Baggage

Nighttime. Chandler and Paris hold hands and walk down the extremely busy Promenade. Chandler tells Paris that he wants to go on a "real" date, defined by him calling her up and asking her out. Paris totally buys into the misogyny and leaves to wait by the phone.

I have to wonder why people buy tracksuits that are entirely too small for them. Isn't the whole point of tracksuits that you're going to be using them for exercise, so having a little extra room to move around in is desirable? And yet, here's Lucy, sitting in the Treehouse of Lurv, a wearing hideous bright pink tracksuit that is so tight on her that if she tried to do a lunge, it would surely burst apart Hulk-style. It's so tight that she can't even zip it over her chest. Anyway, Lucy is picking through the trashcan she's smartly placed in the dead center of the room. Of course, she finds a flyer advertising the "Glenoak Police Department Husband/Wife Softball League." Lucy attempts to look sad by cartoonishly narrowing her eyes. Needless to say, the saxophone feels her pain. I wonder if it also feels the pain of Glenoak's singles, or couples who aren't married or are homosexual, and thus not allowed to play on this softball team.

Annie walks into the dark kitchen (and what is going on with that? It's been shrouded in darkness all season. Can't production afford a couple light bulbs?) and announces that Asslee's coming over for dinner. Ruthie expresses disgust that Asslee is coming over to eat again, but seeing as her basically live-in boyfriend is currently setting the dining room table, I don't think she has the right to complain, do you?

RevCam comes home and tries to escape his horrible family by running upstairs. Unfortunately, Peter is blocking his path. He asks RevCam if he talked to Dr. Hastings. Dr. Hastings as in "Special Guest Star Ed Begley Jr. Dr. Hastings"? Please don't let him appear today. Wait -- isn't he a gynecologist? What could Peter possibly be asking RevCam to talk to a gynecologist about? Maybe he wants to know more about recent internet rumors he's heard about the bleach in tampons causing cancer. Should he be buying Paris and Ruthie special unbleached tampons from the local natural foods store? They are more expensive, but you can't put a price on health. RevCam says that he did talk to Ed Begley, Jr. about Peter's idea to bring his dog to the hospital to cheer up rehab patients. While the hospital liked the idea, they thought that Peter was too young. So they rejected the request, and RevCam agrees with them that Peter is too young and innocent to deal with the very adult subject of drug and alcohol addiction. Whatever -- when I was only a little older than Peter, I volunteered at a hospital, and part of my job was walking new rehab admittees to the floor. It was extremely awkward, but I didn't lose my innocence over it or anything. Peter says that he wants to do this as his commitment, which means that this commitment storyline has now been a part of three episodes, which is some damn impressive continuity for this show, so he will not be deterred. And he will quote RevCam's speech about being the wind beneath the wings of his faith verbatim until RevCam agrees to help. Peter, did you ever know that you're my hero? And everything I would like to be? Flyy-yieeee FLYY-EEE-YIEEEEE! Fly HIGH AGAINST THE SKYYYYY! It takes a lot of middle school talent show attendance to memorize the lyrics to that song, but I did it. RevCam finally agrees to try to convince the hospital officials to let Peter volunteer in rehab when Peter brings up disturbing mental images of Chandler and Paris being "busy" with each other.

The opening credits have gotten a slight upgrade overall that is best compared to how Sears will give you new cabinet faces instead of entirely new cabinets. They may look better and save money, but underneath it all, they're still the same old termite-infested, poor-wood-quality cabinets. Catherine Hicks gets all new face shots that show off her horrible new hairstyle. And there are not one, but two, shots of characters playing baseball, and one of them is Martin. That's right -- he's back. Let the NotRobbie-ing begin!

