As a fan of the TV movies A Woman Scorned: The Betty Broderick Story, and its less-popular and less-exciting sequel, Her Final Fury: Betty Broderick, the Last Chapter, you can bet I was excited as all hell for Stephen Collins and Meredith Baxter's first project together after the movies. In fact, I would say this is the most excited I've ever been for a 7th Heaven episode since the one where RevCam got shot.
The show opens with that much-used shot of students pouring out of Glenoak's high school. Inside, Meredith Baxter is telling RevCam that all of his older kids are done with high school, and it will be another year before Ruthie arrives (poor Meredith Baxter has no idea what horrors await her), so she doesn't understand why he's "involved in [her] business." RevCam eventually manages to stammer out that, while he's used to dealing with the "vice-principal" (also known as "Principal Russell" in every episode we've ever seen her in. Either she got demoted, or this show still hasn't mastered the art of consistency), his neighbors asked him to "intervene" on their behalf in a matter involving their daughter. His neighbors? Is it safe to assume, then, that they hate Muslims and French people? Anyway, the neighbors really, really want their older son to be allowed on school grounds while he waits to pick their daughter up from school. Meredith Baxter nods curtly, then says, "You'd like me to change the school policy to better suit their daughter?I don't think so!" Wow, Meredith Baxter is kind of cool. She continues, "So, is there anybody else who's unhappy that you'd like to make happy? Perhaps I could help you bring about justice for some other student?" That settles it: she's awesome. RevCam just sits there with his mouth hanging open and his eyes tearing up, then manages to say, "Principal Jones, I don't mean any offense, but you've hardly allowed me speak --" Principal Jones interrupts: "I don't mean any offense, either, Reverend Camden, but -- I'm a very busy woman." The rule about non-students not being allowed to park in the school parking lot is a district-wide one that she isn't going to break, no matter how many times the Millers ask her to or send their annoying busybody neighbor to do same. RevCam lamely whines, "Butrules were made to be broken, are they not?" Principal Jones fires back in terms RevCam can understand: "What about the Ten Commandments? Are they meant to be broken? What about the Golden Rule?" Then she grabs a manila folder and excuses herself to go teach a class or whatever. RevCam remains seated and thinks about how he just got dominated. Then he tries to remember what the "Ten Commandments" are.
“ Last week, Ruthie hated Asslee, but now they're confiding in each other. How consistent. Ew, and what's up with Asslee's hair? It looks like a doll's hair. A doll who needs to buy herself a Split-Ender. ”
In the school hallway, Principal Jones feels up Martin's chest and mouths the word "rutabaga" until RevCam appears on the scene so the camera focus can, of course, switch to him. RevCam stares at Martin and Principal Jones, looking just a little bit jealous of the connection she's formed with him. He waits until she leaves, then rushes up to Martin, who begins to espouse the greatness that is Principal Jones: her refusal to deviate from the rules means that everyone is treated fairly, and Martin thinks that's great. "Bottom line," Martin says, "this is the highest-rated school academically in the whole district, and I don't feel like I'm going to get stabbed by another student every time I go around the corner." RevCam nods, probably thinking about the time when one of Simon's non-violent and academically-motivated classmates shot Eric in the shoulder, or the time another one of Simon's classmates brought a gun to school with the expressed intent of shooting everyone. The bell rings, and Martin excuses himself, but not before RevCam can invite him over for dinner. Suddenly, some girl walks up to RevCam and starts talking to him. Oh, that's sad. She must not have any other friends. She assumes that he's at the school because Martin and Principal Jones are "a little too close, if you know what [she] mean[s]." I don't, because I totally thought she was saying that they were gettin' it on, but she really meant that Martin is a spy sent by Principal Jones to get information on her enemies. RevCam thinks about this as the scene fades to credits.
Opening credits. 7th Heaven is brought to you by Motrin IB. Thanks, Motrin, but I usually require stronger drugs than that to watch this show.
The Opening Credits Timewaster is introduced to us by an out-of-control jazzy piano solo. Martin vigorously polishes the kitchen table, then takes the dishes off of it and puts them in the sink. Who puts Pledge on their table before they've cleared it off? Martin does. RevCam looks on and thinks about how Asslee never does anything like this when she has dinner over. As Martin starts to polish the faucet, RevCam tells him to relax. Martin says all the cleaning is a product of his "military training," prompting RevCam to ask about Mr. Martin. "He's in Iraq," Martin says, clearing up any confusion for people who might not have watched his first episode where he explained all of this, while seeming like a repetitive idiot to anyone who has. RevCam asks Martin a few questions about where he's been all day, because that's how RevCam treats the people he really loves.
In the attic, Asslee and Ruthie discuss those stupid rumors about Martin. Um, doesn't Ruthie go to an entirely different school than Asslee and Martin? Wasn't that established not five minutes ago in this very episode? Are we supposed to believe that the gossip about Martin is so juicy that it has reached the middle school? Of course, Martin comes upstairs and listens in on their conversation. When he hears that Asslee suspects that the rumors are true, he looks irritated and goes back downstairs, where RevCam's warm and loving arms are waiting for him. Asslee tells Ruthie not to tell anyone what she "confided" in her. Last week, Ruthie hated Asslee, but now they're confiding in each other. How consistent. Ew, and what's up with Asslee's hair? It looks like a doll's hair. A doll who needs to buy herself a Split-Ender.
