Rest assured -- the last thing I need to see at the very start of a brand-new season is Mary, but there she is, in her CamPound bedroom, still wearing her JetBlue uniform and talking on the fugly see-through phone. Who thought this would be a good way to start the show? I'm thoroughly surprised that anyone watching didn't just change the channel at that point, but somehow, this episode managed to pull in a record number of viewers. It'll be interesting, though, to see if this episode was ridiculous enough to scare away record numbers of future viewers. Let's see, shall we?
Mary's talking to a new boyfriend, obviously, and she's basically telling him that she's ashamed to introduce him to her parents. Ah, that's the nasty Mary I love to hate. Lucy's still the same nosy, vacuous jerk, as she comes in and barely waits for Mary to hang up the phone (sans a farewell, of course) before she starts prying. The only thing that's different is that Lucy is sporting what may well be the worst hair I have ever seen on this show. It's a long, wispy, feathery "style" that I would have been proud to wear when I was in grade four. Considering that that was the year I was wearing dark denim bellbottoms with big, garish painted flowers on them, you probably wouldn't want to take any fashion or grooming advice from my nine-year-old self. After all, that's the period my parents delicately refer to as my "awkward stage." Unfortunately, someone here has been taking a lot of bad advice, because Lucy's 'do is accompanied by an ugly zippered shirt with stupid little capped sleeves. Her whole look is so gross that it almost distracts me from the dialogue, but since Lucy prying into her sister's business is hardly a new and rare occurrence, I'm really not missing much. The only point of interest is that Mary has apparently broken up with Hunky Firefighter Dude Ben for good. This must have happened sometime over the summer, since I don't remember that from last season. But since last season had me almost comatose with boredom by the end, perhaps that's my bad. In any case, Mary flatly refuses to give in to Lucy's entreaties to introduce the unlucky new man in her life. As Mary walks off, Lucy seethes melodramatically. What a tremendous hardship that must be, not knowing every detail of your adult sister's life. My heart goes out to Lucy. Truly.
Down in the CamKitchen, Pea-Brained Moron Kevin walks in, all suited up for a day of pretending to be a policeman. I prefer to believe that over the possibility of anyone actually hiring him as a cop. Even in Glenoak, they can't be that stupid. Kevin starts annoying me right off the bat by calling Annie "Mom." Annie looks a little irked herself, as she suggests that Kevin just call her by her first name until he "officially" asks Lucy to marry him. Pea-Brained Moron promises that he will do just that, as soon as he thinks Lucy will accept. Annie cannily couches the exposition as a question when she asks him, "You moved here and changed your whole life for her, and you don't think she'll say yes?" PBM Kevin monotones that he's sure she will marry him…eventually. I hate to see such arrogance go unpunished, but since Lucy has recently become so stupid that she probably will marry him someday, I'm sure that will be punishment enough. PBM Kevin asks if it's all right for him to invite his new partner over for dinner. He mentions that she's a rookie. Annie ignores that useless statement and instead reacts with horror to the fact that Kevin will be working with a woman. Either she's missed the fact that in our culture, men and women have been working together for, well, a really long time, or else she's afraid that Lucy will go into a jealous tailspin when she finds out the news. Either possibility makes me too sad for words.
Upstairs, it's time for some more exposition, as Simon walks into Robbie's room and tells him, "You better get over Joy." As exposition goes, it's pretty lame, since the last we heard of International Pop Sensation Joy, she was still engaged to Robbie. What happened, anyway? Wait -- why am I even asking? It's not like I give a damn. Simon tries to hand the phone to Robbie, telling him that there's a woman on the line for him. Robbie frantically motions that he doesn't want to talk to her, so Simon gets back on the phone and lies to the woman, telling her that Robbie's not home, but that he will have Robbie return her call. I hope he was using the mute button before, because otherwise it's a pretty sure bet the mystery woman will see through his lie. And just who was this woman? Simon never gave her name, so all we know about her is that she obviously has very poor taste in men. Still, without a name, I'm not sure how Robbie's going to be able to call her back. Robbie says that he's sworn off women. Unfortunately, we see a close-up of Happy at that moment. You may recall that Happy is a female dog. Hmm, has enough time elapsed since I last made a vulgar joke about a male Camden and Happy with a broken leg for me to use that line again? No? Okay.
