Nighttime. Chandler and Paris hold hands and walk down the extremely busy Promenade. Chandler tells Paris that he wants to go on a "real" date, defined by him calling her up and asking her out. Paris totally buys into the misogyny and leaves to wait by the phone.
I have to wonder why people buy tracksuits that are entirely too small for them. Isn't the whole point of tracksuits that you're going to be using them for exercise, so having a little extra room to move around in is desirable? And yet, here's Lucy, sitting in the Treehouse of Lurv, a wearing hideous bright pink tracksuit that is so tight on her that if she tried to do a lunge, it would surely burst apart Hulk-style. It's so tight that she can't even zip it over her chest. Anyway, Lucy is picking through the trashcan she's smartly placed in the dead center of the room. Of course, she finds a flyer advertising the "Glenoak Police Department Husband/Wife Softball League." Lucy attempts to look sad by cartoonishly narrowing her eyes. Needless to say, the saxophone feels her pain. I wonder if it also feels the pain of Glenoak's singles, or couples who aren't married or are homosexual, and thus not allowed to play on this softball team.
Annie walks into the dark kitchen (and what is going on with that? It's been shrouded in darkness all season. Can't production afford a couple light bulbs?) and announces that Asslee's coming over for dinner. Ruthie expresses disgust that Asslee is coming over to eat again, but seeing as her basically live-in boyfriend is currently setting the dining room table, I don't think she has the right to complain, do you?
RevCam comes home and tries to escape his horrible family by running upstairs. Unfortunately, Peter is blocking his path. He asks RevCam if he talked to Dr. Hastings. Dr. Hastings as in "Special Guest Star Ed Begley Jr. Dr. Hastings"? Please don't let him appear today. Wait -- isn't he a gynecologist? What could Peter possibly be asking RevCam to talk to a gynecologist about? Maybe he wants to know more about recent internet rumors he's heard about the bleach in tampons causing cancer. Should he be buying Paris and Ruthie special unbleached tampons from the local natural foods store? They are more expensive, but you can't put a price on health. RevCam says that he did talk to Ed Begley, Jr. about Peter's idea to bring his dog to the hospital to cheer up rehab patients. While the hospital liked the idea, they thought that Peter was too young. So they rejected the request, and RevCam agrees with them that Peter is too young and innocent to deal with the very adult subject of drug and alcohol addiction. Whatever -- when I was only a little older than Peter, I volunteered at a hospital, and part of my job was walking new rehab admittees to the floor. It was extremely awkward, but I didn't lose my innocence over it or anything. Peter says that he wants to do this as his commitment, which means that this commitment storyline has now been a part of three episodes, which is some damn impressive continuity for this show, so he will not be deterred. And he will quote RevCam's speech about being the wind beneath the wings of his faith verbatim until RevCam agrees to help. Peter, did you ever know that you're my hero? And everything I would like to be? Flyy-yieeee …FLYY-EEE-YIEEEEE! Fly HIGH AGAINST THE SKYYYYY! It takes a lot of middle school talent show attendance to memorize the lyrics to that song, but I did it. RevCam finally agrees to try to convince the hospital officials to let Peter volunteer in rehab when Peter brings up disturbing mental images of Chandler and Paris being "busy" with each other.
The opening credits have gotten a slight upgrade overall that is best compared to how Sears will give you new cabinet faces instead of entirely new cabinets. They may look better and save money, but underneath it all, they're still the same old termite-infested, poor-wood-quality cabinets. Catherine Hicks gets all new face shots that show off her horrible new hairstyle. And there are not one, but two, shots of characters playing baseball, and one of them is Martin. That's right -- he's back. Let the NotRobbie-ing begin!
