In order to recap this movie, I had to purchase a copy of it from Wal-Mart, which sucked. I mean, the fact that I had to buy it didn't suck -- it was really cheap, so that was no problem. But the fact that I had to actually be seen purchasing a copy of The Babysitter's Seduction -- that sucked. I tried to be all inconspicuous about it and not attract any attention to my horrible-movie-buying self in the store, but I couldn't find any copies, so I had to ask a salesperson to help me. I was all, "Uh…yeah…I'm looking for a DVD." "What's it called?" he asked, looking up. I realized that he was a kid I knew from high school. "[sigh] It's called The Babysitter's Seduction." He said nothing, so I decided to clarify. "Um…I'm only buying it so I can review it, for my job…like, I'm getting paid to watch it, okay? It's not like I, you know, want a copy for myself or anything…heh heh heh." Anyway, he totally didn't care and directed me to look in the bargain bin, which was supposed to have one copy of the movie left. Of course, the bargain bin is huge and really tall, so I (not being the tallest person around, possibly even at a midget conference. It should be said, however, that I am not the shortest person at a TWoP conference. That honor goes to the nice woman who recaps the show that airs after mine, although she'll deny it if you ask her) had to bend over so that my feet were lifted off the ground to search through it, and I started sifting through this mass of, like, tens of DVDs, looking for the sole copy of The Babysitter's Seduction. Plus, I hadn't eaten dinner that night, so I was pretty hungry. After a while, some people took pity on me and kindly offered to assist me in my search, except that that would mean that they would have to know what I was looking for, which was unacceptable. Finally, the salesperson I knew from high school took pity on me and helped and he was pretty tall, so he could actually reach the bottom of the bargain bin, which was where the DVD was, and he found it and gave it to me. And then I bought it and charged it to my credit card because I didn't have enough cash on me, so now everyone at Bank One knows that I purchased a copy of The Babysitter's Seduction too.
And the DVD I got, after all that, is so budget. The case claims that the film is a "true story," which the actual movie never dares to say, because it would be such a huge lie. Plus, it has the tagline: "She was hired to watch over the kids. But who was going to watch over her." Now, that should end in a question mark, but they obviously didn't have the money to spend on the extra ink, so they just gave it a period. And then the DVD claims to have "Keri Russell bonus features," but when you click on it, it just has her filmography and some "trivia," like, did you know that Keri Russell starred in the video for Bon Jovi's "Always"? No, of course you didn't. Because you don't care. And did you know that Keri Russell once dated Scott Speedman, but is now dating Patrick Dempsey? It's true, according to this crappy "Lifetime True Stories" DVD. Oh, plus, the back of the case totally gives the entire story away. So I hope you really like this recap and that it's worth all the pain and humiliation I went through to write it.
We begin in a pool. Stephen Collins gets above-the-title billing, but Keri "Felicity" Russell and Phylicia "Clair Huxtable" Rashad have to settle for seeing their names after the title. I can understand why Felicity would get post-title billing, as this was made before Felicity, but I think Clair needs to get herself a new agent. A new agent who won't put her in bad TV movies. We go inside a bedroom, where Felicity is chatting to a friend on the phone about Homecoming. Apparently, the friend's date is refusing to pick her up and drive her to the dance. Felicity's advice to her friend is that she tell her date to either drive her to the dance, or they won't go at all. "Ominous" "music" consisting of three synthesizer notes plays. Felicity hears a noise and hangs up on her friend, saying that her employers are home so she has to go. She straightens out the sheets on her employers' bed so they won't know that she just spent the entire night lying on it instead of watching their children, then rushes downstairs. The words "Music by Jan Hammer" pop up on the screen. Whoa, seriously? Jan "Miami Vice" Hammer is doing the music for this movie? I thought he died the second 1990 started. This is going to be AWESOME. There's no sign of her employers downstairs, so Felicity searches around the house, which you know is a high-class place because there's wood paneling on the walls of every room. Suspense is intensified as twinkly chimes get integrated into the ominous music. And by "intensified," I of course mean "obliterated," because twinkly chimes do not instill a sense of imminent danger in anyone. Felicity walks down a hall and notices that a full-length window is open. Now she's really freaked out, so she goes to the kitchen and picks up the phone to call the police. Suddenly, some guy jumps up behind her. She screams, then smiles and calls him a jerk. Crisis averted, I guess, although there does seem to be a crisis of a different sort going on: Felicity's boyfriend has a bad case of Bard Hair. Bard Hair is what happens when someone with a high hairline, be it naturally so or due to frontal baldness, grows his hair long and then brushes it back, so that it looks like Shakespeare's hair in one of those paintings of him. Felicity's boyfriend has some wicked Bard Hair going on.
Now Felicity and Bardo, changed into swimsuits, are standing by an in-ground pool. Felicity dives in, then surfaces in a Dead Man's Float. Bardo looks nervous, then jumps in to rescue her, because it's perfectly reasonable that an able-bodied teenager would jump into a pool and then instantly die. Bardo turns her over and she says "gotcha!" They splash each other.
Hair now totally dry, which is pretty impressive when one considers that Felicity's hair is down to her ass and so should take about a half a day to dry out, Felicity finally remembers that she's not getting paid to have sex with her boyfriend in the pool, and checks on the two children. They sleep. Bardo walks up and makes a comment about how Felicity's employers have the perfect family. He was being sarcastic, but Felicity totally thinks it's true. Bardo sits on the master bed and asks Felicity what Bill "RevCam" Bartrand does for such a nice living. I'm not exactly sure how the last name is spelled, since the DVD case claims it's "Bertrand," but everyone in the film pronounces it "Bartrand." ["The IMDb also claims it's 'Bartrand.'" -- Sars] Felicity says he "makes money -- lots of it." I want that job. Felicity calls Bardo into the walk-in closet, where she's taken off all her clothes except her bikini bottom. She's holding one of Mrs. Bartrand's dresses in front of her, and wants to know what Bardo thinks of that as a homecoming dress. Bardo finds a price tag and says that the dress, at almost five hundred dollars, is a little too expensive. Mrs. Bartrand may be rich, but she's still tacky enough to leave a price tag on a dress. Felicity says she would "love to live like this." We hear a car-driving-up sound effect that is way too loud to be realistic, and Felicity freaks out that her employers are home and Bardo needs to skedaddle.
RevCam and his wife are sitting in a convertible outside, looking glum. The wife gets out of the car and walks inside. She meets a now fully-dressed Felicity in the foyer and tells her that RevCam is waiting outside to drive her home, and they'll see her tomorrow. Felicity hops in the car. RevCam has some bad hair going on here. Not Bard Hair, but still pretty bad. It's like a mullet/pompadour/mohawk. A mullpahawk, if you will. See, the front looks like a mohawk because RevCam has that ridiculously long widow's peak, and his hair has been all fluffed up, so it's kind of a pompadour-esque mohawk. And his hair is long in the back and kind of mullet-y. Not as bad as Chandler's mullet, though. RevCam and Felicity drive away, and we see that he has Florida plates. I wonder if Jan Hammer only works for shows and movies that take place in Florida. As they drive away, Bardo comes out from behind the front hedge (nice hiding spot there, champ) and stares at them. They haven't even left the driveway yet, and RevCam could totally see him if he looked in the rearview mirror. I don't think old Bardo is too smart.