Simon leaves Robbie's room and walks down the hall, casually tossing around a set of keys in a manner which is probably supposed to emphasize the fact that he is now a super-cool teen heartthrob. Make that an irresistible super-cool teen heartthrob, because as he walks past the bathroom, he looks in and then jerks his head to order the occupant to follow him. Amazingly, she does -- "she" being an overly made-up blonde girl. When Simon asks her what she wants to do, she says, "I think we should practice making out until we get it right." I'm really so glad now that I prepared for writing this recap by not having breakfast. Simon coolly asks this girl, "What is your name again?" Ooh, so studly! The girl simpers and replies that it's "Cecilia." You know, I never thought it was possible to develop a consuming hatred for a television character in just thirty seconds or so, but I now I realize that theory was wrong.
RevCam walks into the living room to see Ruthie on the couch, combing a chimpanzee's hair. No, for real. And that's not just my new way of describing Dopey, since Barry Watson really is off the show for now. This is a real chimp. His name is Eisenhower, and Ruthie is taking care of him for their neighbor, Curtis. She goes into a long, convoluted explanation of something involving Eisenhower throwing banana pudding at Curtis's girlfriend because he was jealous of her, but since it really didn't make much sense the first time around, I can't be bothered to listen to it again. Ruthie changes the topic anyway, asking Eric if she can have her "boyfriend" over. Wait -- now I'm confused. Isn't that her boyfriend already sitting to her on the couch?
So, a new season means new credits. Nothing exciting here. These are probably just interim credits anyway, since Jessica Biel is in them, and we know she won't be around much longer. I'm hoping the same can be said of Ashlee Simpson, who plays the revolting Cecilia. Aw, how sweet -- the credits end with Annie and RevCam sharing one of their utterly passionless closed-mouthed kisses. Like I said, nothing exciting here.
I know I keep saying that the Opening Credits Timewaster can't get any more boring, but Brenda keeps proving me wrong. I'm not even sure what's supposed to be happening in this one, since Ruthie and her chimp keep coming into the kitchen and carrying out various items, like a plastic container of cheese and a basket of bagels. Hey, what are those bagels doing in the house? Doesn't Annie know bagels are weird ethnic food? Unfortunately, Eisenhower is wearing pants. I can't help but suspect that has something to do with sparing the typical viewer's delicate sensibilities. God forbid we should be subjected to naked animals. When she was very young, my sister once tried to fashion pants for our pet gerbils. Needless to say, that didn't go over too well with the gerbils. I wonder how the chimp feels about wearing pants. At least his outfit is better than Ruthie's. She's wearing huge bellbottoms and an icky shirt with seams in areas that really should not contain seams. The fact that I owned and wore a virtually identical outfit in the '70s does absolute nothing to recommend said outfit for use in the present day.
Mary comes into the kitchen and declares, "I'm not eating at a table set by a monkey." Oh, so that's what was going on in the Opening Credits Timewaster! Boring as that scene was, I'm kind of wishing they'd bring it back now. It was still better than listening to RevCam badger Mary about why she's not dating Hunky Firefighter Dude Ben anymore. There's something about Ben's ex-girlfriend coming back from London and Mary breaking up with Ben because he's "too nice" to break up with her. It makes very little sense. Huh. Mary not making sense. That must be a new one. Eisenhower sits himself down and blows a raspberry at her. Heh -- even the chimp thinks Mary is a loser. She shakes her head in disgust and rudely tells her father about how she's looking forward to leaving the "circus" of Glenoak. He asks her how many more weeks she'll be flying the all-important Buffalo-Glenoak corridor, and she replies, "Two weeks." Hallelujah! Glenoak's loss is surely Buffalo's gain.
