Lights up on Cecilia's house. Framing the white house is one single, lovely rose. Oh, beauty. How fleeting and rare it is to catch a glimpse of you. Because in the very shot are Simon and Cecilia. Two uggos if ever there were uggos. I think that at some point this season, when no one was looking, Simon became a man. Maybe he didn't tell anyone, like how Ruthie didn't tell any of her huge family that she started bleeding last week. I mean, Simon looks bigger, his hair is darker, and those sideburns he's sporting look like they want to pick a fight with his eyebrows. Seriously, those sideburns could beat up Jason Priestley and Elvis if they wanted to. Is Simon moonlighting as a Neil Diamond impersonator? Or does he have a gig during hiatus as an awesomely bad hair model for an ironic coffee table book? Anyway, like anyone cares, Simon and Cecilia are fighting about prom. Yes, what about prom, Simon. What! About! Prom! Say it. Just say it. I want to hear you say it! Simon is taking, um, what's her face. Xtina. The girl Lucy had a class with once and let move into her home, who then seduced Simon and bent his will, apparently no stronger than a plastic fork near a campfire, to make him take her to prom. Which Cecilia didn't even want to go to, for her own stupid reasons. But now, she's mad. At Simon, and at Xtina. Want to say it with me? Shut up, Cecilia. Doesn't that feel good?
The newest little bleeder in Glenoak, a.k.a. Ruthie, strolls into her room with her honking box of expensive tampons (remember, they were $7.49?) and thanks Peter for going with her. Wait, isn't he going to show her how to insert them? No lecture on toxic shock syndrome? What about a gentle reminder to start with deodorant? Saint Peter says she should tell her family. Ruthie snaps that he should mind his own business. What a bitch. He sighs spinelessly. When she apologizes, he says that "it's an emotional time, no apology is necessary." Wow, he's whipped before he even got laid! Way to go, Peter's mom.
Lucy bites her nails and studies her calendar. You know something I love about this show? The lack of story arc over the season has made it incredibly easy for me to pick up in place of Cate and recap with ease. I mean, this is the season finale. Eric had major surgery and was out of work for months; he even had a huge spiritual crisis about it. He was über-jealous of his replacement, Chandler...Hampton. And Lucy was jealous of Roxanne's proximity to Kevin. But this week, the season ender, is all about shit that started up last week. Nice arc-ing, Brenda. Not. Anyway, when Lucy hears Kevin stomping up the stairs, she jumps a mile and hides the calendar in her desk, all to goofy music. When Kevin offers her a weekend's worth of dating options, she says she just needs some time to herself. Kevin shuffles off robotically, and Lucy calls Mary, who is in the air and "will call back when [she's] on the ground." Lucy hangs up and bites her nails some more.
Chandler...Hampton is on the phone with Roxanne. Wow, we haven't even hit the credits yet and we've got two phone conversations under our collective hypothetical belts. Chandler is stuck in Kansas. He was en route to see his dad. And he never should have sent Eric to talk to him on his behalf. What? Last week Chandler acted like Eric just went off on his own! Oh, who cares.
Eric stands in Whitebread General Hospital's most bustling corridor, talking to the nosey redhead nurse. Nurse Redhead plotzes when she finds out that Barry "told" her he had knocked up Sarah before he told his own dad. Hey, what better way to spread news than tell a big fat gossip who works in a crowded hallway? Eric sees the man he thinks is Chandler's father and goes to talk to him, but Nurse Redhead (of course) tells him that he isn't Chandler's father after all, but "the man Mr. Hampton insists on sharing a room with." Mr. Hampton is a "big, scary guy; everyone in the hospital knows who Mr. Hampton is." Everyone except Eric. His face? Shocked. Shocked, I tells you. He's powerful shocked.
Credits. Seeeaa-venth heaven! When I see their happy faces, smilin' back at me...seeeaa-venth heaven! Where can you goooooo! When the world don't treat you right? The answer is hoooome! Mmmm! Seeeaa-venth heaven! Woof!