In the car, RevCam asks Felicity what year of high school she's in. She says she's a senior. He asks about college. She says she'll probably go to "State" unless she gets a scholarship. Ah, State. I hear it has a really good teaching program. RevCam says that Felicity must be a good student. I don't know what in Felicity's behavior would indicate that, but whatever. Felicity says she's going for an athletic scholarship; she's on the swim team, and she's been competing ever since she was a child, if anyone cares. RevCam asks her what her plans are after college. Felicity says she doesn't know. RevCam lectures her that she has to "set goals" for herself, and asks if she has any goals. She says she doesn't. "Yes, you do," RevCam says, because he apparently has the ability to read minds in this movie. Maybe the movie will be more interesting now. Felicity says she would like to live like he does. RevCam says that it's not what you have; it's who you share it with. Felicity says his wife is pretty lucky. "Thank you," says RevCam. "I'll tell you a little secret though: I'm the lucky one." Jan Hammer presses a few buttons on his keyboard and collects another paycheck. The convertible pulls up to Felicity's house, which is a surprisingly large, nice-looking, two-story deal, considering that the DVD case claimed that Felicity was from the "poorer side of town." It's bigger than the house I grew up in, and we weren't poor. This movie is stupid. Felicity says goodnight to RevCam, then watches the car drive away.
Now we're at Felicity's high school. She disembarks from a school bus and greets her friend, who looks like a less-attractive Jennifer Garner. The friend says she took the advice Felicity gave her last night about demanding an escort to Homecoming, and now she doesn't have a date to the dance. "No way!" says Felicity, then: "Tracy, I am so sorry. Do you hate me?" I used to talk to my girlfriends like that, too. When I was eleven. Tracy says she doesn't hate Felicity, and they hug.
A golf cart drives by, because it's a new scene and we're at a golf club. RevCam walks into the course restaurant and introduces his playing partner, "the once-great Detective O'Keefe," to a nearby waiter. The once-great Detective O'Keefe and RevCam sit at a table. RevCam basks in the glow of golf victory until the once-great Detective O'Keefe changes the subject and asks RevCam what he's getting Sally, his wife, for her birthday. RevCam says he won't tell, because then O'Keefe will tell "Norma," and Norma will tell Sally. All he'll say is that he thinks Sally is going to love it. Yes, getting shot in the face is a pretty great gift. O'Keefe says that Norma always gets depressed on her birthdays. RevCam gets real interested in that, and says that Sally gets depressed too. Detective Brilliant Observation says that he thinks it has something to do with "age." RevCam thinks Sally's depressed and moody because she wants another baby. "Are you guys trying?" O'Keefe asks, way too curious. "Every chance we get," RevCam says. Ew.
Felicity plays dominos with the Bartrand children until Sally walks in, wearing the dress Felicity tried on before. She asks how she looks, because her two young children and their babysitter make excellent fashion consultants. They all agree that she looks great, but they're lying, because that dress be ugly. RevCam runs in with a handful of red roses and apologizes for being late. He takes everyone outside to give Sally her birthday present. Felicity comes too, since paying a babysitter to hang out with the fam makes sense. They all go outside, where's there's a Range Rover with a bow on it. "Do you like it?" RevCam asks. "Does it matter?" Sally says. What an ungrateful bitch! I'm glad she dies later. RevCam asks the kids if they want to take Mommy's new car to dinner. Sally says she made reservations at a fancy restaurant for just the two of them. RevCam says he cancelled them because he thought she would rather go out with her family. Sally says fine, and leaves to change into something more casual. Felicity laughs and probably wonders if she's still going to get paid for babysitting tonight since her charges just went out with their parents.
It's the a new day, I guess, and Sally is telling Felicity the children's' schedules. They have tennis and music lessons. RevCam walks over and announces his imminent departure. Sally asks if he's going to be too early for his plane. There's no such thing as being "too early" for a flight. Trust me; as someone who has thought she was leaving for the airport early and almost missed her plane, I know this is true. RevCam's cell phone rings. He does the usual shouting-into-the-phone-to-communicate thing that all cell phone users seem to do, then passes it off to Sally, telling her that it's some family friends, and to plan their dinner "at the club." Felicity's boobs walk into the camera as she leaves the house, followed by RevCam and the kids.
We're poolside, where Felicity, the best babysitter ever, has placed her chaise lounge so that it faces opposite the pool, assuring that she won't even accidentally do any supervising. Oh, it turns out that the kids are at tennis lessons, not swimming. Felicity walks over to the courts and asks the tennis instructor, "Doreen" (way to give a twenty-something women my nanny's name, screenplay writer), if she can watch the kids while Felicity runs back to their house to get something she forgot. Doreen the Doormat says sure.
Felicity drives back to the house, where RevCam is leaving a message on the answering machine: "Hi, it's me, I'm in the car on the way to the airport…" Felicity looks for Sally, saying she forgot to bring the music lesson books. Sally's not around, so Felicity finds the books and goes. On her way out of the kitchen, she turns to grab the car keys, at which point she notices legs poking out from behind the kitchen island. Danger music plays. Is that a basket full of oranges on their counter? How impractical; there's no way they can eat them before they go bad. Oh, right: the movie. Something that's supposed to be exciting is happening now, so I guess I should get back to it. Felicity walks over to the legs and realizes that they are attached to Sally, who has a gun in her hand and a very neat gunshot wound on her forehead. Oh, and she's dead, in case you couldn't tell. Felicity gasps, like, seven times. Synthesized drums play, and they are so cheesy that I start laughing.
The police have arrived, and some guy is taking pictures of poor dead Sally. No one mentions how she managed to shoot herself in the head but still leave herself looking good enough for an open-coffin funeral. Clair takes a seat to Felicity on the couch. She introduces herself: "I'm Detective Jacobs, and I'm not going to ask you how you're doing right now, 'cause I can imagine not so good." Yes, only someone as experienced in observation and deduction as a police detective would be able to figure that out.
We suddenly cut to an old lady descending in an old freight elevator. We realize that the elevator is actually in the house, but we still don't know who this lady is. She calls out for "Frank," RevCam's friend from the golf club. He runs over and gives her a hug. I guess she's Norma? Hey, Frank is played by 24's EvilChrisElliott! Although here, he looks more like a DumpyChristopherWalken.
Back on the couch, Phylicia is still not asking Felicity how she's doing. Frank and Norma walk in; Frank introduces her as RevCam's mother. I guess I was wrong. NotNorma says that the children want to see Felicity; Felicity walks the suddenly feeble NotNorma out of the room and into the hall. Frank asks Clair what happened. Clair says it looks like a suicide, although they haven't found a note. Meanwhile, NotNorma moves so slowly that Felicity and she are still hanging out right outside the door, so, way to reveal confidential information there, Clair.
RevCam is in the back seat of a car, his eyes filled with tears. As he pretty much looks like this in every episode of 7th Heaven, it has little emotional impact on me. The car drives up to RevCam's house, and he and Frank get out. "Now, the couple days are going to be real rough for you," Frank says to RevCam, as Frank's deductive reasoning skills are about as good as his partner's. Speaking of his partner, Clair, who was apparently driving the car, gets out and answers a phone call. She hangs up and walks over to Frank and RevCam. She tells Frank that she just heard that the gun that was in Sally's hand was not registered. Again, way to divulge confidential case information in front of a non-police officer. She asks him if he knew Sally had a gun. RevCam says that Sally hated guns, and would never have brought one in the house with the children there. Then he sort of collapses, and Frank gives him a hug while he sobs. RevCam has more chemistry with Frank than he ever did Annie.
