We begin with an exterior shot of the absolutely huge Glenoak Police Station. Hey, you can afford to build big stations when you're getting bribery bucks from the local minister. Inside, Roxanne tells the inquiring Det. Michaels that she's "looking over a file," although not a file related to police work. Who tells their boss that they're spending paid work time not doing work? Not me -- I always try to make sure it looks like I'm doing productive work when my boss is around. I usually accomplish this by walking purposefully from one side of the room to the other, and then back again. Anyway, the file is on one "Jordan James," a kid from the troubled teen center. As part of her commitment from last episode, Roxanne will be mentoring him. She's nervous because she's never "been responsible for a kid before," as if mentoring was akin to adoption or something. Det. Michaels gives the file a three-second glance, then pronounces that Jordan "looks like trouble." Well, it's great to see an officer of the law so free of bias and partiality making informed decisions about the people he's supposed to be protecting. Roxanne rightfully points out that sometimes looks can be deceiving. Det. Michaels replies that sometimes they can be telling, too. I hate to admit that Det. Michaels's little generalizations-are-good statement has any truth to it, but the fact is that it does. For example, after just seeing the previews for tonight's 7th Heaven, I decided that the show was going to suck and irritate the holy hell out of me. And so far, I'm right.
In the church office (at least, I think it's the church office. As there was no exterior shot, I cannot be absolutely certain), RevCam simply can't believe that Chandler is doing work on a Friday night, a.k.a. "date night," which the Camdens no doubt consider to be more sacred than the Sabbath. Chandler growls that dating every female member of the church showed him that he's not ready to date. He says that "it didn't work." What didn't work? Oh, wait…I don't think I want to know. Chandler and RevCam continue to argue about relationships and dating and other stuff that men never talk about with each other in a confusing and roundabout manner.
Lucy enters the CamKitchen (again, I cannot be completely sure that this is the CamKitchen, as there was no establishing location shot, so I could be totally wrong here) and kisses her hubby on the cheek. He smirks his greetings. Kevin complains that he can't get anyone who isn't related to or a "close friend" of the family to attend tonight's first Neighborhood Watch meeting. So that's like, what, three people? Doesn't seem like a dearth of people worth canceling a meeting over, but whatever. Suddenly, the large mop in the back of the room begins to speak and suggests that Kevin make the meeting into a party. Oh, I'm sorry, that wasn't a mop -- that's Annie, with a hideous new hairstyle that makes the poodle-do look flattering and stylish in comparison. Yeah, it's that bad. She looks like a blonde Cousin It. Anyway, Kevin doesn't like the idea of lying to the neighbors about a having a party just to get them to come. Annie comes up with a second brilliant idea of how to attract meeting attendees: Kevin can tell people that if they attend, they'll automatically be invited to tomorrow's block party. What block party? Why, the one Annie just decided to throw, of course. You can do stuff like that when you have small children to take care of, a case of severe depression to get over, and a very tight budget to get around. She wants to get to know her neighbors again, as so many of them have moved out and been replaced in the last few years. I simply can't imagine why anyone with the Camdens for neighbors would want to move, can you?
Peter and Asslee walk into the room, hear about the party, and volunteer their family members to help out. How considerate of them. I'm sure Paris and Asslee's dad will be psyched to drop everything to help the Camdens because their crappy children said they would. Like the time I signed my mother up to chaperone a second-grade field trip. She was so thrilled that she called the school immediately and demanded her name be taken off the list, then took away my television privileges. Ruthie asks if she can invite her new friend Jill and her family, to give them a chance to meet their new neighbors, even though they've lived in the area for months now and obviously have no interest in meeting new people. All signs point to their loving this party idea. Annie says that sounds like such a great idea that they should just turn the block party into a Welcome to the Neighborhood, Jill's Family party. Kevin says that Annie's plan won't work because the meeting is supposed to start in an hour. Um, maybe you need to turn off your negativity subroutine, there, T-1000. Just because you have a job and a life and stuff doesn't mean you have to piss on poor Annie's only way to feel like worthwhile and contributing member of the community. Annie says it will work, then savagely rips Kevin's list of names and phone numbers out of his hands, probably giving him a few nasty paper cuts in the process. Good. Hey, why is Asslee there? SamVid isn't in sight, and Annie doesn't need her to help out anyway since she's apparently not having contract disputes that require her character to spend half the episode in "Arizona" for once.
Finally the credits start up. Not in them? Martin, again. Maybe he's just "hanging out" (as in, broke into and mooched off of for a period of several hours), in the Treehouse of Lurv, which also remains off-screen this episode.