RevCam answers the back door to find Rachel Blanchard, who's looking for Kevin. Hey, she wasn't in the opening credits! I can't blame her for taking this role. After all, a girl has to eat. But maybe she didn't want her name associated too closely with this show. That's what I'll go on thinking, because it makes me feel better. As RevCam explains that Kevin is in the apartment over the garage, Ruthie and Lucy rush into the kitchen to spy on him. Lucy looks particularly stupid as she stands there staring rudely, with her mouth hanging open. Unfortunately, Rachel Blanchard takes a wrong turn, and RevCam has to help her out. Yeah, I'm sure it's really hard to find the garage.
Lucy starts interrogating RevCam about this woman, but he has no answers. Not even RevCam's assurance that Kevin will introduce her can stop Lucy from whining about how Kevin shouldn't be entertaining women in the garage apartment her mother built. Okay, first of all, Lucy, shut up. And secondly, have you seen the Garage Treehouse? It's a slum. At least it was when your sainted mother banished you and your siblings there last season. I hardly think Pea-Brained Moron is lucky to be living there. RevCam tries again to make Lucy ease up on Kevin. He says, "Why don't you give the guy a break and let him know he didn't move here for nothing. I think he'd ask you to marry him if he thought you'd do it." I can't understand why Lucy's still mad. Surely the possibility of a marriage proposal should make her ecstatic. Shouldn't it?
Annie rushes in and demands to know what's going on. Has the stalking and spying mentality got so bad that nobody even bothers trying to be subtle about it anymore? Lucy transparently bad-mouths Kevin's guest's appearance for a while, seemingly oblivious to the irony that she's doing so while coiffed in The World's Most Revolting Hairstyle. Annie explains that Kevin's visitor is his new partner. It should come as no great surprise that Lucy is not at all mollified by that.
After she leaves, Annie tries to seduce RevCam. The look of stark terror on his face at the prospect of sleeping with her is priceless. He tries a couple of excuses to get out of it, to no avail.
On her way to the Garage Treehouse, Lucy walks past Simon and Cecilia, who are sitting in Mary's car, in the garage, making out. It's a good thing the car isn't running. With the windows and garage door closed, that could be dangerous, and we certainly don't want anything to happen to Simon or Cecilia, do we? Especially Cecilia. With her annoying baby voice, she asks Lucy, "Do you know there's a really hot blonde chick up in Kevin's apartment?" Hey, Ashlee Simpson, do you know that you should have chosen your first acting role more wisely? Because I don't exactly think this crappy role Brenda's written for you will be a springboard to success.
Lucy walks up the stairs to see Pea-Brained Moron Kevin and his new partner practicing some sort of self-defense moves. Even though it could be remotely possible to misconstrue what's going on, Lucy would have to be an utter imbecile to do so. Since it's Lucy we're talking about, of course she storms off in a huff.
Downstairs in the garage, Kevin tries to encourage Lucy to come back upstairs and meet his new partner. Lucy would rather get into an argument over whether the partner is "hot." She doesn't even seem to care that she has an audience for her crazy performance, as Simon and Cecilia quit making out to watch the fight. When Lucy gets Kevin to admit that his new partner may in fact be "hot," Cecilia tells Simon, "He's an idiot." Simon sticks up for him, replying, "Yeah, but only when it comes to Lucy." That's nice of you, Simon, but I'm afraid your assessment couldn't be further off the mark. I think it's been made abundantly clear that Kevin is a total idiot in every aspect of his life. Lucy wants to know who assigned him to be partnered with this woman. What kind of moronic question is that? Kevin's answer, "I don't know, but probably by your friend, Detective Michaels," makes me laugh so hard that I spit water all over my keyboard. Lucy's reply is even better: "How did Detective Michaels get involved in our business?" You might want to ask your dad about that, Lucy. Actually, I'm a little skeptical about Detective Michaels being involved in this decision, though. I doubt RevCam would have approved something that he had to know would aggravate his shit-for-brains daughter. Kevin tries to point out calmly that this is police business, not personal business, but he obviously doesn't know how Glenoak works. When Lucy stomps off, Simon tries to warn Kevin that she's probably calling Detective Michaels herself to confirm his story. Cecilia just sits there impassively, obviously unconcerned that she's stumbled across the most dysfunctional family of losers in town. Well, if she can't see the warning signs, me telling her probably won't help. As Pea-Brained Moron Kevin rushes off to put a stop to Lucy's phone call, Cecilia goes back to making out with Simon.
