Lights up on a city hospital. People in scrubs move rapidly though the corridor until we follow one scrubbed-up guy (complete with white carrying caddy of medical "equipment") to a room, where he says to a reclining woman, "The vampire returns." She looks miffed and whines, "A-GAIN." He says, "Sor-ry!" She says it doesn't hurt as much as having a ten-pound baby push its way out of you. Or, say, recapping 7th Heaven without beers. Oh, wait; I have beers. Sir Scrubs begins to tie off the complaining woman to suck her blood, blah blah. She asks, "You a medical school student?" No, he's just some guy that wandered in off the street. Some creepy guy that means you ill will. In fact, if this were Six Feet Under, I'd say this lady is about to be deceased. But this is SevHev, and...oh, snap. Creepy stuff happens all the time on SevHev! Anyway, Sir Scrubs says that he and his wife are both "medical school students" from California, but he's a "licensed phlebologist," who needs money so he "took this job." And he can keep people from passing out at the sight of needles, ha ha. Also, they have no kids. Holy exposition, Sir Scrubs. Then his wife knocks on the door, and he says, "That's my wife." He finishes up with Complaining Lady and heads out the door with the missus. What a boring-ass intro scene.
Sir Scrubs asks how Missus's "appointment with the witch doctor" went. She didn't get to go, as her doc "had an emergency." He drops off the blood he just drew, and they move rapidly down the corridor together and head into a supply closet. They smooch a bit, and then she says she doesn't want to be pregnant; that's why she's on the pill. Sir Scrubs says that "evidently," he's "stronger than any pill." Oh, boy. Maybe the pill Sir Scrubs is cancels out the pill she takes? That must be one bitter pill. We learn via exposition that they took three home pregnancy tests, and they all came up baby-baby-pirate. And pirates are wild, if you get my Simpsons reference. Sir Scrubs says that "it's a blessing" and they should "take whatever comes." In nine months. They kiss, and hug, and hug and kiss some more. The oboe and violin noodle to the tune of "things are difficult, but everything will probably be all right, in a manner of speaking." Should I know who these people are? Is this Chandler...Hampton's brother? Shit. OH! It's Barry Watson, right? It is.
Credits. Seeeaa-venth heaven! When I see their happy faces, smilin' back at me...seeeaa-venth heaven! Where can you goooooo? When the world don't treat you right? The answer is hoooome! Mmmm! Seeeaa-venth heaven! Woof!
We're back at the whitest urban hospital ever. Ev. Er. RevEric comes in and "comedically" bumbles around. Ha ha, special guest star "Alan Fudge." Ah, Fudge! Eric almost steals something off a hospital dinner tray, but is shamed into more bumbling when an orderly busts him. Finally, he sees Sir Scrubs, a.k.a. Barry Watson. Well, they walk past each other in the corridor, and then they're like, "Dad?" "Son?" Yes. After a few seconds of talk ("So, you work in this hospital? How about that!"), Barry demands to know what his dad's agenda is. Boy, does he ever know his dad. Just when Eric is about to dish, an angry New York doctor type demands Barry get back on rounds, to kiss his ass or something, because Eric doesn't look like a patient to him. Eric watches him go with a smile, murmuring to no one in particular, "My son the doctor." Your son you were just surprised to see after you flew all the way out to New York for...what for, again?
Lucy studies at an outdoor cafe, on the Promenade, I bet. Some girlie waves at her -- Christine. She looks a bit like Elizabeth Berkley, Showgirls-era. She approaches the table and is all, hey! You're studying theology, right? You want to be a minister, right? And Lucy is all, it's Christine, right? Anyway, Christine needs a place to stay, since her apartment building has "lots and lots of dogs," and it was infested with fleas. Lots and lots of fleas. So she needs somewhere to stay for forty-eight hours. And she doesn't have a dog, she just walks everyone else's to help pay her way through school. Jesus, with the exposition this episode. Like, are we going to have a test on this at the end? Is everyone going to SevHev Trivia at the bar tomorrow? Because all this useless detail is just going to fuck us up. Lucy thinks it's "interesting" that Xtina is a dog walker, and offers her a place to stay. Xtina is all, "But you don't even know me! That is so nice of you! I accept!" But Lucy didn't even ask her mom or dad or husband! Or, you know, know this person before inviting her into her home! Oh, boy. I'm crossing my fingers for a multiple homicide. That would be a hell of a season finale.