Today's Opening Credits Timewaster begins with an exterior shot of the CamPound -- thank God, I was getting really confused about our location for a while there -- which then turns into Kevin setting up what appears to be a home-made version of "Win, Lose, or Draw." Someone's got a fun and crazy night planned! Actually, it's just Officer Kevin's List of Kewl Tipz and Trickz for a Safe Neighborhood, like "lock your windows" and "don't put your house key in the flowerpot." Lucy enters, and the two admire the large turnout for the meeting. Then Lucy proceeds to walk in and out of the room with a plate of cookies about six times. Lucy had so little to do in this episode, they should have just sent her off to Arizona. Chandler enters, and RevCam pats him on the shoulder and tells him to go somewhere. Asslee's dad, who bears a remarkable resemblance to a frog, enters and tries to get as much camera time as he can. RevCam asks Annie if she's seen Jill's parents; she hasn't. They decide that they'll just have to wait until tomorrow's block party to meet them.
In the kitchen, Peter's mom, Paris, fills a coffee carafe with coffee from a huge banquet-style coffee dispenser that Annie probably stole from the church when no one was looking. Or, rather, when everyone was looking. At the crisp, new twenty-dollar bills RevCam slipped into their hands. They're colorful and filled with security features! As Paris turns to leave, Chandler totally walks into her, spilling coffee all over her crotch. Paris just laughs and laughs as Chandler apologizes profusely. Either Paris is such a WHORE! that her crotch region has become desensitized, or she's laughing with joy over how much money she's going to sue the Camdens for their improperly marked hazardous coffee facilities. Chandler and Paris introduce themselves to each other, then walk back into the CamDen, where RevCam uses his innate Love Detector to sense possible sexual tension between his assistant and his daughter's boyfriend's mother.
Who wears his police uniform to a Neighborhood Watch meeting? It's "that guy," also known as Kevin Kinkirk! He assumes the proper air of authority by hopping up on the stairs and ordering everyone into the CamDen so he can start. Annie and Paris have some girl talk about Chandler on their way in. Paris asks Annie if he's too young for her. Annie says that her opinion isn't what's important. You know, because she's a woman. Paris's jaw slackens to express emotion.
Up in her bedroom, Ruthie and Peter are doing what all young couples do when their parents leave them alone and unsupervised in a bedroom. Talking about religion, that is! Ruthie wonders if Jill's parents made it to the meeting. Peter asks Ruthie if anyone will mind that they're Muslim. Ruthie doesn't see why anyone has to know that they are. Peter's shocked; he can't believe Ruthie didn't tell her parents about Jill's religion. Ruthie asks why she should, as she didn't tell her parents what religion he was when she met him. "That's a little different, doncha think?" Peter says. Why's that, Peter? Because your religion is "normal," whereas Jill's is "strange" and "exotic"? Shut up. Ruthie says that she just wants people to get to know Jill's family before they make any decisions about them based on their religion. "What's a Maah-zaaa-lummmm?" SamVid asks. Damn, I was hoping we could make it through the entire scene without hearing from them. "Someone who practices the Islamic religion," Ruthie responds. Oh, that's brilliant, Ruthie. Surely the four-year-old twins, who have no idea what a Muslim is, are well-acquainted with the Islamic religion and will thus totally understand your definition. SamVid asks if they're Muslim. Ruthie responds that they're Protestants, then silently hopes that the twins won't ask her to get any more specific than that. Ruthie asks if SamVid remembers Yasmin, who was also Muslim. She sure was. I'm surprised she didn't just travel on a parade float with a big ol' sign on it that said "MUSLIM" with an arrow pointing to her, the way she was always carrying on about it. And why hasn't Yasmin's family been invited to the meeting or the party? Oh, that's right -- the Glenoak's strictly-enforced "one representative minority per event" ordinance. SamVid wants to know what the difference is between "us" (Protestants) and "them" (Muslims). Ruthie and Peter explain that while both groups believe in God, they do so in different ways. "But if we all believe in God, aren't we all the same?" SamVid asks. Yes, and atheists belong in an entirely separate group known as "Satan's Minions."
Roxanne has dinner with the Jordan the Troubled Youth. He's sporting what appears to be the male version of Annie's unfortunate hairstyle. I wonder if the show's hairstylists and make-up artists (who have once again applied The Least Flattering Colors of Lipstick Ever to the entire female cast) are trying to tell us something. Maybe there's some kind of code in those garish colors, or a signal fire hidden in Annie's nest of hair. I just can't see any other reason for why they would make the cast look so horrible every week. Jordan opens things up awkwardly by telling Roxanne that she's too pretty to be a police officer. Roxanne brushes this aside and asks Jordan about his other counselors. He explains that they all dropped out due to lack of interest in the program, or him. How sad. Roxanne suggests that they could see "the new action movie" tomorrow. It's playing on a double bill with Generic Comedy Feature. Jordan says that he can't because he needs to help his mother out this weekend, but suggests dinner and a movie weekend. I wonder if the real reason why Jordan's counselors ditched him is because his awkward flirting made them feel uncomfortable.