Felicity's in her own bed in her own house for a change. Her mother comes into the bedroom and says there's someone here to see her. Clair walks in, and Felicity's mom leaves. If my daughter was getting questioned by a police detective in her bedroom, I would probably stick around, but maybe that's how they do it on The Wrong Side of the Tracks. Clair says she has some questions for Felicity, then notices some shiny trophies on her dresser. "You're a swimmer!" she exclaims. The Easily Distracted Clair Huxtable, ladies and gentlemen! Finally, she remembers why she's there and starts asking Felicity about some "loose ends." First, she asks what RevCam meant when he said, on the answering machine message, that things had been "crazy" that morning. "Crazy how?" Clair asks. Felicity says that it was usual family stuff, nothing like Sally saying that she was going to kill herself as soon as the house was empty. Clair asks if Sally seemed happy to Felicity. Felicity says yes, and her opinion means something, because she's a qualified psychiatrist who's been working with Sally for a long time. Or a high school girl who's been babysitting for a few months. Same difference. Felicity says that Sally had a "great life" and everything she wanted. True: rich people never kill themselves.
Clair and Frank are hanging out at the funeral reception. Frank says he's known RevCam since their high school football days. RevCam walks up and Clair says her condolences, then: "I realize that this might not be the most appropriate time, but was your wife under psychiatric care?" Frank's like, "Clair! Shut it!" but RevCam says it's okay and he'll answer her questions. Clair asks why Sally wasn't under psychiatric care, as the autopsy showed that she had an anti-depressant in her system, a kind that makes some "users" prone to "wild mood swings." "Users"? It's an anti-depressant, not crack. RevCam stands there with his mouth open, leading Clair to ask if RevCam knew Sally was taking anti-depressants. RevCam says he obviously didn't, idiot. Frank whisks RevCam away from his rude-ass co-worker.
A car comes tearing into a palm-tree lined parking lot, and a guy gets out. Clair, now wearing her fourth outfit of the movie, tells a police officer at the desk that she has to go home because her dog is "more demanding than [her] ex-husband was. He was always asking me to bring him pudding pops." She may not have said that last sentence. The man from the car comes running into the station, saying he needs to speak to someone about Sally. Clair volunteers herself. "I'm Paul Richards," the man says, to the beats of Jan Hammer's overused drum machine. "I was Sally's lover."
We get an establishing shot of some tall buildings over a river for about five minutes, then see RevCam and Frank on the balcony of one of the buildings. RevCam gives Frank a bottle of pills, saying he found it in his wife's closet and it might be the anti-depressants they're looking for. Rocking a bright blue suit, Frank sniffs one of the pills and says he'll have it checked out. Then he asks RevCam if he knows a guy named Paul Richards. RevCam says he doesn't. Frank says that a man named Paul Richards is claiming to have been Sally's lover, was out of town when Sally died, and just found out about it now. He's also claiming that Sally was about to leave RevCam. RevCam turns around and grips the balcony railing. Hey, Frank: do you think you might, in the future, wait until you're not to the edge of a tall building to tell someone his wife was cheating on him? Just a thought. Frank says he's sorry, and he wanted to be the one to tell RevCam, not someone else. Like Clair, who probably would have walked into one of RevCam's kids' birthday parties, set fire to all the presents, and then loudly announced that Sally was having an affair within earshot of the kids. Because that's the kind of tactful gal Clair is.
And we're at Felicity's high school. She's in typing class with Bardo and Tracy. Some girl looks up and asks Felicity if Sally was "just lying there, all bloody, when [Felicity] found her?" I wouldn't call her "all bloody," considering she only had, like, a speck of blood where the gunshot wound was supposed to be. But Felicity says yes because everyone likes to tell a good story. The girl asks Felicity if she's going to still work there. Felicity says she doesn't know, but she really feels bad for the kids. Bardo manages to tear himself away from Mavis Beacon to order Felicity not to baby-sit anymore.
Now Felicity is sitting in a fancy-schmancy restaurant. RevCam comes in and sits down, apologizing for being late. He takes a napkin and puts it on his lap; Felicity follows suit. See, she's from The Wrong Side of the Tracks, where they don't practice good table manners, so she has to learn by observing. RevCam whines about how sad he is about his wife being dead and stuff. Felicity asks about the kids; RevCam says they're okay. "Mommy who?" they often say. RevCam asks Felicity how she's doing. Felicity says that Homecoming is coming up at her school (no, really? That's the first we've heard about this "Homecoming dance") and everyone's trying to get dates. RevCam says he's sure that's not a problem for her. Is this "the babysitter's seduction"? It's about damn time. Not that I actually want to see it, but if a movie's going to advertise itself as being about a guy seducing his babysitter, then we really shouldn't have to wait until the first third of the movie is over to actually see it start to happen. RevCam gets down to brass tacks: his mom is leaving soon, and he could really use someone to help with the kids. I find it hard to believe that that feeble old lady who couldn't even climb stairs was able to take care of children, but okay. Felicity tells him to give her a call; she's "available."
Felicity's at RevCam's house, looking through a photo album. Ah, memories of the times a family that isn't yours spent together, without you. How interesting. RevCam enters and asks if the kids are in bed, then takes a seat to Felicity and looks at the photo album. "I keep asking myself why I didn't see how much pain she was in," he says, while Felicity sits there like, "Well, this just got awkward." She puts a comforting arm on his shoulder. He tells her to come outside; he has a surprise for her. Felicity giggles. Outside, RevCam tells Felicity that he wants her to use the "new car" -- the Range Rover that used to be poor dead Sally's -- to drive the kids around. He hands her the keys and tells her to press a button on them. She does, and the car alarm chirps. Felicity laughs like this is the coolest thing ever.
Felicity's haggard old mother takes the trash outside and notices a new Range Rover in her driveway. Hey, hold up -- RevCam said he wanted Felicity to drive the kids around in the car, not that he wanted her to take it home with her. Anyway, Felicity's mom is all, "FELICITY!!!" We cut to a pubescent boy running around the car and saying how great it is. Hello, pubescent boy. Thanks for entering this movie without any sort of introduction. He's actually supposed to be Jeff, Felicity's brother. Felicity's mom says it's unbelievable, and that her daughter is eighteen years old and doesn't need to be driving a Range Rover. Jeff asks for a ride to school. Felicity and Jeff jump in the car. Felicity's mom claims that the car costs twice as much as she makes in a year, which is a blatant lie since I know that nurses can make pretty good bank, up to fifty dollars an hour if they work at the right place. Felicity's mom must be lazy. She tells Felicity to be careful; Felicity shows off her careful skills by screeching her tires as she pulls out of the driveway.
Felicity pulls up at school and shows off her new wheels. Tracy thinks the Range Rover is great; Bardo, not so much. He wants to know what Felicity gave RevCam for him to give this to her. Tracy jumps in the car and raves about how it even has a phone. I'm beginning to think that this movie was written in 1985. Felicity and Bardo fight some more, and then he leaves. "What's his problem?" Felicity asks Tracy. "I don't know, but this thing is bad!" Tracy says. She's cool.