“ RevCam says it's a bad habit. So is reading internet forums about the show you write for, and then incorporating other people's ideas into your script, BRENDA. ”
RevCam eyes a lone slice of pumpkin pie in the fridge. As he takes it out, Kevin enters, startling RevCam and making him throw the pie back in the refrigerator. He springs up from behind the refrigerator door, sees Kevin, and says, "Oh! It's just you," then chuckles to himself. Huh? Who did he think would be walking in his back door at night and not wanting him to eat pie? Kevin claims to have just had an "interesting" conversation with Asslee and Martin about "the principal [RevCam] met today, Mizzz Jones," although I just saw this conversation and so can attest to its complete and utter lack of interest to anyone. The phone rings, and RevCam runs to answer it while Kevin takes the slice of pie out of the fridge and begins to devour it. RevCam has one of those one-sided phone conversations where the person at the other end conveys massive amounts of information in all of two seconds, then hangs up on the caller without saying goodbye. Kevin observes, then asks, "How come no one in this family says goodbye? They just finish their conversation and hang up. Even I've started doing it. People outside the family think I'm nuts." RevCam says it's a bad habit. So is reading internet forums about the show you write for, and then incorporating other people's ideas into your script, BRENDA. Although I'll admit that that was pretty funny. After asking Kevin for a piece of pie and getting an empty plate in return (and anyone who didn't see those yuks coming must be legally blind. Or stupid. Or both), RevCam explains that he just got a call from "the kid who helped Simon get into college early, the Harvard bum -- I'm sorry, did I say that out loud?" Me-ow, RevCam. Apparently, quite a few parents are angry with Mizzz Jones and are trying to have a school board meeting about it. They invited RevCam to act as a "moral compass." I snicker. Kevin asks RevCam if he's ever stopped a lynching before. RevCam says he has, "on occasion." I guess I missed that episode.
At school, Martin walks right by Asslee without acknowledging her. Ha! Some girl walks up and starts telling Asslee about how Martin is a loser, and Mizzz Jones just brought him in to help the baseball team win the state championship, and how he's older than he says he is. Pot? Meet kettle -- the actress playing that girl has got to be in her thirties at least. Asslee does some indignant head-wiggling as she explains that she's seen Martin's license, and he's definitely sixteen, and the reason why he came to their school is because his dad is in Iraq. "Love is blind, and apparently also deaf," responds the other girl, who assumes that Martin's license is a fake and his story about his dad is, too. Okay, buthow does that make love deaf? Unless she's talking about how Martin would have to be deaf to be able to deal with Asslee's hissy, raspy, squeaky voice.
“ I know I said last week that seeing Asslee hang up on Annie was the best thing I've ever seen on this show, but I think it just got replaced with Mizzz telling RevCam to stop trying to get all up in her business, and then hanging up on him. ”
In what appears to be RevCam's church office, a small crowd of parents detail their problems with Mizzz. One dad says his son has a speech impediment, and so should not have to take Spanish. The guidance counselor agrees, but Mizzz is making him try the class for a month before she'll agree to let him out of it. Now the kid is in detention all the time because he skips the class. The guy points a lot. Another woman is upset because her daughter is hypoglycemic, and so she has to leave school for lunch everyday. Mizzz won't let her. I don't know a whole lot about hypoglycemia, but I'm pretty sure one doesn't need to leave school every day to treat it. Another lady with bizarre smeared eye make-up on says that her daughter is friends with the hypoglycemic, and can use her car to drive the hypoglycemic home during lunch, but Mizzz said no to that, too. Well, duh. If Mizzz isn't going to let a sick girl leave campus, she's not going to let a healthy girl drive her off of it. Another guy, who fans of Sports Night and The West Wing might recognize as Chris or Mark, respectively, says something about Martin being a spy, and I can't believe this show is still trying to convince us that plot is at all interesting. Brenda Baxworth says that Mizzz gets her hair cut at the barbershop, and women should get their hair cut at the salon, so she's not setting a good example. RevCam just looks at her like, "Whoa, she goes to a barbershop? I'm impressed! In my family, we just stick our heads in the weed-whacker once a month and pray for the best!"
Asslee stops Martin on the sidewalk and asks to talk to him. I don't even care what they say, because Mizzz has more charisma in her pinky fingernail than both of them combined. After Martin leaves, Ruthie runs up, and she and Asslee hug for no reason.
Mizzz is on the phone with RevCam, adamantly refusing his invitation for a chat. I didn't think I could like her any more than I already did, and then she had to go and do something like that. RevCam has convinced himself that, without his intervention, the parents could get Mizzz fired. Mizzz says she knows exactly which parents met with RevCam and why, and then dismisses all of their claims. The speech impediment boy would enjoy the Spanish class she's forcing him to attend because its teacher has a learning disability. I'm sure the teacher is psyched that you shared that information so freely, Mizzz. I mean, I love Mizzz and all, but I think she went a little too far there. The hypoglycemic girl and her friend only want to leave during lunch to "meet boys." That reminds me of a friend of mine who was epileptic, and would always fake seizures during our boring biology class so she could go to the nurse. And then her friends would all have to go with her in case she had another seizure on her way there. Except that we wouldn't go to the nurse, but to Taco Bell. Because nothing cures fake seizures quite like Nachos Bell Grande. RevCam says that he just wants to help her. Mizzz snaps that she's too busy worrying about her students to care about herself. RevCam uses his ability to read ahead in the script to deduce that Mizzz is especially worried about Alice Miller and her creepy stalker brother. Mizzz asks him to "stay out of it." Yeah, sure. He'll listen. Eric points out that she can't help Alice if she gets fired. "I am not victim, okay? And I don't need rescuing. Thanks anyway," Mizzz says, then hangs up on the Revster. I know I said last week that seeing Asslee hang up on Annie was the best thing I've ever seen on this show, but I think it just got replaced with Mizzz telling RevCam to stop trying to get all up in her business, and then hanging up on him. Suddenly, Gracie from The Nanny rushes in and says that her brother isn't waiting for her outside, so they can talk. The plot thickens!