Kevin asks the crowd if they have any questions. Since this is Glenoak, Land of the Stupid, they most certainly do. First up is Asslee's dad, who -- after expositing all of Kevin's fabulous off-screen safety tips, which include getting better outdoor lighting and leaving the lights on when on vacation (apparently, Kevin also works for the Glenoak Electric Company) -- asks if there are any further ways to be safe. Some old guy stands up and says that Asslee's dad is talking about buying guns. "No, I'm not!" Asslee's dad whines. "Well, I am!" says the old guy. I have a feeling the old guy and I are going to become good friends. Kevin does not recommend getting guns. Old guy protests that this will leave him defenseless. Kevin tells him to just call the police. "What if the robbers don't let me 'call the police'?" the old guy asks, thinking he has outsmarted Officer Kevin. Which he has, but it's not like that's any kind of big accomplishment. The occupants of the room titter. Through a focus so soft I thought I was watching Star Trek for a second, Kevin lectures on the evils of guns. During this, we see a shot of RevCam looking like he's trying not to fall asleep. You'd think, considering that he is probably the only person in the room who's actually been shot, he'd be a little more into this, but no. Kevin says that more often than not, the victim's gun is used against him. Old guy doesn't understand how this is possible when he's planning to shoot the robber first. Old guy might be a scary man to have living in your neighborhood, but he's a welcome addition to this show. Kevin passes his business card, which lists every phone number he can possibly be reached at, out to the old guy and other meeting attendees, and says to call him anytime if anyone ever needs him. This seems to satisfy the old guy, and he sits down.
Kevin ends the meeting, and everyone applauds politely. Annie claps with great enthusiasm, then jumps up to remind everyone to come to her stupid block party. Kevin leaves the room to answer a page from the station. He walks by RevCam and the old guy, who's asking if the block party will cost him anything. RevCam says it will not. Totally not listening, old guy says that he's on a fixed income and can't afford to attend a party for people he doesn't know. Then he says that "Mildred told Harry that Jim said" that the party is being thrown to welcome the Duprees to the neighborhood. Couldn't the writers at least try to think of some names that weren't popular in the '50s? Even the Muslim girl is called "Jill." The old guy asks RevCam pointed questions about who the Duprees are and where they come from. RevCam says he thinks they came from across town. Old guy says that their last name implies that they're from somewhere "a lot farther away." It does? Really? Well, Wing Chun's last name is "Ariano" -- does that mean that she's originally from Italy? Or does Brenda need to realize that just because someone doesn't have a white-bread Mayflower passenger name like "Hampton," he or she isn't automatically from another country? Eric tries to escape from the old guy, but is unsuccessful. Kevin walks up to Asslee's frogdaddy and tells him that they need to go, and they'll talk in the car. A nearby Lucy feigns concern. I really hope Kevin's news has something to do with Asslee dying and me never seeing her again.
Up in the attic, Ruthie's lame clear phone ring-a-ling-lings. It's Jill, calling to inform Ruthie, in her snottiest tone, that her parents didn't go to the meeting. Ruthie whines that her parents were "really looking forward" to meeting Jill's parents. "Do they know my parents are Muslim?" Jill asks. Nope. "Why not?" Jill demands. Ruthie says that she didn't tell her parents because it's not as important as Jill seems to think it is. Jill says that her parents were right not to go to the meeting, and about everyone hating them there. Then we see Ruthie and Jill together in a lame split screen, which, in this particular case, kind of looks one of those "Separated at Birth?" side-by-side pictures. Princess Jill announces that her parents have decided not to go to the block party because no one will like them once they find out that they're Muslim, and Ruthie must think that too, otherwise she would have made a rooftop announcement about her new friends' religious beliefs. Ruthie asks what she's supposed to tell her parents about the Duprees canceling the party in their honor. "You were supposed to tell them that my family was Muslim," Jill snots, then hangs up without saying goodbye. Hey, do you think that Jill maybe has a little bit of a victim complex?
Asslee's dad and Kevin enter his house, which has been ransacked. Frogdaddy calls out for his daughter with his annoying whiny voice until she comes in and says she's fine; she wasn't in the house when it was robbed. They hug, and Asslee explains that she found the house like this and immediately called the cops. Asslee's dad wonders who the culprits could be; Det. Michaels comes out of nowhere to say that neighbors saw "three young men" leaving the house, which fits the description of the suspects of other house robberies in the area. "What kind of kids do this?" Asslee's dad asks. Apparently, kids who like costume jewelry, as Asslee explains that all of her jewelry, including the earrings Simon gave her, is gone. The local pawn shop should give the thieves a tidy sum of a nickel for that lot. Asslee sobs and hugs her father, hiding her face so we can't see that it's completely free of actual tears. Kevin smirks sympathetically. Asslee's dad says that Asslee's mom is going to be "heartbroken" about all this. Where is she, anyway? Was she home when the robbery occurred? Poor lady's probably tied up in the closet somewhere, hoping against hope that she'll be discovered before she dies of thirst. Det. Michaels points at that at least no one was hurt. Kevin says that they look pretty hurt to him. Shut up, Kevin.
