Monkey Business, Part 2

The sun rises on the CamPound while, inside the girls' room, Mary noiselessly gathers her stuff together and sneaks out of the room so as not to wake the other two sleeping sisters of mercy. As soon as Mary is out the door, Ruthie and Lucy sit up in bed, and then whirl around to face each other with a simultaneous precision not seen since those Chinese acrobats used to perform on the Ed Sullivan show. "Sooner or later, like it or not, she's going to have that conversation with Dad about Captain Smith!" says Lucy. Hey. It looks like the 7th Heaven stylists just discovered the "Rachel" haircut, realized that it's the hippest thing since the Gibson Girl, and proceeded to blow out the hair of every single cast member on this show with the exception of Lucky the dog. Even Ruthie, who has sleep in her friggin' eyes, has the perfect comb-out as her head arises from her Hello Kitty pillow. "That guy gives me the creeps!" says Ruthie, urging Lucy to say something to Mary about it while she secretly fantasizes about Captain Jack showing up at the CamPound with vague promises of candy and gifts of Hello Kitty products. Lucy would like to talk to Mary, but Mom told everyone not to say anything. "You don't always do what Mom tells you," says Ruthie. "I try," says Lucy. Try? I must have missed that episode. Ruthie reminds Lucy that Mom told her to stop "stringing Kevin along" and agree to marry him already. Lucy defends herself by saying that Kevin never asked her, and he might be interested in his new partner Roxanne anyway. Ruthie insists that Kevin would totally ask Lucy to marry her if he knew she'd say yes. Uh, Ruthie? Since Kevin packed up and moved to Glenoak in order to live on the CamPound after two dates with Lucy, I don't think he suffers too hard from rejection sensitivity. Oh, but then it comes up that both Ruthie and Lucy have said something to Mary about Captain Smith anyway. Whoops! "So do you think anyone can stop Mary from seeing this guy?" asks Ruthie. "It's not likely," says Lucy. At that, they both plunk their heads back down on their pillows, but Lucy remains awake and stares at the camera really really hard.

Theme song. Oh, I don't think that even the mega-irresistible Reese Witherspoon can save Sweet Home Alabama from itself. And I just realized that that's not Matthew McConaughey that she hooks up with. And can I just ask, what the hell is the name of that damn song that goes "you're everywhere I'm going to," sung by that Lilith reject and featured in the coming attractions of just about every movie made since 1999? And what was that "verb" ad for, exactly? You know, the one where that girl dives into the pool of verbs. What are they trying to sell me? And thank God for Campbell's Soup At Hand! At last, I can get ten times my recommended sodium intake without having to stop working at my computer, or even sit down at all for that matter!

Another shot of the CamPound exterior. Tonight's guest stars are Grant Goodeve and someone named Alan Fudge. Hee! His last name is Fudge! And tonight's time-waster features Robbie shaving at the bathroom sink while wearing a ski cap and shivering-a-plenty. There's even a vaguely artistic shot of his face from below the surface of the sink full of water. He leaves the bathroom and runs into heartthrob-come-lately Simon, who asks him if he's "left any hot water" for him. Robbie reveals that there wasn't even any hot water for his showerthus the ski cap and the shivers a-plenty. You see, apparently Mary hogged it all when she woke up super-early in order to avoid Dad. That's right. You see, there's always hot water for everyone unless Mary wakes up super-early. That's why waking up early to avoid confrontation is a bad thing. "She's going to have to talk to Reverend Camden sooner or later," says Robbie. "Did you talk to her?" asks Simon. Oh course not, insists Robbie; AnnieCam said not to. Oh, but wait, he caved and talked to her anyway. So did Simon. Whoops! The twins enter and say something uncute and reminiscent of Children of the Corn.

Meanwhile, outside of the CamPound, Mary furtively gets into her car and tries to slip away without -- say it with me now -- speaking to Dad about Captain Smith. But RevCam is just too slick for Mary. He's right there with his morning coffee. "Best coffee I've had all week," he informs her as he lets himself into the Marymobile. "Because I'm having it with you." RevCam brings up the fact that Mary's been avoiding him for a whole week. Mary explains that she didn't appreciate RevCam telling Ben about Captain Smith. "You mean maybe I shouldn't have told Ben that you're dating someone twenty years older than yourself to get back at Ben when he's done absolutely nothing?" I love how, according to RevCam, no one just gets bored sexually with one guy and decides to get it on with someone else. There always has to be revenge involved. Oh, wait. RevCam is right, because Mary confirms this by pointing out that Ben is getting back together with his ex-girlfriend. "He's just talking to her," explains RevCam. Mary insists that she no longer cares for Ben and that RevCam should trust her. She also tries to use the RevCam's initial distaste for Robbie as an example of how RevCam often judges her boyfriends too harshly. "And now he lives in your house and you treat him like your son!" says Mary. "Well, that could be a problem with this new guy," says RevCam. "You see, technically, he's too old to be my son." Mary is all, "If the man I date makes you feel uncomfortable, I will stay somewhere else." RevCam explains that he can't help but say something if his daughter is dating a guy RevCam's own age. Mary is all, "Don't make me choose between my family and Jack!" RevCam is all, "You'd consider leaving your family to be with this cradle-robbing lowlife sky jockey who's got a daughter your age?" Mary shoves RevCam out of her car and races off. "I hope that every time you even think of kissing him you think about kissing your father," yells RevCam, loudly enough for the neighbors to hear him. Wow, that was funny. Except it wasn't.