CamPound. Ruthie starts talking shit about Peter's mom. "Why does she have to work all the time?" Because shit costs money, you little brat. Annie answers her a little less brutally than I: "Because she's a single mom with no support from Peter's dad. And she gets dignity and self-worth from her work, and contributes to the community of business." The "community of business"? What pomposity of ass. Ruthie, sounding totally pissed, screeches at her mother, "OKAY, OKAY, I WAS JUST THINKING OUT LOUD!" I wonder what Jesus' official stance on smacks in the mouth is. I'm sure he'd want Ruthie to turn the other cheek, too. Annie asks if Ruthie is okay. Ruthie, on a roll with ketchup and pickles, takes it and lobs it back. "YES. Are YOU okay?" Annie says she was, but now she's "feeling...annoyed." Ruthie can't take a hint: "BY?" Annie says, "By you." ["Girl, get in line." -- Sars] Ruthie, in full-fledged hissyfit mode, says beseechingly that she didn't mean anything, and why is she always being accused of being in a bad mood? She thinks Annie is in a bad mood! Stomp stomp stomp. Then we get a totally creepy and abrupt close-up of one of the twins, who says he thinks Annie is in a good mood. The other one says, "A vewy good mood." She says briskly, "Thank you." Wow, I think Ruthie just got her first period.
Chandler says hysterically, "You've got to stop him!" Roxanne and Kevin look at him blankly and say they don't know where else to look, and everything's going to be fine. Chandler, still hysterical, says that everything is not going to be fine, and don't they know any police officers in New York? Yes -- isn't there like, a union for cops? An order? Maybe a fraternal order? Or, um, a radio they can all talk to each other on? Hey, can you Google "NYC COPS" for him? Chandler screeches, "STOP IT!" Kevin says that he made the right decision and that he's just "panicking." Chandler harrumphs, still in hissyfit mode. Hey, I think Chandler just got his first period.
Simon's on the phone, with his legs slung up on his desk. Wow, he looks taller. Why is it that all these kids keep on growing up, but so few of them leave the house? There's a knock on his door; Ruthie barges in and asks that he get off the phone, since he's "not the only person in this house with a life." I'd say the number of people in that house with no life are tied with the people that have lives. And the ones that lives still don't have much to speak of. Simon waves Ruthie out of his room with an annoyed grunt, then gets back to arguing with Cecilia. She wouldn't mind hanging up, but for the plot's sake, we have to get the gist of their fight. It's about prom. No, Blaine, what about prom. No! What! About! Prom! Just say it! Say it! I want to hear you say it! Simon invited someone else and forgot about it, and now he can't take Cecilia. Just kidding. Cecilia doesn't want to go, because it's "a big waste of money, mostly [her] money, since the big expense is a dress." She doesn't want to buy a dress to wear just one time. Then don't buy a foofy, ugly dress. A prom dress is not like a bridesmaid's dress. Cecilia, two words: Thrift store. Two more: Sale rack. Still, skipping prom is fine with me. I went, and in hindsight, I could have skipped it. I went to a lot of high school dances and had fun at them all, but prom was a lot more loaded with significance, and therefore I felt the pressure going in. Who needs that? Simon offers to pay for all of it. Is that why you're pushing a mop around, dude? To pay for a stupid dance? Cecilia says that would be "stupid" of him to do that. Word. Ruthie bursts in, grabs the phone, and yells into it that she needs to make a phone call. Cecilia shrugs, and Ruthie hangs up fiercely then flounces out.
Simon rushes out of his room to clobber Ruthie, and literally runs into Lucy, who has Xtina in tow with her roll-y-poly suitcase. Lucy calls her "a friend from school," ha ha, and says she'll be staying there for a few days. Simon excuses himself to "go kill someone," and Xtina looks after him lasciviously. "Cuuute," she says to Lucy. Lucy is all, "More like rude!" Xtina gives him a little look over her shoulder, then flounces off.