Ruthie comes downstairs and informs her parents that the Duprees won't be coming to tonight's block party. RevCam and Annie's faces positively fall with sadness, especially Annie's. I think her jowls might have made contact with the counter. She asks why the Duprees won't go to the party. "Because they're Muslim," Ruthie says. "Well, we'll cancel that roast pig!" Annie says. "Then they'll be able to come!" Ruthie says it's not about the roast pig (because I made that up); the Duprees believe that once everyone knows their religion, they will hate them, like what happened to Yasmin and her family. RevCam decides to pretend that he didn't hear the last part of that sentence and responds that no one will care that the Duprees are Muslim. Ruthie says that she thought that too, and that's why she didn't tell anyone. Lucy comes in and announces that "the boys are down for their nap." Let us all hope that they never come back up. RevCam asks about Asslee and her family. Lucy says that they're upset, but still willing to come to the block party. Ruthie says that's great, except that now there may not be a party. RevCam and Annie fight over who gets to twist the Duprees' arms into attending. RevCam wins, because the women in the house need to buy things and set up for the party. Lucy says that she hopes someone will find a free minute to tell her what's going on. Poor Lucy; it must suck to have no one in your family like you very much.
Somewhere, a phone rings. Peter picks it up. "Uh…hi!" says Chandler. Peter instantly figures out who's calling and who he really wants to speak to, and gives the phone to Paris. Peter walks away, saying he's going to Ruthie's house. Paris asks what happened to their lunch plans. Peter says that Ruthie "needs" him, so he has to cancel. Paris gets over this disappointment by remembering that there's a man on the other line. They have an extremely awkward, pause-filled conversation made even worse by the fact that it's presented in a split-screen. Eventually, Chandler says that he wants to make up for spilling coffee on her last night by spilling lunch on her this afternoon. Paris doesn't get it, because she's really pretty stupid. Chandler apologizes for his failed attempt at being "witty." Paris suggests that Chandler just be himself. Way to make it even more difficult for someone to ask you out by pointing out his inadequacies in the most obvious and embarrassing way possible, Paris. Chandler again asks Paris to lunch, and she says yes, if Chandler promises not to be witty. I'm sure he'll have no problem keeping that particular vow. They also decide to make it a friendly gathering, because neither is ready for a real date: Chandler because he's still getting over Roxanne, and Paris because of "that whole thing with Dick last spring." Dicks can be hard to get over.
Roxanne runs into work wearing an entirely inappropriate tight tank top that displays her midriff and cleavage for all to see. Not that there's anything wrong with wearing that; it just doesn't seem like a good choice of work attire unless, of course, you work at Hooters. She asks Kevin what he's doing there, as she thought it was his day off. He says that Asslee's home robbery is more important than his day off. He and Det. Michaels are already working hard on the case by thinking about distributing lists of the stolen goods to local pawn shops. But why do your job when you can ask Roxanne about her troubled teen instead? Roxanne says that she was supposed to be with him this weekend, but he has to help his mother out. Det. Michaels and Kevin jump all over that, asking if he's lying. Det. Michaels says that she should "check up" on Jordan's story. I think Det. Michaels should check up on a mirror in his house, because that purple shirt-and-tie combination he's sporting is just awful. Kevin gets a call from someone named "Fred," a neighbor of the Camdens. Det. Michaels assumes that Fred must be calling with information about Asslee's robbery, and sends Kevin to go check it out. Roxanne close-talks to Det. Michaels and says that Jordan is a good kid, and she needs to catch up on some paperwork. Do I sense sexual tension between those two? I need RevCam's Love Detector to be sure!
Annie selects two small floral arrangements at a small kiosk on the Promenade. The florist lets her have them for free because of the block party. Well, that's cool, although I don't really see what one thing has to do with the other. The florist says he's planning on coming. Was he invited? He asks Annie for more information about the Duprees. He heard they were "European." Annie says that he can ask them about their nationality at the party, then leaves without taking her free basket of white roses.