This week's Opening Credits Timewaster is RevCam taking like six dishes out of the dishwasher and putting them away. You'd think that people who should be concerned about saving money wouldn't run the water- and electricity-consuming dishwasher until it was full, but no. Anyway, RevCam goes about his business with typical enthusiasm and aplomb as The Piano of Chores gets down. Annie walks in as RevCam is preparing to put the cutlery away. After RevCam proudly announces that he's done something around the house, Annie takes pleasure in informing him that all the dishes he just put away were dirty. The piano plays a musical interpretation of "D'oh!" How did RevCam not notice that the dishes were dirty? Isn't it totally obvious? It is in my dishwasher -- it smells and there's food all over the place and the dishes are filthy. Perhaps the dishes are left over from SamVid's last meal of "invisible breakfast." Annie expresses concern over Asslee's absence from dinner last night, and suspects that her froggy dad lied to her about where Asslee was when Annie asked him about it. "Bud. WISE! Errrrr," was what he said, and Annie just doesn't think that this adds up. She's kind of irritated about the whole thing, because Asslee didn't call to tell her she wasn't going to be at dinner and that's not polite. She should have called, told Annie she couldn't go to dinner, and then hung up on her without saying goodbye. That would have been polite. Annie asks RevCam if he thinks Asslee is spending too much time at the CamPound. RevCam says "yes," to which Annie glares at him angrily because she's a psycho. RevCam tries to recover by saying that Asslee does spend a lot of time with them, but it's not a problem for anyone. Especially not him, I'll bet. Annie says it is a problem for someone. At this point, Ruthie enters and, not noticing Annie's totally obvious pointing at her, says she's off to the rehab center with Peter, and she's taking Happy with her. Annie doesn't like this idea, especially since she thought she and Ruthie had plans to hang out at the Promenade today. "I'm sure you can get Asslee to go with you!" Ruthie says, smirking.
"Is something wrong?" Kevin asks. Why, yes, Kevin; yes, there is. You're not wearing a shirt, and it's causing me a great deal of internal conflict. On one hand, you're a disgusting person and I hate you. On the other, you're not wearing a shirt. Fortunately, Kevin puts a t-shirt on and spares me the embarrassment of writing about how Kevin is totally HOTT. Lucy confronts him about today's softball game. Kevin manages to smirk and wince at the same time. Lucy wants to know why she hasn't been asked to play on the team her husband coaches. Kevin says it's because she sucks at softball. Lucy says that she's going to the game today and she's going to play, and if Kevin doesn't want her to, then "…you know." I don't know, but I have a feeling that it has to do with sex and Kevin not getting any, so I don't want to think about it anymore.
Paris answers her persistently ringing doorbell to reveal a tiny Ruthie and a humongous Chandler. "I'll go get Peter!" Ruthie practically screams, thus providing Chandler and Paris with a chance to make out. Paris puts on her Evil Single Woman voice and tells Chandler that Peter is sleeping over at the Camdens' tonight. Chandler makes a dumb expression. Paris takes this to mean that he's offended by her sluttiness and tries to backpedal, but Ruthie and Peter and their dogs run in and whisk Chandler away. Meanwhile, the hell? Did she say that Peter is sleeping over his girlfriend's house? I don't think I'll ever understand what kind of family values this show is trying to teach me.
Outside somewhere, Martin walks by Lucy. She stops him and asks him if he plays softball, and can he teach her how. "Maybe," he says, then tries to walk away. Lucy says she's desperate. "Yeah, I got that," Martin says. True, but mean. Martin walks away again, but then stops and tells her that he can give her a softball lesson tomorrow after church. Lucy says that it has to be right now, as her first game is in four hours. Martin doesn't think he'll be able to teach her anything, and he has date plans for now besides, but he'll try to teach her something anyway, as long as his date can "tag along." I'll bet his girlfriend is going to be really psyched to see that her date is at the romantic batting cages. Lucy and Martin leave to pick up his girlfriend by walking across a ten-foot-wide sidewalk and off-screen. Where they hell are they, anyway?
Annie has taken insanity to new levels by preparing a plate full of beautifully made ham sandwiches for no one. A phone call from Asslee provides her with some momentary distraction. Annie asks her where she was last night. Asslee says that she was out with some friends and lost track of time. "That's okay!" Annie says. "Thanksssss," Asslee hisses. Can't someone teach that girl how to talk? Annie asks Asslee if she wants to come over for lunch. Asslee says she can't. Annie refuses to get the hint and invites her over for dinner. Asslee says she can't do that either. "Is something wrong?" Annie asks. Hey, maybe Asslee just wants to spend some time with her real family. I don't think she's seen her real mother in six months. Asslee says that she has to work a double shift today for her parents. "Oh, work," Annie says, sounding all surprised because the concept of working for a living has no meaning to her. "Well, have a good day and, you know, if you have time, come on by for --" and then Asslee straight-up hangs up on her, exhales in relief, and rolls her eyes. Annie realizes that she's talking to a dial tone, shrugs, and hangs up. That was probably the single most gratifying moment I've ever experienced while watching this show. I gave the episode an A just for that. But don't think it made me like Asslee any more. Still hate her.