The camera angle is all tilt-y as Simon yells at Ruthie, "Who do you think you are slamming down the phone like that!" ["Oh, because the Camdens never just hang up without saying goodbye. Oh, wait. They do that ALL THE FREAKIN' TIME. I hate this goddamn show." -- Sars] Ruthie says she's someone who needed to make a phone call, now it's been made, and he can "have [his] stupid phone back." Simon asks theoretically if it isn't a rule that they're supposed to respect each other in this house. She says no one respects her. "No one even pretends to!" She locks herself in the bathroom. Simon, somehow softened by this stupid tirade, knocks and says, "Hey, it's me. Simon, your favorite sibling." Ruthie is all, "GO AWAY!" Simon continues to negotiate; after all, they "share a room." They DO? What the fuck? They share a room, and Lucy is bringing home another person? Simon says he "can't take" both Cecilia and Ruthie not talking to him. What a pussy. Peter wanders up, and he also looks taller than last week. His hair is combed differently too. He asks casually, "Ruthie here?" Yes, she's locked in the bathroom, totally ragging out. Simon says if Peter "ever does anything to hurt [Ruthie], [he'll] find out about it, and [he] know[s] where [Peter] live[s]." Oh, is that a threat with abusive undertones? I thought we learned last week that that isn't cool? Peter just says, "Okay." Simon wheels off, and Peter says through the door, "He's gone." Ruthie emerges, and Peter asks if she's been crying. She asks if it looks like she's been crying, and goggles her eyes at him crazily. He says yeah, and she says, "So what! Stop looking at me!" He turns around complacently and stares in the opposite direction. Ruthie folds her arms and fumes.
Whitebread Urban Hospital. We have a Code Bland! Code! Bland! Get me three Vanilla Cokes, no ice! Gah, this is diet! We're gonna lose them! Barry wheels around a corner, with his wife hot on his tail. She catches up with him, and he tells her his dad is at the hospital. She's all, did we know he was coming? Is he going to stay with us? Does he know I'm preggers, because I don't want anyone to know! Barry says he'll try to keep all of that down; then the head doctor guy comes up and yells at Barry, "Is this Take Your Family To Work Day?" Yes; it's also Bust An Underling's Chops Week. Keep up the good work!
Eric, still fumbling for purpose in the hallways, makes his way towards a door. Careful...caaarefull. Someone might be inside; then we'd get this slow-moving show on the road. Some guy roadblocks Eric. Eric looks afraid, then asks, "Are you Mister Hampton? Chandler...Sid Hampton's father?" He actually pauses between Chandler and Sid. Is that a shout-out? I'll take it. No, but he just got back from having some tests. Eric tentatively peers around a curtain and sees a very old man. The old man is incredibly nice. I think he's Irish. He offers Eric a piece of fruit, and says, "No more Mr. Hampton. I'm Andrew." Eric smiles, surprised, and the music is happy.
Whitebread Urban Hospital. We have a Code Mayo. Mayo! Get this mustard out of here, dammit! Andrew says, "I want to die. And I want to die without seeing Chandler." Wow. I want to die without seeing Chandler, too. But I need the money so I took this gig, and now look. I'm seeing Chandler all over the place. Eric wants to know why he can see Sid but not Chandler. Because "Sid's like me. Sid made mistakes!" And Chandler "never made a mistake in his life. When he continued on with his studies after I cut him out of my fortune, I realized he has something I'll never have. Integrity!" Damn. I'm floored at this portrayal of a nice guy that would rather die without seeing his son because he's ashamed of the good qualities he possesses. My mind, she is blown. And it's going to be Eric that tells him he's being a horse's ass? Wow. Andrew asks Eric to "tell him" how he feels, and that he "love[s] him. Thanks for stopping by, Reverend. Goodbye." Um, flying cross-country isn't "stopping by," you selfish bastard. Who paid for that flight? Did it come out of the church collection plate? What about the roof that fell in last week? Oh my farking god. When Eric leaves the room, he asks the tough guy who confronted him at the top of the scene why Andrew doesn't have a private room. Tough Guy asks if he looks like a "hospital administrator." No, you look like an extra from the Everybody Loves Raymond Family Reunion Extravaganza!
