The Camdens are assembled in the half-finished garage apartment. They are watching Annie walk around and pretend to examine beams and stuff. I think the fact that she's holding a hammer is supposed to lend her some credibility, though personally, I can't help but suspect that should she ever finish this apartment, it will look like something Homer Simpson built. A twin screeches something that sounds like "Mama!" although the closed captioning optimistically interprets it as "Mine, mine!" I think the captioner was just going by context, since Dopey replies, "No, I don't think so. Mine, eventually." Another boring fight ensues over who will get to move into this room. Frankly, I don't know why anyone would want to. Annie's building it, remember? The skirmish is interrupted by the arrival of Mary. Annie is absolutely thrilled, and she rushes over to hug her. Mary does a great job maintaining the same vacuous smile throughout the scene, as she gives a dorky little wave to the rest of the family. It gives me great pleasure to report that no one but SuperMom seems even remotely glad to see her.
Uh-oh. Brenda Hampton co-wrote this episode. That's not a good sign. Maybe her co-conspirator, an Erik Kolbell, will be able to keep her in check. At least nobody's attempting anything really ambitious for the Guest Star Credits Timewaster this week. All we see is Annie preparing cookies and milk, and bringing them in to Eric and Mary in the living room. Eric announces that Mary's home for good, and he does not look overjoyed at the prospect. He wants her to clarify why she's back, since he never heard anything about it from the Colonel. Mary helpfully explains that the Colonel and Ruth are at "George's school campout this weekend." Ha! What kind of school activity is that? No wonder George is such a freak. Much as I adored my grandmothers, I can't imagine having brought them on a school field trip. If the producers are too cheap to bring back guest stars like the Colonel, they should at least stop making such ridiculous excuses for his absence. Annie undermines RevCam's authority by telling Mary that she doesn't need to account for her return -- although it's obviously just a shameful ploy to keep us in suspense over whether Mary and Wilson ever got married. Freed from having to explain herself, Mary can't get out of the room fast enough.
RevCam asks why Annie doesn't seem at all curious about the circumstances leading to Mary's return. Annie points out that they'd already been through this with Lucy returning from New York, and that everything worked out fine. I'm a little surprised that she mentioned it. I would have thought that if they're going to recycle plots from just six episodes ago, they wouldn't want to draw attention to the fact. Eric halfheartedly tries to get SuperMom to question Mary's return, but Annie's too brain-dead to care. She skips off to start preparing Mary's favourite meal: pot roast and apple pie. Considering that her cookies and milk platter is still sitting, untouched, on the coffee table, I don't know why she'd bother going to the effort. RevCam asks himself, "What's wrong with this picture?" Well, plenty, but right now I'm mainly curious as to whether Annie really has all the ingredients on hand for Mary's special dinner. I mean, who keeps a pot roast in their refrigerator "just in case"?
I'm amply reminded of why I detest Mary when I see her carrying her stuff up to her old room. She cheerfully announces, "I'm back!" and asks where she can put her things. Lucy and Ruthie rudely look at each other and don't speak, so Mary says, "Oh, I guess you didn't hear me." She asks about her stuff again, but the girls are still silent. Then, in a loud voice, so patronizing that it makes me want to smack her, Mary says, "Where…should…I --" but she's cut off by Lucy, who looks like she's about ready to cuff Mary herself. Lucy explains that there's not enough room for Mary or her stuff. Ruthie tries to soften the blow a little by saying she wishes there was room, but you can tell neither girl wants to spend any time with Mary. I will give the older girl credit for leaving graciously, although it's entirely possible that she's just too dense to know she's been dissed. Ruthie closes the door after Mary, and she and Lucy start to speculate on whether Mary and Wilson are married, planning to get married, or already broken up. Ruthie says she wants Mary to apologize "for all that stuff she did last year when she got kicked out." Lucy basically tells her not to hold her breath, since Mary is such an insolent bitch, although Lucy's too wimpy to be that direct about it. She adds, "I think we just have to accept Mary for Mary," but she doesn't look pleased at the prospect. Ruthie fuels Lucy's anger by pointing out that when Lucy returned from New York, she didn't get a great reception, the way Mary has. Well, I haven't exactly noticed the family jumping for joy at her return, but maybe Ruthie's just talking about Annie.
