The show starts with a long pan of various members of the CamFam in the living room. They're all staring glumly at Lucy and Robbie. See -- there is something realistic about this show, since I know that staring at Lucy and Robbie tends to bring down the mood in our house too. There are sound effects to suggest that the twins are babbling in the background. What they're saying makes no sense, but that's not much different than the dialogue of anyone else on the show. Hey, wait a second! When did the show's rating change from G to PG? Do the more conservative fans of the show know about this? I sincerely hope some dweeb is starting up a letter-writing campaign to protest this new turn of events. Maybe I'll start up one on my own, as a prank. After a long pause, Lucy cheerfully announces that she and Robbie have something to tell the family. Ruthie steals her thunder by asking, "Is this about you two being together?" Lucy's taken aback that anyone knows about her vile romance with incestuous, serial-Camden-dating Robbie. With varying levels of disgust, each Camden lists the places they have seen the young lovebirds making out. When Dopey says he has seen them by the trashcans, not once but twice, I snort. I've always found it funny when people have really bad wedding photographers who take clichéd shots through heart-shaped lenses, or superimpose a rainbow behind the happy couple's heads. But my favourite pose is when the photographer has the groom kneeling down in front of the bride as if he's proposing, even though she's, you know, already wearing a wedding dress and has even picked up her bridal bouquet. My only regret about having a low-key wedding in New Orleans is that I didn't have a formal photographer to take a shot of my husband and me in that pose -- in front of a dumpster. Still, I think it's kind of sad that Robbie and Lucy have been making out by the garbage cans. I'll leave it to you to make the inevitable "trashy" jokes.
In any case, Robbie is optimistic that since the CamRents already know about the romance and haven't said anything, they are okay with it. He really is dim, isn't he? As Annie and Eric remove the twins from the room, Simon and Dopey leave too, but not before telling the charming couple that they don't give a shit about the romance. Ruthie's not so disinterested, though, as she says, "I'll be ready to date in four years." Then she winks. Oh, ewww! And that gets only a PG rating from the censors? In case you flunked math, writers, in the same way you obviously flunked Creative Writing, Ruthie will still be jailbait in four years. The future tart starts to leave, but then turns back. We get a good look at her annoying pajamas, which have stupid unicorns all over them. I pause the tape to fetch a barf bucket in case she wants to elaborate on her last statement. Fortunately, all she wants to know is whether Robbie and Lucy have told Mary yet. They haven't. Ruthie says that's "interesting," but I beg to disagree.
I'm glad I didn't put away the barf pail, though, when I see the guest star credits and remember that Julie and Hank are scheduled to make an unwelcome appearance this episode. And what's with the names of the other guest stars? This episode has not one, but two, actors named Sami. Golly, what are the odds? While the rest of the opening credits roll, we get to see Robbie and Lucy in her bedroom. They're not doing what you think they're doing -- unless you're some kind of freak who likes to while away the hours playing Rock, Paper, Scissors. No, really -- that's what they're doing! I'm not sure I've ever seen anything quite so weird on network television. Was someone actually paid to choreograph this shit? I like to think that when their hands are off camera, Lucy and Robbie are actually flipping each other the bird. At one point, Lucy choose Scissors, and Robbie chooses Paper. She makes this weird cutting motion on his hand -- perhaps to remind him of the super-complicated rules of the game, in case he forgot. It's kind of pathetic that this looks like the most fun she's ever had. In the end, it turns out there actually was a purpose to the game: Lucy loses, so she must inform Mary of her idiotic pairing with Robbie -- who turns out to be the type of ungracious winner who boorishly gloats over the person he's beaten. Lucy's nervous, but relieved to end all the "sneaking around" and to have the chance "to make it official." To make what official, exactly? "Us, you and me, dating, being a couple, being in love." Love? She's not jumping the gun or anything, is she? Despite Robbie's lackluster reception of Lucy's idea, she is still thrilled about the two of them being a couple -- at least until Robbie leaves the room and she starts to look worried.
