's aunt both looks and sounds like a fifteen-year-old, and thus you wouldn't expect her to be the legal guardian of a sixteen-year-old, let alone a successful sock designer. But I don't know why the aunt didn't properly introduce herself to RevCam when she arrived at the office. Did she just walk on in there and start showing off her ass? That's rude. Aunt says that she has to move to New York City for her sock fashion empire, but she wants RevCam to break the news to Martin. She says she isn't very good at communication, especially with a kid, as she has no experience. Couldn't she just talk to herself in the mirror a few times and get some, then?
Kevin enters the CamPound through the unlocked front door, surprising Lucy, who's reading on the couch. Doesn't Lucy have her own apartment for reading? She asks him how he got out of work so early. He says he didn't -- he just skipped out to say hi, and to tell her that he has to work late and will miss dinner. He turns to leave, then stops and tells Lucy that Mindy is in town and she wants to have dinner with them. Lucy scrunches up her face horrifically and asks Kevin if he just lied to her about having to stay at work late. He says he was "thinking about it," but then decided to tell her the truth. Lucy stands up and makes a series of faces and says "wrong answer!" over and over again like she's Alex Trebek or something. Then she storms out of the room. Kevin asks her if this means she doesn't want to go. I think Lucy flips him off, but it's hard to tell. If she did, that's pretty cool.
Lucy storms through the kitchen and out the door, where she runs into Asslee and Martin. Martin asks if RevCam's home. Lucy says he isn't, nor is he having dinner with his ex-wife. Martin and Asslee use the brain cell they share to try to figure that one out. They can't. Ruthie and Peter are also coming home from school. Ruthie asks Peter why he's been acting strangely all day. He says he's been worried about his mother, and he has a bad feeling that she isn't on a business trip. He hopes that wherever she is, she comes back. Ruthie asks Peter why Paris wouldn't come home. "My dad didn't," he says. Well, that's true.
Annie tells SamVid that they should always be honest with her if they do something wrong, because sooner or later, she'll find out anyway. SamVid look at each other, then say, "I ate some soap. Me too. It didn't taste good." Annie smiles at this, and asks if they have anything else to confess. Um, Annie, I know you're upset about your stupid cookie jar or whatever, but don't you think you should say something to your kids about how they shouldn't eat soap or any other household cleaning products ever again, because they could get sick? Then again, we did just see Annie put cleaning products in the twin's food cabinet, so maybe she encourages this behavior. SamVid admit that they hid cookies under their pillows in case of an "emergency." Isn't food hoarding a well-known thing that children do if they've been starved in the past? How telling. Of course, all Annie cares about is that the fact that the kids have a cookie means that they must have had some kind of contact with the goddamn cookie jar. Perhaps, wonders Inspector Annie, they put cookies under their pillows because there was no place in the kitchen to put the cookies? Because there was no cookie jar? Because they broke it?
“ They don't understand how to work underwear, okay? I don't want any more angry emails about how I throw the term 'retarded' around, because the twins. Are. Retarded. They're socially retarded, mentally retarded, and emotionally retarded. ”
Ruthie and Peter walk by. Peter asks Annie how her day was, and she answers that it wasn't "that great." Oh my god, Annie, it's a fucking cookie jar -- get over it, you stupid cow. I'm sorry, that was mean. Well, I'm not really sorry, but that was mean. Ruthie and Peter leave. Annie asks the twins, once and for all, if they broke the cookie jar and then hid the pieces in their food cabinet. They say no, but add that they are wearing two pairs of underwear. Then they lift their shirts and reveal that they are, in fact, wearing two pairs of underwear. Happy growls because this is almost child pornography, and Happy doesn't like child pornography. Annie asks the twins why they decided to double up on the underwear. I think it has something to do with the fact that the CamRents turned off the heat in the twins' bedroom to kill two birds with one stone by saving money and killing off their inconvenient offspring. The twins claim it's because they "forgot to take off last night's underwear, and [they] put on new underwear this morning." Annie tells them to just put a new fresh pair of underwear on tonight and their problems will be solved. They change their underwear every twelve hours? How OCD is that? SamVid point out that the top pair of underwear is clean, and so it can still make it through another twelve-hour cycle. Annie tells them to just start off with a fresh slate, underwear-wise. "Yes ma'am," they reply. Then Annie asks them AGAIN if they broke the fucking cookie jar, and says that she won't be mad at them for it, but she just wants to know because she's a control freak. They say they didn't break the jar. Annie tells them to "think about it." Yes, let's think about it. Let's think about what this scene just told us about the twin's collective level of intelligence. They don't understand how to work underwear, okay? I don't want any more angry emails about how I throw the term "retarded" around, because the twins. Are. Retarded. They're socially retarded, mentally retarded, and emotionally retarded. Oh, and let's also think about the fact that Annie is starving her own children to the point where they feel the need to hide emergency rations under their pillows, and she makes them call her "ma'am." But Annie's not retarded, just crazy.