CamPound. Lucy stares into the mirror, exhaling loudly and pressing her hands on her abdomen. Wow, Lucy has no hips at all. I like her low-rise black jeans. Do they make them for adult women, too? I only ever see them in blue. She takes a pillow from the bed and stuffs it under her t-shirt, them jumps a mile when the KevBot T-2000 comes up the stairs. He says he knows she needs some time alone, but if something's wrong, she should talk to him. She says everything's fine, but her crestfallen face says she should never play poker. No, wait; she should play poker. I'll win those cute jeans from her in no time. She repeats that she just needs some time alone; maybe "some time alone outside." She runs down the stairs. What an idiot.
Annie's on the phone. That's three phone conversations already. I'm fully keeping track. When you see someone on the phone in SevHev, drink. Okay? She calls Sarah's mom and says she wants to talk, and call her! Then she says to SamVid, who are stuffing their faces with food pellets, that she doesn't know if she did the right thing. They say, "You always do the wight thing. You'we the mooo-mmy!" Oh, barf. Annie hugs one of them close to her, and says she "may be the grandmommy." The kid trapped in her embrace very slightly leans away from her. Then we get a close-up of the other one shoving a Soylent Tater Tot in its maw. God, I hate this show.
Woo, catfight! Or rather, the SevHev equivalent of a catfight. More like a catnap. Make that a catnap without the cuteness factor. Lucy, having her outside alone time, is interrupted by Cecilia, who's mad. Mad that her boyfriend is taking Xtina to the prom she didn't want to go to in the first place. Lucy insists that it "isn't a date." No, it's prom. Prom is a bigger deal than a date. The big-deal factor is the very reason Cecilia didn't want to bother. And now she's all stompy and yelly and pouty, and Lucy wants her to hash it out with the harlot Xtina herself. Woo, catfight! Let's hope.
Kevin enters the yard, and Lucy exits. She's avoiding him. Because she thinks she's pregnant. Zzz.
Oh, hee hee hee! Xtina (who, I neglected to mention last week, is winningly played by Tara Lipinski, who has a gold medal for ice skating, y'all) is WEARING A TOWEL while standing in the hall, talking to Simon. Her dialogue? Beautiful stuff. "You're taking me to prom; surely there's SOMETHING I can do for you?" Oh, MY! She means blowjobs, right? Or maybe sex? Boy, talk about not knowing the level of the room. Cecilia huffs in, and Xtina is all, oh, hellew! Surely you know Simon's taking me to prom? Cecilia knows, and says if Xtina "knew what [she] was thinking, [Xtina] would be running right now." Hee hee hee! That's like that joke -- if women knew what men were thinking, they would never stop slapping them. Xtina says Simon merely took "pity" on her, and if Cecilia has a "problem" with Simon taking her to prom, she won't go. Simon is all, "Devil in blue jeans!" I mean, he says, "Yeah!" Cecilia says she doesn't have a problem with prom, but with YOU, Xtina, and the way she stands there in a towel and TALKS to her BOYFRIEND! I mean, the act of STANDING THERE is SACRED to some people! Xtina says she's "just waiting for the bathroom! Busy household!" Then explain the lack of robe, missy! Xtina channels the poor girl inside her and says, "I don't have a lot of things." Whoa, I think someone's been polishing a gold medal and dreaming it was an Emmy! SamVid walk up and say, "What awe we do-wing?" Wow, these boys? Screaming out for help, y'all. They ask why Xtina doesn't have a "wobe." Cecilia smiles evilly and says that's a "good question." Hey, she JUST SAID she didn't have a lot of things, you jealous bitch!
Ruthie exits the bathroom. She makes no comment on the fact that there are like five people standing right there. SamVid ask her to "pway," and she turns them down. Wouldn't it be great if Ruthie got her period and turned punk rock? I'd love that. Instead she looks at everyone and asks if she can "have a little privacy." In the hall? You were just in the bathroom -- how much privacy do you need? Simon and SamVid say, "In this house?" Xtina hops in there. And Cecilia says to Simon, "You wanna go? Go." Simon, total idiot, says, "Okay."
