Life and Death, Part 2

Lights up on Cecilia's house. Framing the white house is one single, lovely rose. Oh, beauty. How fleeting and rare it is to catch a glimpse of you. Because in the very shot are Simon and Cecilia. Two uggos if ever there were uggos. I think that at some point this season, when no one was looking, Simon became a man. Maybe he didn't tell anyone, like how Ruthie didn't tell any of her huge family that she started bleeding last week. I mean, Simon looks bigger, his hair is darker, and those sideburns he's sporting look like they want to pick a fight with his eyebrows. Seriously, those sideburns could beat up Jason Priestley and Elvis if they wanted to. Is Simon moonlighting as a Neil Diamond impersonator? Or does he have a gig during hiatus as an awesomely bad hair model for an ironic coffee table book? Anyway, like anyone cares, Simon and Cecilia are fighting about prom. Yes, what about prom, Simon. What! About! Prom! Say it. Just say it. I want to hear you say it! Simon is taking, um, what's her face. Xtina. The girl Lucy had a class with once and let move into her home, who then seduced Simon and bent his will, apparently no stronger than a plastic fork near a campfire, to make him take her to prom. Which Cecilia didn't even want to go to, for her own stupid reasons. But now, she's mad. At Simon, and at Xtina. Want to say it with me? Shut up, Cecilia. Doesn't that feel good?

The newest little bleeder in Glenoak, a.k.a. Ruthie, strolls into her room with her honking box of expensive tampons (remember, they were $7.49?) and thanks Peter for going with her. Wait, isn't he going to show her how to insert them? No lecture on toxic shock syndrome? What about a gentle reminder to start with deodorant? Saint Peter says she should tell her family. Ruthie snaps that he should mind his own business. What a bitch. He sighs spinelessly. When she apologizes, he says that "it's an emotional time, no apology is necessary." Wow, he's whipped before he even got laid! Way to go, Peter's mom.

Lucy bites her nails and studies her calendar. You know something I love about this show? The lack of story arc over the season has made it incredibly easy for me to pick up in place of Cate and recap with ease. I mean, this is the season finale. Eric had major surgery and was out of work for months; he even had a huge spiritual crisis about it. He was ber-jealous of his replacement, Chandler...Hampton. And Lucy was jealous of Roxanne's proximity to Kevin. But this week, the season ender, is all about shit that started up last week. Nice arc-ing, Brenda. Not. Anyway, when Lucy hears Kevin stomping up the stairs, she jumps a mile and hides the calendar in her desk, all to goofy music. When Kevin offers her a weekend's worth of dating options, she says she just needs some time to herself. Kevin shuffles off robotically, and Lucy calls Mary, who is in the air and "will call back when [she's] on the ground." Lucy hangs up and bites her nails some more.

Chandler...Hampton is on the phone with Roxanne. Wow, we haven't even hit the credits yet and we've got two phone conversations under our collective hypothetical belts. Chandler is stuck in Kansas. He was en route to see his dad. And he never should have sent Eric to talk to him on his behalf. What? Last week Chandler acted like Eric just went off on his own! Oh, who cares.

Eric stands in Whitebread General Hospital's most bustling corridor, talking to the nosey redhead nurse. Nurse Redhead plotzes when she finds out that Barry "told" her he had knocked up Sarah before he told his own dad. Hey, what better way to spread news than tell a big fat gossip who works in a crowded hallway? Eric sees the man he thinks is Chandler's father and goes to talk to him, but Nurse Redhead (of course) tells him that he isn't Chandler's father after all, but "the man Mr. Hampton insists on sharing a room with." Mr. Hampton is a "big, scary guy; everyone in the hospital knows who Mr. Hampton is." Everyone except Eric. His face? Shocked. Shocked, I tells you. He's powerful shocked.

Credits. Seeeaa-venth heaven! When I see their happy faces, smilin' back at me...seeeaa-venth heaven! Where can you goooooo! When the world don't treat you right? The answer is hoooome! Mmmm! Seeeaa-venth heaven! Woof!

CamPound. Lucy stares into the mirror, exhaling loudly and pressing her hands on her abdomen. Wow, Lucy has no hips at all. I like her low-rise black jeans. Do they make them for adult women, too? I only ever see them in blue. She takes a pillow from the bed and stuffs it under her t-shirt, them jumps a mile when the KevBot T-2000 comes up the stairs. He says he knows she needs some time alone, but if something's wrong, she should talk to him. She says everything's fine, but her crestfallen face says she should never play poker. No, wait; she should play poker. I'll win those cute jeans from her in no time. She repeats that she just needs some time alone; maybe "some time alone outside." She runs down the stairs. What an idiot.

Annie's on the phone. That's three phone conversations already. I'm fully keeping track. When you see someone on the phone in SevHev, drink. Okay? She calls Sarah's mom and says she wants to talk, and call her! Then she says to SamVid, who are stuffing their faces with food pellets, that she doesn't know if she did the right thing. They say, "You always do the wight thing. You'we the mooo-mmy!" Oh, barf. Annie hugs one of them close to her, and says she "may be the grandmommy." The kid trapped in her embrace very slightly leans away from her. Then we get a close-up of the other one shoving a Soylent Tater Tot in its maw. God, I hate this show.

Woo, catfight! Or rather, the SevHev equivalent of a catfight. More like a catnap. Make that a catnap without the cuteness factor. Lucy, having her outside alone time, is interrupted by Cecilia, who's mad. Mad that her boyfriend is taking Xtina to the prom she didn't want to go to in the first place. Lucy insists that it "isn't a date." No, it's prom. Prom is a bigger deal than a date. The big-deal factor is the very reason Cecilia didn't want to bother. And now she's all stompy and yelly and pouty, and Lucy wants her to hash it out with the harlot Xtina herself. Woo, catfight! Let's hope.