It turns out that rehab patients are dog people. As in, they like dogs, not that they're part dog and part human. Although that would have been awesome. They crowd around Happy and pet her while Ruthie looks uncomfortable and probably reconsiders her decision to do this instead of spending the afternoon with Annie. Then again, probably not. Chandler and some old guy watch, and the old guy remarks that he didn't think Peter's idea would work, but it seems to be going really well. The patients are getting a chance to interact with people who don't know anything about their past and don't judge them for it. Um, except that Peter and Ruthie do know that the patients are drug addicts and are totally judging them for it, treating them like mentally deficient adults or disabled children by bringing their dogs for them to play with. Roxanne, in uniform and sporting her no-nonsense bun, walks in, thus providing Chandler with a reason to excuse himself from the old guy. Chandler asks Roxanne what she's doing there. Yeah, that's what I'd like to know. Now that she's not with Chandler, there's really no reason for her to be on this show. Same goes for Asslee and Martin. And Peter and SamVid can probably be let out of their contracts, too. Kevin can stay, but only if they write in some kind of accident that results in him never being able to wear a shirt or speak again. Roxanne says that she's "taking a report from a car accident victim." She's a little too late for PaulSmith, I think. Also, how does "taking a report" necessitate walking through the rehab wing? Why am I even questioning the logic when there obviously isn't any? You'd think I would have learned by now. Chandler comments that Roxanne doesn't "look so great." Unless she added fifteen pounds to her face during the summer break like a certain assistant pastor, Chandler, then you should probably shut it. Roxanne says that she just dumped her boyfriend, then smiles and asks Chandler if he has any plans tonight. Yeah, she's real broken up about ending stuff with Paul. Chandler says he can't; he has a date tonight. Roxanne grins and excuses herself. Did Rachel Blanchard just find out that she got fired from the show? Why else would she smile throughout a scene where her character was supposed to be upset?
Lucy parks her ridiculously huge SUV (and just when did she find time during her studies and married sex sessions to buy that?) along a curb, and asks passenger Martin why they're picking up his girlfriend in front of Asslee's house. Martin says it could be because Asslee is his girlfriend. "No!" Lucy says. "Yes," Martin says, with a "Duh. And shut up." look on his face. Martin has such an attitude with the Camdens. I love it! Lucy asks how long this has been going on; Martin says a couple weeks, then asks Lucy if she knows Asslee. Well, obviously she does. Also, didn't Martin say when he broke into the CamPound a few weeks ago that Asslee and Lucy were hanging out together? Lucy says that Asslee is Simon's girlfriend. "I guess she's dating other guys," Martin says. Brilliant. Also, Lucy? Asslee was Simon's girlfriend. He dumped her ass long ago, and it was good.
At the batting cages, Lucy totally sucks at baseball. This might have something to do with the fact that she's swinging her bat like it's a golf club, but I'm not the resident baseball expert, so I could be totally off-base here. I'm not even sure if that pun works, since, again, I don't know very much about baseball. Eventually, Martin kicks Lucy out of the batting cage and tells her to just watch him. We get to see some of Tyler Hoechlin's mad baseball skillz, which this whole subplot was probably structured around showing. He puts Lucy back in the cage and tells her to keep trying. Outside the cages, Asslee trots up and gives Martin a soda. "Thanks, but -- I'd also like an explanation," Martin says. Worst line ever? Quite possibly. Martin and Asslee discuss their relationship. But first, a word from Asslee about Lucy's baseball ability: "Man, she is really bad." Thanks, Asslee. Maybe a career in sportscasting is for you. Martin wants to know if Asslee's really over Simon. She says that she is, but she's not over his family. They went through a lot together, and Asslee's not ready to let go. That's healthy. Martin says he heard about all that from Lucy; he wants to know why he didn't hear it from her. And he wants to know when and who is going to tell the CamRents about them. "If you can't tell your ex-boyfriend's parents about us, then maybe we shouldn't be going out," he says. But…that doesn't make any sense! Lucy exits the cages and says she has to go to the game.