Chandler hollers at Eric's father-in-law that Eric should have a cell phone. Eric's F-I-L says that Eric has resisted taking that step into modernity because he doesn't want to be bothered with a lot of calls other people deem important. Of course he doesn't -- not when he has to fly cross-country to talk to his associate pastor's dying dad! Chandler says that "it's dangerous" for Eric not to have a cell phone. Simon walks up and joins Chandler and Kevin at the table, claiming to flee from the house full of women back at home.
Cut to the CamPound, which is in fact filled with women: Annie, Cecilia, Roxanne, Lucy, Xtina, and Ruthie. Peter is off with the twins somewhere, perhaps talking about sports or beers. There are two conversations happening at once in the roomful o' women: One, why doesn't Cecilia want to go to prom (too much money for a dress and shoes and hair and makeup, just to "dance in a gym"), and who Xtina is dating (a cop named "Mike," and that's "all [she] wants to say"). Xtina didn't know Rox and Kevin were cops. Rox is all, "Mike Smith? Mike King?" Um, she doesn't want to say. The three older girls in the room all didn't go to their proms, because no one asked them. What a surprise. No one wanted these loosey-goosey bags of fun on a teenage watershed evening? Gasp. Ruthie asks why didn't they just ask some guy. Silence. Then Rox says she was afraid of being turned down. The other two go, "Me too!" Oh, boy. So, no boys in their school were as desperate as they were? How very sad. Rox excuses herself to the kitchen, then calls Kevin on her cell phone. Quick: Who do they know named Mike? Not Smith or King. Mike Morrow? Did he ever get divorced? DUN DUN DUNNN!! Chandler grabs the phone and asks if she's heard from Eric. And he needs to see her. Oh, ew. Simon says he's "not used to hanging out with grown men," and are they "supposed to ignore the fact that he's embarrassing himself?" Kevin says yes. And heh.
Ruthie comes into the kitchen, and Rox gets off the phone. Ruthie says she thinks Xtina is "lying." Rox says, "Aren't we supposed to like everyone?" Ruthie says, "Aren't we supposed to suspect everyone?" What? Are they? Which is it? I'm just filling in, y'all. Ruthie says that "everyone who's ever come into this house has had something wrong with them. Maybe this Mike guy is the key." Oh, wow. Ruthie just won big in the "No Life" poll.
The phone rings, again, some more. Hey, it's Mary! She wants to talk to Eric, who's in New York. She's surprised to hear that, and Ruthie bites her head off. Mary asks, "What's wrong with you?" Ruthie hands it right back to her. "What's wrong with YOU! Obviously there's something wrong since you're calling and asking for Dad!" She hangs up on Mary, who flips her phone shut and bites her lip worriedly.
Peter tucks the twins into bed. They say, "Goodnight, Pet-uw. Can you stay ovuh? You can sweep on the floor. It's vewy comfo-ble. Can you come over tomowow and pway?" Those kids are screaming out for help, y'all.
Xtina heads up to bed, and runs into Happy. "Get away! Shoo!" Peter tells her that Happy is very friendly and won't hurt her. She says she knows, then looks around shiftily. I learned just last week from this show that Dogs Always Know When Things Are Fucked Up. And Xtina must be fucked up, or she wouldn't be hating on Happy.
The Menses Club is still in session. Rox asks Lucy how well she knows Xtina. Not too; she goes through the dog walker bit, and Peter walks in with, "She's a dog walker? She doesn't seem like a dog walker to me." He says bye to Ruthie, and she looks like she couldn't care less. He asks for a powwow outside the He-Girl Meddler-Woman's Club.
Peter is all, what is up, girl. I give you all my love, and still you act cold. It's killing me. Can't you give me some warmth, baby girl? Ruthie is all, "I feel FINE." He leaves, unsatisfied. The Menses Club breaks up too, with Rox still playing hard to get with Chandler, and Cecilia trying to avoid Simon. Ruthie asks Rox about "Mike," but Rox says, "The key to being a good investigator is patience." Mmm-hmm.
