I hope the writers aren't planning on using the first scene of the season premiere to set the tone for the rest of the year. We've all seen some pretty boring stuff on this show, it's true, but not many rival this opening scene of RevCam running on a treadmill at the Glenoak Hospital. First we see a shot of his feet. I don't know why he isn't wearing running shoes. Isn't it bad to run on a treadmill in your stocking feet? Heh -- that sounds kind of like "stalking feet." Eric's doctor comes in and comments that he thought Eric would have been dressed by now. RevCam explains that he "felt like running." Maybe he should buy his own treadmill, then, instead of cutting into the appointment time of whoever was supposed to be using this hospital treadmill . Just a thought. Doc says that Eric's heart is all right, but he suggests that The Good RevCam see a psychologist to deal with his stress. RevCam, who counsels people for a living, refuses even to consider this excellent advice, and rudely walks out the door without even saying goodbye. Doc follows him and tries to get him to talk about his problems, first asking if they have to do with Annie. When RevCam doesn't answer him, Doc proceeds to name off the rest of the CamClan, from oldest to youngest. He rushes through all the names, perhaps realizing that if he listed them at a more leisurely pace, it could take up the entire show, particularly when you add Robbie to the mix. Rarely one to take responsibility for his own actions, RevCam graciously insists that his troubles stem from "all of them." Then he rudely leaves without even saying goodbye. Again.
Oh. It's the new opening credits. There's a shot of RevCam twirling around with a big-ass bouquet of roses. I'm sad to report that he is not wearing a tiara. There's Annie turning her back on Eric in bed. Her hair is longer and straighter and looking good -- though just about anything would be an improvement over the earliest shows, from which I'm still trying to recover. Dopey had an episode or two last season when his hair wasn't dreadfully ugly, but that must just have been some temporary glitch, since it's pretty horrendous again. His short, greasy locks look like they haven't seen the business end of a comb since the Reagan administration, and he's got these strange tufts of hair sticking out from the back of his head. They remind me of the fur tufts that our rabbit, Mr. Sir Pet-A-Lot, gets around his tail, where he can't quite reach to groom properly. We have to pluck them off so that he won't swallow them and end up with gastric hairballs. The idea of Dopey hocking up a hairball brightens my spirits perceptibly. Simon is looking a lot older than he did at the end of last season, and someone had the good sense to comb his bangs down to partially camouflage the black caterpillars nesting on his brow. His scraggly mullet could hardly be described as "beautiful," though. In fact -- if we're being honest -- one couldn't even describe it as "non-repulsive." Newly blonde Mary just smiles a lot and looks pretty. It would be nice if she didn't open her mouth this season. Lucy looks good too. Apparently, she's finally given up the zigzag hair part, which is wise, though someone needs to tell her that a dead-centre hatchet part doesn't do much for anyone. How embarrassing for Adam LaVorgna to be sandwiched in between Ruthie and the twins in the credits. At least Happy gets to be shown last. That's sort of an honour. I guess.
After the commercial break, we see RevCam walking to the CamPound. He looks all weirdly tense, and the back door of the house is shot in a really eerie style. If it weren't for the happy-crappy background music, I'd think RevCam was walking into a horror movie. Which, when you think about it, he kind of is. Ruthie arrives in the kitchen to provide some clunky exposition. She says that Annie is napping and has been "eating all sorts of weird stuff," just like she did when she was pregnant. Gee, that sounds like a great storyline. Lucy is morose and has not even unpacked since she returned from New York. But wait -- I thought she was supposed to be marrying that dreamy guy with whom she fell madly in love over the course of two episodes last season. I'm sure I'm not the only one who's completely unsurprised to see that Dreamy Guy is nowhere to be found. RevCam mentions Mary, just as Robbie walks into the kitchen. Ruthie derisively refers to Mary as "Mrs. Wilson West," which causes Robbie to break out into sobbing that is so fake, I'm convinced he's playing it for laughs. It made me laugh, anyway. Ruthie informs her father that SuperMom wants him to take all the kids out for dinner. RevCam leaves to stalk Simon.