In the CamBoudoir, Annie suggests that the CamRents forbid Lucy and Robbie to date. RevCam says, "Nah, I'm sure if we give them enough rope, they'll hang themselves." Oh, so is having a plot about auto-erotic asphyxiation part of the show's new PG policy? I'm sure it's safe to say that I'm not the only person who hopes not. RevCam gives a little speech about how people who get together for the wrong reasons always wind up splitting eventually. That's probably true, Eric, but don't forget that many of those people don't realize it until they're decades into a marriage. Annie throws out the idea that the kids may be experiencing "true love." I'm sure she's right, and that the best thing for Lucy and Robbie to do is to marry. After all, they've already been together a week, so I'd say it's long past time for them to get engaged.
Over in "New York," Mary's firefighter training supervisor is putting up a list of students who have passed the latest tests and are still in the program. Mary and her classmates rush up to check out the list. It's hard to tell from her initial reaction whether Mary passed, but since I couldn't care less, I'm not exactly biting my nails in anticipation. The hunky firefighter dude she made out with in the last episode comes up to talk to her, and we find out that they are both still in the program. The hunk thinks this is great, but Mary has to correct him. She says, "No, what would be great would be if Wilson was talking to me. Then I could call him and I could share this with him, because if it weren't for him, I wouldn't have made it." What, because he went jogging with you that one time? Why isn't Mary taking credit for her own accomplishments? Is it because a woman is nothing without a man? Nice sentiment, that. At least Mary's quick to take her share of the blame for kissing this guy, which surprises me a little. Mr. Hunky Dude says that all the guys who passed the test are going out to celebrate, and they want him to invite Mary. What's wrong with these people? First of all, how did they find time to organize a party in the thirty seconds or so since the pass list went up? And why can't any of these other classmates ask Mary himself? Are they all mute? They could still write her a note, you know. Mary launches into a much-too-long speech about how Wilson still is not speaking to her and how upset she is about that. She finishes with, "And you think that with all that going on, that I'm just going to kick back and party with the guys?" I don't know why she's acting so incredulous to be invited out by her classmates. Surely getting to know her future coworkers would be a much more productive endeavour than trying to worm her way back into the odious Wilson's good graces, in the hope that she can spend the rest of her life picking up his dry cleaning and Billy's damn bananas. ["Plus, what better time to drown your sorrows with beer? Oh, excuse me -- 'with half a beer.'" -- Sars]
Back at the CamPound, Ruthie is trying to give Lucy a little pep talk about breaking the dating news to Mary, but I'm too distracted by the oddly curved part in Lucy's hair to pay much attention. Ruthie's mention of Mary dating one of Lucy's exes, "Fish Lips" Jordan, finally gives the older girl the courage to call Mary. I'm not sure why the repellent George answers Mary's phone. I thought it was Mary's own line, which would have to mean that George is hanging out in her room. Sadly, he probably is in her room, sniffing her panties or something, while Mary is down at the firehouse. Lucy babbles on for a while about how she would like to leave a message but can't. Eventually, George says he will tell Mary that she called. He adds, "Okay, I'm going to hang up now." I suppose that's a trifle more polite than the traditional Glenoak custom of just hanging up the phone without even saying goodbye, but it does make George sound a little slow. Of course, when he does hang up the phone, he doesn't actually say goodbye, which just makes him sound like a rude git.
Simon is walking into Pete's Pizza when he sees his ex-girlfriend, Sasha, across the way. He calls out to her, and she looks up at him, then looks away quickly before hurrying off. Not clever enough to accept that he's been dissed, Simon tries calling out to her again. This sort of thing probably happens to him every day, so you'd think he'd be used to it by now.
In the CamKitchen, SuperMom is reading a book and taking notes. I think it would have been great if the book were one of those 7th Heaven tie-in novels. Now, that would be funny, unlike the usual stupid crap that passes for in jokes, like putting Brenda Hampton's name on a box of cereal. Annie's reading is interrupted by a knock at the door. It's almost a relief for me to see that's it's Aunt Julie. I've been carrying around a low-level dread of seeing her up 'til now -- almost like knowing that your company is having financial problems and wondering when they're going to lay you off. Once they do, at least the tension is over. And I'm happy to report that I've laid eyes on Julie and my head didn't even explode! Yet. Annie's kind of rude to Julie, implying that she's too busy making up her lesson plans to talk. That's not exactly believable, since her classes seem to consist of her telling the students to read a book and then explain it to her afterward. Maybe she just can't stomach a chat with Julie and is looking for any excuse to ditch her.