Whitebread Urban Hospital. We have a Code Zzz. A Code Zzz! It's thirty minutes in and nothing is gelling! Not like a felon! Not like a melon! Not like Magellan! God, man, get me some suction, I can't see a thing in here! No, wait! There's too much suction! Gah! It's over, we've lost them! Barry rushes down the corridor and pats his dad. An awesome redheaded woman reminds Barry to go check on the woman about to give birth to the ten-pounder, then says that Barry's wife is nice, too. Then she says, "Goodnight, GRAM-PAAAH!" Eric is all, "'Grampa'?" The music is mischievous. Eric does three little takes, like, "Huh? Whuh? Whoa!" Oy.
CamPound. Annie reads a magazine and eats chocolates. It looks good on her. The phone rings, and she answers it lazily. Eric says, "Hello, Grandma." She's all, mffgh? He stage-whispers, "We're gonna be grandparents!" And hangs up. What a doofus.
Chandler is still fuming at the table with Kevin. His phone rings, and Chandler barks, "Finally!" It must be Eric. He says, "He is not a nice guy. Impossible! That's impossible." Then we cut the scene. I hate this goddamn show. ["Preach it." -- Sars]
Simon walks in through the kitchen door, and sees Xtina. She is barely dressed, in teeny shorts and a little sleeveless tee. Perfect sleeping clothes, but not the greatest clothes for walking around a stranger's house that's packed with people and a dog you hate. Simon says he's "not embarrassed, he has three sisters." Xtina says she loves being in a house with home-baked cookies and fresh, cold milk. Is Xtina like the traveling salesman and Simon the father's daughter in this scenario? Simon gives her his jacket, and she brings up prom. She says, "Proms are so magical, don't you think?" He wouldn't know -- he's never been to one. She says, "Poor Simon," and, with her eyes, flirts as heavily as an anvil.
Kevin hops into the unfinished attic, or basement, or whatever it is, and rouses his sleeping wife. They smooch, and provide a little backstory/re-exposition for those of you out of the room when it happened the first time. So thoughtful! Brenda, you shouldn't have. Chandler and Eric finally connected re: Chandler's dad, but Kevin didn't stick around to find out how it went. Lucy scolds him, "If you ever want to make detective, you're going to have to get a whole lot nosier." And he knows about Xtina dating Mike but "doesn't really care," and knows something is up with Roxanne and Chandler. The phone rings, and it's Mary. She's "lousy," and has "done something really really stupid." And where's Eric? Lucy guesses at Barry's. Mary hangs up with a "don't tell Mom!"
Morning. Annie yells at Eric, saying she "didn't sleep all night." Barry never told Eric about the baby; some nurse did. Annie thinks it's all "odd." Annie says that she'll call Sarah and "hint around," because she wants "to know know." Eric says that Andrew was a "sweet man." Whatever! We want to know about the babies. Simon comes down and says he's figured out a "compromise" for prom. Does it have to do with a certain houseguest?
CamPound yard. Ruthie is stretched out on a chaise when Peter walks up and says he wants to talk. They have the most awkward, artificial conversation ever. EV. ER. Ruthie calls the confrontation "awkward," and Peter says, "It's life, honey. There's nothing awkward about it." 'Cause he and his mom "talk about everything, even this stuff. Can I get you anything? Do anything for you?" Ruthie looks pinched and squinty.
Whitebread Urban Hospital. I've got a Code...oh, forget it. A Code Forget It. Barry is all scrubbed up and ready for rushing when his wife walks up behind him. They go into their broom closet, where they have all their best conversations, and he goes, "So?" Sew buttons, she got her period! Though all she says is that she doesn't have to see the doctor, because "this morning..." Hey, Brenda? They can say "bitch" in primetime now. They show bare asses. Women's and men's. You can say "period." For the love of all mankind, just say it. Barry says that in a few years they can breed. She's all, that isn't what you said yesterday! Hey, Barry can change his tune. And hey, now it makes it that much more fun that Eric didn't specify which one of his million children is preggers! Oh wait, he did. Anyway, Barry and Sarah get in a fight; she wants to go to Florida for a few days to see her family. He says he might go home to see his family, and was she going to go to Florida if she were pregnant? Would she tell her family when he wasn't around? He wants to be there! She says that they have to "say what they mean and mean what they say when they communicate." He says he's glad he works and goes to school so she can sit around "reading Oprah. That is a quote from Doctor Phil, isn't it?" Wow, I hate this show. She asks if he's so busy, how comes he knows from reading Oprah. You know, since Oprah is such a huge fucking industry, why don't they just skip the pretense of verbs? Reading, watching, whatever -- it's from the book of Oprah and everyone knows it when they hear it. She says he "hangs out in the nurse's station reading Oprah with them instead of with me." The groove-busting doctor opens the door, and Sarah leaves. Asshat Doctor says, "It's so clichéd, the supply room. Why don't you try the bedroom." Why don't you try easing up, Asshat Doctor.