Clair is back, and she's wearing yet another new sensible pantsuit. She's on her way out of the station until Frank asks her where she's going. She says she's going to her house to let her dog out. Does Clair ever work? She lazier than Felicity's mom. Frank's all, "You treat that dog better than you treat me!" Clair says that her dog "does more" for her than Frank does. I don't want to know what that's about, but I really hope that peanut butter isn't involved. Clair says she left the lab results from Sally's autopsy on Frank's desk. He asks her if everything checked out. She says it didn't, actually, then walks away. Hey, should Frank really be working on a case involving his best friend like that? Frank calls out to her across the parking lot and asks her what she means. Clair yells back that Sally had no gunpowder residue on her hand. Any and all of the bikini-clad women (I know, I thought this was supposed to be television for women) walking around those two could hear this. Frank and Clair seriously need to take a few lessons on preserving confidentiality. Frank says that the gunpowder tests aren't always one hundred percent conclusive. Clair says that Sally was murdered, and does Frank want to tell RevCam or should she? If he's within a half mile of those two, then he already knows, doesn't he?
In a gazebo on the water, RevCam, Felicity, and RevCam's kids are fishing. The kids are wearing life vests, which seems a little overprotective, but whatever. RevCam notices Frank walking over to them and excuses himself. RevCam asks Frank what's up, putting a hand on Frank's cheek. That's not your typical straight male friendly gesture. Frank tells RevCam about the new lab results. He says he still thinks it's a suicide, but Clair wants to investigate. They'll have to look at everyone, like the lover, the husband, and the babysitter. "Felicity?" RevCam says. Frank says Felicity had access to the house, and maybe she was stealing something when Sally surprised her. And Felicity responded by shooting her in the face with a gun she happened to have in her hand? Okay, Frank. RevCam says Frank is wrong about Felicity. Frank tells RevCam not to be so trusting.
Establishing shot of an ugly-ass bright blue bridge. Clair (sensible pantsuit costume change count: 6) walks by a boat. Paul Richards suddenly peeks his head over the deck of the boat and calls down to her: "It wasn't suicide, was it?" Clair seems surprised to see him. Are we supposed to think that that was an amazing coincidence, that she was walking by the very boat owned by one of her suspects? Paul Richards walks down to the dock and pulls Clair onto his boat. He says this is where he and Sally usually met, because it was safe from RevCam, who she was "scared to death" of. Suddenly, Paul has a drink in his hand. Nice continuity. Clair asks Paul if Sally was seeing a psychiatrist; he says that RevCam would never allow that. He's a control freak; he demanded that Sally have another child when she said she wanted to work again now that her kids were in school. Paul says that Sally thought that RevCam even went so far as to have her followed, and she told Paul it was "too dangerous" to see him because of that. Clair asks if that means that Paul got dumped. Paul says no, the break-up was just temporary. Clair says that no one saw Paul in West Palm the morning that Sally died. Paul says that he didn't like the speaker, so he took a walk on the beach. His work was paying him to go on a business trip and he was skipping the conferences? That's kind of asshole. Paul suddenly figures out that Clair is insinuating that he killed Sally, and gets all indignant. "I'm the one who told you she was going to leave him!" Paul says. "But she left you," Clair sasses back. Then they stare at each other and wait for the director to yell cut.
Paul calls various private detective agencies, pretending to be RevCam and asking them if they have his case. Finally, he gets an agency with the stupidest receptionist ever, who's all, "Oh, hey, RevCam, it's me, Susie!" Paul asks for a copy of his report and any photos it has, saying that he lost his copy. Stupid Susie says it's been archived, so she'll "modem it over to [his] computer." "Modem"? I was not aware that that was a verb. Maybe it was…in 1985! Paul tells Susie to go ahead and modem that file to him, turning on his computer, which is to his refrigerator. Smart furniture placement there, Paul. It will be so much more fun using your computer with the ever-present hum of the refrigerator screaming into your ear. Susie suddenly remembers that she works at a private detective agency and should be a little more clandestine, and asks Paul for the case number. He stammers that he left the case number at the office and hangs up. I'm so glad we get to watch Paul trying to solve this case. The suspect-to-detective ratio was getting a little high.
At high school, Tracy is whining to Felicity that she can't believe Felicity ditched her and their homecoming shopping plans. Felicity says she has to watch the kids, and anyway, Tracy doesn't have a date to Homecoming, so why would she need a dress? Clair walks up (SPCCC: 7). Felicity introduces Tracy to Clair, telling Tracy that Clair is a cop. "Oh," says Tracy, slowly sliding away. Ha! I'll bet Tracy has weed on her. Clair informs Felicity that Sally was murdered, then carefully observes Felicity's reaction to the news.
Felicity runs by RevCam's secretary and bursts into his office. She tells RevCam that she can't work for him anymore, now that his wife got murdered. RevCam says that Clair is the only person who thinks that Sally was murdered, while everyone else knows that she killed herself. Felicity totally buys it. RevCam gives her a hug. Felicity wonders why Clair would think that Sally was murdered. RevCam says it's probably because she can't believe that someone who had everything would kill herself. Or because SHE HAS EVIDENCE. "As for quitting," RevCam says, "I won't allow it." Felicity smiles as if what he just said was charming. He asks her to make dinner tonight, and then they can eat and talk when he gets home from work and the kids are in bed. How romantic and seductive of him to ask her to make him some dinner. Felicity leaves, and RevCam asks his secretary to get a woman named "Diane Watts" on the phone.
Later that night, Felicity has set RevCam's table for two and is putting the finishing touches on dinner. RevCam comes in and looks surprised, then says he forgot that he was having dinner with her tonight. A blonde lady walks in behind him, and he introduces Diane to Felicity. What was that about? I don't know.
Some time later, Felicity is lying on RevCam's bed, staring at the most awkwardly posed family photo ever -- RevCam and Sally are each holding a child and their backs are to each other. It's very symbolic. Felicity wanders into Sally's walk-in closet and takes that ugly, expensive dress off the hanger. Then she opens a jewelry box and puts on a diamond necklace. Suddenly, we see her reflection in a mirror, and she's wearing the dress and the necklace. She admires herself for a while. RevCam comes up behind her and watches, until Felicity realizes he's there and turns around, startled. Considering that even we at home could see RevCam approaching in the mirror, as well as hear his footsteps, it makes no sense that she didn't know he was there. She starts apologizing to RevCam, but there's really not much one can say to make things better in this particular situation. RevCam tells her she looks beautiful, and he's the one who's sorry, for hurting her tonight. Then they make out. Ew. Ew. EW! There are all these dissolves and it's so nasty and then RevCam pushes her up against the wall and runs his fingers through her gigantic hair. Then he pulls away and says that he already made one mistake tonight and he doesn't wants to make another one. I'd say the second mistake was made the second RevCam started kissing his babysitter, but apparently not.
RevCam is on the phone with Frank. He tells him that he just caught Felicity going through Sally's stuff and wearing one of her dresses. "Aw, man!" Frank says, sounding more than a little bit jealous that he wasn't there to see it. He thanks RevCam for calling him, because now he has more fuel for his masturbation fantasies.