The Dupreerents enter Eric's office. I'm surprised they didn't have some lines about how "different" RevCam's office is compared to their place of worship, which, by the way, is a mosque. A Muslim mosque. For Muslims. The Duprees say that they came to RevCam because it's "safer" than him coming to them, because they're Muslims. Wha? They add, of course, that no one in their old neighborhood liked them because of that. Eric says he's sorry. Mo lectures that Eric shouldn't feel sorry for them, but for the people who hate them. Someone also needs to feel sorry for Mrs. Dupree's hair and rescue it from the oil spill it appears to be drowning in. The Duprees say that they appreciate the Camdens' party gesture, but they don't want to come. They don't want anyone to know that they're Muslim. As the only party clothes they own all say "I'M MUSLIM!!" on them in big red letters, this totally makes sense. RevCam begs them to reconsider, saying that he knows his neighbors and they won't mind the Muslim thing. He chooses not to mention how much fun it's been for Yasmin and her family to be the neighborhood Muslims. The Duprees say that you don't really know your neighbors until they find out that you're Muslim and hate you. RevCam says that they can't spend the rest of their lives isolated because they're afraid of people. Mo says that this way is safer, and Mrs. Dupree adds that they can't afford to move again if there are any more problems, so this is what they have to do. If they could only afford to move once, and they wanted to go somewhere more tolerant than Glenoak, then why did they stay in Glenoak? "So thank you, but, no thank you," Mo says. I wonder if the reason why so many people hate the Duprees isn't because they're Muslim, but because they rudely turn down their invitations to parties thrown in their honor.
Lucy asks a sidewalk grocer for twenty watermelons. He correctly assumes that they're for the block party, which everyone is talking about. That's ridiculous. He says that he'll deliver everything to the house and sell it "at cost." Lucy says that this earns him an invitation to the block party. He starts asking about the Duprees, and where they're from. "Are they American? Are they like us?" Lucy asks what he's talking about. "Oh, come on, you know what I'm asking!" says the grocer. He says he's heard some things about the Duprees, and wanted to know if they were true. You know, if you're going to be a racist, why be subtle about it? Why not come right out and ask if the Duprees are WASPs like you? Lucy says that if he heard that they were hard-working decent people, then he heard right. Then she walks away while the grocer decides charge the Camdens full price for those watermelons.
Kevin displays his much-lauded sandwich-making skills to Fred, who is, of course, the old guy from the meeting. Fred complains about Kevin's excessive mayo-spreading and pickle-garnishing. Kevin gives him the sandwich and asks Fred if, now that Kevin has walked his dog, fixed random stuff around his house, and made him a sandwich, Fred will tell him what he knows about Asslee's house. Fred says that he doesn't know anything except that if Asslee had a gun in the house, this wouldn't have happened. He only called Kevin because Kevin said to call if he needed anything. And now he needs Kevin to get him some milk. Soy milk, because he's lactose intolerant. Selectively lactose intolerant, apparently, as he's got a honking big piece of cheese on that sandwich.
Officer Crewmember'sSon makes a return appearance to smarmily give Roxanne a small present that Jordan left for her. Roxanne opens it, and sad music tells us that Something's Wrong.
Annie and Lucy walk into the house, arms filled with party supplies. RevCam says that the Duprees aren't coming to the party, and neither, according to all the phone calls he's gotten this afternoon, is anyone else. Eric suspects it's because of the Dupree's Muslimness, because the neighbors said that if it weren't for people "like the Duprees," there wouldn't have been a war, and that people "like the Duprees" didn't support Americans in the war. RevCam's eyes fill with tears as he says that everyone sounded "full of anger, and hate." Ruthie and Peter sulk and walk out, but not before Peter can throw an anvil our way with a statement about how wrong it is that people can hate people they don't even know. RevCam says he wants to move. Yeah, good luck finding another town with a free mansion for its minister.
Paris thanks Chandler for lunch, saying that she "loves hot dogs." Chandler says he loves "fast food." Paris says that she especially likes "fat and grease." Do you think that maybe this conversation has some sexual undertones?
In an anonymous living room, Roxanne gives Asslee the present that Jordan gave her. Jeez, Roxanne, you could have just pretended to like the gift -- you didn't have to pass it off to someone else. That's rude. Asslee takes one look at it, chuckles slightly, and flatly says that those are her ugly earrings. Way to act, Ashley Simpson. She asks Roxanne where she got them; Roxanne says she thinks she found out who robbed her house. No, Jordan, NO! I had so much faith in you.
The CamKitchen is filled with banquetware and a busily cooking Annie. I thought the party was cancelled? RevCam runs in and says that the Duprees want to come to the party after all. Ruthie asks what's going to happen when they get there and find out that no one else showed up. For one, they'll get all the watermelons they want?
Kevin tries to explain to Fred that he's a police officer, not a butler. The camera pulls back to reveal that Kevin has now been asked to mow Fred's lawn. How unexpected and thus funny. Kevin says that as a police officer, he's supposed to serve everyone. Fred says that that's all he asking for -- service. Specifically, service that includes a nicely-edged lawn. He starts the mower for Kevin, then hops on his porch and eats his sandwich while watching Kevin work. I hope that mower has a special astro-turf function on it, or else that "grass" isn't going anywhere. I also hope that Det. Michaels wanders by, sees what his officers are doing during their overtime hours, and fires Kevin.