Before he can do that, though, RevCam interrupts a charming bonding session between Dopey and one of the twins. Good thing he walked in on it, or that twin may have received more than three and a half seconds of air time. Eric starts hassling Dopey about getting laid off from the hospital and not having found a job yet, even though he's only been out of work for two days. Dopey claims he has Uncle Hank and some other people trying to find a new job for him. That's fine, but Hank had better not show up in this episode, is all I'm saying. RevCam starts to freak about Dopey's lack of a job, insisting that with supporting a family the size of the CamClan, he needs all the help he can get from the kids. This causes Matt to try to ask if Annie is pregnant. At least that's what I think he's asking, since his dialogue consists of, "Oh, well, but Mom, but Mom's not, you know, she's not, you two didn't." I'm not fluent in Imbecile, so I hope I got that translation right. RevCam leaves the room, looking queasy. What a coincidence -- after watching this scene, I did exactly the same thing here at home!
RevCam passes Simon in the hallway and informs him that he is expected to go out to dinner with his loathsome family. Simon has already made plans, which sounds perfectly valid to me, but not to RevCam. After all his whining about money to Matt, I'd think Eric would be happy that he doesn't have to buy an extra dinner. RevCam's just in the mood to be a dick, though, and he tells Simon, "This isn't the conversation I want to have with my son who's only six weeks away from getting his learner's permit." Simon points out that it's not actually six weeks, only four. Apparently RevCam had told Simon "four weeks" before, and now he's changing his mind, with no explanation whatsoever. Nice parenting. What I don't understand here is why it even has anything to do with Eric. Surely even The Great RevCam can't change Simon's birthday to suit his whims. Simon says, "But the law says I could have gotten it six months ago!" I take a small break from recapping to pick my ass up off the floor, since that's where it fell when I laughed it off. RevCam modestly informs his son, "I am the law in this house," neglecting to mention just how often he is the law throughout the rest of Glenoak as well. Simon argues, very reasonably, "But the law is the law outside of this house, and that law -- the law that every other teenager relies on as protection against overbearing parents -- says otherwise." Simon, you should know by now that nothing within the Glenoak city limits runs according to democracy or logic. Now, I don't remember needing a parental signature when I got my learner's permit, but you just know that if you try to go down to the DMV and get your permit, they're going to ask you for one. They may not ask anyone else for parental permission, but you're special. You're a Camden. And I feel so sorry for you. Mind you, RevCam has every right to keep Simon from actually driving, but I find it hard to swallow that Simon can't get his learner's permit on his own. When Simon invokes the DMV, Eric goes off on a diatribe about how Simon does not live at the DMV, and that the DMV does not buy him things, like the shoes he's wearing. Oh, personally, I'd always just assumed RevCam walked into a store that sells shoes, found out if someone wasn't making their shoe payments on time, and then asked the owner of the store to sign the derelict's shoes over to him. Because that's Glenoak for you.
RevCam moves on to dispense more wisdom -- this time to Lucy, who's lying, virtually catatonic, on her bed. He pries into her personal business until she gets up and storms off. That was sweet of him. After Lucy leaves, Ruthie comes into the room. When RevCam does not scurry off immediately, Ruthie says, "I'm honoured. I see you'd rather be with me than the others." I doubt that's true, and I'd hardly call it an honour in any case, but whatever. They're trying to play Ruthie off as some sort of omniscient narrator here. I guess some people find that "children dispensing wisdom" thing entertaining. I'm not one of those people, but I'm grateful that Ruthie doesn't have her own subplot. See, this episode could be much worse. Obviously I spoke too soon, however, because the little troll says, "I'm just a couple years away from puberty. Pre-puberty. Pre-pubescent, they call it. So I'm going to be going through some changes." Aauuurrghh! My ears! My eyes! This isn't exactly a subplot, though -- more of an excuse for RevCam to launch into a long-winded, nonsensical speech about controlling our reactions to changes and "doing the best we can for who we are." I know the writers always love to wield the episode title like a mallet in a Whack-A-Mole game, but this is insane. I thought it would be interesting to keep track of how many times the word "change" gets flung around, but I quickly realized that it would be a full-time job. I think it's safe to say they've hammered the whole "changes" concept into the ground already, and we're only twelve minutes into the episode.
RevCam informs Robbie of the impending family dinner, but Robbie's got an airtight excuse ready, since Annie already asked him to take care of the twins for the evening. Robbie forlornly asks if Eric has spoken to Mary. RevCam gives him a very manly pat on the shoulder and assures him that everything will be all right. All their sexual chemistry is still there, by the way.