Upstairs at Eric's, he's trying desperately to escape Annie's clutches. He tries every excuse he can think of, but she's still horny as hell. When he asks what's gotten into her, she informs him that went off her HRT therapy. What does that stand for, anyway: Hormone Replacement Therapy…Therapy? Now RevCam's really scared -- and probably a bit turned off. When he sees that all his lame excuses are too subtle for Annie, he finally tells her flat-out that he is not in the mood because he is "distracted." He's distracted by inner questions like this: "Do our children have normal relationships with other people?" Annie has to know that for RevCam to ask a question so inane means he no longer has even a nodding acquaintance with reality. When she tells him he worries too much, I hope she's just using that as a ruse to calm him down long enough for her to phone for an ambulance from the psychiatric ward.
Oops, I guess Annie can't use the phone right now anyway, because down in the CamKitchen, Kevin is struggling to keep it away from Lucy before she can call his boss with her dumb-ass questions and pretty effectively ruin his career forever. He uses a little diversionary tactic of his own to distract her, overpowering her with a kiss. Swoon! It's just like in all the very best Harlequin Romance novels from the early '80s! The heroine really wants the hero, but she's too silly to know her own mind, so she needs to be subdued by some uninvited kissing. That's exactly the sort of message this show needs to be sending out to impressionable young girls, and we should all applaud Brenda for doing so. Anyone? Anyone? You know, I'm not hearing any applause.
After Lucy storms off yet again, Robbie walks into the kitchen and asks Kevin, "How's it going?" Kevin morosely starts to tell his tale of woe, but Robbie cuts him off to say, "I didn't really want to know. I was just saying, 'How's it going?'" Brenda, please don't give Robbie any storylines this year. Just have him walk around the house saying things like that to various Camdens. It would make the show bearable -- possibly even good.
Alas, it is not to be, since Robbie runs into Rachel Blanchard, whose character turns out to be named Roxanne. And of course, Robbie knew her in the seventh grade. Golly, what are the odds. Although considering there are only four recognized states in the CamVerse, perhaps the odds aren't altogether astronomical. Roxanne and Robbie exchange puerile flirtatious banter for a bit before Robbie confesses, "You know, I think I spent the entire seventh grade thinking about making out with you." Okay, Robbie, that was probably appropriate when you were twelve, but these days, don't you wish that the making out could take place on a CamCouch while the entire family looks on? A tantalizing prospect, I know. Go on -- broaden your horizons.
Lucy is upstairs in her bedroom, using the fugly see-through phone to call Detective Michaels. Man, I sure hope there's room in RevCam's psychiatric ward ambulance for Lucy as well. Lucy's call is not going through because Kevin has picked up another extension. He tries to persuade her to get to know Roxanne, but Lucy's still being pissy. Finally, Ruthie snatches the phone away and hangs up, saying, "Why don't you just marry him and get it over with?" Lucy's reply -- "Maybe I don't want to get married" -- shocks me to the core. Maybe if Kevin forces some more of his manly kisses on her, it will change her mind? It's probably worth a shot, Kevin. Ruthie tries to give Lucy some genuinely good advice, and never once does she come right out and baldly state that Lucy is crazy as a loon. Maybe I've misjudged Ruthie. She may be nicer than I think.
Down in the CamKitchen, Mary is taking the pot roast out of the oven. I'm only mentioning that because I think it's the first time I've ever seen her do anything even remotely domestic. Not content to mismanage his own affairs, Pea-Brained Moron Kevin is now trying to stick his nose in Mary's business too. It's a stupid conversation that just goes around and around, like a dog chasing its tail. Mary keeps insisting that Ben is only using her to make his old girlfriend jealous; Kevin thinks he has a right to delve into Mary's life. I'm guessing they're both wrong on their assumptions.
