Life and Death, Part 1

Lights up on a city hospital. People in scrubs move rapidly though the corridor until we follow one scrubbed-up guy (complete with white carrying caddy of medical "equipment") to a room, where he says to a reclining woman, "The vampire returns." She looks miffed and whines, "A-GAIN." He says, "Sor-ry!" She says it doesn't hurt as much as having a ten-pound baby push its way out of you. Or, say, recapping 7th Heaven without beers. Oh, wait; I have beers. Sir Scrubs begins to tie off the complaining woman to suck her blood, blah blah. She asks, "You a medical school student?" No, he's just some guy that wandered in off the street. Some creepy guy that means you ill will. In fact, if this were Six Feet Under, I'd say this lady is about to be deceased. But this is SevHev, and...oh, snap. Creepy stuff happens all the time on SevHev! Anyway, Sir Scrubs says that he and his wife are both "medical school students" from California, but he's a "licensed phlebologist," who needs money so he "took this job." And he can keep people from passing out at the sight of needles, ha ha. Also, they have no kids. Holy exposition, Sir Scrubs. Then his wife knocks on the door, and he says, "That's my wife." He finishes up with Complaining Lady and heads out the door with the missus. What a boring-ass intro scene.

Sir Scrubs asks how Missus's "appointment with the witch doctor" went. She didn't get to go, as her doc "had an emergency." He drops off the blood he just drew, and they move rapidly down the corridor together and head into a supply closet. They smooch a bit, and then she says she doesn't want to be pregnant; that's why she's on the pill. Sir Scrubs says that "evidently," he's "stronger than any pill." Oh, boy. Maybe the pill Sir Scrubs is cancels out the pill she takes? That must be one bitter pill. We learn via exposition that they took three home pregnancy tests, and they all came up baby-baby-pirate. And pirates are wild, if you get my Simpsons reference. Sir Scrubs says that "it's a blessing" and they should "take whatever comes." In nine months. They kiss, and hug, and hug and kiss some more. The oboe and violin noodle to the tune of "things are difficult, but everything will probably be all right, in a manner of speaking." Should I know who these people are? Is this Chandler...Hampton's brother? Shit. OH! It's Barry Watson, right? It is.

Credits. Seeeaa-venth heaven! When I see their happy faces, smilin' back at me...seeeaa-venth heaven! Where can you goooooo? When the world don't treat you right? The answer is hoooome! Mmmm! Seeeaa-venth heaven! Woof!

We're back at the whitest urban hospital ever. Ev. Er. RevEric comes in and "comedically" bumbles around. Ha ha, special guest star "Alan Fudge." Ah, Fudge! Eric almost steals something off a hospital dinner tray, but is shamed into more bumbling when an orderly busts him. Finally, he sees Sir Scrubs, a.k.a. Barry Watson. Well, they walk past each other in the corridor, and then they're like, "Dad?" "Son?" Yes. After a few seconds of talk ("So, you work in this hospital? How about that!"), Barry demands to know what his dad's agenda is. Boy, does he ever know his dad. Just when Eric is about to dish, an angry New York doctor type demands Barry get back on rounds, to kiss his ass or something, because Eric doesn't look like a patient to him. Eric watches him go with a smile, murmuring to no one in particular, "My son the doctor." Your son you were just surprised to see after you flew all the way out to New York for...what for, again?

Lucy studies at an outdoor cafe, on the Promenade, I bet. Some girlie waves at her -- Christine. She looks a bit like Elizabeth Berkley, Showgirls-era. She approaches the table and is all, hey! You're studying theology, right? You want to be a minister, right? And Lucy is all, it's Christine, right? Anyway, Christine needs a place to stay, since her apartment building has "lots and lots of dogs," and it was infested with fleas. Lots and lots of fleas. So she needs somewhere to stay for forty-eight hours. And she doesn't have a dog, she just walks everyone else's to help pay her way through school. Jesus, with the exposition this episode. Like, are we going to have a test on this at the end? Is everyone going to SevHev Trivia at the bar tomorrow? Because all this useless detail is just going to fuck us up. Lucy thinks it's "interesting" that Xtina is a dog walker, and offers her a place to stay. Xtina is all, "But you don't even know me! That is so nice of you! I accept!" But Lucy didn't even ask her mom or dad or husband! Or, you know, know this person before inviting her into her home! Oh, boy. I'm crossing my fingers for a multiple homicide. That would be a hell of a season finale.