Lucy's trying to make her escape from the CamPound when RevCam stops her at the front door. He lets her off the hook for dinner but starts busting on her about leaving New York. He asks her whether she'll be returning to New York and Kolbel Seminary, his alma mater. He only seems concerned because he "pulled some strings" to get her into the seminary. That's right, Eric, it's all about you. Lucy bitches him out and leaves, slamming the door. That gets her out of dinner, I guess. Dopey drops by to say he's leaving to look for a job. RevCam drones about his stupid family dinner for a bit before letting Matt leave.
In the kitchen, SuperMom is talking to someone on the phone when RevCam walks in. He lurks over her shoulder, demanding to know who she's talking to. While that's pretty rude, Annie is no slouch in the lack-of-manners department herself; she's whining into the phone about how much her life sucks since she tied herself down with a family at such a young age. Keep in mind, her husband is standing right to her. RevCam sees no reason not to talk to Annie while she's on the phone, so he starts spewing some passive-aggressive drivel about not realizing how unhappy she was. I know none of the Camdens are really up on phone etiquette, but I had no idea they were that bad at it. Her nerves obviously stretched to the limit, Annie hangs up the phone and explains to RevCam that she's trying to talk Mary out of marrying slack-jawed Billy Campbell-wannabe Wilson. That's certainly a noble task, though the CamRents don't dwell on the subject. Even the remote possibility that Slack-Jaw could be marrying into their family must be too depressing to contemplate. Not that Annie's conversational gambit -- claiming that Simon has a bad attitude and is "practically drunk on testosterone" -- does anything to settle my stomach. RevCam notes that Annie seems "different," and he tries to get her to talk about it. Bad move, Eric. That paves the way for Annie to launch into psycho mode and shriek out some convoluted speech about…something or other. She ends it with this gem: "I am who I am, and that's who I am." Because he is a total idiot, RevCam cheerfully sings a bar of the "Popeye" theme song. I really wish he hadn't done that. Annie storms off, sobbing. I can't blame her. Short of violence, that's really the only possible reaction here. RevCam leaves the twins alone in the kitchen and runs after Annie to apologize. He insists his singing was a "joke," rather than a complete and utter break with reality. Annie storms off again, and Eric rushes back into the kitchen. He's been gone a total of fifteen seconds. Trust me, I checked. In that span of time, we're supposed to believe that the twins got down from their chairs, opened a bag of chips, spilled it on the floor, and stomped the chips to bits. Did I drift off during the episode where we learn that the twins are bionic?
Over at Wilson's swanky Buffalo townhouse, Mary is preparing salad with Slack-Jaw's annoying son. Unfortunately, Slack-Jaw comes home. He starts making out with Mary and telling her he loves her. I wonder if his son is traumatized for life by having to witness that. I know I sure am.
A commercial break is not nearly enough time to get over my feelings of ickiness. By the way, thanks to my new satellite service, not only can I tape each new episode of 7th Heaven at fifty-seven different times, but I can also get an in-depth weather forecast for Edmonton. I'm probably a little more excited about the Edmonton part.
Robbie calls up the Colonel in Buffalo, just to shoot the breeze. When the Colonel tells Robbie that he considers him part of the family, Robbie starts crying. Big mistake. You see, according to the Colonel, only "sissies" cry. Um, I really didn't need to hear that. I can't believe I ever liked the Colonel. If the writers want to improve the show, they need to bring back Grandma Ruth so that she and the Colonel can mock the rest of the Camdens. Now, that was funny. After the Colonel rudely hangs up on Robbie without even saying goodbye, Mary walks in to receive a special Colonel lecture of her own. She tells him she's not sure if college is her "goal" and says that she and Slack-Jaw are considering marriage. Although it's really none of his business, the Colonel approves the potential marriage, telling Mary, "You would be a good wife and mother, if that's what you decide you want." He does warn her that she needs a back-up plan, though, in case, "God forbid, something happens to Wilson." You mean, like choking on an insect that flew into his mouth? Like walking into an open manhole? Yes, precisely. The Colonel encourages Mary to pursue a career in public service. He informs her she has until the end of the week to get a job. Yes, sir.