Back at Paul's houseboat, Paul is looking in a file called "Business Directory," which lists such businesses as "Laura's Jeans," "Laundra's Laptops," and "Jeffrey's Tubes." Those may be some of the worst business names ever, although not as bad as "Colon Party Shop," which I once saw on a local turnpike. Paul finds a listing for RevCam's company and clicks on it. The webpage for RevCam's company pops onto the screen. "Yes! I'm in!" says Paul. He must have AOL, where every time you click on something and you don't get cut off, it's cause for celebration. Paul looks for files with the name of RevCam's private detective agency. There aren't any. Paul looks sad, then says, "The son of a bitch has it at home."
The Mansion on the Wrong Side of the Tracks. Felicity is dolling herself up for a long day of hot babysitting action when her haggard old mother asks her to drop Jeff off at his game. Felicity says she can't, because she'll be interviewing housekeepers for RevCam today. "Exactly what do you know about housekeeping?" Haggard Mom asks. "Who do you think runs that house, Mother?" asks Felicity. Rich people call their parents "mother" and "father," not like we poor folk, who call them "mom" and "dad." Or those prairie folk who call them "ma" and "pa," which was a phase I went through when I read The Little House on the Prairie series in fourth grade. Haggard Mom asks Felicity why she's wearing heels to baby-sit. Felicity says she doesn't want to look like "some teenager." She wants to look like a teenager who's trying to screw her boss. Felicity leaves. Haggard Mom giggles strangely. I didn't think that was very funny, but some people have odd senses of humor.
Felicity drives the Range Rover into RevCam's driveway. Paul watches from his inconspicuous location of being parked directly perpendicular to the end of the driveway. Inside, Felicity assures RevCam that she has everything under control. "The skirt's a keeper, yes?" RevCam says. I guess that was supposed to be seductive. Back outside, RevCam drives his convertible out of the driveway. After he's well past Paul's car, Paul turns his head away to avoid suspicion. I think Paul might actually be a worse detective than Clair or Frank.
Speaking of, Clair (SPCCC: 8) is waiting for RevCam at his office. She says she's glad he finally called her, because she's been trying to get in touch with him for a while now. "I left so many messages," she whines, like she's his scorned lover or something. RevCam asks Clair to please understand that it's been hard for him to return phone calls, what with trying to get over his wife being dead and all, but he called her to ask her not to bother "the help." Oh, please. Your "help" has a staff of one, and she's not even full-time.
RevCam's son answers the door. Paul's there. "You're a guy!" the kid says. "So are you," Paul says. Genders confirmed, the boy expresses surprise that a guy would want to be a housekeeper. Ah, pre-assigned gender roles. Aren't they great? Paul says he does, and gets invited into the house.
Clair asks RevCam about his marriage. RevCam says he and Sally were "happier than most." Clair says the neighbors heard them fighting a lot, especially lately. RevCam says that Sally had been acting odd and having mood swings, which he now thinks were caused by the anti-depressants. He says that married people do fight occasionally in the real world. "But they don't all take lovers," says Clair, thinking she's in a Jane Austen novel. She asks RevCam if he killed his wife because she found a new man. "Yeah, that was totally the reason -- d'oh! Clair, you tricked me!" says RevCam. Actually, no, he just asks her if she's done because he has a lot of work to do.
Felicity finishes an interview with a potential housekeeper, who addresses her as "Mrs. Bartrand." RevCam's daughter overhears, and gets upset that Felicity is letting people think she's her mother. Felicity sits the girl down on the couch and tells her that it's hard to explain. Fortunately, the girl has other questions, like where is the guy Felicity was supposed to interview. Felicity looks alarmed.
Paul's in RevCam's home office, modeming some information over to his houseboat computer. Felicity comes in and asks Paul what he's doing. Paul tries to pretend he's an interviewee for the maid position and was just looking around to see how much cleaning he would have to do, but Felicity starts to reach for the phone to call the police. Paul starts telling the truth; he was Sally's lover and he's trying to prove that RevCam killed her. Felicity screams at him to get out of the house.
RevCam is yelling at Frank over the phone that he wants a restraining order on Paul right away. Felicity listens from a nearby room. RevCam does some more shouting, then hangs up the phone. Right before he does, we see that his finger was on the hook this whole time; he was only pretending to talk to Frank and get a restraining order. The plot, it thickens. RevCam walks over to Felicity and puts on a manly display of aggression by punching the wall. Felicity asks RevCam if Sally really did kill herself. RevCam says that the police don't think so anymore. Felicity doesn't understand why Paul would say that RevCam did it, or what he was looking for on RevCam's computer. RevCam says he doesn't know either; the computer was Sally's and there wasn't much on it, since she never learned how to use it. Because it's 1985, when most people didn't use computers. RevCam says Frank just told him that Paul killed Sally, and the police will be arresting him soon. RevCam offers to let Felicity stay at his house so he can take care of her. Felicity says that sounds just great.
RevCam runs up to his computer, where the "File Transfer Log" is still on the screen. RevCam sits back and chews on his fingers.
It's nighttime in Paul's houseboat, and he's asleep. Suddenly, a huge gun barrel enters the frame, pointed at Paul's face. "Wake up, sleepyhead," singsongs RevCam. Paul wakes up, notices the gun, and inhales sharply. He does not scream, which is what I would have done. RevCam says he just wants to meet the man who stole his wife. Paul gets all indignant and says that he did not steal Sally -- RevCam lost her. This is probably not the right time to argue over semantics, Paul. RevCam asks Paul if he wants to "go play on the computer."
Paul gets shoved into his computer chair with the biggest gun barrel ever still pointed at his face. Hey, how does RevCam keep getting all these unregistered guns, anyway? Does he have, like, a barrel of them back at home? RevCam finds some pictures on Paul's printer of Sally and Paul having sex clandestinely so as not to cause any trouble with the television censors. Paul pulls the "Cheater's File" up on his computer. RevCam says that the first time he saw the pictures of his wife with Paul, he was kind of mad, but then it let him see Sally as a different woman, and he had awesome sex with her. So thanks, Paul, says RevCam, and also, delete the file. Paul does so, but a noise distracts RevCam and allows Paul to attack him. They wrestle around for a while, with RevCam getting a good kick in to Paul's crotch, then wind up on the floor. RevCam is on top of Paul and they're fighting over the gun barrel and where to point it. The gun fires, and we see a splatter of blood fly onto RevCam's flashlight. RevCam and Paul both lie there, panting, so it's difficult to figure out which one of them actually got shot.
But the scene clears that right up, as RevCam is throwing a Paul-shaped bundle overboard. The bundle hits the water and floats. Maybe RevCam should have considered putting a weight or two in that bundle. RevCam rips up the printed sex pictures and throws them into the water. They float too. I don't think RevCam really thought this through enough. Neither did the writer of this movie, who just spent all that time and all those scenes establishing the character of Paul and his search for what happened to Sally, only to have him die without being at all effective.