RevCam and the aunt are hugging as Chandler walks into the office. Aunt leaves, and Chandler smirks until RevCam tells him that she's just "a friend." Then RevCam leaves. Chandler picks up his phone and dials.
Peter and Ruthie are drinking pure white milk when the phone rings. It's Chandler, and he's inviting them both out for pizza. Ruthie begs off, claiming that she has too much homework, and hands the phone to Peter. Since we now have two people involved in a phone conversation, this means that we must endure The Cheesy Split Screen, which pushes its way into existence even though I really thought the 7th Heaven crack special effects team had eliminated this device from their roster. Chandler asks Peter out for pizza and a chat. Peter accepts after asking Chandler various stupid questions about Paris's whereabouts. They say goodbye (!) and hang up. Peter asks Ruthie why she didn't want to go out for pizza; she says she needs to talk to her mother. Also, she's probably been out for pizza with Chandler before and knows that she'll leave that dinner as hungry as the twins usually are. She goes upstairs to do some homework, leaving Peter to tell the empty kitchen that he's going to watch television in the living room.
“ Richard is so upset that he drops his flower bouquet. They should have made the flowers wilt in Richard's hand instead, while playing a sound effect of a slide whistle -- that would have been hilarious. And less cartoonish than most of the stuff that happens on this show. ”
And into the living room he goes, to join Martin and Asslee, who are doing their homework while watching the late-afternoon television fare you'd expect -- a colorized version of the Three Musketeers. That's right -- no "who my baby daddy" episode of Maury for these church-going children. RevCam comes home, looks at the crowd of non-Camdens in his living room, and smiles, because it's just great when other people's kids drive up your electricity bill.
RevCam walks into the kitchen, where he has the misfortune of meeting Annie, who uses her psychic script-reading powers to deduce that RevCam just spent the day with a pretty woman. She claims that the fact that RevCam is smiling led her to think this. Notice how RevCam never smiles when he's around his nasty old wife. RevCam tries to change the subject to the three children sitting in their living room who aren't biologically theirs. He does not mention that there's also a girl sitting upstairs doing her homework who also isn't biologically theirs, but I think that's just because he didn't have time before Annie interrupts him, pressing for more details on the pretty girl. Is she angling for a threesome or something? He says that she's "pretty, and she's tall, and she designs these over-the-knee socks that she modeled for me in my office." Then he takes a healthy swig of his bottled water like he's the man or something. Is it even worth pointing out that the Camdens shouldn't be able to afford individual bottles of water? Probably not. RevCam tells Annie why the aunt (is she going to get a name at some point? Fuck it; I'll just call her "Sally") came to see him, and Annie immediately says that Martin can stay with them until either Sally or Martin's dad -- who's in the military and stationed in Iraq, by the way -- comes back. RevCam tries to deny that the first thing on his mind was keeping his nubile young teenage lover on the West Coast, but then admits that he totally was thinking about the sleeping arrangements for Martin and how close to his bedroom they could be. "We were all thinking that," says Annie, and by "all," who does she mean exactly? Herself, RevCam, and the past-season gourds she has all over the counter? Annie remembers that she hasn't complained in the last three minutes and starts ranting about the twins, the cookie jar, and the invisible Matt.