A girl with messy blonde hair and a tight light-blue T-shirt is handing out some papers to Dopey's study group. The camera closes in on her torso. At first it looks like Dopey is staring at her breasts, but I think we're actually supposed to be noticing that she has bruises on her arm. Personally, I think her breasts are so prominent in the shot because it's November sweeps. The girl, Mel, says that she will fetch some snacks from the kitchen, and some guy says he will help her. I guess her hooters must be pretty mesmerizing, because two other guys follow them out of the room. Dopey uses his study time to sit down to another blonde and stare at her creepily. She moves away from him, disgustedly saying, "I have a boyfriend." Ha! Dopey claims he wants to talk to her about the bruises on Mel's arm. Mel has been saying she got bruised at the gym, and Dopey doesn't believe her. Neither does this other girl, but she doesn't want to get involved in Mel's personal business. Do you think maybe Dopey will get involved, though? Maybe?
Mary arrives at the Colonel's to find Wilson waiting for her. He says he'd wanted to surprise her at the training centre, but he didn't want to see Ben. Ah, so the hunky firefighter does have a name. I'm not sure why Wilson thinks it's such a great idea to surprise Mary. It wasn't exactly a rousing success the last time he dropped by unannounced. She tells him she passed her test, and couldn't have done it without him. Yeah, yeah, we get it already -- women can't do anything without a man's help. Now quit insulting us. Mary apologizes for locking lips with Ben, and wants to know why Wilson hasn't returned her calls. He says he has been too upset, and that he didn't want to talk to her again until he was "calm and rational." Okay, one out of two ain't bad. Actually, he's not that calm either, as he sulkily mentions that he never wants to see Ben again, prompting Mary to say that there's something she must tell him. If you've ever seen a bad sitcom, you'll know that Ben will choose this precise moment to walk into the room. He's calling Mary "Camden," and saying that "the guys are waiting," neither of which suggests a big romance, but of course Wilson is too dim-witted to pick up on that. Acting less mature than his son, Wilson snits, "I hope you two will be very miserable together." Ooh, burn on you, Mary! Well, not really. Wilson storms off and slams the door, while Ben shrugs moronically and Mary does her best to look sad.
After a more-than-welcome commercial break, we get an establishing shot of the Colonel's house, which is covered in at least a couple inches of snow, demonstrating yet again that no one on the show has the foggiest notion of what Buffalo is like. Dude, it's the fucking beginning of November, okay? Even Buffalo is not covered in snow yet. I'll bet if the writers ever were to embark on a fact-finding mission to western New York, the dumb-asses would show up in July with skis on their car roofs. How hard is it to check out weather.com? Mary makes the mistake of going to vile George for advice, which seems to consist of shit like, "Well, this is a fine mess you've gotten yourself into." Ugh -- every time I see him, I'm seized with an almost overwhelming desire to shove his head in a toilet and flush repeatedly. George further demonstrates his lack of brain function by telling Mary that she should do "whatever it takes to get [Wilson] back." The rest of his advice is that Mary should talk to Wilson about the Ben incident. Wow, thanks for nothing, George. Mary acts like she couldn't have thought of this tactic herself. George selfishly adds, "Figure out once and for all if you two belong together, so both of you, and me, can get on with our lives." Um, what life, George?
Outside Pete's Pizza, Simon sees Sasha using a pay phone. Undaunted by her obvious avoidance of him earlier, he cheerfully calls out her name. She freezes like a deer caught in someone's headlights. She's obviously formulating an escape plan, but it's too late; she's trapped. Simon strides over and demands to know why she pretended not to see him earlier. Boy, he really is a glutton for punishment, isn't he? Sasha's too polite to tell him to go fuck himself, though. She says she's meeting her ex-boyfriend, Larry, because he wants to get back together with her, and that she didn't want Simon to know that she hasn't been in "a decent relationship" since last year. Larry's already off to a great start with this reconciliation, since it seems he's stood her up. Sasha says that Larry had to work, but that she's going to stay and wait for him to "get off." Oh, get your mind out of the gutter. Obviously, Annie's big self-esteem lecture didn't have much effect, as Sasha is afraid of not being here when Larry shows up, since then he "might not take [her] back." Simon offers to stick around and wait with her. Sasha adopts a facial expression which makes you think he'd just offered to kick her in the spleen. Come to think of it, a boot to the abdomen sounds a little more appealing than passing the time with Simon. It looks like Sasha's shaved off her eyebrows and painted fake ones in their place. Maybe these two crazy kids could spend the afternoon at the aesthetician's, having some of his eyebrows grafted onto her forehead.