Speaking of Annie, why hasn't she found a place for Mary to sleep? I can't imagine going to my parents' house and having to tromp through all the rooms, looking for a spot to put my clothes. Mary's not doing much to help herself, either. She's just sitting in the upstairs hallway, looking around, which is a pretty weird thing to do, if you ask me. Simon comes along and offers to help with her luggage. When Mary tells him that there's no room for her upstairs, Simon's quick to point out that he doesn't have any room for her either. Heh. He starts quizzing her about Wilson, but Mary cuts him off by saying, "When I'm ready to tell everyone about Wilson, I will." Okay, now, that's just annoying. How hard is it to say, "We broke up, but I don't want to discuss it any further." Hmm? Mary makes it seem like whatever lame news she has to deliver is so important that she can keep everyone hanging on in anticipation. What's saddest of all, though, is that in this family, she can keep them curious -- except for maybe Simon, who probably speaks for the vast majority of viewers when he says, "You know what? Forget it. I'm not even all that interested in you and Wilson." He adds that he wants to know what she's "hiding," but obviously he doesn't want to know that badly, since he doesn't stick around for her answer.
Dopey comes along and offers to help Mary bring her stuff upstairs. I think it's just great that everyone is making her explain repeatedly that her sisters don't want her anywhere near them. Dopey asks her where she'll be staying. Mary suggests the garage apartment, even though she's already seen it and should know it's not exactly habitable yet. Dopey says, "You know, we've both seen apartments, and that's not an apartment. That's just menopause with a hammer." Wow, insulting much? It's true that the apartment does suck, though. In fact, at this stage, it pretty much resembles the inside of a treehouse -- which gives me a great idea for where Mary can stay. I'm sure Annie or Lucy could build a treehouse in a day or two. Then when Mary's up there sleeping, I'll book a flight to Glenoak just so I can take away the ladder in the middle of the night. Problem solved. Anyway, Mary looks baffled by Dopey's menopause joke until Dopey explains that "menopause" is the same thing as "change of life." Ah, that she understands, although it does make her want to change the subject. Dopey starts badgering her about Wilson. His theory is that she and Wilson "either got married or broke up." He cheerfully opines that they broke up. Mary looks annoyed and demands that he find a place to put her luggage.
Dopey leads her into the room he shares with Robbie. I hadn't realized there was quite that much Hello Kitty merchandise in there. We're not talking a few notebooks and trinkets; this room is stuffed with the big-ticket items, like stuffed animals and pillows. How the hell can Ruthie afford all this? Do the producers have any idea how much that shit costs? I wonder why Ruthie didn't bring it all upstairs to her new room. You don't spend hundreds of dollars on this stuff and then not care what happens to it. Mary's a little curious as to why it's still there, too. Matt says, "At first we found it a threat to our masculinity." Hmm, two single men sharing a bedroom with each other and a bunch of cutesy cartoon cat merchandise. And why would they feel threatened? I think they secretly like Hello Kitty, but Dopey claims that having Ruthie's stuff there makes them feel like their living arrangement is just temporary. Mary disgustedly asks to see the closet. Dopey happily opens it to reveal that it's covered in floral wallpaper and filled with a whole bunch more Hello Kitty shit. It's filled with Ruthie's clothing, too. At least I think it's Ruthie's. Okay, as a joke, this whole scene is not bad, but where the hell do Dopey and Robbie keep their clothes? Mary leaves, and Dopey joyfully closes the door after her, just barely missing her ass.
Even Robbie doesn't want to talk to Mary. He sails right past without acknowledging her in any way. As stupid as it is, I'm starting to love this episode. Seeing how much even her family members loathe Mary is extremely cathartic for me.
Robbie is secretly freaked out, though, that Mary's back. I think he's afraid that Mary totally wants him, which is kind of arrogant, considering that she almost married someone else. Dopey tries to give him some advice while fondling a little pink toy of some sort. Heh -- that sounded sort of dirty, didn't it? Matt's advice is that Robbie shouldn't make any moves on Mary, since she could still very well be in love with Wilson and is just afraid of committing to him. That's not bad advice, but if Mary and Wilson really did split up, Mary will have been single for almost a week now. And by Camden standards, she'd better be lining up a potential husband again soon.
