Courteous? This Is A Race!

Previously on How To Endanger Your Franchise With One Drunken Casting Session: First, it was awwwwwesome. Then, it was great. Then it was great, except for the part where Flo won. Then, it kind of sucked. Then it kind of sucked, except for the part where Chip and Kim won. Then it really sucked, except for Kris and Jon, and especially in the parts that had shoving. So now, it is time to see whether the trend can be reversed. It's safe to say we all certainly hope so.

We swoop (yay, swooping!) over a lighthouse and a marina, and then Phil is standing on the deck of the Titanic, and Leo DiCaprio is in the water all, "I'm cooooold," and then...okay, not actually. Actually, Phil is on the Queen Mary, and we're at the Port of Long Beach, where 11 teams will go racing all over the damn place for a big honkload of money, and...well, bless its heart, even though they didn't give it a long enough vacation, I'm still happy to see it. All the teams have an existing relationship! Yay! I am patter's bitch. In other news, Phil's hair is really, really short, and is thus less spiky than usual. I can't say I'm in favor of that.

First out of the helicopter are Debbie and Bianca. One of them has red hair, but they are spiritual blondes. They are introduced as "lifelong friends from Virginia." The more redheaded one, who is apparently Debbie, says that they spend lots of time "goofing off," and calls them both "silly" enough times to choke a Doberman. By way of illustration, we see them drink martinis (wacky!) and roller skate-spin in someone's driveway wearing white tops, miniskirts, and long tube socks with stripes at the top. It is something out of a roller disco movie, and while I am not the demographic at whom this display is aimed, I maintain that it? Is stupid. Bianca promises that they are "strong" and "intelligent," and they "can win this thing." Especially the roller-skating parts.

up? Lynn and Alex, a pair of boyfriends! From West Hollywood, California! So, you know, GAY. Lynn, in an interview in which he kind of looks like Alex, ten years and 10,000 beers later, says that the two of them have "sharp claws." But then they promise that they only strike if you piss them off, or whatever. Because as Lynn says, they wouldn't want to "break a nail." Get it? It's a nail-breaking joke, because they're GAY. And also, they have a dog they carry, even though it's not really a carrying kind of dog. Now, call me unfairly biased; I won't deny it. But I knew Guido. I have had dinner with Guido. And you, sir...well, you get the idea. And it's cute when they're in the car and Lynn is all tousling Alex's hair, but then Lynn adds, "We'll scratch their eyes out." See, it's a catfight joke. Because they're GAY. I certainly hope that goes on all season.

, Rob and Amber. Woooo! Okay, look. Either you watch Survivor or you don't, and if you do, then you either like Boston Rob (known affectionately to me as B-Rob, to be distinguished from a zillion other relevant and irrelevant Robs of the past) or you don't. I, personally, like him, mostly because I watched all of All-Stars and practically none of Marquesas, and because Lex was the biggest self-righteous yahoo in the history of self-righteous yahoos, and Lex just hates Rob. Also, Rob has an adorably goofy Boston accent against which I am completely helpless. Thus ends my explanation. He and Amber get off the helicopter as Phil explains...you know, how they met. Rob explains that they "both have a competitive edge," but they also have a friendship that is now love. And Rob name-checks Survivor for the first time, saying that they've gone through sleep deprivation and hunger and so forth, so he's not seeing them as likely victims of Killer Fatigue. He doesn't call it that, but I won't take it personally.

As the teams stroll toward the starting line, Phil gives his usual patter about "brains, brawn, and teamwork" and so forth. "These are the questions waiting to be answered as we get ready to begin...The Amazing Race." And they fake me out with this every season! How do they keep doing that! I always want credits there! I am a fool. We back away from the Queen Mary. And back, and back, and back. Big boat, that.

Now, we are on land, where Phil is explaining how they're about to leave and stuff. He explains how their cash allowance has to cover everything but airline tickets, which they don't have to pay for. At the end of each leg will be a pit stop; eight of the pit stops will be elimination points. Your first clue is with your luggage, which is behind Phil, as always, because we love the shot of everyone running by Phil. They're to get their bags, read their clue, and then jump into a car in the parking lot. Oh, and the prize is a million dollars. People jump up and down. Is everyone ready, Phil wants to know. They all helpfully "Woo!" their readiness. "The world is waiting for you," Phil says. "Good luck. Travel safe." And then there is an eyebrow pop, and I choose to believe that eyebrow pop is exaggeratedly there for me personally, because I am sick in the head and love Phil. Anyway, "GO!" There is screaming, and then the crowd runs by Phil, and he attempts to cheat death by leaning back slightly, as always. Hee. People fly across the lawn of the park. We see Lynn and Alex open their clue. "Fly to Lima, Peru," they read. And then Uchenna, too, is really, really excited to find out that this show will apparently involve international travel. In Lima, they'll have to go by bus to the Plaza de Armas and search for another clue. And there are only two flights -- United 840, or American 252. And you get $132 for the leg. No palindrome money allotments this time, I guess.

People run, and in accordance with tradition, they say "baby," and "let's go," and the first two teams to hop into cars and get going appear to be Patrick and Susan and Ray and Deana. Amber pats the back of the car and says, "Honey, open the trunk." "Yeah," Rob says. "If I knew how." Hmm. Brains, 0. We'll have to see how brawn and teamwork do. Teams leave, following each other, and Rob laughs at himself for not knowing how to open the trunk. Somewhere, Lex throws Cheetos at the TV, going, "That's your karma right there! You traded it all away, man! We could be doing this together, man!" ["And he called the car 'honorable,' too, no doubt. Shut up, Lex." -- Sars] Uchenna and Joyce are just happy about going to Peru. The teams' cars streak off into the distance, and then...credits.

Credits! Oh, man. The first-season tiger is gone for the first time. I pause to mourn the exit of the most famous ennui-filled tiger in the history of television.