Down at the pool hall, Simon and RevCam carry on a scintillating conversation about what classes Simon is taking this year. We learn that Simon wants to drop phys ed and take a music class instead. Regrettably, this gives RevCam an opportunity to talk about the skiffle band he had in high school. He threatens Simon, and us, with the possibility that he will drag out his reel-to-reel tapes and regale us with recordings of his skiffle band. He'd better not, because I'm sure that would make my VCR explode. Fortunately, Simon distracts Eric with a little speech about being a man. RevCam vows to start treating Simon like a man, but warns him to make sure he acts like a man, too. What's RevCam's definition of "acting like a man"? Well, in this case -- assuming that Eric thinks of himself as a man -- it involves bullying your son into canceling his dinner plans so that he will have to attend dinner with you, at your invitation. Then, when the food is already consumed and the cheque is on its way, you renege on the invitation part and ask the waiter for two cheques, putting the bulk of the meal on the cheque of the person you invited to dinner in the first place. Whew! Thank goodness I don't know any real men personally. Oh, and allow me, once again, to compliment Eric's fine parenting skills in teaching his son to completely disregard etiquette and any sense of fair play. Bravo, RevCam! Nice family values!
At least SuperMom has the good sense not to push Lucy into discussing her return to Glenoak. I think this may be an attempt to build suspense about whether or not Lucy will get married to Jeremy. That way, all three of the viewers who hadn't heard that Jeremy's guest-star stint was only a few episodes long might stay tuned until the end of the show, in the hope that Lucy will finally spill her guts.
up is an expositionary device I particularly detest. We get a close-up of Robbie discussing his feelings about Mary, and as the camera moves back, we see that he's actually talking to the twins! Yeah, I wasn't exactly bowled over by the humour in that either. The twins may be young, but at least they have the good judgment to completely disregard Robbie and everything he says. After what feels like at least three or four decades of Robbie sharing his trite views on love, Lucy walks into the room. Robbie asks her if she wants to talk. She's crying too hard to speak, so she just nods. Robbie goes over to hug her, which is actually pretty moving. Of course, RevCam has to come along and get all nervous seeing two unmarried people having any form of physical contact, no matter how innocent. I didn't think the scene could get any more annoying, but I was so wrong. Ruthie comes along and gawks at the pair for a bit. Okay, that's bad enough, but when she half-sings, "Ch-ch-ch-changes," I have to vomit. What did David Bowie ever do to deserve this? Man.
In the kitchen the morning, Annie is telling RevCam that she has switched to making decaf coffee, since she recently became sensitive to caffeine. We're supposed to tell that she's extremely stressed out because she spits out every single word she says. Now, that's acting! After telling RevCam to buy a second coffee pot if he wants regular coffee, she storms off. Maybe she just wanted to escape the arrival of the Dopester. Dopey makes another attempt to ask if Annie is pregnant. This time he manages to get the words out -- and in a complete sentence, no less. RevCam doesn't think SuperMom is pregnant, but he's not going to ask her either. We learn that Dopey has found a new job, at a women's clinic. I'm sure he's the perfect candidate for the job, since he has finally learned to say the word "pregnant" out loud. He hasn't quite worked up the courage to learn any other medical jargon yet, since he tells Eric that in addition to treating pregnant women, the clinic also treats "other women with other woman things." And how many years of med school has he been through so far? The whole "woman things" conversation is making Dopey uneasy, so he leaves. RevCam's obviously still thinking about it as he muses, "Is that where [Dopey] should be working right now?" Ruthie overhears and asks him who he's talking to. Eric claims he's talking to God. He says he talks to Him a lot. Ruthie says, "I think you're gonna be talking to Him a lot more. I'm not the only one who's changing around here." She makes sure to emphasize the word "changing," probably because no one else has used any form of that word for the past ten seconds.
Mary and Wilson meet in the park for a discussion. Mary tells him she's been thinking about their impending marriage. Slack-Jaw points out that he hasn't asked her to marry him yet. Heaven forbid that a woman should ask such an important question herself! It's a little disconcerting that Slack-Jaw's hair still looks wet. I'm assuming that this is the middle of the day, and yet his hair hasn't dried? Does he have some kind of magical hair that never dries? I ponder this while Mary explains that the Colonel thinks she "should start taking [herself] seriously." Slack-Jaw has the good manners not to snicker. He's pretty much a sexist jerk, though, since he doesn't want his woman working. He's even less thrilled when he finds out that Mary's new career aspiration is to be a police officer. And why does she want to be a cop, exactly? She explains: "I'm gonna get my own gun and everything!" Um, yay? Fortunately, the youth offence of TP-ing her high school gym two years ago will not get in the way. That's good, I guess, though it would be hilarious to see it come out as a "scandal" -- if you can even call it that -- later in her career. It's unclear whether she told the cops about that half a beer she drank last year, though. In any case, Wilson will not allow her to become a police officer. That's right, he won't give his permission. When Mary stalks off, I actually like her for a few moments. Wilson just sits on the park bench, opening and closing his mouth like a fish.