Upstairs, Ruthie and Lucy are still engaging in some tacky speculation over their sister's personal life. Ruthie suggests they call Wilson and "find out what happened from the horse's mouth." But really, isn't Wilson more of a horse's ass? Lucy is taking the stance that Mary will fill them in on the details in her own good time, which is really very irritating, implying that it's actually the family's business to know. Ruthie insists that even if Mary tells them what happened between her and Wilson, they might not be able to believe her. Okay, that may very well be true, but, um…who the fuck cares? Gawd, Ruthie, get a freakin' life. And cover up that revolting shirt you're wearing. Is it even legal to subject viewers to a shirt with a pink poodle on it unless there's an advisory at the beginning of the show? Ruthie just keeps right on babbling away inappropriately about Mary, suggesting that the older girl has been living in sin with Wilson. When Lucy is skeptical, Ruthie says, "We don't know her. We don't know who she is or where she's been or what she's done." Yes, and if you stop prying, Ruthie, maybe you'll be fortunate enough never to find out any more about Mary and her loathsome life. Count your blessings, you little troll. We viewers haven't been as fortunate.
SuperMom's checking on the special pot roast when Mary walks into the CamKitchen. Mary has put her stuff into the twins' room so that she won't "be in anyone's way." What, the twins don't count as people? Isn't she in their way? Annie tries to convince Mary that she's not in anyone's way. She even offers her the garage apartment. You know the rest of the kids are going to be pissed over that, but in a way, it might be the best thing for everybody. If Mary has her own apartment, everyone else will have to see less of her, and that certainly provides the greatest good for the greatest number of people. Annie leads her off to check out the apartment.
RevCam comes downstairs, shouting to Annie as he enters the kitchen. That's a little insulting to assume that she spends all her time in the kitchen. I know she's pregnant a lot of the time, and I have no idea if she tends to walk around barefoot, but I've definitely seen her in lots of rooms other than the kitchen. Ruthie comes in and asks RevCam if this week's sermon will be about the prodigal son -- a parable that's never made a whole lot of sense to me. For those of you unfamiliar with the story, I'll boil it down quickly. A father has two sons, between whom he divides his estate. The younger brother goes off to squander his inheritance. When it's all gone, he comes home again, and his father welcomes him with great fanfare. You know -- the fatted calf and all. The older son is peeved because he's loyally worked for his father all this time, and never received so much as a goat. When he complains, his father says, "'Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours. It was fitting to make merry and be glad, for this your brother was dead, and is alive; he was lost, and is found'" (Luke 15:31-2).
It's pretty easy to see where they're going with this on the show -- even though I want to point out that at least the prodigal son confessed his misdeeds and apologized for them, and he doesn't seem to be nearly as big a loser as Mary. Still, who can fault the older brother for being angry? Bible or no, I'm not so sure holding one child to different standards than another is such a great idea, parenting-wise. I'm sure Brenda Hampton disagrees. Dammit -- I'm never gonna get the hang of this "family values" business! At least RevCam and Ruthie don't explore the topic at great length. There's no time, for they have snooping to do. Ruthie hints that RevCam should phone the horse's ass to find out whether he and Mary got married. As Ruthie leaves, RevCam picks up the phone and stares at it thoughtfully.
After some super-exciting footage of little Billy sleeping while an older woman reads a book, we see Wilson arrive home. The older woman is his landlord, and she's been babysitting Billy -- oh, and listening to his phone messages. She drops some broad hints suggesting that she would like to be taken into his confidence regarding the Mary situation, but Wilson brushes her off. She leaves. Wilson presses play on his answering machine, then walks into the other room. The machine is situated right to the sleeping Billy, so if Wilson's going to listen to his messages, the least he could do is play them quietly while standing to the answering machine. But no, he walks into the other room. He comes back out again when he hears that the caller is Ruthie. As he starts undressing, Wilson listens to her stupid, convoluted message, which is cut short by Mary interrupting Ruthie to ask who she's talking to. What the hell is wrong with those Camdens? Are there actually people out in the world who are rude enough to interrupt a sibling's phone call to ask who she's talking to? Sadly, there probably are, but I really don't think they should be held up as role models.