Back at the Mansion, Felicity is snoozing in RevCam's bed. "Wake up, sleepyhead," RevCam says, running a finger down her cheek. Oh, see, it's like what he did to Paul, except different. I'm not quite sure what the symbolism is, but I'm sure it's there. RevCam gives her the diamond necklace she was trying on before and says that this is his way of saying he loves her. Jan Hammer pushes the "ominous twinkly music" button. Oh, no, now RevCam and Felicity are kissing. And he's unbuttoning her shirt and running his finger down her chest. Please stop, RevCam. Thankfully, the camera pans away from them to The Most Awkwardly Posed Family Portrait Ever, thus sparing me from having to see any more. I do have to hear the kissing sounds, though, and this is one time that I wish Jan Hammer's music was as loud and overbearing as it was in every other scene.
It's the morning. RevCam is standing on a sand dune by the beach. A dog runs away from a tiny beach house, and its owner runs after it. RevCam watches. The scene ends. I think the dog's owner was supposed to be Clair (wearing a sensible sweat suit), but I couldn't really see her face and she was only shown for a few seconds anyway. I'm not sure what that scene was about. Is RevCam so evil that he makes dogs run away from their owners?
At The Mansion on the Wrong Side of the tracks, Felicity is sitting on a picturesque hanging tree swing in her backyard. Tracy walks up and asks Felicity what her big secret is. Felicity shows her the necklace; Tracy's pretty excited about it. Then Felicity says that RevCam told her he was falling in love with her. At this, Tracy's happy face hilariously twists into a grossed-out one. She points out that RevCam is hella old. Then she asks Felicity if she's sleeping with him. Felicity lies that she isn't. Tracy asks her if she's just doing this because he's rich. Felicity says that Tracy just doesn't understand their love. Tracy points out that Felicity was the one who called her over. Felicity says she's sorry that she did, and she has to get ready for work. Tracy frowns, then yells at Felicity that she's sick of her acting like she's better than everyone else. Felicity's all, "I have responsibilities." Tracy accuses her of playing house, and tells her to stop expecting her friends to get excited about her relationship with her boss, which Tracy thinks is both weird and creepy -- as does Bardo. I think Bardo needs to find himself another girlfriend.
Frank pulls up in the school parking lot and looks around. Go, Frank.
Felicity enters a school bathroom, where Tracy is brushing her hair. Felicity asks her why she told Bardo about her new necklace. Tracy says it just slipped out, and apologizes half-heartedly. Then she leaves. Felicity makes a "no she di'int!" face and storms out after her. In the hall, Tracy tells Felicity that she acts like she's "way too mature [pronounced 'ma-too-er']" for her, what with all her responsibilities and cars and children and necklaces. Felicity accuses her of being jealous, and says that RevCam is the only person who treats her like an adult. Tracy Peter Pans that adults are old and boring, and who wants to be like that? Okay, but isn't Tracy a senior in high school, and thus either eighteen or close to it?
Frank exits the school with a lady who looks like a teacher. She's wearing a short-sleeved shirt, too. Ugh. She points out Tracy to Frank, and he thanks her.
Now Frank's at a pool, where RevCam's kids are swimming and Felicity is again "watching" them with her chaise lounge positioned away from the pool. Frank greets her and makes a snide remark about how she, the kids, and RevCam are becoming a family. While eating something out of a paper bag (class-ay!), he starts insinuating that Felicity's life has improved tremendously ever since Sally died. He says that Tracy told him that Felicity is in love with RevCam, which is kind of suspicious. Then he leaves, because questioning suspects and then leaving before getting any useful information out of them is good police procedure.
Felicity's doing homework in her bedroom in The Mansion on the Wrong Side of the Tracks. Her mom puts some clothes on a chair and tells her to put them away. Then Mom notices that Felicity has a new necklace. Felicity says that RevCam gave it to her, and Mom says that this is completely out of line, and she'll be returning the necklace to RevCam. I hope she can find time in her busy haggard working mom schedule!
Felicity and her mother are shopping for homecoming dresses. Mom offers to buy Felicity some ugly black shoes that she claims will go perfectly with Felicity's blue dress. A saleslady walks by, wearing a tiny yellow dress underneath an oversized white blazer. Not only was this movie written in 1985, but it also seems to have been shot then, too. Felicity asks Mom if she can stay at Tracy's for homecoming weekend. Mom is so glad that Felicity won't be babysitting that she agrees.
Back at home, Felicity is arranging her new dress and shoes on her bed and looking sad. Clair -- hi, Clair! Haven't seen you in a while! (SPCCC: 9) -- drives up, and Felicity meets her outside. Apparently, Felicity asked Clair to ask Frank to stop bothering her. Clair reports that Frank thinks that Felicity murdered Sally, and that RevCam has been telling him all kinds of things, like that Felicity stole Sally's necklace -- the very necklace that currently adorns Felicity's neck. Smart, Felicity -- wear the necklace your mother forbid you to have around your house. RevCam also told Frank that Felicity threw out all of his wife's stuff. Felicity says that Frank must be lying, because he hates her for not being Sally. Clair sets her straight: Frank is a good cop (well, compared to a certain detective who walks around disclosing confidential case information ahem Clair ahem) and isn't in the habit of framing teenage girls for murders just because he doesn't like them. RevCam, however, might be a different story. Felicity opens her mouth and looks around. This prompts Clair to ask her if she's sleeping with RevCam. Felicity doesn't answer. "Fe-li-city," Clair says, sounding like a disappointed mother. Clair and Felicity then stand around for a while, waiting for the scene to end.
RevCam comes home and looks for his girlfriend.
Pushing a mute lawnmower (a miracle of science!) around the backyard, Jeff yells at Felicity to answer the phone. She can't, because she's too busy sitting on her tree swing and looking sad. She asks Jeff where their mother is; she called her over an hour ago. Jeff does not comment on how that was probably their mother who just tried to call. Instead he says that Mom's at "some training thing."
On her way into the police station, Clair (SPCCC: 10) walks into RevCam, who's on his way out. He says he came to see her; Frank told him to tell her if he was leaving town. He's going to Tampa for a few days. He also heard that there's a missing persons report on Paul Richards, and asks Clair to keep him updated on it. Clair responds sarcastically to everything he says. RevCam's cell phone rings, and he walks away to talk on it. Clair turns around and asks him if that cell phone is the same one he called his house on the day Sally was murdered. RevCam says it is. Clair smiles smugly and wishes RevCam a nice trip. RevCam walks away, and then has a flashback to earlier in the movie, when he gave his cell phone to Sally to make dinner plans with the family friends. Then he flashes back to after he shot her in the face, when his cell phone rang and startled him.
Clair listens to the answering machine tape of RevCam calling Sally from his cell phone and says "gotcha." She asks an officer to get RevCam's cell phone records for her and to page Frank. The officer says sure, then looks at his watch and says, "It's Willie time!" Ewww. Clair tries to call Felicity, but the line is busy. Poor people can't afford call waiting.
Back at The Mansion on the Wrong Side of the Tracks, Felicity yells at her brother for tying up the phone line while she's waiting for their mother to call. As soon as he hangs up, the phone rings. It's RevCam, calling from a few hours into the future, where it's late evening, whereas back at Felicity's house in the past, it's still appears to be early afternoon. He asks Felicity where she is, saying that she was supposed to meet him at his house. Felicity says her mom found out that she wasn't going to Tracy's and grounded her. RevCam offers to come over and tell Haggard "how badly [he] need[s] [Felicity] this weekend." Felicity's pretty sure that that would just make things worse, then says she has to go because she hears her mother coming. RevCam tells her that he loves her, then tosses the phone on the passenger seat. He stares at some weird wire thing he's got in his hand, then gets out of the car. Oh, that is so dumb. He just left his phone sitting in the passenger seat of an open convertible, where anyone could steal it. And cell phones were really expensive in 1985.