This week's Opening Credits Timewaster is RevCam taking like six dishes out of the dishwasher and putting them away. You'd think that people who should be concerned about saving money wouldn't run the water- and electricity-consuming dishwasher until it was full, but no. Anyway, RevCam goes about his business with typical enthusiasm and aplomb as The Piano of Chores gets down. Annie walks in as RevCam is preparing to put the cutlery away. After RevCam proudly announces that he's done something around the house, Annie takes pleasure in informing him that all the dishes he just put away were dirty. The piano plays a musical interpretation of "D'oh!" How did RevCam not notice that the dishes were dirty? Isn't it totally obvious? It is in my dishwasher -- it smells and there's food all over the place and the dishes are filthy. Perhaps the dishes are left over from SamVid's last meal of "invisible breakfast." Annie expresses concern over Asslee's absence from dinner last night, and suspects that her froggy dad lied to her about where Asslee was when Annie asked him about it. "Bud. WISE! Errrrr," was what he said, and Annie just doesn't think that this adds up. She's kind of irritated about the whole thing, because Asslee didn't call to tell her she wasn't going to be at dinner and that's not polite. She should have called, told Annie she couldn't go to dinner, and then hung up on her without saying goodbye. That would have been polite. Annie asks RevCam if he thinks Asslee is spending too much time at the CamPound. RevCam says "yes," to which Annie glares at him angrily because she's a psycho. RevCam tries to recover by saying that Asslee does spend a lot of time with them, but it's not a problem for anyone. Especially not him, I'll bet. Annie says it is a problem for someone. At this point, Ruthie enters and, not noticing Annie's totally obvious pointing at her, says she's off to the rehab center with Peter, and she's taking Happy with her. Annie doesn't like this idea, especially since she thought she and Ruthie had plans to hang out at the Promenade today. "I'm sure you can get Asslee to go with you!" Ruthie says, smirking.

"Is something wrong?" Kevin asks. Why, yes, Kevin; yes, there is. You're not wearing a shirt, and it's causing me a great deal of internal conflict. On one hand, you're a disgusting person and I hate you. On the other, you're not wearing a shirt. Fortunately, Kevin puts a t-shirt on and spares me the embarrassment of writing about how Kevin is totally HOTT. Lucy confronts him about today's softball game. Kevin manages to smirk and wince at the same time. Lucy wants to know why she hasn't been asked to play on the team her husband coaches. Kevin says it's because she sucks at softball. Lucy says that she's going to the game today and she's going to play, and if Kevin doesn't want her to, then "you know." I don't know, but I have a feeling that it has to do with sex and Kevin not getting any, so I don't want to think about it anymore.

Paris answers her persistently ringing doorbell to reveal a tiny Ruthie and a humongous Chandler. "I'll go get Peter!" Ruthie practically screams, thus providing Chandler and Paris with a chance to make out. Paris puts on her Evil Single Woman voice and tells Chandler that Peter is sleeping over at the Camdens' tonight. Chandler makes a dumb expression. Paris takes this to mean that he's offended by her sluttiness and tries to backpedal, but Ruthie and Peter and their dogs run in and whisk Chandler away. Meanwhile, the hell? Did she say that Peter is sleeping over his girlfriend's house? I don't think I'll ever understand what kind of family values this show is trying to teach me.

Outside somewhere, Martin walks by Lucy. She stops him and asks him if he plays softball, and can he teach her how. "Maybe," he says, then tries to walk away. Lucy says she's desperate. "Yeah, I got that," Martin says. True, but mean. Martin walks away again, but then stops and tells her that he can give her a softball lesson tomorrow after church. Lucy says that it has to be right now, as her first game is in four hours. Martin doesn't think he'll be able to teach her anything, and he has date plans for now besides, but he'll try to teach her something anyway, as long as his date can "tag along." I'll bet his girlfriend is going to be really psyched to see that her date is at the romantic batting cages. Lucy and Martin leave to pick up his girlfriend by walking across a ten-foot-wide sidewalk and off-screen. Where they hell are they, anyway?

Annie has taken insanity to new levels by preparing a plate full of beautifully made ham sandwiches for no one. A phone call from Asslee provides her with some momentary distraction. Annie asks her where she was last night. Asslee says that she was out with some friends and lost track of time. "That's okay!" Annie says. "Thanksssss," Asslee hisses. Can't someone teach that girl how to talk? Annie asks Asslee if she wants to come over for lunch. Asslee says she can't. Annie refuses to get the hint and invites her over for dinner. Asslee says she can't do that either. "Is something wrong?" Annie asks. Hey, maybe Asslee just wants to spend some time with her real family. I don't think she's seen her real mother in six months. Asslee says that she has to work a double shift today for her parents. "Oh, work," Annie says, sounding all surprised because the concept of working for a living has no meaning to her. "Well, have a good day and, you know, if you have time, come on by for --" and then Asslee straight-up hangs up on her, exhales in relief, and rolls her eyes. Annie realizes that she's talking to a dial tone, shrugs, and hangs up. That was probably the single most gratifying moment I've ever experienced while watching this show. I gave the episode an A just for that. But don't think it made me like Asslee any more. Still hate her.