The reason Julie has decided to grace the CamPound with her delightful presence is that she's upset because she fought with Hank. Whoop-de-fuckin'-doo. Maybe there's a viewer out there, somewhere, who finds that of any interest, but I sincerely doubt it. Besides, with Annie's helpful offer to save the day, you know nobody's going to get divorced on this show -- PG rating notwithstanding. Julie leaves the CamKitchen with no explanation, just as Ruthie walks in. Well, maybe there's your explanation for her departure, if you just read between the lines. Ruthie sure does own a lot of dreadful clothing, even for a little girl. She's wearing a fugly red shirt with a drawing of a horse's head on it. Annie leaves to pry into Julie's business some more. The phone rings, and Ruthie answers it. It's Mary, returning Lucy's call. Lucy's not around to talk to her, so Mary tries to force the news out of Ruthie. She doesn't have to try too hard. Ruthie hints at the Lucy and Robbie situation by saying, "Remember the guy with the big lips?" I think she's referring to this Jordan guy from long ago -- the one who dated both Lucy and Mary. You know, I don't think it's very nice of them to refer to Jordan's lips like that. I mean, what if the actor who played Jordan is watching the show? I know it's unlikely, but still.
Back at her apartment, Mel is saying goodbye to her study group members. Dopey keeps fussing over his knapsack until all the others have left. You'd think Mel would be anxious to get rid of him, too, but she just closes the front door and walks over to Matt, asking him why he looks so "strange." Mel, you obviously don't know him that well. His hair has always looked stupid and weird, and it's probably not very polite of you to mention it to his face. Oh, maybe she just meant that he looks upset. After scaring the hell out of her by saying he'd planned to have RevCam speak to her about something, Dopey launches into his speech about working at the free clinic, where he sees "a lot of battered women stuff." Even though his vocabulary could use some work, I can't really fault him for speaking up. Mel could handle this a little better, too, since she totally goes off on him for making assumptions about her relationship with her boyfriend.
I know it's annoying to be asked questions like this. Years ago, I tripped over a pile of laundry on my floor, and fell into a bookcase. Yes, I am incredibly clumsy, and slobby too, but that's not the point. I broke my finger, split my lip open, and ended up with a bunch of bruises on my arm. Maybe the ER doctor found it hard to believe that someone could be so klutzy as to fall into a bookcase (which is partly why I told everyone else later that I'd gotten into a bar brawl), but he kept asking and asking if someone was pushing me around. I wasn't even dating anyone then, but by the time the doctor was done questioning me, I half-believed that I'd been beaten up. Still, if someone had been abusing me, maybe the questions would have encouraged me to speak up about it and get help. I don't know. It's true that Dopey may be a little slow, but he is trying to help. Mel could just thank him for his concern and explain that he doesn't need to worry. Maybe she's just too annoyed that Dopey keeps bringing up his father as someone Mel should speak to. In any case, she does tell him to find a new study group.
Up in the twins' room, Annie makes a whispered phone call to RevCam. She's whispering because Julie is in the CamBoudoir, taking a nap. I don't think she's so much worried about waking up Julie as she is about having her find out she's been talking to Eric about Julie's marital problems, after Julie expressly asked her not to. You just know that Annie could never resist a challenge like that, no matter what, but she uses the excuse that if RevCam doesn't help, Julie will leave Hank and move into the CamPound. Eek! No wonder RevCam gets right on to the snooping.