Ruthie tells her mom she's "going out. I'm going out to walk Happy, okay? I don't wanna talk, I just wanna walk the dog?" Heh. After watching the season finale and then the pilot of Dawson's Creek, the phrase "walking the dog" has a new, hilarious meaning for me. ["Blasphemer." -- Sars] And Xtina said she was a dog walker for money! Hee. Anyway. The phone rings (drink!) and it's Sarah's mom, played by Larraine Newman. She was on SNL back in the day, and recently guest-starred on Curb Your Enthusiasm. She's hilarious, and WHY does this show get such great guest stars? I do not get it. Anyway, what did Annie want? "Nothing. Nothing officially." Oy.
Eric, back at Whitebread General, confronts the real Mr. Chandler...Hampton's father (played by Dan Lauria, who really should have better things to do). Tries to walk away from the nosiest minister, who hollers after him that he "can't run away from [his] son!" Dan Lauria bellows that he can make the Rev "very uncomfortable!" Ooh, scary. Eric screeches, "I want you to talk to your son!" Then he tells a lie about "haunting" Dan Lauria, and "camping out in the halls" and "never leaving" until Dan agrees to talk to Chandler. Dan looks wary, then agrees to talk to Chandler on the phone. Barry Watson walks up and tells his dad to come on, since it takes an hour to get to the airport. Airport? Did Reverend Eric just "hustle" Dan Lauria? Eric shrugs uncomfortably. Dan reminds him that he and Chandler "aren't going to solve everything with just one phone call." Eric can live with that. The music is hopeful, and Dan Lauria is smiling. Wow, what a fast turnaround. The handiwork of one Miss Brenda "No Story Arc Longer Than Two Weeks, Ever" Hampton.
CamPound. Kevin walks into the kitchen and sees Xtina. Hello, he says. She looks like she wants to get away. He's all, "Do I...know you? No, I DO know you." She's all, "Please don't know me, okay, or tell anyone how I know you, or that I know you." Ooh, someone knows Xtina. Perhaps biblically.
Mary enters Dan Lauria's hospital room, eyes wet and glistening. Wow, the security measures at Whitebread General must be incredibly lax. She asks Dan if her dad was just there, and he says he just left with her brother; something about the airport? Her lower lip quivers as she says she was just at the airport. Here come the waterworks! Waah waah, her family is gonna KILL her! Waah! She grabs Dan in an embrace, and he lets her. Oy.
CamPound. Lucy is still pacing and sighing and clutching her abdomen. Kevin comes upstairs with white bags that presumably hold her "favorite: Chow Dynasty." Oy. Lucy says that was nice of him. Kevin says, "Don't worry, I'm not staying," and I laugh. Then Kevin drops the bomb: He knows Xtina. He "met her down at the police station." But she doesn't date that cop Mike. "She dates a lot of guys, but no cops. She's what you might call a professional dater." Ha ha! She's a hooker! Xtina Hooker. Kevin looks at Lucy bemusedly, and Lucy does about four little takes; first she squinches, then squinches harder, then she drops her jaw and widens her eyes, then looks off to the left. It's just that juicy!
Eric and Barry walk through the front door. Annie yelps and clutches them to her bosom, then says they have a visitor. Well, Ruthie's Aunt Flo is visiting. Who else is there? Xtina? No; Larraine Newman. She acts like she's mad at Barry because he "got [her] daughter pregnant," then grabs him and hugs him super-hard, because she's so happy she's gonna be a grandma! And who told her Sarah's pregnant? Well, Barry's mom, Annie, who found out from Eric, who found out from Nurse Redhead. Annie's just glad that "the cat is out of the bag." Eric says, "The baby is out of the bassinet." Ha ha ha! Except that "Sarah isn't pregnant. Sorry. I hope you all aren't too disappointed." All the parents deflate and collapse onto couches. Barry's all, "Whuh? I thought you all were so happy?" Larraine says, "What are you, nuts? You're in your first year of marriage! And your first year of medical school!" Annie agrees that Barry "isn't ready" to be a parent. And they all "can wait" to be grandparents. Barry says that "you people are nuts," and "it's great to be back in the nuthouse!" The parents decide on coffee and cake, but Annie skips out to talk to Ruthie. Larraine asks for "anything stronger." Eric says limply, "Cooking sherry?" Larraine says, "Make mine neat with a twist." Hey, Larraine? He's a minister; he doesn't know what a twist is.