After Mary stomps off, Lucy comes back down. She's ready to apologize, though she's not willing to do it gracefully or sincerely, which pretty much makes the apology useless. As she opens the back door, she sees Roxanne and Robbie on the porch. You probably don't need me to tell you that they're making out. Even when Lucy slams the door, you can see from their shadows that they're still going at it. This leads Lucy to draw some conclusions about Roxanne. I'm pretty sure what she's about to say is that Roxanne is a slut, but mercifully, Kevin cuts her off. I have just one question for Lucy: If Roxanne is a slut, then what does that make Robbie? ["Uh…amazing?" -- Sars]
The doorbell rings, and Mary goes to answer the door. Of course, the CamRents go to answer the door too, since it's always necessary to have at least three people answer a door. Don't you find that true in your own life? Mary opens the door to find Grant Goodeve, or "Captain Smith," as she calls him. She nervously asks him what he's doing on her doorstep, and he replies, "Hey, you said if I was ever in the neighborhood and needed a good home-cooked meal just to drop on by, so I did." Mary may have said that, but I'll bet she was talking about Buffalo. And when she said "home-cooked meal," I'll bet she actually meant making out for hours on her couch. Annie invites the captain in for pot roast, and he accepts. He's not only wearing his full pilot's uniform, but he's also carrying his hat. I'm confused. One of my cousins used to be married to a commercial airline pilot, and I don't remember him walking around in his uniform all the time. Maybe Captain Smith is the one who's confused? Perhaps he thinks he's an Air Force officer who's on duty. Hey, if he thinks dinner at the CamPound sounds good, he's obviously delusional.
In the living room, everyone is tensely staring at each other -- "everyone" being the CamRents, Captain Smith, and Kevin. Kevin? What's he doing there? And where is Mary? Lucy comes in to join the fun, as the captain makes small talk with surly Kevin. Robbie and Roxanne walk in to say that they're planning to see a movie. Annie helpfully suggests that Kevin and Lucy join them. This suggestion is not exactly met with great enthusiasm by Lucy, but she agrees to go. Before Kevin leaves, he interrogates the captain about how he knows Mary. Captain Smith explains that he and Mary met through work. God, Kevin is such a moron. He's a pea-brained moron, in fact.
After the young folks leave, the CamRents get down to interrogating the captain themselves. Before they can get too far, however, Ruthie interrupts to remind them that her "boyfriend" is coming over. Predictably, RevCam ventures toward getting dangerously upset again, but Annie handles it, motioning over his head to Ruthie to leave. When she does, Captain Smith laughs indulgently, which causes RevCam to ask him if he has any daughters. He has two, and the oldest is in college. Annie perks up, assuming that he's married and not dating her daughter, but it turns out that he's widowed. The CamRents look much sadder at that news than anyone could expect them to under normal circumstances. I'm sure they're not fooling the captain any.
Upstairs, Simon and Cecilia have abandoned their making out in order to spend some quality time with the twins. Simon has to be told that Mary is dating the captain, a fact which he finds hard to believe. His pointless assertions that "nice" men don't date much younger women are met with much eye-rolling by me. I'm sure I'm not the only one so afflicted.
The lovely double-daters are probably not going to make it to their movie after all. That's mainly because Kevin has pulled back up in front of the CamPound to spy on the captain, or stalk him, or…something. RevCam would be so proud. This -- even more than Kevin calling Annie "Mom" -- totally proves his assimilation into the Camdens. It's just too bad no one thought to check for the body-snatching pod in the basement of the CamPound before it completed his replication. It goes without saying that an argument breaks out. It's mostly between Lucy and Roxanne, although everyone else joins in the fun from time to time. Perhaps the lowest point of Lucy's transformation into über-bimbo arrives when she starts accusing Roxanne of wanting to be partnered with Kevin because he's good-looking and single. Come on, Lucy, not everyone is as shallow as you. If I had to choose a work partner who could potentially have to save my life at some point, would his cuteness be at the top of the list? Also, is Kevin really single? Isn't he practically engaged to you? You obviously don't have much faith in your own worth. Now, I'm not saying you're worth much anymore, but it's just sad to see exactly how far your character has slid.