RevCam answers the phone. It's Mrs. Bink, and she's calling to confirm that she'll be at the party. "WITH BELLS ON!" she screams. She doesn't care what the neighbors say about the Duprees because you can't define anyone by their race or religion. I'm sad to say that not even Eileen Brennan can act well enough to make the split screen she's been put into seem any less cheesy. Mrs. Bink adds that all this stuff about "freedom" fries and "freedom" toast is just ridiculous, because neither food item was created in France. RevCam finally starts to catch on that something's not right here, which everyone else sort of guessed as soon as the florist said the Duprees sounded European to him, but whatever. Mrs. Bink explains that everyone thinks the Duprees are French, and everyone hates the French after they refused to participate in the Iraqi War. Eric explains that the Duprees aren't French -- "they're Muslim." Because Muslim is a nationality now. And apparently the special effects budget ran out at this particular moment, as the split screen rather abruptly ends with RevCam's face getting pushed off the screen. While he's speaking. Which was awesome. RevCam hangs up on his neighbor, leaving her to talk to herself, as Annie and Lucy walk in, looking as horribly depressed as they always do. RevCam runs up and tells them that their neighbors don't hate Muslims after all -- they hate the French! "The Duprees aren't French," Annie says. RevCam asks where Kevin is, then demands that Lucy run and fetch him. Because he's calling an "emergency" Neighborhood Watch meeting.
Paris and Chandler exit a movie theater. I wonder if they just watched The Re-Released To Capitalize On Oscar Buzz Drama Flick. The two agree that they enjoy talking to each other. "I haven't had a lot of male company since Dick left," says Paris. Wow, that never stops being funny. "That is, of course, since I haven't been able to trust my instincts about men since Dick left," Paris continues (still funny), then says that she'll tell Chandler her instincts about him after he buys her a cup of coffee. They awkwardly hold, then un-hold, then hold hands as they walk away.
Ruthie enters the CamBoudoir (or should I say, in the spirit of this episode, the CamFreedomBedroom?) to tell RevCam that everyone's downstairs, waiting for him to start the meeting. Those poor neighbors probably think there's some kind of real emergency necessitating the calling of this meeting. They're probably very scared and anxious. They are going to be so pissed when they find that it's just about the Duprees not being French. Ruthie thanks RevCam for helping her friend. RevCam says that he hasn't helped them yet. Ruthie says he has. Well, not really. Ruthie says she's proud to have such a great dad, and that she hopes he can smack some sense into their neighbors.
Kevin enters the meeting and sits to Lucy, then complains about Fred and his lactose intolerance. Lucy apparently snickers at this, but I couldn't tell because her head ducked off frame and the focus was really blurry besides. Is there some kind of camera operator strike going on at the 7th Heaven set? Maybe they let Aunt Julie direct again. Lucy suggests that Kevin find Fred a friend. So he can boss that person around instead? I think what old Fred needs is an attitude adjustment, although it is nice to see the Camdens at the receiving end of someone's inflated sense of entitlement. Lucy says that if Fred shows up at the party, she'll get him a friend. Assuming that there is a party. Through gritted teeth, Annie says that "there WILL. Be. A party." No one crosses the line between determined and insane quite like Annie Camden. Annie and Peter discuss Paris and Chandler's whereabouts. Watching those two speak to each other is like watching two bad ventriloquists. They move their jaws from side to side, but never really open their mouths.
RevCam comes downstairs and starts the meeting. I can't believe so many people showed up. Apparently, like the Camdens, no one in Glenoak ever has anything better to do. Big Bald Guy raises his hand, then immediately asks if the meeting is about the robbery of Asslee's ugly jewelry. I hate when people raise their hands and talk without waiting to be called on. I mean, why bother to raise your hand if you're not going to respect hand-raising etiquette? RevCam says that the meeting is about the Duprees, and how they're totally not French. A ridiculous shot of the audience shows everyone smiling and looking relieved. "That's good to know," Big Bald Guy says. Then RevCam adds that the Duprees are Muslim, and Big Bald Guy frowns and folds his arms. A shot of the entire group shows their smiles turn into frowns. I can't believe how stupid this show is. RevCam says that he just had to see the prejudice and narrow-mindedness of his neighbors with his own eyes. "Now, hold on, Eric --" says Big Bald Guy. "No, YOU hold on!" RevCam retorts, then says he doesn't know what's worse -- boycotting the party because the Duprees are French, or because they're Muslim. "You're not being fair --" Big Bald Guy starts. "No, YOU'RE not being fair!" RevCam says. In fact, no one is being fair and everyone is being unfair. A lady in the crowd actually lets out a shocked gasp when RevCam asks how people can judge someone based on the color of their skin, or religion, or country of origin. Big Bald Guy -- it shouldn't surprise anyone that the 7th Heaven budget couldn't afford two extras with speaking parts -- tells RevCam to "listen." "No, YOU listen!" RevCam says. Okay, he doesn't, but he does bow his head in sad respect as BBG talks about his nephew in Iraq and "the bombing of the World Trade Center." Um, what? "Bombing"? That little mistake is just further proof that Brenda really doesn't have any contact with the outside world whatsoever. She probably lives in one of the wings of Aaron Spelling's mansion, where she has the windows boarded up and the walls covered with 7th Heaven scripts. She reads them instead of a newspaper, and watches tapes of the show instead of the news. I think Spelling does that too, except substitute 7th Heaven with The Love Boat. ["Any other show on TV, I would give the writers the benefit of some doubt and think that maaaaybe they meant the 1993 bombing, but…not this show. Because HATE." -- Sars]
RevCam begins another stutteringly delivered PSA-monologue about how we can't judge people by the actions of others. For instance, look at "us," RevCam says, "look at America." So he's implying that the Duprees, as Muslims, aren't "American," and also equating the room full of white Protestants to Americans. How tolerant of him. RevCam says that he hopes the world views him "free of prejudice unless [he] personally, you know, give[s] them a reason to, to distrust or-or-or hate [him]." Which, of course, he has, so don't anyone feel like hating RevCam is wrong. RevCam says he hopes everyone will reconsider attending the party. The Sad Guitar plays over various shots of audience members looking pensive. At least, I think they are -- it's hard to tell when the camera often fails to capture the subject's entire face in the frame. And when it does, the shot is totally out of focus. Brilliant.