Robbie's already acting like a possessive boyfriend as he waits by the front door for Lucy to come home. He wants to know if she's talked to Mary yet. When she says she hasn't, Robbie asks, "So we're not a couple yet?" Aw, it's time for their first fight. How cute! Lucy is afraid that Robbie doesn't want to date her openly, that he only wants a girlfriend he can "make out with in the backyard by the trash cans." And what a tempting prospect that must be! Lucy's not overly pleased with Robbie's responses, so she starts to second-guess whether they should even be dating. But I thought that they were already so deeply in love! And in the week they've been together, I've grown to care so much about their relationship. Why, this is almost as important and timeless a romance as that one Lucy had with the last guy she got engaged to after two weeks of dating. His name escapes me right now, but you know the guy I mean. Ruthie comes downstairs and tells them that she has already filled Mary in on the whole icky situation, and that Mary doesn't care. She adds that Mary called Robbie "a lazy dater," which is kind of funny, though it doesn't come anywhere close to adequately summing up the situation. Ruthie performs an irritating mock wedding ceremony, in which she declares Robbie and Lucy to be "a couple." I can't remember anyone caring so much about defining themselves as part of a "couple" since I was in junior high. Is Lucy just one of those losers who can't go three days without having a publicly acknowledged relationship? If so, that's pretty sad. Despite the fact that everything is now "official," neither Lucy nor Robbie is looking overly thrilled. Lucy questions their being together one more time, but her fears are subdued by Robbie's stupid assertion that he wants to take her on their "first official date." I hope Lucy doesn't turn into the type of person whose husband will cheat on her because he knows she can be bought off with two dozen long-stemmed roses. Lucy and Robbie hug. Out of sight of each other, they both overact the worried expressions, just in case the viewers haven't figured out already that this relationship is doomed.
On the Promenade, Simon is asking about Sasha's boyfriend Larry. Sasha says, "He's kind of selfish and really into himself, but he's cute. Really, really cute. And popular. He always gets invited to the best parties." If Sasha is aware enough to know that Larry is such a heel, wouldn't she also know that she shouldn't date him? Mind you, I don't think there's anything wrong with sleeping with someone solely because he looks good in spandex, as long as you don't expect much more out of it. It's just a little hard to believe that Sasha is smart enough to see Larry's major flaws, yet so stupid as to want a real relationship with him. She rounds off the discussion by flattering Simon for a while, but I missed most of that since I was busy refilling my barf bucket.
SuperStudent Cheryl is studying in her apartment when there's a knock on her door. Really, Cheryl is one of the better characters on this show, and I'm not sorry to see her again. She even has a framed picture of a bunny on her wall. I just wish she wouldn't part her hair directly over her left ear. She answers the door; of course, it's Dopey. She immediately warns that she doesn't want to get back together with him, which cracks me up. Actually, as you probably already guessed, he wants her to pry into Mel's business for him. Apparently, he wasn't able to find RevCam right away, and even though the abuse he suspects Mel is suffering has been going on for at least a year, he "has a bad feeling about this," and can't wait the extra hour or two that it might take to locate his father. Whatever. That's pretty much Cheryl's reaction too. At least after telling Dopey that she's sorry she ever spoke to him about her own abuse in high school, she gets to slam the door in his face. I'm envious.
So what has RevCam been doing that's kept him from meddling in Mel's life? Why, he's down at the free clinic, meddling in Hank's life. After unsuccessfully trying to get a nurse to drag Hank away from the patient he's with, RevCam finds Hank himself. At least Hank knows what's important. After telling Eric that he and Julie are getting a divorce, Hank shuffles him out into the waiting room and gets back to doctoring. For reasons that are never adequately explained, the nurse comes over to Eric and says, "Now I can help you." All righty, then, ma'am. Do your talents extend to pulling RevCam's head out of his ass? Because that would be genuinely helpful.
RevCam checks in with SuperMom by phone. She says she's been trying to page him, but he left his pager at the church. That was kind of sloppy of him. Doesn't he know how useful pagers and cell phones can be during a stalking or snooping mission? I'm a little surprised at his carelessness. He tells Annie that Hank has quit his job and is working full-time at the clinic. He drops the divorce bomb, too. Annie conveys her dismay by not moving a single facial muscle. Wow. Now that's acting!