Roxanne stirs up trouble by mentioning that Lucy and Robbie used to date. This is news to Kevin, whose sleuthing powers obviously leave a little to be desired. His stalking instincts might not be up to snuff either, because Roxanne has a theory: "If we're waiting here just to tail Mary and that old geezer, my bet is they're not even going to get out of the Camden house together." She's probably right. Kevin pointlessly suggests, "As Ben's brother, I think I owe it to him to find out what Mary and her date are up to." He changes his mind, however, when he finds out that Ben knew about Lucy and Robbie and just never told him. As he puts it, "When I confirmed [that Mary is dating Captain Smith], I was gonna tell Ben, but if my brother doesn't want to share information, then why should I?" Having abandoned his stalking mission, he gets ready to drive away. I assume he's going to take everyone to the movies, but I can't help but hope that he'll change his mind and drive the car, with all its revolting occupants, right off a cliff. Surely the world would be a better place then.
Upstairs in Mary's bedroom, she and Ruthie have a delightful sisterly bonding session. Translated, that of course means that Ruthie expends a whole lot of energy in trying to get Mary to admit that she's dating Captain Smith -- or "Jack," as Mary calls him when she slips up. Ruthie is relentless, not even backing down when Mary tries to distract her by offering to pretty the younger girl up for her date. Those Camdens are such a loving family.
Downstairs, the CamRents are desperately trying to convince themselves that Captain Jack is not dating Mary. Annie even offers to fix him up some "nice women" from the church. Hey, how about Serena? She was a charmer. Jack fends off the CamRents rather nicely while leaving them no doubt that he is indeed dating their daughter. He and Mary skip out for their date, leaving the stunned CamRents in their wake. Hey, now that Jack is dating a Camden, surely he'll want to move into the CamPound soon. With the Garage Treehouse taken, I'm not sure where he's going to sleep, though. In Robbie's room, perhaps? Maybe there's a dilapidated garden shed out by the trash cans?
As they're walking out the front door, Ruthie's little "boyfriend" walks in. It's that Jake kid from the Valentine's Day episode -- the guy who looks like a young Shaun Cassidy. Just as he asks the CamRents if Ruthie is home, Eisenhower starts squealing. Jake looks confused. No, Jake, that's not Ruthie. It's just her chimpanzee.
The date finally gets underway, but it doesn't seem to be going all that well. Jake, Ruthie, and Eisenhower are all sitting on the living room couch together, while RevCam sits in a chair and stares moodily into space. Annie comes into the room and asks him for some help in the kitchen. After he leaves, Ruthie and Jake discuss their game plan. I'm not entirely sure what's going on here, but it sounds like Ruthie is not actually interested in Jake (thank God) but is just using him to distract RevCam from the problem of Eisenhower. I wonder how Jake feels about the fact that Ruthie obviously prefers a chimp to him. That must be a blow to the ego. She asks Jake to put his arm around her, even though RevCam's not back yet. This sends Eisenhower into a jealous tizzy. To say that I'm squicked out by that would be an understatement.
Over at Ma Camden's Family Feedbag, Annie is trying vainly to cheer up RevCam. She's pretty deeply mired in denial about the whole Captain Jack and Mary dating situation. She also thinks that Ben will show up and "convince Mary he loves her." Okay, it might happen. But why would anyone think that's a good thing? Annie tries to distract Eric from spying on Ruthie and Jake by enticing him with an invitation to read the twins a bedtime story. When he says he can't leave Ruthie and the boy alone in the living room, Annie plaintively asks, "You'd rather be with Ruthie and her boyfriend and that chimpanzee than me?" Actually, he would rather do that, thank you very much. I don't blame him. Under the gun, I might be willing to avoid Ruthie by spending some time with Annie, but throwing the twins into the equation kind of tips the balance.