Back at the CamPound, Simon has apparently designated himself the town crier. He's in the upstairs hallways, calling out, "It's nine o'clock! It's nine o'clock!" Thank you, Simon. I'm sure that's an enormous help to all the Camdens who can't read a clock or don't have access to a wristwatch. Simon is upset because no one woke him up for school. Annie says that RevCam asked her not to wake Simon. RevCam explains, "I just don't think a man needs his mommy to tell him when to get up." Simon recognizes this for the bullshit it is, and asks, "Couldn't you have given me a little warning?" I never thought I'd agree with Simon about anything, but for once, I do.
All the commotion wakes up Robbie and Lucy, who are sleeping in Robbie's bed. Really, it's much more innocent than it sounds. They fell asleep sitting up, while talking the night before. You just know RevCam's going to turn it into something dirty when he finds out, though.
RevCam informs Simon that he will have to take the bus to school. He slings around some more of that "being a man" shit, but I find it very hard to take anything he says seriously after that terrible restaurant-cheque fiasco from the night before. It's true that Simon is being bratty in this scene, but I'm still pretty skeptical about RevCam's parenting skills. Annie is too.
Lucy and Robbie are eavesdropping on that last stupid scene from inside Robbie's room. Robbie thinks they should just walk out and "get it over with," but Lucy wisely points out that RevCam is, well, RevCam. She doesn't say so explicitly, but everyone knows he's a freak.
Out in the hall, Annie starts to tell RevCam that she went to see her doctor last week. He cuts her off by asking if they're going to have a baby. Annie is very upset by his assumption, and explains that she is starting to go through "the change of life." For some reason, Eric is thrilled with her news, which seems a tad insensitive of him. On the other hand, maybe he just doesn't want another twelve children, which would be totally understandable. ["Well, then maybe Eric could take his sanctimonious ass to the doctor his own self and get a vasectomy. God." -- Sars] Annie storms off yet again. RevCam gets down on his knees and praises Jesus, just as Lucy walks out of Robbie's room. She gives Eric a guilty little smile, which causes him to look heavenward quizzically. Yes, Eric, Jesus went out of His way to piss you off by having Lucy spend the night in Robbie's room. That must be what happened.
Over in Buffalo, the Colonel opens his front door to find Slack-Jaw. Poor Colonel. He was probably hoping it was someone only mildly annoying, like a Bible-slapper. Slack-Jaw and the Colonel immediately start bitching at each other for not controlling their little Mary well enough. I guess we're supposed to assume that the Colonel and Slack-Jaw have a lot in common, since they're both using the same exact words to yell at each other. I guess we're also supposed to find this humorous, but that's asking a little much of the viewers. When Slack-Jaw blames the Colonel for encouraging Mary to get a job in public service, the Colonel defends himself by saying, "I thought she'd get one at the post office. I didn't know she'd want to do something that required her to carry a gun." I don't understand. You mean a gun isn't a requirement if you work for the post office? It turns out Wilson is there because he wants the Colonel to talk Mary out of becoming a cop. The Colonel reveals his loathsomeness by asking, "Oh, is that how you plan to handle your wife? Just hand the problem over to her family and let them figure it out?" Of course, this is exactly how the CamRents handled the problem of their daughter, by handing her over to Eric's parents and letting them figure it out. Anyway, the Colonel's and Slack-Jaw's conversation is too repugnant to spend much more time wallowing in it.
All the macho posturing is interrupted by the arrival of the little lady in question, Mary. To further enhance the charming retro sexism of this scene, Mary is acting incredibly ditzy, even more so than usual. She's mad because she doesn't meet the age requirement to be a police officer. She tries to blame it on the police academy for not properly calculating her age upon graduation, but after the Colonel helpfully asks, "Didn't they tell you that to begin with?" Mary must admit that she screwed up the math herself. Silly girl! But I'm a girl too, and I can tell you that math is hard! Mary already has another plan to become "a fireman -- I mean, a firewoman -- a fire person, whatever!" Can't she just call them fire fighters, like everyone else in this millennium and hemisphere does? When Mary leaves the room, the Colonel asks, "Didn't she used to be smarter?" While I've never seen much evidence of it myself, I can't help but be offended at the timing of the comment. Quite frankly, all the characters come off pretty stupid in this scene, so I don't know why anyone's singling out Mary. I'm so mad right now that I take no nasty pleasure in hearing Slack-Jaw describe Mary as "sweet and kind and beautiful." Well, almost none. Slack-Jaw accepts the Colonel's assignment of making sure that Mary focuses on something "just for herself." Isn't it a little ironic that she needs someone else to do that for her? The only redeeming part of this scene is when the Colonel mentions Eric, and Wilson looks like he's struggling frantically to remember who Eric is.