Richard and Matt are still hanging out. Richard is now holding a bouquet of flowers. He says that he thought PC and Matt were "the most compatible couple of all time." Based on what? Their mutual love of George W. Bush? Because that's the only thing they had in common. Matt says he thought that he and PC were "compatible in every way," which gets Richard's attention. He presses Matt to define "every" way, then rambles on for a while about how they're two grown men and should be able to discuss "it," or "s-e-x." Um, shouldn't they be able to say it first? Matt says he and PC spent all their time together. Maybe too much time, especially since they're under pressure in medical school and all. Hey, Matt, maybe you should have considered the fact that medical school is a little intense before you decided you wanted to share the experience with a wife who's a veritable stranger. Richard says he's sure everything will work out. Then Matt says he's leaving medical school, and Richard is so upset that he drops his flower bouquet. They should have made the flowers wilt in Richard's hand instead, while playing a sound effect of a slide whistle -- that would have been hilarious. And less cartoonish than most of the stuff that happens on this show.
“ The twins ask if anyone would like to see their 'underwears' before they go. Everyone laughs politely and tries not to sound too concerned about the twin's obvious, and numerous, developmental disorders. ”
Evening at Glenoak PD Blue. Det. Michaels swings by Kevin's desk and informs him that he has taken it upon himself to solve all of Kevin's problems by assigning him to work an extra shift tonight. Kevin tries to get out of it, since extra work extra sucks, but Det. Michaels isn't having that; nor is he very pleased with Kevin for lying to Lucy and considering having dinner with his ex. Yeah, um, Det. Michaels? You might want to think about minding your own damn business. And probably look into getting yourself a life.
RevCam comes into the living room and asks Asslee to give Annie a hand with the dinner she and Martin just invited themselves over to partake of. Martin and RevCam make small talk about Sally; then Martin says, apropos of nothing, that moving to Glenoak has worked out really well for him so far. Yes, if by "really well," he means that no one in school likes him because of his undying love for the unpopular principal and the fact that he has a girlfriend who closely resembles a bobble-head doll (and not in a good way), then yes, it certainly has. RevCam breaks the news that Sally wants to move to New York, and asks Martin how he feels about this. "I feel betrayed and angry," Martin says, managing to sound like he feels neither of these emotions. Way to act, Tyler Hoechlin. RevCam says they might be able to figure out an "alternative," like living at the CamPound, seeing as they "certainly have room" for him. No, they don't! They have six people living there regularly, and two married children, one of whom is pregnant, who come home and visit way too frequently. And then there's Simon, who presumably comes home and lives at the CamPound during school breaks, and Peter and Asslee, who seem to sleep over on a semi-regular basis. Not to mention that SamVid should be fast approaching the age when they want separate bedrooms. And if they really want to be charitable and open their house up to the less fortunate, shouldn't they have started with, like, the girl who got molested by her own father two episodes ago? Or her brother? And when is that PCS lady going to stop by the CamPound and rescue SamVid? This goddamn show, I hate it.
Annie's walking the twins out of the bathroom, which leads to many questions. Such as "what were they all doing in there?" or "can't the twins go to the bathroom individually?" as well as "do they really, at four years old, still need their mother to help them use the toilet?" They meet up with Asslee, who says she set the table and asks if there's anything else she can do. Ruthie comes along and orders Asslee to walk the twins downstairs. The twins ask if anyone would like to see their "underwears" before they go. Everyone laughs politely and tries not to sound too concerned about the twin's obvious, and numerous, developmental disorders. Asslee leads them downstairs. Annie starts ranting about her stupid fucking cookie jar and how the twins won't confess to breaking it. Ruthie makes some faces. Annie asks what she wants; Ruthie says she just wanted to ask Annie to talk to Peter about his abandonment issues, but now that she thinks about it, he may not want anyone else to know, so maybe Annie shouldn't say anything. Way to use your boyfriend's semi-legitimate, and fairly serious, fears to cover up for your cookie jar breaking spree, you evil troll. Ruthie walks away, leaving Annie to make a "suspicious" face. She kind of looks like The Joker.