Back in rehab, Joe Penny -- who you may remember from Jake and the Fatman, although I don't, since I've never seen the show -- pulls Peter aside and asks him if he'll do him "a favor." He gives Peter a letter and asks him to deliver it to a guy at a bookstore. ["What? It's not a love letter to Carmela Soprano? Bummer. Sweet crossover op, totally missed." -- Sars] Peter agrees to do it. Jake says he's happy a got a chance to meet Peter before he leaves rehab, which is tomorrow. If he's leaving tomorrow, why can't he deliver the letter himself? Peter should really be suspicious at this point. Instead, he congratulates Jake on not drinking, and they part ways. I'm glad Peter is spending time at the rehab center. This way, when he has to go there during his post-child-actor days, the surroundings won't be so foreign.
RevCam is sitting in his church office wearing his grandpa glasses and trying to write a sermon. Roxanne walks in and asks for Chandler. RevCam says that Chandler's not around, but maybe he can help. Big mistake, RevCam. Now you have to hear about Roxanne's relationship woes. Like how she might still love Chandler, and that's why she dumped her boyfriend and isn't interested in dating anyone else. And how she doesn't know what to do about her feelings except marry Chandler. Whoops! Guess she should have thought about all this before she told Chandler that she never wanted to marry him while laughing in his face. RevCam informs Roxanne that her beloved is currently dating the other town WHORE! But, he adds, Roxanne can tell him how she feels. Great. I totally want to see that. Thanks, RevCam. Roxanne doesn't think she can actually say what she needs to say to Chandler, but she could write it to him in a letter. RevCam agrees. Roxanne reaches into her back pocket and pulls out an envelope addressed to Chandler. Wow, she wrote that really fast! She thanks RevCam for giving Chandler the letter, and runs off. Does anyone in Glenoak know how to use the mail system today?
The sounds of manly cheering herald a scene with the Glenoak PD Husband/Wife Softball team. Kevin puts the roster up, to which a couple members of the team protest Lucy's position of first baseman. It seems the entire town knows that Lucy sucks at baseball, and Kevin's teammates are afraid that her playing on the team will ruin their undefeated record. Kevin reminds them that this is a husband/wife team, to which the players say that their wives suck, too, and that's why they "leave them at home." Kevin points out that there are other women on the team. The guys respond that those women are cops, and so don't count as actual women, I guess. Kevin says that their team really isn't a husband/wife team, then. "I don't know what you're talking about -- and I don't care!" cracks one of the guys. Hee -- I say that when Kevin says stuff, too. Another guy says that all he cares about is winning. Kevin says that that's not "right." The "I don't care!" guy says that neither is putting Lucy on first base, and I have to agree with him there. If Lucy sucks at baseball but still wants to play, why doesn't Kevin just stick her in the outfield? That's where everyone who didn't want to play baseball was assigned to in my gym class, anyway. You know I was there, picking wildflowers with my fellow untalented teammates. Lucy walks up, and everyone pretends to like her, which happens to Lucy a lot. Kevin tells her that she's playing first base today, and Lucy squeals with delight and kisses him on the cheek. The guys make kissy faces and noises not unlike the ones that SamVid made at Peter and Ruthie a few months ago. 7th Heaven's writing staff: Always happy to repeat even the smallest of plot points.
The game starts, as does a musical montage set to John Fogerty's "Centerfield." I'm so glad that 7th Heaven is ruining yet another great classic rock song for me. I still can't listen to "Sunshine of Your Love" without feeling physically ill. Lucy takes her place at first base, magically changed into a uniform. I would spend some time pointing out how terrible this show's continuity is, but I'm so glad to not have to see that ugly blue shirt with those puffy cap sleeves that I'll just let it slide. Anyway, the montage consists of Lucy totally sucking at baseball and Kevin cringing in horror at her suckiness. Eventually, she gets taken off first base and placed deep in the outfield, where she sulks like a little baby. Then she strikes out, and her teammates throw their caps on the ground in disgust. The time we see Lucy, she's sitting on the bench with her new team jacket on.