Ruthie sits sadly on her bed, bleeding, bleeding. She's also reading, reading. Her mouth is a sad little bow. The piano weeps for her. She bleeds, alone, alone. Well, she was until Annie walked in and ruined it. Annie says she knows. Why Ruthie has been "emotional and moody and needing more privacy. [She] know[s] [Ruthie] started [her] period. Now is there anything [Ruthie] wants to say?" Ruthie wants to "kill Peter Petrowski." Damn Owskis. They're always up to no good.
Lucy thinks Kevin should tell Simon that his prom date is a hooker. Why ruin the surprise when he gets the bill? That look on his face will be priceless. Kevin says, "She may have retired when she got arrested! Besides, it's just for one night, what's the worst that could happen?" If this were a different kind of show, Simon could rent her out by the hour and be both a hero to his class and help Cecilia pay for college. But nooo. Only the sexless kind of escort gets paid in Glenoak. Lucy says she has to go meet Mary at the Promenade. Kevin is all, whuh? What, they're sisters, they need to talk! What, did Mary just take the Concorde?
Ruthie stomps down the stairs, says hi to her dad, then announces that she has to "go kill Peter Petrowski." Annie follows and announces that Ruthie "just became a woman, yesterday." Eric is all, "She..?" Yup. Larraine covers her mouth and makes a breathy "oh" noise. Ruthie, denied the murder of Peter (it's too late to go over there), stomps back up to her room, and Larraine goes to the kitchen for another sherry. Annie looks tearfully at her husband, who says dumbly, "Ruthie became a woman, yesterday?" Annie starts to blubber and says yeah. Eric hugs her, then asks, "Why are we using the euphemism 'became a woman'?" Because you suck? No, because that's what Peter told her yesterday. Annie blubbers over the fact that Peter knew before she did. Shut up, Annie. You didn't say anything to Ruthie other than that you know! Kids need a little more than that!
Kevin walks into the room just as Barry is getting off the phone with Sarah (drink). Kevin thinks they should go look for Simon, since his prom date is a "professional." You know, a hooker. Barry cocks his head. "Professional?" They run out the door. Simon's virginity must be saved! Saaaaved!
Mary and Lucy, sitting down at the Promenade. Mary thinks Lucy could be pregnant, and that "almost makes [her] feel better." Lucy says when she finds out, she'll tell Kevin and then everyone else. And what's Mary's big news? Oh, she's married. "You think if Dad helps me get it annulled that he'll still tell Mom?" What a fucked-up family. Lucy looks at her like, WTF? Mary says, "Yeah. I'm an idiot." Lucy says, "We're both idiots." Wow, is that a shout-out? The girls head over to the creepiest drugstore ever. Creepy Druggist is all, "Hello Lucy, Mary!" Hello, Creep. I hope Lucy enjoys making his face fall when she asks him for an "early pregnancy test."
CamPound. Phone! Drink. Ruthie calls Peter. "Don't 'hello' me!" She wants to know why Peter told her mom she got her period, "and don't call me 'honey' or 'sweetie'!" Peter lamely counters with "why did you tell my mom I was smoking," but gives it up in favor of the "your mom should know" argument. Ruthie hangs up loudly. Peter shrugs.
Kevin steps into the courtyard and sees Xtina. She is not turning tricks. Simon is upstairs, and she wants to know if "everyone know[s]." Just Lucy. "I knew I was never going to make it to that prom. Time to move on." Kevin makes a "duh" face. Oh wait, that's his everyday face. Xtina says she's sure he doesn't want to hear her "sad, sad story," so why doesn't she just "pack [her] bags" and head on out of there? Kevin clumsily explains that now, she has "a place to live" with "nice people," so if she runs away and "does what she does," what would her excuse be then? Well, force of habit? And how long was she supposed to stay there -- her story was that the millions of dogs she walked (heh) flea-d up her building, and she needed a place to stay when it was being flea-bombed. That probably equals forever in CamSpeak. Or at least a bid for Season Eight, woo!
Annie and Barry talk. He wanted to talk to Sarah before her parents did. "I hope she's not too angry." Annie says, "Oh, she loves you." Barry says, "I hope she's not too angry at YOU." Annie squinches up her face and he says he's KIDDING. No, he's not. Then he says, "Why would she be angry with you when she could be angry with me." Snuh? Oh, right. CamSpeak.