In "New York," Wilson arrives home to find Mary playing with his son. I don't think Wilson's come from working on the "annual report," since he's not wearing a tie with shiny things on it. Mary explains that she dismissed the babysitter because she and Wilson need to talk. Wilson, very reasonably, tells her to leave. Little Billy opts to go instead, for which I am profoundly grateful. Wilson again tells Mary to leave. She melodramatically asks, "Are you asking me to leave your apartment or to leave your life?" Wilson looks perplexed. While he's mulling that one over, Mary apologizes some more and insists that there's nothing going on between her and Ben. After Mary walks out the door, Wilson blinks a lot while he tries to take all that in.
He follows her out to the elevator, pulling the door to his apartment shut. I sincerely hope he's forgotten to bring his keys. He tells Mary to start talking, so she does. She tells him that the night she kissed Ben, she'd been planning to accept Wilson's wedding proposal. For once, I don't blame Wilson for looking bewildered. She doesn't really explain the connection between kissing Ben and wanting to marry Wilson, but she does say that kissing Ben was "a big, crazy, stupid mistake." Personally, I think the "deciding to marry Wilson" thing is a lot stupider of a mistake, but that's just me. Wilson compounds his charm with a patriarchal "maybe, but lately your life has been a series of big, crazy, stupid mistakes." He goes on to lecture her about responsibility for a while. He's somewhat justified, but if I were Mary, I'd hightail it right out of there. Instead, she apologizes again, and asks, "How many times do I have to say I'm sorry?" Since there are still twenty-one minutes of show left, I estimate that we'll have to see this same stupid scene replayed at least three times. Let's see -- at four apologies per scene, that means she'll have to say she's sorry at least twelve more times. Hmm, maybe this episode should be called "Apology." Mary says she still wants to marry Wilson, and while he advocates a long engagement while they work out their problems, she insists that they elope to Niagara Falls the day. I can't believe Wilson is being the voice of reason in this scene, but it's true. When he tells her that her idea is "crazy," she says, "No, what would be crazy would be not getting married and not spending our lives together!" Okay, but I still don't understand why they have to do it tomorrow. Oh, who cares? Thinking about this is making my head hurt. Wilson starts talking about a big wedding with family and friends, but Mary silences him with a kiss. What a great way to iron out their problems! I'm sure everything will be okay now, as long as they get married right away. After all, November sweeps only lasts for three more episodes.
Back in Glenoak, Lucy and Robbie are on their all-important first official date. The mood is tense, and all they seem to have to talk about is how exciting it is to share their first official meal together. Lucy has even dressed up for the occasion, with a bulky pink sleeveless polyester turtleneck. Trust me, it's hideous. Lucy's conversational ploy is to beg Robbie to share his feelings with her. Anyone who's ever tried that can probably tell you that it's not exactly the way to go on a first date. Hell, I've never tried it, but I still know it's a bad idea. Lucy discovers this for her own dim self when all Robbie can up with is that she is both "better" and "different" than Mary. At least it's starting to look like there won't be any second date. And if we're real lucky, maybe Lucy will be so traumatized by the memories that she'll never wear the frightful pink sweater again.
We finally get to meet Sasha's enchanting boyfriend, Larry. He comes up to Sasha to tell her he's been hanging with some friends in the pool hall. When Sasha whines that he stood her up, all he has to say for himself is that he needs twenty bucks to pay for his food. Simon looks on in disgust and then leaves. Sasha's upset that Larry promised to bring his friends home, but she goes with him anyway. I don't understand. He's not even cute.
Obviously, Cheryl has picked up some stalking tips during her association with the Camdens, since she has managed to track Dopey down in front of the library. Hee hee! I still giggle every time I have to type a sentence with the words "Dopey" and "library" in it. Matt and Cheryl apologize for being inconsiderate to each other earlier, and then Cheryl offers to talk to Mel.
Poor Julie. Not only is her marriage breaking up, but now she is forced to listen to Ruthie's stupid prattling about not being allowed to have a boyfriend. She gets back at Ruthie, though, by blathering on about Uncle Hank and what a jerk he is. Ruthie calls her insults "redundant," and feels compelled to explain the definition of the word. Julie says she's already aware of what "redundant" means -- which, considering her role on this show, is probably true. Annie walks into the room and banishes Ruthie, then starts badgering Julie about her marital woes some more.