In the living room, Ruthie sees RevCam coming, so she makes Jake kiss her. Eric yells at them to cut it out, although he is suspicious because he knows Ruthie saw him walk in. She realizes the jig is up and tells Jake to go home. RevCam offers to drive him, but Jake says his sister has been sitting outside the CamPound "just hoping to get a glimpse of Simon." Oh, Lord. Jake's sister would be that Maria girl who was all over Simon last year. Give it up, Brenda. Try all you like, but I really don't think you're going to make us believe that all these hot older girls are mad for Simon. I really have no feelings on David Gallagher, one way or the other. But Simon? He's definitely a dud, not a stud.
After Jake leaves, Ruthie tries to con RevCam into letting her have a pet. Her plan is to make him so grateful that she's not dating, that he will agree to let her keep Eisenhower. As far as plans, go, it's really not bad. And you'd think RevCam would be dumb enough to fall for it. Unfortunately, it's not Ruthie's lucky day. When Eric finally understands what it is she wants, he asks if she is insane, adding, "I'm sorry -- I said that out loud." That's kind of a cold thing to say to your daughter, but since Ruthie just finished pouting like a five-year-old, I guess I can forgive him. Ruthie takes another crack at explaining why Eisenhower might be sent back to a research lab. Apparently, he's been living with their neighbor, Curtis -- even though I highly doubt zoning laws would allow that. Anyway, Eisenhower has been getting too attached to Curtis, to the point where he threw some banana pudding at Curtis's girlfriend. Ruthie points out that the researchers "think that tossing banana pudding at Curtis's girlfriend is an aggressive act." I don't know about that. Is Curtis dating Lucy? Because then I'm sure it would be totally justified.
After RevCam foils Ruthie's plan and she leaves, Annie comes into the living room. She's not as blatant this time, but you can tell she still wants RevCam to join her for some nookie. He's still too busy worrying about his kids, and he has some sort of unspecified plan he needs to set in motion. Annie warns him, "You really should think about whatever it is you're thinking of doing, and don't do it." I'm sure she's finally right about something.
Down on the Promenade, Lucy and Pea-Brained Moron Kevin are fighting some more. This time it's about Lucy not telling him that she dated Robbie. It's such a boring argument that Kevin gets up to leave. He drags Roxanne off with him, leaving Lucy and Robbie mighty confused. They yell at each other a bit before getting distracted by Simon and Cecilia making out on a bench a little ways away. When Robbie suggests that Studly Simon might be thinking of sex, Lucy panics and tries to get Robbie to have a manly chat with him. Normally I'd be disappointed that Lucy wouldn't consider doing that herself -- after all, she is his older sister -- but considering how stupid she's become, it's probably better just to let her concentrate on inventing paranoid fantasies and picking fights with her boyfriend. Robbie sulks about the fact that he thinks Kevin is being perceived as the "new Matt." Oh, please. Dopey has at least twice the IQ of Kevin, I'm sorry to say.
Over by the make-out bench, some guy comes along and asks Simon, "Hey, are you making out with my girlfriend?" Ashlee gets to deliver her big dramatic line of the evening when she says, "If I'm your girlfriend, then why were you making out with another girl right here just last night? Oh, wait -- not just last night. The night before and the night before that." Man, that's hokey, even for a Spelling show. Simon gets up to leave after telling Cecilia to call him if things don't work out with this guy. Lucy watches events unfold and then says, "Ain't love grand," in a way that makes me long to smack her.
Down at the pool hall, Mary and Captain Jack are having what looks like a pretty tense date. Mary takes him to task for just showing up, uninvited, at her parents' house. Jack boringly explains that he won't be comfortable going out with her unless her parents are comfortable with it. He adds, "That's the kind of guy I am. I don't want to sneak around." He's just convincing Mary that their relationship should be out in the open when someone behind him asks, "But what about Ben?" Ah, yes -- it's Pea-Brained Moron Kevin, of course, here to save the day. Jack gives them some privacy so that Kevin can rake Mary over the coals for dating Jack. Kevin tries to make Mary think that Jack is dating her because he only wants "one thing." Since this is 7th Heaven, I'm guessing that "one thing" is a stupid make-out session on the couch. Kevin keeps getting worse and worse, and by the time he calls Jack a "pervert" for going out with a younger woman, I'm wondering why Mary doesn't just crack him over the head with her pool cue. I'm sure it would be considered justifiable homicide.