After Ruthie's message, Wilson goes back into the other room. I'm not sure why, since he already knows there are a bunch more messages. I guess the writers did this so that little Billy would have the chance to get out of bed and turn the volume control up on the answering machine. At first I had no clue what the brat was doing. I thought he was going to erase some of the phone messages, which would have been pretty funny. That turning-up-the-volume thing was awfully strange, but I'm even more bewildered when Billy scurries back into bed and pretends to be asleep. When Wilson comes back out to listen to Lucy's message, he's taken off his shirt but still has his undershirt on. Does he play some kind of mutant variation of strip poker, where he has to take off one item of clothing for every message on his machine? God, I hope not. There are a hell of a lot of Camdens, and I'm sure they've all called to pry into his business.
Sure enough, Robbie is . Wilson's already gone back into the other room, so Billy does that obnoxious thing again where he gets up and turns the volume up. He sucks! When Wilson comes out to listen to Robbie's message, he's taken off his undershirt -- an act which seems symbolic somehow, though it's not really anything I wanted to witness personally. Matt's message finds Wilson stripped down to just his underwear. By the time Simon calls, I've got my eyes covered. Simon's offer to talk is the last message on the machine. Wilson goes over to Billy and knowingly says, "I'm home, son. I'm so glad the answering machine didn't wake you. It was so loud." Okay, but even if the machine hadn't woken him, you just did, so that was a pretty pointless comment. In fact, this may be the single most annoying and meaningless scene on this show ever. Billy wants to talk about his disappointment over the fact that Wilson didn't bring Mary back with him, but Wilson just tells him to go to sleep.
The phone rings, and Billy asks if it's Mary calling. Wilson tells him again to go to sleep, which might be a little hard for him, since Wilson is still sitting on his bed, talking to RevCam on the phone. At least he gets up to put on some pants. I guess that's one of the rules in the bizarre game of Strip Phone he invented: if you get a live call, you put on an item of clothing. RevCam expresses surprise that all his kids have called Wilson already. Why he would be surprised by that is anybody's guess. Of course he's calling to pry, just like everyone else did, though he pretends that he's just offering his services as a counselor. Wilson doesn't fall for it, though, and he says that any explanations will have to come from Mary. He hangs up on Eric, but at least he does say goodbye before he does. Wow. That's probably a first for this show.
Annie's doing some token hammering in the Garage Treehouse while Mary lazily watches her. SuperMom tries to get her to help, but Mary begs off, saying she's too tired, since it's after eleven in New York. Hey, you know where else it's after eleven? In Buffalo, which is where she's actually come from. Annie offers her version of the fatted calf by telling Mary she can use her bathtub for a bubble bath. She even throws in an offer to serve up some apple pie a la mode in the tub.
Mary runs into Robbie in the second-floor hallway of the CamPound. She asks him if he's going out. His outfit's hardly spectacular, so I'm not sure why she would think that. At first, Robbie's not sure if he's going out. It takes him a while to come up with an answer, as he explores all the possibilities: "No. Yes. No. Kind of. Yes." Mary tells him to have a good time, then asks if they should talk. Robbie comes up with a quick answer this time, and that answer is no. Mary thinks that things will be tense unless they have some big discussion, but Robbie points out that things already are tense. After babbling for a while about how "time changes everything," he bolts. I wonder if Mary is developing an inferiority complex by now because of the way nobody wants to talk to her. I sincerely hope so.
Lucy and Ruthie fuel Mary's complex by looking distressed when they run into her. Clueless Mary cheerily asks, "What's going on?" Not missing a beat, Ruthie says, "You tell us." Mary asks what they want to know. Obviously, Ruthie wants to know if Mary and Wilson got married. Mary rudely says that she's tired, and adds, "Could you just give me a day or so to readjust before you start asking me about my life?" Okay, but you invited the question. And I still don't see how hard it would be to give a yes or no answer. Lucy throws out a snarky "Why not?" To her credit, Mary tries to tackle the situation head-on by asking what Lucy is angry about. Lucy angrily replies that she's not angry. Mary catches Lucy glancing at the door to Robbie's room, so she antagonizes her by saying that she thinks Robbie went out on a date. Lucy is skeptical, so Mary busts out the snotty attitude and pries into the Lucy/Robbie dating situation, prompting Ruthie and Lucy to walk off.