In a nice piece of symmetry, Eric is down at the clinic pestering Hank. Actually, I was lying about the "nice" part. It looks like RevCam got the nurse to set him up in an examination room so he could talk to Hank. While I think it's pretty awful to waste the time of all the patients that Hank should be attending to right now, I'm at least glad to see that RevCam isn't lying on his back with his feet in the stirrups.
Wilson is trying to explain to irritating Billy that he and Mary are eloping. Little Billy seems to have taken on the function of his Glenoak counterpart, Ruthie, in existing solely to talk other characters out of doing dumb things. Now, it's not like I'm dying to see plots involving either Ruthie or Billy, but this "Omniscient Child" shit is so passé.
Hank is regaling RevCam with his explanation of why he quit his hospital job. It's something to do with not helping people enough and living in a big house. I don't know. I can't help but wonder, though, how someone this stupid ever managed to make it through med school, since RevCam has to explain to Hank that Julie is upset that he made all these major life-altering decisions without consulting her. Maybe there's some hope for Dopey's medical career after all. I'm just glad that Glenoak is populated by fictional characters who don't actually need any real, competent medical care.
Julie bitches some more about Hank while Annie makes far too many funny faces. She saves the wackiest face of all for when Julie informs her that she is pregnant and hasn't told Hank about it yet. In fine old soap-opera fashion, we cut to commercial, as if this were some big cliffhanger-type announcement that viewers would care about.
Annie marches Julie down to the free clinic to face Hank, who really should be getting back to his patients by now. Instead, he and Julie fight in the clinic, right in front of the CamRents. Finally, Annie leads the bickering losers into an exam room so we won't have to hear the rest of their conversation. Thank you, Annie. You must have been reading my mind. RevCam incredulously says, "Pregnant?" Yes, Eric, don't be so shocked. Obviously you have more than a passing acquaintance with the concept of pregnant women, so I think now would be a good time for you to shut up.
In the backyard of the CamPound, Lucy and Robbie dissect their date from hell. Lucy provokes (probably) unintentional guffaws when she asks, "So what happened to us? I thought we were in love!" Again, it falls to the man to set the little woman straight. Robbie informs her that making out for a week does not constitute love. Yes, thanks for that newsflash, doofus. Lucy is made to look even stupider by being upset because she wanted to be the one to break up with him. Robbie gallantly says that she can tell everyone she ditched him. I hope it won't be too hard for Lucy not to be part of a publicly acknowledged couple. But there's still time. After all, November sweeps period still has three more episodes. Maybe she can even get engaged again before the Christmas hiatus! After one last incredibly unromantic kiss, the romance is over for good. At least I hope it is.
To cheer herself up over the fact that she may never have her own subplot again, Ruthie has been spying on Lucy and Robbie from inside the CamPound. Simon walks in and asks her what she's doing. She says she's "watching Robbie and Lucy break up." The happy un-couple walk in and announce their break-up anyway. As they walk out of the kitchen, we get an unfortunate glimpse of Lucy's ghastly pleather pants. I hope the reason she's walking away so quickly is to dispose of the entire get-up she's been wearing this evening. Ruthie says, "I'm , and when I get him, I'm keeping him. Three's a charm." Maybe Simon would like a turn at my barf bucket? He'll have to wait until I'm done, though.
He picks up the phone to call Sasha, who answers eagerly after barely one ring, and listens happily while Simon gives a speech about how she should not be dating Larry. She does cut him off, eventually, to say that she's decided not to get back together with Larry. And why is that? Because spending the day with Simon made her realize how wonderful it is to have "a great guy" like him to be with, so she's decided not to date any old piece of trash that asks her out, even if it means she "might have to be alone for a while." Don't worry, Sasha -- being "alone for a while" on this show probably means only one episode, so you should be in luck. Pleased with his work, Simon offers to squire her, "as a friend, to movies and dinner" until the right guy comes along. Sasha accepts that offer enthusiastically, though, of course, since her guest star turn is done, we'll probably never see her again.