Felicity runs away from the phone. Jeff asks her if she's actually grounded. Shut up, Jeff.
RevCam puts his murderin' black leather gloves on and breaks into Clair's beach house. Her dog barks at him. RevCam takes a light bulb out of a lamp and replaces it with the thing he had in his hands, which is actually a light bulb with the glass bulb part removed. The dog decides to leave, exiting through the door RevCam left open. What a great little guard dog he is. Worth all the time and money Clair reports to have spent on him. RevCam walks up to Clair's stove and blows out the pilot light. Then he turns on the gas, incompetently deciding to crank it all the way down to "lite" instead of "hi." Besides that little gaffe, it's a neat little way to blow someone's house up. I wonder how he learned it. Perhaps he modemed it from The Anarchist's Cookbook. RevCam leaves the house and walks towards the ocean, in the complete opposite direction of where his car is parked. Is he going to swim home?
And here is the exact moment when this movie goes from being slow and boring to extremely ridiculous. It's all downhill from here, folks. Clair pulls up to her house and walks inside. She turns her bulb-less light on and it makes a spark. Clair's dog barks at her from across the beach, and Clair runs out of her house to get him. Then the house explodes. Now, I'm the first person to admit that my knowledge of science is pretty poor, but shouldn't the house have gone up in flames the second that spark ignited and not thirty seconds afterwards? Perhaps the gas read the script and saw that Clair needed to survive because she was being played by a semi-famous actress. Phylicia Rashad does her best to look like she's dramatically landing on the beach after being flung fifty feet by an exploding house, but it just looks like she hilariously lay down for a nap while someone threw pieces of smoking driftwood at her. Oh, and her cheek is bleeding. RevCam smiles as he watches the fireworks from his position of thirty feet away. Oh, that's brilliant. Surely no one will notice his suspicious-looking ass standing right to the scene of the crime. Clair's useless dog runs up and starts licking her face. "Tastes like a mixture of corn syrup and red food coloring!" he thinks.
Felicity knocks on a door. Tracy answers, all dressed up. Felicity looks at her, then remembers that Homecoming is tonight. Felicity asks Tracy why Frank thought that her necklace was stolen. Tracy says that RevCam told him it was missing. Felicity looks upset, and Tracy asks her if she's finally wising up about her employer. Felicity asks Tracy if she told Frank that Felicity had the necklace. Tracy says it just kind of slipped out. Felicity tells Tracy that she looks amazing, and she's sorry. For being "such a major bitch?" Tracy asks. Don't push it, Tracy. They hug, and we hear a car door slam. It's Bardo, dressed in a tuxedo. Man, they went all out for Homecoming in 1985. My dates just wore regular suits, although I may not be the best judge, since my Homecoming memories are less than happy. Like the time my boyfriend dumped me at the dance because I wanted to go to a motel party. Now he gets to re-live Homecoming over and over again because he's dating a girl who's still in high school. Oh, and he also wrote "slut" all over my car in the school parking lot, which didn't even make sense since another reason why he dumped me was because I never wanted to do anything intimate with him because I found him unattractive. Yes, it was a fabulous relationship indeed. That month we spent together was just magical. Anyway, back to this stupid movie. Tracy tells Felicity that she and Bardo are just going "as friends," since his date also "blew him off." "How stupid was she?" Felicity says. Oh, silly Felicity -- they meant you! Also, why are Bardo and Felicity still dating when Felicity is doing RevCam?
RevCam knocks on a door. Jeff answers. RevCam asks him if Felicity is there. Suspenseful synthesized drums play, just like they do in "In the Air Tonight" by Phil Collins.
Felicity calls someone on her hot car phone, begging that no one answers it. That doesn't make any sense.
She enters RevCam's house and calls for him. He doesn't answer. She runs into his office and turns on the computer, then gets ready to do some serious modeming. She doesn't have much luck searching RevCam's computer, probably because all she does is run the cursor over the menu bar a few times and repeatedly push keys that make the error sound. Eventually, RevCam sneaks up behind her and tells her that she smells good. Then he gets her into his "Cheater's File" and asks her if that's what she was looking for. "You killed her!" Felicity says. "Well, of course I did," says RevCam. Congratulations, Felicity! You just signed your own death certificate! RevCam grabs Felicity and throws her on his desk. Then he flips her over and reaches up her skirt. Oh, god. I…don't think I'm strong enough for this. It looks like this is the end of my recapping career. Oh, it turns out that RevCam was just trying to get Felicity's pantyhose off so he could tie her hands behind her back with them. Phew! I can throw out my resignation letter to Sars. He tells Felicity, who's spent this whole time crying and whining instead of trying to escape, that she was the best babysitter he ever had, and it's going to be tough to replace her. He walks her out of the office and tosses her into the elevator. She lands on her knees. "That's gotta hurt, huh?" RevCam says, then closes the elevator screen. Hey, RevCam's kind of cool when he's being all evil and not having sex scenes with a nineteen-year-old. He lowers the elevator to between the first and second floor and tells her not to bother pressing any of the buttons -- they don't work. That's quite a design flaw. Then he goes downstairs.
Clair's beach house may be in flames, but her eleventh costume change has survived intact. Firefighters tend to her, and she's doing very well, considering the fact that her house blew up around her. Frank helps her up.
RevCam's in the kitchen. He takes a knife out of well-populated knife block (seriously. The knife block has about thirty knives in it. Who, besides Professional Chef Keckler, needs that many knives?), puts it back, then selects another knife from the block. I guess the other one wasn't pointy enough?
Felicity struggles half-heartedly in the elevator.
RevCam starts trashing his house as he talks to an imaginary Frank about how he was right, and Felicity really was totally crazy and tried to kill him. He starts slashing at the wallpaper to make the scene look convincing, but frankly, I think he's going a little too far. A knocked-over vase? Sure, I'll buy that. Several knife marks in the wall? I'm doubtful.
RevCam keeps yelling to himself about how Felicity is just like Amy Fischer (a surprising reference to a semi-current event! I'm shocked!) as Felicity finds a door on the ceiling of the elevator. She tries to climb through it, but falls over.
RevCam's stabbing the couch now, telling the air how he had to stab Felicity in self-defense. In the elevator, Felicity is making a second brave effort to climb out of her prison. This time, it works. Felicity can thank her giant mane of hair for that -- it gave her the extra height she needed to prop the trapdoor open.
RevCam is still stabbing at the couch. Chill, Rev. No one is going to believe that Felicity tried to stab you, but missed and hit the couch, but didn't realize that until after she stabbed it fifty times. Felicity continues to worm her way out of the elevator.
Couch slaughter finished, RevCam runs to the kitchen and calls Frank's car phone. Good thing he knew Frank was in his car and not, like, anywhere else. RevCam tells Frank that he just got in and found Felicity trashing his house. Frank tells RevCam he's on his way, except that it's totally obvious that that line was dubbed in during post-production.
Frank turns to Clair, who's getting cheek blood all over his leather interior, and tells her that RevCam has Felicity, and he's going to call for back-up. Clair does not respond. In fact, I think she's dead. Cheek injuries can be serious.