At the CamPound, RevCam is burning up the phone lines to Buffalo, informing Ben about Mary's new boyfriend. I think this is the allegedly fabulous plan that Annie tried to dissuade him from earlier. Eric's trying to convince Ben that Mary's just trying to get back at him, but that she really loves him. Oh, RevCam, why can't you have some dignity? Ben winds down the conversation by telling Eric to tell Mary that he's now dating his ex-girlfriend. He ends the conversation by slamming down the phone without even saying goodbye.
As RevCam's frantically dialing and redialing Ben's number, the doorbell rings. For once, Eric is the only person to answer the door. It's Curtis, and he's here to pick up his chimpanzee. He's also solved the issue of keeping Eisenhower. His solution? He found a female chimp who was probably feeling lonely and unfulfilled without a man (this is 7th Heaven, after all). That poor chimp is made to wear a red dress, though the outfit is better than ninety-five percent of the clothing seen on this show. Curtis offers Ruthie twenty bucks for baby-sitting the chimp. RevCam makes her give it back. She asks Curtis to donate it to "the animal fund of [his] choice." After he leaves, I thought I could hear a retreating male voice shout, "Woo-hoo! Let's order pizza!" But I could be mistaken.
Simon is explaining to Robbie that Cecilia paid him to kiss her in order to make her boyfriend jealous. And -- get this -- she actually gave him forty bucks. Shouldn't this show really be called something like Beyond Belief? Robbie threatens to tell the CamRents about this if Simon ever does it again, to which Simon replies that Robbie is sounding more "Matt-like" all the time. Robbie takes that as a compliment.
The guys enter the CamKitchen, where Eric shoos them upstairs so he can continue obsessively redialing Ben's number. I can't help but be scared to find out what the part of his grand plan may be.
Upstairs, Annie asks the guys what her husband is up to. Look, Annie, give it up. He's not going to have sex with you. You should just get yourself some sex toys. They have Hello Kitty ones, you know. In fact, maybe you can borrow one of Robbie's. Simon heads off to bed, telling his mom he loves her. She shouts back that she loves him too. Robbie just says good night and turns to leave. After a moment, he takes a chance and calls out, "Love you!" Annie shouts, "Love you too." It would have been funny if she'd toyed with him by dragging that out to say something like, "Love you to…take out the trash." But the scene, as it stands, was pretty damn nice.
Lucy, Kevin, and Roxanne are standing on the front porch, saying good night after their date. Roxanne gives Lucy a sincere-sounding apology and suggests that the two couples double-date again sometime in the near future. Lucy just smiles wanly at her and nods, which is pretty rude, if you ask me. Then she waits until Roxanne is not even out of earshot and says, "I still think she's a --" Kevin cuts her off again, but it's too late for me. If I were in Glenoak, I'd probably kick her teeth in right about now.
In the CamKitchen, RevCam is still trying to get in touch with Ben. What a freak. Lucy comes in and has a pointless conversation with her father about where she parks the car on various nights. It has something to do with garbage cans being on the street. Oh, who cares? When Lucy asks RevCam who he's calling, he replies, "No one." That is true -- Ben is a nobody.
Well, there's only one more child who hasn't come home yet, and here is Mary now. RevCam gives his dialing finger a break to harass her about her choice of boyfriends. Mary actually responds maturely for a change, and I'm pretty impressed. Why is it that the only times I've ever seen her act like a human being have been right before she's being banished somewhere or before she leaves for good? My momentary admiration for her is interrupted by the phone ringing. It's Ben calling back, because he wants to know if Eric just called him. When he says, "I star-sixty-nined you," I have to do a double take before I realize that the word "star" was in there. We may never know what the rest of RevCam's brilliant plan was supposed to be, but since Mary's here now, he passes her the phone, saying, "It's for you." Imagine the unpleasant surprise in store for both Ben and Mary when they realize who they're talking to. It's probably just as unpleasant as what Brenda's got in store for us episode.