Simon and his sideburns walk by. Barry is all, hey, we were looking for you all night! Where was he? Shopping for a prom dress, says Simon. For Xtina. Barry is all, "Let's talk."
Eric sits with a coffee and tries to get Ruthie to talk to him. Ruthie has a speech inside her, dying to get out. Here it is: "Dad, I'm not like Mary, I'm not going to send you to the store for tampons. And I'm not like Lucy, who thought the world was going to end when all her friends had their periods and she didn't. I'm like me! And I don't want to talk about it. I don't want a special dinner or a celebration. That's why I didn't want anyone to know about it, especially Mom. 'Cause I knew Mom would make a big deal about it." Eric says, "Your mom didn't make it that way. It's a first, it's a big first, and your mom and I have been there for all your firsts...this is a special thing between a mother and a daughter." Ruthie is all, "What do you want me to do?" Get your napkin ready for a special dinner, missy! Eggs, sunny side up, with ketchup! And, um, caviar! Tampon cigars all around! Seriously, "special dinner"? Come on. I'm going to date myself here, but after I read Judy Blume's Are You There God? It's Me...Margaret, I craved my period. I wanted it bad, real bad. Because I wanted to be a woman too! My mom of course knew all this, and told me about everything except one aspect. The cramps. She didn't tell me about cramps! One day I had them real bad, and asked her why she didn't tell me. She said, "Because I didn't want you to dread it!" ["My mom did the same thing. I'd have preferred the warning, all things being equal." -- Sars] So, all you youngsters out there, hear it from me: Cramps can be a fucking nightmare. The end.
Xtina lets herself into the kitchen. Eric says, "Hello. Do I know you?" He does not add, "Biblically?" She's Xtina, Lucy and Simon's friend. Simon barges in and is all, "Can I talk to Xtina alone?" Eric exits, and Simon is all, "Why didn't you tell me?" He does not add, "Or do me?" Xtina also has a speech inside her, dying to be let out. I wonder how Simon feels, all being in the season finale and having to kick off special guest star Tara Lipinski's big monologue? It can't feel good. Xtina says Simon "wouldn't understand what it was like to have a past," and that she "didn't want to give this family up." Simon tells her about the stupid sexless escort service he used to run, and that he "always understood that it was wrong. Sex, companionship, friendship, it shouldn't be bought or sold...why don't you stick around. Let my dad help you out." Xtina is all, "If it's okay, maybe I will. So this means..." Simon tells her to "save [her] money for something other than a prom dress. Maybe an apartment, tuition, books." They smile at each other. Come on, one for the road!
Finally, Chandler...Hampton and Dan Lauria meet. Chandler is especially hoarse and whispery. I call it Tori Syndrome. It makes me yell, "WHAT?!" at the TV. Chandler just missed his brother Sid. Dan asked Sid to quit smoking on the day he died. Chandler says hoarsely that Sid won't quit smoking until he dies himself. What a fun family. Dan says Sid'll listen to Chandler. And he met Eric. Chandler whispers, "How'd that go." Dan says he was tough. Oh, and that he hates what Chandler is doing with his life. Hey, guess who else has a speech inside him, dying to get out? It's just that kind of season finale. Speechy, preachy, and, well, dull. Chandler says he had to face his dying dad "for himself, "and suddenly both their eyes are wet with tears. Chandler says he shouldn't have sent someone to face his father for him. Dan says, "Well, here I am, face me." I start to laugh again. Face me, baby! Face me all night long! What's that? You won't? Well, face you, man. What? Face me? No, face YOU! Chandler is all, "You think this is easy for me?" Dan Lauria reminds Chandler that he's dying of lung cancer. Chandler whispers, "What if we start over again, right now. Forget the past." I'm all, WHAT? TALK LOUDER! Dan is all, "Could you do that?" Chandler whispers, "Could you?" Dan "could give it a try." Chandler's all, "Okay." BORING! Chandler asks if his dying dad "still like[s] the Yankees?" Hee.