RevCam slices a long, straight gouge into his forearm, which you'd never see on a real stabbing victim, since they tend to try to move their arms out of the way, making the wound jagged. Plus, it's really hard to get inadvertently stabbed in the inside of your forearm. Think about it: you'd have to hold your arm out and twist it so that the inside was facing the knife. RevCam should have stuck with unregistered guns for murder weapons; he doesn't know what he's doing when it comes to knives and light bulbs. Felicity runs through the house, her hands still tied behind her back. RevCam comes upstairs, clutching his bleeding arm, and screams, "Felicity, look what YOUDIDTOME!" He waits for a response to his dramatic performance, but there is none. RevCam runs to the elevator, sees that Felicity has escaped, and starts screaming some more.
Felicity hides in Sally's closet. Unfortunately, her big hair works against her here, as a strand of it grabs a hanger and flings it to the ground. RevCam hears the clatter and moves to the bedroom. Felicity picks the hanger up and uses it to untie her hands. I don't know exactly why or how that worked, but whatever.
Outside the bedroom, RevCam takes a few deep whiffs of the air, then smiles. Oh, gross.
Felicity continues to struggle with the hanger. RevCam enters the closet and kindly asks her to step forward so he can murder her before Frank arrives. Felicity does step forward, but then whips out the hanger and scratches RevCam across the face with it. He's all stunned and his cheek is gushing blood. Damn, I never knew hangers were so vicious. Also, I guess I should apologize to Felicity's hair for trying to sabotage her escape, as it seems to have ultimately helped her.
Felicity runs around the house, making scared gasping noises. She gets to the front door, but it won't open. From the second floor, RevCam laughs and tells Felicity that they are locked in. What a strange house -- first they have an elevator whose buttons don't work, and now they have door that lock from the outside. Wait a minute -- if all the doors lock from the outside, then how did RevCam get in the house? Dammit, I'm going to be trying to figure that out all night. I hate this movie. ["And can I ask…where are the kids? Don't they…live there? Oh, forget it." -- Sars]
Felicity runs to a phone a calls 911. Before they can answer, RevCam screams her name, and she panics and runs away. She finds a stairway in the kitchen -- this house is, like, ninety percent stairway -- and runs up it. RevCam comes into the kitchen and grabs the phone. He tells the operator that one of his kids just tried to make a prank call -- sorry! Operator Dumbface gives him a brief lecture on how to use emergency lines, then hangs up. Meanwhile, how does RevCam think he's going to explain away the fact that, while Felicity was supposedly trying to kill him, a 911 call was made from his house, and the transcript of the call has him calmly telling the operator that his kid dialed it? People just don't know how to plan murders these days.
Felicity ducks behind a banister just as RevCam looks up the stairs. He doesn't see her, and leaves. Felicity immediately gets up and knocks over a doll, which begins to say "mama, mama" in a very symbolic fashion. RevCam comes back and runs up the stairs to get Felicity. She dumps a box of toys on him, but it doesn't have nearly the effect on him that the hanger did. He jumps over the banister -- Action RevCam! -- and continues to chase her. He is momentarily distracted from his pursuit when Felicity throws a nice wicker chair at him, giving her the time to jump out the window and onto a ledge. RevCam goes out after her, then starts teasing her because she has nowhere to go. She's, like, four stories off the ground (even though we only saw her climb up one floor), and the only way back into the house is through him. But wait! There's a pool directly underneath the ledge! Well, actually, the whirlpool to the pool is directly underneath her, but let's not quibble. Felicity does the crappiest dive ever and lands in the pool on her back. I thought she was supposed to be a good swimmer. She surfaces in her trademark Dead Man's Float. RevCam turns around and goes back in the house. Wow, his cheek is still bleeding from that hanger injury.
Speaking of people with mortal cheek wounds, Clair and Frank are speeding to RevCam's house.
RevCam walks into the pool, where Felicity is still floating, facedown. He turns her over, grabs her by the hair, and drags her across the water. Felicity opens her eyes and shoves RevCam under water. Wait -- she was pretending to be dead, like she did with Bardo? And she just played dead for the whole time it took RevCam to run downstairs and find a way to exit his house even though it's locked from the outside? Why didn't she just run away as soon as she hit the water? RevCam never would have been able to catch up with her before she reached help. I really hate this movie. Felicity and RevCam wrestle in the water. She bites his hand, forcing him to drop the knife. Then she punches him in the face, like, nice try, girlie, but there's no way you're going to win a physical battle against a man who's bigger than you are. And she doesn't -- RevCam strangles her underwater until she stops struggling. Unfortunately for RevCam, although he may have won the war, his hair lost the battle. It's hanging down in the front of his face in thick strands.
Team FranknClair pull up outside the house, but can't get in. But I thought it was locked from the outside! Shouldn't they be able to just unlock it and walk in? Frank ignores my very reasonable advice, though, and leads his team of police officers around the back of the house, because he read the script and saw that that is where all the action is.
RevCam walks out of the water, looking most proud of himself for all he's accomplished tonight. Suddenly, Felicity Jason Voorheeses out of the water behind him and stabs him in the back. "EEEErrrrrrrr!" says Felicity. "Thunk!" says the knife. "Uuurrggggaahhhh," says RevCam. He falls into the water as the police run up.
Frank points his gun at Felicity, who's currently holding a knife up over the body of the man she just stabbed. Oh, Felicity, you are so screwed. You should have just played dead for another ten minutes, but you had to get all pro-active for the first time ever in this film. Now you look guilty as hell. No one's going to believe you're innocent, not even your surrogate mother, Clair. RevCam treads water, much less affected by the deep stab wound to his back than he was by the tiny hanger scratch on his cheek, and weakly calls out to Frank. There isn't even any blood in the water, because the entire gore budget was blown on cheek wounds. Clair runs up to the side of the pool and holds her arms out to Felicity. "Come here, honey," she says. Yeah, come here so she can arrest you! RevCam continues to die from his magical bloodless injury as Frank starts overacting about how much he loves RevCam's stories. He instructs an officer to get RevCam some medical attention and arrest him. What? When, why, and how did he realize that RevCam was guilty, not Felicity? What makes them think that Felicity didn't just attempt to murder RevCam for non-self-defense purposes? She stabbed him in the back, not to mention that he's got the cheek injury and the stupid slash in his forearm, while Felicity is virtually mark-free. I hate this movie. Frank and Clair pat Felicity on the back, and they get ready to leave. Felicity stops and says she has to get rid of something. She takes the necklace off and tosses it into the pool. It lands to the knife, which has blood all over it despite the fact that: a) there was no blood when Felicity stabbed RevCam, and b) I watched Forensic Files the other day, and they said that blood is "very soluble" in water, so it would have washed off by now. I hate this movie. RevCam's still trying not to drown in the pool, although now he has to deal with avoiding flying necklaces on top of everything else.
Frank, Clair, and Felicity walk away, leaving two officers (that's their back-up? I hate this movie) to pull RevCam out of the water. He screams in pain as they do so, because pulling someone out of a pool by his arms is probably very painful when he's just been stabbed in the upper back. He screams for Frank a few times as the cops put handcuffs on him. Um…is someone going to call an ambulance? Anyone? Felicity? Clair? Jan Hammer?