Cop Station. It's humming with activity, busier even than Whitebread Urban Hospital. Chandler walks in and tells Roxanne goodbye; he's going to New York to see his dad. And when he comes back, he wants to ask Rox something he's been meaning to ask her "since Valentine's Day." Barf. He leaves, and Rox hands Kevin a list of all the Mikes on the force. Because that Xtina? Is a LIAR.
Whitebread Urban Hospital. The real Mr. Hampton is standing over Andrew's bed, yelling at him. Andrew says he's too weak to do it, until Mr. Hampton offers him a thousand dollars cash. "Keep him from coming back here!" Oy.
Lucy walks into her room and sees Xtina, still in her tiny short-short sleep outfit. Lucy asks pointedly if Xtina would break up a high school boyfriend and girlfriend when she herself has a b.f. who's a grown man, on the police force. Xtina says no. "Just because we're going to prom together doesn't mean we're dating!" Ha ha! This is all your fault, Lucy. You must feel like such an idiot.
Drugstore. Peter and Ruthie navigate the aisles. Condoms are there on the shelf, not hanging on a rack like they should be. And right to the massive display of Tampax Pearl tampons are the pink-boxed, no-name "Tampons." Ruthie says, "I can't AFFORD to be a woman." Then get a job, you lazy beast. Peter says they're cheaper at the grocery store. Ruthie snaps that he knows too much. And why can't she tell anyone in her family? Ruthie says there'll be "presents, laughter, a special dinner...[she] doesn't want that!" You mean, in a house with a million kids, there'll be a CELEBRATION of menses, and she's stupid enough to GO OUT FOR TAMPONS? That house should be overflowing with tampons, with Lucy and Annie around. They proceed to the counter, where Glenoak's nosiest druggist greets each child by name, then says, "Peter, this isn't your usual brand!" SHUT UP, DRUGGIST. Peter says he "isn't shopping for [his] mom, but thanks for caring." "THANKS FOR CARING"?! Oh my fucking god. The box of tampons is pricey: $7.49. The kids leave, and the druggist vamps and pouts for the camera, like, oh, shit -- that ugly Camden kid got her period! Isn't that sumpthin'.
Whitebread Urban Zzzz. Barry fondles his vibrating phone, then checks in on the complaining pregnant woman. She says the birth was fine; then he TAKES THE CALL. He and Sarah make up, and the formerly pregnant woman goes, "Caaareful...that's how I got here." Oh, gawd.
Annie and Sarah talk on the phone. The last few episodes have been far too phone-y. Whatever happened to "show, don't tell"? This is all tell. It's not even tell, it's blah blah blah. Annie tells Sarah to "get her sleep," and Sarah's battery cuts out before they can clarify that she is not preggers. Annie gets off the phone, and Lucy runs into the kitchen saying, "Did you know...?" Annie finishes her sentence; Barry and Sarah are preggers. Lucy is surprised. Birth control and medical school and all that. Annie says she got pregnant with the twins while on the pill. "There are surprises in life! Woonnnnderful surprises." Lucy looks at her watch and says, "The twelfth?" Then she grabs the paper and reads it worriedly, then clutches her stomach and hears Annie say again, "There are surprises in life! Woonnnnderful surprises." She rolls her eyes and the music gets playful and didn't she just get married THREE WEEKS AGO? I hate this show. Oh great, it's "to be continued."