I love how the many commercials for Everwood that played throughout the show have proclaimed it to be a "special Monday night event," like just the fact that it's not 7th Heaven makes it so.
It's nighttime at Glenoak PD Blue, and Roxanne, in uniform with her hair swept into a no-nonsense braid-bun thing, walks to a holding cell that predictably contains Jordan. She asks him if he wants to talk. He asks if he's "really" under arrest. Roxanne says that he isn't. Jordan's second question is if it's illegal to lock him up like this. Roxanne says it's not, because Glenoak has its own rules specifically designed to rob its residents of as many freedoms as possible. And if you don't believe her, you can go ask Mary's confiscated sports car. Roxanne says someone has to get through to Jordan, and she needs to know who robbed the houses. Jordan says that if he tells, he'll get beaten up. Roxanne gives him the old "you're at a crossroads" speech, then says that she'll do whatever she can to help him if he picks the right path. Which would be the path of telling on his friends.
In front of someone's house, Chandler and Paris talk about how much fun they had today and how they don't want to be just friends. They start to kiss, but Paris (!) pulls away. She says they just met, and there's an age difference. It didn't stop her with Ben, but I guess Paris is a changed woman now. "And what about Peter?" Chandler asks. I'm glad someone's thinking about him, even if it isn't his own mother. They agree to be friends, then make out complete with groans and loud kissing. They're so loud they don't hear it when Paris's butt gets knocked into the doorbell, making it ring. Of course, Peters answers it and watches them for a while. He finally alerts them to his presence and asks his mother where she's been all day. That's right -- Paris is so self-centered that she didn't even think to tell her own child where she was for an entire day. Sometimes, like when I remember that he's dating Ruthie, I feel bad for Peter. Chandler and Paris claim that they've been doing "church business," and walk inside. Should an associate pastor be lying like that?
In the dimly-lit CamKitchen, RevCam wonders what they'll do if no one shows up for the party. Annie says that they'll be eating chicken tenders and beans for a month. But don't forget, Annie -- that chicken and those beans came at cost! That's quite the $$$avings! Chandler and Paris tumble in and are immediately bombarded with questions as what they've been doing all day and why they both look flushed. They neglect to answer in favor of running outside to help Lucy set up for the party. "Chandler and Paris?" RevCam asks. "I knew it," says Annie. "Me too," RevCam says. Yeah, sure you did. Ruthie asks if anyone wants to accompany her to the Duprees' house. Apparently she's getting into the spirit of pride in one's heritage by celebrating her possible one by wearing a serape. RevCam decides to go with Ruthie and Peter to the Duprees' house to warn them that the party might be very empty. Annie sighs and looks up at the ceiling.
Various cast members help set up for the block party, which will be taking place in the Camdens' backyard. Roxanne and Jordan walk up to Asslee and her dad. Frogdaddy thanks Roxanne for getting Asslee's earrings back. and asks if she found the people who robbed them, too. Jordan introduces himself and says that he knows the people who robbed the house, and he's "really sorry about that." About knowing people? Maybe they're Muslims, or French. Or, even worse, French Muslims. Roxanne explains that Jordan was robbing homes with a vicious gang of older boys, although he didn't rob Asslee's house. He did, however, accept her stolen earrings that his friends gave to him when they realized how hideously ugly and devoid of any market value they were. Jordan says he "can't make up for what [he] did to the other people that [sic] [he] robbed," but he'd like to make up for what happened to Asslee's family. Huh? I think he can totally make up for what he did to the other people he robbed, like by going to jail. Fred would probably argue for the death penalty. Asslee's dad gives Jordan a ridiculous stern glare, then agrees to let him help them clean up their ransacked home later. Right now, he can help them put cans of soda into big metal tubs filled with ice, like, why didn't they just get a big cooler? Metal tubs of ice are so 1930s block party.
