Taylor starts us off with some "Take Me Home Country Roads" while giving the impression that he's going home to die. It is pronounced variously "just okay," lifeless, "safe, boring and lazy," and then likened to Simon's sex life. Perhaps, but with less getting peed on. Kenny Boondocks Mandisa for being "articulate," and it's...all uphill from there, basically. Except not, because it's boring and even Rachel Bilson can't be arsed to cheer. Simon accuses the bescruffed Ryan of trying to look like someone from Desperate Housewives, but I think He-Man is a better reference, because only Beast-Man ever tried to fuck Skeletor. Kenny tells Elliott to "sing it simply," thereby circumventing his entire niche, and he...does, and is boringly lovely-sounding, and looking closer and closer to acceptable week by week. The judges love it and Simon calls Paula a vapid fool, but she doesn't get it. He admits to being more nervous each week, just like Ace. Paris is dressed like Tom Cruise in Legend and sings "How Do I Live Without You" with exactly the same heart-stopping originality that you'd expect with that song, but with some Paris sugar on top. Randy and Paula aren't entirely sold, but Simon thinks it was awesome, because he's actually heard the song before.
Ace, fresh from Kenny's offer to put him up in a real nice apartment in Westwood, shivers through "I Wanna Cry" by Keith Urban, a song apparently so boring it doesn't matter which nostril you sing it through. Ryan asks Kellie to sign an affidavit that she's actually retarded, and she does, but then rocks the fuck out of "Fancy," like I wanted! Chris's total lack of qualities bores its way through "I'm Gonna Love You" (also Keith Urban), but at least he didn't uncover the Five Doors Down version, so I shouldn't be a hater. Simon tells him we "at home" deserve better than the boring songs they've all done the last two weeks. Katharine vamps it out with "Bringing Out The Elvis in Me," a not-very-country Faith Hill song, and it's great but there's not much to say. Kenny tells Bucky not to mumble, Bucky replies in some fashion, and then he non-mumbles his way through "The Best I Ever Had," by somebody or another, and is so fantastic I think that I actually might like a country song or two, just like with "Wave By Wave" a while back? Bucky is ruining my entire self-image. I just wish I could look at him directly.