Chandler enters the church office and growls that he left his bank card in his jacket pocket, which he'll need if he wants to take Peter and Ruthie -- and their dogs, I suppose -- to "the new animated movie." Oh, come on, Chandler; those two are thirteen. Surely they'd much rather see The Moving Picture Featuring the Newest Tween Superstar. Anyway, Chandler leaving his bank card lying around the church office sure is convenient, as it gives RevCam an opportunity to give him Roxanne's letter. Chandler sniffs the letter, then backs away in surprise. Wha? And are those doodles of party streamers Roxanne drew on the back of the envelope? Why does everyone on this show have the mentality of a six-year-old? Even the twins, if you combine the ages of their respective brainpower.
Someone knocks on the Camdens' back door as Annie is walking to answer it. That's amazing -- she moves to answer doors before she knows anyone is even behind them. Annie has a lot of hidden talents. Actually, I think "hidden" is redundant there, because obviously any of Annie's talents would have to be hidden. Anyway, Paris is at the door, and she needs to talk to someone about how she may have "scared" Chandler away. But first, she tries to pay some attention to SamVid. Annie pulls her away from the children, probably jealous that Paris knows which of the kids is which and she still doesn't. Paris and Annie sit down, and Paris explains that she's afraid that Chandler thinks she invited him to sleep over at her house when she mentioned that Peter was sleeping at the Camdens' tonight. "Ooooh," Annie says, disgust written all over her face. This is her normal expression, however, so I'm not sure if she was reacting to Paris being such a WHORE!, or suddenly realizing what a terrible parent she is for letting her daughter's boyfriend sleep at her house, or if the five pounds of Vaseline they put on the lens whenever they shoot Catherine Hicks's face now have just distorted the image. "Are you sure it wasn't an invitation?" Annie asks, looking around for a quarantine screen so as not to be infected with the raging case of whoreitis Paris obviously has. Paris says she doesn't know if it was an invitation. "Yes, you do," Annie replies through clenched teeth.
Peter walks up to a man on the Promenade and asks if he knows an "Alfred" who works at the bookstore. Wouldn't you know it, he's talking to Alfred right now. Peter gives him Jake's letter. Upon hearing that the letter is from Jake, Alfred folds the letter back up, gives it to Peter, and tells him to tell Jake that he can send all the letters he wants, but his son doesn't want to see him. I knew Alfred was Jake's son the minute I heard his name was Alfred, because I can't see anyone not completely wasted naming his kid that. Can a flute "tootle" sadly? Apparently so, because that's exactly what The Flute of Conflict That Will Have to Be Resolved Within the Hour does.
Annie pulls two loaves of something unappetizing out of the oven as Asslee enters the kitchen. Apparently, she just came from the Treehouse, because she's wearing Lucy's pink tracksuit top. Either that, or production is cutting costs by recycling the wardrobe. What is production spending their money on, anyway? Pretty soon we'll be seeing RevCam parading around in Annie's sailor top. Annie is all happy to see Asslee and invites her to stay and have some of her meatloaf, since she knows how much Asslee likes it. "I lied to you…" Asslee begins. "You don't like my meatloaf?" Annie says, face falling. And when Annie's face falls, small children and animals need to watch out that they don't get bludgeoned by one of her jowls. Asslee assures Annie that she loves her meatloaf, and Annie smiles. The twins are safe -- for now. Asslee explains that what she was lying about was having to work today -- she was actually on a date with Martin. She didn't want to tell Annie because she didn't want to upset her. "Oh, no, I'm not upset!" Annie says. "I just didn't want you to be upset," Asslee says. Well, she isn't, Asslee, as evidenced by the fact that she just told you she wasn't. "I'm not upset!" Annie says, again. "Really?" Asslee asks. Jesus fucking Christ, Asslee -- ANNIE IS NOT UPSET. Asslee says that Martin is almost two years younger than she is, and Annie, always supportive of her girlfriends' relationships with younger guys, says that's fine. Asslee also thinks it's great that he doesn't know anything about her and she doesn't know anything about him. I guess if you're Asslee, the less people know about you, the better. Annie says that Martin needs to know that she dated Simon. Not really, Annie, but he does, now that Lucy told him.