CamPound. Ruthie starts talking shit about Peter's mom. "Why does she have to work all the time?" Because shit costs money, you little brat. Annie answers her a little less brutally than I: "Because she's a single mom with no support from Peter's dad. And she gets dignity and self-worth from her work, and contributes to the community of business." The "community of business"? What pomposity of ass. Ruthie, sounding totally pissed, screeches at her mother, "OKAY, OKAY, I WAS JUST THINKING OUT LOUD!" I wonder what Jesus' official stance on smacks in the mouth is. I'm sure he'd want Ruthie to turn the other cheek, too. Annie asks if Ruthie is okay. Ruthie, on a roll with ketchup and pickles, takes it and lobs it back. "YES. Are YOU okay?" Annie says she was, but now she's "feeling...annoyed." Ruthie can't take a hint: "BY?" Annie says, "By you." ["Girl, get in line." -- Sars] Ruthie, in full-fledged hissyfit mode, says beseechingly that she didn't mean anything, and why is she always being accused of being in a bad mood? She thinks Annie is in a bad mood! Stomp stomp stomp. Then we get a totally creepy and abrupt close-up of one of the twins, who says he thinks Annie is in a good mood. The other one says, "A vewy good mood." She says briskly, "Thank you." Wow, I think Ruthie just got her first period.

Chandler says hysterically, "You've got to stop him!" Roxanne and Kevin look at him blankly and say they don't know where else to look, and everything's going to be fine. Chandler, still hysterical, says that everything is not going to be fine, and don't they know any police officers in New York? Yes -- isn't there like, a union for cops? An order? Maybe a fraternal order? Or, um, a radio they can all talk to each other on? Hey, can you Google "NYC COPS" for him? Chandler screeches, "STOP IT!" Kevin says that he made the right decision and that he's just "panicking." Chandler harrumphs, still in hissyfit mode. Hey, I think Chandler just got his first period.

Simon's on the phone, with his legs slung up on his desk. Wow, he looks taller. Why is it that all these kids keep on growing up, but so few of them leave the house? There's a knock on his door; Ruthie barges in and asks that he get off the phone, since he's "not the only person in this house with a life." I'd say the number of people in that house with no life are tied with the people that have lives. And the ones that lives still don't have much to speak of. Simon waves Ruthie out of his room with an annoyed grunt, then gets back to arguing with Cecilia. She wouldn't mind hanging up, but for the plot's sake, we have to get the gist of their fight. It's about prom. No, Blaine, what about prom. No! What! About! Prom! Just say it! Say it! I want to hear you say it! Simon invited someone else and forgot about it, and now he can't take Cecilia. Just kidding. Cecilia doesn't want to go, because it's "a big waste of money, mostly [her] money, since the big expense is a dress." She doesn't want to buy a dress to wear just one time. Then don't buy a foofy, ugly dress. A prom dress is not like a bridesmaid's dress. Cecilia, two words: Thrift store. Two more: Sale rack. Still, skipping prom is fine with me. I went, and in hindsight, I could have skipped it. I went to a lot of high school dances and had fun at them all, but prom was a lot more loaded with significance, and therefore I felt the pressure going in. Who needs that? Simon offers to pay for all of it. Is that why you're pushing a mop around, dude? To pay for a stupid dance? Cecilia says that would be "stupid" of him to do that. Word. Ruthie bursts in, grabs the phone, and yells into it that she needs to make a phone call. Cecilia shrugs, and Ruthie hangs up fiercely then flounces out.