Outside Mel's apartment, Dopey paces impatiently until Cheryl comes out. She tells him, "You know you're an idiot, right?" Well, the rest of us know that, but I think it's pretty obvious by now that Matt is unaware. Cheryl explains that Mel is a boxer who really does get hurt at the gym, and that "her boyfriend's never laid a hand on her." Yep, sounds like a 7th Heaven relationship, all right. Oh, she meant in a bad way. Okay. Dopey apologizes for getting Cheryl involved, but she's okay with it. She says that Dopey wasn't entirely wrong about Mel, whose mother used to get pushed around by her father. So…refresh my memory. How does that make Dopey right about Mel? Oh, that's right; it doesn't. Cheryl also thanks Dopey for making her confront her own feelings about being beaten up by her boyfriend in high school. Cheryl says she'll be talking to RevCam about finding a counselor. Hmm, maybe this episode should have been called "Patriarchal Wise Men Save Silly, Unduly Grateful Women." ["How would that distinguish it from the rest of the episodes?" -- Sars] Dopey asks about reinstating their romance, but Cheryl puts him off by saying that she's "met someone." Arrogant Dopey realizes she's lying. The tip-off is that the new guy is even "cuter" than Matt. Yoo hoo! Simon? Yeah, are you done with my barf bucket yet?
The CamRents clog up the hallway of the free clinic with their annoying presence, while Hank wastes more of his patients' time discussing his loathsome marriage with Julie in an exam room. RevCam brings up the possibility that Julie is not pregnant and is just going through menopause, except he can't quite bring himself to say the word "menopause." Come on, Eric, you can say it! The show is rated PG this week. Hank and Julie come out into the hallway to announce that they're not going to get a divorce. Hank says, "Our vows were for better or for worse." Aw! So have we all learned a Very Important Lesson about the sanctity of marriage this week? You betcha! Hmm, maybe this episode should have been called "Major Life Issues Resolved Through Trite Intervention In Under An Hour." ["See my comments above." -- Sars] Julie says she's going to stick around and distract Hank from his work until the end of his shift, and then they will both be by to pick up their daughter from the CamPound. But what if the Camdens don't want to look after the brat until then? Come to think of it, is anyone looking after her now?
Mary is waiting for Wilson at Buffalo's Exchange Street train station. At least they got the name of the station right. I'm still a little perplexed, though, as to why the two have to take a train to get to Niagara Falls. Doesn't Wilson have a car? Couldn't they just walk? It's really not that far. Finally, Wilson shows up, carrying an overnight bag. I'm a little disappointed that there are no diamonds on it. Mary is freaked that he's late, and she frantically asks if something is wrong with Billy. Wilson tells her that little Billy is not taking the news of their elopement well. Mary selfishly forgets all her concern for the kid and says brightly, "I'm sorry, but I'm sure Billy will understand." She adds that if they bring Billy, they won't have a honeymoon. Wilson insists that they have to talk; Mary says they can talk on the train. Okay, but it had better be a short chat, because it's only, like, a ten-minute ride to Niagara Falls. Wilson doesn't feel right about eloping and not informing their families. He thinks that constitutes "lying." I'm not quite sure why, but I'd rather not delve too deeply into the frightening wasteland that is Wilson's mind. Mary doesn't want to tell their families, because she thinks they won't understand. Wilson says, "So if we can't tell them, that means our relationship isn't strong enough to withstand their criticism." No, numbnuts, it just means that you'll get less of a hassle if you present the marriage to everyone as a fait accompli, okay? I'm not saying that it's a good idea for them to get married -- and if they should decide to reproduce, I'm not sure the gene pool would ever recover -- but they are both over eighteen, so it's really nobody else's business what they do. Despite Wilson's incredible idiocy, Mary still tries to get him on the train. She points out that it's about to depart, and asks, "Are we getting married or not?" He stares at her blankly, and she stares back, almost as blankly, as we fade to black.
Hmm, maybe this episode should have been called "Sixty Minutes That Would Have Been More Profitably Spent Scrubbing The Hard Water Stains Off Your Toilet." ["And again…" -- Sars]