Annie and Asslee commence fake hugging as RevCam walks in. He checks out the hot girl-on-girl action for a second, then greets Asslee and asks hopefully if she'll be staying for dinner. Annie says that Asslee can't because she has a date. Asslee confirms this, then turns and walks out of the room. RevCam totally checks her out as she leaves while pretending to be taking a glass out of the cabinet. Annie makes a sour face, which then turns teary as violins play. I think she just realized that her husband is cheating on her with the babysitter. When asked, Annie says that she's upset because now that Asslee's dating someone else, she's realized that Simon is "really gone." She didn't realize that, like, before he left, or presumably at the nasty bus station they dropped him off at, but she does now that his ex-girlfriend has another boyfriend. Sweet.
RevCam hugs Annie consolingly as Peter walks into the room. This probably isn't a good time, Peter. Surely even your limited knowledge of human interaction can tell you this. As Annie half-cries in her husband's arms, Peter tells RevCam that he needs to talk to him -- "alone." Annie sobs that she'll go check on the twins, and leaves the room. "Is everything okay?" Peter asks. Yeah, everything is totally awesome, Peter. That's why Annie is crying with happiness. Everyone on this goddamn show is so stupid. RevCam does not yell at Peter for interrupting a private moment or kick him out of the house, but rather asks Peter what's wrong. Peter says that he doesn't think he's ready to work at the rehab center. That statement was totally more important than Annie's grieving over her son's departure.
Unlike Annie Goodwife, Paris is not cooking dinner for anyone, but rather getting tarted up for her big date with Chandler. The phone rings, and it's him. He sighs a couple times, then cancels the date, saying that he has to take care of something "personal." As a camera circles around Paris and goes in and out of focus (God, the production values on this show never cease to amaze me with their incredible badness. They can't even consistently keep a camera in focus? Even public access shows can manage that), she makes the whole situation about her and asks Chandler if he's canceling because she invited him to spend the night with her. "You did WHAT?" Chandler says, actually expressing the emotion of surprise. "Never mind!" Paris says. "No, no, no -- wait, no, no! We should talk about this!" Chandler says. Paris says that they should, but he cancelled the date so they won't. She says goodbye (!) and hangs up. Chandler hears a dial tone, and can't believe that he just missed another chance to Get Some.
Annie condescendingly asks Ruthie how volunteering at the rehab center went. Ruthie is non-communicative, which I totally support. Annie, however, does not, and wonders what's going on. Ruthie asks where Asslee is. Annie says she's on a date. Ruthie says that she understands now -- Annie has time to talk to her only because Asslee isn't there. Good point, Ruthie, but perhaps Annie's non-desire to talk to you has more to do with your disgusting personality than with Annie's bad mothering. Or, more likely, it's a combination of the two. Annie says that Asslee comes over to help her take care of the twins and do chores. Ruthie wonders why it never occurred to Annie that she would like to do those things. Um, maybe because you've never volunteered to do any household chores, ever, Ruthie? "They're my brothers. It's my house. I'm your daughter -- not Asslee," Ruthie says, then walks away. Okay, Ruthie, except that it's not your house -- it's the church's, and your biological ties to the rest of the Camdens are questionable at best. Ruthie slams the door behind her while Annie makes a facial expression that is equal parts confused and suicidal. Which would be the facial expression she makes almost all the time.
A big, manly hand knocks on a door. The camera pulls away to reveal that the hand belongs to Kevin and he's knocking on the door to the bathroom, which Lucy has very maturely locked herself inside. Kevin says he feels bad about taking Lucy out of the game, but he is the coach and he had to do it. I'll bet he feels even worse now that he drank all that Powerade during the game and his wife is occupying the Treehouse's only bathroom. Lucy finally pokes her head outside and says that Kevin should have left her in the game, even if it would have meant losing. Because it's just a game, and everyone who shows up and wants to play should be allowed to play. Except that Lucy did get a chance to play, so, for the seventeenth time this hour, I'm totally confused. Kevin doesn't understand why Lucy wants to play something that she's obviously bad at, and Lucy doesn't understand why winning is so important to Kevin that he would cheat. That's right -- she talked to his female teammates and discovered that they are not, in fact, women, but unmarried woman cops. Then she slams the door in his face. Kevin shifts his weight to avoid urinating on himself while he wonders if he can make it to the bathroom in the CamPound if he runs fast enough.