Det. Michaels walks up and asks Roxanne if she still thinks Jordan is a good kid. She says that he's trying to be one, and that's good enough for her. Det. Michaels lets out a condescending laugh and walks away as Mrs. Bink enters the party. She asks Lucy where the "stud" Lucy was going to fix her up with is. She then expresses hope that it isn't Chandler. Ha! Lucy says that she wants Mrs. Bink to meet Fred, but he's not here yet. Mrs. Bink says that's great because now she has time for a drink. And she, like us all, needs at least one stiff drink before she can even begin to deal with the Camdens. Kevin agrees with Lucy that Mrs. Bink and Fred will be perfect for each other. Because they're both old, I guess.
We see a shot of the twins, completely unsupervised, standing to the open flames of the banquet serving dishes, forcing Happy to eat chicken fingers. I'm not a dog or a toddler owner, but I still know that nothing about that situation can be healthy. When Happy whines in protest, Asslee's ears perk up, and she asks her dad if he just said something. Then RevCam, Ruthie, Peter, and the Duprees make their grand entrance through the dark side yard. It's safer coming in through there than the brightly-lit house, I guess.
Inside the house, Annie's putting the last touches on what appears to be a Carmen Miranda-style fruit hat when the doorbell rings. She opens the door, and the camera pulls in on her horrified, shocked face. What COULD it be? The suspense is putting me to sleep. Seriously, though, when I first saw this scene I really thought, judging by Annie's reaction, that there was a burning cross in the front yard or something. And speaking of burning crosses, my -door neighbors are in the Ku Klux Klan and they're STILL better behaved than the entire town of Glenoak when it comes to having neighbors of different cultural backgrounds. Also, my family doesn't take it upon ourselves to teach them about tolerance as if we're the only good people in the world.
Again in the backyard, the Duprees tell RevCam not to be upset about the party's lack of people because they don't need all those people to feel welcome, even though this whole episode all they've been talking about is how they need every single person around them to be completely accepting of their religion in order to come out of their house once in a while. Mrs. Dupree says that the Camdens have made them feel welcome on their own.
Peter walks up to Chandler and says that he's okay with him dating his mom, although he'd better treat her right since she's been messed around with before, by "first [Peter's] dad, and then…Dick." Yes, it's still funny. Peter says that as long as Chandler treats Paris right, he'll be happy.
Suddenly, Annie throws the back door open and shouts, "Look, everybody! I've got something to show ya!" The only thing that could justify the way she said this line is if she's Jed Clampett and what she wants to show everyone is the black gold she found while out hunting. Anyway, it is, of course, the entire neighborhood, who found the siren song of Annie's chicken fingers and beans to be ultimately irresistible. They flood the backyard as Annie, as someone in the forums pointed out, claps her hands three times and then pumps both fists in the air. Best celebration dance EVER. I'm totally going to do that now. People continue to pour into the yard from every orifice. Look -- there's Fred! And there's a black person! And there's BBG, who walks up and officially welcomes the Duprees to the neighborhood. They're ever so glad to have his blessing, so much so that Mo tells him to call him "Mo." "Mo!" BBG repeats, laughing at how silly and foreign-sounding it is. Mrs. Dupree and Jill introduce themselves as well. BBG gives Jill an especially warm smile, probably because her familiar "American" name makes it easier for him to see her as a real human being. "Let's get the party started!" RevCam says lamely. We see many crowd shots of people meeting each other, and pick up snippets of their conversations: "I have an irrational hatred of the Polish!" "I don't much like Hindus." "Australia didn't help us out in WWII. So I hate them and every single export from the country." "Antarctica? More like "Ant-fart-ica!" We see Mrs. Bink and Fred getting along famously, of course. We hear RevCam and the Duprees talking about some kind of "exchange." Please do not let this turn into an episode where RevCam preaches at a mosque. Happy barks for help, because the chicken tenders she was force-fed are slowly and painfully tearing her digestive system apart. Jill apologizes to Ruthie for being wrong about her neighbors (even though, really, she was totally right about them; they really did hate her family because they were Muslim), and Ruthie apologizes for not telling her parents about Jill's Muslimity (even though there's nothing wrong what Ruthie did, either). Then they hug. Ruthie walks up to RevCam and thanks him again. He responds by lifting her up and kissing her, to which I was initially like, "Awww, that's sweet," but then I was like, "Hey! She's thirteen! Ewww!" As the closing strains of The Piano and Soprano Duet of Multi-Cultural Togetherness play, we see RevCam and Det. Michaels give each other a high-five. I guess their once-faltering friendship is back on track. Phew!