Lucy takes her pregnancy test out of the bag, then tosses it back in and goes out to face her KevBot. He tells her that he talked to everyone about Xtina, and she knows she can talk to him, right? She turns out the light to go to sleep. "Sleep, Kevin." She frostily rebuffs his "advances." Kevin stares into the darkness, brooding, brooding. I hate this goddamn show. ["Right there with you." -- Sars]
CamPound. Kevin gets dressed. Simon bounds up the steps and says that Xtina is gone. Kevin says that he "certainly didn't tell her to leave," and that "you can't save people. You can only give people choices and opportunities. The rest is up to them." Simon listens angrily, and it looks like he's growing a tiny mullet. A wee, bitty mullet.
Annie sits on her bed, flipping through a photo album. All in all, a creepy tableaux. Ruthie comes in and says she's sorry for hurting her mom's feelings. Annie insists that what "happened" to Ruthie "is significant." Ruthie launches into her bit about having two older sisters and knowing the "books" and the "films" and not wanting the "traditional Camden family celebration that starts with the big dinner and ends with Dad buying feminine products. That's not who [Ruthie is]." No, Ruthie is a killjoy. She then says that "it is about Annie. So there has to be a compromise!" I love how Ruthie knows that getting her period is really about her mom. She is a Camden after all! So, what would make her mom happy? And not make Ruthie "barf"? Annie says, and I'm not kidding, that she wants to "go out for a celebration dinner." Ruthie rolls her eyes. But she does not barf. "A dinner where we do not discuss my womanhood?" Yup. And, barf.
Lucy sees Ruthie in the hallway. Ruthie asks twenty-six questions, all about her period. Lucy just nods. Yes, she knew. She knew that she was down. But would she love her if she was down, and out, gii-iirl. Lucy didn't blab about Ruthie's period or try to bombast her with big-sisterly advice "because [she] was trying to respect [Ruthie's] privacy." Aww. Then, Simon and Barry and SamVid come up, and what, does EVERYONE have to get all up in the girl's face? She's having her period, for god's sack! Barry congratulates her, and Ruthie says, "Here endeth the celebration of my womanhood." Except for the upcoming dinner. Lucy and Barry and SamVid all riff on the "they gwow up so faaast" thing. I have no barf left.
Chandler...Hampton calls Eric from Whitebread General. We have a Code Whisper! A Code Whisper with some heavy pausing! Do not get impatient! There's only six minutes left in the episode! Eric is stunned Chandler got on a plane all by himself to confront his dying dad. But Chandler's coming home tonight to say something to Roxanne, which, if he doesn't say, he "will go..." What, "kaboom"? Please say "kaboom." Or at least "blammo." Eric hangs up, pleased that his meddling helped another family through a crisis.
CamPound. Knock knock! It's a hooker! Xtina "thought" she "left," but as it turns out, she's back. She "like[s] life!" And pizza with the Camdens sounds just ducky. Personally, I'd rather turn tricks.
Chandler plants a wet one on Roxanne. Ew. She says she notices that he brought his suitcase in. He says he didn't want to leave it in the back seat of her convertible. Heh -- he said "back seat." More kissing. Slurp, smack. He says he "can't wait anymore." She's all, snuh? He says, "Let's do what we've wanted to do since the moment we laid eyes on each other." She looks surprised. He says, "You haven't changed your mind?" Oh, ew.
Lucy puts away her laundry, and Eric tries to hustle her along to come on down to the pool hall. And isn't it great that Mary's there, too! Whatever. She runs off with her laundry, and Eric goes to answer the door.
At the door are Lou, a.k.a. Some Parishioner Guy, and Some Detective Friend of the CamFam. They really need to talk to Eric, inside. Eric says he'd love to, but he has to meet his family down at the pool hall. Some Parishioner Guy and Some Detective Friend of the CamFam look at each other, then at Eric, then at each other again, and say they really need to talk to him -- inside. What, is his whole family DEAD or something? And LUCY survived? Oh, the inhumanity! I mean, the death part in this episode has yet to appear, and it's right in the title. I bet it's Simon. Or Mary! I'm rooting for Kevin.
Lucy checks her early pregnancy test. Her face is blank. The piano, moody. And…the end. The end, y'all!