They go down to the kitchen, where Simon is washing dishes. They're just starting to bitch about Mary when the CamRents walk in. Annie grabs a dish from Ruthie's hands, informing her that the contents are for Mary. Lucy sarcastically says, "Oh, big surprise," but SuperMom doesn't even notice because she's too busy lovingly patting the plastic wrap back onto Mary's food. RevCam asks where Mary is, and Annie informs them that she's upstairs taking a bubble bath. The kids all look at her in dismay. Finally she picks up on it, and says, "What? I'm just glad my daughter's home." This is met with a deafening silence that tells her she's the only one who feels that way. Simon calls her on the favoritism, to which Annie responds by saying that she would welcome any of her other kids home in the same way. Lucy starts to point out that she never got the welcome wagon treatment, but instead she shuts up. For once, I wish she'd gone on. RevCam picks up the slack, though he sends the kids out of the room first.
He tells SuperMom that the kids are feeling like the prodigal son's brother right now, adding, "Mary may be returning home, but she's confessed nothing, and I don't think she's learned very much." Go, RevCam! He points out that Mary still seems irresponsible, and that her siblings are probably expecting an apology for her actions last year. Annie defends her vile daughter and suggests that what RevCam is really after is a confession from Mary. She tosses around some crap about loving Richard Nixon, based on something Eric said in a sermon about God loving us, despite our actions. It's all very bizarre, and it doesn't altogether make sense.
As Annie stalks off, Dopey comes into the CamKitchen. He and RevCam hold a theological debate over whether the prodigal son parable is about acceptance or forgiveness. It doesn't take Dopey very long to get lost. He said he must have missed that part of RevCam's lecture while he was opening a pack of Lifesavers. He figures out that the father in the parable represents Annie, and that RevCam is playing the part of the older brother. This makes Eric all defensive, as he points out that all the other kids feel the same way. Dopey vows to stay out of it -- until RevCam informs him that Mary will get to live in the Garage Treehouse. Upon hearing this news, Dopey becomes extremely agitated and runs off.
Up in the CamBoudoir, Annie is setting up an air mattress for Mary to sleep on. Ew, that's kind of creepy. Can't she just sleep in one of the millions of non-bedroom rooms in the CamPound? Just because there's no bed in a room doesn't mean you can't sleep in it. RevCam doesn't look pleased, but he agrees, adding that this will give the three of them "a chance to talk." He tells Mary that he telephoned Wilson in order to pry into her business, which pisses her off considerably. She accuses him of wanting to hear the news from Wilson because he doesn't trust her. Why should he? She's still an irresponsible moron. What happened to her firefighter training? Her work at the homeless shelter? Her classes? Or even the courtesy of informing her grandparents that she is moving out? Mary grabs her air mattress and starts to leave, but Annie stops her. She hands the air mattress to Eric, and a scuffle ensues. Man, if I were Eric, I'd have divorced this harpy ages ago. But Eric just takes it.
Dopey has carried a lawn chair up to the Garage Treehouse, which is not looking any more finished than it did the last time we saw it, despite that fact that Annie's allegedly almost done with it. Dopey is joined by Lucy, Ruthie, Simon, and Happy. When they learn that Matt is planning on staying in the Treehouse as a protest against Annie giving the apartment to Mary, they decide to join in. Ruthie thinks it's a bad idea, but she joins them anyway, even after Lucy makes her go fetch blankets for them.
Ruthie runs into Robbie, who is trying to scrub a stain out of his pants. I don't even want to speculate what that stain might be from. He's got lipstick all over his face -- like a whole tube of it. What kind of dork was he out with, that she wouldn't warn him he looks like a circus freak? Lucy walks in and looks hurt as she asks Robbie how he could find someone new in a week. He makes the mistake of thinking she's talking about his break-up with Mary, which really sets her off. With a whiny "So I meant nothing to you," she's out of there.