Kevin enters the yard, and Lucy exits. She's avoiding him. Because she thinks she's pregnant. Zzz.

Oh, hee hee hee! Xtina (who, I neglected to mention last week, is winningly played by Tara Lipinski, who has a gold medal for ice skating, y'all) is WEARING A TOWEL while standing in the hall, talking to Simon. Her dialogue? Beautiful stuff. "You're taking me to prom; surely there's SOMETHING I can do for you?" Oh, MY! She means blowjobs, right? Or maybe sex? Boy, talk about not knowing the level of the room. Cecilia huffs in, and Xtina is all, oh, hellew! Surely you know Simon's taking me to prom? Cecilia knows, and says if Xtina "knew what [she] was thinking, [Xtina] would be running right now." Hee hee hee! That's like that joke -- if women knew what men were thinking, they would never stop slapping them. Xtina says Simon merely took "pity" on her, and if Cecilia has a "problem" with Simon taking her to prom, she won't go. Simon is all, "Devil in blue jeans!" I mean, he says, "Yeah!" Cecilia says she doesn't have a problem with prom, but with YOU, Xtina, and the way she stands there in a towel and TALKS to her BOYFRIEND! I mean, the act of STANDING THERE is SACRED to some people! Xtina says she's "just waiting for the bathroom! Busy household!" Then explain the lack of robe, missy! Xtina channels the poor girl inside her and says, "I don't have a lot of things." Whoa, I think someone's been polishing a gold medal and dreaming it was an Emmy! SamVid walk up and say, "What awe we do-wing?" Wow, these boys? Screaming out for help, y'all. They ask why Xtina doesn't have a "wobe." Cecilia smiles evilly and says that's a "good question." Hey, she JUST SAID she didn't have a lot of things, you jealous bitch!

Ruthie exits the bathroom. She makes no comment on the fact that there are like five people standing right there. SamVid ask her to "pway," and she turns them down. Wouldn't it be great if Ruthie got her period and turned punk rock? I'd love that. Instead she looks at everyone and asks if she can "have a little privacy." In the hall? You were just in the bathroom -- how much privacy do you need? Simon and SamVid say, "In this house?" Xtina hops in there. And Cecilia says to Simon, "You wanna go? Go." Simon, total idiot, says, "Okay."

Ruthie tells her mom she's "going out. I'm going out to walk Happy, okay? I don't wanna talk, I just wanna walk the dog?" Heh. After watching the season finale and then the pilot of Dawson's Creek, the phrase "walking the dog" has a new, hilarious meaning for me. ["Blasphemer." -- Sars] And Xtina said she was a dog walker for money! Hee. Anyway. The phone rings (drink!) and it's Sarah's mom, played by Larraine Newman. She was on SNL back in the day, and recently guest-starred on Curb Your Enthusiasm. She's hilarious, and WHY does this show get such great guest stars? I do not get it. Anyway, what did Annie want? "Nothing. Nothing officially." Oy.

Eric, back at Whitebread General, confronts the real Mr. Chandler...Hampton's father (played by Dan Lauria, who really should have better things to do). Tries to walk away from the nosiest minister, who hollers after him that he "can't run away from [his] son!" Dan Lauria bellows that he can make the Rev "very uncomfortable!" Ooh, scary. Eric screeches, "I want you to talk to your son!" Then he tells a lie about "haunting" Dan Lauria, and "camping out in the halls" and "never leaving" until Dan agrees to talk to Chandler. Dan looks wary, then agrees to talk to Chandler on the phone. Barry Watson walks up and tells his dad to come on, since it takes an hour to get to the airport. Airport? Did Reverend Eric just "hustle" Dan Lauria? Eric shrugs uncomfortably. Dan reminds him that he and Chandler "aren't going to solve everything with just one phone call." Eric can live with that. The music is hopeful, and Dan Lauria is smiling. Wow, what a fast turnaround. The handiwork of one Miss Brenda "No Story Arc Longer Than Two Weeks, Ever" Hampton.

CamPound. Kevin walks into the kitchen and sees Xtina. Hello, he says. She looks like she wants to get away. He's all, "Do I...know you? No, I DO know you." She's all, "Please don't know me, okay, or tell anyone how I know you, or that I know you." Ooh, someone knows Xtina. Perhaps biblically.

Mary enters Dan Lauria's hospital room, eyes wet and glistening. Wow, the security measures at Whitebread General must be incredibly lax. She asks Dan if her dad was just there, and he says he just left with her brother; something about the airport? Her lower lip quivers as she says she was just at the airport. Here come the waterworks! Waah waah, her family is gonna KILL her! Waah! She grabs Dan in an embrace, and he lets her. Oy.

CamPound. Lucy is still pacing and sighing and clutching her abdomen. Kevin comes upstairs with white bags that presumably hold her "favorite: Chow Dynasty." Oy. Lucy says that was nice of him. Kevin says, "Don't worry, I'm not staying," and I laugh. Then Kevin drops the bomb: He knows Xtina. He "met her down at the police station." But she doesn't date that cop Mike. "She dates a lot of guys, but no cops. She's what you might call a professional dater." Ha ha! She's a hooker! Xtina Hooker. Kevin looks at Lucy bemusedly, and Lucy does about four little takes; first she squinches, then squinches harder, then she drops her jaw and widens her eyes, then looks off to the left. It's just that juicy!