Chandler wanders around the Promenade until he finds Roxanne. He tells her he got her note, and she responds that she loves him and she probably always will. See, Roxanne? You really could say it to him after all! There was no need for your little "I love you. Do you love me? Check yes or no" note. Chandler takes her up on her invitation to go back to her place, and they walk by a crowd of people. Of course, behind that crowd is Paris, who watches them walk away while The Saxophone of Don't Spy on People If You Can't Handle What You're Going to See, Idiot plays.
Annie sits on a chair and hugs a pillow. How much does her life suck? So much. She gets up to answer a knock at the door. I guess her psychic ability to know people are at the door before they knock doesn't work at night. It's Martin, and he's angry because Asslee just dumped him. And he thinks that Annie told her to do it.
In the rehab center hallway, RevCam asks Peter if he's "sure [he] want[s] to do this." What are they doing there at night? Aren't visiting hours over? Does RevCam pay the Glenoak Hospital off as well as the police force? Jake comes out and greets Peter, who informs him that his son wouldn't accept the letter. And Peter's kind of pissed that Jake made a kid do his dirty work for him. He wants to know why Jake lied to him. "Because I like you," says Jake. "I like you, too," says Peter. Before NAMBLA can name 7th Heaven as its official show, Jake and Peter change the subject to alcoholics and the damage they do to their families. Peter says that his dad had a drinking problem. From behind a corner, RevCam, necked craned to hear every syllable of someone else's private conversation, sighs sadly. Jake asks Peter if he misses his father; Peter says he misses having a father, but he doesn't miss his father. Jake doesn't know how to fix things with his son, and requires Peter's teenage wisdom. Peter tells Jake that he owes it to his son to try. He wishes, and thinks he deserves, the chance to tell his father what he thought of him. Jake gives us a little PSA about Alcoholics Anonymous and about how he's stuck on the eighth and ninth steps, which concern making amends to the people you've hurt. Peter says that all Jake can do is try, but it needs to be him trying and not him giving letters to little boys to deliver to his son. Peter says that his dad never tried. The two shake hands, and Jake agrees to see him son personally.
Annie's rocking her best set of pearls as she asks Ruthie to get the twins ready for church. Ruthie snidely asks if Asslee's coming over. Annie says she is, but she wants Ruthie to take care of her brothers. Ruthie looks kind of put out, so Annie asks her if there's a problem. Ruthie says there isn't; she was just expecting a talk, not work. Annie says that they will indeed have a talk, as soon as Ruthie gets SamVid ready and Asslee and Martin arrive. She walks out, leaving Ruthie to sigh sadly. Ha, ha, ha, Ruthie -- you wanted to do household chores, so now you can eat those words.
RevCam and Annie meet in the kitchen, where RevCam says that he'll have to meet Annie at church because he needs to go tie up Peter's storyline. Annie says that sounds great, as she has a few storylines she also needs to create positive resolutions for.
Chandler walks right into Paris's kitchen, substituting a throat-clearing growl for a knock. Paris asks him to leave, then folds her arms babyishly. They couldn't make me hate these characters any more if they tried. Chandler says he doesn't want to leave. Paris points out that what Chandler wants isn't exactly relevant, as this is her house. Chandler asks Paris why she's so angry with him; this can't all be about canceling the date. Paris points out that he's wearing yesterday's clothes, and wonders if he didn't have time to change between spending the night with Roxanne and coming to her house. She's had enough of men and their lies, and she'd really like Chandler to leave her house now. Chandler: "Lies?" (Long pause that effectively destroys whatever dramatic tension this line was supposed to have.) "Deception?" (Another long pause as Jeremy London tries to remember his lines; it's so difficult when your brain is addled with drink.) "When have I lied to you?" He asks Paris to let him explain, then tells her about Roxanne's letter. He says that he was wrong to break his date with her, but Roxanne "needed" him last night. But they're not back together, and they're not still in love. Roxanne "just needed [Chandler] to remind her of that." By his oily, puffy presence and inability to speak like a normal human being. Chandler asks Paris if he still wants her to leave. She doesn't, so they make out.