Upstairs, she takes out her anger on Mary, which makes me laugh, even though I have to roll my eyes when she tries to get Ruthie to pick sides. I do laugh again, though, when Ruthie picks Lucy.
Mary goes downstairs in search of someone who is willing to talk to her. She may need to go a little further afield for that, though. When Robbie hears her coming, he dashes out the back door. When he thinks she's gone, he opens the door again, but Mary sees him. He tries to run away, but she drags him back into the CamKitchen. Her sad question, "Do they all hate me?" sends me off into fresh gales of laughter. Yes, Mary, they do. And trust me, they're not the only ones.
The morning, the director fills up screen time with a seemingly endless shot of the kids sleeping in the Treehouse, before switching over to a frantic Annie, who's running around, opening doors, and shouting to Eric that their children are missing. RevCam tells her he thinks they may be in the garage, and she rushes off.
She screams at the kids for scaring her and asks them if this is their idea of a "sick prank." Believe me, I know pranks, and this sure isn't one. Annie's not exactly mollified to find out that the kids are protesting her decision to give Mary the Treehouse. Detestable Ruthie says she tried to warn the others, but they wouldn't listen. She tells Annie to "go ahead" and "let her rip," which makes me want to do something violent. Annie asks her why she went along with the protest if she knew it was wrong. Vile Ruthie claims it was so she would be here for the inevitable confrontation. Annie punishes her by sending her to the CamPound. At first Ruthie doesn't want to go, so Annie stomps her feet. Man, Annie's so freaky-ass scary anyway that I'm not exactly sure how the stomping would make any difference. Does Ruthie actually think Annie's going to stomp on her head? The stomping does convince her to scurry off, so I guess some good has come of it. The rest of the kids refuse to go, though. Annie leaves, telling them they're making a "big mistake." The kids all look nervous, as Dopey says, "This is an historic moment, the moment we defied our mother." Well, somebody had to do it. Annie's gone 'round the bend. Dopey adds, "We shalt surely die." Oh, yeah, promises, promises.
Ruthie tries to outrun Psycho Annie, but she's not quick enough. Annie has a piece of advice for her: "Life isn't fair, so get over it." Hey, that's actually some pretty good advice for a change. Let me return the favour by giving you a little advice, Annie. You are completely unfit to be a parent and should seek professional help immediately. Hope that helps. Ruthie sucks up to Annie in a way that's puke-inducing. I'm grateful when Annie sends her off to ready the twins for church.
Mary comes out and offers to leave "before things get any worse." Annie won't let her go. In fact, she tells her to choose any room she wants, since she is planning on making the rest of the kids sleep out in the Treehouse "just the way it is." She cackles maniacally. Whoa -- does anyone have the number for Glenoak Children's Aid?
Annie shoots daggers at RevCam when she sees him coming out of her bathroom. She tells him that the kids tried to "pull off a coup," but in her mind, at least, they have failed. She promises that "they are about to reap the consequences of their stupidity, their lack of respect and their failure to recognize that they have no power whatsoever!" Um, has anyone found that Children's Aid Society number yet? I'm not advocating disobedience toward parents, but I'm not sure that teaching children they have "no power whatsoever" is exactly great for the self-esteem either. I really hope we're not supposed to identify with Annie here.
Ruthie comes over and begs for RevCam's help. I don't know if she wants him to get her off the hook, punishment-wise, or if she's actually fearful for her safety. Mary's no help, and she leaves. I hope it's to pull up her pants, since it looks like they are about to fall off. Ruthie explains about the protest and says that she realizes she made a mistake. RevCam praises her for realizing this and apologizing for it, but Annie walks by at that moment and snaps out that it's "not good enough." RevCam just shrugs helplessly like the big wuss that he is.