Back in the CamKitchen, RevCam is helping to dry dishes while Annie tries to get him to leave her alone. She also warns him, "I may not want to be intimate as frequently as we have been in the past." Thanks for the TMI. At least she didn't use the phrase "adult relations." She and RevCam argue some more, but I missed most of it because I figured I'd have more fun plucking fur tufts off Mr. Sir Pet-A-Lot's butt.
Annie storms off once more, and Ruthie walks into the kitchen. She says, "The cycle of life. Ain't it grand?" Oh, shut up, Ruthie. RevCam asks her if she was listening in on a private conversation, but he doesn't punish her for it. How could he, when he's the master eavesdropper himself? Not that inconsistency or hypocrisy have ever held him back before.
When Lucy and Robbie come into the kitchen, RevCam sends Ruthie upstairs so he can talk to the others privately. He tells them he doesn't want to see them turn to each other while they're both on the rebound. It's not bad advice, even if it comes from RevCam. Unfortunately, he has to explain it a few times until Robbie gets it. Lucy just rudely rolls her eyes a lot.
The losers to arrive in the Court of RevCam are Dopey and Simon. Dopey caught his brother hitchhiking, and now he wants RevCam to punish him. Dopey has to get back to the clinic, but before he goes, he hands RevCam a brown bag with something square inside. He says he brought it from the clinic. I'll bet it's not condoms. Dopey surmises that Annie is going through menopause, even though he hasn't graduated to saying the word out loud yet. He promises to bring home some brochures, though.
After Dopey's departure, RevCam informs Simon that he cannot get his learner's permit until January. I'm just glad that spares us having to watch any wacky driving hijinks for a few months yet. RevCam goes on to further punish Simon by refusing to allow him to drop phys ed. Okay, that's just nasty. I'm not arguing against punishment for hitchhiking, but to penalize a person by forcing him to stay in something as useless as high school phys ed is cruel. RevCam goes on to share some of his views on being a man. Actually, he shares many, many of his views on being a man -- far more than I ever needed to hear. Apparently, one of his views on being a man is that Simon must run his life exactly as RevCam tells him to. That sure makes me glad I'm not a man.
Exit Simon, enter Ruthie. She tries to pull a prank on her father by telling him he has to take her bra-shopping. When he gets over that shock, she informs him that she's not planning on wearing a bra, ever. And why should I care about this? Oh wait -- I don't. I would promise to pretend to care, though, if the writers promised never, ever to defile a good song like "Changes." What's that? Ruthie's already singing "Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes" again? Damn, that's cold. Where would a brat like that even hear a David Bowie song?
The moody, crazy, menopausal woman is upstairs in her bedroom, crying. When RevCam walks in, she showers him with words of love, even though she'd been yelling at him a few hours ago. See, it's because she's moody and crazy and menopausal. RevCam fills her in on Mary's foray into the field of law enforcement. They both seem pleased that the Colonel and Slack-Jaw "won't let that happen." Now let's have a big hand for the wise patriarchs! Anyone? Anyone? The CamRents discuss their boring family a few minutes longer, until Annie notices that RevCam is holding the package Dopey brought home from the clinic. She grabs it and takes out the pregnancy test, then gets upset. I can't tell whether she's supposed to be sad or angry or what. RevCam tries to reassure her that "everything's gonna be all right." She runs out of the room, shrieking, "We don't know that. All we know is that everything is going to change!" By the time she gets to "change," her voice has gone up about an octave and she practically screams out the word. You know, because maybe we forgot what this episode is called. RevCam lies down to monitor his pulse. And just because this entire episode has not been vile enough, the writers have to get that last little dig in there by finally, irrevocably ruining one of David Bowie's better songs for me. As RevCam tunelessly sings, "Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes," I go off into the corner and cry quietly. After all, I wouldn't want the Colonel to hear and call me a sissy.