Back in the CamKitchen, Annie could not look more uncomfortable with the twins. Seriously, she looks like she found them abandoned in a shopping mall and is waiting for their real mom to swing by and pick them up. "What would you like for breakfast today?" asks Annie desperately. "Cookies!" says the one on the left. (I don't normally recap this show, so don't even ask me to remember their names. ["Sam and David, but honestly, even the Camdens can't tell them apart, or can't be bothered to, so don't worry about it." -- Sars]) "Ice kweam!" says the one on the right. "How 'bout oatmeal?" suggests Annie. Uh, if it's gonna be oatmeal anyway, why'd you bother asking? This reminds me of that Sandra Bernhard routine where she talks about coming home from lunch every day when she was a little girl and pretending to "order" lunch from her mother like she was a waitress in a roadside caf. "Oatmeal really does make you very big, strong and healthy," says Annie, like she's appearing in an infomercial for oatmeal and she just plucked these kids out of the studio audience. But the twins aren't buying. Probably because the aliens that inhabit their bodies read somewhere that kids love sweets, and if they obediently ate their oatmeal, it would send up a red flag. Fortunately, RevCam enters to save us from anymore domestic "comedy." He tries to lie about his reasons for being outside -- he claims to have been putting the trash out -- but Annie knows it's not trash day, so the truth comes out. "You weren't trying to catch up with Mary again, were you?" asks Annie. D'oh! RevCam reminds Annie that their eldest daughter is marrying a man old enough to be her father and that they need to step in. Annie argues that meddling will only push Mary into getting serious with Captain Smith. RevCam tries to pretend that he may have gotten through to Mary when they talked. Annie sees right through this. The twins back her up. Jesus, when did Annie become such a hag?

Simon admires his new clothes and jewelry in the mirror of his bedroom while Ruthie spies on him. Now, Ruthie may look all wet behind the ears, but she knows when a Camden family member is selling his ass. She interrogates him about the bling-bling. Simon claims that he's spent some birthday money because he wants to "look nice." Ruthie reminds him how much he hates to part with a buck and therefore must have way more than birthday money. She's also noticed that he's out of the house during most evenings and suspects that something foul is up. "If you need my help, let me know," says Ruthie, exiting. Robbie enters. "She's onto you!" he whispers frantically, wrestling Simon homoerotically into the safety of their bedroom. Simon doesn't see a problem with his business. Plus, he's only seeing one repeat clientplus Ceciliaand this cheerleader whose parents have made her break up with her boyfriend, and a bunch of other girls. Robbie is alarmed by how many customers Simon has. Simon claims to be the "perfect date," because he's a good dancer and a good bowler. Uh, since when did a date end badly because your date bowled under one hundred? "You're not just a date, Simon," says Robbie. "You're an escort!" Okay, I just have to ask what the writers are getting at this week. I mean, we all know that "escorting" can be a euphemism for prostitution. But if Simon isn't literally having sex for money, why is "escorting" such a crime against nature if it really is just escorting?

While Simon and Robbie debate the pros and cons of not having sex for money, Ruthie returns and listens at the door just in time to hear Simon say, "I'm not selling sex," and Robbie say, "You're one step away from it." Speaking of selling sex, Kevin enters in his form-fitting policeman's uniform and busts Ruthie for eavesdropping. Simon and Robbie open the door, wanting to know how much Ruthie heard. Ruthie plays dumb, and Kevin tells Robbie that he should move into the garage so that Kevin can live Ruthie's old room and thus be closer to Lucy. Robbie doesn't want to live in the garage. Simon takes Ruthie out of there so he can drive her to school. Robbie exits for class. "We'll talk tonight," says Kevin, giving off stalky vibes like Ray Liotta in Unlawful Entry.

Back at the church, RevCam is being confronted by a church elderor someone who could be a regular character, for all I know. He wants to know what RevCam was doing out on "the street" in his pajamas this morning. He also wants know why Mary drove off so fast and why RevCam said something about kissing her. Okay, back up here. If RevCam is molesting his oldest daughter and bragging about it to the entire neighborhood, wouldn't this be a complaint that would kind of overshadow Mary's driving fast and the public wearing of pajamas? I mean, what's ? "RevCam, you're raping your children and you're not sorting your recycling properly." Apparently, according to church elder guy, the parishioners want to know why the Cam children are allowed to do things which reflect badly on the church -- like Mary dating "an older gentleman," Lucy living with her fiance, and Ruthie baby-sitting for the monkey. Jeez, hasn't anyone on this show ever heard the stereotype about preachers' kids or even that song by Dusty Springfield? I mean, I was always under the impression that if you were a preacher and your children weren't acting in porn films or serving time in a federal prison, you were a pretty good parent. RevCam nervously tries to explain away all of the gossip before he exits to go get an address off his desk. I'm guessing that was Alan Fudge.

Back at school, Simon is walking down the hall with BritneyClone. Only she's ChristianBritneyClone, because there's only a couple of centimeters of midriff exposed below her aqua shirt. BritneyClone wants to hang out sometime, but Simon is "booked." BC wants to know why he's been spending so much time with Claire Cleavage. Okay, which writer on the 7th Heaven staff actually named a character Claire Cleavage. Oh, wait -- that's just her nickname, because Simon tells BC to stop calling her that. He also explains that Claire Cleavage is a paying customer and gets to spend as much time with him as she wants, since it's her dime. Plus they don't really do anything except hang out in the library. "She has kind of a bad reputation," says BC. Uh, how much of a "bad reputation" can Claire Cleavage have if she has to pay for sexless dates? I mean, if she's that easy, you'd think her dance card would be full.