Down in the CamKitchen, Mary asks Robbie who he's dating. That's nice. Even though nobody's allowed to ask her any questions, she still feels free to badger everyone else. When Robbie doesn't reply, Mary snarkily asks, "You don't even know her name?" What a bitch. Robbie verifies that he's not dating Cheryl, since they are just "friends." Mary asks if she and Robbie are friends. He's wise enough not to want her crappy friendship, but polite enough not to rub it in. He just says that maybe someday they'll be friends. Not bad, Robbie, not bad. He's even polite enough not to tell her to shut up when she asks if he's in love with his new girlfriend. Most normal people would probably find that a ridiculous question, since Robbie has only been dating this woman a week, but in Glenoak, anything goes. Mary says that she and Wilson broke up. She asks if Robbie wants to know why. He does not. Ha! He does tell her that she should divulge her news to the rest of the family, though. He also says that he doesn't want to get back together with Mary. While it's pretty arrogant of him to assume that that's why she's home, anything that humiliates her further is all right in my book. Mary goes back to whining about her and Robbie not being friends, and says that it doesn't matter to her if he made out with some woman. Robbie explains that this woman is special. He knew it as soon as he met her. In fact, she's someone he could see himself marrying. Yeah, whatever. Mary asks if Robbie will be bringing his new love to church, but Robbie says he will be attending his girlfriend's church instead. Uh-oh. I'm not psychic, but I think I see a very annoying subplot in his future!
In the Treehouse, Annie is lecturing the kids about how much they all need Mary. But they've already got one rude megabitch in Annie. Why would they need another? Annie holds the delusion that Mary is capable of being loving and supportive toward her family, and I'm not sure if anyone could disabuse her of that notion right now. She's really gone crazy. As punishment for their disobedience, Annie is sentencing them to live in the Treehouse. She has brought them a change of clothes, a week's allowance and "some school books." They are allowed to use the toilet in the CamPound, but that's it. No shower facilities, no food, and probably no water either. Great parenting, Brenda Hampton-style! I don't even know if this is fucking legal. If she's not planning to provide the basic necessities for her under-eighteen-year-old children, shouldn't she be in jail? ["And shouldn't their father have something to say about it? I know he's scared of Annie -- and he can join the very large club -- but this is so over the top, it's totally incomprehensible that Eric wouldn't try to talk her out of it." -- Sars] Please tell me that the kids are going to move out on their own and not go crawling back to their heinous mother. They'd have to be safer living on their own. At the very least, can't they finish the treehouse themselves? I seem to remember that Lucy knows how to install a toilet. I don't know. Words really fail me at this point.
Finally we get to see RevCam preaching, though it's a little hard to follow his rambling sermon. It's much more entertaining to look at Annie and Mary sitting in the front pew, while the other kids glare at them from the row back. I tried listening to RevCam a few more times, but all I got out of it is that he thinks confessing one's sins is something that makes God happy, and that it's bad to judge people. Oh, look -- I think Annie's glaring at him now! She's so unbalanced these days, though, that it might just be her usual facial expression we're seeing.
After the service, RevCam is shaking hands with the parishioners as they leave. Hey, there's an older African-American guy here! Doesn't he know he's supposed to be at Reverend Hamilton's church? A young girl tells Eric, "My brother is bad too, and my mom likes him best!" I guess she got the point of the sermon. Annie comes out and hisses, through gritted teeth, "You should be grateful I don't have my own pulpit. Airing your feelings about me in front of the whole church. Unbelievable!" She's probably off to plan some serial killings. Dopey tells Eric that he's no different from the rest of the kids when it comes to Mary. Lucy and Simon tell him pretty much the same thing. Ruthie doesn't even want to talk to him. She's too depressed about having to live in the garage. And quite frankly, who can blame her? Mary's all chipper, though. She tells RevCam, "Great sermon, Dad. I'm not sure that they got it," then breezes off. I'd feel sorrier for Eric right now if he weren't such a freakin' milquetoast.
Robbie brings his new honey home to the CamPound. She's wearing a pair of super-tight shiny pink pants. She asks how he liked her church. He says it was different. It would have been hard to miss her shiny pink pants, but just in case you did, the camera pans slowly up her legs, though it doesn't quite make it to her breasts. Robbie comments, "I have never seen anyone at my church wear pants like that." Actually, that's the first time I've seen anyone wear pants so ugly anywhere, but to be fair, I don't get out that much these days. She cozies up to him seductively and asks if he thinks the Camdens will like her. Robbie optimistically replies, "Most of them," which is probably a stretch. He doesn't look like he cares, though, once she starts making out with him. Mercifully, the shot fades out before we see any pants-staining.