RevCam and Peter walk in and stare at them for a while, then RevCam asks if he's interrupting anything. Of course he is! Peter tells his mother that he's going to church with RevCam today. RevCam asks if Paris is okay with what they're "going to do." She says she thinks it's a great idea. Does she even care? And what are they talking about? I probably don't want to know. RevCam and Peter leave, with RevCam casting one last, longing glance in their direction. What a perv. Paris tells Chandler that they need to talk about "the invitation." At this point, RevCam comes back in the kitchen, grabs the car keys that he purposely left behind, then stands around a for a while before finally leaving again. I hate RevCam. Paris and Chandler basically ignore him and discuss the invitation. Chandler says that he never thought that Paris was trying to invite him to spend the night with her. "You didn't mean it how it sounded…did you?" he asks. Chandler so wants to get laid that it's not even funny. Paris says she didn't…or did she? No, she definitely didn't. Chandler tries to conceal his disappointment with a series of sighs and smirks. Mostly sighs.
Annie walks Asslee into the CamDen, where Martin and Ruthie are already waiting. Annie says that she wanted to clear up some misunderstandings. First off, Asslee shouldn't break up with Martin. Butt out, Annie. Maybe Asslee has a perfectly good reason for breaking up with Martin that has nothing to do with you. Asslee admits that she totally listened in on Annie and RevCam's conversation about missing Simon. "That's okay -- we're used to it," Annie says. Of course she is. I would have been slightly less forgiving, but then, I'm not "used" to friends and family members spying on me. Annie says that Asslee's moving on did make her realize that Simon was really gone, but that's okay, because Simon is gone and Annie needs to learn to deal with that. And Asslee is still welcome at the CamPound anytime, but only if she lives her life the way she wants to live it. And if that way is in total agreement with how the Camdens think that others should live their lives. Asslee smirks. Annie moves on to Ruthie, apologizing to her for spending more time with Asslee. She's been "leaning" on Asslee without ever giving Ruthie the chance to "pitch in" and become an emotional backbone for her depressed mother. Annie's glad that Ruthie brought this to her attention, and she'll be sure to force Ruthie to do lots more chores in the future. Ruthie smiles as if this is a good thing. Annie turns to Martin and tells him to go ahead and date Asslee. "Uh…thanks?" Martin thinks. And now it's time to go to church. After hugging, of course. Ruthie apologizes to her mother. "For how you spoke to me?" Annie says. Shut up, Annie. Ruthie says she was upset then, but now that Annie's talked to her for all of three seconds and agreed to let her clean the toilet, she's fine.
Kevin brings breakfast on a tray up to Lucy. I don't know why he's going up the stairs, though, seeing as how the kitchen is on the same level as the bedroom. I can only assume that Kevin stole that breakfast out of the CamKitchen again. Nice gesture, though. He apologizes to Lucy and says that he called his teammates' wives and invited them to join the team. Most of the team stayed, but some of them quit. Maybe he shouldn't have called their ex-wives. Lucy thanks him, and Kevin asks her why being on the team was so important to her. She explains that, all through school, she was always picked last for sports, and it was really embarrassing. Kevin points out that he didn't force her to play softball and thus embarrass herself. Lucy says that "the only thing worse than being picked last is not being asked at all." That's kind of sad. Kevin gives her a peck on the cheek and asks her if she wants to play on his team. She says no. He thanks the ceiling.
Peter, RevCam, and Jake walk along the absolutely desolate Promenade. Everyone's at church, I guess. Jake thanks RevCam for getting Alfred to talk to him. So much for him doing this himself. RevCam says that Alfred is mad, but does want to talk to him. Jake takes a deep breath and walks over to his son. Peter thanks RevCam, who says he never knew about Peter's dad's drinking problem. Peter says that he's glad he got to help someone's dad, even if it wasn't his own. We see Jake and Alfred shake hands. Wow, that conversation went well, and quickly, too. "I think our work here is done," RevCam actually says. "Let's go to church!" says Peter. Super Preacher and his sidekick, Altar Boy, walk away.